E is for Eating

And so we are on to the letter E

E for me 

Is eating

Eating is mandatory if you want to live

If you want to have energy

If you want to work

Play 

Work out 

You have to eat if you want the systems in your body to work

And work well

If you want to have healthy nails, skin and hair

Without eating 

Our bodies pretty quickly give up

And we die of starvation and dehydration 

Eating and feeding are one of the first things we learn in life 

As a baby 

Feeding is everything 

But for those of us with eating disorders 

Eating can be a tricky business 

Whether you have anorexia 

Bulimia 

EDNOS

The art of food and eating can be a mine field 

I love my food 

I really love my food

I don't rightly believe anyone who says that they don't enjoy their food

Food and eating are one of life's great pleasures

It brings us together 

To celebrate 

To party

To mourn 

To chat 

To put the world to right over a cuppa and a slice of cake

But my relationship with food has been rocky to say the least 

I love it 

And hate it in equal amounts 

At times over the years 

Food has been my nemesis 

I denied myself food 

Starved my body and mind 

I stuffed it with food 

Then promptly threw it all up 

I over exercised my body with not enough food 

I skipped family occasions becsuse I didn't want to eat 

I ate out of a bin

I ate food straight out of the freezer

I stole food from my family

From my house mates 

From shops and super markets 

Food drove me to the brink of insanity 

Now 

15 years down the ED road 

I have made a kind of peace with food 

I've had to

I don't hate my food anymore 

I don't hate eating 

I don't battle with food the way I used to

Now 

I try to eat three meals and snacks a day

I dont deny myself what I want 

I don't make my body purge as much as I used to 

I enjoy eating now 

I sit at the table now 

I used to eat in front of the TV

Mindlessly shoving food in to my mouth 

Now I take my time

Chat with my family 

It's a social thing also 

One of the most important things in ED recovery 

Is to keep eating 

Even when you don't wany to

When you don't feel like it 

When you are full 

It is so important to eat 

And keep it down of course 

Because once you start skipping meals and snacks 

It is a slippery road back down the rabbit hole

So I do it

I eat 

Because I want to be well

To be healthy 

To have energy 

I eat because for the first time in a long time

I want to live 

Because I now I can see they my life is worth living 

That there is life after an ED

And I do have a chance of happiness as well as health 

Right 

Speaking of eating 

I am off to have a ham toastie with relish

Lip smacking good.....!

D is for Drugs

Ok 

I'm back on track for the A-Z Challenge

Today 

D is for Drugs

As you may know 

In another life 

In a parallel universe 

I was addicted to drugs

In my teens 

I dabbled with all the usual suspects 

And at 18 

I took heroin for the first time 

I was instantly hooked

The thing about drugs 

Is that at first, it's fun

For me

I can still remember fondly the first time I took heroin 

I felt like I had finally found something that helped me be myself 

It gave me confidence 

It helped me feel like I belonged

Like I finally fitted in

I felt untouchable 

Invincible 

Happy 

Like a was in a safe cocoon 

And nothing could hurt me

Of course 

The honey moon period does not last 

And I soon found myself in the murky underworld that is addiction

I spent years trying to recreate that first time I used 

But it was never the same 

Now I was using to not go in to withdrawal

Just to feel normal

I became an expert liar

A proficient thief

And a master manipulator 

I hurt the ones I love the most 

I ripped my family apart 

I left a trail of destruction in my wake 

It was a nightmare 

And I couldn't get out 

For a long time I didn't want to get out

For most of my addiction

I was with my ex boyfriend 

You often see couples in addiction together 

Because no matter how bad things got 

We still had each other 

No matter how low we sank

We still had each other

But for the last couple of years of my addiction 

I was on my own

It was hell 

I was a young girl in a big city 

Alone 

Afraid 

Vulnerable 

I was taken advantage of many many times 

And there was nothing I could do about it 

My addiction was cyclical 

Drugs 

Treatment 

Methadone 

Get clean 

Drugs 

Treatment 

Methadone...

On and on it went 

For a long time 

I didn't want to get clean 

I just wanted the drug 

I spent a lot of time in treatment and hospital 

But always relapsed spectacularly

I was even frog marched over to London 

To do a detox

And yo have any opiate blocker implant fitted 

Which meant if I used 

It would have no effect 

It was supposed to last six months 

But for me 

It lasted a lot longer 

And it didn't stop me using 

I just used other drugs 

My last slip was last year 

Remember The Boy 

And the poppy tea?

That lasted about a month

But caused so much hurt to my family 

I never used to count my clean time 

But I have started now 

And February 14th was day one 

As far as drugs are concerned 

I am quite stable 

As I wrote yesterday

I still get horrendous cravings every now and then 

But I now know how to handle them

And I know they will pass 

I can't say I will never use again 

As I don't know what the future holds

But I do know that I won't use today 

I will stay well today 

I will be a good person today

When ever I tell someone about my past addictions 

People are really surprised 

I guess I am not your typical addict 

And that helped keep me out of trouble over the years 

I suppose everyone has a story to tell 

And this is mine 

Day off

I only realised last night 

That Sunday's are not included in the A-Z challenge

I did C yesterday 

So I will take today off

And just do a regular post

I'm just out of the doctors 

And sitting in the pharmacy waiting for my meds

Today's topics included 

Horse riding 

Michaela MC Collumb, the Irish girl caught smuggling drugs back in 2013 who has just been released from prison in Peru

More of which later 

And methadone 

For the last few weeks 

My doctor has been talking about reducing it 

And every week I've come up with a different excuse not to

But today 

I was all out of excuses 

And so it was reduced from 26mls - 24mls 

Not a lot I know 

But as the amount gets smaller and smaller 

I worry 

Not that I ever notice the drop

It's more psychological than anything 

I am now almost at the point I was two years ago 

Back in 2014 

I was down to 22mls

And I panicked

So asked my doctor to increase it

He increased it to 34mls

And it's only now 

Two years later 

That I am almost back down to 24 mls 

As you know 

I have been on methadone for 11 years now

Every morning for the last decade 

I have taken it first thing every morning

Every Monday I have seen my doctor 

It has become part and parcel of my life

Just another part of my daily routine 

I can't lie 

I am nervous and anxious and afraid to think about life without methadone

Even though that is a long way off

It still scares me 

I would much rather come off my tablets first 

But I have to trust that my doctor knows what he is doing 

I guess I need to learn 

That I can handle life without relying on a substance 

Because up until  now 

I have always believed that

That I am not strong enough to handle life on life's terms

I guess I need to see for myself that I can manage without a drug or a drink

I saw Breda this morning also 

I was very close to cancelling 

As I didn't really feel like going 

But I know when I start thinking like that 

I am in dodgy territory 

So I went 

I told her what's been happening recently

About the course I have put my name down for 

Which is the local women's centre

It's communications and IT

And it runs two afternoons a week for a year 

It sounds like a great course 

And the women's centre is a lovely place

So the next thing on my agenda 

Is to find out about the job

And if it's still happening 

I am on a disability payment 

And can only work a certain amount of hours each week

So I need to find out about that 

Hopefully I will be able to do everything 

But if I have to stop something

I'm afraid it will be the job

But I still have some time to sort things out 

So watch this space 

It was great to see Breda 

And to tell her about all the positive things that are happening

I feel like I am the most stable that I have been in years

Even my ED is somewhat under control

The purging is at a minimum 

I'm not weighing myself 

And more importantly not caring what I weigh 

My clothes fit 

My skin, hair and nails are healthy 

I feel good 

Neither underweight or overweight 

I'm sleeping well

I wake up in the morning excited for the day

I feel alive 

I feel positive and hopeful for the future 

I feel like i am living 

Rather than existing 

Enjoying life 

Rather than enduring it

Life is good 

And that is an amazing thing to be able to say 

So 

It's onwards and upwards from here 

Things are really coming together for me 

The jigsaw pieces are falling in to place 

And the picture that is my life is becoming clear 

With help from a small army of help and supporters 

I am finding my way 

Finding out who I am

What I am all about 

I feel like I might have a shot at having a good life 

A happy life 

That's all I want 

To feel ok in my own skin

To be able to lay my head down at night 

Knowing I did my best that day to be a good person

And not hurt myself or anyone else 

I am slowly but surely putting my life back together 

I really think I can do this 

I think I can be a good and honest person 

I've come a long way 

And it's taken years to finally figure out what I want 

And where I want to go

But I am getting there 

Great strides start with baby steps 

And my baby steps are happening 

One at a time 

C is for Cravings

Cravings are something that I deal with on a daily basis

Being a former drug addict

A former alcoholic

A former smoker

And a former anorectic 

Cravings are part and parcel of my life

They can hit you when you least expect it

And I can be triggered by almost anything 

Tinfoil 

Spoons 

Certain smells 

7up

I could go on and on

The first major thing I gave up was heroin

That was no mean feat

And to this day 

Is the most difficult thing I've given up

And overcome 

But even now 

After being away from the drug for quite a while

I still get cravings 

I can't watch anything about drugs in films or on tv

Can't listen to certain music

And just being in Dublin is one massive trigger

I also don't go back to the town I grew up in

As it too is a trigger in itself

A craving is a funny thing

Whether it's a craving for heroin

Or vodka 

Or a smoke 

Or a craving to lose weight

They all start off the same way

With a longing to escape

And I am someone who loves to escape

I get bored easily

And if I'm not doing something that captures my attention

Like dancing or my dogs or horse riding 

I find that my mind wanders

The devil makes work for idle hands and all that

They say that a relapse happens long before you pick up the drug

It happens when you begin to let things slip and slide

When you stop going to meetings

When you start isolating 

When you start making excuses 

Good recoveries are made on good foundations 

If you don't have a good foundation 

Your recovery will inevitably crumble and fall

But how ever your good and solid your recovery 

You will encounter cravings 

It's nigh on impossible to avoid them

They can hit you like a smack in the face  

You might be thinking about something completely innocent 

And before you know 

You are reminiscing about the good ol' days 

And wondering how soon you can get to your nearest connection

The trick about cravings 

Is to catch them before you do anything stupid 

As soon as you are aware of it

To do something about it 

So you don't run away with it in your mind

There are many things you can do before a craving turns in to a slip 

Talk to someone 

Get to a meeting 

Ring a friend/member/sponsor 

Think about what will happen if you do use 

It is possible to stop yourself 

I am off cigarettes about 20 months 

However 

I still get horrendous cravings for a smoke 

I know now that they only last minutes 

Sometimes just seconds 

And I know if I just hold on 

It too will pass 

Are any of you doing the A-Z challenge?

B

Again

An obvious one

But B is for Bulimia

As I wrote yesterday 

Over time 

My ED turned from anorexia in to bulimia

I guess I just got the point where I was so hungry 

That I went on an almighty binge 

As I got older 

The harder I found it to resist food 

In my younger days

I could go for days without eating so much as a morsel of food 

But my body just won't let me do that any more 

Up until very recently

My bingeing and purging was out of control

At my worst 

I was purging up to 20 times a day

Every day was the same back then

I would wake up

Walk the dogs 

Go to the supermarket 

Buy or steal binge food

Go home 

And spend the day going round in circles from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom

I had a path worn 

It's the closest thing to hell that I've ever experienced 

Bulimia doesn't get as much attention as anorexia 

People with anorexia are treated with pity 

Where as people with bulimia are thought of as out of control and disgusting 

Both are deadly illnesses 

But bulimia just doesn't get the same attention

Like all EDs

Bulimia thrives on secrets and lies 

Often the sufferer manages to maintain a healthy body weight

So no one would ever know unless you told them 

For me 

I lose weight when I purge 

So it was often quite plain to see that I am struggling 

Even as recently as Christmas I was really struggling 

But have managed to get somewhat back on track in the last month

It's not easy 

I battle every day with my ED

Some days I win 

Some days I lose 

But most days are good days 

And every day that I manage to get through relatively sane is a success 

I write my log in the hope that I can help others and myself fight the war against these illnesses 

For me 

Writing and horse riding have helped fill a hole that my ED left

My life improves even despite of myself and my self destructive ways

I am hopeful for the future 

I have a feeling that something wonderful is going to happen...

A (A - Z Blogging Challenge)

I signed up to do the A - Z Blogging Challenge

Then promptly forgot about it 

I saw Mich had started it

So I thought

Better late than never right?

So 

The letter A

Well it's a bit obvious 

But A is for anorexia

I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 19

Although looking back over my life

I can see that my food issues started when I was a child

As a youngster 

I had a thing about bread

I would be in a friends house 

And I would take slices of bread to eat

I also remember my mother throwing bread out for the birds

Which I would then eat 

I've always loved my food 

Growing up 

I preferred proper dinners to burgers and chips 

I can remember I used to eat a certain way

And kept the foods I liked best until last

Through out my twenties

I lost and gained so much weight 

I've been every weight from emaciated to healthy and back again

Over the years 

My anorexia morphed in to bulimia 

And can no longer starve the way I used to

If anorexia is cool and silent and aloof

Then bulimia is her loud, brash and in your face cousin

Both are equally soul destroying 

Thankfully 

Today I am doing well

I am of a healthy weight

And I am the most stable I have been in a long time 

I don't think I will ever recover fully

Like any addiction 

An eating disorder is managed not cured 

Recovery is not a straight road

Sometimes it feels like one step forwards and two steps back 

But the important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other 

And to keep going 

On my mind....

Wednesday has been on my mind a lot this week

As in the day I brought my nephew horse riding 

He is great 

He is very independent 

And very much amused himself 

So I went and had a cuppa with Eilis who owns the place 

And another French girl

The three of us were sitting up in the spectating area

Watching the kids ride 

Eilis and Lara were talking ten to the dozen 

And having a great laugh

I however 

Felt like a spare wheel

Like I was crippled with self consciousness 

And couldn't contribute to the conversation at all

I'm just really not good at that kind of thing 

And I withdraw very quickly if I feel at all uncomfortable 

I was struck how these two girls were so comfortable just to be themselves 

Granted 

They are older than me

And probably haven't had to deal with an opiate addiction or an ED

Maybe their lives have been a bit more straight forward than mine 

I'm sure they have had struggles in their lives 

Everyone has 

But from their personalities 

And their confidence 

I can tell they have lived a successful life 

I was just dying to get to help with the horses 

But they had so many helpers 

That Oisin and I were hardly needed at all 

But 

We helped where we could leading the horses 

Helping with lunch for the kids 

Tried to calm them down when they were bouncing off the walls

And drying their tears when they inevitably knocked a head or an arm or a foot 

Or a willy in one little boys case! 

I just felt so awkward and out of place 

Like I didn't fit in 

And was paralysed with fear and anxiety 

I hate being like that

I hate feeling uncomfortable 

And in turn making others feel uncomfortable 

I remember I was at a meeting once

This girl was speaking 

And she was saying how through working the programme 

She could walk in to a room full of people anywhere in the world

And feel comfortable to be herself 

I find that I mirror people back to themselves

If you are quiet 

I'll be quiet too

And if you are more outgoing 

I will try to be too

I guess I just haven't found my own little way yet 

I'm still learning who I am 

What I'm about 

What my opinions and views are

What makes me tick

What I am passionate about 

What angers me

My likes and dislikes 

This is all new to me 

I am new to me

But that's ok 

I am going through growing pains 

Albeit a little later than most people 

But I will get there 

Eventually 

I just really want to build up my confidence and self esteem

And feel ok to be me

As I have often said 

I've had to fight tooth and nail to get to the point where most people start off

It's not easy 

Staying clean and sober 

Managing an ED

It's an effort every single day

But it does get easier 

It definitely does 

And I am in it for the long haul

Oh yes

My ass is committed to this 

I guess we don't always see progress on ourselves 

I see it in others 

I see them grow in to beautiful young men and women 

But we don't see it in ourselves 

I definitely don't see it in myself 

I just have to trust that it is happening 

Whether I notice it or not 

I found another course that I am interested 

It's running in the local women's centre 

Communications and IT 

It's a year long 

And starts next month

Two afternoons a week 

Which is perfect for me 

As I could fit in all my other things around that 

I rang yesterday 

And out my name down 

Now I have a decision I need to make 

Go ahead with the job

Or concentrate on learning and furthering my education 

It's hard to know which one to choose 

As both would be great for me

I guess it's time to do a good ol' fashioned pros and cons list

And see which one comes out on top

But you know what?

It's great to be in a position where I can choose 

It wasn't so long ago that I had no options at all

So that my friends, is progress 

I have a little time to sort this out

I will chat  with my family

And try to figure this out

Suggestions and thoughts are welcome

I need all the help I can get....