F is for Free

F is proving to be a tricky customer

The only other word I could think of was food

And I pretty much covered that yesterday 

So free it is 

I wanted to write about being free

As for so long I was a slave to drugs, alcohol and my ED

Having been a heroin addict for years 

I was literally a slave to the drug 

My whole world cantered around the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more 

Because what ever I had 

Was never enough 

I was a greedy addict 

I couldn't control my cravings and urges

I hurt the people I love the most 

But most of all

I hurt myself 

Then came alcohol and prescription meds 

I also abused these to the point where I passed out on the floor 

I was out of control

Out of my mind 

My ED was a similar story

As you know 

I was a serial binger and purger

I literally used to do it all day 

Heck I even woke up in the middle of the night and binged 

It was a nightmare 

Thankfully 

Most of these things are behind me

Yes I am still on methadone and meds 

And yes I still have work to go on my ED recovery 

But I feel the most free that I've felt in the longest time 

Freedom is everything 

Without it

We have nothing 

Now I am free to study

Work 

Travel 

I'm free to wake up in the morning 

And not need a drug to feel normal 

I'm free to walk my dogs 

To go horse riding 

To attend my meetings 

To live my life the way I want

I'm free to travel the world 

As I don't have a criminal

Conviction

And am free to wear what I want 

To pierce my body 

To tattoo my body

Yo listen to the music I want 

Watch the films I want 

Even in this day and age 

There are places in the world where you can't do these things 

Where you don't have the freedom to be yourself 

I guess a lot of the time 

I take my freedom for granted 

I have the freedom of speech too

I can express myself the way I want to

Through words

Writing

Art 

I can express my feeling and thoughts on this blog

That is amazing 

Yes

Freedom is sweet 

And I am grateful to have it in my life today

E is for Eating

And so we are on to the letter E

E for me 

Is eating

Eating is mandatory if you want to live

If you want to have energy

If you want to work

Play 

Work out 

You have to eat if you want the systems in your body to work

And work well

If you want to have healthy nails, skin and hair

Without eating 

Our bodies pretty quickly give up

And we die of starvation and dehydration 

Eating and feeding are one of the first things we learn in life 

As a baby 

Feeding is everything 

But for those of us with eating disorders 

Eating can be a tricky business 

Whether you have anorexia 

Bulimia 

EDNOS

The art of food and eating can be a mine field 

I love my food 

I really love my food

I don't rightly believe anyone who says that they don't enjoy their food

Food and eating are one of life's great pleasures

It brings us together 

To celebrate 

To party

To mourn 

To chat 

To put the world to right over a cuppa and a slice of cake

But my relationship with food has been rocky to say the least 

I love it 

And hate it in equal amounts 

At times over the years 

Food has been my nemesis 

I denied myself food 

Starved my body and mind 

I stuffed it with food 

Then promptly threw it all up 

I over exercised my body with not enough food 

I skipped family occasions becsuse I didn't want to eat 

I ate out of a bin

I ate food straight out of the freezer

I stole food from my family

From my house mates 

From shops and super markets 

Food drove me to the brink of insanity 

Now 

15 years down the ED road 

I have made a kind of peace with food 

I've had to

I don't hate my food anymore 

I don't hate eating 

I don't battle with food the way I used to

Now 

I try to eat three meals and snacks a day

I dont deny myself what I want 

I don't make my body purge as much as I used to 

I enjoy eating now 

I sit at the table now 

I used to eat in front of the TV

Mindlessly shoving food in to my mouth 

Now I take my time

Chat with my family 

It's a social thing also 

One of the most important things in ED recovery 

Is to keep eating 

Even when you don't wany to

When you don't feel like it 

When you are full 

It is so important to eat 

And keep it down of course 

Because once you start skipping meals and snacks 

It is a slippery road back down the rabbit hole

So I do it

I eat 

Because I want to be well

To be healthy 

To have energy 

I eat because for the first time in a long time

I want to live 

Because I now I can see they my life is worth living 

That there is life after an ED

And I do have a chance of happiness as well as health 

Right 

Speaking of eating 

I am off to have a ham toastie with relish

Lip smacking good.....!

D is for Drugs

Ok 

I'm back on track for the A-Z Challenge

Today 

D is for Drugs

As you may know 

In another life 

In a parallel universe 

I was addicted to drugs

In my teens 

I dabbled with all the usual suspects 

And at 18 

I took heroin for the first time 

I was instantly hooked

The thing about drugs 

Is that at first, it's fun

For me

I can still remember fondly the first time I took heroin 

I felt like I had finally found something that helped me be myself 

It gave me confidence 

It helped me feel like I belonged

Like I finally fitted in

I felt untouchable 

Invincible 

Happy 

Like a was in a safe cocoon 

And nothing could hurt me

Of course 

The honey moon period does not last 

And I soon found myself in the murky underworld that is addiction

I spent years trying to recreate that first time I used 

But it was never the same 

Now I was using to not go in to withdrawal

Just to feel normal

I became an expert liar

A proficient thief

And a master manipulator 

I hurt the ones I love the most 

I ripped my family apart 

I left a trail of destruction in my wake 

It was a nightmare 

And I couldn't get out 

For a long time I didn't want to get out

For most of my addiction

I was with my ex boyfriend 

You often see couples in addiction together 

Because no matter how bad things got 

We still had each other 

No matter how low we sank

We still had each other

But for the last couple of years of my addiction 

I was on my own

It was hell 

I was a young girl in a big city 

Alone 

Afraid 

Vulnerable 

I was taken advantage of many many times 

And there was nothing I could do about it 

My addiction was cyclical 

Drugs 

Treatment 

Methadone 

Get clean 

Drugs 

Treatment 

Methadone...

On and on it went 

For a long time 

I didn't want to get clean 

I just wanted the drug 

I spent a lot of time in treatment and hospital 

But always relapsed spectacularly

I was even frog marched over to London 

To do a detox

And yo have any opiate blocker implant fitted 

Which meant if I used 

It would have no effect 

It was supposed to last six months 

But for me 

It lasted a lot longer 

And it didn't stop me using 

I just used other drugs 

My last slip was last year 

Remember The Boy 

And the poppy tea?

That lasted about a month

But caused so much hurt to my family 

I never used to count my clean time 

But I have started now 

And February 14th was day one 

As far as drugs are concerned 

I am quite stable 

As I wrote yesterday

I still get horrendous cravings every now and then 

But I now know how to handle them

And I know they will pass 

I can't say I will never use again 

As I don't know what the future holds

But I do know that I won't use today 

I will stay well today 

I will be a good person today

When ever I tell someone about my past addictions 

People are really surprised 

I guess I am not your typical addict 

And that helped keep me out of trouble over the years 

I suppose everyone has a story to tell 

And this is mine 

Day off

I only realised last night 

That Sunday's are not included in the A-Z challenge

I did C yesterday 

So I will take today off

And just do a regular post

I'm just out of the doctors 

And sitting in the pharmacy waiting for my meds

Today's topics included 

Horse riding 

Michaela MC Collumb, the Irish girl caught smuggling drugs back in 2013 who has just been released from prison in Peru

More of which later 

And methadone 

For the last few weeks 

My doctor has been talking about reducing it 

And every week I've come up with a different excuse not to

But today 

I was all out of excuses 

And so it was reduced from 26mls - 24mls 

Not a lot I know 

But as the amount gets smaller and smaller 

I worry 

Not that I ever notice the drop

It's more psychological than anything 

I am now almost at the point I was two years ago 

Back in 2014 

I was down to 22mls

And I panicked

So asked my doctor to increase it

He increased it to 34mls

And it's only now 

Two years later 

That I am almost back down to 24 mls 

As you know 

I have been on methadone for 11 years now

Every morning for the last decade 

I have taken it first thing every morning

Every Monday I have seen my doctor 

It has become part and parcel of my life

Just another part of my daily routine 

I can't lie 

I am nervous and anxious and afraid to think about life without methadone

Even though that is a long way off

It still scares me 

I would much rather come off my tablets first 

But I have to trust that my doctor knows what he is doing 

I guess I need to learn 

That I can handle life without relying on a substance 

Because up until  now 

I have always believed that

That I am not strong enough to handle life on life's terms

I guess I need to see for myself that I can manage without a drug or a drink

I saw Breda this morning also 

I was very close to cancelling 

As I didn't really feel like going 

But I know when I start thinking like that 

I am in dodgy territory 

So I went 

I told her what's been happening recently

About the course I have put my name down for 

Which is the local women's centre

It's communications and IT

And it runs two afternoons a week for a year 

It sounds like a great course 

And the women's centre is a lovely place

So the next thing on my agenda 

Is to find out about the job

And if it's still happening 

I am on a disability payment 

And can only work a certain amount of hours each week

So I need to find out about that 

Hopefully I will be able to do everything 

But if I have to stop something

I'm afraid it will be the job

But I still have some time to sort things out 

So watch this space 

It was great to see Breda 

And to tell her about all the positive things that are happening

I feel like I am the most stable that I have been in years

Even my ED is somewhat under control

The purging is at a minimum 

I'm not weighing myself 

And more importantly not caring what I weigh 

My clothes fit 

My skin, hair and nails are healthy 

I feel good 

Neither underweight or overweight 

I'm sleeping well

I wake up in the morning excited for the day

I feel alive 

I feel positive and hopeful for the future 

I feel like i am living 

Rather than existing 

Enjoying life 

Rather than enduring it

Life is good 

And that is an amazing thing to be able to say 

So 

It's onwards and upwards from here 

Things are really coming together for me 

The jigsaw pieces are falling in to place 

And the picture that is my life is becoming clear 

With help from a small army of help and supporters 

I am finding my way 

Finding out who I am

What I am all about 

I feel like I might have a shot at having a good life 

A happy life 

That's all I want 

To feel ok in my own skin

To be able to lay my head down at night 

Knowing I did my best that day to be a good person

And not hurt myself or anyone else 

I am slowly but surely putting my life back together 

I really think I can do this 

I think I can be a good and honest person 

I've come a long way 

And it's taken years to finally figure out what I want 

And where I want to go

But I am getting there 

Great strides start with baby steps 

And my baby steps are happening 

One at a time 

C is for Cravings

Cravings are something that I deal with on a daily basis

Being a former drug addict

A former alcoholic

A former smoker

And a former anorectic 

Cravings are part and parcel of my life

They can hit you when you least expect it

And I can be triggered by almost anything 

Tinfoil 

Spoons 

Certain smells 

7up

I could go on and on

The first major thing I gave up was heroin

That was no mean feat

And to this day 

Is the most difficult thing I've given up

And overcome 

But even now 

After being away from the drug for quite a while

I still get cravings 

I can't watch anything about drugs in films or on tv

Can't listen to certain music

And just being in Dublin is one massive trigger

I also don't go back to the town I grew up in

As it too is a trigger in itself

A craving is a funny thing

Whether it's a craving for heroin

Or vodka 

Or a smoke 

Or a craving to lose weight

They all start off the same way

With a longing to escape

And I am someone who loves to escape

I get bored easily

And if I'm not doing something that captures my attention

Like dancing or my dogs or horse riding 

I find that my mind wanders

The devil makes work for idle hands and all that

They say that a relapse happens long before you pick up the drug

It happens when you begin to let things slip and slide

When you stop going to meetings

When you start isolating 

When you start making excuses 

Good recoveries are made on good foundations 

If you don't have a good foundation 

Your recovery will inevitably crumble and fall

But how ever your good and solid your recovery 

You will encounter cravings 

It's nigh on impossible to avoid them

They can hit you like a smack in the face  

You might be thinking about something completely innocent 

And before you know 

You are reminiscing about the good ol' days 

And wondering how soon you can get to your nearest connection

The trick about cravings 

Is to catch them before you do anything stupid 

As soon as you are aware of it

To do something about it 

So you don't run away with it in your mind

There are many things you can do before a craving turns in to a slip 

Talk to someone 

Get to a meeting 

Ring a friend/member/sponsor 

Think about what will happen if you do use 

It is possible to stop yourself 

I am off cigarettes about 20 months 

However 

I still get horrendous cravings for a smoke 

I know now that they only last minutes 

Sometimes just seconds 

And I know if I just hold on 

It too will pass 

Are any of you doing the A-Z challenge?

B

Again

An obvious one

But B is for Bulimia

As I wrote yesterday 

Over time 

My ED turned from anorexia in to bulimia

I guess I just got the point where I was so hungry 

That I went on an almighty binge 

As I got older 

The harder I found it to resist food 

In my younger days

I could go for days without eating so much as a morsel of food 

But my body just won't let me do that any more 

Up until very recently

My bingeing and purging was out of control

At my worst 

I was purging up to 20 times a day

Every day was the same back then

I would wake up

Walk the dogs 

Go to the supermarket 

Buy or steal binge food

Go home 

And spend the day going round in circles from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom

I had a path worn 

It's the closest thing to hell that I've ever experienced 

Bulimia doesn't get as much attention as anorexia 

People with anorexia are treated with pity 

Where as people with bulimia are thought of as out of control and disgusting 

Both are deadly illnesses 

But bulimia just doesn't get the same attention

Like all EDs

Bulimia thrives on secrets and lies 

Often the sufferer manages to maintain a healthy body weight

So no one would ever know unless you told them 

For me 

I lose weight when I purge 

So it was often quite plain to see that I am struggling 

Even as recently as Christmas I was really struggling 

But have managed to get somewhat back on track in the last month

It's not easy 

I battle every day with my ED

Some days I win 

Some days I lose 

But most days are good days 

And every day that I manage to get through relatively sane is a success 

I write my log in the hope that I can help others and myself fight the war against these illnesses 

For me 

Writing and horse riding have helped fill a hole that my ED left

My life improves even despite of myself and my self destructive ways

I am hopeful for the future 

I have a feeling that something wonderful is going to happen...

A (A - Z Blogging Challenge)

I signed up to do the A - Z Blogging Challenge

Then promptly forgot about it 

I saw Mich had started it

So I thought

Better late than never right?

So 

The letter A

Well it's a bit obvious 

But A is for anorexia

I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 19

Although looking back over my life

I can see that my food issues started when I was a child

As a youngster 

I had a thing about bread

I would be in a friends house 

And I would take slices of bread to eat

I also remember my mother throwing bread out for the birds

Which I would then eat 

I've always loved my food 

Growing up 

I preferred proper dinners to burgers and chips 

I can remember I used to eat a certain way

And kept the foods I liked best until last

Through out my twenties

I lost and gained so much weight 

I've been every weight from emaciated to healthy and back again

Over the years 

My anorexia morphed in to bulimia 

And can no longer starve the way I used to

If anorexia is cool and silent and aloof

Then bulimia is her loud, brash and in your face cousin

Both are equally soul destroying 

Thankfully 

Today I am doing well

I am of a healthy weight

And I am the most stable I have been in a long time 

I don't think I will ever recover fully

Like any addiction 

An eating disorder is managed not cured 

Recovery is not a straight road

Sometimes it feels like one step forwards and two steps back 

But the important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other 

And to keep going