I is for Identity

I was another tricky customer

But after giving it some thought

I decided to go with Identity 

As it's something that comes up for me again and again

In my illness

And in recovery 

When I was very unwell

My whole persona revolved around both my addiction and my ED

From the age of 18

I was Ruby the drug addict

And that's a label that's hard to shake 

As along with that come the labels of liar, thief, manipulator 

They say a reputation takes years to form

But only seconds to undo

I had a reputation of being trouble

And boy did I live up to it 

Somewhere along the line

My ED began to develop

And it wasn't long until I had acquired a new label

Anorectic 

Quickly followed by bulimic

In a strange way

Once you are labelled with these titles

You feel like you have to live up to them

I knew nothing about eating disorders before I was diagnosed

I had never known anyone with one 

I had no experience at all 

My diagnosis was a complete shock 

I wasn't trying to lose weight 

I wasn't unhappy with my size

In fact more than that 

I never gave it much thought 

It wasn't until the professionals started weighing me 

That I began to take notice of the numbers 

They seemed important to them

So they became important to me

And have been the Bain of my life ever since 

After my diagnosis 

I completely identified myself by my illness 

I was no longer Ruby 

I was Ruby the sick one

And when you are sick 

People are generally very nice to you 

Very caring 

You get a special kind of attention

I know it might not be popular to say that 

But for me 

It was the truth 

I used to get a kick out people telling me that I looked unwell

That I looked pale and wan

I almost wanted people to feel sorry for me 

Why?

I'm not entirely sure 

But I do know

That once you become the sick one 

It's really very difficult to shake that label

Because being sick becomes your whole world 

If it's taken away 

What will be left?

And that's exactly what terrified me

Who would I be without my illness?

It was like my ED slowly but surely taking over my life 

My personality

My body

And without it 

I had nothing 

There comes a point in life 

When you either sink or swim

I came to that point about two years ago  

After I got out of hospital for the umpteenth time

I had to make the decision 

To recover 

Or sink further down the rabbit hole

I began to gain weight 

And get well 

It hasn't been a straight road since then 

I've been up and down and all over the place 

And had a minor relapse last year 

But 

I bounced back 

And continue to bounce back

There was a time 

Not too long ago 

That I did nothing of a day 

Apart from binge and purge 

All I did was watch TV all day 

And eat 

And throw up

I had nothing going on in my life 

No job 

No course 

No hobbies 

No interests 

It was just me and my ED

But over the last year 

I have carved out a life for myself 

Now I have a life 

I am no longer Ruby the anorectic 

I am Ruby the woman

Ruby the daughter 

Sister 

Auntie 

Dog owner

Horse rider 

Ruby the dancer 

The swimmer 

Ruby the recovering addict and anorectic 

I am

Now I am so much more than my illness 

My illness has faded in to the background 

And I  starting to live 

And love

My life 

Rest Day

Today is a break from the A - Z Challenge

So I thought I would take the opportunity to do a personal update

As I haven't done one in over a week I think

Things are ticking along nicely 

I'm going to my meetings 

Appointments 

Walking the dogs

Eating my meals 

And horse riding 

Apparently I am going to be in a dressage show next month 

Which I am super anxious about 

It's basically doing a little routine with the horse 

WAlking and trotting around an obstacle course 

I did it for the first time last week

And found it quite tricky 

Someone calls out the instructions 

And you have to be on the ball 

Listening 

And acting promptly 

Usually myself and Star are behind another horse during our lesson

And Star literally follows and copies who ever is in front of him 

But when it was just me and Star

He wasn't taking my instructions at all

He wouldn't trot for me

And he was generally doing his own little course 

And I was left practically hanging off the side of him

I asked Eilish if I was going to be ready in time for the competition

And she assured me that she wouldn't put me in the show 

If she didn't believe I could do it 

So that gave me a little boost of confidence

I have three more lessons before the show

And hopefully I can squeeze in some e yea ones too

But 

As nervous as I am 

I really want to do the show 

I think there will be lots of learning for me 

And it might help my confidence too

All I can do is my best 

As long as I do that 

That's all the matters 

In other news 

I'm feeling good at the moment 

My mood is stable 

My meds are on track

And am taking them correctly 

I'm attending meetings twice a week

I have lots going on 

Including the Pilates 

Which I write about a few days ago

I think I will go back this week 

And see how I get on 

Despite having to look at the very thin girl

I'm also starting a dance class too 

Which I'm really looking forward to

I really want to learn salsa 

And how to jive

Jiveing is really popular here at the moment 

And I think it looks like great fun

It's something social to do that doesn't revolve around alcohol either 

Which is good for me 

My food is going ok

It's not fantastic 

But it's not terrible either 

I gues it's bearable 

I can live with it

And it doesn't interfere with my life too much 

I'm not weighing at all right now

I'm just going by how I feel 

Rather than my weight

My clothes fit

I feel healthy and strong 

And that's good enough for me

I inquired about my job 

And my disability payment

It turns out I can work twenty hours a week

And keep my benefit 

So that's something I need to think about 

After twenty hours 

My benefit will be cut on a sliding scale 

It's really hard to know what to do

I've asked quite a few people what they think

Some say I should just do the job

And forget about my benefit

Others say I should try and keep my benefit

As once you are taken off it 

It's incredibly hard to get back on it

I have to remember that this job is seasonal

And come September 

I might have no job again

Anyway

I will work something out 

So 

All in all 

Things are good 

I'm the best I've been in a long time 

And that is amazing 

I don't relax though 

I never relax 

I know I am only one drug away from relapsing 

The same with my ED

I think it's healthy to have a certain amount of  fear with your addiction

It's good as it keeps you on your toes 

And afraid to use or drink 

Complacency will just not go at all 

With that said 

I was wondering about you 

What keeps you going every day?

What gets you out of bed in the morning?

Inquiring mind nods want to know....

H is for Honey!

Of course it's for Honey

What else could it be?

A couple of readers said the knew what I was going to post today

Were you right?

So

Let me tell you a bit about Honey

She has many nicknames that I use every day

Honey bunny

The Hunster 

Hunion

The Hunstable 

Sometimes just saying Honey doesn't cut it

Honey is now the grand ol' age of 11

That's 77 in dog years

We got Honey when she was 5 months old 

A tiny little thing 

Cheeky from the start 

I remember the day we went to the shelter 

The lady there told us that she had paired me with an amazing dog

And out came Honey 

To be honest 

I'm wasn't mad about Honey when I first saw her 

I wasn't really into small dogs 

And she was very small 

But 

I trusted the lady that this was a good match 

Web also decided not to change her name 

As it suited her so well

We bundled Honey in to the car 

And headed for home 

Back then 

Before we got Lea 

We had a dog called Leo

Who I also got at the shelter 

He was a beautiful dog 

Fawn coloured

Lean and strong

With such a gentle nature 

Honey came into our lives like a ball of energy 

She followed Leo everywhere 

And slept cuddled in to him 

She was was so cheeky

And claimed her own chair on the first day

Honey had been given in to the shelter by a single mother 

Who had been given Honey as a present 

And being a dog who needed much attention

She couldn't look after Honey 

And so gave her in to the shelter 

I am so glad she did 

As I quickly grew to love her

Honey is bold to the bone 

No matter how many times you tell her not to do something 

Any chance she gets 

She will do it again and again 

Her favourite thing to do is to sneak downstairs to my bedroom 

Go through my bin

And then pan out on my bed

She loves her comfort 

Her bed has two cushions and a blanket 

Her whole life revolves around food

There is something seriously wrong with Honey if she is off her food

Her favourite treat is an pigs ear

And she is quite partial to chicken and beef 

These days she spends a lot of time asleep 

And doesn't always come for a walk 

She goes between her bed and her chair 

And when I go over to her 

Her little tail wags back and forth so fast

Honey almost drowned once 

I had to jump in to the lake to save her 

I wouldn't think twice about doing that 

There's no way I am losing my Honey Bunny

Last year Honeys eye became really infected 

Resulting in one of her eyes being removed 

We were all so worried at the time 

But she made a remarkable recovery 

And is now fighting fit again

Albeit with one eye....

Seriously though 

Honey has my constant companion for the last 11 years 

She has been through a lot with me 

Through out my slips and relapses 

My hospital and treatment admissions 

My highs and lows 

Ups and downs 

She has been at my side 

And I wouldn't believe without her 

When I can't find a reason to get up in the morning 

I get up for her 

When I do t want the leave my house 

I leave to walk her 

She has helped my mental health massively 

Just spending time with her is soothing and relaxing 

She is my best friend 

No doubt 

Here are some photos of Honey for your delectation

Enjoy....

G is for Girl

Im taking a bit of poetic license with the letter G

I really wanted to write about something that happened last night

And using G for Girl was the only way I could do that 

Anyway

On to the post

As you know 

My Mam was diagnosed with osteoporosis recently 

In her hips and spine 

The doctor told her 

That weight bearing exercises would help

So we have been on the look out for suitable courses and classes

We found a Pilates class about half an hour from our house

My Mam rang the lady 

And she sounded very good 

So we put our names down

The first class was last night 

So we donned our work out clothes 

And headed out 

We arrived at the leisure centre just before 8pm

And waited in reception for the previous class to finish 

It was very busy 

Lots of people in and out 

But one particular girl caught my eye 

She was wearing grey leggings 

And a grey top

All her clothes were very tight 

The first thing I noticed 

Was that she was extremely thin

Her hair was white blonde 

And she was so pale she was almost translucent 

I didn't want to stare at her

 my eye kept being drawn to her

After a few minutes wait

It was time for the class

We walked upstairs 

To the room where it was being held 

Grey Girl as I will call her also went up to the room

The instructor greeted us 

She had wild curly hair 

And looked so fit and toned

Like her muscles were rock hard 

It turned out that is was just us three in the class 

There were three large mirrors on the wall

And I kept taking sneaky glances at Grey Girl

The teacher asked us if we do any other exercise 

I told her about the swimming 

And Grey Girl said that she walks and runs 

But that she has two small children 

And didn't always get to do it

She sounded confident 

Sure of herself 

But I couldn't help but wonder if she had an eating disorder 

Grey Girl said that she had done Pilates before 

But it was years ago

This also made me wonder 

As it sounded like she used to exercise 

But had to stop

And now she was just starting again

I don't know

Maybe I am way off the mark

But I've always been able to recognise a fellow sufferer 

Then of course

I felt like a right heffer beside her 

I compared our thighs in the mirror

_UWhere our bones were visible

In fact

I was totally distracted by her during the whole class 

I guess I was triggered by this girl 

This morning 

I asked my Mam if she noticed anything about Grey Girl 

She said that she had noticed how  thin she was

Initially 

I felt jealous of the girl

As sick as that sounds

I wanted to be that thin too

But 

My mother said we looked very similar 

It's going to be hard if she is in the class every week

Maybe I am wrong

Maybe I am presuming without all of the facts

I hope I'm wrong 

I really do 

F is for Free

F is proving to be a tricky customer

The only other word I could think of was food

And I pretty much covered that yesterday 

So free it is 

I wanted to write about being free

As for so long I was a slave to drugs, alcohol and my ED

Having been a heroin addict for years 

I was literally a slave to the drug 

My whole world cantered around the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more 

Because what ever I had 

Was never enough 

I was a greedy addict 

I couldn't control my cravings and urges

I hurt the people I love the most 

But most of all

I hurt myself 

Then came alcohol and prescription meds 

I also abused these to the point where I passed out on the floor 

I was out of control

Out of my mind 

My ED was a similar story

As you know 

I was a serial binger and purger

I literally used to do it all day 

Heck I even woke up in the middle of the night and binged 

It was a nightmare 

Thankfully 

Most of these things are behind me

Yes I am still on methadone and meds 

And yes I still have work to go on my ED recovery 

But I feel the most free that I've felt in the longest time 

Freedom is everything 

Without it

We have nothing 

Now I am free to study

Work 

Travel 

I'm free to wake up in the morning 

And not need a drug to feel normal 

I'm free to walk my dogs 

To go horse riding 

To attend my meetings 

To live my life the way I want

I'm free to travel the world 

As I don't have a criminal

Conviction

And am free to wear what I want 

To pierce my body 

To tattoo my body

Yo listen to the music I want 

Watch the films I want 

Even in this day and age 

There are places in the world where you can't do these things 

Where you don't have the freedom to be yourself 

I guess a lot of the time 

I take my freedom for granted 

I have the freedom of speech too

I can express myself the way I want to

Through words

Writing

Art 

I can express my feeling and thoughts on this blog

That is amazing 

Yes

Freedom is sweet 

And I am grateful to have it in my life today

E is for Eating

And so we are on to the letter E

E for me 

Is eating

Eating is mandatory if you want to live

If you want to have energy

If you want to work

Play 

Work out 

You have to eat if you want the systems in your body to work

And work well

If you want to have healthy nails, skin and hair

Without eating 

Our bodies pretty quickly give up

And we die of starvation and dehydration 

Eating and feeding are one of the first things we learn in life 

As a baby 

Feeding is everything 

But for those of us with eating disorders 

Eating can be a tricky business 

Whether you have anorexia 

Bulimia 

EDNOS

The art of food and eating can be a mine field 

I love my food 

I really love my food

I don't rightly believe anyone who says that they don't enjoy their food

Food and eating are one of life's great pleasures

It brings us together 

To celebrate 

To party

To mourn 

To chat 

To put the world to right over a cuppa and a slice of cake

But my relationship with food has been rocky to say the least 

I love it 

And hate it in equal amounts 

At times over the years 

Food has been my nemesis 

I denied myself food 

Starved my body and mind 

I stuffed it with food 

Then promptly threw it all up 

I over exercised my body with not enough food 

I skipped family occasions becsuse I didn't want to eat 

I ate out of a bin

I ate food straight out of the freezer

I stole food from my family

From my house mates 

From shops and super markets 

Food drove me to the brink of insanity 

Now 

15 years down the ED road 

I have made a kind of peace with food 

I've had to

I don't hate my food anymore 

I don't hate eating 

I don't battle with food the way I used to

Now 

I try to eat three meals and snacks a day

I dont deny myself what I want 

I don't make my body purge as much as I used to 

I enjoy eating now 

I sit at the table now 

I used to eat in front of the TV

Mindlessly shoving food in to my mouth 

Now I take my time

Chat with my family 

It's a social thing also 

One of the most important things in ED recovery 

Is to keep eating 

Even when you don't wany to

When you don't feel like it 

When you are full 

It is so important to eat 

And keep it down of course 

Because once you start skipping meals and snacks 

It is a slippery road back down the rabbit hole

So I do it

I eat 

Because I want to be well

To be healthy 

To have energy 

I eat because for the first time in a long time

I want to live 

Because I now I can see they my life is worth living 

That there is life after an ED

And I do have a chance of happiness as well as health 

Right 

Speaking of eating 

I am off to have a ham toastie with relish

Lip smacking good.....!

D is for Drugs

Ok 

I'm back on track for the A-Z Challenge

Today 

D is for Drugs

As you may know 

In another life 

In a parallel universe 

I was addicted to drugs

In my teens 

I dabbled with all the usual suspects 

And at 18 

I took heroin for the first time 

I was instantly hooked

The thing about drugs 

Is that at first, it's fun

For me

I can still remember fondly the first time I took heroin 

I felt like I had finally found something that helped me be myself 

It gave me confidence 

It helped me feel like I belonged

Like I finally fitted in

I felt untouchable 

Invincible 

Happy 

Like a was in a safe cocoon 

And nothing could hurt me

Of course 

The honey moon period does not last 

And I soon found myself in the murky underworld that is addiction

I spent years trying to recreate that first time I used 

But it was never the same 

Now I was using to not go in to withdrawal

Just to feel normal

I became an expert liar

A proficient thief

And a master manipulator 

I hurt the ones I love the most 

I ripped my family apart 

I left a trail of destruction in my wake 

It was a nightmare 

And I couldn't get out 

For a long time I didn't want to get out

For most of my addiction

I was with my ex boyfriend 

You often see couples in addiction together 

Because no matter how bad things got 

We still had each other 

No matter how low we sank

We still had each other

But for the last couple of years of my addiction 

I was on my own

It was hell 

I was a young girl in a big city 

Alone 

Afraid 

Vulnerable 

I was taken advantage of many many times 

And there was nothing I could do about it 

My addiction was cyclical 

Drugs 

Treatment 

Methadone 

Get clean 

Drugs 

Treatment 

Methadone...

On and on it went 

For a long time 

I didn't want to get clean 

I just wanted the drug 

I spent a lot of time in treatment and hospital 

But always relapsed spectacularly

I was even frog marched over to London 

To do a detox

And yo have any opiate blocker implant fitted 

Which meant if I used 

It would have no effect 

It was supposed to last six months 

But for me 

It lasted a lot longer 

And it didn't stop me using 

I just used other drugs 

My last slip was last year 

Remember The Boy 

And the poppy tea?

That lasted about a month

But caused so much hurt to my family 

I never used to count my clean time 

But I have started now 

And February 14th was day one 

As far as drugs are concerned 

I am quite stable 

As I wrote yesterday

I still get horrendous cravings every now and then 

But I now know how to handle them

And I know they will pass 

I can't say I will never use again 

As I don't know what the future holds

But I do know that I won't use today 

I will stay well today 

I will be a good person today

When ever I tell someone about my past addictions 

People are really surprised 

I guess I am not your typical addict 

And that helped keep me out of trouble over the years 

I suppose everyone has a story to tell 

And this is mine