Getting ready for Monday

The last few days have been spent getting ready to start my course Monday 

The logistics 

Sorting out travel 

My money 

My meals and how I'm going to manage those 

And generally psyching myself up to be on good form 

And ready to take on anything my course throws at me

Terror and anxiety is gradually giving way to excitement and eagerness 

I can't wait to start 

I can't wait to throw myself in to it 

To be in the midst of everything horsey for the next 18 months

As well as it being right up my street 

I know it's also going to be tough

Early mornings 

Getting up in the dark 

Coming home in the dark 

Long days 

Physically and emotionally it's going to be hard going 

But I am so ready for the challenge 

So ready to learn and grow 

And become a capable horse rider 

I just have such a good feeling about this 

Yesterday 

I had a moment of weakness 

And I weighed myself 

My mother also weighed herself 

And I weigh more than her 

This bothered me for about half an hour 

But then I realised that it really doesn't matter 

Not one little bit 

I am right smack bang in the middle of what is a healthy weight for my height 

I am taller than my mother 

I also came to the realisation 

That if I want to do my course 

If I want to be a competent horse rider 

I need to keep my strength up 

I need to keep my body fuelled 

If I stop eating 

Or start purging more 

Then I can say goodbye to my course 

Goodbye to my health 

My happiness 

My families happiness 

There are bigger issues I have to

Address 

Like being able to contribute to looking after my Dad 

I'm needed 

If I am not eating properly 

I can't do any of this 

It could be argued that addiction and EDs are extremely selfish 

I both agree and disagree with this 

I know it took me a long time to realise they my addictions effected more than just me 

It had a ripple effect on to everyone around me 

And my family were stone cold sober through it all 

I was off my face 

And oblivious to the hurt and pain I was causing 

Now I know if I want to pick up a drug 

Then it's not just my life I'm ruining 

But those around me also 

And that is too high a cost to pay 

So 

I am not getting back on the merry-go-round of weighing myself 

No good can come of it 

Today 

I am taking it easy 

And gathering my strength for Monday 

I know some of you expressed concern that this horsemanship course might be too much for me 

And I know I will struggle with aspects of it 

But I have to follow my heart 

And go with what I feel is right 

I could do the computer course I applied for 

Which would only be two days a week 

But computers don't excite me 

Horses excite me 

Riding excites me 

Anything to do with animals excites me 

So i am going to go for it 

I know I would regret it if I didn't 

I feel I have a good foundation in riding now 

Although 

When I go out to the new stables 

I'm not going to say that I have experience 

I'll play down the fact that I have a little bit of experience 

Just so the don't push me too much 

I just can't wait to get started though 

I have such a good feeling about it!

Anyway 

That's it from me for today 

Hope you all have a lovely Saturday 

And see you on the next post....

Introvert or Extrovert?

My sister lived in Australia for 12 years 

And came back to live with us a couple of years ago

She was going through a hard time 

Battling depression and anxiety 

And wanted to be at home 

Personally 

I was delighted she came home 

As I get on very well with her 

But I did notice a lot of changes in her 

She had a lot less energy 

And she craved quietness and warmth

We live in a bungalow 

But we have two bedrooms renovated upstairs

And my sisters bedroom is one of those 

She calls it her 'Nest'

It's very silent up there 

And warm 

And she regularly retreats there to have a nap 

Or to watch something on her laptop

Sometimes I get texts asking me to go up and visit her 

And often I'll get in to the bed with her 

I enjoy the coziness 

But that's where the similarities end

When I get up in the morning 

The first thing I do is turn on the radio 

Often times I turn it on while snoozing in bed 

I like the radio 

And it's constantly on here at home 

However 

When my sister comes in 

The first thing she does is turn off the radio

I like it because it's background noise 

And it takes me away from my own thoughts 

Which may or may not be negative

I like to have something else to focus on

To take me away from myself and my own little worries 

My sister can't stand noise of any kind 

And craves peace and quiet 

Anyway 

Where am I going with this?

Yes 

My sister posted a pic on FB about extroverts and introverts 

And the difference between the two

She identifies as an introvert 

And that got me thinking about what I am 

I definitely don't fit neatly in to one category 

I guess like everyone 

There are times when I am an extrovert 

And times when I am an introvert 

As I tend to be pretty quiet around people i don't know 

And louder and more gregarious around people I do know 

I also tend to find it easier to talk to strangers for some reason

I think I can put people in to categories 

I was bullied for a while as s child 

By girls from the rougher and tougher tech school 

This school was near my house 

So I passed these girls every day on the way home from school 

It was nothing serious 

Mainly bitchy comments 

A few pushes

They tried hard to scare me 

And it worked to a certain extent 

But ever since then 

Girls like this have made me feel uneasy 

What girls?

Well girls who are rough 

Loud 

Often very pretty

And definitely intimidating 

I can identify them immediately 

And I revert back to being that scared school girl 

Because of this 

As a teenager 

I often sought out boyfriends and friends who were the male equivalent of these girls 

So I had someone on my side 

And I may even be accepted by said girls  

As some of you will know 

Bullying can really damage self esteem and confidence 

Before these incidents 

I was well on my way to becoming an extrovert 

But that wasn't to be 

And I ended up the way I ended up 

But now 

I put people in to categories 

And that's not a good thing 

Everyone should be equal 

And it would be nice if that were always the way 

But it's not

At least for me anyway 

Now I am an extrovert trapped in an introverts body 

I would love to be myself more 

But often I let shyness and lack of confidence swallow me up 

This is one of the reasons I love blogging 

As I find it much easier to communicate through the written word 

Rather than speaking

But I guess a lot of people are like that 

So 

With all that said 

And I have covered a lot in this short post 

I was wondering about you 

Do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

Are you a bit of both? 

Have you been bullied love me me ?

How did it effect you in later life?

Answers on a postcard please....

Preparation

I spoke to Atlanta again yesterday 

I wanted to ask her if I could postpone my trial period to the week after next 

As I need to be around next week

As my Dad has some appointments in Dublin

She said that was no problem 

So I start my trial period on the 17th

And then I start the course proper on the 24th

I told Atlanta to go ahead and do her paper work 

Now I just need to go and sort out my payment 

And then I will be official!

Exciting no?

I know that some of you have expressed concern that this course might be too much 

And I totally get that 

I'm concerned too 

It's going to be a long week

With long days 

I figured out that I could get a bus in to town at 7 50am

That gets there at about 8 40am

So that would leave me time to get a cuppa before I start at 9 15am

Then I finish at 4 15pm

And can get a bus home at 4 30pm

Driving is really a no go 

As I'm still waiting to do my test 

And parking will also pose a problem

Busing it will make the day a bit longer 

But I guess I can sleep for the journey 

I also need to sort out my meds 

As you know 

Monday is usually doctor day 

So that will have to change 

Friday is only a half day on the course 

So I will chAnge my appointment to Friday afternoons 

Which is simple enough 

I also need to think about when I take my meds

And will probably have to start taking them at night 

So I am alert during the day

But that is easy enough to implement 

I've had to weigh up the pros and cons of doing this course 

The cons being the long days 

The fact I won't be able to attend horse therapy on a Wednesday 

Less time with my dogs 

Tiredness 

Lots of tiredness 

But there are many pros 

I will be doing something that I love 

I will be out and about 

Learning something new 

I will be horse riding twice a week 

I will be meeting new people who share my passion 

Lots to think about 

It's a huge leap for me 

And it's a risk 

But it's a risk I'm willing to take 

In other news 

I wrote a few posts ago 

About changing my diet 

Read: Not going on a diet 

But just making some adjustments 

I had been taking in so much salt 

That I was constantly bloated 

I was literally living off salt and vinegar crisps and roasted and salted peanuts 

And I really mean that I was eating precious little else 

Even as I ate them

I could feel myself bloating 

And it's such a horrible feeling y clothes felt right 

I looked six months pregnant 

But I craved salt the way I used to crave heroin

I tried many times to kick my salt habit 

Even throwing out all the Pringles and peanuts in the house 

But my cravings were so strong 

I kept giving in to temptation

The final straw came 

Last Thursday 

When I wore a jacket in to town 

And I could almost feel my body swallowing and eating the jacket 

It was so tight I felt so uncomfortable 

So I knew I had to do something 

Not lose weight as such 

But to address the bloating 

And the uncomfortable feeling 

So on Thursday I had my last box of Pringles 

And my last bag of peanuts 

I was super determined to kick this habit 

And eat a healthier and more varied diet 

Yesterday was my first day

And I was literally hanging for a hit of salt 

I came so close to going to the shop for crisps 

Every time I got a craving 

I had something else to eat 

I mean obviously I can't eliminate salt completely 

But I can reduce my intake 

Within hours of kicking my salt habit 

I could feel the bloating disapate 

And my tummy looked less pregnant like 

At some points it was touch and go 

But I managed not to fold 

And today is my second day relatively salt free 

But most definitely crisp and peanut free

I'm also trying to have proper meals 

To keep my blood sugar stable 

As far as my ED goes 

It's a whole lot better 

Not perfect 

But it's about progress not perfection 

I still purge from time to time 

That is proving incredibly hard to eradicate 

But Jesus H Christ 

It is miles better than it was 

I think back to a couple of years ago 

I was out of control 

I spent my days bingeing and purging 

Stealing food from shops 

I had a path work from my kitchen yo my bathroom 

It was crazy 

But I couldn't stop

I couldn't stop

I wanted to 

But I didn't know how

I was killing myself slowly 

It was a nightmare 

Which makes me so grateful for the recovery that I have found 

I am so much better then I was 

And the last nine months 

Things have just got better and better 

I am now living my life 

My way 

And even more than that 

I am enjoying it so much 

I used to wake up in the morning 

And dread the day ahead 

Knowing that I would spent my day with my head in the toilet bowl 

Was soul destroying 

Then there was the daily ritual of weighing myself 

And that number dictated my self worth 

My confidence 

My mood for the whole damn day

I know now that scales serve no purpose for me 

Like an alcoholic in recovery needs to stay away from alcohol

I need to stay away from the scales 

Or any measuring device that measures my self worth in numbers 

At least I've learned that much 

So I'm hoping that in the coming weeks 

My body will settle down 

That the bloating will correct itself 

And that I will feel better in my own skin 

I also know that if I start this course 

I'm going to need to keep my strength up

And that means eating breakfast and lunch and dinner 

No living off chocolate for bursts of energy 

I know that ther course will be tough at first 

As I get used to the new routine 

I guess I'm going to have to get up at about 7am

But I got up at that time for work 

And I'm an early riser anyway 

So I should be ok

I'm just so excited to start though 

I have just over a week to gather my strength 

And get my head in the zone

Then it's the beginning of the rest of my life...

Course Update

So this morning 

I had an appointment with the course coordinator of the horsemanship course I want to do 

Her name is Atlanta

I arrived in the building bang on 10am

If I am anything 

I am punctual

With a name like Atlanta 

I expected her to look like a mermaid

Or a Disney princess 

But to my disappointment she was a real live human being 

Very friendly 

And filled me in on the course content 

They do three days in the classroom 

Monday to Wednesday 

And Thursday and Friday are spent in the stables 

There are about eight modules 

Including horse riding and health and safety 

Plus some optional modules 

Like IT and communications

The days are quite long 

9am to 4pm 

But there is a half day on a Friday 

Which is nice 

Atlanta read my application 

And told me that their psychologist may want to see me before I start 

Just to make sure I am ready and able for the course 

I don't sweat about things like that 

I know I can come across well with a bit of effort 

Atlanta told me that I am welcome to try the course out for a few days 

To see if I like it 

She suggested next week

But as it turns out

Next week is not good for me

So it will have to be the week after

At least that will give me an idea if it is for me or not 

I also have to contact my local

Social welfare office 

To let them know I am starting the course 

It was a lot to take in today 

But I really like the sound of the course 

I am going to take tonight to think about it 

And ring Atlanta tomorrow with my decision

Of course 

If I start this course 

It will rule out my horse therapy on a Wednesday 

That means so much to me 

And I will miss it so much if I have to leave 

But I also know that I have to move on at some stage 

If I want to progress 

I wrote a lot on my application about the the role animals can play in therapy 

And Atlanta said the course tutors also believed this 

So that is great that we are on the same page

I guess what worries me

And causes me some anxiety 

Is not so much the course itself 

I mean I am pretty sure that I will love it 

It's everything around the course that causes me concern 

I live about a 35minute drive from the centre 

And if the course starts at 9am

I will need to leave home shortly after 8am

Then there is the issue of parking 

I worked out they I could get a bus in and out 

So that would probably be the best option

As the thought of driving every day stresses me out 

Even though I spent the summer working 

I know doing a full time course is really going to tire me out 

At first for certain

Then hopefully I will become accustomed to it 

And it will become easier 

Then there is the pressure of starting in a new place with new people 

I guess those first few weeks when I am finding my feet will be tough 

But once I am settled in 

Hopefully things will become more manageable 

Also 

I have two dogs they need looking after 

So if I do this course 

They probably won't get walked every day 

And they will spend most of the day with my Mam and Dad rather than me

That doesn't pose a huge problem 

But it's something to think about 

I know when I come in in the evening 

They will want attention and hugs 

And it's going to be an adjustment period for all of us 

So yes 

A lot to think about 

But I am really hoping I can rejig things so that I can attend the course

And I can still maintain my recovery 

Which is paramount 

Because with out my recovery 

I literally have nothing 

It is the foundation of my whole life

And it has to take priority 

There will be some practical things that need to be sorted 

Like changing my doctor day from Monday to Friday 

Organising meds 

I'm pretty sure I will have to start taking my meds at night rather than the morning 

As I don't want t be drowsy in class

My good friend Fintan had some wise words for me recently 

He said that if it excites me

And scares me

Then I should probably do it 

And it does 

It both thrills me and terrifies me

Isn't that always the way with dreams?

I will take tonight 

To weigh up the pros and cons of doing this course 

But in my heart 

I know what I want to do

I just know 

I met a friend for lunch in town today also 

A girl who was in treatment with me a couple of years ago 

We meet up every few weeks 

To catch up 

Listen 

Chat 

Give advice and take some

Today we talked a lot about perfectionism 

My friend would suffer with this 

As do I 

I don't know if I always was like this 

Because it's only in recovery that I have started to recognise it 

I really noticed it in work this summer 

Agonising over decisions

Staying late to check and re check everything I did

It was pretty bad

And when I came home 

I would stress over whether I had left everything on

Even worrying that the place would burn down because I forgot to turn off the gas or something similar

Perfectionism really seems to be a trait of anorexia 

In EDs in general 

Today I told my friend a little thing my sister taught me

That done is better than perfect!

Love that!

Because I know I could never finish anything 

For fear that it wasn't perfect 

I swear 

Life is too short people 

Anyway 

That is my little update for the day 

Thank you for reading 

And if you have any feedback about the course 

I would be grateful 

Do I stay where I am?

Continuing horse therapy once a week

Or do I push myself?

And throw myself in to this course?

I'd love to know what you think...

The day after

I'm feeling a bit more sane and rational today

Yesterday's post was a knee jerk reaction

To my weighing myself 

It's amazing the clarity a good nights sleep can bring 

I feel quite differently about it this morning 

I mean come on Ruby 

Your BMI is on the low side of healthy 

All my clothes fit me 

I'm not overweight 

No where near it in fact 

So basically 

I need to stop worrying about my weight 

And start living my life 

I'm a firm believer in rocking what you've got 

And confidence is often the most attractive thing about a person

So that's what I'm going to do 

This is my body at the moment 

It has shape 

It has curves 

I'm going to embrace them for what they are 

Signs that I am healthy and happy

Truth be told 

I don't want a super skinny body 

I don't want to be underweight 

I just to be happy in my own skin

And I am most of the time 

I have a lot to be grateful for 

I made it through opiate addiction

And an eating disorder 

I should be glad that I have a healthy body 

After everything I put it through 

Yes 

I so need to work on my diet 

And try and eat a balanced diet 

But there is no panic 

No stress 

I'm doing ok

I'm 

Doing 

Ok....

Untitled

I made a mistake last week

I had been dying to know my weight 

As I felt like it was spinning out of control

I was going to buy a scales 

But they had none in my local pharmacy 

Is that a sign or what?

Anyway 

As I waited for my meds to be dispensed 

I spotted the stand in scales in the corner of the store 

It was one where you put in a coin

And it takes your weight 

Your height

And your BMI

Curiosity over took me 

I took off my jacket and my trainers 

And put a coin in to the slot 

I stood holding my breath

As if the air in my lungs would effect the reading 

The machine printed out my ticket 

I put it in my coat pocket

And I took a seat 

I was torn about whether to look at it 

It was burning a hole in my jeans 

 I wanted to know 

Yet I didn't want to know

I knew it was a bad idea 

But I just couldn't help myself 

I tentatively pulled the slip of paper from my jeans pocket 

My heart was thumping 

And I prepared myself for the worst case

I opened the ticket 

And processed the numbers  

My weight in stones and pounds 

Also in kilograms 

My percentage body fat 

And my BMI 

Which was between 21 and 22

It couldn't be more average if I tried 

And I hate being average 

Seriously though 

My weight is pretty much what I thought it was 

Even so 

I don't like it

I feel big and cumbersome 

And generally feeling a bit upset about the whole thing

I'm not going on a diet 

Or anything of the sort

I just want to become a little more mindful of how I eat

And not exist on chocolate bars and chips

I want to establish a healthy eating plan

And look 

I know that's not sustainable 100% of the time 

Everything in moderation 

Including moderation 

I just want to feel Ok in my body 

And I don't feel that at the moment 

I'm not slipping or relapsing  at all 

That is for sure 

I just think that I don't  need to gain any more weight 

So I can put a halt to that now 

So 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Have you ever tried to eat differently while in recovery?

Do you think it is a good idea?

Why?

Your feedback is much appreciated....

Horsemanship

As I mentioned a few post s ago

I've decided to apply for a horsemanship course

In a town about thirty minutes from my house

It's a full time course

That lasts 18 months 

I would spend two days a week in a stables

And three days in the classroom

Learning about every aspect of horse riding 

Horse care 

Feeding 

Cleaning 

The works 

So last week

I rang to inquire about the course 

And was speaking to a very helpful lady called Atlanta

She explained more about the course

And also posted me the application forms 

The course is through a centre called the National Learning Network

Who specialise in reintegrating people in to training and work 

I got the application forms during the week

And filled them out carefully

I also have to ask my doctor to fill out the health form too

So I will do that when I see him on Monday

I arranged with Atlanta to call in to the NLN on Thursday morning 

To give her the forms 

And to be shown around and introduced to the staff

So I am looking forward to that 

I have to admit 

I am super duper excited to start this course 

More excited than I have been about anything recently 

My only draw back is the travelling 

The centre is thirty minutes away 

So realistically 

I would need to get a bus in to town 

And a bus home in the evening 

I am waiting on a date for my drift lving test 

And until then 

I need to bus it in and out 

The other thing that is a negative 

Is that I will no longer be able to do my horse therapy on a Wednesday

I will absolutely miss it 

My friends 

Star 

Molly the dog 

Everyone 

One of the guys called Pat

Actually did two weeks of the course I applying for 

He said that you are very much left to your devices on the horses

And there wouldn't be as much support as there is in Keash equestrian centre 

But the thing is 

That Pat has MS

And he would find it much tougher than say someone with no disability 

Eilish wouldn't really comment on my doing the course 

Although she did say that she knew a girl that did this course 

Came off the horse 

And broke her arm in three places 

Not what I wanted to hear 

I did want to hear something positive though

Like I was well able for it 

Or that I was good enough to do it

But maybe she was trying to caution me 

I'm not quite sure 

They say if something excites you and scares you 

You should probably do it 

And I am scared and excited 

I get butterflies in my tummy when I think about it 

In fact 

I can think of nothing else

I know if I do this course 

I will need to keep my strength and energy topped up

Looking after horses is hard work 

And I will need to eat properly 

For stamina 

To keep me capable and able to do the work 

And what better motivation!

So 

Next week 

I will meet Atlanta 

And I think the course sounds like it starts pretty much starts straight away 

Things are moving so fast at the moment 

It's hard to keep up  

I don't know if they are moving too fast 

And maybe I need to slow down and pace myself 

But this is me all over 

Ten steps ahead of myself at any one time 

But I am so looking forward to starting 

I am eager to learn 

Excited to be riding twice a week

To meet new people 

And to  do the thing I love 

Horse riding 

It's going to be pretty tough 

I know that 

Especially coming in to the Winter 

And possible bad weather conditions 

There are going to be landong days for me

But  

I love it so much 

That I am willing to go the extra mile 

Literally 

I think this course will be great for me

And look

I can try it 

And if it doesn't work out

I can always go back to horse therapy 

I have nothing to lose by trying this course 

And everything to gain

I just have a really good feeling about it 

And what it could mean for me

I know I'll never ride in the Olympics 

Or anything like it

I just want to be able to be the best that I can be 

That's all

I want to fulfil my potential 

And anyway 

I don't take it too seriously 

It's all about having fun

And the most important thing is to enjoy it

So please 

Say a wee prayer for me 

And keep your fingers crossed that this works out for me 

I haven't wanted something so bad in a long long time  

And it's great for me 

For my physical health

My mental health 

Horse riding has been a huge part in my recovery 

It gives me a buzz naturally 

It's something to stay well for 

Something to look forward to

If you had told me last year that within a few months I would be starting a horsemanship course 

I would have laughed at you 

It was a dream to work and train with animals

And now that dream is coming true

It's actually happening 

And it feels amazing!!

Anyway 

I will keep you posted 

As ever 

And let you know what is happening over here in my little world 

Have a good weekend 

And she you on the next post x