A is for anxiety...

 For the last few weeks 

I've been struggling with crippling anxiety 

It's effecting everything 

My sleep

My mood 

My eating 

My energy levels 

Pretty much everything 

Mornings are my worst time of the day

I wake up 

Start to get ready for school

Then I start thinking

And get in to an argument with myself 

About whether to go in or not 

I feel a sense of dread 

Of impending doom 

Then I get diarrhoea

And I begin to panic 

This week 

I only went in two days 

The other days I stayed home 

I was annoyed with myself for not going in

And am generally being very hard on myself 

I've spoken to my doctor 

And the only suggestion he made was to get up earlier

???

He just doesn't get it 

He treats the medical issue 

I guess I need to be talking to someone who understands 

Yesterday 

Out of sheer desperation 

I put a call out on Facebook

To ask people for ideas, suggestions 

Anything that might help me get through the day

I had a huge response 

And was blown away by how many people reached out 

A few people who I used to use drugs with contacted me 

They had also experienced addiction and mental health issues 

It just goes to show 

The fallout from drug abuse years later 

If I knew then what I know now 

Life would surely look very differently 

But hey 

It is what it is 

So 

I had to make a decision 

Either continue my course and keep trying 

Or cut my losses 

And walk away from it 

Usually now is when I quit 

When things become tough 

But the stubbornness inside me is stopping me 

It would be easier if I didn't love my course so much 

At least then it would a no brainer

And easier to give up

But because I love it so much 

I want to figure out a way of dealing with this 

One way or another 

And look 

I've come through tougher stuff than this

I am truly blessed though 

To have an amazingly strong family around 

And brilliant friends 

Who continue to have my back.

So no

I'm not giving up 

Not just yet 

My tutor rang me yesterday 

To see how things were 

She told me that one of the girls has been exited from the course 

I guess that is a polite way of saying her ass was kicked off the course 

Because she has missed so much time 

I then panicked that the same would happen to me 

But my tutor assured me that because I had kept in close contact with staff

This other girl wasn't answering her phone 

So I got a doctors cert for this week

And I will start again afresh this Monday 

Day by day 

Step by step 

That's the way I'm going to do it 

No pressure 

No stress 

Done is better than perfect 

This month 

I celebrate one year in my recovery from anorexia and bulimia 

This time last year I made the decision to cyhoose life 

Rather than death 

Because that's what living with an ED is like 

It's a slow and tedious death 

As you literally starve yourself to death 

I am one of the lucky ones 

I made it out relatively unscathed 

I made it out alive!

Not everyone does 

This month last year I final had enough  

And started on this journey that we call recovery 

But it didn't have to be the new year 

That's just the way it happened for me 

Really and truly 

You can start your recovery at any time

And day

Any month 

As long as you choose  it at some point 

Ok friends 

I'm going to leave it at that for today

I posted my Christmas cards today 

So you should get them soon

Take care 

And look after each other

See you on the next post... 

Hanging on

I'm here 

I'm still here 

Even though I've been using Facebook more than blogger recently 

As it's quick and easy

And when I have zero energy after a day in school

I don't feel like writing a whole big spiel 

So 

When I last left you

I had taken some time off school due to a funny tummy caused by anxiety

I really was struggling 

And I took about four days off

I went back this week

Although I missed today due to bad weather and icy conditions

But it's great to be back 

I missed my course 

My school friends 

The horses 

Yesterday I got to ride for the first time in a couple of weeks 

In the morning I was on Blue 

My little white friend 

We are pretty good buddies by this stage 

I spend time grooming him 

Tacking him up

He has a bad habit 

Which is called wind sucking 

Which means he bites on to his feeding trough

Arches his neck 

And sucks in the air

Apparently 

It releases a rush of endorphins 

And the horse gets addicted to it

I was telling my Mam about this yesterday 

And she said

'Ruby, trust you to get one horse who is a drug addict!'

Oh how we laughed 

It is funny though 

I try the distract Blue from the wind sucking 

But he is one determined boy

It's no secret in the yard that Blue is lazy 

He's also very small

And his trot is so neat 

If very slow 

And his canter 

Well when I can get him to canter 

It's just adorable 

He's like a little toy horse 

Yes 

I'm developing a real sense soft spot for Blue 

In the lesson 

Blue was just not feeling it 

He was barely conscious 

Never mind awake 

And he just flat refused to canter for me 

But anyway 

I love him all the same 

In the afternoon 

I was on Bambi 

Who is just a joy 

And beautiful to boot 

Feistier than Blue 

She is pretty from head to tail 

And boy does she know it 

She is a lot more responsive 

So where as with Blue 

I've to give him a good kick to get going 

With Bambi 

She just needs a squeeze 

And a tap of the stick to canter

Yesterday 

In our individual exercise 

We had to canter twice around the arena 

Which meant passing out the rest of the ride 

Blue was so funny 

When he had done one circuit 

He just slotted in behind Nikon

And in front of Jigsaw 

So nearly and perfectly 

I got Bambi to do it though 

Eventually 

I've been getting a lot of support since this anxiety has taken over 

I spoke to my tutor 

I'm seeing Mary again for a few weeks 

And I also have been seeing my school counsellor 

As well as help from my family and friends 

I am truly blessed to have so many good people in my life 

And it just makes life that bit easier 

Anxiety really is a silent assassin 

To the outsider 

It's not detectable 

But in my head 

There is a whirlwind going on

Thoughts and more thoughts 

Thinking and over thinking 

It's relentless negativity 

For me 

It leads to rash and impulsive actions 

Doing things without thinking them through

It also goes hand in hand with insecurity 

Low confidence 

Low self esteem 

And perfectionism 

The bottom line being that I think I'm a bad person 

And just not good enough

One of my tutors has been great 

She is our horsemanship tutor 

So she does horse theory with us on a Wednesday 

And come new out to the stables with us the following couple of days 

She gave me a ring on Tuesday 

To see how I was doing 

I was feeling pretty low 

And she told me some things that really helped 

She said my horse riding was one of the best in the group

And that I am really liked within the group

That I am a positive influence 

I can't tell you the lift it gave me to hear this 

I always felt like the dunce in horse riding 

That I did everything wrong 

I also thought people didn't like me at all

So to hear that I am very much liked is so reassuring 

I'm becoming aware that I need a lot of affirmation 

That I don't trust my own judgement as far as how I'm doing 

I'm sure that's ok

But I need to be able to assure myself 

Without getting it from others 

I'm hoping that doing this course will boost my confidence 

And I will start to see myself in a more positive light 

I mean I'm doing my best 

I really am 

Learning does not come easy to me

And I really need to work on it 

Especially around the theory 

I have an IT exam coming up too

I had the choice to take it before Christmas or after 

I'm think I'm going to take it after 

Just to give myself that extra bit of time 

I've also started studying in the evenings 

Just to go over stuff

And get it in to my head 

I'm feeling a lot better now 

And am optimistic about continuing my course 

I love it

I am in my element learning about horses 

I guess the dream is to own my own pony or horse

That would be in my wildest dreams 

I'm think it's possible 

It could happen 

And this course is perfect for learning all I need to know

I must say 

The course is fantastic 

The tutors 

The way it's run 

The course content 

It's very comprehensive

And gives a great foundation for learning about horses

I love it so much 

In other news 

Christmas is fast approaching 

I usually love it 

But this year in just not feeling it

So far anyway 

It's supposed to be the best time of year 

But of course it doesn't always happen that way 

It can often be a really stressful time 

I know many of my Christmases growing up were ruined by addiction

People drinking too much 

Fights 

Family rows 

Bust ups and breakdowns 

Absolute disasters 

Thankfully 

Our house is an alcohol free zone 

Anyone who comes here knows the score 

I really don't miss drinking 

I don't miss it at all

Especially the hAngovers 

When I drank at my staff party in the summer 

It took me days to recover 

The come down was horrific 

The fear 

The shame about what you did and said the night before 

The stupid things I did that seemed like a good idea at the time 

No 

I enjoy my sobriety far more than that 

It is precious 

Christmas makes me feel very grateful for what I have 

A lovely comfortable house to live in 

A dry clean bed to sleep in 

Clothes on my back

Food in my fridge 

A loving and strong family around me

Two beautiful dogs at my feet 

Who I love beyond words 

Friends that I cherish 

A course that I love 

And a feeling of contentment that I don't think I have felt before 

What is important has changed radically for me this year 

This time last year I was relapsing 

Losing weight 

Not to mention my mind 

Controlling my weight was my priority 

I thought about it morning til night

Now I rarely think about it 

I don't weigh myself 

I have no idea what I weigh 

Android I don't want to know 

My clothes fit 

I feel strong and healthy 

My hair and nails and skin are in good condition 

And even if I did gain a little weight 

It's not the end of the world 

In the scheme of things 

It's not really important 

I don't know what  the turning point for me was 

I guess it was a couple of things 

Feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired 

Just having enough 

Realising that my ED was making me feel utterly miserable 

The fact that my body and mind could take no more 

Then I started horse riding 

And that helped me more than I can ever describe 

For me 

It was so important to fill the hole that my ED left 

With something positive 

And horse riding is that something positive 

Since I started equine assisted therapy back in March 

I'm have fallen in love with everything horsey 

I just can't get enough of it 

I am learning that it is so important to have a raisin d'être 

A reason to get up in the morning 

A purpose 

Something that warms your heart 

Your spirit 

Your soul 

It's amazing to be able to say it 

But I feel happy 

For the first time in my life 

I actually feel happy 

I hope my story will give others hope

I got through six years of drug addiction

And 15 years of disordered eating 

With all sorts of other little addictions along the way 

There is life after these issues 

I am walking talking proof of that 

So whatever you do

Never give up hope 

As long as we are breathing 

There is hope 

Below are some photos of my time during equine assisted therapy...

Time off

As I type this 

I am sitting in the bus station

Waiting for the bus home 

I went in to school this morning 

Just to give the bridal back that I was practising on 

I've decided to take a few days off

As I  am starting to struggle

Anxiety is getting the better of me 

And I'm struggling to get out the door n the morning 

I guess I haven't been looking after myself too well

I haven't been eating properly 

Or taking my meds correctly 

And I'm generally feeling run down and tired

Of course I turned to the one place I know I can go to write and get some much needed advice 

I feel like I have neglected this blog

And you my friends 

I'm sorry for that 

I've just been so busy trying to get through the week 

That at the end of the day I have zero energy left 

I have been using Facebook recently 

It's been fallout of the month 

And I've been very open there 

Maybe too open 

So I'm going to give it a rest for a while 

And just concentrate on getting well

I really don't want to give up my course 

But at the same time 

I need to take care of myself and my mental health 

So I missed yesterday 

And this morning was pretty horrible trying psych myself up to go in

I drive myself in to the bus 

And waited at the bus stop

I was having a fight with myself whether to go in or not 

But I had the bridal to return 

So I got on the bus 

I walked over to school 

And met my class mates 

They were lovely 

And gave me big hugs 

I then spoke to my tutor 

And she said it was fine to take some time off 

She also said she would make an appointment with the school counsellor for me 

I also contacted Mary 

And have an appointment with her next week 

I will also see my doctor 

And my psychiatrist 

I really want to build myself up over the next few days 

And get my strength back 

So I can be fighting fit when I return next week

I just need some me time 

I threw myself in to this course at full speed 

Now it's starting to catch up on me

And I am flagging 

So 

Over the next few days 

I'm going to rest 

Relax 

Recouperate 

Lots of Honey and Lea time 

I also have some work to do at home so I will try to keep up with everyone else 

Of course now I am wondering if I did the right thing taking time off 

And I feel like did I do the right thing?

But I have to trust my gut 

And go with that 

I'm just a bit worried about falling behind  

And missing out 

But look

I have made the decision now 

So I just have to go with it

And trust that I know me best 

And know when I need to slow down 

And cool the jets

I'm also hoping to catch up on you blogs 

And get up to date with what's happening with y'all 

And as for me?

I guess I need to sort a few things out 

Especially how open I am about my issues

As after writing about them on FB

I felt really exposed and vulnerable 

I asked people what they thought about writing such things on such an open forum 

I got a mixed response 

Some said it was a brave thing to do 

Some said it could put me in a very vulnerable position

I am undecided 

But I will give it a rest for a few days

Just to breathe 

And to sort my head out 

That's me 

I'm not perfect 

I never professed to be 

I am flawed 

I have a mind that works faster than I can process the information

I have a wild imagination

Some might call that paranoia 

I've been known to read too much in to things 

And over think until my brain hurts

Edit: I am now back home 

I've been here an hour 

And already I'm bored silly

Now I'm regretting saying I'll take some time off 

And am thinking about going in to tomorrow and Friday 

And taking Monday and Tuesday of for appointments

If I seem a bit all over the place 

It's because I am

I'm restless 

Uneasy 

Anxious 

Where ever I am 

I want to be somewhere else 

I don't know 

I guess I will play it by ear

Watch this space 

I will keep you updated....

Photos from the last couple of weeks..

Bumpy week

Yes 

This week has been bumpy to say the least

I was off Monday and Tuesday with severe bouts of diarrhoea

I went in Wednesday 

And yesterday 

But I had to get off the horse to run to the bathroom

So I really didn't get to ride which was disappointing 

So instead 

I groomed 

And helped out in the yard

Today I am off again

As I have a doctors appointment 

So I'm hoping to get to the bottom of this 

Ha! Pardon the pun!

But seriously 

I do need to get this under control 

I've had diarrhoea since I started the course 

Which is five weeks now 

I was managing it 

But it's got to the point where I'm afraid to do anything 

In case I need the loo

As I said in my last post

I really think it's anxiety 

I was talking with my sisters partner last night 

And she was asking why I am anxious 

After some thought 

I realised that it was because I feel I'm not good enough 

That I am stupid 

And am not able for this course 

I worry about everything 

About falling behind 

Being asked questions and not knowing the answers 

About how I'm doing socially 

Wondering what my weights doing 

Struggling to eat at breaks 

So really and truly there is a lot going on

It's no wonder my body is taking a hit 

And the thing is 

It's a catch 22 situation 

If I go in to my course 

I feel anxious and have diarrhoea 

If I don't go in 

I don't feel anxious 

And I don't have it 

So when I do stay at home 

I feel I should have gone in

But if I go in

I wish I stayed at home

What to do ....

I'm not sure what my doctor is going to do 

But I hope there is a solution that doesn't involve taking a pill

I was wondering if any of you have experience this 

And how did you deal with it?

It's starting to get me down 

And I know the more time I miss 

The more I fall behind 

And the harder it will be to get back in to the swing of things 

Anyway 

I digress 

In other news 

Mam is away for two weeks 

So am trying to keep the house running in some sort of order 

The weather is so bad that I'm not getting out with the dogs as much 

But they come for spins in the car and seem to be happy enough with that 

My Dad is staying with us for a while 

He has improved a bit 

Which is great 

Food wise I'm doing ok

Struggling a bit to eat in school

But I'm eating a dinner in the evenings 

I'm not entirely sure 

But I don't think I've lost weight 

If I have it's not much 

Mood is good 

I feel positive 

Despite the issues I'm having 

But I'm optimistic that there is a solution 

So if you have any suggestions 

I'd love to read them.....

Sick

I'm off school today

And was off yesterday too

Since I started my course four weeks ago

I've been experiencing severe bouts of diarrhoea in the mornings

At first I put it down to my change in routine 

And adjusting to my course 

But recently 

It's been getting worse 

I get like clockwork every morning 

But not for the rest of the day

On Sunday night 

I woke up and threw up a few times

So just to be sure 

I took yesterday off 

I got up this morning 

Planning to go in 

But I had too pretty bad bouts in quick succession 

So I made an executive decision

And decided to stay at home 

I did speak to my doctor last week

And he said to keep an eye on it

And notice when I am getting it

And when I don't 

Over the weekend 

I didn't have any diarrhoea at all

But come Monday morning 

It came back 

I'm starting to think that it might be nerves or anxiety 

I don't actually feel stressed 

But I guess it could be bubbling away under the surface 

Starting this course was a huge step 

And I think it's perfectly natural to feel nerves and anticipation

But I thought four weeks in I would feel a bit more settled 

Of course 

In saying that 

I am still adjusting 

And finding my feet 

But I definitely believe that emotional stresses can cause physical reactions 

I rang my doctor today 

And the receptionist told me that I couldn't be seen 

She said I could go in only if it was an emergency 

I told her I needed a cert for school

But she said that wasn't an emergency 

Nice 

So I'll have to wait until Friday to get a sick cert 

It's nice to have a couple of days off 

But I would much rather be in school 

As I don't want to miss out 

Because I am struggling to keep up as it is 

Apart from that 

I am doing welll

I feel good 

I feel healthy and strong 

Not weak or delicate like I used to

I'm loving my course 

Two new girls started this week

But I haven't met them yet

Which is more anxiety meeting new people 

The girls on my course have been just lovely 

Texting me to check on me

And just being good friends 

I am going to go in to tomorrow regardless 

Because I know the longer I leave it 

The harder it will be to get back in to a routine 

Anyway 

Just a quick post today 

Thanks for reading 

And see you on the next post....

Facebooking from the edge....

I have only recently started using Facebook

I was blissfully ignorant to it for a long time 

I avoided it for a few reasons 

The number one being that I had no life 

And it made me feel really lonely and envious of all the people who seemed to have these fantastic lives

Basically 

If I had a FB account this time last year

All I would be posting is pictures of mountains of food, toilets and vomit 

And let's face it

That is nothing to brag about 

I had nothing positive to report at all

Also 

I simply couldn't handle seeing images and videos of cruelty to animals 

These images stayed lodged in my brain

And I literally couldn't go on knowing about the atrocities that we as humans do to animals 

It's a bit of a tug of war for me

I don't want to know these things 

Yet at the same time I want to be aware of what is going on

Take this morning for example 

I scrolled through my news feed 

And stumbled upon an article about animals being skinned alive in India and China 

To make out leather goods 

I broke down after reading the article 

I utterly despaired 

And did not want to be part of the human race if this is what we do to creatures that show nothing but loyalty and unconditional love 

I just don't understand it 

I really don't 

After the tears subside 

The anger sets in

And the absolute need to do something about 

I signed a petition 

I shared it on Facebook

And wrote a post about my feelings 

But it doesn't feel like enough 

I've been thinking about becoming vegetarian for a while now 

And now knowing where most of our leather comes from 

I'm even considering vegan ism 

The only thing is 

That I don't know the first thing about it 

I don't know how to cook vegan food 

I'm not even sure which foods are vegan

I just want to do something 

Even if it's in my own small way 

After this 

I went in to the kitchen 

And sat on the floor with Honey and Lea

I hugged them tightly 

And thanked my lucky stars that I am able to give two dogs a good and loving home 

Anyway 

Look 

I could write for days about this 

But I'll stop here as I just have no more tears 

In other news

Today is Friday 

And I usually have a half day today 

But today I am off sick with some sort of bug 

I've had diarrhoea for about two weeks now 

And I just feel so tired and weak

It's nice to have a day off though 

Even if I don't feel all that well

So I now have a month done of my course 

Some things are getting easier 

But I must admit

I do struggle to retain information

Thank you 12 years of drug abuse

For my brain like a sieve 

For low self esteem and confidence 

For an inherent inability to like myself 

Or to believe in myself 

For putting me through hell

And not forgetting anorexia and bulimia 

For my weak body 

A malfunctioning body

And for any lack of life skills 

Oh yes

They have treated me well

So because of all this 

More often than not 

I feel like the class dunce 

I always seem to be asked the question I don't know the answer to 

And never the one I do know the answer to

Yesterday I walked away from my stable and left the door open!

Our tutor shouted at me from across the yard 

And I felt so embarrassed 

But 

I'll never make that mistake again 

That's for sure

I struggle with the equipment 

I forget the names of things 

During our riding lesson

Our tutor had us take our feet out of our stirrups 

Asked us questions 

And we could only get our stirrups back when when answered our question correctly 

I had to do two laps of the arena like this 

And boy did I feel stupid 

On a positive note 

I am now cantering 

And not by accident 

Yesterday morning I was on a beautiful dun mare called Bambino

What a beauty 

I think she has been my favourite so far 

She was lovely and forward to ride 

Responded with little effort from me

Just a joy to ride

I was surprised when our tutor told me to canter 

As if had no instruction

It was just out of the blue 'Canter at the next corner'

I kicked on Bambi

Sat in to the saddle 

Leg behind the girth

And the sprang in to a canter 

Such a rush 

A definite improvement on my day

I only have a couple of photos this week

Below is Arnie having a rest 

And me chillin' with Bambi.....