The rain has finally let up so I had two very happy doggies this morning who got a walk at long last.
When I'm on the computer in the morning they look at me as if to say 'what the hell are you doing? Don't you know we want to go walkies? Get off that damn thing!'
I'm considering writing a post on a walk from their point of view, sniffing stuff, chasing sheep, peeing in other peoples gardens, all that good stuff.
Anyway, I'm heading in to town today for 'shopping for the dress for Italy take 2'
I'm really considering buying the lemon yellow dress I described a few posts ago, it has really grown on me and it would be perfect for Italy. Plus it means I won't have to go from shop to shop today looking for something else when I'll probably end up buying this dress anyway. I say buy but I can only afford to put a deposit on it this week but that's ok.
Old friends seem to be popping out of the woodwork this last couple of days.
Yesterday evening I got a text from a girl I haven't heard from in a few months. We used to be really close.
We both have drug/alcohol addictions as well as eating disorders so we have a lot in common.
From my point of view it was not always a healthy relationship as I was somewhat competitive and always tried to weigh less than her. She was the only person I disclosed my weight to.
So she's been having a tough time and has had a few slips with alcohol but now she's attending meetings and has a sponsor so she's doing better than I am.
By coincidence she is also seeing Mary for her eating.
We were texting back and forth and I just knew from the tone that we were dying to know each others weight.
Eventually she asked me what my BMI was when I started seeing Mary and what it is now.
I had no problem telling her and she texted me back her weight. She weighs half a stone less but is also shorter than me so I guess that means she weighs a bit less than me.
This triggers me to no end.
We hope to meet up next week and I know I've gained since the last time time she saw me.
Yes I needed to but that doesn't make it any easier.
I know, this must all sound very unhealthy and I hate this competitive side to me although I know it's part of my eating disorder.
Part of me wants to put off meeting her until I've lost some but I know that is utterly ridiculous.
I shouldn't let something as petty as weight come between our friendship.
Rationally I know she wants to meet up because she wants to be friends again. Just because I've gained a little weight doesn't change me as a person, it doesn't mean I am any less than her.
Irrationally I'm thinking that she will think I'm a disgusting fat pig and a sorry excuse for an anorexic.
This is crazy talking, she is my friend, she won't measure my worth by how much I weigh.
So why do I?
I had fasted all day yesterday but then anxiety got the better of me and I binged and purged 3 times.
I guess 2 days b/p free was too much to ask of the bitch that is bulimia.
I probably should explain what I consider a binge and tell you what I ate.
First I had 5 crackers with spread. Purge.
Bacon sandwich. Purge.
Frozen meal. Purge.
These are not technically binges but any food in my stomach feels like a binge.
Food feels wrong and that's not good. Food is just food.
To finish on a positive note, I am 3 days shoplifting free.
A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
Ok, must dash and get this dress shopping over with.
Thanks for reading this and much love to you xxx
Saturday, 9 June 2012
Friday, 8 June 2012
Trip down memory lane
The weather here is crazy today,
It's supposed to be summer but it feels more like a winters day with rain, wind and the mountains are shrouded in mist. No walkies today so I have two very cabin feverish dogs running around my kitchen.
I got a text this morning from a girl I was in treatment with. I haven't heard from her in ages and we were never that close but I guess when you go through an experience like inpatient treatment together you have that bond forever. Those girls saw me at my very worst.
So we texted back and forth and she told me that she has put on loads of weight and is finding it hard to deal with. In treatment this girl was one of worst cases I have ever seen. She was anorexic and came into hospital very sick and at a scarily low weight. When I went in she had already been there 8 months and was preparing to go home. This girl was depressed a lot of the time and very needy of the nurses and our doctor.
The other girls felt she was attention seeking a lot of the time and called it 'the - show'
I mostly felt sorry for her as she was obviously in a lot of pain.
She eventually left inpatient but continued to attend as a day patient. Everyday she would come in with self harm wounds and didn't seem to handling being home all that well. I suppose to go from having 24 hour support to being home was a big transition. I know some of the other girls went to the nurse manager about her attention seeking but I mostly stayed out of it.
The last time I saw her she had put on a lot of weight and told me she had mover from restricting to binging and purging. I think this happens to a lot of anorexics and I know it happened to me too.
I mostly remember this girl keeping to herself but I do remember that every now and then I would see her wicked sense of humour because she was very sarcastic and I love sarcasm.
It was lovely to hear from her, I often wonder how the girls from there are doing. I hear from some of them but you can only say so much in a text.
Treatment is such a unique experience, we saw each other the day we came it beaten and bruised from our eating disorders, then all the highs and lows along the way and finally leaving a different person inside and out.
I'll never forget those girls and have a place in my heart for each of them.
Then when I came home from shopping I turned on the radio and heard a song I have not heard in years.
It's funny how a song can bring you right back in time. It reminded me of when I first started going to nightclubs at age 15. Me and my best friend used to sneak out and head for the dance club in town.
It had a terrible reputation for drugs but that just made it even more attractive to me. My mother called it a 'den of iniquity'. It was in this club that I took exstacy for the first time and got up to all kinds of mischief.
Ah the memories.
I was supposed to be seeing Mary today but I just couldn't face it so I cancelled. She then phoned me to say that she would've cancelled anyway because the weather is so bad.
I asked her had she told my doctor about me abusing my meds and she said she had.
I would've liked the opportunity to tell him myself but I know she has to cover her ass.
So he now knows. I'm not looking forward to my appointment with him on Monday, in fact I'm dreading it but I know it's the right thing to do and I really am trying to do the right thing.
Yesterday was a good day. I didn't binge or purge at all. I can't remember the last time I had a day binge/purge free. Also I didn't shoplift and paid for all my items like a normal person so that makes me feel good, doing the right thing also gives me piece of mind. The lovely Peridot commented that I don't want my photo put up in shop staffrooms all over town and she is right, that would be beyond mortifying and is another deterrent so thank you Peridot.
It's a day for cuddling up on the couch with a blazing fire so that's what I'm off to do.
Thanks for reading this and much love to you xxx
It's supposed to be summer but it feels more like a winters day with rain, wind and the mountains are shrouded in mist. No walkies today so I have two very cabin feverish dogs running around my kitchen.
I got a text this morning from a girl I was in treatment with. I haven't heard from her in ages and we were never that close but I guess when you go through an experience like inpatient treatment together you have that bond forever. Those girls saw me at my very worst.
So we texted back and forth and she told me that she has put on loads of weight and is finding it hard to deal with. In treatment this girl was one of worst cases I have ever seen. She was anorexic and came into hospital very sick and at a scarily low weight. When I went in she had already been there 8 months and was preparing to go home. This girl was depressed a lot of the time and very needy of the nurses and our doctor.
The other girls felt she was attention seeking a lot of the time and called it 'the - show'
I mostly felt sorry for her as she was obviously in a lot of pain.
She eventually left inpatient but continued to attend as a day patient. Everyday she would come in with self harm wounds and didn't seem to handling being home all that well. I suppose to go from having 24 hour support to being home was a big transition. I know some of the other girls went to the nurse manager about her attention seeking but I mostly stayed out of it.
The last time I saw her she had put on a lot of weight and told me she had mover from restricting to binging and purging. I think this happens to a lot of anorexics and I know it happened to me too.
I mostly remember this girl keeping to herself but I do remember that every now and then I would see her wicked sense of humour because she was very sarcastic and I love sarcasm.
It was lovely to hear from her, I often wonder how the girls from there are doing. I hear from some of them but you can only say so much in a text.
Treatment is such a unique experience, we saw each other the day we came it beaten and bruised from our eating disorders, then all the highs and lows along the way and finally leaving a different person inside and out.
I'll never forget those girls and have a place in my heart for each of them.
Then when I came home from shopping I turned on the radio and heard a song I have not heard in years.
It's funny how a song can bring you right back in time. It reminded me of when I first started going to nightclubs at age 15. Me and my best friend used to sneak out and head for the dance club in town.
It had a terrible reputation for drugs but that just made it even more attractive to me. My mother called it a 'den of iniquity'. It was in this club that I took exstacy for the first time and got up to all kinds of mischief.
Ah the memories.
I was supposed to be seeing Mary today but I just couldn't face it so I cancelled. She then phoned me to say that she would've cancelled anyway because the weather is so bad.
I asked her had she told my doctor about me abusing my meds and she said she had.
I would've liked the opportunity to tell him myself but I know she has to cover her ass.
So he now knows. I'm not looking forward to my appointment with him on Monday, in fact I'm dreading it but I know it's the right thing to do and I really am trying to do the right thing.
Yesterday was a good day. I didn't binge or purge at all. I can't remember the last time I had a day binge/purge free. Also I didn't shoplift and paid for all my items like a normal person so that makes me feel good, doing the right thing also gives me piece of mind. The lovely Peridot commented that I don't want my photo put up in shop staffrooms all over town and she is right, that would be beyond mortifying and is another deterrent so thank you Peridot.
It's a day for cuddling up on the couch with a blazing fire so that's what I'm off to do.
Thanks for reading this and much love to you xxx
Thursday, 7 June 2012
As sick as our secrets
Hey guys,
I hope you're well today,
I'm kind of reeling today after my session with Mary yesterday.
I was so nervous going in to see her that I even considered cancelling the appointment.
But I sucked it up and decided to take some responsibility for once in my life. The first question she always asks me is 'So how have you been?'
I explained that it had been a tough week and firstly about the laxatives. She looked concerned and told me about the adverse effects of laxative abuse. I nodded that I understood but didn't tell that it meant nothing to me if they ravaged my body. I wish I card more but I don't.
I knew that if I put it off any longer that I wouldn't go through with it but it was so hard to find the words.
Eventually I got it out and said 'There's something else I've been doing that I haven't told you about, I've been shoplifting food and other items' I braced myself for a look of horror but she just took a moment and then said 'ok'. I explained how it hard started when I was using drugs and I had just never stopped.
She told I would get caught, no two ways about it.
She told me that the shops I lift from may already know what I'm doing and could be gathering evidence until they are 100% sure. She said the shops will know exactly what items are going missing when they are stocktaking so that would also give me away.
This absolutely terrified me, to think that they may already know. I live in a small town so the word would spread like wildfire. On a good note it has scared me enough to make me stop. I was starting to feel invincible. that I would never get caught. This information changes everything. The thought of getting caught now terrifies me enough not to do it. In the end I was glad I told her. Holding all to all these secrets is draining, having to look over my shoulder all the time. I want to be able to sleep at night knowing I did the right thing today.
She then asked me how I was getting on with my meds. I told her I had overused one day.
She then explained that because this behaviour could harm me that she would have to tell my doctor and my psychiatrist. I had a feeing she was going to say this. I asked her for the option of telling my doctor myself on Monday. She agreed to this but said if she saw him before that, which see probably would, that she would have to tell him. I felt heartbroken because I know my doctor will be disappointed in me. He thinks I'm doing so well. I know she's doing this to help me but that doesn't make it any easier at the moment.
I get a weeks supply of meds so they will probably change this to picking it up every second day.
This is a pain in the ass but I understand why they need to do this. My mother will be happy about this so that makes me happy.
So that's it, all my dirty little secrets are out.
I do feel relieved, no more lying. no more stealing no more feeling guilty.
After seeing Mary I went to a shop that I normally lift from. The fear was there so I bought and paid for all my items. I guess it's a healthy fear so that's good.
I came home and I could just feel a binge coming on.
I had all these feelings flying around and I didn't know what to do with myself.
By the end of the day I had binged and purged 10-12 times. I haven't had a day that bad in a while and I was exhausted afterwards.
Today is a new day. A lot of the time I keep binge food in the house and this has to stop. I really need a break from it, it's doing my head in. I have my food planned for the day and I intend to stick to it.
Thanks for reading this and for your support,
Much love to you xxx
I hope you're well today,
I'm kind of reeling today after my session with Mary yesterday.
I was so nervous going in to see her that I even considered cancelling the appointment.
But I sucked it up and decided to take some responsibility for once in my life. The first question she always asks me is 'So how have you been?'
I explained that it had been a tough week and firstly about the laxatives. She looked concerned and told me about the adverse effects of laxative abuse. I nodded that I understood but didn't tell that it meant nothing to me if they ravaged my body. I wish I card more but I don't.
I knew that if I put it off any longer that I wouldn't go through with it but it was so hard to find the words.
Eventually I got it out and said 'There's something else I've been doing that I haven't told you about, I've been shoplifting food and other items' I braced myself for a look of horror but she just took a moment and then said 'ok'. I explained how it hard started when I was using drugs and I had just never stopped.
She told I would get caught, no two ways about it.
She told me that the shops I lift from may already know what I'm doing and could be gathering evidence until they are 100% sure. She said the shops will know exactly what items are going missing when they are stocktaking so that would also give me away.
This absolutely terrified me, to think that they may already know. I live in a small town so the word would spread like wildfire. On a good note it has scared me enough to make me stop. I was starting to feel invincible. that I would never get caught. This information changes everything. The thought of getting caught now terrifies me enough not to do it. In the end I was glad I told her. Holding all to all these secrets is draining, having to look over my shoulder all the time. I want to be able to sleep at night knowing I did the right thing today.
She then asked me how I was getting on with my meds. I told her I had overused one day.
She then explained that because this behaviour could harm me that she would have to tell my doctor and my psychiatrist. I had a feeing she was going to say this. I asked her for the option of telling my doctor myself on Monday. She agreed to this but said if she saw him before that, which see probably would, that she would have to tell him. I felt heartbroken because I know my doctor will be disappointed in me. He thinks I'm doing so well. I know she's doing this to help me but that doesn't make it any easier at the moment.
I get a weeks supply of meds so they will probably change this to picking it up every second day.
This is a pain in the ass but I understand why they need to do this. My mother will be happy about this so that makes me happy.
So that's it, all my dirty little secrets are out.
I do feel relieved, no more lying. no more stealing no more feeling guilty.
After seeing Mary I went to a shop that I normally lift from. The fear was there so I bought and paid for all my items. I guess it's a healthy fear so that's good.
I came home and I could just feel a binge coming on.
I had all these feelings flying around and I didn't know what to do with myself.
By the end of the day I had binged and purged 10-12 times. I haven't had a day that bad in a while and I was exhausted afterwards.
Today is a new day. A lot of the time I keep binge food in the house and this has to stop. I really need a break from it, it's doing my head in. I have my food planned for the day and I intend to stick to it.
Thanks for reading this and for your support,
Much love to you xxx
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Suck it up Ruby
Good morning lovely ladies,
I hope this post finds you happy and healthy.
I woke up this morning late, I always sleep late after taking too much meds. I was sitting having a cup or tea and a cigarette when I put my hand to my hair. I felt something sticky and crumbly and when I looked in the mirror I saw chocolate matted in to my hair.I must've fallen asleep on a chocolate bar. This is just one example of things that happen when I take too much meds. Very classy Ruby. And yet I never learn my lesson and no doubt I will take my meds in the same way again today.
Speaking of today, I'm seeing Mary in a couple of hours. I've decided to pull up my big girl pants and confess to her about the shoplifting. I have to do it and I know she won't judge me but that doesn't make it any easier.
I'm sure she will have dealt with this kind of thing before and will have some advice for me.
I'll let you know how I get on.
As I was walking my dogs in the woods this morning I felt an overwhelming sense of relief to be away from my heroin addicted days. I know I am still reliant on methadone and meds but that is nothing compared to heroin addiction. I thought about my first time in drug treatment and thought I would share it with you.
I wrote recently about the opiate blocker implant I got in London and soon after that I travelled to Dublin to attend treatment. It was September and I was just about to turn 23. I had really no interest in going to treatment but I needed time away from drugs and I also did it for my family. I was about 84lbs but I had no idea that I had an eating disorder as well as a drug addiction. I was the only girl for the first couple of days but then a girl called Anna came in. We soon became partners in crime. She had an eating disorder too and I saw a lot of myself in her. She actually helped me to admit to my food issues and I am forever grateful for that.
Our friendship wasn't always healthy though and she soon started to smuggle in hash to the treatment centre.
I had never been much of a hash smoker but I smoked with her out the window of her bedroom. We also abused aerosol cans. I remember one night inhaling a can in my room, I was smoking a cigarette when I passed out. When I woke up the cigarette wass burning a hole in my cheek.
We continued to use until we were eventually caught. We weren't kicked out but Anna soon left after that.
Because of the aerosol cans aerosols were banned in the centre after that and everyone had to use roll ons.
After Anna left I started to settle down and got stuck in to the programme. They helped me a lot with my food and weight gain and I made good progress.
Things started to change when a couple of lads my own age came in. I wrote before how I started to see one of these lads after I left treatment. I started getting in trouble again and stopped talking so much in group as I didn't want these lads to think less of me. My key worker tried to get me to see sense and engage in the programme again but I was falling for this boy and all I wanted to do was impress him.
As I wrote before there was a lot of midnight meetings in the centre, people hooking up. I however never did this. After 6 months my time was coming to an end, I still had a lot of work to do so I went straight to another treatment centre on a farm. It was supposed to be for a year but I only lasted a month.
On returning home I hooked up with that boy and promptly relapsed.
That was my first treatment admission.
I must dash so I won't be late for Mary, wish me luck,
Much love to you xxx
I hope this post finds you happy and healthy.
I woke up this morning late, I always sleep late after taking too much meds. I was sitting having a cup or tea and a cigarette when I put my hand to my hair. I felt something sticky and crumbly and when I looked in the mirror I saw chocolate matted in to my hair.I must've fallen asleep on a chocolate bar. This is just one example of things that happen when I take too much meds. Very classy Ruby. And yet I never learn my lesson and no doubt I will take my meds in the same way again today.
Speaking of today, I'm seeing Mary in a couple of hours. I've decided to pull up my big girl pants and confess to her about the shoplifting. I have to do it and I know she won't judge me but that doesn't make it any easier.
I'm sure she will have dealt with this kind of thing before and will have some advice for me.
I'll let you know how I get on.
As I was walking my dogs in the woods this morning I felt an overwhelming sense of relief to be away from my heroin addicted days. I know I am still reliant on methadone and meds but that is nothing compared to heroin addiction. I thought about my first time in drug treatment and thought I would share it with you.
I wrote recently about the opiate blocker implant I got in London and soon after that I travelled to Dublin to attend treatment. It was September and I was just about to turn 23. I had really no interest in going to treatment but I needed time away from drugs and I also did it for my family. I was about 84lbs but I had no idea that I had an eating disorder as well as a drug addiction. I was the only girl for the first couple of days but then a girl called Anna came in. We soon became partners in crime. She had an eating disorder too and I saw a lot of myself in her. She actually helped me to admit to my food issues and I am forever grateful for that.
Our friendship wasn't always healthy though and she soon started to smuggle in hash to the treatment centre.
I had never been much of a hash smoker but I smoked with her out the window of her bedroom. We also abused aerosol cans. I remember one night inhaling a can in my room, I was smoking a cigarette when I passed out. When I woke up the cigarette wass burning a hole in my cheek.
We continued to use until we were eventually caught. We weren't kicked out but Anna soon left after that.
Because of the aerosol cans aerosols were banned in the centre after that and everyone had to use roll ons.
After Anna left I started to settle down and got stuck in to the programme. They helped me a lot with my food and weight gain and I made good progress.
Things started to change when a couple of lads my own age came in. I wrote before how I started to see one of these lads after I left treatment. I started getting in trouble again and stopped talking so much in group as I didn't want these lads to think less of me. My key worker tried to get me to see sense and engage in the programme again but I was falling for this boy and all I wanted to do was impress him.
As I wrote before there was a lot of midnight meetings in the centre, people hooking up. I however never did this. After 6 months my time was coming to an end, I still had a lot of work to do so I went straight to another treatment centre on a farm. It was supposed to be for a year but I only lasted a month.
On returning home I hooked up with that boy and promptly relapsed.
That was my first treatment admission.
I must dash so I won't be late for Mary, wish me luck,
Much love to you xxx
Tuesday, 5 June 2012
Weird huh?
Good morning my dears,
I hope this post finds you well today.
The dreaded withdrawels did not happen as bad as I feared. I experienced some discomfort but nothing I couldn't handle, my nose was running like a tap and my eyes were streaming but I managed to get some sleep so I am grateful for that. I remember the last time that I went into withdrawel. I was visiting my sister in Australia for a month and had a months worth of methadone with me. I binged on it the first week I was there and left myself so short that I only had enough left to take it every second day. The flight home was a nightmare. I was I in physical pain and mental torture and thought I would never get home,thank God it was nowhere nearly as bad this time.
Usual Tuesday morning routine for me today, doctors appointment first thing, then the chemist, then walked my dogs. My doctor is the nicest man but we rarely talk about anything medical. Today we talked about the Jubilee and he briefly asked me how therapy is going. I suppose I see him so often that we end up talking about other things like books or films. Is that weird?
I walked my dogs in the chilly morning drizzle and I listened to the radio. The radio is a lifeline for me, I listen to phone in/chat shows and it helps to quiet my racing mind and take me out of my own head. I used to listen to a show called 'The Gerry Ryan Show' and I loved it. It was at a time when I was drug addicted and deeply depressed. I'm more of a listener than a talker and I find it relaxing to listen to others talking without having to speak myself. So this show got me through the morning and by the time it was over at 12pm I always felt a little better. Gerry died suddenly 2 years ago and I was devastated, He was so funny and full of life that I couldn't quite believe it. He died of heart failure and it then came out that he was abusing cocaine, I had heard this but I didn't want to believe it. He left behind 6 children. I didn't know what to do so I wrote his wife letter to tell her how much he had helped me during a very dark time in my life. The show that replaced him is not nearly as good and I still miss him. I suppose it was an unlikely place to get help. Does anything out of the ordinary help you?
Another invaluable source of support are my 2 dogs. I've had them for 7 years and cannot imagine life without them. Again they take me away from myself and help calm the committee in my head. When I cannot find a reason to get out of bed I have to get up for them. When I don't want to leave my house I have to get out to walk them. There would be something very wrong if I stopped taking care of my dogs. They are such good company and give unconditional love. I remember seeing a t-shirt once with the slogan 'I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am'. So true.
My weight was down this morning, only slightly but enough to make me smile.
I'm very aware that my food habits get stranger and stranger. I've noticed that I only eat foods that I find easy to purge and if I know I can't purge then I don't eat. The only place I feel comfortable eating is at home. I also seem to be developing weird habit with my utensils. I will only eat with certain knives and forks and also only use certain cups, plates and bowls. It's more than a bit OCD and I'm not sure of the reason for this. Have any of you experienced this
I know that I promised my mother that I wouldn't but I took double my methadone and anxiety meds this morning. She is away until Thursday and I figured what she won't know won't hurt her. Gut it is still wrong and I feel guilty already. I do it to sleep the day away and get a break from my eating disorder. I crave escape and oblivion and sleep is a sweet release. I will be honest tomorrow and tell Mary, she might be able to give me some advice. I also gave in to another temptation this morning and shoplifted 2 packets of twix.
Again I feel incredibly guilty about this but nor enough to make me stop. I'm not even sure why I do this, yes money is tight but that is not the real reason. Getting caught does not bare thinking about but I know it is inevitable. That would shame me to no end but still I do it. It's hard to admit to this behaviour but I have to be accountable somewhere. Any suggestions on this matter would be gratefully received.
I hope you all have a lovely day and much love to you all,
Until tomorrow xxx
I hope this post finds you well today.
The dreaded withdrawels did not happen as bad as I feared. I experienced some discomfort but nothing I couldn't handle, my nose was running like a tap and my eyes were streaming but I managed to get some sleep so I am grateful for that. I remember the last time that I went into withdrawel. I was visiting my sister in Australia for a month and had a months worth of methadone with me. I binged on it the first week I was there and left myself so short that I only had enough left to take it every second day. The flight home was a nightmare. I was I in physical pain and mental torture and thought I would never get home,thank God it was nowhere nearly as bad this time.
Usual Tuesday morning routine for me today, doctors appointment first thing, then the chemist, then walked my dogs. My doctor is the nicest man but we rarely talk about anything medical. Today we talked about the Jubilee and he briefly asked me how therapy is going. I suppose I see him so often that we end up talking about other things like books or films. Is that weird?
I walked my dogs in the chilly morning drizzle and I listened to the radio. The radio is a lifeline for me, I listen to phone in/chat shows and it helps to quiet my racing mind and take me out of my own head. I used to listen to a show called 'The Gerry Ryan Show' and I loved it. It was at a time when I was drug addicted and deeply depressed. I'm more of a listener than a talker and I find it relaxing to listen to others talking without having to speak myself. So this show got me through the morning and by the time it was over at 12pm I always felt a little better. Gerry died suddenly 2 years ago and I was devastated, He was so funny and full of life that I couldn't quite believe it. He died of heart failure and it then came out that he was abusing cocaine, I had heard this but I didn't want to believe it. He left behind 6 children. I didn't know what to do so I wrote his wife letter to tell her how much he had helped me during a very dark time in my life. The show that replaced him is not nearly as good and I still miss him. I suppose it was an unlikely place to get help. Does anything out of the ordinary help you?
Another invaluable source of support are my 2 dogs. I've had them for 7 years and cannot imagine life without them. Again they take me away from myself and help calm the committee in my head. When I cannot find a reason to get out of bed I have to get up for them. When I don't want to leave my house I have to get out to walk them. There would be something very wrong if I stopped taking care of my dogs. They are such good company and give unconditional love. I remember seeing a t-shirt once with the slogan 'I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am'. So true.
My weight was down this morning, only slightly but enough to make me smile.
I'm very aware that my food habits get stranger and stranger. I've noticed that I only eat foods that I find easy to purge and if I know I can't purge then I don't eat. The only place I feel comfortable eating is at home. I also seem to be developing weird habit with my utensils. I will only eat with certain knives and forks and also only use certain cups, plates and bowls. It's more than a bit OCD and I'm not sure of the reason for this. Have any of you experienced this
I know that I promised my mother that I wouldn't but I took double my methadone and anxiety meds this morning. She is away until Thursday and I figured what she won't know won't hurt her. Gut it is still wrong and I feel guilty already. I do it to sleep the day away and get a break from my eating disorder. I crave escape and oblivion and sleep is a sweet release. I will be honest tomorrow and tell Mary, she might be able to give me some advice. I also gave in to another temptation this morning and shoplifted 2 packets of twix.
Again I feel incredibly guilty about this but nor enough to make me stop. I'm not even sure why I do this, yes money is tight but that is not the real reason. Getting caught does not bare thinking about but I know it is inevitable. That would shame me to no end but still I do it. It's hard to admit to this behaviour but I have to be accountable somewhere. Any suggestions on this matter would be gratefully received.
I hope you all have a lovely day and much love to you all,
Until tomorrow xxx
Monday, 4 June 2012
Glutton for punishment
Good morning lovelies,
I hope you are enjoying the this long and lazy weekend and that all you Brits had a good Jubilee weekend.
I seem to have lost the ability to type this morning, everytime I read back a sentence it is complete gibberish.
Anyway I'll press on.
I went to the shop and walked my dogs with my pyjamas under my clothes, a reflection of my state of mind today but it was early and I think I got away with it.
Even after my horrid experience with laxatives on Saturday I binged on them again yesterday. I am the very definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Why did I do this? I know better, I know they are a waste of time and just leave me feeling sick. bloated and regretful. The bloating remains today.
Also I made a very stupid mistake and miscalculated my methadone doses for the week. I forgot to take into account the bank holiday and add that to my indulging on Monday and I have left myself 2 days short. Not clever and not good. I fear I will go into withdrawel.
I must make it clear that I do not get high or get any sort of buzzy feeling off methadone, it simply keeps the withdrawels at bay and keeps me feeling 'normal'. Withdrawel from methadone is not pretty, some say it is even worse than heroin withdrawel. I've not experienced withdrawel in a long time but I have not forgotten how
painful it is. A time that springs to mind was one week that I visited my grandad with my mother. I had brought drugs with me but I was always greedy and used them all two days before we left. I spent the last night up all night in horrific pain. I could almost handle physical pain or mental torture on their own but both together and that is just to much to bear. Physical symptoms include alternate cold chills and hot sweats, painful stomach and muscle cramps, vomiting, diarrhoea not to mention insomnia many more delights. That night was endless and I felt like I was dying, like my body was turning inside out. You would think this would've turned me off drugs but it just made me crave them even more.
I must add that it probably won't get this bad as methadone stays in the system longer than heroin so I might just get away with a sleepless night and some discomfort (I just typed uncomfort). Here's hoping!
Tomorrow is the start of a new week and a fresh start. I plan to listen to my body and not deny myself.
I plan to walk my dogs twice a day now that the evenings are long and warm.
I want to want recovery more than anything, I promise I do. Maybe I should take heed from my ex-sponsor and fake it til I make it.
I wish I wanted more for myself
I wish I could overcome my anxieties and fears
I wish I could find the courage to go back to my support group
I wish I wanted recovery
I wish you did too
I wish I didn't value measure my worth by how much I weigh
I wish, I wish I wish...........
I watched The Time Travellers Wife last night, it made me cry. I wish that someday I find a love like Clare and Henry.
I hope you have a lovely, lazy bank holiday Monday,
Thanks for reading and much love to you,
Until tomorrow xxx
I hope you are enjoying the this long and lazy weekend and that all you Brits had a good Jubilee weekend.
I seem to have lost the ability to type this morning, everytime I read back a sentence it is complete gibberish.
Anyway I'll press on.
I went to the shop and walked my dogs with my pyjamas under my clothes, a reflection of my state of mind today but it was early and I think I got away with it.
Even after my horrid experience with laxatives on Saturday I binged on them again yesterday. I am the very definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Why did I do this? I know better, I know they are a waste of time and just leave me feeling sick. bloated and regretful. The bloating remains today.
Also I made a very stupid mistake and miscalculated my methadone doses for the week. I forgot to take into account the bank holiday and add that to my indulging on Monday and I have left myself 2 days short. Not clever and not good. I fear I will go into withdrawel.
I must make it clear that I do not get high or get any sort of buzzy feeling off methadone, it simply keeps the withdrawels at bay and keeps me feeling 'normal'. Withdrawel from methadone is not pretty, some say it is even worse than heroin withdrawel. I've not experienced withdrawel in a long time but I have not forgotten how
painful it is. A time that springs to mind was one week that I visited my grandad with my mother. I had brought drugs with me but I was always greedy and used them all two days before we left. I spent the last night up all night in horrific pain. I could almost handle physical pain or mental torture on their own but both together and that is just to much to bear. Physical symptoms include alternate cold chills and hot sweats, painful stomach and muscle cramps, vomiting, diarrhoea not to mention insomnia many more delights. That night was endless and I felt like I was dying, like my body was turning inside out. You would think this would've turned me off drugs but it just made me crave them even more.
I must add that it probably won't get this bad as methadone stays in the system longer than heroin so I might just get away with a sleepless night and some discomfort (I just typed uncomfort). Here's hoping!
Tomorrow is the start of a new week and a fresh start. I plan to listen to my body and not deny myself.
I plan to walk my dogs twice a day now that the evenings are long and warm.
I want to want recovery more than anything, I promise I do. Maybe I should take heed from my ex-sponsor and fake it til I make it.
I wish I wanted more for myself
I wish I could overcome my anxieties and fears
I wish I could find the courage to go back to my support group
I wish I wanted recovery
I wish you did too
I wish I didn't value measure my worth by how much I weigh
I wish, I wish I wish...........
I watched The Time Travellers Wife last night, it made me cry. I wish that someday I find a love like Clare and Henry.
I hope you have a lovely, lazy bank holiday Monday,
Thanks for reading and much love to you,
Until tomorrow xxx
Sunday, 3 June 2012
All in the best possible taste
Good afternoon lovely ladies,
I hope you are enjoying your Sunday
I spent part of yesterday looking for a dress for the upcoming wedding. As I wrote last post I'm not the biggest fan of shopping but I sucked it up and got in hunting mode.
I tend to fly through the shops at lightning speed only stopping if something catches my eye. I went to all the usual suspects and a dress did catch my eye in Monsoon. It was lemon yellow, which would be perfect for Italy and it was pleated, very pretty. I tried it on and it was nice but it just didn't give me that feeling of I never want to take this dress off and I want to feel like that.
In the end I finished up empty handed and somewhat disappointed but I still have 2 months to find something.
So we changed tack and went to look for shoes and a bag for my mother. She found them super quick so at least that was a success.
I wanted to treat my mother to lunch so we went a pub where they serve great food. I wasn't planning on eating but when I saw the menu I was completely overwhelmed. Carrot and orange soup with homemade soda bread, cajun chicken salad, steak sandwhich on ciabatta, homemade apple crumble, banoffe pie, freash apple sponge.
The waiters whizzed past me with plates of delicious food and in the end I had the soup which was so filling.
My mother had the banoffee pie which was the size of a house brick.
I purged in the restroom which I hate doing but I was fit to burst. It's so messy in restaurant bathrooms and when I came out of the stall there were two people waiting. I didn't care if they heard.
I left my mother then and I took a notion and decided to buy laxatives. A good clean out was in order.
They didn't have my usual brand so I bought the next best thing, a 300ml bottle.
It said to take 15ml so I took 150ml. I don't know why but I always take more than the recommended dose of any medication.
I drove home listening to Lana del Rey, singing at the top of my lungs, I'm a shocking singer.
I waited for the laxatives to work their magic and a few hours later my stomach started to churn and turn and then proceeded to bloat so I looked 9 months pregnant. My stomach felt like a cement mixer, very uncomfortable so I couldn't eat anything. Despite all this discomfort the scale did not move.
Note to self, laxatives are a waste of money.
I decided to include 2 photos in this post. They were taken last summer in Spain. I will take them down tomorrow, just in case. I weigh a bit more now and I'll post more recent ones soon.
Have a lovely Sunday and Happy Jubilee weekend to all you Brits,
Much love to you xxx
These were taken last summer in Spain
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