See you on the flip side

I had my last appointment with Mary yesterday
I am officially discharged from that service
No more Mary
She wished me luck
She said that she had every confidence in me
Before I left she gave me a huge hug
I probably won't see her now for a few months but I said I would stay in touch

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday
My Dad and I were looking at a photo on the internet and he commented that this particular girl was thinner than me
I didn't show him but I got so angry
I wanted to hop the laptop off his head
I went in to the living room and cried tears of pure temper
I was angry at him
Angry at this bloody ED
But most of all I was angry with myself
I have never felt so big
The thought of walking in to hospital at this weight is soul destroying
Even though I know it's more about my behaviours than my weight
Even though I have never been so disordered
I still feel that I'm not sick enough
Not worthy of a place in treatment

If there wasn't so much on the line I would be running in the opposite direction
I would be telling everyone to stick treatment up their ass
I would be running in to the open arms of my ED
But I can't do that now
 I know that's just the fear talking
Not at the eleventh hour
I would be letting so many people down
And most of all I would be letting myself down

I guess I am just afraid
Terrified
I am venturing in to the unknown
In to recovery
I have to keep telling myself that all I have to do is give it a shot
If I don't like it I can always go back
My ED will always be there but recovery might not
I have nothing to lose and everything to gain

This will be my last post for a while
I don't know when I will post again
Maybe at Christmas when I am home for a few days
This isn't goodbye
Not at all
More like see ya later

I started this blog just over a year ago after reading blogs for quite a while
I had no expectations when I started
I just wanted to write and connect with others like me
Overall this blog has been a positive thing in my life
There are some negatives and I will have to look at them but for the most part it's been good
I've met and befriended the most amazing people
I've had the privilege of following your stories
Of being part of your lives
We may all live in different countries and may never even meet each other
But we are all bound by a common thread
We are eating disordered
We are hurting
We are a bit lost
We fight a daily battle
Sometimes we win
Sometimes we lose
But the important thing is that we keep going
We keep hoping
We share our experiences so we don't feel so alone
And in the hope that maybe we could bring some comfort to someone in the same boat
We feel a pain that it is almost unbearable
We put ourselves, our bodies and our minds through hell every single day
But it is because we feel this pain that we are able to empathize with others
We know because we live it every day

I want you to know that it doesn't have to be this way
There is a way out
I truly believe that
I don't believe that our EDs ever go away
It will always be there
As I've often said before, I compare my ED to taming a wild animal
I can train the animal and manage the animal
But there is always the possibility that it will bite
With determination and hard work we can tame this animal
We can live our lives on our own terms
We can follow our dreams
We can learn to like and even love ourselves
We can be the people that we always wanted to be
We can do the things that we always wanted to do
It is possible
I just know it is

Please take care of yourselves
Please stay as safe as you can
I won't be here but I will be thinking of you and sending love your way
This is Ruby over and out
See you on the flip side

Your friend,

Ruby x

Monday

Monday morning
Usual rituals
Doctor
Chemist
Walk my dogs
Come home and sleep the day away
It's funny how I get such comfort from ritual and routine
Knowing that things are the same
That this is what happens
Knowing it's predictable
It's less anxiety provoking
It's safe
Little things throw me
Running in to someone in the street
An unexpected knock at the door
Any change to my routine makes me feel anxious and scared
But it's next to impossible to avoid unpredictabilty
Life is unpredictable
Things don't always go the way you planned
Why is that not ok with me?
Today was slightly different as it will be my last Monday morning ritual for a while
If everything goes to plan I will be in treatment by the weekend

My doctor doesn't seen to enthused that I am going in
I suppose he's thinking that we've been here before and nothing changed
He increased my meds as he could see that I was quite anxious
Now I have 8 days meds when I only need 4
I didn't say anything
I wanted the extra meds
Bad Ruby, very bad!

This week there is a lot to do
Getting packed
I probably have way too much stuff but I live 3 hours away for the hospital so I need to prepare for every eventuality

Some motivational reading
An apple a day by Emma Woolf (Virginia Woolf's great grandniece)
And Gaining, The truth about life after eating disorders

 Not forgetting Ted
I will have no doggies to cuddle so this is the next best thing

My favourite cup that I bring every time I go in to treatment because a lot of time is spent having a cuppa and a smoke (Anything can be resolved over a cuppa and a smoke

Not forgetting my favourite notebook

I may even take up knitting!

This week I will be spending a lot of time with my best girls, I can't tell you how much I am going to miss them

Sorting out my meds

Reading and signing my contracts (Including weight restoration aaaaagghhh!!)

And you can bet your ass I will drinking copious amounts of tea and chain smoking

I'm worried about going in
I'm worried about fitting in with the other patients
I'm worried about being judged
 About gaining weight
About not gaining weight and being discharged
So many things
But if I thought too much about these things I would never go

I was wondering about you
Have you been to treatment?
Do you have any words wisdom?
Any advice greatly appreciated

The 'weighting' game

Apologies for posting so much these last few days
I am full of nervous energy and the only way to calm down is to write

I rang Imelda this morning
I got her voicemail so I left a message
She rang me back a short time later
I told her my decision
That I want to go in
She asked me when
I said Monday week
That would give me a full week to prepare myself
She said that if I went in on a Monday, then I would have to wait a whole week before starting the programme
She suggested that I go in next weekend
We agreed that Friday would be the best day
That would give me a couple of days to settle in
So she put my name on the list and now I just have to wait for a phonecall which will come Thursday or Friday morning

It's happening
It's actually happening
As I said I am a ball of anxiety
I don't know what to do with myself

My bag is packed already
Carefully selected clothes that won't restrict me as I gain weight
I am on high alert and the purging is out of control
I guess I am having 'The Last Supper'

As you know I won't be blogging when I go in but I will give a update at some point
This isn't my last post
Expect mucho posts in the next week
Please email me if you'd like the address of the hospital

Now I play the 'weighting' game........

The Assessment

I had my assessment yesterday
I was up before the sun to leave the house at 7 30am to catch the 9am train to Dublin
My Dad came with me
We arrived in Dublin around noon and jumped in to a taxi to go straight to the hospital
Driving in to the grounds was so weird
And walking in was ever weirder
Nothing had changed
Not one thing
Suddenly it was like I had never left
It's strange to think that all this time the hospital had been up and running
For me time has stood still there
I saw faces that I recognized
Nurses that looked familiar
Patients whose face I knew but couldn't place their names
So many memories

We avoided the restaurant where all the staff would be having their lunch and decided to head to the coffee shop instead
It was eerily quite
Probably because most people were at lunch on their respective wards
The staff in the coffee shop were the same
I wondered did they recognize me
The girl who used to buy 10 chocolate bars at a time and copious cups of tea

We got tea and sandwiches and settled in a seat beside the window
I didn't  particularly want the food but I ate in anyway and then straight to the bathroom to purge
At one point I saw someone I recognized walking by
She had her back to me but I was almost sure that it was a girl that was in with me during my last admission
She was painfully thin

My Dad went to pour my tea, missed the cup entirely and the scalding water landed in my lap
I yelped in pain
The as he was taking down his umbrella he inadvertently whacked me in the face with it
My nerves were shot

I still had an hour to kill so I went for a walk by myself around the grounds
Once I started I found it very hard to stop even though it was pouring rain
I remember walking there over and over again when I was a patient
I walked around 4 times then it was time to go meet Imelda

I made my way through the maze of corridors and knocked on her office door
No answer
So I sat outside to wait
Soon she arrived and greeted me with a big smile
We sat in her office and caught up a little
Then it was down to business
First she took my weight height
I didn't look
I didn't want to know
I explained my situation as best as I could
Described the last year
I was honest
There was no point in giving a censored version

We talked about how weight gain was always my stumbling block
I told her how I didn't see that I was underweight but I accepted that I had a distorted view of myself
She said that weight gain is an essential part of recovery
You can't have one without the other
Another stumbling block was the purging
I never got a handle on the purging on any of my 3 past admissions
And also my drowsiness
Imelda said that when I fell asleep in groups, she didn't know if it was my meds or that I was switching off
I think it's a combination of both I said
So those are the things that I need to get on top of

We talked for along time about my ED
I confessed to abusing enemas
And also the shoplifting
I was relieved to hear her say that shoplifting food is not uncommon for someone with an ED
She said that she was talking to someone recently who was also using this behaviour
She also said that once a girl on the programme was caught shoplifting while out on her day out
The gardai brought her back

Imelda told me that there is no waiting list
I asked her about the other patients
She said that there are 4 at the moment with a range of different EDs and weights
She explained that most of the girls in at the moment are quite young but that there is a woman in the thirties going in soon and also a woman in her forties
I was glad to hear this
Glad that there was some around my own age

I asked Imelda what my next step was
She to go home
Talk to my family
Think about if this is what I want
Read the literature she gave me and ring her on Friday to let her know if I want to proceed or not
Although she said that I seem to have made up my mind
I said I would do that and ring in Friday
I said that I almost positive that I want to go in but would need a couple of weeks to get myself togetheR
She asked why I needed 2 weeks
I couldn't actually answer her
The truth was that I wanted some time to lose more weight
I didn't say that though
She said not to leave it too long or I would end up taking myself out of it
And that's a distinct possibly

The assessment was an hour and a half long
I came out feeling very tired and drained
I hope I came across as motivated
I hope she could see how much I want this
Because I do
I really do

My Dad and I caught a taxi and headed back in to town to get the 5pm train
I slept some of the way home but then the train came to standstill in the middle of nowhere
We were there for aged and then found out that the train had hit a cow!
Very weird
We finally arrived back at 8 30pm
My Dad wanted to get a takeaway so we stopped on the way home to get chips
I got chicken nuggets and chips and 2 portions of curry sauce
Eventually we arrived home after 10pm
I haven't had chips in the longest time
They were so good
But I purged
I purged 3 more times before the night was over
At 1am I got in to bed and was out like a light
It really was the longest day

Today I feel tired
I have to ring Imelda tomorrow and my ED is in overdrive trying to sabotage my good intentions
She is panicking at the thought of me breaking free
I will ring tomorrow
And I will say yes, I want to go in
I think I will say that I want to go in the week after next
I think that's a reasonable time frame

It's scary because now it's all real
It's actually happening
Up until now I have been talking the talk
Now it's time to walk the walk
Part of me wants to run in the opposite direction and forget the whole thing
Part of me wants to swallow all my meds with a bottle of vodka
Part of me thinks that this is a really bad a idea
Part of me is just so afraid
But a bigger part of me does want this and I'm trying to hold on to that
This is a great opportunity to break free and take my life back
I am fortunate that I have the option to go to treatment
If I didn't have health insurance I would be up shit creek

Today I am taking it easy
Resting
Thinking
Preparing myself to do this
That's all I can do for now

A big thank you to all who read and comment
It means more than you know to know that all of you are behind me
Each and every one of you have been so supportive and kind
Thank you

Tomorrow

My assessment is tomorrow
I am beyond anxious
I will travel to Dublin tomorrow morning with my Dad and my assessment is at half two in the afternoon
Walking back in to that hospital will be so difficult
Seeing old faces
Memories flooding back
Seeing the corridors I walked down
The rooms I sat in
The places I went to cry
The grounds I walked every day
It will be so strange

Technically it is a psychiatric hospital but it really is a lovely place
It doesn't really have a hospital feel
It has beautiful grounds
A huge coffee shop where everyone meets
2 restaurants
And the ward where I will be is quite nice too
The ED patients stay on this ward but these are also other patients on the ward too
I like that because it means that there is always other people to talk to

When you first go in you are put in a double room near to the nurses station sharing with someone else
But as you get settled you are moved to the corridor to a room of your own
And the rooms are lovely
They are big so it's like having your own little apartment with your own bathroom and you can bring in anything you like to make it cosy

So much happened during my last 3 admissions
The first time I was there I was with another girl when she got the call that her family had been murdered
I still remember her howling
People harm themselves
Try to kill themselves
Some succeed
But I also have some fond memories of being in there
I met the most amazing people
It's strange
I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin as I did when I was in that hospital
Strange but true

I have to admit I feel embarrassed walking in tomorrow at this weight
Although I have no ides what my weight is I feel huge
I'm afraid that I will laughed out of there
And being weighed tomorrow will be pretty traumatic
I have to keep reminding myself that it is not about what I weigh
It's about my behaviours
And my behaviours are off the freakin' wall
It is not yet lunch time and I have already been to the shops to buy (shoplift) binge food
My Dad came down this morning and he told me that I am out of control
And I am
I can't stop binging and purging
I literally can't stop
It is driving me insane
The never ending march from the kitchen to the bathroom
I have a path worn

I asked my father if being like this is similar to when I was using and which was worse
He couldn't answer
He said that they are similar but also different
It's obvious that he finds it really difficult to witness my behaviour

Have you ever seen the Dr Phil show called 'The worst anorexic and bulimic you will ever see'?
It aired a few years ago
It followed Amy's story
Amy was 28 at the time
She had a very serious ED and purged up to 150 times a day
She weighed 60lbs
As I watched it I thought to myself 'That girl is way worse than me'
But as I continued to watch I couldn't deny the similarities between us
She couldn't stop binging and purging and neither can I
Yes she may weigh less than me but the behaviours are the same
At one point it showed Amy talking about the contents of her fridge
She took out a huge jar of pickles and said that they are her most favourite food
I am a pickle addict
I love the sour taste and I drink the vinegar
Any also said that she is a 'huge condiment fan'
Me too
I cover my food in salt and pepper and sauce or gravy
Can't eat food without it
Mary tells me that I crave these condiments because I want my food to have as much flavour as possible
That's true I think

I have to confess that I took a double dose of my meds today
I just can't handle the anxiety and anticipation
I just want tomorrow to be over
I want it to be done
I can't think beyond tomorrow
If they say that I can come in straight away I will cross that bridge when I come it
I'll be as honest as I can
Tell the truth about he horror of my life
There's no point in hiding it anymore
No point at all

Anyway I'm off to have a little nap
Wish me luck for tomorrow
I'm going to need it......

Anorexia fights back

Ok so I know I probably have come across very positive and 'ready for recovery' recently
I have been trying my best to be
 I almost had myself convinced that this is what I want
And it is
But it isn't, if that makes any sense
I have been telling my family that this is it
It's going to happen this time
I'm finally going to put my fuck-wittery and God for saken ED behind me once and for all
I've been  talking about all the things that I am going to do differently
How recovery is going to be awesome and I'm going to be the best little recovering anorectic that ever was
Some lovely people commented on my blog that I am brave and strong
Although they are kind words I cringed as I read them
Because you know what?
The truth is I'm terrified
The truth is I haven't properly thought about what I will do after I set foot in that hospital
The truth is that I think I've been trying to convince myself aswell as everyone else that I'm going to recover
The truth is that I don't know what the hell I'm doing or where I am going
That I didn't bank on treatment happening so soon
I didn't think it would happen before Christmas
I thought I would have a couple of months to have one last big blow out
The truth is my ED is making plans for when I come home
That I will lose weight and manage my weight at a low but not critical level to keep the heat off me
How messed up is that?
I'm already planning to lose the weight that I have not yet gained
I know that it's my ED and not me
It's just so sneaky
So sinister
I can't distinguish my own thoughts from my ED
It's like she realises her position of power is now in jeopardy and she is trying to lure me back in
Trying to sabotage me before I even have a chance of recovery

I guess these feeling are normal
I remember when quitting drugs I wasn't sure it was what I wanted but I was willing to give it a shot
And it worked out for the most part
I wouldn't hold on to my ED so tightly if there weren't some benefits
And there are but they are few and far between these days
The purging is so so bad
I've never felt so out of control
And this thing only get worse although how it could get any worse I do not know

I saw my doctor this morning
Because I am feeling all these shitty feelings I decided to test the waters to see if he would up my meds
Just to get a little relief
That right there is classic addict behaviour
I explained that my anxiety is through the rough and I'm not sleeping
This is partly true
He said that if things didn't improve  he would increase them next week
So you can bet your bottom dollar that no matter how I get on this week I will telling him the same thing I did today
Or maybe I won't
I don't know
I know that this is just me panicking at the thought of all my escape methods being taken away from me

To my surprise he brought up the subject of reducing my methadone
I said it wasn't a good time
'Next week then' he said
'No comment' I replied

I have stopped weighing completely and in my head I have gained the weight of a baby elephant
I can't bring myself to weigh
It's just too anxiety provoking
So instead I did the next best thing
I tried on my smallest pair of trousers to see if they still fit
They did
I felt better

Despite the way I am feeling I will plough ahead
 I will attend the assessment on Wednesday
I will go in when a get a date
But beyond that I just don't know
Please tell me it's normal to feel this way
Please tell I am not crazy
If anyone has been through this please do let me know how it was for you
I need to hear that what I am feeling is ok
That I am not a bad person for feeling so confused
That this is all part of a greater plan

After the doctor I cleared my head with a walk on beautiful Bundoran beach with my 2 best girls
I seem to only post photos of me with my dogs
I do have friends, I promise you
Well 2 friends, he he
But for a drug addict with a raging ED that's pretty good going

Anyway, over to you.............

Goodbye anorexia

Mary has been telling me for a long time that I should get rid of clothes that are in a very small size
My 'anorexic clothes' as I call them
And for the longest time I have resisting doing this
Mainly because I had no intention of gaining weight
But weight gain is going to happen
For real
These clothes are not going to fit me anymore and I hopefully I won't ever need them again
This is not just a closet clean out
This is saying goodbye to anorexia
It's making a commitment to gain weight and maintain it
It's an action that says 'I'm moving on and I'm leaving my ED behind me'
I guess it's symbolic
Symbolic of saying goodbye to my anorexic self
I don't need to tell you how hard this is

So during the week I began the 'purge' of my 'anorexic clothes'
My mother was close by for moral support
To be honest a lot of the stuff was clothes that I just didn't wear any more regardless of the size
I filled 2 black bags
I have to admit though I kept my favourite anorexic clothes
My reason being that I need them for the moment
I found the blue jeans that I am wearing in the photos below, in a shop in France a few years ago
I was 80lbs and I was overjoyed to find a lovely pair of jeans that actually fit me
I love them
They are by far my favourite jeans
Throwing them out is proving very difficult

I've had to think about how I'm going to handle my clothes situation when in treatment
I don't want to bring a selection of clothes in different sizes
So what I've decided to do is bring is the clothes that fit me right now
Leave clothes that will fit me at home
And my mother can bring them in as I need them and take the clothes that are too small home with her
It's the easiest way I think

Mary suggested that because I am on a limited income that I ask my parents for help buying some new clothes
Financially I mean
I think that is a stroke of genius, he he!
So this morning my mother and I hit the shops
I live near a surfing town so there are a few really cool surf shops with funky hoodies
I have jeans in every size known to man so I don't need any new ones
So today my mission was to buy a couple of hoodies
I am a hoody, jeans and trainers girl
I guess the look is kind of surfy but I am by no means a surfer
We concentrated on one shop as that is all I could really handle
Within a couple of minutes of being in the shop I found 4 hoodies that I really liked
I tried them all on and it wasn't as traumatic as I was anticipating
The smallest size was too big for me that's good as I can grow in to them
I narrowed my choice down to 2 and I was really happy with them
I also bought a little hat
All in all it was a positive experience and I am so grateful to my mother for helping me out
These things are stressful and my mother is a great support
This is another step in embracing recovery
Weight gain has always been my down fall but now I feel ready
I feel ready for treatment
I feel ready to fight hard
I feel so ready to leave this illness behind me and live my life
Bring it on weight gain!

So here are my new threads
I'd love to know what you think?

Blue fleecy hoody, Roxy and favourite blue jeans

Navy hoody with flowers 

To keep my little head warm