Still standin'

The past week has been unimaginably hard 

So much has happened

And yet most of my family know nothing

So I am trying to save face for them

Using really threw me for a loop

And all I really learned is that I can't say no

And that I am still a greedy addict

The Boy has also confused me 

Wondering whether I  Iike him or not

Feeling strangely drawn to him

Anticipating his texts and calls

It's all very high school and hormonal

I now know that I can't see him

And I've accepted that

For now

Just knowing he wants to see me is enough

Anyway

This is just a quick post to let you know that I am still here

I'm hurt

I've been stung

A good friend had left me feeling bruised and battered

It sucks because I really cared about this person

Even though they think I don't 

The whole situation had me wondering whether I am a bad person

Or a sick person 

Sometimes I feel like I leave a trail of destruction in my wake

And hurt everyone around me

But do I really have that power?

I don't know

Dentist

I had an appointment with my lovely dentist today

As you know 

I had temporary crowns put in last summer 

And now it's time to get the permanent ones

My dentist had a big hello for me when he saw me

He shook my hand vigorously

And told me that I was looking great

He looked at my teeth

At which point he started to get very excited

'This is fantastic' he exclaimed 

'Your mouth looks so much better since you gave up smoking'

'I can't tell you how delighted I am with this, I'm going to turn you in to a fairy princess'

I had to laugh

He seemed so thrilled with the transformation

So he booked me in for an appointment in two weeks

It will be a marathon to get the job done

But my dentist assures me that it will be worth it

In the car on the way home

My Mum and I got chatting

She was saying how strong I am

And how I have overcome so much

I felt like a complete and utter hypocrite

I considered telling her the truth

But what will that do

Other than worry her

If only she knew though

She brought up The Boy too

I told her that he is moving

She seemed very relieved

And speaking of The Boy

He just texted me

I didn't text back

I can't

And I won't 

It's always hard to get back on track after a slip

The trust is now gone

And my sister is keeping a close eye on me

It's just a rotten situation for everyone involved

And it's down to me to put things right

 

It was easy to think that I wasn't really using

After all

It was just a cup of innocent tea right?

Maybe to some people

But for me 

It has the power to send me spinning out of control

It has the power to cause me to relapse

To break my families heart

To cause utter chaos in my life

Because I am an addict

A greedy, hungry, don't know when to stop, dust bin junkie

My brain works on the basis of all or nothing

There is no in between

No happy medium

No half measures

And I have to face up to this fact 

I can't use

I can't drink

Not if I want to face any semblance of a normal life

Now it's time to pick up the pieces

And put them back together as best as I can

It's time to take stock

To reflect on the last few weeks

And to think about where I go from here

I lost a friend this week because of what happened 

And that saddens me greatly 

She wants nothing to do with me

And that feels so crappy

But 

I understand that I have frustrated people

And let people down

Heck I am sick of myself

And the trail of destruction I leave in my wake

I need s good dose of common sense

And a swift kick up the ass

Any volunteers?

No seriously 

I have to get back on track

I know exactly what that entails

I have been here many times before

The only difference this time being that I have an awful lot to lose 

I can't 

I won't let that happen

It's time to pull up my big girl pants

And behave like a responsible adult for once in my life

As the saying goes 

It's not about the size of the dog in the fight

It's about the size of the fight in the dog

And this dog has a huge fight on her hands 

Fighter

I've decided to fight

To fight for my life

For my sanity 

For my health

And my mental health

For my future

For my dogs

But most of all for my family

I might survive another relapse

But it would damn near kill my family

I truly believe that an addicts family get the brunt of addiction

At least the addict gets to zone out with drink/drugs

The family has to suffer through it all

So yes

I was sitting on my living room with my mother and my sister last night

And I thought to myself 

Where would I rather be?

Would I rather be out in The Boys house

Drinking cups of poppy tea

Passive weed smoking

Listening to them waffle on in a drug addled monologue about the meaning of life?

I suddenly thought to myself

I don't want that

I would much rather be here with my family watching Eastenders

And drinking good old fashioned Barry's tea

It's no exaggeration to say that The Boy has turned my world upside down

And my poor sister doesn't know what to do

It's up to me to put this right

And to earn get trust back

Not easy let me tell you

I just don't want my mother to know

If I can get through this without telling her then I will

But yes

I have no other option than to fight

If not for myself

Then for my family

They don't deserve this

God knows they have suffered enough

I'm doing this for them

Until I'm able to do it for myself 

Struggling

My sister knows 

She read my blog

Even though I asked her not to

She is not happy

And tells me if I see The Boy again

Or use again

She will call the police

And report me and him

I don't doubt that she will go this 

She means business 

He texted yesterday

Wanting to meet up

I decided to go and tell him that I couldn't see him anymore

Against my better judgement 

I went to his house

Where I found myself sitting in a living room

With three dudes all skinning up

Suddenly I just wanted to get out of there 

And just knew I had made a huge mistake going there

I racked my brain for an excuse to get out of there

I was becoming very anxious and paranoid

And just wanted to get the hell out of there 

It's like I suddenly realised that this was all bullshit

It wasn't real

And do I really want to be part of this world?

The answer is no

A definite no

I couldn't have got out of there quick enough

And before you say it

I know it was a really stupid thing to go and see him

I know it was putting myself in danger 

But yet I still plough ahead in to self destruction 

I am realising that I can't use recreationally

I can't drink socially

I can't have just one

I am an addict

And a greedy one at that

It has to be all or nothing

So there I was 

Sitting in a fog of dope smoke

Listening to these guys talking

I couldn't even say anything

I just wanted to run out of there 

I took out my phone 

And pretended that I had just got a text

I said it was my nephews school

And they needed someone to pick him up as he was sick

I made my excuses and left

It was such a relief to get in to my car and drive away from there

I don't know if they believed me

And I don't really care

All I know is that that is not a world I want to be part of

At least now I know that for sure

I arrived home

And my sister was on high alert

She wanted to know where I had been

And who I had seen

I told her the truth

There's no point in lying anymore

She is worried

But said she won't tell our mum

This time

I'm not sure why it's so hard to stay away from The Boy

He has nothing to offer me

Other than a drug habit 

But I still feel drawn to him

And I hate that I am

But I know I can't see him anymore

If I want to stay clean and sober

If I don't want to worry my family

It sucks

I have too much to lose though 

As my sister said to me yesterday

I have worked too hard to get to this point

I don't want to throw it all away

And lose the trust I have built up with my family

Do I really want to throw my life away for the sake of a boy or a drug?

The answer is no

I definitely don't 

NEDA

It's National Eating Didorders Awareness Week this week

An important date on the calendar for sufferers and their families

I know it has been in the media a lot this week in this country

My doctor from treatment has been on the tv and radio numerous times this talking about eating disorders 

I think it's so important to talk about EDs

As we all know

EDs have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness

That is a chilling statistic

Eating disorders thrive on secrecy

Sufferers don't want to talk about what they are doing

Because they are embarrassed 

Because they are afraid

And because they are ashamed 

I know in my case

It took me years to even admit to the fact that I had an ED

I couldn't face up to the reality that I had anorexia

As well as having an addiction

It was all too much

I remember feeling so scared and alone at that time

I knew nothing about EDs

I knew no one that had experience with them

And it was so confusing

As I had always loved my food

And now it was becoming my enemy

I didn't know where to turn

Or what to do

Telling my family was beyond difficult

But I soon found out that they had suspected I had food issues anyway

That's the thing about EDs

We think we are hiding them

And keeping them secret

But those that know us best 

Always know that something is up

I think it's so important to talk about EDs and mental health issues

Ten people kill themselves every week on this country

And eight of those are men

Some high profile people have spoken out about mental illness in this country

Which has started the conversation in homes

We are not very good at talking about our issues here in Ireland

We are experts at sweeping things under the carpet and burying our heads in the sand

My family used to be like that

Growing up our house was turbulent

There were issues that badly needed to be addressed 

But instead they were ignored

And they festered and stewed

Almost tearing my family apart

But now 

Years later

We are able to talk openly about out addictions and disorders

And we are closer than ever

My hope for this week

NEDA week

Is that people talk more about EDs

In my mind 

EDs are a way to take some control over our lives

Those with EDs are not happy well adjusted people 

We are suffering

Suffering from low self esteem

We have little or no confidence or belief in ourselves

We are lonely

And afraid

It's no exaggeration to say that hate ourselves

And so we try to take control ovet the one thing we can

Our weight

As we all know

Treating EDs is extremely difficult

You are dealing with someone who might not want to get well

And it's damn near impossible to treat someone who doesn't want the help

I have been in hospital and treatment many times

It was always me trying to maintain my illness

Trying to stay one step ahead of the staff

I saw them as the enemy

As them trying to take away the only thing that was keeping me going

For me

Inpatient treatment did not work

And it took me a while to figure that out

Being around other girls with chronic illness was so hard

And the docks all day was good and weight

I don't doubt that it works for some people

And you have to be so focused and determined to get well in that situation

I began to get well with the help of Mary

It took me a long time 

But eventually I mustered up the courage to address my demons

I found doing it from home suited me much better

I think that inpatient treatment really needs to be looked at

And more out patient treatment needs to be available

This week two years ago

There was an ED convention in my home town

Organised by Bodywhys and Mary

Two days before the convention

Mary rand myself and my mother

And asked us both to speak at the conference

I was terrified 

But I really wanted to do it

I wanted to be honest about what it is like to live day in, day out with an ED

I felt it was so important to let people know the reality of it

I wrote out my speech

And wrote as if no one was ever going to read it

The day of the conference

I was a bundle of nerves

I watched the room fill up

With doctors, psychiatrists, families and sufferers

I held my speech in my hands

Reading over it again and again

Soon it was my turn to speak

I don't remember much about reading it out

Only that it was over before I knew it

I got so much great feedback afterwards

Mary hugged me

And she had a tear in her eye

I hope my speech that day gave  people a better understanding of what it's like to live with an ED

Because often families and friends are at a loss as to what to do to help their loved one

And I think it's up to us

Those of us that are suffering or in recovery

To let others know how to help us

And to ask for that help

Because inspire of what we think 

We can not do this alone

Counselling appointment

So I had my first addiction counselling appointment yesterday afternoon

I wasn't expecting much

As I've had many such appointments over the years

And they never amount to much

Other than me sitting through them

And counting the minutes until the hour is up

But this was someone I've never seen before

A woman

Called Breda

I arrived for my appointment at 2pm

It was in the same place where I see my doctor

Who I ran in to in the hall

He's always very friendly

And says a big hello

I knocked on Breda's door

And she answered straight away

I followed her in

And sat down

I'd been referred from my doctor

So she knew very little about me

Other than I was on methadone and other meds

I explained a little about my history

Which is always a pain

But it has to be done

I also explained about my recent slip

I found her great

Really on the ball

She obviously has a lot of experience

She said that I have come a long way

And even though I have slipped

I have a lot of work done

She was very positive

And very encouraging

She asked me about my days

I told her that I don't have much structure 

Other than picking up my meds

And my dogs

She said it is important that I have a reason to get up in the morning

I couldn't agree more

She also mentioned Mary

And how she is back in get post as eating disorder specialist

She said she would contact her about seeing me again

I am super excited about that!

Breda is also referring me for holistic therapy

Like reflexology and reiki

As she thinks it can really help

I was delighted about this

And it will only cost me €5 per session

Which is amazing!

She also gave me a pros and cons list about my addiction

Encouraged me to stop thinking about meetings and to just go

She also recommended meditation and mindfulness

I came out of the appointment feeling really good 

She said that she doesn't new to see me every week

So I am seeing her again in two weeks

In the mean time I have a lot of work to do 

Breda was great

I had lost faith in addiction counsellors as the last couple I've had were really brutal

It was soul destroying sitting through a whole hour with them

So Breda was a breath of fresh air

I feel a bit more clear now

Of what I need to do to get back on track

And I feel I can do it

If I can just stay away from Thr Boy

Which is harder than you might think

So today is a new day

A day where I don't use 

I don't misuse my meds

I don't text The Boy

Or reply to his texts

I walk my dogs

I eat as well as I can

And i do everything I can to help myself

I am blessed to have amazing support

Even Breda said that I am in a very fortunate position 

I drive

I have my own car

My family are nothing but supportive

I have a safe place to live

I want for nothing

This a great chance for me to get back on track

And I will grab it with both hands 

I believe that there is a life for me beyond my addiction and my ED

There is a course I can do

A job I can succeed in

A boy that is right for me

All this is just there waiting for me

I just need to reach out and find it

My destiny is not to be drug addled and destitute 

Or to die at the hands of my ED

I know there is a better life that I'm meant to lead

A better road that I am meant to take

I don't know what that is yet

But I am sure that if I stay on track

It will all become clear

I just have to do the next right thing

And I will

Or at least I will try my level best

What is the alternative.........?

Doctor Day

I'm just back from seeing my doctor

What a relief it is to have finally told him

The nerves about this appointment started last week

When I realised I needed help

Last night full blown anxiety kicked in

I was dreading telling my doctor

Not because I was worried about what he would say

I mean what can he say?

But because I hate to disappoint people

Especially someone who has put a lot of time and effort in to helping me with both my addictions and my ED

I hate to let someone down

Who has been so good and patient with me through the ups and downs over the years

So needless to say

I was not looking forward to this appointment

Anxiety woke me early this morning

My appointment was at 9 20am

So I had some time to kill

So I listened to Ed Sheeran and Taylor Seift on repeat to take my mind off things

I haven't told my mother or sister yet

So I've really had no one to talk to

Apart from you lovely ladies

But still

I hate keeping this from them

And I think they know something is up

As I've been going out a lot

And have been very distant 

I'm actually surprised that they haven't realised that I am using

They usually can tell straight away

But then I am being very devious and sneaky

And maybe they do suspect 

I don't know

So I piled my dogs in to the car

And my mother and I set off for the doctor

She brought them down to the beach

While I went to the surgery

I had to wait for about 20 minutes

I'm sure the worry was written on my face

I was agitated and fidgety 

At one point I decided that I couldn't go through with it

Then I heard my name called

And saw my doctor waiting for me 

I followed him in to his room

And sat in my usual seat

He tapped away on his computer for a moment

Before asking me how I was

I took a deep breath

And told him things were not good

And that I had some bad news 

'I've been using' I blurted out

He looked really surprised

Shocked even

'What happened?' He asked

I told him about The Boy

Although I made it clear that it was not his fault 

It was all new and my stupidity

He asked me if I had been smoking or injecting 

I told him neither

And explained about the poppy tea

He sat back in his chair

And looked really disappointed 

He asked me some more about the boy

And what I planned to do now

I told him that The Boy is moving

So at least temptation will be further away

At this point he took out a drug test

And asked me for a urine sample

I went off to the bathroom

And peed on to the little cup

It was then that I suddenly thought

What if this is clean?

What if this dude had been given me some muck that he had concocted?

And it wasn't poppy tea all

I was actually worried that the sample would be clean

I headed back to my doctors room

He was still tapping on his computer

After a couple of minutes he checked the sample

'Have you been smoking weed too?' He asked

I said I hadn't

But I had been in a room where it was being smoked

Anyway

The sample was positive for opiates and hash

My heart sank a bit

Now it all seems so real

Before I told anyone 

I could trick myself in to thinking that it wasn't that bad

And that there was nothing really to worry about

But seeing how serious my doctor took me today

I can see that I am in over my head 

He began writing up my script

I asked him if he would consider increasing the methadone

He gave me a point blank no

But after I expressed concern about withdrawal

He agreed to increase it by 4 mls

I was glad

And I am also back on daily dispensing

As well as seeing an addiction counsellor later on today

I feel huge relief having to my doctor

I could easily have got away with not telling him

As he rarely drug tests me

But I know it was the right thing to do

And he thanked me for being honest with him

So at least now I have some extra support

And I feel a bit better about the whole situation

I am reluctant to tell my family

And am hoping I can get through this without having to worry them

I guess I will just see how the next few days unfold

And if I feel I need to tell them

I will

My weight is suffering through all of this

And I've lost a few pounds

But I guess that was to be expected

And hopefully I can hold steady where I am

So

My plan for the week?

I am seeing the addiction counsellor later today

I am collecting my meds daily

I will avoid The Boy at all costs

Which is going to be hard

But has to be done

I'm going to go back swimming

As I know it is good for me

And I'm going to try my best to get my addicted ass to a meeting 

All this feels manageable 

And I feel good about getting back on track

I guess this whole situation shows me that I am not out of the woods when it comes to drugs

I have no resistance 

No capacity to say no

And I need more support in this respect

I also just want to say a huge thank you to you beautiful girls

You know who you are

For your comments, texts and emails

For your honesty

Your kind words

Your concern

And your love

It means more to me than you will ever know

Thank you

From the bottom of my heart

Thank you

Fighting Back

I know I said I was taking a blogging break

And I did 

I didn't write from Monday to Friday which is very unusual for me

As you know I write everyday

And if I don't

Then there is something most definitely up

But my head feels clear today

So I'm going to take the opportunity to write about what's happening to me right now

You know that I have been seeing The Boy

The Boy being my ex- boyfriends best friend

I've seen him 3 or 4 times in the last month

The first time I met him in a coffee shop

The next couple of times 

I called to his house 

The first time I met him

He seemed really together

He was just finishing up a course

And was starting work

I got no bad vibes off him

I didn't get any kind of bad feeling off him

All was good

Or so I thought

The next week

He picked me up and we went out to his house

Straight away I felt uneasy

As I got the smell of weed

Now I have a bit of a problem with weed

In that I don't like it

And never really smoked it as it makes me very paranoid

Anyway

As TheBoy made tea

He asked me if I wanted a poppy tea

I had no idea what a poppy tea was

He explained that it is tea made from the pod of a poppy plant

Poppy plants which he grows himself

He showed me the pods

And I was intrigued

He said it was like a more mellow buzz than heroin

And did I want to try some

Here is the part where I messed up

I have no resistance when drugs are put in front of me

I haven't got the power to say no

So I said yes

And proceeded to drink two poppy teas

I felt all floaty and light

It was like a constantly soft feeling

Not like the warm saves you get from smoking or injecting

God forgive me I loved the feeling

I went home that night

Trying to act like a normal person in front of my family

But I kept nodding off

And falling asleep

He gave me some to bring home

And I spent the next three days in and out of sleep

In and out of reality

I thoroughly enjoyed it

But the thing about using any kind of drug 

Is that no matter how fast or hard you run

Reality is always just around the corner

It's a game of cat and mouse

And I'm always playing catch up

I've wondered about this a lot recently

Why I am constantly running from myself and from reality

Even before this slip

I was using my meds in a way that is not entirely healthy

So what is it?

What is it that I am running from?

Myself?

My own head?

Reality?

What is so bad about me that I have to numb myself every chance I get?

Is my world and reality so awful?

I mean

I have everything I could possibly need

A caring and loving family

Who want nothing but the best for me

I have good support from my doctor and other professionals

I have two dogs who are the light of my life

I have a small circle of close friends

I have my health for the most part

I have no major bills to worry about

Yes

My world is fairly safe and comfortable

So why am I not happy to live in it?

The truth is I like to feel outside of myself and my reality

I like to feel out of it 

And out of my own thoughts 

Away from the negative and intrusive thoughts that blight me

But the thing is

I can't have all the things I just mentioned

And a drug habit

I lose all these things when drugs are in the picture

I lose my family

My friends

I'm not present for my dogs

I'm generally a mess

Enter The Boy

And he challenges that belief

I look at him

And I see that he works

He functions

And all while using drugs

I started to think that maybe I could have it all

Maybe I could function with drugs in my life

Maybe I could find that balance

But in my heart

I know that is utter horse shit

I've proved that over the last few weeks

And it also showed me that I need to look at the way I take my meds too

Back when I had to collect my meds every day

I was doing better

As it was taken out of my hands

But now I am back to getting them twice weekly

And I am all over the place again

So

First things first

I need to talk to my doctor

And I want to make it clear

This was my choice

No one made me drink the tea

That was all me

It was all me

And my silly choices

I need to tell him

And be honest 

And just see what he says

I don't know

I've always been torn between my own life and my drug life 

It's been a constant tug of war

And in the last few weeks

Drugs have been winning

I need to get back on track

Even though a huge part of me would love to say f*+k it

And surrender to my need for escape

I know that is not the answer 

The answer is to make my reality a place where I am happy to be

Because the truth is that sometimes I resent my reality

My life

My family

Because I feel like I am in a place that I don't want to be

For them

Like I am holding on

For them

Keeping it together

For them

And when you feel like you are holding it together for others

You begin to resent them

Sometimes I think to myself

Maybe I should just go and get it all out of my system

Get out of my head one last time

But I quickly realise that is not the answer

I may have another relapse in me

But I don't have another recovery

I guess I need to make a decision

One way or the other

As bring in this limbo is driving me to distraction 

I don't need to tell you

That writing this post was more than difficult 

But I feel it is important to be honest

I haven't told my family yet

But I know I will have to eventually

In the mean time

It's a chance for me to take stock

And re-evaluate where I am

And where I am going

Because right now

I haven't an earthly clue

Untitled

Just a quick post to let you know that I am taking a blogging break

I know my last post probably didn't make a lot of sense

And I can't say any more than that at the moment

I need to get my head head together

I need some time and space to get back on track

I hope you understand

Recent events have really tested me

And where I claim to be in my recovery

Maybe a month ago I could have said I was in recovery

But unfortunately I can't say that now in all honesty

And that is typically me

Going ahead in to situations

Even though people warn me not to

And even though my better judgement tells me not to

I still plough ahead hoping for the best

And forgetting about the destruction it could cause

Please bear with me

I will be back

I promise you back

I just need to do this

I hope you understand 

In the mean time......

And I'm Back

Apologies for my radio silence over the weekend

A combination of no Wifi

And writers block

Meant I didn't get to write all weekend

But I'm back now 

So all is well

I wanted to write about something that's been coming up for me recently about my blog

When I started writing three years ago

I didn't tell anyone in my real life about it

Or if I did

I didn't give them the name of my blog

The purpose of my blog was to write about my ED and my addiction

Without fear of anyone I knew reading it

And that was great for a while

But gradually

Over time

I told more and more people about my blog

And now many people in my real life read my blog

Recently this has effected the way that I write

I find myself editing and censoring my blog

So certain people don't get hurt or disappointed or worried

This has been a huge factor especially in the last month

There have been times when I wanted to sit down at my computer

And just pour my heart out

But I feel I can't

Because I am worried about who will read it

And I know

I guess I shouldn't tell people about my blog

If I want to stay somewhat anonymous

Last week 

A woman who works with my mother stumbled upon my blog

And I know other peor who have stumbled across my blog

I know that if you type certain words in to Google

My blog comes up in the first page

It's a. It disconcerting to know that my blog is so easily accessed

But I guess that's what I signed up for right?

I got a text over the weekend 

From a girl that I was in treatment with the first time

Back in 2008

We became firm friends fast

Both around the same age

Both had dual addictions

We had a lot in common

I remember spending so much with her

Watching DVDs 

Walking laps of the grounds

Doing each other's hair

You get so close to people in treatment

I hadn't heard from her in years though

So it was a lovely surprise

She is back in treatment

Having relapsed

She asked me how I was doing

I was able to be really honest with her 

More honest than I have been in a long time

It was such a relief

I guess I felt I could be open because there is some distance between us

I felt like I couldn't worry or disappoint get

Like I'm worried about with most other people

I guess in a round about way

I am trying to tell you all something

But I don't know if I can

I don't know if it's safe

Once something is put out there

You can't take it back

And that's what I'm worried about

I was planning on telling you all today

But now that it comes down to it

I don't know if I can do it

Apologies

I know I am talking in riddles today

It's hard to explain

You know when you are faced with something or someone 

And you know this situation is dangerous

And no good can come of it

You have this feeling in the pit of your stomach

That tells you to turn around and walk away

Run

It's like a gut instinct 

Even as you walk in to the situation 

You know it's a bad idea

But you're just hoping that the gut feeling you have is wrong

Praying the situation will work out

I know I should get out now

Before anyone gets hurt

And the person who will get hurt the most is me

Bit I've always been someone who walks in to danger despite the signs

And despite the warnings

I had planned to speak to my doctor about it today

As he is just far enough away from me to give an objective opinion

But when I found myself sitting across from him this morning

I just couldn't find the words 

I be asked a couple of people in my family to not read my blog this week

As I need some space

So maybe someday soon I will find the courage to tell you about what I am talking about

In the mean time 

Please bear with me

I will get there eventually 

The Boy update

I mentioned earlier in the week that I was planning on going to a meeting

I'm afraid I didn't go

Fear and anxiety got the better of me 

I got as far as the front door

But no further

And then of course guilt and shame followed that

I was angry at myself for not going

I think in future 

I won't say that I'm going

And just go when I feel able

Walk the walk

Instead of talking the talk

The Boy was in touch a lot this week

He wanted me to call out to him Wednesday 

But I had the flu

So declined his offer

I felt a bit better yesterday

So I texted him in the morning

And said I would call over

He replied that he had to go to work for 'an hour'

And would text me when he was home

It seems that time has ceased to have any meaning for The Boy

As it wasn't until 3 hours later that he texted me to call over

I was to call out to his house

And I was really nervous to drive there by myself 

Because it is a really narrow and dangerous road that he lives on

Plus I am not a very confident driver at the best of times

I have been to his house before 

But I have such a bad sense of direction

That that was of little help

My directions were to take the road out of the village

Go up the hill

Go around two sets of bad bends

Then take the road on the left

Follow this road for about a mile

Pass the water tank

And the hump back bridge

And his house was the first house on the left

Simple right?

Maybe for a normal human being

For me it turned in to a bit of s drama

At first I was fine

I took the road out of the village

Passed the two bad bends

Or so I thought

Nothing looked familiar though

And I had a feeling that I had gone wrong 

I continued down this narrow road

Until I came across a lorry

Stopped in the middle of the road

I pulled in to the side

As I knew I wasn't going to get passed him

I waited to see if it was going to move

But there was no sign

I got out of my car

And saw a guy in the garden of one of the houses

I went over to him

Said hello

And told him I thought I was lost

I had no address so I told him The Boys name

But he didn't know him

He told me to hang on that he would ask his father

Cue another man

They brought me in to the house

Where it looked like a hoarder lived

I repeated my friends name

But this man didn't know him either

He asked me if I had an address

Which I didn't 

But then I remembered the directions about the water tank and the bridge

And suddenly they both knew exactly where I meant

Even so

They kept me talking for another five minutes

Before I thanked them and headed off again

They left me with a warning

To be careful on said road 

As there were 'a lot of fucking lunatics' on it

I jumped back in to my car

And turned in a very tight spot

I was sure I was going to end up in a ditch

And I was starting to regret leaving the house at all

I headed back down the road

And took the first right at the crossroads

It was such a narrow road

I prayed that I wouldn't meet another car

And thankfully I didn't

I came across the water tank

And then recognised The Boys house

I breathed a sigh of relief

The Boy let me in

And I related my little adventure

He laughed

We made tea

And sat in his living room

He had very kindly made me up a natural remedy to take for my flu

Very thoughtful

We chatted for hours

And the more time  I spent with him

The more I realised that I don't want anything other than friendship from him

He is a nice guy

Funny 

Super smart

And loyal

But there is no attraction there

And I am grateful for that 

For at least now I know where we stand

As friends

And nothing more

I stayed in his house for a few hours

I thought being around a smoker would drive me nuts

But it didn't 

I didn't mind at all

 

So we are friends

And that is more than enough for me

That special someone is still out there for me

I just have to find him......

Milestone

I mentioned in my last post that I have reached an important milestone today

In fact there are two milestones 

The first one being that I am six months smoke free today

I quit on the 11th of August last year

This is quite an achievement for me

As I loved smoking

Loved everything about it

My life was punctuated with cigarettes

And I enjoyed every one of them 

A cup if tea and a smoke was a constant in my life

Anything could be solved over a cuppa and a smoke

I can't lie

I do miss them

When I see someone smoking

I feel a pang of jealousy

But then remember that they now cost €10 a box

And I don't feel so bad 

I was telling my doctor on Monday that I am six months off them

He was very impressed

I told him that the only reason I gave up was that I couldn't afford them anymore

It didn't bother me that I was smoking myself in to an early grave 

If I was rich

I would most definitely still be smoking

I decided to treat myself for reaching this point (Like I need an excuse)

And bought myself a new hoody

It hasn't arrived yet 

But I will post photos when it does 

On to the second milestone

I am now exactly one year out of treatment

Which means I am one year in to my recovery 

The past year has gone by so quickly

And so much has happened

But I am still here

Still fighting for a better life

And hoping for a better future

Boy drama.......

After a few days of radio silence

The boy contacted me yesterday

Apologised for the lack of contact

And said that he had been extremely busy

He wanted to know if I wanted to meet up

I do

I do want to see him

I don't want to want to see him

But I do

I've realised over the last week that I need to be very careful

As I fear that he might not be entirely clean and sober

Is that part of the attraction I hear you ask

Kind of

Possibly

Maybe 

Probably

And as well as that

He is impossibly unreliable 

Probably because of said reasons of not being altogether clean and sober

And that drives me bananas

I mean

If you like me

Tell me

Show me

Let me know for Gods sake

I'm not a mind reader

I can't tell what you are thinking

When you don't text

I presume that you don't want to text me or see me

And when I text you

Text me back dude

Don't leave me hanging

That is not cool

I know that this whole situation could end in tears

I've had this feeling about boys in the past

Liking them

Even though I know it's heading for disaster

But the feelings of attraction are strong and powerful

And hard to resist

I can't lie

Knowing that someone might like me is a good feeling

Getting butterflies in my tummy is a good feeling

And it's a welcome distraction from ED and addiction related issues

This is my first brush with a boy since I started to recover

Before now

I haven't had a boyfriend

Or even a potential boyfriend in years 

So it's all very new and exciting

I have never had a sober relationship

I have no idea how that goes

I can't lie

It scares the be-Jesus out of me

Even the thought of kissing someone

Or any thing like that

And dare I say it

S-E-X

It is beyond me how anyone does that stone cold sober

It makes me shudder just thinking about it

When you are in the midst of an addiction and an ED

Sex is just not on your radar

And when you don't have it

You don't miss it

So I was perfectly content to live life with a non-existent sex life

I had other things on my mind

Like simultaneously trying to both kill myself and stay alive

I was so sick

Do withdrawn

So down in myself

That boys or love or sex just didn't mean anything to me

I didn't think about them

I didn't long for them

Trying to get through the day without completely losing my shit was my priority

But now

Now I am actually feeling

Feeling feelings

And emotions

And urges 

And desires

I guess now that my physical and mental health have significantly improved

My body and mind have been re-awakened

That is both thrilling and terrifying

Some of you have asked me why

Why this particular boy

The answer to that is I am not entirely sure

Maybe because he is the first boy that I am aware had shown an interest in me

Maybe because he is a typical 'Bad boy'

Maybe because he reminds me off my former life

Maybe because he is dangerous

I don't know

I mean realistically

I know it could never work

My family would be so opposed to it

So I know I would end up having to choose between him and my family

It was the same with my ex-boyfriend

My family wanted nothing to go with him

He wasn't welcome in our house

And they made no secret about the fact that they out right objected to out relationship

That made life very difficult

My family got upset if I spent time with him

And my boyfriend felt abandoned when I went home

I was torn

And I hated it

I am desperately trying not to invest too much in this relationship

I am trying not to fall for this boy

Trying to protect myself

And stand back

To be civil

Maybe even friends

But nothing more

It's hard though

As they say

The heart wants what it wants

But I know it would make much more sense to stay friends 

Relationships just complicate matters 

The thing is this feels good 

It feels good to think that someone likes me

And may have a crush on me

It's flattering 

It's a compliment 

It warms my heart to think that there is a spark between us

I mean who doesn't want to fall in love

To meet that special someone

To be part of a couple

To have a partner

A best friend

Someone to share a life with

I know I want that

But I also know that I have to be careful

As if I pick the wrong person

It could all end in tears

When I told my mother about The Boy

She had a visceral reaction

And she doesn't even know him

It's a gut feeling that she had that he is bad news

'Menacing' to use her words

I made the point that everyone deserves a second chance

But she maintains that he will never be welcome in this house or in this family

And I have to respect that

So where do I go from here?

I guess I proceed with extreme caution

I need to protect myself 

And not put myself in a vulnerable situation

The feelings I have for him are strong

So I need to do the right thing

And not let my feelings rule what I do

This is one boy

There are plenty of others out there 

And I believe that there is someone for me

Someone who is in a good place

Who will be good for me

And bring out the best in me

I just need to be patient

I am sure I will know him when I meet him

I will feel it

Even though this whole situation is most confusing

And possibly even dangerous

I feel like it is progress 

Thus far 

My problems have been related to my ED and addiction

They have been huge and life threatening

And very heavy

Now my problems are more like 'normal person' problems 

Luxury problems 

First world problems

Before I was worried about purging 20 times a day

Low blood pressure 

Irregular heart beat

Dizziness

Depression

Crippling anxiety

Now I am worried about whether a boy likes me or not

That my friends 

Is most definitely progress

I'm also celebrating an exciting milestone tomorrow

But I won't write about that until it is the exact day and time

Meeting

I made plans with a friend to go to a meeting tomorrow

It's a lunch time meeting

And I know it's usually small and intimate

I can't lie 

I am really nervous to go 

But I really want to

I think it's an important step in my recovery

Recognising that I need help and support with my various addictions is imperative

I feel like I could relapse at any time

And even though my meds are more tightly regulated 

I still find the opportunity to misuse them

I am trying to stay clean and sober with very little help

And it is damn near impossible 

I feel like I am 'white knuckling' it

Hanging on by my fingertips

I need the support of other recovering addicts

I know that now

And as well as some much needed support

I will also benefit from the social aspect of going to meetings

I feel I am in a place where I am receptive to meeting new people and want to make new friends

It's so easy for me to isolate

To hide out here in my house

I need to get out in to the world

And find myself and my place in this thing we call life

It's now exactly one year since I left treatment

And boy it has been a roller coaster of a year

I am just happy to be in a better place

To be living life more than I have in years

I'm grateful to be surrounded by amazing people who have carried me this far 

My family has been my foundation

My bed rock

They have held through all of this

My Mum 

My Dad 

My sister

My brother and his partner

Honey and lea

You

Have all had an important and integral part in my recovery 

Like a jigsaw puzzle

They have all made up part of my life and recovery

It hasn't been easy

As I have said before

I have had to work so hard to get to the point where most people start of

To say it's been a struggle is an understatement

The last 15 years have taken their toll

I have squeezed more in to that 15 years than most have in a life time

I know I am lucky to be alive

And to have made it this far relatively unscathed

I don't have much to show for my life

No assets 

No money

No house

No partner or children

Some day I hope to have these things

I hope to have my own independent life

But for now

I have everything that I need

A roof over my head

Clothes on my back

Food in my fridge 

Two dogs at my feet

And my family and friends by my side

What more could a girl want?

I am a big believer in baby steps

As baby steps all add up to be huge strides

Everyday I don't use

And every day I don't starve or purge

Is a good day

It's a day that I 

Ruby

Take on my demons

And fight to survive

Don't get me wrong

Everything is not perfect

I still struggle to a person in this world

I struggle just be

And live in reality

I get bored

And frustrated 

And angry 

And sad

Sometimes I can't stand being in my own head

Or even my own skin 

I struggle to accept myself for who I am

I struggle not to actively hate myself

To believe in myself

To have faith that I can live life beyond my ED and addiction 

I struggle to have a healthy relationship with food

Everyday is a battle not yo starve

And not to purge

I struggle to make peace with my situation

To live life on life's terms

I struggle to want to live a lot of the time

And to ward off feelings of wanting to disappear

But despite all these battles

I am here

I am alive

And I am fighting for a better life

My tendency is to be negative

For my mind to go to dark and twisty places

My natural state of mind is to be maudlin

To feel low

I have to make an effort to be positive

And upbeat

But I have many blessings in my life

Today my life is the best it's been in a long time 

I no longer live under the shadow of depression and anxiety

I no longer feel like a burden to my family

I am in the road to recovery

I  am living proof that people like me can and do survive

So hopefully I will get to this meeting tomorrow

And take the first step in to helping myself stay clean and sober

For those of you who don't know

The meetings I am talking about are Alcoholics Anonymous

And Natcotics Anonymous 

The are support groups for people with alcohol and drug problems

They work off of a 12 step programme 

And from my own experience

They really do work

So today

If you are feeling low

And hopeless  

Tired and broken

Please remember that there is always hope

Hope for a better life

For a better future

I promise you it is possible to get well

To face your demons

And come out stronger

Please know that you are more capable than you ever knew

You have the ability 

And the courage

To make a better life for yourself

So please

Don't give up

Don't ever give up

You are too precious

To important

To be lost to this cruel illness

I know it's exhausting having to fight all the time

Mentally and physically draining

I know 

But please don't give up

We can and will get better

It is possible

I promise you that

New Day

It's a new day

And I am determined to snap out of this funky mood I am in

I hate Sunday's

I always have

It was always the day before going back to school or work

And as anyone who suffers from anxiety will know 

The anticipation of the event is always far worse than the event itself

But there are other things on my mind that I don't really want to write about

But I will mention

The Boy 

The less said about him the better

And my weight 

Ditto

So let's move right along

Something I have noticed recently

Is that our little community here seems to be getting smaller and smaller

I look through my blog roll

And see that so many bloggers have disappeared

Vanished off the face of the blogosphere

And I can't remember the last time I followed a new blog

I'm wondering why this is

Is blogger old news?

Did these missing bloggers get well and tell their demons to f**k right off?

I truly hope so

Maybe they out grew blogger

Maybe they recovered and don't need this community any more

Maybe their lives are so full and rich that they don't have time to blog any more

Or maybe they are so sick they can't write

Maybe they are in treatment or hospital

Maybe they died

I think back to when I first started blogging almost three years ago

And blogger was a hive of activity

And it was so exciting to be part of it

But now

It just seems so quiet

Do you remember Rayya?

Winter?

Thinderella who I got very close to and then she dropped off the face of the earth 

I hope and pray that these girls are ok

We are now a small and intimate community

And it makes me appreciate the ones who are left so much more

We are a tight bunch

And I love that

Yesterday was tough

But I got through it with the help

Of some beautiful bloggers

Who are always there just when I need them

It was my sisters and my dads birthday this week

So we all went out for dinner last night

To a restaurant in the village

For me 

Going out to dinner had always been a waste

I mean I don't want to pay for a meal that will inevitably end up in the toilet

We chose the early bird menu

Three courses for €26

Although it was more like 5 courses

First they brought out bread

Then an amuse Bouche which  was delicious 

For starter I had vegetable soup

It was a nice small bowl 

But by the time I was finished I was full and wasn't particularly looking forward to the main course

But I ploughed on

And had steak for main course

Again it was a small portion with some veg

I got through it 

But was fit to burst

So I excused myself to the bathroom

Joking that I was going for a smoke 

I was glad to see that the bathroom wasn't in cubicles

And was its own room

Do I didn't have to worry about anyone hearing me

I gently tried the flush before I began

Just to make sure it was working

And it was 

I did the deed

And felt incredibly guilty and dirty

I cleaned myself up

And returned to the table

Despite my bad mood

And despite my trip to the bathroom

I enjoyed the meal out

We had a good chat

And a good laugh

And all without a drop of alcohol

It wasn't always this way

For a long time my family couldn't be in the same room together

Without tearing lumps out of each other

We've come a long way 

We really have

On a good day.....

On a good day

I wake up refreshed from a good nights sleep

I wake early naturally

On a bad day

I fight the morning

I crave just a few more hours sleep 

On a good day

I feel ok about getting up

And can do so without too much hassle 

On a bad day I dread the day ahead

And would much rather sleep the day away

On a good day I put on the radio

And sing along to pop music that I am much too old to be listening to

I don't mind telling you that Taylor Swift is my guilty pleasure

On a bad day 

I turn in the radio to drown out my thoughts

To stop the noise and negativity in my head

To muffle my thinking

On a good day

I have a shower

And wear fresh clean clothes

On a really good day

I might even straighten my hair

And apply a little bit of make up

On a bad day

I don't even wash

My teeth don't get brushed

And I tie my hair up in a messy pony tail

On a bad day

My personal hygiene definitely suffers

On a good day 

I choose my clothes according to how I feel

And make sure I look half way presentable

On a bad day

I throw on whatever

And can't bring myself to look in the mirror

On a good day

I have no urge to weigh myself

And avoid the scale at all costs

On a bad day

I torture myself

And let the number dictate my mood for the whole day

On a good day

I pile Lea and Honey in to the car

And head to beach for a long walk

On a bad day

I still pile the dogs in to the car

And I still walk the beach 

But I don't enjoy it at all

On a good day

I will plan my meals

And go shopping for the food

On a bad day

I go to the supermarket

And buy lots of binge food

On a good day

I will get through the day

Having purged a couple of times

On a bad day

It is relentless

On a good day

I will take my meds properly

On a bad day

I will take them all

On a good day 

I will go swimming

On a bad day

I won't leave the couch

Never mind the house 

On a good day

I might go for coffee with a friend

I might see a couple of friends

On a bad day

I see no one 

On a good day

I almost pass as a normal person

On a bad day

I don't even know what normal means

On a good day

I feel alive

On a bad day

I feel nothing

On a good day

I am chatty

I laugh

On a bad day 

I withdraw and isolate

On a good day

I feel like I can take on the world 

On a bad day

I want the world to swallow me up

On a good day

I feel hopeful and positive

On a bad day

I feel nothing but fear and anxiety

Today is not a good day

Not at all

But I live in hope that tomorrow will be better

What now?

I feel like me and my blog are in a strange  place right now

I feel like this blog is not what it was

A blog about dealing with life with addiction and disordered eating 

Don't get me wrong 

I still struggle with these issues

But they are not urgent matters in the way they used to be

By 'normal' persons standards

I am still very much an addict

And still very much eating disordered

They don't feel as urgent any more

My life isn't in danger

My mental health isn't in the risky category any more

And my physical health has improved drastically

Life as I know it is a lot better

Heck I've even had my very own boy drama

After years of being single 

I didn't actually realise how low I was until I began to feel better 

My body was so sick

Barely able to get through the day

My mind was also sick

Depression and anxiety were constant

There were many times when I thought that I was going crazy

I truly believed that along with the weight

I was losing my mind

And that terrified me

I had spent all my life running from myself

And trying to escape reality

But the prospect that I really was losing touch with life and reality

Was enough to scare me in to getting well

For the longest time

I really didn't care if I lived or died

I had no shit to give

I courted death

I welcomed it

I would describe it as having a passive death wish

My mind still goes to that place regularly it's like my default way of dealing with life

And perversely 

Knowing I can end my life at any time

Gives me the strength and courage to keep going

A lot of the time

I feel like I am holding on for my family

That I am staying clean and sober and healthy for them

They say you should get well for yourself

But if I did it that way

I would never recover

I find it easier to do it for others 

And I can't lie

I miss drugs

I miss them a lot

But I don't miss all the crap that goes with them

Or the misery that I caused my family

Maybe recovering for others is not idea

But it's the best I can do right now

I would love to go back to meetings

I know it would help me so much

On a practical level

A spiritual level

And for the social aspect

For some reason I am afraid to go back

There are lunch time meetings that I hear are small and intimate

So maybe I could start with those 

I've taken the first steps with my recovery

I have re gained some weight

Dealt with my depression and anxiety

I am more independent now

More and more I do my own thing

And I feel strong and able

Now I guess it's time to take the next step

But what is the next step for me?

I'm really not sure 

Even with this blog

I am not sure what direction it is going

I feel confused about where I am going

I guess I need to make a few decisions

I need to take control of my life

Decide what I want to do

Whether that be recovering or not

At least then I won't feel so all over the place

I want to want to recover

I want to want to live

I know I need to find reasons to get out of bed in the morning

Reasons to live

Raison d'être

Because right now I am drifting 

Floating 

I have no focus

No direction

And I desperately need that

It's like I want both

To have my cake and eat it

I want to take drugs

But I want a stable life

I want to be thin

But I don't want the negative consequences

Unfortunately life doesn't work that way

Being a greedy addict

I want it all

But that is an impossibility 

I still struggle massively with body image

And accepting my weight

I have days when I just want to unzip my skin and step out of it 

 I have days when I cry when I see my reflection on the mirror

Or when my clothes feel a little tight

My body image is still very much entangled in my self esteem and confidence

And it shouldn't be

It shouldn't matter what I weigh

As long as I am healthy and happy

But at the moment it does matter

My weight can make or break my day

It both terrifies me and thrills me

I hate that it still has so much control over me

But it does 

It really does

 I don't know why I find reality so hard to deal with

My life is fine

I have a loving family

Two amazing dogs

A small but close group of friends

I have a roof over my head

Clothes on my back

Good in my fridge 

I have no major bills to pay

Financially I am stable 

My physical and mental health are improving all the time

But yet

I feel so empty 

So dissatisfied 

Like something is missing

I feel like I am constantly wishing my life away 

Counting down the days to when I can check off the planet 

I find reality boring

Monotonous

Tedious

I crave drama

And love

And passion 

Extremes of feelings

I crave adventure 

Highs and lows

I hate this constant and even feeling of life

I guess I need to find healthy ways of meeting these needs

I always thought that the only way to feel these things was to use mood altering chemicals

But there must be other ways

There must be

I think I need to take a leap of faith

To try some new activities 

To free fall in to my own life

What's the worst that could happen right?

I was wondering about you

Have you ever felt this way?

How did you cope?

Get through this?

Any thoughts are much appreciated 

Vet day

Today my sister and I 

And Honey and Lea travelled to my home town

For Honeys follow up appointment

And to get her stitches out

I brought them for a walk first thing

So they wouldn't mind the hour and a half drive

And we arrived at my Dads just before lunch

My sister and Lea waited at the house

And my Dad and I made our way to the vets

Honey was not best pleased to be back at the vet again

But props to her 

She was very good

After waiting for a few minutes 

The vet called us in

He said her eye looked great

And that you can hardly notice the eye is gone

Which is true 

Her fur is growing over the little wound

The vet said that she was in a lot of pain with her eye before the operation

He said he usually takes before and after photos of operations 

To put on his Facebook page

But that Honey was so 'grotesque' before that he didn't take one

There was another matter the vet wanted to talk to me about

The big elephant in the room

Literally

Honeys weight

He said that she has to lose some

If we want her to live a long and healthy life

On the vets scales

Honey weighed in at 17kilos

He said that 13kilos is an ideal weight for her

I asked the vet about the best food to feed both my dogs

He recommended one

And worked out the correct amount to give them

So that is my next mission

To get Honey to a healthy weight

Here are some photos from today.....

Morning walk

DI got my sister up early this morning

Bundled Honey and Lea in to the car

And headed to the beach for a morning walk

A good time was had by all

Here is some photographic evidence.....