August Update

And so we have reached August

It's hard to believe that work will be finishing up in a few short weeks

The summer flew by

I'm looking forward to the send of the summer

Work quietens down

The town gets back to normal

The town I work in is a holiday sea-side town

So that population explodes during the summer 

And all the hotels and other businesses make hay while the sun shines

The places I work in is a charity run holiday centre 

It provides much needed holidays for those who ordinarily wouldn't be able to afford one

We get a mixture of people

Families

Groups

Children

Seniors 

Disabled people 

Sick people 

People usually arrived on a Friday afternoon

And depart the following Thursday

We are right on the main road so we are in the think of things

Which can be both a good thing and a bad thing

Our rooms are bright and spacious 

And we have live music at the weekend 

Overall the people who stay with us are lovely 

My managers motto for the house is 'Friendliness, cleaniless and good food'

This week my week starts on a Saturday 

And I work through to Wednesday

I'm doing some evening shifts this week

Which means I'll be working in the bar

I'm a bit anxious 

But I'm sure I'll be fine 

My confidence has definitely improved since I started working 

Most of the time I fake it

But that works too

As long as I look like I know what I'm doing that's half the battle

Also my working means I get to go on a holiday this September 

I've booked a hotel in Westport for three nights with my Mam

She is going to chill out

And I'm going horse riding which I'm so looking forward to

I'm treating my Mam so I'm delighted about that

We actually stayed in this hotel about ten years ago over Christmas

I was strung out at the time

And on the last night I ran out of drugs 

So I was in withdrawal 

It was horrific

I'll never forget it

The longest night of my life

Also 

Because I am earning money 

I get to go horse riding more often

Which is brilliant 

I would do it every single day if I could 

But I can only go as much as my wallet allows 

I still call to Coco too

He is now sharing his field with some sheep

I'm looking forward to finishing up work

So I can call to him more often

I feel bad that I'm only getting over a couple of times a week at the moment 

But I am doing my best to look after him

I had a great riding lesson yesterday 

Last week

My trainer told me that I was slightly tipping forward in my canter 

She took a video of me 

And I could clearly see it

So this week I really tried my hardest to address this 

I looked up and out instead of down 

I pushed my heels down 

Shoulders back 

Boobs out

She said there was a marked improvement this week which I was delighted to hear

Look

I know I'll never really do a whole lot with my riding

I don't want to compete 

I'm not training for an event 

I just want to ride for my own enjoyment 

I want to be able to walk, trot and canter 

To gallop on a beach 

To wade in the ocean

Be able to looo after and care for a horse

Because I love it

It makes me happy 

It fills the hole in my soul better than any pill or potion

We have our staff do on the 17th

We are going for a meal

And then for a few drinks 

I booked a hair appointment for the morning 

And am getting my makeup done in the afternoon

I am half dreading it

Half looking forward to it

It will be nice to get dressed up 

All suited and booted 

I am beyond shite at applying make up 

So I am getting a professional to do it 

I can't wait to see what I look like 

I am thinking a smokey eye with a flick of eye liner 

But as I said 

Make up is alien to me

The next questions is whether to have a drink or not 

I drank last year 

And didn't get home until 6am

This year I don't plan on doing that 

So I might have a couple of drinks 

But that is it

I think that's about it for now

Thank you for reading

Stay well

And keep smiling...

July Update

Two months of work done now

About seven weeks to go

Over the last couple of weeks 

I've been struggling quite a lot 

Even though I try my best at work

I still feel like other people do it better than me

They seek to cope better

Be more confident 

More efficient 

And generally not capable than me

My bestie tells me if I hear nothing, then nothing is wrong

Which I guess is true 

But I am constantly looking for reassurance that I am doing ok

I'm nearly 36 years old

And I feel like a little girl that needs her Mommy to tell her that everything will be ok

I'm a bit of an odd ball 

And I'm sure people think I'm a bit strange 

Aa I find it hard to mix in groups 

I am fine one on one 

But in a group I have a social handicap 

That's me though 

It takes me a while to become comfortable with people 

Yet again I find myself wondering if people like me 

And wanting them to like me

And probably trying too hard to be liked and accepted 

It shouldn't matter though 

I'm there to do a job

It's not a popularity contest 

It really shouldn't matter what people think of me

At all

I know I am trying my best at work

And that's all that matters

I find myself in this situation a lot

When I was doing my course 

I was convinced the others didn't like me 

But even after I left 

They still keep in contact 

So I was very wrong about that one!

Anyway 

In other news 

My car has been giving me huge problems 

I was driving in to the garage yesterday 

When a warning noise started 

And then smoke started coming out

I stopper immediately and got out 

But my car was on a narrow road 

So I needed to get it off the road 

My Mam was there so at least I had a lift 

Four very kind men stopped and helped us pushed the car off the road

The garage recovered my car in the afternoon

And it wasn't good news 

The clutch in it is bangjaxed

It will cost €800 to fix

I do not have that kind of money to hand 

So I need to make a decision about whether to get the work done 

Or to change my car for a better one 

It's stressful

As I need a car 

For work

To see Coco 

I need it for my freedom and independence 

So I guess I will have to do something

I was listening to something on the radio this week

About the grown up children of alcoholic or addicted parents 

How they are more likely to be anxious and insecure 

How their foundation has been rocky and so they carry that in to their adult life

It was very interesting and I could relate to a lot of it 

Myself and my sisters all suffer with addiction and mental health issues

We struggle with feeling not good enough

And generally find life tough

I look at some of the girls I work with 

Who are younger than me 

But seem so much more together than me

I struggle just to get to the starting block

So it seems everyone is running way ahead of me

Of course my life has not been straight forward 

And I have dealt with an awful lot 

I am happy just to be alive 

Anything else is a bonus

I am grateful to be where I am 

And things could be a whole lot worse 

I'm still horse riding and loving it

I go 2-3 times a week

And it's is just heaven 

Sitting in a horse 

Galloping down a beach

Doing little jumps 

It makes all the tough days worthwhile 

On Saturday 

Myself and a friend did a beach trek

 A two hour trek

I was riding a big fella called Bouncer 

Fionnuala was on Tom

Kate was our leader on Skippy

And there was a girl at the back riding Laura 

We walked down to the beach 

Then we spilt up

Fionnuala and Laura went to walk the sand dunes 

And myself and Kate went down to the main beach for a canter 

I swear to God Bouncer shot off like a rocket 

Abc was running full pelt down the length of the beach

It was both terrifying and thrilling in equal measure but I thoroughly enjoyed it

After that 

We went back up to meet the others 

And walked back to the centre through the fields

Myself and Fionnuala dismounted our horses 

And were walking around like John Wayne 

The next day I was in pain 

But it was a good pain 

An almost enjoyable pain

So I think that is all my news

I am thinking of re enrolling in the horsemanship course 

I feel a bit more ready now

And ultimately this is what I want to be doing 

But first things first 

I'm just concentrating on getting through work 

And hopefully I will be back on the road soon

That's your July update sorted 

Thanks for reading 

And for being there..

Honey, holidays and huge amounts of gratitude

Today is Thursday

And my working week is finished 

I work Sunday 12pm-8pm

Monday 8pm-4pm

And Tuesday 8-4pm

24 hours a week

Which is nice

I am really enjoying work 

I can feel my confidence boosting 

And my general well being is very good

It's a great feeling to know that I am working 

Earning money

Out and about in the world meeting new people

I especially love that I am helping people enjoy a much needed break away

I love that our centre makes a difference in people's lives

A lot of that is down to my manager 

She is an amazing person

Just 40 years old 

She has been running the holiday centre and the old people's home beside it for the last 12 years

She really sets the tone in the house

She is efficient yet friendly 

Firm but fair

Hard working but always has time to chat

She is a fantastic role model

And I admire her greatly 

She always takes the time to ask me how my Dad is

And also how I'm feeling with my low confidence and self esteem

It really is the perfect place to re introduce myself back in to the working world 

And of course it's brilliant to have a few extra pounds in my pocket

In September 

I am treating my Mam to a little holiday

I will go horse riding

And Mal will potter around and relax in the hotel

So that's something to look forward to

I can't wait!

In other news 

Honey is going back to the vet on Saturday 

About her remaining eye that looks cloudy and blood shot

She has already been to the vet here

But she sent me home with no answers and told to just wait and see

And charged me €40 for the privilege 

So we are going back to the vet who removed her eye three years ago

As he is the best of the best

Honey is ok

If a bit cranky

But we are just worried that she will lose the eye she has

I mean I don't know if a dog can live a comfortable life with no eyes

I guess I would have to keep her inside 

And she would need a lot of support

But I would be willing to do that if it meant she gets to stay around 

Lea is also having a check up too

Even though they are both old ladies now

I feel sure they have a few years left in them

They have literally been by my side for the past 12 years

I can't imaging life without them

They bring so much life to our house

I feel safer and calmer knowing they are there

They are fantastic company too

I just love them so much 

And dread the day that I don't bring them home

What else?

I'm still going to my doctor every week

This morning my usual doctor was away 

So I saw 'Nice Woman Doctor'

She is lovely 

Told me she had listened to my radio interview 

And had also read some of my blog

I felt a bit naked when she said this

As I forget that I was on local radio

Talking about something so personal

She was lovely though

And told me there was a huge change in me

There is I guess

Both physically and mentally and emotionally 

I have moved on from the sick, addicted lonely girl that I was 

And am living my life in a way I never have in my whole life
Even though I have been through so much in my time
I feel extremely blessed to have the life I have
I am well and healthy
I live with my Man who I love dearly
And we get on great
I have amazing brothers and sisters
Two dogs and a pony who I adore
I am in a good place
Have great friends
I am lucky to have a job I love
Hobbies that feed my soul
My life is far from perfect
And I am no poster girl for recovery
But I am now happy and content with what I have
I want for nothing
And I believe my family and friends would move heaven and earth to help me

The past couple of weeks
Cocos owner has been avoiding me
Not answering my calls or texts
So yesterday I decided to phone him from my Mams phone
And lo and behold he answered
I was pretty annoyed and I let him know so
He told me that he's very busy with work and couldnt be dusty
What alias of old shit

One down, two to go

I finished my first month of work yesterday

It feels good to have accomplished that 

Yesterday 

I was on my own all day looking after 26 guests

That means making breakfast and serving it

Clearing up after 

Washing all dishes and the dining room

Setting for the next meal

And making sure all jobs are done

When I saw I was on my own yesterday 

I asked my manager if it was a mistake in the rota

She assured me that it wasn't 

And that I was more than capable

I can't lie

I felt pretty darn anxious about it

My manager asked me what part of it I was worried about 

So I told her 

Porridge 

Yes

Porridge

Why porridge I hear you ask

Well as well as making teas and coffees and toast for eight tables 

I also had to make porridge 

This meant turning on the gas 

Making sure it's ok

Turning on the burner

Making the porridge 

And minding it as it cooks 

Then taking orders and trying to keep it warm

You see my problem?

Anyway

My worries were unfounded 

I coped

I made porridge 

Nobody died 

Everyone was fed and watered 

Result!

As everyone filed out of the dining room

I began to clear the tables 

And bring all the dishes down to the kitchen to wash 

Which is a big job 

But I don't mind it at all

It's great to be busy 

I don't like having nothing to do

So all the washing done 

I clean up the kitchen 

Then head upstairs to clean and reset for the next course

All this work is often interrupted with guests asking all sorts of questions and requests

Whether they want to know about this or that 

Or they've locked themselves out of their room

It could be anything 

So then 

When everything is washed and bleached to within an inch of its life 

I can make a cup of tea 

Head down to the break room 

And take a few minutes to recharge and get ready for the next wave

I called them waves as that's exactly what it is like 

Everything is quiet and calm in the kitchen

And we are all standing around looking at each other

Then all the guests arrive and it's action stations 

After my break 

It's time to get ready for lunch 

It feels like I have just cleansed everything 

Then it starts all over again

But that's life I guess 

Lunch is the main event 

Four courses no less 

Soup

Main meal 

Dessert

And tea or coffee

So our kitchen is down stairs 

To get the meals upstairs we have a dumb waiter 

No that is not a stupid person 

It is a mini lift for food

Which let me tell you saves a lot of tooing frooing

Everyone seated 

And soup is up

Bring on my own yesterday 

I worked in a clock wise direction around the room

Just to keep track 

Soup served 

I go around with a bread basket?

Bread for you?

White or brown?

In my best professional voice

I leave them to it while they eat

Handily 

We have a camera in the dining room

So we can watch from the kitchen what's going on 

When I see them start to move 

I give the chef the signal to start playing the mains 

As he goes that 

I go up and start clearing bowls and getting as many as I can back down to the kitchen to put through the dish washer 

Mains are up 

And I serve them

There are 3-4 different chefs in the kitchen 

1-2 on at a time

And I soon realised that they all do things a little differently 

But what can you do 

Just get on with it

And roll with it

Mains served 

I go around with the gravy jug

I have to tell you 

People are very particular about their gravy

But then so am I

While serving mains 

I remember that one guy takes no potatoes 

And two of my golden oldies take one potato each 

I swear you think waitressing is easy 

Let me tell you categorically that it is tough 

You're going from the heat of the kitchen 

To the tranquility of the dining room

You do every thing with a smile and kind word 

Nothing is too much trouble 

And it's all done in jig time

Then 

Again

I give them time to eat 

I get all the soup bowls washed 

Get the tea and coffee ready 

And send up the dessert 

Clear up all the dinner plates 

Serve dessert

And go around with the tea pot 

The highlight of my day yesterday was when a boy called Stephen with Down syndrome told me my shoes were nice!

After that 

I leave them to it 

To chat  and Have their tea

Every time I leave the dining room

I take a handful of plates to get going on the washing

Which let me tell you can be never ending 

The amount of cutlery I polished yesterday was massive 

But it's enjoyable work 

It's not difficult 

But it's hard work

And when you have nice co workers it makes all the difference 

My manager seems to have a great knack of picking the right people for the centre

So

I get all the washing done 

And again set the dining room for the next course 

Yesterday it was exactly 4pm when I finished 

And now I am off until Sunday 

Which is just heaven!

This morning I woke up 

And revelled in the fact that I didn't have to get up at 7am

Utter bliss!

I called over to see Coco this morning 

He was in great form

It looks like he might be going to a new home 

So I am hoping he finds a home in the area so I can still visit him

There are a couple of options 

So we will see if any work out

Coco and Lea are best buddies 

It is just adorable to watch them 

Coco follows Lea around the field 

He tries to groom her 

And even bite her

Very cute 

Today Coco let me pick out his feet 

Which was brilliant!

He's becoming very tame and domesticated 

So proud of the little guy

Both my dogs are 12 now

And their age is beginning to show 

Lea has a spinal condition called spondylosis

Which effects her walk and balance 

She also seems to be going deaf 

As you know 

Honey lost an eye a few years ago

And now it seems her remaining eye is becoming infected 

So it's back to the vet we go 

I am hoping and praying that it's something that can be treated 

I guess we'll know more soon 

Anyway 

I am well 

All is well

Well mostly 

But mostly is good enough 

Thanks for reading 

See you on the next post...

A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse...!

Hello fellow bloggers

Friends 

Fellow readers and writers 

Fellow survivors

My dear sisters

Life is pretty busy at the moment 

I work three days a week

And also go horse riding 2-3 times a week

As well as seeing Coco

It's tricky trying to fit everything in

But I do my best 

And I am loving what I'm doing so it's really not like work at all

The place where I work is called St. Vincent de Paul Holiday Centre

Which is a charity run centre that help people who ordinarily wouldn't be able to afford a holiday

It's like a hotel

Kind of

But it's more like a big house 

With a living room

Dining room

Bar

I have to say that I love it

If you have been reading recently 

You will know that I really struggled with anxiety in the lead up to starting 

To the point that I didn't think I would make it

Now of course I am wondering what I was worried about 

It's hard work

But not difficult 

Basically I wear many hats at work

Receptionist 

Waitress

Cleaner

Advice giver 

And generally just being there to assist anyone that needs it 

It's nicely busy 

So I'm kept going 

Which I like as the time flies by

It's a great feeling to be working 

To be busy 

To be earning money

To be out in the world 

Meeting people 

Helping our guests enjoy their holiday

Much better than sitting at home 

Thinking myself in to oblivion

So yes

I am very content and happy

Of course things are not perfect 

My Dads health is a concern

I'm still getting used to this body 

My meds can be tricky 

But I am doing my best to keep it all together 

To stay well

And to keep moving forward  

I see Coco as much as I can 

His owner is a very difficult person to deal with 

I mean this man loves to wind me up

One minute he's talking about finding Coco a new home 

The next he is talking about getting a pony for riding 

I would take Coco in a heart beat if I could 

I did inquire about renting a field near my house 

But no takers as of yet

As well as that 

I just don't feel I have enough experience to take on what in reality is a next to wild animal 

And I definitely don't have the funds to spare if he ever needs a vet or treatment of any kind

It would be irresponsible of me to take him on

I am however hoping that Cocos owner will find him a good home where I can visit him and still continue to work with him

As I am too involved now to walk away

I just couldn't leave him

He needs me 

And I am so fond of him

I just want what is best for him

That's all

Last Thursday 

I turned up to my riding lesson to find that it has been cancelled for some reason

So I was asked if I wanted to tag along on a two hour trek

I figured why not

I was with two young German girls called Emma and Lisa 

I was riding a beautiful girl called Molly

And Anke was out trek leader 

First we walked down to the beach 

Where we trotted, cantered and galloped 

It was my first time to canter on a beach

And it was utterly exhilarating!

I loved every second of it

We continued down the beach 

And across some fields 

Then we arrived in the next village and crossed the road onnto a track

One of the lanes was quite boggy 

And there was a puddle in the middle of the lane

My horse seemed flummoxed as to what to do

So she made a huge jump over it

I was thrown back 

Then forward

And came off Molly on my right side 

I was at the back of the ride

So no one noticed me falling until I called out

I quickly realised I wasn't hurt

And went to hold Molly

Anke dismounted and came down to me

We established that I was ok 

So I jumped back up on Molly

We took it easy the rest of the way back to the centre

Despite my fall 

I loved the trek

The next day my arms and legs were so sore 

But it was a very satisfying kind of sore

I couldn't wait to go on another trek

So I decided to ask my 16 year old nephew to come with me 

I booked an hours beach trek for us 

And we went yesterday 

We were in a group with two American girls who had never ridden before 

My nephew was on a huge horse called Gypsom

And I was on a beautiful girl called Anna

Another brilliant ride 

And my nephew seemed to really enjoy it

So I think I will bring him again soon

It's so lovely to have found something that I love to do

It makes life so much more enjoyable 

So whatever it is that makes you happy 

Be it pottery

Gardening 

Running 

Drawing

Singing 

Dancing 

Cooking 

Travelling 

Do it 

Do it as much as you can 

Free your mind 

Feed your soul

This is what life is all about 

Doing what you love 

And loving what you do

What is your passion?

Week 2

Yesterday

I finished my second week at work

I've also been looking after my Dad this week as my Mam was away

It was a long week

And it's so lovely to have a few days off

On Sunday 

I worked the 4-12am shift alone 

I was anxious before it

As I've never done that shift before 

As you can imaging I spent the whole week thinking about it

Almost dreading it

I would rather not be there on my own

But there was only 15 staying in the house 

So only one person is needed on every shift

Yesterday I was on 8-4pm

So rather than going hint and conning back a few hours later 

I decided to stay the night there

It was Avery quiet night 

And I spent a couple of hours just chatting with the guests 

It's funny how something I was dreading so muchg

Can turn around and flip what you expected 

I think about the run up to my starting work

I was a complete basket case 

And really wasn't sure if I would be able to start I felt that bad

But now

Two weeks later 

And I am now wondering what I was so worried for 

Basically working there is like running a big house

It's not complicate at all

But it is hard work

Am on my feet all day

Running between three floors 

Lots of lifting and physical work

And it's busy

But I would rather be busy than bored any day of the week

It's like a big never ending circle 

You set and serve breakfast 

And by the time you havr everything washes and put away 

It's time to start lunch

So it's a bit like ground hog day

But it's very satisfying to have a sparkling and shiny kitchen at the end of the day

I've also made some new friend at work which is lovely 

Our manager is very good at choosing her work staff

Everyone is sound, hard working and easy to get along with 

So I am a happy camper all round

The only thing about work

Is that I'm not getting to see Coco as much 

I used to see him every day without fail

But now it's four times a week

Which is still good I guess

I am doing my best though 

And the time I do have with him is very special

Unfortunately 

Relations with Cocos owner are breaking down 

He is being very difficult 

Not an easy person to deal with

I texted him this morning about enclosing Coco in a smaller area

He texted me back to 'go ahead'

This made my blood boil

As he knows good and well that I can't do it alone 

And even if I could 

The expense should not fall to me

I've already spent a lot of money on Coco 

And to expect me to pay for fencing is just not on

Technically when it comes down to it

It's not my land or my pony 

And really his owner needs to take some responsibility to look after his own animal

I have brought Coco on so much 

To the pony where he trusts me

And his best friend Lea

I could actually see this coming 

His owner has been a smart arse from the start

I've had to bite my tongue thus far

But no more 

Even though I love Coco 

And would do anything for him

I'm not prepared to be tested like a door mat

He is messing with the wrong girl..

Another option I have is that I buy Coco 

And move him to a field nearer to me

I have someone in mind to ask

So that could be a possibility 

Whatever happens 

I am not turning my back on the pony 

I'm way too involved now

In other news 

Summer is here 

Although you wouldn't know it in this country

Having gained weight 

I am not thrilled at the prospect of getting my arms and legs out

I know it's bad but I've been tanning 

As it makes looking at myself a little less painful 

But to be honest 

My ED feels very far away now

I don't even think about it really

And even at this weight 

It doesn't really bother me that much 

Yea I know

I'm confused too

But weight has come to be of little importance to me recently 

I never though I would hear myself say it

But I am not a size 10-12 European 

I have curves 

I have boobs galore

My thighs are substantial 

But I am more curious and interested than anything 

Of course this means I am in the process of buying new clothes 

And dressing a new shape

I've discovered that instead of trying to Hide myself in tent like clothes 

It's much much better to embrace my curves 

And make the most of my shape

I don't need to tell you that this is massive progress

I have foung that in recover, the body recovers first 

And it takes the kind a lot longer to get better 

But ladies let me tell you that it's worth the wait

To feel

Comfortable in your own skin is just amazing 

Better than any weight loss 

Better than seeing the number on the scales go down

I shit you not!

I am just so grateful to be in a good place

And I am blessed and lucky to have a crack team of family and friends around me

Who have carried me when I thought I couldn't go on

Recovery is a team effort 

I think often times the families and friends around the sufferer are almost forgotten about 

Addiction, mental health and other conditions effect the whole family 

The whole family lives through it

It's the same in recovery 

Families need support

They need to be minded too

As they are the ones who got us through 

Who held us 

Let us cry on their shoulder 

Who forgave us 

And never gave up on us

They are brilliant without a doubt 

So thank you 

To all the Mams, Dads, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunties, uncles, children, friend and not forgetting the animals in our lives 

They are to be celebrated

Because without them

God knows where we would be

I'll leave it there for today 

Thank you for reading 

And for being there

From the bottom of my heart

Thank you💜

The first step is always the hardest...

It's Saturday evening

And I'm chillin out at home

My first week of work is over

And I now have a few days off which is nice

Work went better than expected 

And even though I had my doubts

I think I will get through the summer ok

Getting my first pay cheque helped massively 

Even if I did have to hand it all over to a mechanic

My car is fixed for now 

So hopefully it goes for me for another while 

My Mam goes away on Monday for a week

So I will be here alone with my Dad

He needs a lot of help now 

His hands are all but useless 

Making pretty much everything nigh on impossible 

From buttons to forks to drinking a cup of tea

Patience of a saint is required 

But we manage 

In other news 

I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday 

And in my friends you might know 

I saw a photo of an extremely evacuated girl 

And from doing a bit of snooping 

I discovered she has anorexia 

And also writes a blog

Being a good while in to my recovery 

The feelings I felt looking at this photo were ones of empathy and compassion

I felt no trigger

No desire to be like her 

No immediate plan to lose weight 

I felt sorry for her

Because her body is vocalising what she can't say

My thoughts then turned to myself 

I have no idea what I weigh right now

And have no desire to know

My body shape has changed a lot over the last year 

I've gone from being a petit little girl

To a curvy and shapely woman 

A lot of my clothes don't fit me now

And I'm having to buy new ones

In new sizes too

I caking very easily lose my shit over my weight gain

And a year  ago I could not have handled this at all

But today 

Well today I am ok with my weight

I've decided that I have three options with my weight 

I can change it

I can ignore it

Or I can accept it

I've decided to accept it

As really 

In the grand scheme of things 

What's a few pounds here and there 

The people in my life who love me don't care what I weigh 

And those who do care and judge my weight are not real friends 

I'm pretty sure that this is the highest weight I've ever been

I have boobs galore 

And a booty you could eat your dinner off

And you know what?

I am perfectly ok with that 

I am a firm believer in rocking what you've got 

And at the moment I have curves 

So instead of covering them in tent like clothes 

I am going to dress them to highlight them

Accentuate the positive and all that

Skinny No longer holds any glamour or wonder for me

Skinny is fine 

But so is curvy

It's more than fine 

It's sexy

It's unique 

It's attractive 

And for the first time probably ever in my life 

I feel ok in my skin

Now don't get me wrong 

I have plenty of days when I feel like I want to take a hatchet to my body 

I have days when I despair that none of my beautiful clothes no longer fit me

But 

They are just clothes 

They are replaceable 

It's not a big deal

The great thing about diversity is how individual you can be

I spent quite a while hiding my new body in blankets of fabric

Now I have decided to embrace my curves

To show off rather than camouflage 

And there is one more thing about body image that money can't buy 

And that is confidence 

Confidence 

No matter what you wear 

Or what you look like 

If you have confidence 

If you act like you don't care 

If you rock what you've got and then some 

Then that is extremely attractive 

So yes 

One thing I've learned 

Is that the size of your body has absolutely categorically nothing to do with your happiness

I thought when I reached a certain weight I would be happy 

What a load of old shit

All that happened was that instead of being healthy and miserable 

I was now under weight and miserable 

And here I am now probably double my lowest weight 

And I am still hanging in there 

I went over to see Coco this morning 

With my sister and Honey and Lea

I was a bit worried about seeing Coco 

As the last time I saw him he was pushy to the point of being aggressive 

But today he was in much better form

And back to his gentle cheeky self

Which I was so glad to see

He was delighted to see his bestie Lea

And followed her all around the field like a puppy

Very cute

Relations with Cocos owner are starting to break down though

He is slimy

Smart arsed

Selfish

Egotistical 

I really don't like having to deal with him

So I try and avoid him at all costs

But I know that is going to cause problems in the future 

I just hope I can continue to see Coco 

As that pony is part of my life now 

I'm too attached to walk away now

I feel a bit restless at the moment 

I want to do something 

Like get another piercing or tattoo

Or dye my hair a mad colour 

Pink would be nice 

But I don't think work would appreciate that 

I'm doing my best to save some money this summer 

It's not easy when you are as impulsive as I am

I swear I have my wages spent before I even get them!

I sincerely hope that all of you are doing ok

Do comment and let me know you are there

I'm off to make a cuppa

See you on the next post...

Work, worries and a tough time

I bring you this post a very sad Ruby

Sad about nothing 

And everything

Where to start?

I started work last week

I am undecided as to how it is going 

All I know is that I've been fighting back tears recently 

I feel like I could fall apart at any moment 

Crumble to dust and blow away with the wind

Work is a welcome distraction

But I honestly don't know if I'm going to get through the summer without a major meltdown 

Also 

My car has been giving me so much trouble 

It's been in and out of the garage 

And no joy

I've thrown money at the problem which hasn't worked

It wouldn't start again today 

And it now sits over in the car hospital 

But I am doubtful she will pull through 

It might be time to cut my losses and change it

It's incredibly frustrating having an unreliable car

As well as that 

I've just been feeling pretty low

Like my life is going no where 

I called over to Coco today 

After not seeing him for a few days 

and I swear he was pissed off at me

He was pushy to the point of being aggressive 

It was like he didn't know me at all

Quite upsetting 

But I am assured by people in the know that he's entitled to be pissed off just like we are 

Also he could have picked up on my negative feelings I guess

But his owner is being a right difficult person to deal with

I really feel like people think that because I am quiet and gentle 

That I am a soft touch

And people can take advantage of me

I really need to learn to assert myself 

As it's no fun being a door mat

And then there is the chance that I will let all this tension build up and lose the head completely 

So I am trying to remain calm and collected 

It's not easy let me tell you 

For the last couple of months 

I've been really struggling with horse riding 

I've been getting really tired and really out of breath 

Which makes it not very enjoyable 

So I told my doctor 

Who did blood tests

The results came back that I had low iron 

Low vitamin B12

And low Folic acid

Anaemia in other words 

So I've been taking supplements and tonics 

Today I went horse riding 

And I was like a different girl 

I trotted and cantered around that arena no bother to me 

I thoroughly enjoyed it 

And didn't want it to end 

She didn't let me jump again today 

As she wants to take things slow 

Which is probably sensible 

But on the way back 

I was in the car with Fintan 

And I couldn't hold back the tears 

Even though I had a great lesson

I just felt overcome with sadness and hopelessness

Like my life was crumbling around me

I spoke to mother who was great as always 

She reminded me that I have come through far worse than this 

She looked me dead in the eye and told me with such conviction that I will be ok

I 

Will

Be 

Ok

I know I will be

But right now I am feeling low

and I have to acknowledge that

Of course my appetite is being affected by all this stress 

But I am doing my best to stay well in that department 

And God only knows how much I would love a cigarette right about now

He honestly don't know if this job is too much stress for me

I do like it 

But I worry about what people think of me

My co workers 

My manager 

The guests

There is a 16 year old working there too

And she was given a tip yesterday

Right in front of me 

Which really knocked my confidence

I've actually been thinking that I'm too sensitive 

Too delicate and fragile for the real world

I bruise so easily 

And can't help but feel like the class dunce 

My manager asked me how I was getting on so far 

I told her the truth 

She said I had no reason to worry 

That I was a breath of fresh air

That helped 

But only temporarily 

My confidence 

My self esteem

My ego

Has taken a few knocks recently 

And I don't know whether to plough ahead with work and ignore the issue 

Or leave and concentrate on getting well again

I feel tired 

I feel run down and knocked over by life

I just want to get in to bed and stay there forever

As well as all of that 

I don't know if I write about it 

But recently my Dad was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease

As you know 

My parents are separated 

And my Dad lives alone about 90 minutes away

He stays with us a good bit 

But his team want him to make a decision as to where he is going to live permanently

So they can adapt the house for him

It looks like he is going to move in here 

Which brings up a lot

My parents didn't separate because they had a happy marriage 

They split up almost twenty years ago

And we all moved here 

We left our home town for a fresh start 

And to put some distance between ourselves and him

Now we are going to be living together again

And let me tell you

It's. it easy 

My Dad is becoming very frail

He lives in his own little world 

Almost like he's regressed to being a child again

So this is a big change

A massive challenge

We are coping by taking each day as it comes

That's all we can do

But yes

I feel very low

And would only love up run in to the arms of anorexia, bulimia, heroin

Or even a cigarette

Something to just get out of my own head

And have a bit of peace

But look

I will be ok

I'm not ok right now 

But I will be

So many things have run through my head this week

I can go from zero to suicidal at top speed 

My life is not hard compared to some people 

But I have come through a lot

and sometimes I feel so tired of life 

So weary 

Like I've lived ten lives already 

But what can I do only keep going 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep fighting

As my Mam said 

I've weathered bigger storms than this 

I'm made of strong stuff

I will be ok...

Work

Some how

It is May

Summer is just around the corner

I seem to have blinked and missed spring

Work starts next week

And I am beyond anxious

I am terrified

No exaggeration 

I've been counting down the days 

Willing myself to find the courage to press on

I'm not entirely sure why I'm in such a bad way about it all

I don't remember feeling this way last year

But I was a newbie then

This year I am wondering if more will be expected of me because I was there last summer

And I'm putting huge pressure on myself

So let's break it down 

Why am I so bloody anxious?

There are many reasons 

I've gained weight

What will people think?

What if I fuck up?

What if I can't handle it and I curl up in to a ball right there in the middle of the centre?

What if I lose my confidence and become paralysed with fear?

What if I forget to do something like turn off the gas and I burn the place down?

I swear 

I could go on like this all day long 

Inventing anxiety provoking situations 

The thing is 

Historically 

I have enjoyed this work 

The people 

The guests 

The buzz of a working kitchen

The banter 

Or the craic as we say here in Ireland

I had come to the point where I thought I wouldn't be able to do this

That I would have to pull out retreat to a dark room to lick my wounds 

But then today 

I got a phone call

It was Mary 

She had some great news about more people being trained to work in the ED services in this area

She also won an award for the fantastic work she does

I told Mary about my impending job and the overwhelming anxiety and fear

She was her usual calm self 

Reminded me that I am more than capable 

To take deep breathes 

To be kind to myself 

After a short conversation

I felt a whole lot better 

Suddenly I had an injection of self belief straight innto my jugular 

Suddenly work didn't seem so scary 

Because in all reality 

It's only for three months 

It's not rocket science 

It's hard work 

But it's not complicated 

I feel able to do it 

I want to do it

I can do it 

I will do it 

In other news 

I was horse riding yesterday 

My trainer has taken it easy on me the last couple of weeks 

After the fall off Coco 

No jumping which was disappointing 

But I know I will get back there 

I am always in such a rush to get everywhere 

Always ten steps ahead of myself 

I do not possess the virtue of patience

Not at all 

Coco is doing great 

He is thriving in the good weather 

And fresh grass

It's now been four month since I started visiting him

He is coming on so well

Back in January 

He was a scared and lonely pony

Now he is confident and cheeky 

And full of fun

He has found a friend in Lea 

He lives her so much and follows her everywhere bless him

Now Coco wears his head collar with pride 

Walks with a lead rope 

And picks up his feet

Which is great as the farrier is coming saturday to do his hooves

I am trying to post photos 

But the app won't let me for some reason

Honey and Lea are good 

Lea is going a bit deaf which is sad 

But she is a happy wee thing

Honey now calls over to my neighbour looking for food 

Which is so funny as she walks around lily she owns the place

Anyway

Just a short post for a quick update 

See you on the flip side...

Falling in every sense of the word

I'm making a concerted effort to blog more

So here I am 

There is so much going on at the moment 

Coco and trying to care for him

I start work in two weeks which I'm very anxious about 

My Dads health isn't great 

He was recently diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease 

And he spends a lot of time staying with us

As you may know my parents are separated

So that makes for interesting dynamics

As well as all that 

I did something really stupid on Monday 

I was over in the field with Coco and his owner 

We had just brought Coco for a walk down the lane 

And were back in the field 

Cocos owner suggested that I get up on his back 

And Miss Easily Led over here decided that was a good idea

He gave me a leg up 

And I was on his back

He was ok for a few seconds 

Then he seemed to spook and bucked and I came off

I landed on my right side and hopped my head off the ground 

I waited to feel pain

But all I could feel was utter shock 

I knelt on the ground with my head on my knees hoping I had done no damage 

But I was ok

The only thing that was hurt was my pride 

So as you can imagine 

I am feeling rather stupid 

I woke up the next morning with pain all down my right side

But it's easing and no permanent damage was done 

I went riding yesterday 

And told my trainer what had happened 

She was pretty gobsmacked that I could be so stupid 

She is also encouraging me to step back from the whole Coco situation 

It's tough because I have built up a relationship with the pony 

And he's become part of my day 

Part of my life 

Part of my little animal family 

So to walk away would break my heart 

It really would 

But my being thrown off was solely my fault 

And his owners fault

After the fall

I had to get on the back of a motor bike 

To be brought back to my car

And then drove the half hour home 

Which now that I think about it was pretty stupid

I could have had concussion or worse

Could have blacked out

I've had different reactions from everyone I've told 

Some are shocked 

Some think it's all part of looking after a pony 

Some think I should back off

The thing is though 

That Coco has come on so much recently 

He's a different pony to the one I met back in January 

I just need to slow down a bit 

As you may know 

I am a person of extremes 

All or nothing 

I go from zero to 100 in jig time 

So maybe I just need to put the brakes on 

And pace myself a bit 

In other news 

My anxiety at the moment is really effecting my food and my appetite 

Which is bad as with all the activity I'm doing I need energy 

It's just very hard to eat when your stomach is in knots 

And your head is a mess of negative thoughts 

I'm hoping that once I start work 

The anxiety will ease 

And things will level out 

Hopefully 

I don't know about you 

But I find social media quite anxiety provoking too

I use FB and a particular FB group

And every time I post 

I am worrying what people think

What will they say?

I mostly get positive feedback 

But there is always one person who can be on the nasty side 

But I guess that's what you get when you put your life out there for others to see and judge

You have to take the rough with the smooth

Anyway

I hope y'all are doing ok

I hope your week is going better than mine..

May

Hello friends

I don't know how many of you still check my blog

God knows I haven't been the best blogger

This blog celebrates five years on the last day of April

And it was a chance to reflect on everything that has happened during those years 

In some ways it seems like one hundred years 

In other ways it feels like five minutes

As you know well

Eating Disorders and addictions are all encompassing 

You eat, sleep and breathe it

You think about it 

Talk about it 

Write about it 

It's like having a full time job with no days off

My own ED is in quite a good place 

I don't restrict 

And although I haven't eradicated the purging completely 

It's a lot better than it was

It's the exception rather than he rule

But because an ED or addiction takes up so much time abd energy

When you begin to let it go

There is a huge void left 

And it has to be filled with something healthy and positive if you want any chance of staying well

For myself 

I tried many things to fill the void

Meds 

Religion

Meetings 

Shopping 

Stuff

But the only thing that really works for me 

Is being with and working with animals 

Namely my dogs  

Coco 

Horse riding 

And equine assisted therapy

I visit Coco every morning with my dogs 

And I have developed such a lovely bond with him

Two weeks ago

I got a head collar on him for the first time 

Which was a huge milestone 

And an indicator that he is starting to trust me

Now I am teaching him to walk on a lead rope

Also to pick up his feet

As he is seeing the farrier next week

It's a work in progress

But I am loving every second of it

Coco has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 

To a happy cheeky little man 

He is full of fun

And never fails to make me smile 

We think he has a little crush on Lea

As he loves her 

And follows her everywhere 

It's so lovely to watch them together

Best buddies

In other news

I still go riding on a Tuesday and Wednesday 

And third week I did my first jump in canter!

Which I just loved and can't wait to do some more 

I am loving riding at the moment 

And really feel like I am making progress which is a great feeling

I also start work at the end of the month

I must admit 

I feel very anxious thinking about it 

And feel like running in the opposite direction 

I will take it one day at a time 

And see how I go

There is a possibility I could get work in a  stables for the summer months 

To be honest I would rather take that work 

I'll know next week

So I'll make a decision then

What else?

Body image continues to be a battle 

I am now a very healthy weight

But am still getting used to th curves and shapes 

Trying to dress my body to make the most of it 

It's not easy 

And sometimes I think about restricting 

But I figure it is just not worth it 

I would rather be healthy and happy 

Rather than skinny and miserable 

And now I realise that it's not just about me

My staying well has a ripple meffect to everyone around me 

Also I have two dogs and a pony that depend on me

I need to be fit and well to look after them the best that I can 

So I just wanted to check back in

And show you and let you know that there is life after EDs and addiction

If you are struggling 

If you are drowning 

If you feel like there is no hope for you

I am here to tell you this there is hope 

There is absolutely hope 

I am walking talking proof of that 

If you have read my blog

You will know the shit story was my life 

I really thought I was a worthless piece of crap

But now I know that I am a good person 

And in my own little way I am making a difference 

Spreading a message of hope and recovery 

Living my life as an open book in the hope that my story will help someone 

And spare them some of the pain that I went through

For me

The trick was finding something that captured my attention 

And gave me a reason to stay well

A reason to get up in the morning

A raison d'etre

Because when you find something you are passionate about 

Something that warms your heart 

Stimulates your mind 

And feeds your soul

Then that is worth living for 

That is worth staying well for 

I truly hope you are al doing ok

I think of you often 

I willl always think fondly of my little blogger family 

And I will neve forget you 

Please let me know if you are out there 

If you at reading 

Writing 

Let me know you exist 

Much love,

Ruby

180

I read somewhere recently

That if something in your life is bother you 

You have three options 

Change it

Ignore it

Or accept it

This really spoke to me as if you read my last post you will know I've been struggling with body image

To cut a long story short 

With regard to my weight

I've decided to accept it

Changing it is too risky 

And I have too much to lose

I can't ignore it as it's my body

So accept it it is

The end

Easter

Hello fellow bloggers and readers

I've been meaning to update here for the last couple of weeks

But am just getting around to it now

Life is busy 

I am busy 

I'm in a very different place in my ED and recovery 

My ED now takes up so little space that it's quite insignificant

I don't restrict

I don't binge 

Purging is the exception rather than the norm

The only think I am kind upset about 

Is yes you've guessed it

My weight 

I don't know what I weigh as I don't weigh myself 

But I'm pretty sure that I am the biggest I've even been 

My clothes feel tighter 

I feel like I take up a lot of space 

And I am generally quite uncomfortable 

My diet is not great 

And I've been eating a lot of junk food 

And just today a member of my family told me that I am gaining weight 

My first thought was to starve myself in to submission

That didn't last long 

As I don't want to go down that route again

But I do need to do something 

Not only to lose a bit of weight 

But to be healthy 

And to have sufficient energy for all the things I want to do

Despite my weight 

I feel quite happy and content 

I see Coco every day 

And he continued to be the highlight of my day

He is such a funny wee man

Full of personality and character

I can't believe how attached I have become to him

It's threee months now since I started to. Is it him

He has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 

To being relaxed, confident and happy

More often than not my dogs come with me when I visit Coco 

And they are all good pals

It's so lovely to watch them 

I am in pure heaven when I'm in the field with them all

I can't wait for the weather to improve 

So I can spend long lazy days over with Coco

I can't tell you how much he has helped me in the last three months 

I now bounce out of bed in the morning 

Knowing I am going to see him

It gets me out of the house

Out in to the fresh air

I've never slept as well as I am at the moment 

Yes 

There is no doubt in my mind 

That pony saved me

And I saved him too

So 

The plan with my food 

Is to cut out the junk for the moment 

Eat a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner 

More exercise 

I must stress 

This is it a diet 

As it's not a temporary thing 

This needs to be my lifestyle 

My life 

At the moment I feel bloated and swollen 

My clothes are straining 

And I feel very uncomfortable 

I would like to lose about 15 pounds 

And I will still be comfortably in the healthy weight for my height category 

And before you say this sounds dodgy

And I'm meeting trouble half way 

I have no desire to be stick thin or underweight 

I just want to feel good in my skin

I just want to be healthy and happy 

And I'm not being a sucker thinking weight loss will make me happy 

But I do want to feel comfortably in myself 

And I don't at the moment

Because I was eating a lot of junk food 

And no proper food at all

It's no wonder I am gaining 

And probably lucky I have not gained more 

I have to say though 

I am finding junk food much harder to give up than I did cigarettes 

I guess it's so accessible 

And the least harmful 

So it's easier to grab than say a cigarette or a drink or a drug

However 

I will persevere 

As I always do

In other news 

I have my job back again this summer 

So I will be starting late May time 

I have mixed feelings about the job

I'm grateful to have it back again 

And to be offered it again is fantastic 

I'm just a bit worried that I will get anxious again 

And struggle to go in in the morning 

The way I was with my course

Also I'm worried I won't see as much of Coco 

But part of the reason I am working is for him

And to get him a companion 

But there will be a cap on how many hours I can do 

Between 20-24

So I'm just hoping and praying that it all goes smoothly 

As I really enjoyed it last year 

It was such a lovely place to work 

And the people were just great 

Both guests and staff

I made friends 

I made money 

And it gave me a sense of responsibility 

When I do something 

I like to do it right 

I'm probably a perfectionist at heart 

But as my sister says 

Done is better than perfect 

How true is that?

In other other news 

My brother published his first novel last month 

It is called Ithaca

We had a great time launching it in style and celebrating his success

We are all very proud of him

I don't know how many of you are still reading and writing 

I am hoping there are a few of us left 

I tend to use Facebook more these days 

As it's quick and easy 

I don't always have the energy or the inclination to write a whole blog post 

Not knowing if anyone is reading 

So 

Thoughts on losing weight in recovery?

I'd love to know what you think

Answers on a postcard please...

Back? Maybe?

I miss you guys

I miss writing 

I'm on a Facebook group about horses and people seem genuinely interested in mine and Cocos story

So am thinking I might continue our story on this blog

And then she got a pony!

Anyone out there interested in reading about us

Do let me know

I notice my statistics are still quite high

So I would love to know if you are interested because I know I would love to continue writing

Yay or nay people?

5 Years on...

Next month

I celebrate 5 years blogging

It's hard to believe 

So much has happened in those years 

And every bit of it documented 

It's been an emotional roller coaster 

So many ups and downs

Highs and lows 

Recovery and relapse

In to treatment 

Trying to recover from home 

Addiction issues 

Holidays 

Courses 

Relationships 

My dogs

Coco 

And my life now 

Where I am quite happy and content 

I hate to write this 

And part of me is really fighting this 

But I think my blog is coming to a natural end 

For many reasons

Blogger seems very dead

There is no buzz about it the way there used to be

 I'm now using Facebook more 

And my own Facebook page 

I don't use blogger half as much as I used to

So I think it's time to slip away quietly 

Of course this is not goodbye

I will still keep in touch with you all

That is not chsnging

But I will no longer be updating here 

Life is shooting forward at light speed 

And I can barely keep up

A lot of times I don't have the time to sit down and write a lengthy post

Things with my ED have also moved on

I don't restrict 

Purging is a rarity

I don't weigh myself 

I don't deny myself food 

My ED I'd gradually becoming part of my past 

Not my present 

So I just wanted to take this opportunity 

To thank you all

For your comments 

Your kindness

Your thoughtful words

Your patience 

Thank you for being there 

For reading 

For listening 

For gently guiding me 

For never giving up on me 

For believing in me 

Thank you for becoming part of my story 

For loving  me even though I hated myself 

Thank you for your advice 

Your wise words and sage suggestions 

For being a good friend 

For telling me what I needed to hear rather than what I wanted to hear 

Thank you for taking my story in to your hearts 

For sending me love from the four corners of the world 

Thank you for letting me cry 

For making me laugh

For allowing me to be myself 

For accepting me

For being the voice of reason

Thank you for reminding me that I am unique 

That I am lovable 

And that I am not a bad person

Thank you for never giving up on me 

For providing a safe place for me to fall

For forming a supportive community of ED sufferers 

You girls saved my life and my sanity over and over again

Thank you 

I love you 

I will never forget you

If you want to stay in touch 

Please email me 

Andthenshedisappeared@yahoo.ie

We can Facebook or whatever suits you

Xxxxxx

Facebook

https://m.facebook.com/The-adventures-of-one-girl-two-dogs-and-a-pony-called-Coco-1444045862286398/

Still here...

Yes

I am still here 

I know 

I'm not terribly active here on blogger anymore

But I do like to check in once in a while

So 

I've had a busy week to say the least

Mary had asked me to do some media interviews as part of EDAW

So I did two radio interviews

And two newspaper interviews

I have to tell you

It was a scary business

But I think they went well

I really did my best 

And I wanted to do for all ED sufferers out there

And for you 

Monday I did Ocean FM

Which was live in the studio

At one point I went completely blank 

Couldn't remember what I was doing

Or saying 

 Couldn't even remember my own name 

But I think I managed to pick it up again without too much dead air

The interviewer was lovely 

And Mary and my Mam  were there

I couldn't ask for better support

It lasted about 15 minutes 

And I did my best to get everything in to the interview 

Of course when it was over 

I thought of all the things I could have said 

But look

It's done now 

After the interview on Monday 

We picked up the newspaper I featured in

I went in to the shop

And there I was on the front page

I nearly died

And immediately became super self conscious 

Theng there was a big photo of myself and Mary on page 11

Oh my God it was a very strange experience seeing myself in print

Then on Tuesday 

I had an interview on Shannonside FM

Which was over the phone

Again I was very nervous 

At one point I mentioned my blog 

And the interviewer asked me for the name of it

I didn't know what to say 

So I said I would tell him after the interview 

He didn't push the issue after that 

I was so relieved to have all the interviews over with 

I probably will never know if I helped anyone 

I know in the days following 

Two girls presented to Mary having heard my interviews

That in itself is amazing!

To know I made a difference 

And my story mattered

On Wednesday 

I went horse riding 

And we had the final day of our course 

So they did a little graduation ceremony 

And we got certs and ribbons

So lovely 

I am thoroughly enjoying horse riding again 

I wish I could do more of it

I know now that I made the right decision leaving my course 

I have no doubt about that 

In other news 

You might have seen that I made a Facebook page for me, my dogs and Coco

Being a bit of a technophobe 

I am still trying to navigate my way through it 

I don't know how to share the link here 

So if someone could let me know 

I would be hella grateful

But yes 

My relationship with Coco continues to blossom

I love that little pony so much 

He brings so much happiness to my life 

Bit by bit 

He has relaxed around me 

And is letting his personality shine 

He is such a character 

A cheeky monkey 

One of his favourite things to go is pull my hat off my head 

And play with it in his mouth

He also likes to run around like a complete lunatic 

He drinks tea 

He rolls around 

We play chase 

And generally have a lot of fun

I am now taking charge of feeding him

And more interest I show in him

The more his owner stands back 

So I'm not really sure what is happening 

But I'm too attached now to walk away

In other news

I booked a day photographer to come and take photos of me and the dogs and Coco

We are going to do it in the field 

It costs €90 everything included

So I think that's pretty good going 

Can't wait to share them with you 

Anyway

That's all from me today 

Hope you are all doing ok

And if someone could please tell me how to share the link to my page 

I will love you forever....

On the radio....

It's been a busy week

Last Monday did an interview with a local newspaper 

About my story 

And it bring EDAW 

It was very timely 

I did my best 

And I did it for all ED sufferers

Whether you are in the midst of your illness 

Or in recovery 

I did it for you 

The newspaper came out today 

It was a good article 

And both mine and Mary's main points were covered 

Today I did an interview on local radio

Which was an experience let me tell you 

Again Mary was with me 

And we both got through it 

At times I looked to Mary for support 

And she would give me a little wink to let me know I was doing ok 

I have to tell you 

It was nerve wrecking 

And I was a bit of a nervous wreck 

Sitting in the studio

Waiting for my cue

Was pretty terrifying 

But once I started to speak

I was ok

T he interviewer was very good 

And had obviously done some research about the subject

At one point

After he had asked a question

I am went completely blank

I couldn't remember the question

What I was talking about

And what the fell was going on

But somehow I managed to pick it up again

And I don't think it was noticed 

In the middle of the interview 

One of my friend texted in to the show 

And I have him a shout out which was funny

I really did my best though 

And try to cover the main points 

Dispel the myths 

And advice for people who are struggling 

All too soon 

It was over 

And the relief was massive 

I was glad just to have got through it 

And I hope it goes somewhat to help others who are suffering 

Tomorrow I have another interview on radio

And then I am finished thank God

I am not cut for this craic

It's exhausting 

But so worth doing 

I got some feedback after the interview 

It was all very positive 

And great to hear people's thoughts 

Helping people with an ED can be a minefield 

What do you say?

What do you not say?

When do you play good cop?

And when do you play bad cop?

I think you have to judge each case individually 

Sometimes it's appropriate to be gentle 

And sometimes stronger words are needed

I guess I am in the position now that I've seen the benefits of recovery 

And I know there is no need to suffer 

So it can be frustrating to watch someone self destruct again and again

I can only imagine what my family went through over the years 

Endless patience is a must when dealing with EDs

Look

I am no poster girl for recovery 

I make mistakes every single day 

I say the wrong thing

Do the wrong thing

But I know that my heart is in the right place 

And I just want the best for those around me

Anyway

I missed Coco today

Am going straight over to see him tomorrow adternoon

And tell him all about my adventures 

Because he has been part of my recovery too

He's part of the jigsaw puzzle that is my life and my recovery

If you would like to listen to the interview

You can find it on line 

Google Ocean FM

And look for the podcasts and Ruth's story

Yes 

Now you know my real name 

But if you get a chance 

Have a listen

I'd love to know what you think...

EDAW

As you may know

Eating Disorders Awareness Week starts the 27th February running until March 5th

Mary contacted me last week

To ask me if I would be interested in doing a couple of interviews with local press

So today I did a phone interview with a local newspaper 

It was all done on speaker phone 

And Mary was interviewed too

I hope we did a good job

As I'm very aware when doing these things that I am speaking for our whole community 

The interviewer was lovely 

Very kind and gentle 

And asked very intelligent questions 

Not just looking for the gory details 

I was quite a nervous nelly this morning 

But I was delighted to do something that might help others in the same situation

The press officer for our national health service gave a press release today 

And I was asked to supply a quote

I write a few lines about the myths surrounding EDs

And encouraged those suffering to reach out and seek help

Also

I am doing an interview on local radio next Monday morning 

That will be challenging as it will be live 

But again 

I am privileged to be speaking for our community 

I don't know if these publications will be on line 

But I will certainly keep you posted

I was away this weekend 

And I missed my dogs and Coco something serious 

Can't wait to see Coco tomorrow

And it will be intetesting to see how he reacts when he sees me

I spoke this morning about how much animals have helped in my recovery 

My dogs 

My horse riding 

Coco

They are a huge part of my life now

And really make life worth living 

Must dash

Just wanted to let you know about EDAW

See you in the next post....

The next chapter...

Recently

I have been feeling that my blog is coming to a natural end

It's five years now since I started writing 

And it felt like it might be time to stop

Where once I relied so much on this blog

And the people here 

Now I am living life 

And don't rely on it as much 

As well as that 

Blogger is so very quiet 

And i tend to use Facebook more

So I had been thinking about writing my last post

When it occurred to me

I can still write 

But instead of focusing on my eating disorder and addiction

I can write about what's happening for me now 

Because there is lots happening

I'm in a group on Facebook called Friendly Horse Chat 

And that's mostly where I post now

I asked the lovely people there 

If they would be interested in reading my blog 

And I got a great response 

So I will share the link with them

In other words 

I'm not going anywhere 

Just taking a different path

I'm away for the weekend 

And I have to be honest with you 

I am missing Coco something serious 

I usually spend my Saturday with him 

So I feel a bit lonely for him

I know it's only two days 

But I don't feel right until I get my daily dose of Coco

We went to a musical last night 

And I spent the interval watching videos of him

Yes 

I have  it bad 

I love that little guy so much

And I will probably text his owner today to see how he is 

But of course I'm missing the dogs too

That goes without saying 

Things are going well with Coco

He even got me a Valentine's rose 

I know it was from Cocos owner 

But we will pretend it was from Coco 

I think I am making progress with him 

He seems quite comfortable around me now 

And has no problem thoroughly investigating me every time I visit him

I usually bring Lea or both dogs with me 

And we all run around the field like lunatics

I love to see Coco having fun

Running and bucking and frolicking 

It's such a lovely sight

I am learning like a complete looper running around the field 

But I really enjoy it 

And that is the main thing

In other news 

I've done four weeks of my horse course now 

Two more to go

I'm loving it 

And even though it's mostly stuff I've done before 

It's great to go over it again

The last few weeks I've been in a new riding group

With two other girls 

We all canter so I guess it makes sense to put us together 

I am thoroughly enjoying riding again 

My confidence had been knocked in my course before Christmas 

But I feel I am back feeling good again 

The last two weeks 

I've been on a new horse called Leroy

Who is a big boy

But a gentle giant with it

It's been so exciting riding a new horse 

And it feels like it just works 

Like it's all coming together 

I've also been thinking about the horsemanship course I was doing

And I think I'd like to go back to it at some point 

I feel like I have unfinished business there 

But 

I will wait and see what happens 

Life has been taking me on such unexpected journeys recently 

So I'm excited to see what happens next

Life is good at the moment 

I feel happy and content 

I spend my days with the animals in my life 

And I just love it!

So yes 

I am sticking around for the moment 

I would have to stop writing this blog 

As it has been a life line over the years 

And back a few years ago 

Blogger was buzzing 

And it was really exciting to be part of it 

Now it is so quiet 

Which is a shame 

But I guess like me 

People have gone in to use other social media 

Like Facebook and Instagram

If you are interested 

I am goon to keep writing 

And let you know about my recovery rather than my illness 

Or if there is anything you would like me to write about in particular 

Do let me know 

Eating Disorders Awareness Week is coming up soon 

My counsellor Mary has asked me to do a couple of interviews with local newspapers and radio stations 

Which I will do 

I was also contacted my a journalist from a national tabloid newspaper and asked to do an interview 

I am unsure whether to do it or not 

As they have already asked for photos 

And I'm pretty sure they will be after the gory details like numbers, food diaries etc

But in fairness 

The journalist who contacted me has been quite tactful 

And says she wouldn't want me to do the interview if it would hinder my recovery 

I said I would think about it over the weekend 

But I was wondering what you guys thought 

Have you ever done an interview?

If you were me 

Would you do it?

I am very reluctant to give photos 

But I would be willing to give a head shot of when I was ill

I don't think I would be comfortable sharing a full body shot

Anyway 

I  would love to know your thoughts

Also before I go 

Hello and welcome to all my new readers!

I hope you get something from my blog and it's a pleasure to have your company 

Happy Saturday everyone!

See you on the next post!