'Tell me why I don't like Mondays'

I can't quite believe how quickly the weeks are flying in

Monday seems to come around so very quickly

The days can be long 

But they don't be long adding up

As usual

I was in the doctors first thing this morning

Today

Topics included

The Oscars

Making films 

Horses and how my doctor is afraid of them 

Last week 

It being EDAW

I told my doctor that I would bring him in something to read 

The something being the piece I wrote for the ED convention back in 2013

So I gave him said piece 

And told him it was something to read on his coffee break

He seemed excited to read it 

I don't know why I haven't given it to him before now 

I guess that piece is precious to me 

And my doctor being an avid reader 

I was worried about what he would think of it and my writing 

I haven't let many people read it

I mean yes

I read it out at the convention

And I have it up in my blog 

But they are strangers 

Letting people I know read it is another matter 

But anyway 

He has it now 

I'll be interested to see what he makes of it

From a medical point of view 

And from a literary point of view 

He took it from me 

And placed it beside his computer

As I left 

It was all I could do not to reach across him and snatch it back

And run out of the room

But 

I think it might give him an insight in to the mind of a person with an ED

I mean of course he knows the medical side of things 

And I guess that's his job 

The head and mind stuff is up to the psych team 

Anyway 

He has it now 

It will be I interesting to see what he makes of it next week

After my weekly dose of doctor 

I headed up to the pharmacy 

Handed over my script 

Then decided to head over to the bank to see how little money I have for the week

I checked my balance 

Which was just enough to see me through the next few days 

Then began walking back to the pharmacy 

It was a bitterly cold morning 

With a sharp wind

I pulled my coat around me 

And took my gloves out of my pocket 

As I fought the wind 

And tried to put my gloves on 

I managed to drop one 

And it being a windy day

It took off down the street

I had no choice but to run after it

Every time I got close to it

It was whipped out of my grasp by the wind 

It was a wild goose chase

There I was sprinting down the street after my wayward glove

I got quite a few funny looks

Eventually 

I made a huge leap

Like an Olympic long jumper

And landed on the glove 

Feeling very pleased with myself that I had managed to catch it

In other news

I am getting my next piercing done on Friday 

My sister is going to come with me

And I am super excited!

I am think that getting my labret pierced is going to be much more painful than my nose 

But I am ready for it 

And anyway

The pain only lasts a second 

So I will pull up my big girl pants 

And suck it up

But I am really looking forward to getting it done

It's like buying a new item of clothing 

Something to make me feel good about myself 

My poor Mother is horrified at the prospect of another piercing 

She pleads with me not to get it done 

I tell her she will get used to it 

Just like my nose 

She said that she tolerates my nose ring at best 

Like a typical mother 

She says to me 

'You're going to ruin your beautiful face'

But I feel it will enhance my face 

And make for an interesting feature to my face 

Like a feature wall in a living room

Or something to that effect

I am becoming increasingly worried about my teeth 

As you know 

I had a lot of very labour intensive and expensive work done on my teeth last year 

And because my purging has increased again in recent months 

I fear my teeth may fall in to ruin

Just like my real teeth did

Every time I purge 

I promise myself that this will be the last time 

But it never is 

I continue to purge 

To put my body under huge stress

And my teeth being washed with stomach acid 

Every time I throw up

It's a worry

And a huge incentive to stop purging

But like any addiction

It's nigh on impossible to stop

I need to do it though 

Before it damn well kills me 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

If you have experienced bulimia

What helped you to stop purging?

How did you stop?

And how did you stay stopped?

Any tips or advice much appreciated....

Storm in a C cup and other stories.....

Remember back when I got my chest measured properly in a proper bra shop?

My first time ever to be correctly measured

And Remember I was told I was a 34 DD?

And I could barely believe it

Remember how I bought two very grown up proper bras?

And I was quite proud of my assets

Well

Said bras no longer fit me 

Which makes me sad

Why is it 

That when ever I lose weight

I lose if from the areas that need it most 

My boobs

My bum 

And always lose it from places that I don't want to

Like my face 

Id say I am now a 32 C 

Going by how the bras fit 

I've also been going through my wardrobe

And trying on clothes to see what fits 

And what doesn't

I have so many lovely items 

That are now way too big for me

And that is a damn shame 

As well as an incentive to gain a little 

My weight has stayed static for the last month 

I've neither lost nor gained 

And my BMI hovers around the same number 

But the truth is 

I can afford to gain a few kilos 

And still be pretty slim 

Weight loss just isn't important at the moment 

I rang my local piercing studio today

To inquire about getting my labret done 

The piercer is only there on a Friday 

So I'm going to go for it 

I think it's time 

Time for another piercing 

I love my nose ring 

I think it adds something interesting to my face 

My Mum hates it

And is pleading with me not to get another one 

But it's falling on deaf ears 

I just really want to get it done 

I also inquired about getting wings tattooed on my shoulder blades

The girl I spoke to estimated it would cost around €300

So I won't be getting that done any time soon

But 

It's something to think about 

And to look forward to

For me 

Recovery is finding healthy ways to meet the needs that drugs met

Relaxation

Confidence 

Self esteem 

Fun 

Escapism 

All the things that drugs provide 

For a while at least

So I guess my meetings 

Horse riding 

Writing 

And my dogs 

All fulfil these needs 

And even better than drugs and alcohol and my ED did

And of course 

The fun thing is

That I can find more and more activities to make me feel content and happy

I can try new things 

Learn new things 

Meet new people 

The possibilities are endless!

Recovery means freedom

Free from the chains that my ED and addiction held me in

It means feeling free to eat 

To enjoy it

And to keep it down 

Recovery means eating until I am full

Not over or under eating

It means allowing myself to eat a rich and varied diet 

And not feel guilty 

Recovery means allowing my body to find its own natural set point 

And not constantly trying to lose weight and be smaller 

Recovery means peace of mind 

Contentment 

Serenity

It means I am enough 

Just the way I am

Not looking for others approval 

It means knowing that I am a good person

And I am doing the best that I can

Recovery means really living life 

Laughing until you cry 

Late nights watching movies with my mum and sister 

It means eating food At the table 

And having a conversation 

Recovery means feeling the fear and doing it anyway 

And knowing that I will feel great afterwards 

It means being happy in my own company 

But being sociable when I want to 

It means helping others through my story and my writing 

It means passing on recovery to others 

And sharing what helps 

And what works 

Recovery means asking for help when we need it

Talking it out over a cuppa and a slice of cake

It means feeling good enough

And not lesser or better than anyone else 

It means finding things that you love 

Work 

Hobbies 

Pets 

Whatever that may be 

Recovery means choosing to live

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

What does recovery mean to you?

Are you in recovery?

Is it everything you thought it would be?

What are the best and worst parts about recovery

Answers on a postcard please.....

'We never go out of style'

When it comes to clothes and shoes and accessories 

I like to think that I have my own little style going on

As you know

I am a hoody, jeans and trainers type of girl 

I am partial to a little skirt or dress from time to time 

 But most of the time 

I wear whatever feels right for that day

Comfort is the number one thing for me 

If I'm not comfortable in an item

I won't wear it

But these days 

It's a lot easier to be true to your own style and be comfortable 

I remember growing up in my teenage years 

Trying to find out what I was all about 

Who I was 

And how I fit in to the world amongst my peers 

I tried all sorts of styles 

Urban hippy 

Gothic

Preppy 

But I never felt comfortable in any of them

Then of course came the drug years 

So clothes were not on my radar at all 

It was only when I got clean

That I began to express an interest in clothes and how I looked 

For the first time in my life

I began to care about how I presented myself to the world 

What sort of message I was conveying through my clothes and appearance 

I discovered that I liked the surfer look

Cool hoodies 

Boyfriend jeans 

And different types of trainers 

Even though I have never in my life even touched a surf board 

I still love the style 

It's laid back 

Colourful 

And above all

Comfortable 

Foot wear is the same too

Comfort is paramount 

I a size 5 

Pretty average for my height 

I tend to wear mostly flats 

And only wear heels on a special occasion 

I love trainers 

Roxy being my favourite 

I also love Toms 

Which are little canvas slipons 

Great for the dry warm weather of summer 

I also love New Balance trainers 

Which are very popular at the moment 

The nearest good shopping town  to me is a couple of hours away

Our town has really sufferered as a result of the recession 

So many shops have closed down 

In some parts 

It's like a ghost town

So

Most of the time 

I do my shopping online 

As it's just so handy 

These days I can't afford many new clothes 

But I'm always on the look out for a good bargain

I'm not really a jewellery person 

But I do like silver 

And have a beautiful cameo pendant that my Dad gave me for my birthday one year

I used to wear a ring on every finger

Now I don't wear any 

Not even a watch 

I just don't like the feel of it

And I inevitably end up losing it also

I am not really in to perfume either 

I mean I like a nice scent 

But it's not something I would ever buy for myself 

I do like a pretty scarf 

But in regard to make up

I am hopeless with it

I don't wear it very often 

Mans when I do 

It is often applied badly 

It's something that I would love to learn more about 

To be able to make the most of my face 

Some people are great at that 

I however, am somewhat handicapped in that area

Hair 

I am hating my hair at the moment 

I am thinking about dyeing it a nice chestnut brown 

Or else going for a really cropped blonde look

I just feel like something different 

A change 

To shake things up a bit

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Are you a dedicated follower of fashion?

How would you describe your style?

What are your go to outfits?

What else do you do to enhance your appearance?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Star

I'm just on my way home from my second horse riding lesson

I've been looking forward to it all week

My Mum drove today

The morning was frosty 

So we had to take a bit of a detour to get to the stables

The lesson was at 11 30am

So we left out house at 10 15am

And arrived just in time 

I was in with a group this week 

As opposed to last week

When it was a one on one session

Before we got saddled up

My Mum and I took a little walk around 

There was a beautiful miniature horse

I completely forgot to take a photo of him 

But he was just adorable 

Then it was my turn 

I was riding Star again today 

He is fast becoming my bestie

This week we mostly trotted 

And I was let go on my own 

I felt more confident this week 

It is just so enjoyable 

And there is a lovely atmosphere there 

People come 

And leave their troubles at the door

Have the craic

And forget about real life for a while 

I was a bit quieter today 

I always am around new people 

But I tried my best to be sociable and pleasant 

I'm hoping as I do more sessions 

That my confidence will grow 

Both around people 

And around the horses

Having something to look forward to 

Makes a huge difference to my whole world 

With out something you enjoy

What is the point of life?

And we make a day of it on a Wednesday 

After horse riding 

We go in to town

And go for something to eat 

Or do some shopping 

As I was leaving the stables today

Ailish, the lady in charge 

Said that if I ever want to hang around for a couple of hours

I can help them around the stables

I was delighted to hear this 

As it's something I would just love to do

Spending time with horses?

I don't need to be asked twice 

And now the weather is improving a bit 

It makes it a lot easier 

That's another thing to look forward to

It seems like things are beginning to fall in to place for me

I can remember as recently as Christmas feeling so very lost

I just didn't know where I was going 

Or what I was doing 

I remember my Mum saying to me one day 

That I looked like a lost soul

They was exactly the way I felt 

But now 

Now things are starting to turn around for me

Slowly but surely

As usual 

My bulimia is holding me back 

If I could just get the purging under control

I might have a fighting chance

I feel like I have a lot to live for now 

I'm building my own little life 

Doing my own little thing 

I used to always wait for people to suggest things 

Like going swimming 

Or going in to town 

I didn't have the confidence to do my own thing 

As I didn't think it counted if I suggested it 

I didn't think my opinion it thoughts mattered 

I guess being the youngest of four

I have always just fallen in with my older siblings 

And did what they did 

Now that I am fully grown adult 

The habits of a life time are hard to change 

I still tend to follow their lead 

But more and more 

I am finding my own occupation

My own hobbies and interests 

My own life 

Breda often speaks to me about self care 

You know 

Doing things for yourself 

To mind yourself 

To care for yourself 

Things you enjoy 

I am just starting to see how important that is now

Because now I have my own little thing going on

I have the horse riding 

My upcoming job

And meetings 

The last time I went to meetings 

I kind of depended on one person

If they were going to the meeting 

I would go 

But if they weren't 

I wouldn't go either

This time I'm trying to mix with many people 

So I'm not tied to the one person

And it feels so much better not to be dependent on anyone 

I go to my meetings 

I talk to everyone 

I go out of my way to speak to people who I usually wouldn't meet 

I suggest other meetings to go to

Next Monday

Myself and two of the ladies are going to a lunch time meeting up north

So I'm looking forward to that too

As I type this 

I am sitting in a car park outside a supermarket 

Waiting for my Mum who has gone to the bank

I feel content 

Satisfied 

I feel like I did something really good for myself today 

Something I enjoyed 

And is food for the soul 

I feel happy that I got out of the house 

That I got up early

Walked the dogs 

Got dressed

And headed to the equestrian centre 

Now I am heading home 

And I feel a warm glow inside

And that my friends

Is priceless...

Not giving in....

I watched an episode of Dr. Phil this morning

We were introduced to 15 year old Isabella and her mother 

Isabella had bulimia 

And also OCD

She blamed her illness in the fact that her mother mocked her for being slightly over weight 

And not exercising 

Isabella confessed to bingeing and purging multiple times a day 

She stole food

Used laxatives 

And was generally very low and depressed

The thing that bothered her most of all though 

Was the fact that she wasn't underweight

She was a healthy 120 pounds 

And she felt that people didn't think she was that bad 

Because she looked ok

She seemed healthy 

People presumed that because she wasn't severely underweight 

Then it couldn't be that serious 

Isabella was in a lot of distress

She spoke through sobs of tears

And felt bitter anger towards her mother

Incidentally 

Her mother also suffered from anorexia/bulimia when she was 15

You would think she would be more sympathetic 

But she just wasn't 

I can totally understand Isabella's pain 

It is a huge myth that every one who has an ED is underweight 

In fact most people suffering with an ED are of a perfectly healthy weight 

This can be confusing 

As we are all used to the images of anorexia 

Emaciated bodies 

With protruding bones 

And sunken cheeks 

The extreme pictures of desperately underweight people 

But in reality 

Those with an ED are more often than not 

In the healthy range 

Weight wise 

I know myself 

I've been every weight from 77 pounds to  130 pounds 

My weight rarely stands still 

It's constantly fluctuating 

Up and down 

But I was equally sick at all weights 

I remnember when I was in treatment 

People seemed to think that it was ok to pass remarks about your weight 

And of course the classic: You don't look like you have an ED

I finally found a good answer to that statement 

You don't look like you are depressed/anxious/suicidal 

It's the only way to deal with such comments 

I really felt for Isabella

She said she felt disgusting at the weight she is now 

Even though she was beautiful and articulate 

She felt like a big fat failure

I know this feeling 

When I was at my highest weight 

I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin

So disconnected from my body 

It didn't portray the way I felt on the inside 

To the world I was of a healthy weight

My eyes were bright 

My hair shiny

My skin with a healthy glow 

But on the inside 

I was dying

My outside did not match my inside 

I felt  so confused 

As it is Eating Disorders Awareness Week

I think it's important to address these issues 

And talk about them openly

In a lot of circles 

Bulimia is a dirty word

Anorexia gets a level of respect 

It is almost seen as tragically beautiful and romantic 

It is shocking to see an extremely underweight person 

And I think the overall feeling towards sufferers 

Is one of sympathy and pity

Bulimia on the other hand 

Is anorexias less popular cousin 

She conjours up images of greediness 

And vomit 

I mean who wants to admit that they spend a significant amount of time with their head in the toilet bowl 

Anorexia sufferers are seen an delicate, fragile 

Almost angelic 

Bulimia sufferers are seen as greedy and disgusting

And they never achieve the one thing they crave the most 

Thinness 

And that contributes to make one very miserable person

Three years ago 

I made a speech at an eating disorder conference in my towns

Mary asked me on the Tuesday

The conference was on the Thursday

Coincidentally 

I had written out my story the previous week

I wrote it thinking that no one would ever read it

It was honest and raw

I remember showing it to my Dad

And he said to read it out 

That is was perfect 

So 

That day 

I read out my story out in front of a ballroom full of professionals, sufferers and families 

I was beyond nervous 

My mother also spoke at this conference 

And we both got great feedback 

I remember Mary giving me a big hug 

And telling me she was proud of me

It was an amazing thing to do 

And something that makes me feel proud when I think about it 

I almost felt like it was my duty and responsibility to speak for our community 

And I really wanted to do you justice 

I wanted to tell my story 

Your story 

Our story 

EDs are such secretive illness

And I felt compelled to break the silence 

And tell people what our lives are really like 

I hope I did you proud 

This EDAW

I am trying to get back on track 

After a bumpy few months

This year I clocked up 15 years in the grip of this illness

But also a year in recovery 

I am doing my level best to get and stay healthy 

I am looking for other more healthy ways to maintain my peace of mind 

A healthy mind 

And a healthy body 

It's not easy 

But then anything ever worth having isn't 

I'm not giving up 

I have too much to lose 

Too much to look forward to 

For the first time in a long time 

I feel hopeful 

I feel there is a life for me beyond my ED and addiction

I'm not giving in 

Not yet

Not ever

Monday

Busy morning this morning

Doctor as usual first thing

On my way in 

I pass The Plumbers house 

In fact I pass his house at least twice a day

This morning he was just pulling out as I passed 

And was then directly behind me

I fought the urge to give him the finger 

And make rude gestures in the rear view mirror 

Thankfully 

He turned off at the next road

I think he has a new girlfriend though 

Because often when I pass 

There is a sporty little number parked outside his house 

My sister says it looks like a hairdressers car

How she works that out I'm not sure 

I'm not stalking them or anything 

I just happen to be an observant person...ahem

Anyway 

Enough about them 

Good luck to them 

They make a good team

She can cut his hair

And he can service her pipes

A match made inheaven

It was short and sweet today at the doctors

Just the way I like it 

I told him briefly about the horses

He told me he had forgotten to ring his sister for her birthday yesterday

I was out by 9 10am

And in the pharmacy waiting for my script at 9 15am

It's hard to believe that I've been going to my doctor for over ten years now 

Every Monday morning at the same time 

Same place

Same routine 

My weekly trips trips to the doctor have nothing to do with my ED

It's because I am on a methadone programme

They can't prescribe more than a week at a time 

As it is a controlled drug

And by rights 

I should be drug tested every week 

But my doctor rarely does this 

In a way 

It's good thing to have this appointment every week

It keeps me on the straight and narrow

It keeps me accountable 

And God knows I need that 

After collecting my script

I headed back to the surgery

I nipped in to the bathroom 

To take my meds 

Then took a seat outside Bredas waiting room 

As I had an appointment with her at 9 30am

A couple of minutes later 

Breda arrived 

And I followed her in to her room

I haven't seen her in a good few weeks

So filled her in in all that has been happening 

The job 

The meetings 

The horse riding 

She said things seemed to be steady at the moment 

The only thing that I need to tackle is my purging 

And my physical health 

Which is still not great 

Breda asked me if I would be willing to take a supplement drink 

Like Ensure

Just to help build up my reserves 

I said I would think about it

But I'm not all that keen 

I would rather eat my calories 

But

If I have to I will 

I feel like I still haven't fully bounced back after my latest bout of pancreatitis back in December

I still get really tired easily

Weak

Dizzy

Every day activities are a struggle 

Even walking my dogs takes massive effort 

And that is not like me

Because I am more active now

I'm aware that I need more sustenance 

More energy

More fuel in the tank 

Purging is still a problem

And I'm sure it is contributing to my feeling so off colour

So 

A lot of work done 

But still more to do

I am trying to hold steady as far as my weight is concerned 

I haven't lost anything recently 

And my BMI hovers around 17

Not too low

But still not healthy either

The thing is to try and not lose any more ground 

Breda talks a lot about having a strong foundation

She compared it to a building 

A building won't stand 

Unless it has a solid base

In order to stay standing 

It needs a strong foundation

And once the foundation is stabilised 

You can add in more structures as you need them 

I like this analogy 

As all too often 

I have tried to stand my building on a crumbling foundation

And of course it all falls down in that case

But I feel like my building is beginning to tAke shape 

My foundation is solid 

And my life is coming together 

Now I just need to maintain things 

Which is always the hard part for me 

Breda asked me about using 

And if I get cravings 

I can't lie 

I do get the odd craving 

Lately I've been getting kind of flash backs back to the start of my using 

I used to go to Dublin with my boyfriend and his friends 

We staying in a flat in the north inner city 

I actually have good memories of that time 

I was using 

But I was not yet addicted 

I was just starting to take heroin

And I felt like my mind was opening 

I felt like I was so connected to my boyfriend and the others in the flat

Of course 

This was the honey moon stage of my addiction

The part where everything seems great 

And you get lured in 

It doesn't last long 

Once you become physically addicted 

You can kiss goodbye to any semblance of a normal life 

And the nightmare begins 

I still get cravings 

I still have moments where I think that using seems like a good idea

But I'm able to ride it out 

I know it will pass 

If I just hold on

I do have a lot of drug dreams 

They are anxiety dreams 

Where I'm trying to find drugs 

But I can't get to them 

They are always the same 

Same situation

Same people 

And usually in the dream I start smoking again too

It's always a relief to wake up

Breda also asked me about things at home 

And how I was getting on there 

My home life is good at the moment 

It's me 

My Mam

And my sister 

I love living here 

Love living with my family 

And of course Honey and Lea 

I am in no rush to move out 

I know I would be lonely if I was on my own 

It would be good to have my own space 

But I would rather live with someone 

Than be on my own

I mean 

I have every independence here 

I can do my own thing 

I can live my own life 

But I still have the support of my family 

God knows I need that 

Plus 

Financially speaking 

It would not make much sense to maintain another house 

I am very lucky to be in my situation

I'm lucky to have the support I have 

But still have my independence 

So I won't be changing my living arrangements any time soon 

Also 

I wouldn't like to uproot the dogs 

They are so settled here 

I'd hate to upset them 

I can just imagine if I had my own place 

I would be taking in every stray dog and cat in the county 

So yes

I'll be staying out for now 

I finished up with Breda 

And headed back to the car to meet Mum

We did some shopping 

Before going back home 

These days 

I am most definitely a morning person 

Up until I began to recover 

I was a real night owl

I loved the night 

Loved that all the fun happened then 

That all the mischief and naughtiness happened then

During my addiction 

There was a long period of time 

When I slept all day 

And got up in the evening 

And went to bed in the morning 

I didn't see day light for months 

But now 

Things have changed markedly 

I love to rise early 

Walk the dogs 

Go shopping 

And other bits and bobs that I need to do 

Some days 

I have everything done by 11am

I hate sleeping in 

And I get really annoyed with myself if I do 

This has to do with the fact that I have a fear of not being able to sleep at night 

So I get up early to tire myself out 

So I will definitely sleep that night 

My fear of not sleeping stems back to my addiction 

During my using 

I had some desperate nights where I couldn't sleep

And was sick and in withdrawal if I had no drugs 

Those nights were endless 

So lonely 

So painful 

I am loathe if that will ever happen again

And everything seems worse at night 

There were some nights that I thought would never end 

And I would cry with relief when morning broke 

Now I do everything in my power to make sure that I do sleep at night 

I guess it's kind of a phobia of sorts 

Thankfully 

I have put those days behind me now

And i am eternally grateful for that 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Are you a night person?

Or a morning person?

Why do you think you are this way?

What do you do to ensure you get a good nights sleep?

Are you like me and fear not being able to sleep? 

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Ana - Lilac Sheer

 This week
I was contacted by a singer/song writer called Lilac Sheer
Lilac has written a song called Ana, to promote awareness for eating disorders
You can check out Lilacs beautiful song by clicking Ana below
The follow up video Ana - Behind the scenes, reveals Lilacs own personal journey through anorexia and bulimia

Through Lilacs work
She learned of a common infatuation with the art of Japanese Manga amongst ED sufferers
Lilac sees animation as a tool for bringing the subject of eating disorders forward in a relatable way on one hand, yet a non sugar coated, non apologetic manner on the other, while using the artform in a productive way

I though the song and video were great
Especially to open the lines of communication about EDs with younger teens and children
Eating disorders are complex illness
So anything that makes the subject easier to tackle and explain
I hope you enjoyed the song as much as I did

Here


Ana

Gaining......in all areas

Because things are improving again

And I feel like I am getting back on track

Back in a recovery frame of mind

I have to accept that weight restoration goes along with that 

I can't recover and maintain a low body weight 

When I saw Mary yesterday 

She asked me to get rid of my scales

But to continue to weigh once a week

In a pharmacy or where ever I can

As she is not going to weigh me any more 

I have a couple of issues about weighing in a pharmacy 

First, it's such a public place to do such an intimate thing 

I would be mortified

And second

As a rule

I weigh with no clothes on

And go by that 

I can't do that in a store

Well I guess I could 

But I would probably be arrested for indecent exposure

I've got this far in my life without a criminal record

I don't want to acquire one now 

So no

I won't be doing that 

I think I will just keep my scales and weigh once a week on them

I weighed this morning 

And I had gained almost two pounds 

At first I wasn't fussed

As Mary always says 

A kilo either way can be fluid or feaces 

But I as I went about my day

It began to get to me 

Anorexia had a right go at me

Calling me fat

Ugly 

Useless 

Worthless 

I looked in the mirror 

And could almost see where those two pounds had gone 

But this is the thing 

It's a choice 

I can either be underweight 

And miserable 

And sick 

And depressed

Or I can gain a little weight 

And have the opportunity to really live my life 

Be healthy 

Happy 

I think back to a few short months ago

When my weight was healthy

I used to think back then

If I only could lose some weight 

Then I would be happy 

Of course I did lose weight 

And I liked the way my clothes hung off me like I was a human coat hanger 

I liked that I could slip in to size 4 clothes 

That I had to roll down the tops of my jeans so they wouldn't fall down

I liked that people commented that I had lost weight 

But along with the weight loss

I began to lose my peace of mind 

I couldn't enjoy my new size

As my family and others were worried about me 

What good is a thin body

If you are unwell

If you are miserable 

Now that I am two stone lighter

Am I any happier?

To be honest 

I don't really think so 

It's different 

But not better 

The only difference is that I now take up less space 

Nothing more 

I don't know about you

But I don't go about my day

Judging people because of their weight 

It just doesn't come in to it

People come in all shapes and sizes 

But really it doesn't matter 

Who a person is 

Has nothing to do with what they look like 

Or what they weigh 

It's not about their body 

It s about their heart 

Their mind 

Their personality 

And I'm thinking if I'm not judging anyone else 

There are hardly many people judging me either 

I mean come on

Life is too short to worry about a few extra pounds 

And God knows I can afford to put on a few measly pounds 

One thing that can keep us locked in to our illness 

Is labels 

When you are diagnosed 

You are given the title of anorectic or bulimic 

You are told you have an eating disorder 

You might be declared underweight 

And you will be told you are unwell

And sick 

If you suffer with an ED for any extended

Period of time 

You be accustomed to being the sick one 

The ill one 

The underweight one 

People might treat you differently 

More gently 

With more compassion and empathy 

There may even be 'ED perks'

It may be very unpopular to write about this 

But there are benefits to having an ED 

Otherwise 

Why would we do it?

But the thing is 

When you are put in to an ED shaped box 

It's very hard to break out 

And find a new identity 

I can remember talking about this in treatment 

Who would I be without my ED?

Who is Ruby?

What is she all about?

Is there more to her than anorexia and bulimia? 

Being the sick one 

No one expects very much from you

You are ill 

So allowances are made

With recovery and wellness 

Comes responsibility 

When you are no longer the sick one 

You might be treated differently 

People might expect more 

So often 

It is preferable to stay unwell

And hang on to your ED

I've had glimpses of recovery 

Of what my life could be like 

To find new and healthy labels 

Or maybe no labels at all

Maybe I'll just be Ruby the girl 

The daughter 

The sister 

The auntie 

The doggy mama 

The writer 

The horse rider 

I can wear many or all of these hats 

But I don't have to be defined by any of them 

And I can break out of the ED box and world that I lived in

Of course 

This transition is not easy 

Change is hard 

Recovery is tricky 

But it is possible 

It is doable 

And it will be so worth it 

It's something that we won't regret 

So let's do it 

Let's not waste another day, week, month, year on an illness that just wants us dead 

Let's fight for a better life 

For a future

And a life beyond our ED 

I'm just not willing to live within the restraints of this illness anymore 

It's suffocating me 

It's boring me

It's draining the very life out of me 

We don't have to do it alone 

We have each other 

And if there is one thing this community does well

It's supporting each other

Are you with me?

I cant here you 

Are you with me?????

On the mend...

Apologies for not posting as much 

Or as frequently

Or as consistently lately 

I guess it's a good thing though

As it means my real life is full and busy

And I don't have time to blog as much

This week has been busy to say the least

Appointments

Three meetings 

Horse riding 

It's all good right now

I slept like a log last night

And woke up this morning

Still wrecked 

And my legs

Man my legs are in such pain today

All along the inside and outside of my thighs

I feel like a did a strenuous exercise class 

It's sore 

But it's a good feeling

And the tiredness is a good feeling too

It feels like I've been active and energetic 

And that makes a rest feel well earned 

I've been on a high since my first session horse riding yesterday

I feel dare I say it, happy..

Uplifted 

Re-energised 

Re-invigorated

And it feels amazing  

To find something that I love to do is huge progress for me

I've always loved animals 

And did a bit of horse riding over the years 

I feel like it's something I can really throw myself in to 

And even though it's an hour away

And a bit of an effort to get there 

It's so worth it to go

As I get so much out of it

I had my breakfast this morning

And headed out with the dogs 

When I got back

I sat down with a cup of tea 

And promptly fell asleep 

I woke up just in time to get to the local lunch time meeting 

Even though it would have been so nice to stay asleep

I know I need my meetings right now

And what a lovely meeting it was 

Food for the soul 

And peace of mind for the brain

After the meeting 

I went food shopping 

And then on to the village to see Mary

It was so great to tell her about all the good things that have happened this last couple of weeks

I could see it in her eyes

She was delighted 

Mary always says that it's funny the way things happen 

My Mum coming in to the session last week

The horse riding 

Meetings 

She always says that success breeds success

And she is so right 

One good thing leads to another

And so on

And so on.....

I feel like I have so much more energy now

And feel more positive 

It feels like anything is possible 

Recovery 

Work 

Friends 

Hobbies 

It's all there for me

I just have to reach out and grab it

Of course

Life 

Recovery is not straight forward

I still have a lot of work to do

My food has improved, yes

But the purging is proving difficult to knock on the head 

I just have to keep trying

And hopefully I will get there 

All in all

Things are heading in the right direction

And I feel like if this can all happen in one week

Then what else can happen if I continue to persue recovery?

There are a few other exciting things happening in relation to Eating Disorders Awareness Week

Which I will get to next week 

And am super excited about 

So until tomorrow my friends....

Horse therapy

Today was the day that I've been waiting for all week

My first session of horse therapy

As you know 

I am a huge animal lover 

Especially dogs and donkeys and horses

So I was super excited to go horse riding today

My appointment was at 1pm

So my sister and I left the house at about 11 30am

As we had to stop in town on the way 

We both did our bits and bobs 

Then went for a cuppa and a sausage roll

I always thought that I didn't like sausage rolls

But dipped in tomato sauce

It was moorish and delicious 

We finished up

And as I was heading out of the coffee shop

I ran in to a guy from the meetings and his dog

We chatted for a couple of minutes 

Before making our way back to the car 

We gave ourselves an hour to get to the stables 

Just in case we got lost

Which was very possible given our basic instructions 

In the end 

It wasn't too hard to find 

In fact you couldn't miss it

It was a huge house 

With a stables beside it

It was a beautiful bright and clear day

So the whole set up looked amazing

So green

So peaceful and tranquil 

We parked and I headed for the big barn

A pretty dark haired lady greeted me

And said she would be with me in a few minutes 

My sister and I took the opportunity to walk around

Get our bearings

And pet some of the horses

Then another girl came over to talk to us 

She was really friendly

And we were made feel so welcome

About ten minutes later 

They were ready for me 

I changed in to my wellies 

And followed the lady to the stables

She introduced me to Star the pony

Who would be my pony for the session

He was a handsome fella

White with brown patches 

Who apparently liked to bite people 

We brought Star in to the arena

My sister stayed well back as she is afraid of horses

The girls joked that they were going to put her up on the biggest, maddest horse they had

My sister nearly lost her life!

I was able to get on the horse straight away 

Which was awesome

I felt comfortable 

No fear at all

The girl led us around 

Giving me time to get used to the horse 

It felt amazing to be riding 

And soon 

We began to move quicker

And we started to trot

There is a kind of rise and fall rhythm to trotting 

At first I couldn't get in to it 

But after a few minutes 

It began to feel natural

And I didn't have to think about it 

The girls were really encouraging 

And said I was a natural

Which was lovely to hear 

We walked and trotted for the next half hour 

I felt so comfortable

So at home 

And was sad when our time was up

It flew by

And I just wanted to do more and more 

The  two girls taking the session were lovely 

So welcoming and patient  

I haven't felt such happiness for a long time 

After the session 

We had a little chat

And I asked the girls how often I should come 

The said every week is ideal

In order to continue to make progress

They also asked me if I would like to join a group

As they could leave me on my own then

I said I'd love to do that 

So made an appointment for next Wednesday morning with the group

Who are MS sufferers

And the best part was 

This only costs me €15 a session

I mean that's for nothing!!

Anyway

Less words

More pictures....

Quick question

I really want to revamp my blog

The layout

The design

I'm sick to my back teeth looking at the photo of myself on the title of my blog

I don't want anything fancy

Just clean

Easy to read

And understand 

Simple

Yet classy

This is where you come in

I am something of a technophobe

So I was wondering if you could help me restyle my blog

Can you recommend any sites to build my blog?

Where did you get your design?

Do you have any tips on designing my blog?

Any short cuts?

Any help is much appreciated

Thanking you in advance....

Sunday/Monday

Yesterday was tough

I woke up in the morning 

Feeling good that I had got my ass to a meeting 

But I wasn't feeling physically great

I know I am struggling these days 

Because walking my dogs is a struggle 

Usually I am out with them first thing in the morning

But at the moment it's not something I look forward to 

It doesn't help that it's freezing cold here 

Lea is giddy until she is brought for a walk

Honey can take it or leave it

But I do try my best to bring them every day

If not my sister will bring them

Yesterday was a bright but cold day

So we decided to go to the long beach about 15 minutes away 

We all bundled in to the car

And headed off 

This particular beach is frequented by surfers and other out door pursuits

We parked in the car park

And made our way down the steep incline to the shore

This incline is all loose stones 

And can be quite treacherous 

But we made it down 

And started walking across the beach 

Lea especially loved the beach

She runs around like a lunatic 

Jumping and rolling in the sand

Running so fast and enthusiastically that her tail rotates

To be honest 

I wasn't really enjoying the walk

But I walked as far as I could

And then turned back

We arrived at the incline again 

But I was starting to feel weak

My sister went on ahead 

And soon I started to feel really breathless and dizzy

I felt massive pressure on my head

My vision blurred

I was sure I was going to pass out

I looked for somewhere to sit down 

And found a large rock nearby

I tried to take deep breathes 

But I was only about one third of the way up the hill

I thought I would never make it back to the car 

Heaving myself off the rock

I tried to continue on 

But again

Dizziness and weakness overcame me

And I sat down again 

By now 

My sister had realised that something was wrong 

And walked back down to meet me 

I linked her and tried to walk again

But soon had to sit down again

And put my head between my knees 

I really thought I was going to hit the de k

I felt like this the morning I had my last pancreatitis attack

Except I had no pain this time 

My sister helped me to the car

And finally made it there 

I collapsed in to the seat 

So relieved to be back and able to sit down 

We arrived home 

And my sister made me eggs and toast

I then retired to the couch to rest

I felt terrible 

And looked even worse

I slept for a good while 

When I woke up 

I felt a lot better 

But this is a warning sign 

That my body is hurting 

I am hurting it 

This bout of weight loss is really taking its toll

It seems that I have a lot of work to do in that area

Monday morning 

And doctor day for me 

We left a bit earlier this morning 

As the roads were frosty 

I arrived at the surgery for my 9am appointment 

I had just sat down 

When my doctor called my name 

As I followed him in

He said he had a student in with him today 

And was that ok

He regularly has students in observing 

And I have no problem with that 

I took a seat in his room 

The student greeted me

I said hello back 

My doctor and I chit chatted for a while 

I told him about the job

He said that he didn't want to say it last week

But he thought that I wouldn't get it due to lack of experience 

He was delighted that I got the other job though

I also told him about the horse therapy

We were all done and dusted quickly

I collected my script

And said thanks and goodbye 

Another Monday over 

Another week begun 

Now that my real life is beginning to come together

There are some things that I need to address 

My weight is a pressing problem

As in the last week it has plummeted 

I feel it 

I feel underweight

I don't feel well

I don't feel healthy

My body is crying out for nourishment t 

And I'm not giving it

Also 

I've been thinking about this blog 

And how open I am 

A lot of people read every day 

And though I am not at all ashamed about my blog or my life 

I am starting to wonder if maybe I should protect myself a bit more 

Maybe not be quite so open and frank 

I just worry about employers finding it 

Don't get me wrong 

I have nothing to hide 

But I don't want to leave myself in a vulnerable position 

Where the whole world knows my business 

I don't kid myself 

I know my problems are small fry compared to some people out there 

But I almost feel a duty to share my story 

In the hope that it will help others as well as myself 

Although I can see the benefits of being a open blogger 

There are also benefits to writing anonymously 

But as you know 

I am an all or nothing person

So I share either everything or nothing 

As my blog has grown 

I guess I have been more wary of what I write here

And I have gone back and deleted posts that maybe exposed me too much 

I also think about the negatives to blogging

The hate 

The anonymous comments that love to point out where I am going wrong

I ask myself the question

Is it worth it?

Is it worth the hassle?

The cruel comments 

Being judged

Being attacked 

Do the negatives out weigh the positives?

I ask myself this question regularly 

And most of the time

I come to the conclusion that it is worth it 

I do think it's unfair to judge though 

If there is one thing I don't do

Is judge people

I have learned over the years 

That people are the way they are for a reason

Who am I to judge? 

I am no better or no worse than anyone else

Judging others is dangerous ground

No one is perfect 

No one is infallible 

We all do silly things 

Make stupid mistakes 

That's the nature of us humans 

The trick is to learn from it 

And not repeat it 

Look

I am doing my best with the cards I have been dealt 

I try every day to be a good person

I try not to hurt myself or others 

I try to be the best person I can possibly be 

But of course I mess up from time to time 

It's human nature 

The important thing is to keep going 

Keep fighting 

Keep hoping 

And believing 

We have to forgive ours and others mistakes 

Or else what is the point?

I have a lot to look forward to now 

So much to live for 

I need to get back on track

Need to be as well as I can be

So I can start my job

So I can begin horse therapy 

So I stay healthy both physically and mentally 

At the age of 34 

My life is just beginning 

Just starting to happen

I know that I have a real shot now 

At being happy 

Content

And most importantly 

Having peace of mind 

That is my goal 

Just to have a quiet mind 

I can get there 

I truly believe I can and you can too

Mission Complete....

It's Sunday morning

And I am sat

Crosslegged

On my living room floor

With a hot cup of tea

And the TV on in the background

I wrote yesterday about going to a meeting

And I am pleased to tell you that I did in fact go to a meeting last evening 

It was quite strange really

But in the last couple of days 

I have been feeling like I have to get to a meeting 

Usually I would rather eat my own foot than go to a meeting

But yesterday it just felt urgent that I get to one 

The meeting was about half an hour away

So I asked my Mum to come 

As I have often been on my way in to said meeting 

And ended up somewhere completely different 

So what has kept me away from the meetings?

Anxiety mainly 

And fear that people don't like me 

But yesterday 

Well

I was able to put those fears aside for some reason 

I'm not quite sure why 

But I jumped on the opportunity to try and make some real progress

Mum and I left the house at about 5 20

I was so anxious and nervous on the way in 

That I couldn't even talk 

I just kept thinking 

It'll be over before i know it

We arrived at the building 

There were only two cars in the car park

I looked up to one of the windows where the light was on 

I could see movement 

People I didn't recognise 

I took a deep breath

Opened the car door

And headed for the entrance 

Walking in

My body felt weak and heavy with nerves

Walking up the stairs 

I could barely lift my feet

I felt like I was going to hit the deck

But I kept going 

I came to a closed door 

I could hear voices beyond 

I silently reached for the handle 

And pushed in

I scanned the room quickly

Three guys 

I didn't recognise any of them 

The meeting had started 

So I took the nearest seat 

And took deep breathes to calm down 

Just then the door opened 

And a girl walked in

She smiled at me as she came in

I smiled back

And she took a seat opposite me 

I don't know if you know how meeting s work 

But at the start 

The literature is read out 

Which takes about 15 minutes 

Then the meeting is opened 

And people can share 

Although there is no pressure 

You don't have to speak a word if you don't want to

I had told myself that I wouldn't speak 

Just to get myself in the door 

But being there 

And feeling the magic of the programme 

I decided to say a few words

I didn't say anything too personal

Just a bit about myself 

And my story 

I finished up 

And the final literature was read out 

We stood in a circle to say the serenity prayer 

And that was it

It was over 

I spoke to the girl for a while afterwards

She gave me her number 

Which I thought was really nice of her 

All in all

It was a good experience 

And I'm glad I went 

But I know the real test for me 

Is going when I don't want to go

When I think I don't need to go 

When it's raining outside 

And I am cosied up beside the fire and don't want to leave the house 

Usually 

People in recovery count their clean time 

I never have 

Because I never got any substantial amount of clean time to count 

But I can see the benefit of it

From counting my smoke free time

So I've decided to start today 

St. Valentine's Day 

Day number one 

As always 

Thank you for your continued support 

It means more than you know

Meeting

I'm going to do it 

I'm finally going to do it 

After over a year of avoiding it

And putting it off 

I'm going to go to a meeting this evening

My Mum is coming for support

I feel I need someone just to be there 

To talk me out of it if I decided to back out

No better woman than my mother for this 

I can't lie

I feel scared

Beyond anxious

And my nerves are shot

I'll go

But I don't think I'll speak

The goal is to just be there

To listen 

To soak up the recovery 

And the positivity 

To connect with others 

And do something good for myself 

I'll be leaving at 5 30pm

For the meeting at 6pm

Until then 

I am trying to stay busy 

And keep calm 

Wish me luck

I'm going to need it.....

28

As of this morning 

I have lost two stone in weight

28 pounds

I looked back over my notebooks 

Where I carefully recorded each weight 

I started losing weight in November

And have steadily lost since then

I'm not sharing this with you to brag

To boast 

Equally 

I'm not sharing it with you to concern you

Or worry you

It's not something I'm proud of

I'm sharing it with you because it stops here 

I can't go on like this

Or I will be back in hospital before you say possible relapse 

I have much to look forward to now

My horse therapy

My job 

My ED is gone in to panic mode

As it knows I am fighting back 

But just because I have things to look forward to 

Doesn't mean they recovery will miraculously happen

The habits of a half a life time are hard to change 

But 

I'm not going down without a fight 

It's time to close ranks 

Use my supports 

Use every bit of ED knowledge I've ever required

And fight like hell 

But what exactly does fighting entail?

It's not quite a physical fight

It's behavioural 

Its psychological 

It's emotional

It means eating three meals a day 

At the table

With my family 

It means no purging 

Which is the big one

I haven't gone a day without purging in years 

It has become just another habit in my life

I wake up 

Brush my teeth 

Eat something 

Purge 

It has become so normal that I don't even think about it anymore 

I had come to a place where I had accepted that purging was part of my day

And wasn't going anywhere

But Mary assures me that it's possible to have a life beyond my ED

She speaks so passionately about the fact that I can do this 

That I can recover 

Sitting in between my Mum and Mary yesterday 

Two amazingly strong women

Who both believe in me 

It was powerful 

I couldn't have two better women on my side 

I dont need to tell you how blessed I am

Finally 

It seems like things are slotting in to ace for me 

The jigsaw that is my life is starting to come together 

It's thrilling 

It's terrifying 

It's venturing in to the unknown

I can't lie 

I am petrified 

But I am ready 

I am so ready 

For the next phase of my life 

For recovery 

From both my ED and my addiction

I swear I am going to get to a meeting this week if it kills me

Screw the anxiety 

Screw the fear

This is about my getting well 

That's my priority right now

I know that I can do something when I set my mind on it

I'm now 18 months smoke free

And let me tell you

I was a dedicated smoker 

I joke with my sister that when I start earning money

I'm going to take it up again

But I know I won't 

Going back isn't an option 

I find that once I get my head around something 

Then I can do it 

Like with smoking 

Mentally giving up was half the battle

I'm sure it will be a similar situation with the purging

I just need to establish a new habit

A new pattern 

A new way of doing things 

I guess at first 

Distraction will be the name of the game

After eating 

I need to distract, distract, distract!

Get out of the house

Walk the dogs 

Go for a drive

And stay away from bathrooms

I know it will be tough

At first it will be uncomfortable

As my body gets used to keeping food down 

It will be a strange sensation

Actually letting my food digest

But it's something that has to be done

If I want t hold down a 30 hour a week job

I need to be healthy

I need to feed my body 

When I'm busy

I know I find it hard to eat

Do I will have to make a considered effort to keep my body fueled and fed

And to keep on top of my health

And not just exist on energy drinks 

So yes

There is much to look forward to 

And much work to do 

I have about three months before I start work to get on track

And hopefully the horse therapy will really help build my self esteem and confidence

As i know I am going to need a lot of these things on my work 

But 

I'm ready 

Come on life

Bring it on....

The first photo below was taken last November

And the following one this morning