Weightless.....

So

You know the way I've been not weighing myself

And don't even keep a scales in the house anymore 

Well

This morning 

My usual doctor was back 

And as I sat in the seat opposite him

The scales beckoned me 

I asked if I could weigh myself 

He said sure

So I kicked of my trainers 

And walked over to said scales 

I tapped it 

Waited for it to stop flashing 

And tentatively stepped on

The numbers bounced around 

Until they settled on an amount 

I looked 

And registered the number in my brain 

I'm up two kilos 

At first 

I felt massive disappointment 

Failure even 

My doctor asked me what the number was

And I reluctantly told him

I didn't really hear anything else he said after that 

I was lost in my own weight related thoughts 

I left the room 

My head spinning 

I looked at my reflection in the glass on the way out 

I looked the same 

I looked ok

Did these two kilos even matter?

Right then it did

It mattered more than anything else in the world 

I headed up to the pharmacy 

Handed in my script 

And sat down to blog 

I have to say

After the initial shock of seeing the number

I already had a diet plan in mind 

I was already buying a new scale 

And a new notebook to record my weight

But as I wrote 

I was reminded of all the good things on my life at the moment 

I mean

Does two kilos even matter?

I began to feel a little better then

I know my weight can fluctuate wildly 

And I'm actually sorry that I weighed myself 

Nothing else happened this morning 

I didn't gain two kilos since this morning 

And I was ok with my weight this morning

The only thing that has changed since then 

Is that I weighed myself 

I measured my self worth in kilos and grams 

And that is just not right 

So no

I won't be crash dieting 

I won't be weighing myself regularly 

I won't watch what I eat 

This is the weight that my body needs to be at right now 

It's a healthy weight for my height

I am no where near over weight 

Everything is ok

I am ok 

Just the way I am 

At first 

I felt a massive urge to buy a new scale 

But I didn't 

And I won't 

I know that is a slippery slope 

I'm not even going to work out my BMI

It doesn't matter 

Not one little bit 

I just have to keep my eye on the prize 

On all the good things that are happening for me at the moment 

Am I going to let two kilos ruin that?

Absolutely no way 

Not in this life 

Not to this girl 

I actually now regret weighing myself 

No good ever comes from it

And I end up feeling like a failure 

A waste of space 

But the n msun thing is 

That I keep my head and take each day as it comes 

Shift by shift

Hour by hour 

I'm in tomorrow and Thursday for more training 

And I officially start on Friday evening 

A four hour shift

The next four days I have full days 

I just hope I can do this 

and I don't make a total mess of it 

I will do my best 

That's all I can do

Having said all that 

I was wondering about you 

Do you work?

Are you full

Or part time?

How long have you been working?

What do you do?

And do you enjoy it?

Have you any tips for me?

Inquiring minds want to know... Xx

The Day of Rest

This weekend 

I am taking the opportunity to relax and get prepared for the start of my working week next Friday

I am in for more training Tuesday and Thursday 

Then my first live shift is the evening shift on Friday

That weekend is a bank holiday weekend here 

So I will be working Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday

These consecutive days will really give me a chance to throw myself in at the deep end 

And get stuck in 

Georgina keeps reiterating 

That this job is mainly about common sense 

I just hope I have enough 

I really hope I can do this 

And I haven't bitten off more than I can chew 

I feel like at the moment

There is a huge clock, counting down to my first shift 

D Day 

I am both terrified and excited to start work 

All I can do is my best 

And I will most definitely give it my all

If I can just hold my nerve 

And turn up for work everyday

I really think it will do me the power of good 

With my confidence 

Self esteem

Everything 

I can't stress enough 

How important this job is 

I really think it will make or break me

But maybe I shouldn't put too much pressure on myself 

Maybe I should take it day by day

Shift by shift 

And go from there 

I went horse riding again yesterday 

I was on Princess

And was instructed by Roisin

For a change 

We went out to the outdoor arena 

As the weather was fine

It felt great to ride out in the fresh air 

I felt so free

Princess is starting to co-operate with me 

But I really need to work on my control of the horse 

We did a lot of trotting 

Jumped some small jumps 

And did a good bit of cantering towards the end of the session 

It was brilliant 

Every time I go 

I just want to do more and more 

I would do it every single day if I could 

It gives me a natural high

A feeling that drugs used to give me 

Except this is better 

There are no negative effects

It's good for me 

I am so grateful to have found something that I am passionate about 

That feeds my soul

It's also something to work at 

To progress and improve 

Something to work towards 

I can't explain to you how much I love it 

I'm actually surprised that I haven't found riding until now 

I guess dancing was my thing when I was younger 

And then I went off the rails after that 

So horse riding never really came up for me 

Anyway

I've found it now 

And better late than never right?

That's really all to report for today folks 

Life is good 

I am good 

You can't ask for much more than that....

Long day and lots to learn

I had a full day of training yesterday

Hence why I didn't post

By the time I got home 

My brain was throbbing with the amount of information I absorbed 

So yes

The other new girl, Sinead, and I were in yesterday 

I thought we were just going over a couple of things 

But we were there for six hours in total

And boy was there a lot to take in

Again

Georgina was training us 

And again

She was super clear and direct about what we need to do

And what is expected of us

She went through a massive folder with us 

Of policies and procedures 

She gave us a huge aray of scenarios that might happen while we are on duty

It really was an eye opener

As Georgina told us story after story 

Some very distressing 

She told us about the broad spectrum of people who will be staying in the centre

From women's groups 

To families 

To single people 

To old peoples groups 

Also people with mental health issues 

And addiction

She talked about drugs quite a bit 

And I could feel myself becoming uncomfortable 

And began to wonder if I should tell her about my own addiction history 

I have told her about my ED 

But have not divulged anything about drugs 

I decided to hold off until I was on my own with her 

We had a lunch break at 1pm

And we went down to the old folks house for a much needed cuppa

Myself and Sinead bonded over our respective piercings 

I was told yesterday 

That I might have to remove my piercings 

Which is annoying 

But nothing was said today 

So I'm hoping they won't bring it up again

Sinead is lovely 

She's 19

And full of energy 

Mentally I think I am around her age 

So I think we'll get on well

After lunch 

It was back to run through fire drills 

Panic buttons 

And so on 

We finished up around 4pm

And I was glad to get out and get some fresh air

We do have a dress code 

Which is dark trousers and a dark or white top

So I'm just organising what I do have 

I have a few pairs of black trousers 

All different sizes of course 

But I'm sure I'll find something suitable 

Today again 

Georgina held me back to have a chat with me 

She is keeping an eye on me

And asked me how I felt about the job now 

And did I think it would be too much 

I was honest with her 

And told her that I bounced from being super excited 

To being completely terrified

I also decided to tell her about my drug history 

She took it well

I asked if it changed anything she said not at all

But to not tell everyone about it 

Which I wouldn't anyway 

I explained that I have been stable a long time 

And have great support 

She asked about these supports 

And what my family thought of my taking this job

I told her that my Mum thinks this will be fantastic for me 

And my whole family is behind me

Georgina can see that I am lacking confidence 

But she said working in the centre will be perfect for me

And that I will flourish there 

She also told me that I did a great interview back a few months ago

And that there was a genuine warmth off me 

Which was lovely to hear 

I guess when I feel myself wobble about the job

I refer to my Mum and Georgina

Two strong smart women 

Who have looked me in the eye 

And told me with such conviction

That I can do this 

And not only can I do it 

I will be good at it

It's great to have others believe in you 

When you have very little faith in yourself

I came home yesterday evening 

Absolutely knackered 

My head hurt with the amount of information that it processed

I told my Mam all about the house and the training 

Man thinks it sounds like the perfect place for me to restart my working life

Because the centre is non profit

They are not driven by money 

So where as in one of the hotels 

I would just be a number 

In this job 

I am Ruby 

And Georgina makes it very clear that she wants it to work for me as much as she wants it to work for the centre

Which is why she is so accommodating with the hours

I know I am blessed to work in such a place 

It's a place where I can get a good foundation of confidence and skills

And then being so understanding about my conditions is just a breath of fresh air 

So 

I have a few days off now 

I'm back in for training next Tuesday and Thursday 

Then have my first live shift Friday

I'm using my days off to recharge 

To relax 

To go to my meetings 

And horse riding 

To make sure my recovery is on track 

And that all my ducks are in a row 

It's funny 

Now that I have more in my life 

My ED and addiction have taken a back seat 

Of course 

Life is not perfect 

But now my mind is not preoccupied with thoughts of food and weight 

I don't have a scales 

So I don't weigh myself 

And I don't miss it 

As long as my clothes fit 

And I feel good 

Well that's all that matters 

I can't lie 

I still purge from time to time 

But it is no where near they way it was 

When I was purging 10 - 20 times a day 

I swear I wonder how I managed to get to the age of 34 in one piece!

But I did 

I'm still alive and kicking 

And ready to face another challenge

It's strange to think that as recently as Christmas 

I was really struggling 

But as I always say 

As quickly as things can go belly up

They can also turn around just as fast 

And I am writing this post 

To let you know 

That there is most definitely life after an eating disorder and addiction

This is not a fluke 

Or an accident 

My recovery is down to hard work and determination

I truly believe that anything is possible if you put your mind to it 

I am living proof that your life could be in the toilet 

Literally 

But you can still climb out 

And live a full life 

I remember Mary saying to me that positivity breeds positivity 

The same with energy 

Once you see a glimpse of what life could be like 

It's a huge reason to keep going

Of course 

My life is not perfect 

I struggle day to day 

With eating enough 

With body image 

With self confidence and self esteem 

I am too hard on myself 

And doubt myself a lot 

But I am doing the best that I can with what I have got

That's all any of us can do 

So please 

Today 

Take some comfort in knowing that I was in the gutter 

Addicted to heroin

With a chronic eating disorder 

There wasn't much hope for me 

But 

I was lucky 

My family pulled me through

Never gave up on me 

I have been extremely blessed with the people in my life 

Especially the women 

Strong women are a role model for me

And I'm fortunate to have a lot in my life 

My mother who is my hero

My two sisters 

My aunties 

Ladies at the meetings 

I now know what it takes to be a strong woman 

And some day I hope to be someone who others look up to 

Anyway 

I'm off to have a little rest 

And spend some time with Mam and the dogs 

Wishing you a happy Friday 

And see you on the next post......

Wednesday

Before I get in to this post

I want to thank you all

For your comments, emails and texts 

For you well wishes 

And kind words of encouragement 

They mean more than you will ever know

Something that gives me a real boost

Is knowing that all of you beautiful ladies are behind me

And rooting for me

I really feel the love you send my way

And it is much appreciated 

Also 

I wanted to reply to the anonymous commenter 

Who implied that I don't have my priorities straight

That I should fit my activities around my job

And not the other way around 

Look 

To me 

My riding 

My meetings 

And my appointments are all as important to me as my job

My activities during the week are what keep me going 

Without them 

I know I would go down hill very quickly

So as you can imagine 

I am very keen and determined to keep them up 

For me 

My recovery is a combination of things 

And they are all of equal importance 

Of course in an ideal world 

I would work full time 

And do my bits at the weekend 

However it is mostly weekends that I am working 

And I prefer it that way 

I find weekends can be long and boring 

So I am excited to be busy doing things at that time 

I am down to work on Wednesday 

From 8am - 12pm

So I had to swap with another girl 

And now I am doing the 4pm - 8pm

So I can still go riding 

But this still poses a problem 

In that usually I am wrecked tired after riding 

And the last thing I am wanting to do is head in to put in a four hour shift at work 

I will try it for the first few weeks 

And see how I get on

I rang the other horse riding place today

And they can't facilitate my lessons during the week

So it looks like I will miss riding there for the next while 

Another thing that was suggested to me 

Was that when I go out for my lesson

That I stay for two lessons 

To make it more worth my while 

But I guess I have to accept that things will be a bit all overcrowd place for the next couple of months 

And there is sweet f#*k all I can do about that 

But 

I trust that it will all work out for the best 

Right 

I'm off to make dinner for myself and the patient

See you on the next post....

Work induction

I'm just back from my first day of work induction

Myself and another girl were there to meet the manager

And to go through what we will be doing 

And our hours 

Luckily 

Most of my hours are at the weekend 

With one short evening shift on a Wednesday

So really and truly it doesn't interfere with my other activities 

I will still get to horse riding Wednesday morning

To my meetings 

And appointments 

Which is great

I'll be working about 22 hours a week

Which means my disability will be effected slightly 

But that's ok

I will get to keep the majority of it

I actually found out this week

That I can only earn €120 or less each week without my disability being effected

So that's less than ten hours a week

Which wouldn't be worth my while

Or my employers 

So any hours over that ten

My disability will be cut on a sliding scale 

But 

I think it will all work out fine

I'm going to do the 22 hours

I think it will be good for me 

We were given so much information today

It was mind boggling 

The other girl there was a lot younger than me 

Early twenties I'd say

But we had a little chat

And she seems lovely 

Georgina is the manager 

And she is very firm but fair 

I like her a lot 

There is no nonsense about her 

She gave us a lot of possible scenarios that could possibly happen 

Basically 

The holiday centre is a non profit centre for those who ordinarily couldn't afford a holiday 

It is run by a charity called St. Vincent de Paul

They also run a thrift shop

And an elderly care home 

I did the interview for the job back in February

And it has been a long process to get this far

But I am super excited to start working 

Georgina emphasised that the three things key to the centre

Are friendliness, cleanliness and good food 

She really gave us a great introduction to working there 

I'm back in on Thursday to meet the rest of the staff

We finished up at lunch time

And I seized the opportunity to have a quick chat with Georgina 

She needed my bank details and things 

And while we were doing some paperwork

She asked me if I thought it would be too much for me 

As I had explained to her the last time we met about my ED

And how I am in recovery 

I was honest with her

At first 

I felt a little out of my depth

This is my first proper job in quite a while 

And I told her it was a confidence thing with me more than anything else

Georgina assured me that she had every confidence and faith in me

And said I would be like a new woman by the end of the three months working 

It was nice to hear that she believes in me

I just wish I had the same belief in myself 

But I guess that will come in time

I really think this job could be a life changer for me 

If I can just face my fears and anxieties 

Turn up 

And give it my best 

I start officially June 3rd

So I have just over a week to get myself prepared 

I know I'm going to be nervous

Starting a new job is tough for anyone 

And throw in a few mental health issues

And an addiction to drugs

It could all go very wrong

But I'm choosing to be positive 

And to go in with a clear and level and open mind 

I know the first few shifts will be bumpy 

As I get used to their way of doing things 

But I know if I can just hang in there

It could be the making of me 

It could give me back my confidence 

That I so desperately miss

It could help me see that I am capable and able to work

It could even be a stepping stone on to more work 

I'm a hard worker 

And I love to be busy 

Love to be on the go all the time 

And this job will most definitely be busy 

Which will suit me down to the ground 

Because of the nature of the work

I will be dealing with vulnerable people 

People with mental health issues

Addiction

For some people 

This will be their first holiday

People who might not be used to a structured environment 

Who don't eat three square meals a day 

We are situated on the towns main road 

So anyone can wander in

And it will be up to me to deal with these people 

I hope given the fact that I have experienced a lot in my life

Will help me to be empathetic 

And understanding 

But at the same time

I can't let myself be taken advantage of

Because I think I can be seen as a soft touch sometimes 

I was interested in listening to Georgina today 

As she is so friendly and warm

But at the same time 

I know she takes no shit from anyone

I would love to be like that 

And hopefully this job will help me find my own voice

My own inner confidence 

And self esteem 

Despite my anxiety though

I am going to do this 

I am going to go in with a positive mind set 

Anything I don't know 

I can ask 

And I think throwing myself in at the deep end is good for me

As then I have to figure things out

But you guys 

This is a huge deal for me 

My job will even be put through the books!

Something that hasn't happened to me in a long time 

My last two jobs were cash in hand 

But now I'm going to be a proper Bona fide employee!

How exciting is that?

I'm just so happy that I'm going to be able to fit in everything around my job

It's so very important to me

To be able to go horse riding 

To see my doctor 

And Breda 

And Mary

It's going to be a busy summer 

That's for sure 

But you know what?

This is it

This is me living my life 

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway

This is making huge progress with my independence 

And that is just wonderful for me 

Finally 

Things are all coming together for me

And I feel alive!

Please say a wee prayer for me this week

I know all you ladies are behind me

And I appreciate that so much

Thank you

You are amazing!

What is happening to blogger?

Is it just me 

Or is blogger really quiet of late?

It just seems to be like a bit of a ghost town 

Where it was once thriving and buzzing

Now it's eerily calm and quiet

I guess blogger is not cool anymore 

Twitter and Instagram are really where it's at

I don't really use any social media apart from Blogger 

I've never really been a fan of Facebook

I do have an account 

But I rarely use it 

Or even look at it

It's just not my thing 

I don't use Twitter or Instagram either 

But am thinking about joining one or both

I am not the most technically minded person 

But I think I could get the hang of it

There was a time 

Not too long ago 

When I depended on blogger for so much 

For support with my ED and addiction

And for social interaction 

As I was getting precious little in my real life

My blog was about sharing my story 

And to meet like minded people 

There was a real buzz about blogger a few years ago

But that seems to be diminishing 

And there is only a small core group of bloggers left 

Where have all the others gone?

I don't know 

I'm hoping that they have moved on from the difficult place they were in

I'm hoping they are now in recovery 

And don't need the support of blogger

I'm hoping they are in some kind of recovery 

I just hope that they are ok

Some of these girls I was very close to

So it's quite distressing when they vanish in to thin air 

The truth is that some of them will have recovered 

Some will have one foot in the disorder 

And one in their ED

And some will still be up to their neck in ED behaviours 

I would love to hear from some of those who have disappeared 

So if you are out there 

If you are reading

Do get in touch 

I would love to hear from you 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Do you use any other social media?

Which ones do you use?

Are you like me 

And really miss some bloggers who have now disappeared?

Are you in touch with any of them?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Looking the part!

Yesterday

I bought my very own riding hat

My Dad and I went in to a shop in town 

It's actually the shop where I buy my dogs food

They have everything in that shop!

I tried on about eight different hats 

Until I found one that fit me perfectly 

Now I feel very much the part 

With my very own boots and hat 

Now I just need the jodhpurs 

And I will be a proper horsey person

Here are some photos....

Saturday

I started out the weekend with a riding lesson this morning 

I was back on Princess

But I had a new instructor 

A Scottish girl called Roisin 

Who was lovely

Straight away 

I was having problems getting Princess started 

She was walking at her own leisurely pace 

And was paying very little attention to the fact that I was kicking her over and over 

Roisin said that I looked nervous 

And I felt it

So I'm sure the horse felt it too

I think I am not kicking hard enough

I think I'm kicking strongly 

But it's probably only a tap to the horse 

Eventually I got her trotting 

Although she was pre-empting my directions all the time 

Roisin wanted to work on my position and balance 

So after trotting for a while 

We walked and trotted with my feet out of the stirrups 

The key thing was to relax my legs 

And let them hang 

Which in turn would help my balance 

Then we trotted standing up

And sitting down slowly 

The she told me to drop the reigns completely 

I thought she was joking At first 

But she wasn't 

I felt really nervous to do this 

Especially in trot 

First Roisin told me to lift one hand 

And then the other 

I was doing it!

Trotting with no hands 

It was a real confidence boost 

Roisin said that at the start of the lesson 

I looked stressed and worried 

But by the end of it 

I felt a lot more comfortable 

I did a full hour lesson today

And am now wrecked 

It was great though 

I thoroughly enjoyed it 

And Roisin told me that we can go down to the beach to ride some day

That would be so awesome 

I've always wanted to ride a horse on a beach 

I've always thought it looks so elegant and beautiful 

So that's something to look forward to

 

In other news 

Life is going pretty well at the moment 

I feel good 

Mood is stable 

I feel steady in myself 

I feel like I am enjoying rather than enduring it

Life is to be enjoyed 

I know that no one is deliriously happy all the time 

Happiness is not a constant thing 

But it is definitely possible to have moments 

And those moments are enough to keep me going 

That's all for today folks 

If there is any topic you would like to see written about 

Do let me know 

I feel like I am writing less and less about my ED addiction

I guess now I am living my life 

Rather than spectating 

And letting life pass me by 

I feel like I am actively participating in my own life now 

And that is so great 

I feel hopeful

I feel positive 

I feel alive....

Friday

Because I was in Dublin on Wednesday 

I had horse riding today instead

I got up early 

To walk the dogs and sort their food out so Mam could just give it to them at lunch time

Then I headed in to town to meet Fintan

He picked me up in town at about 10 30am

And we headed out to Keash

The last couple of weeks 

I noticed that Fintan buys a bar of chocolate on the way out

And he eats two squares before riding 

And two squares after riding 

So today I had a bar of chocolate for him

To thank him for driving 

We chatted on the way out 

And arrived in Keash in plenty of time for our riding lesson

We donned our hats and boots 

I was on Star as usual 

And Fintan was on Leroy

A beautiful elegant horse 

Today 

For a change 

Myself and Star were in front 

And Star took to it lovely 

We also did a lot of cantering today 

Which was amazing 

I did three canters today 

And it is such a buzz!

I love it! 

And it feels great to be making progress 

We finished our lesson 

And made a cup of tea

I was chatting to the two girls who were in after me 

And they couldn't believe I was only riding a couple of months 

That was lovely to hear 

And it's true 

I've come a long way in a short time 

Last week 

When I told Fintan about my blog 

He asked me to send him the link 

I was hesitant to 

As it is so personal 

And I wasn't sure if I wanted to share it with someone who is in my real life

For some reason

I would prefer strangers to read my blog

Rather than people I know 

Because I can't worry or disappoint strangers 

I would be worried that someone I know would be shocked or scared reading my blog

I write my blog as if no one was going to read it 

Because if I thought about the amount of people reading my blog 

I would never post a word 

So I texted Fintan to let him know that I was a bit wary of sending him the link

Then today he apologised for asking for the link

He said he would never read anything without asking me first 

I was really grateful for his understanding 

And I really do believe that he will respect my wishes and not read my blog 

However 

I did show him the little piece that Healthline wrote about my blog

He was delighted for me 

Tomorrow I have another lesson in the morning 

Which I am really looking forward to 

Something I have noticed recently 

Is that when I don't eat 

I feel very strange 

So really these days 

I need to make myself eat something 

Whether I  hungry or not 

Because I feel faint and not with it when I don't eat 

Note to self: Remember to eat!!

That's all for today folks

See you on the next post...

Dublin

Apologies for not replying to yesterday's comments 

The blogger app on my phone is playing up

And it won't let me in to my dashboard 

I could read the comments in my emails 

But I couldn't reply 

So sorry about that 

Thank you though

I really appreciated your thoughts on the subject of body image 

It's a tricky one 

Regaining the weight 

And everything that comes with that 

Fear 

Anxiety 

Uncertainty

The comments from others 

It's not easy 

And then comes the transition

From underweight to healthy weight

And when you have a distorted and skewed body image 

That can be quite traumatic 

I guess body image is a fluid thing 

I know I can feel ok in my skin sometimes 

And I don't feel big 

But there are other times when I feel so negatively about my body 

That I can barely function

Today for instance 

I feel quite good about how I look 

And when I say that 

I mean I don't want to tear the flesh off myself with my bare hands 

But yesterday 

I was in Dublin with my Dad

And I felt so uncomfortable in my skin 

So awkward and not myself at all

It's a horrible feeling 

To feel such distain against your own body 

I just have to remember to go by how I feel

Rather than my clothes size 

It's not easy 

But it's the only way that works 

In other news 

I travelled to Dublin yesterday with my Dad 

He had an appointment with a consultant neurologist 

As he seems to be having great difficulty with his hands 

He has lost a lot of power in them 

The muscle is wasting away

And it seems to be spreading up his arms 

I had an early start

And was up at 5am

I drive the half hour in to town u

Then walked 15mins to the train station

To catch the 7am train 

I met my Dad in his home town 

And he joined me on the train at about 8 15am

We arrived in Dublin at 10 am

The hospital is in the north side of the city 

So we quickly found our bus stop 

And headed off 

The bus stopped right outside the hospital

We found the right place 

And settled down to wait

Thankfully 

It wasn't a long wait

And my Dad was in and out in about hAlf an hour

Because we were finished so early 

We decided to try and make the lunch time train home

I was eager to get out of the city 

As it was there that I did a lot of my using 

And everywhere I look

I see old haunts and placed I used to frequent 

We cut it pretty fine 

But we made the 1pm train

And I was back home by 5 pm

Dad has to go back up to Dublin for tests 

So there might be another trip on the horizon

I don't mind going with him though

He often did it for me

I also got some exciting news yesterday 

My blog was voted one of the best eating disorder blogs of 2016 by Healthline

If you check out their website you will see all the blogs 

They are all worth a visit 

This is the fourth year in a row that my blog has been included in Healthlines top blogs 

And it is truly an honour 

I am so happy to know that my blog is making a difference 

That it's going in some small way to help fight the battle against EDs and addiction

I remember writing not too long ago 

That items a sad fact that my virtual life was more exciting than my real life 

I had nothing in my real life 

No purpose 

No reason for being 

I had my family and my dogs 

And that is amazing 

But I needed more 

And now that need is being met 

I feel so grateful to be in a good place now 

I just wish I could break off a piece of what I hAve 

And give it to you 

I want to share with everyone what I have found out 

That there is a life beyond EDs and addiction

There is hope 

And there is so much more to life 

We don't have to suffer 

There is a way out 

For a long time I didn't believe that

But now I know differently 

Life is to be enjoyed 

Not endured 

Same goes for recovery 

I am so glad to be moving on

Growing up 

It's a miracle 

My Miracle

And I promise you it's there for you too

You just have to take that first leap of faith

Do it

You won't regret it 

Not even a tiny bit 

Body Image

Even though things are going well for me at the moment 

There is still one thing that I struggle massively with

Yes

You've guessed it

The dreaded body image

Historically 

I've always been on the slim side

As a child and teenager

I was very active 

I swam in a competitive level

I also studied dance

So I could basically eat what I wanted

And maintain a trim figure

The only time I've ever gained a significant amount of weight

Was when I was first prescribed olanzapine 

And even then 

I wasn't over weight

I just had more weight on my bones

And of course 

Throughout my addiction and ED

My weight fluctuated wildly 

Up until my ED started

I had never given my weight much thought 

I ate well and exercised 

And was in general pretty healthy 

My size and shape was not something I gave much thought to 

I didn't notice it

I wasn't aware of it

They say ignorance is bliss

And it most definitely was in this case

It was only when my ED developed 

That I became aware of my body 

And how much space I took up

I set about making myself smaller

Because smaller and thinner is good right?

Wrong 

As I have since learned 

Size and shape have precious little to do with happiness or contentment 

I do accept that I see a dirhmdtiuyd I acknowledge that I might not see an accurate version of myself 

But I do believe that I am quite big at the moment 

I have no idea what I weigh 

As I haven't been weighing myself recently 

So in my head 

I am twenty stone 

In reality 

It shouldn't matter what I weigh 

But it is important to me that I maintain my weight at a healthy point

I don't feel good if I am too thin or too heavy

I just want to be healthy and happy

I want to be able to wake up in the morning 

And not have a panic attack about what to wear 

I want to be able to look in the mirror

And not want to cry 

I just feel so big and cumbersome at the moment 

My legs 

My hips 

My tummy 

It all feels like too much 

And it's a horrible feeling 

I guess physical recovery happens at first 

You re-gain the weight 

And that's hard to deal with

Psychologically

It takes much longer to recover

And I am still in very early days 

I'm hoping that my distorted body image will right itself 

I hope that I can grow to love or even just like my body

Because it allows me to do some amazing things 

And it's getting stronger and stronger all the time 

But the main thing is that I am healthy

And happy 

And I feel good in myself 

I think I will always struggle with accepting my body 

Buy that's not just an ED thing 

It's a woman thing 

It's a human thing 

I see all these celebrities on TV 

Who have had work done 

Even young people who really don't need anything done at all 

People are striving for beauty and perfection on the outside 

When the real truth is that beauty comes from within 

It's a cliche 

But it's true 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

How is your body image?

Do you hate/love/like/loath your body?

What do you do to help your image of yourself?

Do you think it's possible to love yourself and your body after an ED?

Answers on a postcard please.....

Monday

Apologies for the post free weekend 

The weather here has been glorious 

So I've spent most of it outside

Away from phones and TVs and computers 

As you may know 

Here in Ireland 

We pretty much get pants weather 

As in much rain

Much wind

And an awful lot of cold

But about once a year 

Just to tease us 

Mother Nature gives a little taste of what it's like to live in a sunny climate 

So for the last week

Our weather beaten country has been bathed in sunlight 

And boy do we appreciate the good weather when we get it 

I spent Saturday out in the garden 

In shorts and a vest 

I fell asleep in the sun a couple of times 

And by evening I looked like I was wearing red socks 

And a red t-shirt I was so burned

My skin felt hot and tight 

But it was my own fault 

I didn't wear sun cream

And I stayed out way too long 

It was hard to sleep that night 

As any pressure on my skin was agony 

I woke up the next morning 

Hoping it had begun to turn brown 

But it was still angry and red

Sunday morning 

And I had a horse riding lesson booked 

In the place where I fell off the horse three weeks ago 

I can't lie 

Having no been away for so long 

I was nervous to go back 

I thought about cancelling 

But I wanted to go back 

I didn't want my fear to get the better of me

So I headed out for my 10am lesson

I wore my new boots 

And really felt the part 

I arrived to see that Susan the instructor had a different horse for me 

A beautiful chestnut coloured one called Princess 

Susan said she thought Princess was suited better to me 

As I am 'a tiny little thing'

Princess was also older and slower 

And is what they call a 'confidence giver'

Age was definitely smaller than Sonny 

And more biddable 

I told Susan I was nervous 

So she talked me through everything 

And let me walk around the arena for a while 

Just to get my beatings 

Straight away 

I felt much better on Princess

More comfortable 

More in control 

On Sonny I felt like I couldn't control him 

As we walked around 

Susan constantly spoke to me 

To try and relieve my tension and anxiety 

I decided to tell Susan a bit about myself 

So she knows where I am coming from 

I explained that my previous horse riding was more horse therapy than lessons 

I also told her that I Am recovering from an eating disorder 

And horse therapy is part of my treatment 

Susan immediately apologised for calling me a tiny little thing 

But thdt didn't bother me at all 

I know she didn't mean any thing by Other than making an observation

I felt comfortable enough with Susan to tell her this 

As I just wanted her to know why I am horse riding 

And how my life has been effected 

Including my self esteem and confidence 

Susan was lovely 

And it felt good to be honest with her 

I really have no problem telling people about my past 

I don't feel ashamed 

I don't feel embarrassed 

It's my life 

My story 

At least it was my story 

Now I am writing a new chapter 

Where I throw myself in to life 

Where I live my life 

The way I want to 

Where I work 

I study 

I swim 

I dance 

I ride horses

I laugh 

I love 

Where I don't live a life dictated by drugs or food 

Soon I was trotting on Princess 

And it felt good 

All the while 

Susan was correcting me 

And giving my instructions 

It felt amazing on Princess 

So light I felt like I was floating 

So fluid and streamlined 

I asked Susan if we would try cantering today 

She left it up to me 

I really wanted to try 

As I love to canter 

And I wanted to face my fear

Susan gave me a bit of notice 

Then gave me the sign

As she told Princess to canter 

I held the safety strap

And sat in as much as I could 

I felt Princess speed up 

And I anchored myself in the stirrups 

With my heels down as much as I could 

As we went in to the canter 

I felt comfortable and in control 

It felt amazing 

The speed 

And the power of the horse is exhilarating 

It felt so good to face my fear 

After cantering a few times

I felt so much more relaxed 

Susan said I looked like a different person

Much happier 

And less worried 

I was just glad to have stayed on the horse!

The half hour was over so quickly 

And to cool down 

Susan brought me outside for a wAlk up the lane 

The cool breeze was welcome 

And we chatted some more 

Myself and Susan clicked really well

And I can genuinely see us being friends 

All too soon 

The lesson was over 

We brought Princess back to her stall 

And went around to the office 

I paid and thanked Susan 

And headed for home 

I always feel so good after a lesson

It's a natural high

A real adrenaline rush 

I feel so grateful to have found something that I love to do 

And get so much out of it

I'm meeting new people 

I'm around animals 

I couldn't be happier 

It's also great for my confidence 

And that ripples out to other areas of my life too 

I really feel like I am growing 

Getting stronger 

And feeling more capable and competent 

Today I had my doctor first thing 

My own doctor is away 

So I had Nice Woman Doctor this morning 

It was a quick one 

She asked me about the pancreatitis 

And told me that I should get bloods repeated in a couple of weeks

To check my Amaylase count 

Just to keep an eye on things 

After collecting my meds 

I went for a walk on the beach with the dogs 

We had a lovely time 

And they both went for a swim 

I did a little bit of shopping 

Before heading home 

Mum is still on crutches after her operation 

But she is much more mobile now 

She needs a lot of help 

And I am basically running the house at the moment 

Which I am actually really enjoying 

Of course I Always do my fair share of house work 

But at the moment the majority of the work is down to me 

The cooking 

The cleaning 

And anything that needs doing 

It feels good to be in control 

And I don't mind it at all

On Wednesday 

I am travelling to Dublin with my Dad

He is going to see a consultant about his hands 

His hands have lost a lot of power 

And the muscle seems to be wasting away 

Which also seems to be spreading up his arms 

He needs a lot of help 

He can't button his buttons 

Can't open jars 

Anything that requires grip or power he can't do

I am really hoping that there is something that can be done to help 

As he is really disabled as he is 

Anyway 

Fingers crossed 

So yes 

Things are ticking along nicely 

I feel good 

I feel well and strong and content 

Life is good 

And it's amazing to be able to say that 

I Am so grateful to be in a good place 

God knows it's taken me long enough to get here 

But better late than never right?

Right 

I feel hope for the first time in years 

I feel like I have a shot at living a happy life 

I feel positive 

I feel strong 

And I am loving life 

I can't ask for more than that.....

Weather

The weather in this part of the country has been glorious for the past few days 

Gone are the hats and scarves that were needed a few short weeks ago

And out come pale arms and legs 

They have been hidden away all winter 

Usually I don't welcome the summer 

Because of the good weather

Which means wearing less clothes 

Which means being a bit more exposed than I am comfortable with

But 

This year 

I'm just not going to worry about it 

I'm not going to stress about what I look like 

Because in the grand scheme of things 

It doesn't really matter

My family and friends will love me no matter what I look 

No matter what size or shape that I am

And as long as I am healthy 

As long as my clothes fit me

And my body is functioning well

I don't need to worry about it

It seems the older I get 

The less of a shit I give about what people think of me

And that is a great feeling 

I no longer try to fit in 

Or belong 

I can just be me 

And that is enough

Here are some photos of me and my best girls...

Decisions, decisions....

Now that I've been offered a job 

I'm having to juggle things around 

To make sure I can fit everything in

I really want to continue horse riding 

Which is at least one day a week

And I definitely need to keep going to meetings 

2-3 a week is a must 

I also have to factor in the fact I am caring for my mother at the moment 

And am pretty much running the house for the foreseeable future

I will be working about 24 hours a week

Which equates to three shifts 

So I've decided to postpone my course until September 

The course will always be there 

The job might not 

I am super excited to start working 

To be a working woman 

To have extra money 

To be out and about in the world 

I anticipate that the job will be very hard work

Both physically and mentally 

But im up for the challenge 

I feel ready to throw myself in to it 

I'm in a good place now 

My weight is stable 

My mood is good 

I feel capable, able and strong 

And I think this job could be the making of me 

There are just a few more ducks to get in a row 

I need to apply to the disability section of the social welfare 

My psychiatrist wrote me a letter 

Stating that the job would be of therapeutic value 

And so allow me to keep my disability benefit 

So I will get that done today 

Horse riding was so much fun yesterday 

It's so exciting to start cantering 

I really feel like I'm making progress each week

And that is an absolute joy!

Riding is helping me in so many ways 

It's something to look forward to every week 

It's really a whole day out for me each week

It takes an hour to drive there 

But I don't mind at all 

Because I love it so much 

I would travel three hours if I had to 

The healing power from horses and riding is incredible 

As you know 

I feel a great affinity with animals 

And get so much out of being around them 

It also helps with my confidence 

As I am out mingling and chatting with others 

I'm still a little shy and quiet 

But I know I will get there 

I know if I keep doing the next right thing 

I will be just fine 

As I wrote yesterday 

It feels like things are finally fitting in to place for me 

It's only taken me nearly 35 years

But at least I got there 

I think back as recently as Christmas 

I was so very lost 

Losing weight 

Losing my mind 

I felt like I was a little lost soul wandering around 

Not knowing what I was doing 

Or where I was going 

I had no direction

And I felt like I was drowning 

Like life was swallowing me up and spitting me out 

But I hung in there 

And things slowly began to change 

It was Mary who first told me about the horse therapy 

Our health service subsidies the horse riding as part of therapy 

So it only costs us €15 a lesson

Which is really good value 

If I could 

I would love to ride every day 

And maybe in the future I will

It has turned out to be a real passion

Something that fills the hole that drugs and alcohol left 

And that's what it's all about 

Finding healthy and meaningful ways to not only cope with life 

But to really enjoy life 

They say if you do what you love

You will never work a day in your life 

I am somewhat late finding out what I want to do in life 

But better late than never right?

I haven't experienced much happiness in my life 

And I don't think happiness is a constant thing 

At least for me it's not 

It's more like moments of happiness 

Here and there 

But at the moment 

Right now in my life 

I am as close to happy as I have ever been 

As well as happiness 

It's a feeling of contentment 

A feeling of steadiness 

Stability 

A feeling that I am on the right road 

That I am doing things that I love 

And that feeds my soul 

It such a relief to let go of all the self hatred and self loathing 

To stop caring so much what others think

I spent far too much of my life 

Trying to fit in

Trying to be part of the crowd 

And trying to get people to like me

But somewhere along the line 

I was trying so hard 

That I got lost along the way

I lost myself 

I used to mirror people 

If you were loud 

I was loud 

If you were quiet 

I was quiet

I didn't have the confidence to be myself 

So I copied you 

And figured that was the best way to be liked 

But now I know different 

Now I know that it doesn't matter one iota what people think of me 

If I am living my life in a good way 

With friends and family around me

If I am doing my best 

To be a good and honest person

Then it really doesn't matter what people think of me 

If I can lay my head down at night 

Knowing I lived that day to the best of my ability 

Then I can sleep well

With a clear conscience 

I thank my higher power for getting me through the day 

Without hurting myself or anyone else 

If I can do that 

Then it's been a good day 

It takes a lot of courage to be yourself 

In a world where there is so much pressure on us to conform

Especially on women 

To be all things to all people 

To be a mother 

A sister 

A daughter 

A worker 

A partner 

We are pulled in so many different directions 

It's hard to make time for us 

Time to just relax 

And recharge our batteries 

I guess I missed all the years where you develop your personality and your character 

Usually that happens in your teens and early twenties 

But as you know 

I was otherwise engaged during those years 

So I never really got to grow in to a young woman 

I found myself in my thirties 

Feeling like a 21 year old 

The body and face 

Did not match what was going on inside 

I know feel like I am playing catch up to everyone else 

Like I am ten years behind 

But that's ok

I will get there eventually 

I just need to hang in there 

Today is a good day 

I feel positive and hopeful about the future 

I feel like I have a fighting chance at life 

A happy life even 

And people 

If I can get through this 

Then I promise you 

You can too 

It's possible 

Recovery is possible 

It's a precious gift 

We just have to reach out and grab it...

Good news!

Today was a busy day

I got up early

To walk the dogs 

Mum was going back to hospital to have a check up

And I left the house at about 9am

To meet Fintan in town 

And we were going to head to horse riding together 

We arrived early 

So we decided to go in to the supermarket to get carrots for the horses 

When I walked in to the stables 

The horses heard the rustle of the packet 

And we're all looking very interested in said carrots 

We all got ready 

And began our lesson

It felt so good to be back today 

I really missed riding last week

And I got such a lovely welcome back from everyone 

We had a lovely lesson 

And I also got to canter today

Which was exhilarating!

One of the lads led me on Star in to the canter 

And it felt amazing 

The power of the horse 

The breeze on your face 

It's absolutely thrilling!

I watched Fintan canter 

And he is doing amazingly well

It's definitely something to aspire to

And to work towards 

Eilish gave me a pair of riding boots to wear to the show  

And today I asked her if I could buy them

She told me to keep the boots 

Which was extremely nice of her

So now I have my very own pair of bona fide riding boots

I'm chuffed 

We got back in to town at about lunch time 

I had a few bits and pieces to do 

Got a cuppa 

And then bought some work out clothes 

A pair of leggings 

And a light jacket 

So happy with that 

I also had a couple of jobs to do for Mam

Before heading home

I was just in the door

And sitting down with a cuppa 

When my phone rang 

I didn't recognise the number

Then I heard the voice 

And I knew it was the lady from the job I applied for 

She had some good news for me 

The job is mine if I want to take it!

And I can just work the twenty hours a week that I am allowed 

You guys 

I am so excited!

I actually got a job offer!

A real live job!

I must admit 

I really thought it wasn't going to happen

But it has 

And I am over the moon!

I start officially in June 

But I will be trained this month

So each week I will work two and a half shifts 

This news has made my day 

Now I will be a working woman!

A functioning member of society 

Paying taxes 

And generally paying my own way 

Now I will be able to save some money 

I won't be broke anymore 

I will actually have some money in my pocket 

And won't be counting the penny's at the end of the week

It really feels like things are coming together for me now 

Like a jigsaw slotting in to place 

Life is sweet 

And I am blessed to have such brilliant and amazing people around me

Who without, I know that I would not be in such a fortunate place 

I think this job will be great for me 

For my confidence 

My self esteem 

And general self worth 

I will be quite the busy bee now though

I will need to work hard to fit everything in

As well as horse riding 

My dogs 

Blogging  

And meetings  

I will need to plan my days carefully

And make sure I am taking care of myself 

Eating well 

Sleeping good 

Exercising 

And generally mind myself 

So yes 

I accepted the offer 

And am super excited to start working 

And be part of working world 

Right now 

The future looks bright 

There was a time 

Not too long ago 

When I couldn't think about the future without working myself up in to a ball of anxiety 

It was so uncertain 

So unstable 

But now 

Well now I have a place I go to each week

Where I feel accepted and part of the group

I get to spend time with animals 

I get to forget about all my issue

For that's hour 

It's just myself and Star

I never fail to come away from riding with a big grin on my face 

I feel so grateful today 

There is much to feel good about 

Thank God 

Tuesday

I went back to my meetings today

I attended the lunch time AA in my area

I got such a lovely welcome back from everyone 

I was so touched by all the hugs and kind words that I received 

I actually opened the meeting today

So that was good for my confidence

The meeting itself was great

It's always good to listen to other recovering addicts

I always come away

Feeling a little bit more peaceful 

A little bit stronger 

I shared too

About my hospital admission

And especially around the painkillers

I have to admit 

I am missing the Tramadol

I miss that sleepy feeling 

The warm waves that rush  through your body 

But I know 

I know what's in store for me if I continue down that road

Prescription or no prescription

If I am using said drugs to get a buzz

In a mood and mind altering way

Then in my book

That is using 

That is being in active addiction

I know I'll get over this 

I just need to hold steady 

Stay strong 

Attend my meetings 

Keep in touch with friends 

And generally keep my side of the street clean 

Even since Christmas 

I can feel a change in myself 

My mindset 

My confidence 

And self esteem 

I feel more sure of myself 

More in control of my own life

And that my friends 

Is huge!

In other news 

I going back to horse riding tomorrow 

I can hardly wait!

I've haven't been riding in about ten days now 

And I have missed it so very much!

Tomorrow I am getting a life with Fintan

Who is in my riding group

We both go the same way

So it's just as handy for us to travel together 

I've been wondering about weighing myself 

I'm wondering should I buy a new scales 

Or continue weighing in my doctors like I have been doing 

I do want to know my weight 

But I think once a week is more than enough to weigh

So I was wondering what you thought

Do you weigh?

Or maybe you don't weigh at all?

How often do you weigh?

Do you think it matters?

Inquiring minds want to know...

To Tramadol or not to Tramadol.....

Monday morning 

And back to the usual routine 

Saw my doctor first thing 

He asked about pain

I said that had a little bit 

He checked my abdomen 

To see where the pain was

And prescribed a medication for ulcers

I can't lie 

I was so tempted to ask for Tramadol 

I really was 

But 

I didn't 

I figured why make life difficult for myself 

A relapse is a slippery slope

Why invite that kind of shit in to my life?

I need to be awake 

As my mother needs me

So I resisted 

To distract myself 

I asked if I could weigh myself 

I had no clue what my weight was 

As I have no scale at home 

And hospital and being sick always messed with my weight

So I'm down about a kilo since the last time I weighed 

And just a bit lower than my target weight in hospital 

So I am happy enough with that

Well

As happy as a person with an ED can be with their weight

Anyway 

I have bigger fish to fry 

My course was cancelled today

So I find myself at a loose end

Although it's nice to have a few hours to myself 

Oh 

I must give you an update on the lunatic driver 

That tried to ruin the Darkness into Light walk

After he ploughed in to the crowd 

He actually hit one person

Who suffered minor injuries 

Not long after 

The mini was found in a ditch

The driver had been drinking all day

And was out of his mind 

I hope they lock him up

What a really horrible things to do

To try and scare the shit out of hundreds of people 

Who are trying to do something good 

But 

He didn't succeed in ruining it for us 

In fact 

This year was the most enjoyable Darkness into Light walk to date 

So things are ticking along nicely at the moment 

Apart from my little holiday on Tramadol last week

I am doing just fine 

I know if I continued to take the Tramadol

I would be hooked before I knew it

And I'm supposed to be caring for my mother for the next few weeks 

I can't do that if I am out of my head

It can happen so quickly and so sneakily though 

They say while you are in recovery 

Your addiction is doing press ups 

Getting stronger 

While I was in hospital 

I took advantage of their liberal prescribing ways 

I asked for sleeping tablets 

Which I got 

And didn't really need 

I asked for more painkillers 

Which I also got 

I know I can be manipulative 

I can play people

But I didn't want to bother my doctor this morning 

And also 

Things are going so well at the moment 

It would be such a shame if I relapsed again 

I'm just not willing the let that happen

In other news 

I got word that my prospective employer rang my two references 

So I'm thinking that's a good sign

They both gave me a glowing report 

Which I am so grateful for 

Given my history 

There aren't a lot of people who I can get a good character reference 

But the two I have are pretty solid 

One is my elderly neighbour 

Who I help out a lot 

And the other is the owner of the little pizzeria I used to work in

So hopefully I will be offered this job 

I will most definitely take it if I am

I will be back horse riding Again this week 

And I can't wait to get back on the saddle 

To see Star 

And to see everyone else 

I missed it do much last week 

So it's great to get back to it 

That's where I get my kicks these days

So no 

I don't need external substances to make me feel good 

I can look inside myself 

Use my own reserves 

And be strong 

I don't need drugs 

I don't need to escape 

I can do this 

I can live in reality 

And heck

I might even enjoy it!

Thanks for your concern after my last post 

And you are right 

I probably should never have been prescribed it at all 

But 

That's ok 

I will get through it

Right 

I'm off to make lunch for Mam

See you on the next post....

Darkness in to Light

You may remember last year 

And the year before

My Mum, my sister and I did the Darkness in to Light walk for Pieta House

Pieta House help families and individuals dealing with suicide

The idea is we start the walk in the darkness

And as we walk dawn breaks

We finish in daylight 

We woke up at 2 45am

To start the walk at 4 15am

This year we went to different location

And it was lovely 

Apart from one thing 

We had just started the walk

And my sister and I were just chatting

When we heard a car reving behind us

We turned around and saw a Mini Cooper travelling at high speed towards us

My sister pulled me out of the way

And the dogs 

The mini flew by us in to the crowd

I swear I could see my life flash before my eyes 

At the very last second 

The driver slammed on the brakes 

And stopped literally inches from the crowd 

The screams were blood curling 

As everyone tried to get out of the way

The mini continued up the road

Terrifying everyone

I don't know what happened next

But I hope the police caught him

What an absolute asshole

What kind of a person does that?

Deliberately scaring the beJesus out of people 

Anyway 

Apart from that 

The walk went great

Honey and Lea came too

Poor Lea was struggling towards the end 

But we all made it home safe and sound 

Here's the photos....

Blogger

Is it just me

Or does blogger seem eerily quiet these days?

I check my reader a few times a day 

And there are hardly ever any new posts to read

I guess Instagram is more popular these days 

And Twitter

But still

A lot of people seem to read this blog

And I get emails every day from readers And other writers

That is the great thing about writing this blog 

I never know what is going to happen because of it

I put myself and my story out there

As I want to speak for the cross addicted community 

As well as the ED community 

I feel my story is worth telling 

As it's not fairytale 

I didn't live happily ever after

Life is tough 

There are many many bumps in the road 

This last week proved that 

With both myself and my Mum being hospitalised

My pancreatitis couldn't have come at a worse time 

And hospital admissions are a real pain in the ass

But I'm home now 

And on the mend 

I spent yesterday getting the house in to some sort of order 

And also looking after Mam

I made her meals 

Helped her have a shower

And anything else she needs doing 

My sister is relieved I am home

As it takes some of the pressure off her

The only thing is that I'm going to miss horse riding for the next couple of weeks 

Unless I can organise a lift from someone 

I will really miss it 

As I love it so much 

Equine therapy has helped me in so many ways 

Building a relationship with Star has been amazing 

And he did me so proud on Sunday

He's a small horse 

But has a big personality 

I think we are perfectly suited

Being with animals really feeds my soul 

I find they aid with healing too

As they are so in tune with you 

For instance 

My two knew there was something going on last Sunday

As they were extremely and unusually quiet 

That's not like them at all

But yes 

Horse riding has been a life line

It has helped with my confidence in a big way 

And my self esteem

Growing in confidence has helped me with riding 

And that translates in to my every day life as well

If you had told me six months ago that I would be competing in a dressage show 

I would have laughed at you 

But I'm so glad I did it 

It really gave me a boost

Also 

There is the social side of horse riding 

I have made new friends 

Amazing people 

When we go riding 

We leave our problems at the door 

And have a laugh and a joke

There is great craic and banter 

If I could 

I would ride every single day

And I spend the whole week looking forward to Wednesday 

It's been better than any medicine 

Any therapy 

And any meeting 

I guess you find what works for you 

By a process of trial and error

Now I have found something to live for 

A reason to get up in the morning 

A purpose 

And that feels so good

In other news 

My neighbour just rang me

To let me know that the lady from  the job rang her for an reference 

I'm taking that as a good sign

That they are keeping me in mind 

If I do get the job

I don't know how I'm going to manage everything 

And I have doctors orders to rest and take it easy 

But I will play it by ear 

I really want to continue my course 

And if I get they job 

They are going to clash 

I will have to choose one or the other I guess 

Watch this space I suppose 

I met a friend yesterday 

A girl I used to be friendly with 

But we kind of drifted apart 

She also has addiction and ED issues 

So it's good to talk to someone who is in the same boat 

That is it from me today 

I'm a busy bee looking after Mum

So 

See you on the next post....