Her story

I was listening to the radio this morning

As I walked my dogs

I love listening to phone in and chat shows

There's something comforting about listening to others speak 

And not having to contribute

I usually listen to the same show every day

It's a phone in show, with all sorts of topics and guests

I can't walk without listening to something

Because I don't want to listen to my own head

This morning a girl called Ciara was interviewed 

The chat started out in a general way

And I wasn't sure about where it was going

Ciara spoke about when she was a child

And how she compared herself to others

And how she felt ugly

She was bullied as a child

And this confirmed all the negative beliefs she had about herself

I think I knew where this was heading

As it sounded very much like my own story 

As a teenager Ciara developed anorexia

She stopped eating

Or purged anything she did eat

And started exercising

Her family got her in to therapy

But she was totally resistant to it

Ciara described herself as a perfectionist

A stereo typical anorectic 

When age was a bit older

Ciara was admitted to John of Gods psychiatric hospital in Dublin

And did the eating disorder programme there 

Under Dr. Terence Larkin

My ears pricked up as I heard this

As this is the hospital I've been in many times

I had to laugh as I heard her comment that Dr. Larkin wore lovely socks

Because he did!

She described how she played the staff there

Toms them what they wanted to hear

But still maintained her disorder

She also described how she picked up tricks in hospital from the other girls

I am with Ciara in this one

Sometimes hospital can be like a school for EDs

You learn more about the disorder

Maybe how to purge

How to manipulate your weight

How to hide your disorder

Similar to a criminal going to prison and becoming a better criminal

Going to treatment can help you learn more about your disorder

This admission didn't work

And Ciara continued to starve and purge

She was then admitted to St. Patrick's hospital in Dublin

Where she completed the eating disorder programme there

I was also I this hospital

However my experience was not as positive as Ciaras 

This was the start of her recovery

Then her Grandad died 

And Ciara began to re evaluate her life

She began seeing a therapist in her home town

And described how she saved her life

She is now in recovery

She also writes a good blog over on Wordpress 

Which I had a look at

I loved listening to Ciaras story

It is similar to mine

And yet different 

She says herself that she is lucky to be alive 

I feel that way too

I was just talking with my addiction counsellor Breda yesterday

How I am so lucky to have made it out relatively unscathed

Considering what I have been through

I am not doing too badly 

Ciaras story is testament to how things can turn around for us

That there is always hope

And recovery is always possible

She described how recovery is not a destination

It's a process

We never arrive at recovery

We are always on a stage of it

I have no doubt that I was meant to hear this story today

I firmly believe that situations are put in our way to help us

We all have a story

And those of us with EDs and addiction have a very important story

I am hoping that through this blog

That my story resonates with someone

And helps them feel not so alone

My blog is not about telling people how to recover

Heck, I am only just figuring that out for myself

But my blog is as much for you as it is for me

I love to read honesty

And gear honesty at meetings 

When I hear honesty

It almost gives me permission to be honest to

And that in turn encourages others to be honest

It's s chain reaction

I am doing well at the moment

I met a good friend yesterday

Someone that I haven't seen in years

We went for tea

Had a great chat

And then got a meeting

Meetings are helping more than anything right now

I'm getting out

Meeting people

Talking to people

Making new friends

It's truly amazing how things can turn around

I am full of hope these days 

Not just for me

But for you too

Hearing Ciaras story today has done me the world of good 

It just goes to show

That if you surround yourself with positive people and things

Then that will rub off on you

Today is a good day 

Everything is exactly how it should

And I for one am glad to be alive 

Sunday

It was this morning

The same as any other Sunday morning

Except the clocks had gone forward 

And confused me so I had got up an hour earlier than I would normally

I watched tv for a while

And drifted in and out of sleep

I finally managed to wake up at about 10am

Got myself together 

And brought the dogs for a walk

It rained 

We got soaked

And headed back to the house

Marie texted

We arranged to meet at the lunch time meeting

I changed my clothes

And got ready for the meeting

Jumped in my car

And headed off

I think a lot when I drive

I couldn't tell you what I was thinking about

I know I was driving through the village

Mass was just over and there were air of people milling about

Cars pulling in and out

I was driving slowly 

Was just driving by a junction

When I saw it

A green jeep

There are a lot of green jeeps around where I live

And everytime I see one my heart stops

I scanned the registration plate

It was his

My heart now started to palpitate 

He was at the junction

So I drove right by his eyeline

I didn't look to see if it was him

I knew it was

I wanted to put my foot down and get the hell out of there

But the car in front of me slowed to a crawl

It seemed to take forever for me to drive past

I don't know if he saw me

I don't really care

But by the time I got to the meeting 

I was a mess

I had to sit in my car for a couple of minutes

And just breathe

And calm down

I managed to compose myself

And headed in to the meeting 

I guess it was bound to happen 

I was bound to run in to him sooner or later

In reality we frequent the same villages and towns

This is a small area

It was always going to happen

But still

I wasn't prepared for it

And it rattled me something serious

Just knowing that he is around unsettles me

But how and ever

It happened 

I survived 

I'm sure it will happen again

And I will survive that too

In other news

I reconnected with an old friend yesterday

When I first moved here

I used to attend meetings regularly

I mentioned in my last post that I was friendly with two of the men

One of the men in particular became a family friend

I guess he was like a sponsor to me really

We were friends for years

But I went of the rails

And pulled away from him and all my friends

I've spoke to him maybe a couple of times in the last few years

And yesterday I rang him

He didn't know who it was at first

I kept him guessing 

When he heard me speak

He knew then

It was so good to speak to him

And he was delighted to hear from me

We arranged to meet tomorrow and then get a meeting in

He's someone that I want in my life

So I am doing ok

Keeping close to good friends

Getting a lot of meetings

Staying out of trouble

I'm trying

And that's the main thing

Saturday

Another day 

Another meeting 

Myself and Marie decided to go to the next town for our meetibg yesterday 

Just for a change

And I wanted to reconnect with people who I used to know

I moved to this area 10 years ago this summer

And started going to meetings pretty much straight away

Mostly NA

But there were only two a week back then

Now there's one most days

Back then there was very few women at the meetings

Do I used to hang around with the men

There were two men in particular that I was very close to

They were in their fifties 

But I got on great with them

One especially became a family friend 

And was a great support to my mother also

Over time o drifted away from the meetings

And over the next few years I was in and out of the rooms regularly

So I picked Marie up at about 7pm

And we headed in to town

We arrived a few minutes late 

And skipped in to the room and in to two free chairs

I recognised a couple of faces straight away

And whispered hello

It was only when I looked around

That I realised that it was all males

I suddenly had a thought that maybe this was an all male meeting

I was going to ask 

But I figured someone would have said if it was

I sat beside a guy who I used to be great friends with

His name is Damien

Back in 2007/2008 we spent a lot of time together

It was around then that I was hospitalised  for my anorexia

I remember Damien calling up to me every evening

He would bring the paper

And we would do the crossword

We were constantly in and out of the ward going for cigarettes

Him pushing me in my wheelchair

And me in my fleecy pyjamas and hat and scarf 

Trying to ward off the cold that had hit in to my bones

He was a great friend

But again

We drifted apart

I was slipping and sliding

And he moved on

It was so good to see him last night

We had a big hug

And a quick catch up after the meeting

He asked about my mum

And the dogs

And we laughed about old times

It did my soul good

It was quite nerve racking being in a meeting of all fellas

And they were young guys too

I could feel my heart thumping in my chest as I tried to muster up the courage to speak

But I did it 

I shared about where I am at

And how I'm trying to get back on track

There was one guy there who I've known on and off for years 

When he was sharing

He said it was really good to see me

He said that he remembered a meeting once where it was just him and me

I could feel the anxiety in me rising

I remember that meeting

I shared something with him that I really regret

I won't go in to what I said 

But let's just say it left me in a very vulnerable position

I had hoped this guy had forgotten about it 

But he obviously hasn't

It made me feel super uncomfortable

 

Apart from that

It was a great meeting

I really got a lot out of it

It was so lovely to see some familiar faces

And so good to the amazing recovery that people have

I want that 

I want to be well so badly now

They say in meetings

That the only requirement is a desire to stop using and drinking

I can honestly say now

 That I have that desire 

And the more meetings I go to

And the more I listen to others share

It confirms in my mind that this is the right thing to do

And I am on the right path

I just feel so blessed

And so very lucky 

To have been given this second chance

And if a relapse was what it took to get me here

Then I can honestly say that it was worth it

They say everything happens for a reason

I subscribe to that way of thinking for sure

At the end of the meeting 

It was asked if anyone had any recognised clean time

One guy had a year

And everyone clapped

Then I was asked how long I was clean

I said three weeks

And everyone clapped and said well done

I know three weeks isnt a long time

But to me it's a first step

I am now a week back at meetings

And I am reaping the benefits in so many ways

My head is a much nicer place to be 

I feel so much more positive

I actually don't mind living in reality when I feel like this

I have no cravings

No urge to drink or use

No desire to contact The Boy

He now seems like a distant memory

I have hope now

Hope that there is life beyond my ED and addiction

Hope that I can be the person that I've always wanted to be

A good person 

A person who does the right thing

Someone you can rely on

And also the social side of meetings is great

I'm meeting so many people

And that is great for me

I was spending so much time on my own

That I forgot how nice it feels to be around people

To chat

To laugh

To identify and relate

To connect

To hug 

You can't beat that feeling 

And of course my feeling better has rippled out to the rest of my family

They can see that I am making the effort

And although they might not fully trust me yet

They can relax a little

Myself and Marie were chatting on the way home from the meeting

She really has been such a good friend to me

When a lot of people would have nothing to do with me

She was always there

Never gave up on me 

That means so much to me and I am eternally grateful to her

I used to wonder why I attracted unsavoury people

Crazy people

Junkies 

Trouble makers

I now see that it was because like attracts like

I have out those vibes

And so attracted those types of people

But now the opposite seems to be happening

I seem to be attracting good people

Honest people 

And that is amazing 

It means that they are the kind of vibes that I am sending out

That makes me feel so happy

It's funny 

As quickly as life can go down hill

It can also turn around just as fast

I feel hopeful now

Like I really have a chance to get my life back on track

I have been through a lot in my 33 years

I'm lucky to have made it this far relatively unscathed

I believe my struggles have a purpose

I'm not entirely sure what that purpose is yet

But I'm sure if I keep doing the right thing

Then more will be revealed 

Tonight Marie and I are going to another new meeting

And I am glad to say that I am looking forward to it

It's a good day today

It good to be alive and kicking

To feel good in myself

Now I just have to work hard to maintain this feeling

I hope I can do it

I think I can 

I really think I can 

Anyone out there?

My goodness the blogosphere is quiet these days 

Do you find that?

Hardly any new posts pop up in my reader

And it seems more and more people are abandoning their blogs 

I still wonder what happened to Rayya?

Winter?

Thinderella?

And so many more

I'm wondering why it's so quiet at the moment 

I mean is it just a lull?

Or is blogger old news?

Is Instagram and Twitter more popular these days?

I guess people prefer to look at photos

Rather than read a body of text

And here in our little ED corner of the blogosphere

We are all about the story

More so than photographs

Do you find it quiet at the moment?

Why do you think that is?

Neighbours

I think I mentioned recently that one of my neighbours died 

An elderly man

Now his wife is left alone

I call over a few times a week to run some errands for her 

And walk her dog 

Yesterday she asked me to pick up a couple of things for her from the shop in the village

I collected the items today

And called over to her

Her hearing is quite bad 

She doesn't hear the doorbell

So usually I give a loud knock 

And let my self in

I walked through the living room

And in to the kitchen 

She had her back to me

And got a bit startled when I said her name

Just then I realised what she was doing

She was pouring herself a glass of white wine

It was 10 30 am

I didn't know what to do

So I said nothing 

And acted like I hadn't seen anything

Then she told me she was planning on driving to the church down the road

I became worried as it is dangerous for her to drive at all

Never mind when she has drink on her

This makes me worry

I've known for some time that this woman and her husband like to drink

A lot

They met in AA over 20 years ago

But some where along the road 

They started drinking again

The woman was hospitalised a couple of years ago due to complications from drinking

She was in hospital for months

It was nothing short of a miracle that she pulled through

There has been trouble in that house over the years

Disruption

The guards were called numerous times

They often injured themselves from falling over while drunk

And then a couple of months ago 

The husband suffered a stroke

His wife didn't call the ambulance until three days later

As she though he was slurring his words and having trouble moving because he was drunk

He was hospitalised

And died six weeks later 

Now the woman is on her own

Her mind is sharp

But her body is old and weary

She really can't afford to be drinking

If something happens to her

If she falls or passes out 

There is no one there to help her

It's really very worrying

This is the ugly face of addiction

This is what happens when it gets a grip on someone 

All common sense and logic goes out the window

And the drink or drug takes over

If I need a reminder of the damage that addiction does

I need look no further than in to this woman's house

She is very much on her own 

No one ever calls to her house

She rarely seems to see her family

It's a sad and lonely existence 

Today is Day 5 for me

I got to two meetings yesterday 

An AA at lunch time

And an NA last night

It was my first NA meeting

And what a breath of fresh air it was

It was a small meeting

Four guys and me

I was so warmly welcomed back

Which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

I just have such a good feeling about this

About recovery 

My meetings 

And the people in them

I have an instinct that I am on the right path

That if I keep recovery focused

Then I can get my life back on track

When I was using

I was behaving so out of character

So shady

Lying 

Cheating

Sneaking

Plotting and planning

Ducking and diving

Trying to hide it from my family

The tension in the house 

The worry on my mothers face

No drug is worth that 

No drug is worth my peace of mind and my families too

Now I am getting back on track

My family can breathe a sigh of relief

They don't fully trust me yet

That will take time 

And I understand that

I am willing to do the work

One day at a time 

I've had to stop weighing myself

It was becoming a bit of an obsession

And anyway 

I've been the same weight for the past few months

Give or take a kilo 

I'm not entirely happy with my weight 

I would love to be 5 - 6 pounds less

But I can live with this weight

Just about

So I am in a pretty good place 

My head is a quiet place today

I'm working hard to stay well 

To keep steady 

To stay clean and sober

To nurture my relationships

And earn back trust 

I was saying last night 

That maybe it took this relapse to get me back on track

And if it did 

Then it was so worth it

I regret nothing it's made me the person I am today 

And that person is not a bad person 

I will get a meeting in tonight 

And a couple over the weekend 

I'm actually looking forward to it

And that my friends

Is a freakin' revelation!

Day 3

Technically today is Day 5

But it's my third meeting so we will call it Day 3

I got to the lunch time meeting today 

And will go to the 7pm NA this evening

Which will be my first NA meeting

It's great to have lunch time meetings to go to

Because some days it can feel like forever waiting for the evening meeting 

And it's great to start the day off on a good start

Chicken soup for the soul

I know I would go everyday if they were on

But I get to about 3 or 4 a week

And that is great

It was a small meeting today

Just six of us

Creepy man was there 

So I did my best to avoid him

It was a lovely meeting

Some people were talking about nature and animals

So when it was my turn

I shared about Honey and Lea

And how much they have helped me

I also spoke about Lea 

And how her fur fell out when I went in to hospital

And then grew back when I began to recover

So I really enjoyed the meeting

I am getting used to speaking in front of others

And don't get so anxious before hand

I had a phone call from Mary's secretary

To tell me that Mary had to cancel today's appointment

I am disappointed

But hopefully will get to see her next week

It's something to look forward to

My confidence is slowly coming back

It really was non existent

I felt so low in myself

Couldn't find any redeeming features about myself

I felt like I left a trail of destruction in my wake

That I hurt everyone around

A burden

A no good

Eating disordered

Drug addicted

Useless

Waste of space

I really thought I had nothing to offer

That I was bad through and through

Bad to the bone

But you what I am starting to realise?

That I am not a bad person

I never was

Yes

I have done some amazingly stupid things in my time 

If there was a stupid Olympics 

I would win gold every time

But the person who hurt the most through all my shenanigans 

Was me

Now that I am clean and sober

I know that deep down 

I am inherently good

I want to do the right thing

I don't want to hurt myself or others

I want to be a good person

It's amazing the difference a few days and a few meetings can make

Almost three weeks ago

My world came tumbling down 

As my family found out about my using 

It rocked them to the core

My mother, my sister and I

Stood in my bedroom

Them demanding that I get rid of any drugs that were in the house

And my refusing to do it in front of them

I honestly can't remember the last time I saw my Mum so angry and upset

It shocked me

Fast forward three weeks

And things are a lot better

As quickly as things can go downhill

The can also turn around just as quickly

I fought with myself for so long about meetings 

And struggled to accept that I needed them

I wanted to do things my way

The Ruby way

It might have worked in the short term

But if I want a life free from drink and drugs

Then I need to have some sort of plan

And meetings are a good plan

I'm not entirely sure why they are so effective

Essentially an AA or NA meeting is a gathering of addicts

Who come together to exchange their experience, strength and hope

We sit and share

About our lives

And our addiction 

And most importantly about out recovery

I always come out of a meeting re energised 

And full of hope

They do the trick every time 

Now I am wondering why I avoided meetings for so long

I bobbed along 

On my own

Running on the fumes of recovery 

Holding on by my finger nails

It took me way too long to find my way back to the rooms

But at least I got there

I feel like I have a chance now

A chance of a good life 

Free from drink and drugs

And all the bullshit that goes with them

There is a woman at the meetings who calls the chairs 'priceless' seats 

She is right 

Those seats are precious 

And not to be taken for granted 

I just feel very grateful today 

For meetings

For my family 

My friends 

And my dogs

As they say

Count your blessings slowly

And one at a time 

Meetings, Mary and many deep breathes

As I am finding out

90 meetings in 90 days is not as straight forward as you may think

I was due to go to an evening meeting last night

But then couldn't go as my meds had me quite sleepy 

And I didn't want to drive

So today is Day  3

And I am going to go to two today to make up for yesterday

Even though I'm only back at meetings a short while

I can already feel the benefits

My mood has lifted

I'm not craving a drink or drugs 

My head is clearer

The committee isn't as loud

I'm being more sociable

And my family have noticed too

I'm not so moody

Or irritable

Dare I say it

I'm behaving more like a normal person

Oh and I have some great news

I am seeing Mary today!

She rang me last week to arrange an appointment

And I am super excited to see her

For those of you that don't know

Mary is my ED therapist

I saw her for three years before the funding for her job was cut

But thankfully she has now been reinstated in her position

And I for one am delighted to have her back in my life

Mary is by far the best counsellor I have seen

I've seen many over the years

And most have tried to help

But only a couple really managed to

No doubt Mary will weigh me today

Which I am not looking forward to

When I last saw her

I was bordering on a healthy weight

But I'm sure that I look a lot different to the last time she saw me

I just keep having to remind myself that I am of a normal healthy weight

My weight is stable at a BMI of 20

And that is good

I still weigh myself every morning

For the last few mornings I've been bang on the same weight

I am ok with it

I'm not ecstatic about

I would love to weight five pounds less

But I accept this weight

And I am not actively trying to change it

But still

It will be hard to stand on another unfamiliar scale

In this country

We are known for our drinking

That's a stereotype

But we do as a nation drink a lot

However 

Over the last few years 

Another craze has taken off

And that is fitness

In all forms

Running

Walking 

Jogging 

Cycling

Spinning 

Yoga

Pilates 

Cyclists regularly use our road 

And there are many  MAMILS

( Middle aged men in Lycra)

Now every where you look 

There are people kitted out in running gear

The colourful trainers

Tight black running leggings

Head bands

Hats

And of course headphones

They are everywhere

I see them when I walk my dogs 

When I look out my window

Buying healthy food in the supermarket

Going in to/ coming out of the gym

Oh yes

This new breed of people are taking over

I'm not a huge fan of working out 

Only that I have two dogs

I probably wouldn't walk every day

I tried running a couple of times

And hated every second of it

I don't wear proper work out clothes

And don't own a pair of trainers specifically for running 

When I walk I usually wear a track suit or jeans

And my high tops

I always feel over dressed as I pass all you lycra  loving ladies 

Why am I writing about this?

I guess because I'm feeling the pressure to fit in

To swap my high tops for high preformence trainers

And my comfy jeans for colourful Lycra

I feel the pressure to start jogging

To move more 

And eat less

I feel left out because I am not part of the 'fitness gang'

Years ago it was the trend to be super skinny

Now it seems to be all about getting healthy, strong and fit 

Which is more preferable to bring thin

But there is still pressure to conform 

I definitely feel it

But I know I have to be careful

As my ED can take over

And obsession kicks in

I guess a lot of us have to watch that

It would be nice to find a happy balance

To exercise for enjoyment and health

And not to lose weight

I was wondering about you

Do you feel pressure to exercise and work out?

Have you ever like me battled exercise addiction?

Do you exercise now?

I'd love to know 

Sobriety?

This comment was left on my blog yesterday

Sobriety? How many mls of methadone are you on again?

I know I shouldn't feed the trolls

And shouldn't give this person any more attention

I should really ignore and move on

I shouldn't let this person get to me

But I have 

And I take issue with this comment

Anonymous I think you know exactly how many mls of methadone I am on

26

I know that technically I am still dependant on a drug

I am also on various other medication

They have all been prescribed to me by my doctor

It's not like I am buying these drugs on the street

And taking them as I see fit

My meds are dispensed daily 

And I don't abuse them in the way that I used to

Methadone seems to polarise people

You either agree with it

Or you don't

Methadone has a bad reputation

It conjures up images of pale vacant junkies

'The walking dead' as one newspaper here called them recently

Methadone means trouble to a lot of people

And like any group of people

There are always some bad eggs

But there are also people like me

People who use it correctly

And are working to come off it completely

I'm not a trouble maker

I don't sell my methadone

Yes I messed up recently

But I am doing my level best to get back on track

Maybe in your eyes I am not clean anonymous

But I am as clean as I can get right now

Yes, I am physically dependant on methadone

But isn't that miles better than being addicted to heroin

Existing in that murky under world of addiction

I'm not committing crimes to get my drug

My life is not chaotic or unmanageable

For the most part I am stable

I am steady

I am doing the best I can

I've been getting quite a few negative and nasty comments recently

It seems that some people are not willing to give me a second chance

Of course when I write a post

I put myself out there for everyone to see

And with the positive

There is also negative

I understand that

And it's ok

Everyone is entitled to their opinion

And freedom of speech

But there is no excuse for smart arse comments

Written anonymously of course

I was wondering about you

Do you ever get nasty comments?

How did you deal with them?

Do you think it's best to ignore them?

Or do you reply to them?

I'd love to know......

Day 2, again

I got to a lunch time meeting today

Technically I am on Day 4 of the 90 day challenge 

But today is only my second meeting

So I am counting it as Day 2

I wasn't particularly looking forward to the meeting

At one stage I wasn't going to go at all

And was going to stay at home and over use my meds

But 

I managed to get off my bony bum

And go to the meeting

There was about 12 there today

A good mixture of people

I still get quite nervous when it's my turn to speak

But today I managed to speak more than I usually would

My ex sponsor was at the meeting

I am thinking of asking her to be my sponsor again

As I definitely need one

I'm really feeling the benefits of going to meetings

It gives me a purpose each day

Something healthy to throw myself in to

My head feels a lot clearer

And the committee is a lot quieter

I feel stronger

More capable and able

More positive and hopeful

Socially it's great too

As I am meeting new people 

And talking to people

All in all

Going back to meetings was one of my better ideas 

So it's onwards and upwards from here

Plenty of meetings 

Seeing my friends

Getting out the front door

And living my life

I also had to do a lot of accepting

Accept that I can't use or drink

At all

Accept that I am an addict

That I have an addictive personality

I've had to accept that I need meetings

But that not every one at the meetings is well

I've had to filter out a lot of the shite that is talked at meetings 

And listen carefully to the people who are healthy and strong in their recovery 

Unfortunately they seem to be in the minority

Anyway

I will keep going

Keep fighting

For a better life

For a future

For peace of mind

And sanity

What is the alternative......?

Calling all readers!

This blog gets quite a lot of hits every day

Any where between 300 - 1000

I look at my statistics and see that people from the four corners of the earth read it

From the U.S. to Australia

From the UK to Singapore 

From Spain to Mexico

However 

I only really know a small percentage of you

And only a small percentage of that actually leave a comment

Of course I know some of you

The regulars you might call them

And I look forward to hearing from you each post

But today I want to reach out to those of you that don't comment

You silent readers

Or lurkers

Whether you read every day

Or drop by from time to time

Whether you have commented before 

Or never commented at all

If you have an eating disorder

Or some other mental illness

If like me you struggle with addiction

Or are trying to maintain your sobriety

If you comment anonymously 

Or use a fake name

If you are lonely

Afraid

If you feel like you are dying inside

Or maybe you are embracing recovery

If you read to relate

Or you read and count your lucky stars you're not like me

Maybe you don't like me

Maybe you are one of those anonymous commenters who gives me a hard time

Whoever you are

And where ever you are from

I Invite you today to come out of the shadows 

And let me know who you are

What your name is

Why you read 

Why you visit my blog

Why you agree or disagree with me

I invite you to introduce yourself

I'd love to meet you......

Day 3

Just to give you an update on the 90 day challenge

It's turning out not to be as straight forward as I thought

Monday is doctor day as you know

I was up early 

And my mum the dogs and I headed in to the surgery

Mum took the dogs for a walk while I went to see my doctor

He asks how I am

I explain that I am doing better

And getting to more meetings

He asks me to do a drug test

Which is no problem as I know I haven't used 

The only reason it will be positive is if there are still reminints of the drug in my system

I retire to the rest room

And do the delicate balancing act of peeing in to a little cup

Thankfully I go with little effort

I clean up

And flush

And head back in to my doctor

He checks it after a minute

It's negative

That's good

That's progress I think

At least now I know I am drug free

The next topic he brings up is that of my methadone reduction

He reminds me we were going to drop it today

I ask if we can wait one more week

He agrees

I am relieved 

I go and collect my meds

And head down to the beach to meet my mum

I take my meds in the car

I am still on daily dispensing

My doctor told me he will change that next week

We head home

And I sleep for a few hours

Mum goes to work at about four 

She tells me I shouldn't go in to town tonight as the weather is due to be bad

I had planned to go to a meeting

And I really wanted to go 

Against my better judgement 

I set off for the meeting at eight

However about 10 minutes later I have to pull in

As it is beginning to sleet

I ring my dad to ask him if the weather was due to get worse

He said it was 

And suggested I turn back

I don't want to

But I know it would be foolish to continue on

So I swing my car around 

And head home

I feel mildly annoyed that I didn't get to my meeting

As I really wanted to do 90 in 90 days

But as my mum said

I did my best to get there

My intentions were good

And I can make up for it during the week

The next meeting is tomorrow lunch time

So I am looking forward to that

I know that sometimes the universe conspires 

And life doesn't turn out the way we want or expect

And that's ok

Shit happens

Tomorrow is a new day

And all I can do is my best 

Stereotype

I was reading an article in the Sunday Times magazine yesterday

It was an exert from a book called The time in between: A memoir of hunger and hope

Written by Nancy Tucker

Who developed anorexia when she was a teenager

The pieces started off with Nancy talking about her need or desire to be perfect

In school

Her work

Her appearance

Her body

I guess the stereotype for an anorectic is a middle class white girl

Privileged 

Prone to perfectionism

A good girl

Although that's not entirely true

The stereotype persists

Nancy developed anorexia at the tender age of twelve

And was locked in a battle of wills either parents for the next few years

She was hospitalised

Dropped out of school

Her whole world became about avoiding eating

She just wanted to be thin

But of course anorexia becomes something else entirely

A prison 

A locked box that is nigh impossible to break out of

When Nancy was 15

She stopped eating completely

A single morsel didn't pass her lips for 93 days

She came to the realisation that she was going to die if something didn't change

She wanted to recover like 'the homeless want three inches of snow'

But she she knew she needed to

If she wanted to live

Slowly Nancy began to recover

She regained weight

And got her life back

She describes recovery as 'an up and down, hop-skip-jump progression and once you reach the finish line the referee will inform you that in fact - surprise! There is no finish. There is only a bumbling, stumbling, getting back up and crumbling now. There is only today'.

This article was a fascinating read

I could identify with some parts

Some parts I couldn't 

I don't fit neatly in to the diagnosis of anorexia

I was never the 'good girl'

The high achiever

The perfectionist

I was always pushing the boundaries

Seeing how far I could go

I guess in the early years of my illness

I was strictly anorectic 

But even then it wasn't straight forward

I was addicted to drugs

And so wasn't aware of my ED for the first few years

And over time

I developed bulimia alongside it

Complicating things further

Bulimia is the antithesis of anorexia

As I always say

If anorexia is cold and silent and aloof

The bulimia is loud and brash and on your face

Anorexia is all about denial 

Restriction 

Punishment

Bulimia is all about indulging

Over indulging

Trying to flip that hole in the soul

Then purging the body of the excess

They are opposites

But on the same spectrum

Both serve the same purpose

To numb

To escape 

To hurt

And they do that job well

I guess I am a mixture of anorexia and bulimia

I swing between the two

And could display behaviours of either on a given day 

Take yesterday

I didn't eat anything for about 20 hours

But this morning

It's only 11am

And I've already eaten crisps and chocolate 

Like I say

It's one extreme or the other

Recovery is a tentative word at the moment

I'm as well as I can be

I haven't used in two weeks 

But my meds are still a bit all over the place

This week I am thinking of giving my meds to a family member to dole out to me every day

Just while I get back on track

As for my ED

As I said 

I think this is as good as it gets for me right now

My weight is stable

But the purging persists

Some days I might purge once

Some days it could be five times

But this is a vast improvement 

I think back to 18 months ago

I was out of control

Smoking 30 cigarettes a day

And spending €100 euro on them

That left me with about €90 for the week

And that went on binge food

This is also part of the reason I used to shoplift

Some thing I haven't done in a long time now thankfully

I spent my days binging and purging

I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom

Endlessly marching the March of an active bulimic

Ovet working the toilet

To the point of breaking it on two occasions 

I was a mess

I am now just a year in to my recovery

My mood has improved dramatically

My anxiety is under control for the most part

My health is infinitely better

Both mentally and physically

My quality of life is so much better

And now my addiction recovery has started

It's sad that it took a relapse for me to finally see I needed help

But

It takes what it takes

Now I feel like I am on the right path

I feel motivated and positive and hopeful

I feel like I have a shot at having a good life

A sober life

Today is Day 3 of my challenge 

I'm hoping to get to a meeting tonight

And I'm feeling nervous already 

All I can go is my best 

That is enough

I say my doctor this morning

He drug tested me

And my urine is now negative for everything

That feels good 

Now I know the drugs have left my body

And I can concentrate on getting on with the rest of my life

I was wondering about you

Do you fit the stereotype for anorexia or bulimia?

What do you identify as ED wise?

Do you think the stereotype for anorexia is accurate?

I'd love to know what you think......

Day 2

So it's Day 2

And I still feel excited about the 90 day challenge 

I woke early

Determined again to stay busy again so the committee it my head wouldn't talk me out of going

Physically I'm not feeling great

As I have my period

I had to drag my weary body out of bed this morning

But I'm so glad I did

I had to leave my sister at the bus stop

As she is going away for a few days

Then walked Honey and Lea

Came home

Quick cuppa

Got changed

And set off to collect Marie

We arrived at the venue

I had butterflies in my tummy

I hadn't been to this meeting in years

And was nervous to say the least

We went in and took our seats

I watched the people coming in

Some I recognised 

Some I didn't 

I had already decided that I wasn't going to speak

I just didn't have the courage or confidence

For those of you that don't know

It goes like this

Someone opens the meeting

And reads the preamble 

And the steps

Then someone else does 'The top table'

Which means they share their story of addiction and recovery

It's always great to listen to these speakers

It was just what I needed to hear today

One by one

Everyone spoke

Until it was just me left 

I was so nervous

But somehow I got the words out

My name is Ruby 

And I'm an addict

I haven't said those words in such a long time

But they are so true

I am an addict

A recovering addict

I spoke briefly about how I had just returned to meetings after a relapse

And that I was very grateful to have made it back in to the rooms

Relatively unscathed

When I had finished speaking

The woman next to me 

Reached over and took my hand

I was really touched

All in all

The meeting lasted two hours

Which is unusually long

But it did the trick

As it always does

And reminded me why I need the rooms

And the people in them

Tomorrow will be my first evening meeting

Which will be harder to get to I think

As I will have all day to deal with my crazy head

And the argument back and forth of whether I should or shouldn't go

But

I'll deal with that tomorrow

For now

I'm going for another walk in the sunshine

And enjoy the rest of my day

Below is my calendar for keeping track of my days

A doggy one of course

2 down

88 to go

Anorexia picture

I was browsing the internet yesterday

Looking at this and that

There was a particular picture I wanted to find

It's a picture of a girl

With a skinny little body wrapped around her

I think it's a great image to describe what it is like to live with an eating disorder

It's almost like having another entity surround you

It takes you over

Like it's in control of you

In charge of your thoughts and actions

Anyway

I was looking for this picture

And I typed 'Anorexia photo' in to Google
I was scrolling down
Skimming the images
When towards the end of the page
I found myself looking at a familiar face
I know that person I thought
I recognised what they were wearing
The mirror the photo was taken facing
And the room
I looked closer
And suddenly realised that it was me!
I did a double take and checked again and again
But it was in fact me
A very recent photo of me in my new stripey dress

I know that I put images of myself and my blog
And I write every day
So my pictures and words fall in to the abyss that is the internet
And I guess when you do that
You give that information away
It's not your own anymore
However
It was still a shock to see it

Then this morning
I decided to check again
To see if I was imagining things yesterday
But the photo had vanished
In fact it seemed to be an entirely different set of images
So I am wondering if that photo of me was there because I used my own phone
And I look at my blog here every day
Or was it just a fluke?
It makes me realise that I need to be very careful what I post on the Internet
As once it's put out there
It's not your own anymore

So I'm wondering
Has this ever happened to you?
Have you ever come across a photo of yourself on the Internet in an unusual place?
Do you post photos of yourself on the Internet?
If not why not?
I'd love to know.......

Day 1

So today was my first meeting

Of the 90 in 90 days that I am doing

Well

Kind of

I woke early 

Collected my meds

Went for a walk with my Mum and dogs

Did the food shopping

And texted my friend Marie to see if she was still up for going to the meeting

She was

And I arranged to meet her at her house at 11 30am

I got home 

Had a quick cuppa 

And headed out

I deliberately kept busy in the morning

So I wouldn't have time to talk myself out of not going

I really wanted to go

And to say that is huge

That I actually want to go to a meeting 

For me

Not because I think it's what I should go

Not to appease my family

Not to meet other addicts

But for me

For my recovery

For my sanity

For my peace of mind

For my own crazy head

I arrived at Marie's on time

The meeting was about half an hour away

And we picked up another girl on the way

This was a bit of a big deal for me too

As meeting someone new is not something I do a lot of

But we had a great chat in the car on the way

And arrived just before 12 30pm

The time we thought the meetibg started

Just then we saw a member coming out of a shop

We rolled down the window and asked her what time the meeting was at

She said it was already over

That it had in fact started at 11am

This was pretty unusual

As meetings during the day usually start at 1pm

However it was over 

There was nothing we could do about it

We met up with another member

And decided to go for coffee

In the end

We had a lovely time 

Almost like our own little meeting

I wasn't going to count today as day 1

But my friends suggested that I do

As my intention was there

And we kind of did have a meeting

So I am going to count it

One down 

89 to go

There were times today 

When I felt really awkward

Like I had nothing worthwhile to say or contribute

Like I was a boring person with nothing interesting to say for myself 

Like I wasn't pretty enough

Thin enough

Good enough

I must make it clear that my friends didn't make me feel this way

Not at all

This all comes from my low self esteem

And non existent confidence 

But even though I had these feelings

I still did it

I left my house 

I tried to get to a meeting

I met new people

I tried my best to be myself

To get on with others

And you know what?

I really enjoyed it

I had a great time

I chatted

I listened 

I spoke a little bit

I was open

I laughed

It felt good to step outside my comfort zone

And do something new

I'm now back home

And I feel like I am on cloud nine

I feel positive

Hopeful

I feel pumped for these 90 days

I feel it's one of the best ideas I've had in a long time

I don't doubt that it will be hard 

But then nothing worth doing ever is

I owe it to myself and my family to give this a chance

I really feel like it is the right thing to do

I told Marie what I was planning on doing

She thought it was a great idea

And made the point that even if I don't  get to a meeting every single day

At least I will be on the right path

All it takes is everything I've got

I only have to change one thing

Everything

So tomorrow is Day 2

I am to go to a lunch time meeting locally

And am picking up Marie on the way

I've decided to use Em's suggestion

And mark off the days on a calendar

To keep track of my progress

I feel so excited to do this

So full of hope

I know it's the right thing to do

I can just feel it

90 Days

When someone comes out of treatment
Or is just starting to recover
It is often suggested that the person do 90 meeting in 90 days
At least one meeting a day
To get a good start
A solid foundation on which to build on
To get used to meetings
To get some discipline back in their life
Correct me if I am wrong
But I think this tradition started in the US
When someone was in court for offences relating to alcohol abuse
Instead of sending the person to jail
They were told to do 90 meetings in 90 days
AA then borrowed this idea

So I am thinking of doing this
Of really giving it a shot
Throwing myself in to meetings
It can only be a good thing
I was going to start on Monday
But my friend texted me to ask if I wanted to go to a meeting today
So am going to start today
I have worked it out
And there is a meeting within 30 minutes of my house every day
So it really is possible
If I put my mind to it
My heart and soul in to it
I have nothing to lose
And every thing to gain

It's two weeks now since I last used
I've finally wrapped my head about the fact that I can't use
Anything
It's all or nothing
Sobriety or oblivion
I think I am doing ok considering where I was this time two weeks ago
I am doing my best to live in reality
And not try to run away from myself and my life
I talked it over with my sister about doing the 90 meetings
I think it would be a good challenge for me
Something to focus on
A reason to get up in the morning
A purpose
I'm always complaining that I am bored
This would give me something to do every day
The more I think about it
The more I like the idea

I expressed concern to my sister that I might not complete the 90 days
But she made the point there is nothing wrong with trying
She is dead right
All I can do is my best
So I am going to try
I'm doing this for me
For my recovery
My sanity
My peace of mind
And of course everyone around me will benefit too

I know some of you out there go to meetings
Has anyone ever done 90 meetings in 90 days?

Walk

I was doing my usual walk down at my local beach this morning

When I came across this 

It made my day
And the Hunster decided to photobomb.....

Self harm, selfies and the wanderers return

I want to thank all of you who commented on my last post

For those of you that don't know

I posted some photos of myself in some new clothes that I bought

And I got quite a nasty comment

Anonymous of course

I wouldn't expect anything more

But you all  jumped to my defence 

And told anonymous where to go 

So thank you for that

So the wanderers have returned

As in my mum and my sister are back from Prague

Myself and Honey and Lea we're delighted to see them

The dogs were so excited they had a fit

A good time was had by all

And it was great that I could tell them that my few days went well too

No hiccups 

No disasters

No lying 

I kept my head up

And my bun down

And stayed well out of trouble

I watched a documentary a couple of nights ago

Called My self harm nightmare

It told the  story of 3 girls 

Who used to use self harm and pro ana websites

One of the girls used to have a pro ana blog

She has 10, 000 followers 

And she was extremely unwell

And posted many photos of herself in various states of undress

With pointy bones and sharp edges

Another girl really struggled with self harm

She said she did it because it was the only thing in her life that she could control

She had been hospitalised many times after cutting herself

Her arms were covered in long deep scars

I have never really struggled with self harm

Of course I experimented when I was a teenager

And I have tried it

But it did little or nothing for me

So I didn't continue

But I know that some of you struggle greatly with this

I guess we all have different coping mechanisms

Mine was drugs and food

Or lack of food

Some body else's might be gambling or sex or self harm

 There all forms of self abuse

The documentary talked a bit about Pro-ana websites

And the girls on these websites encourage each other to lose weight

Posting photo after photo of emaciated malnourished girls

Making YouTube videos of how miserable they are

I have to admit 

I haven't come across that many Pro-ana sites

I mean the hardcore ones

Apart from anas challenge

Who stalked all our blogs for a while

But myself and Bella came to the conclusion that he was a dirty old man trying to get pictures of young girls

But I guess I haven't really gone looking for these sites

As I am sure they are there

I know that the public are campaigning to get these sites criminalised

The parents on the documentary said that if their daughters hadn't had access to these sites

Then things wouldn't have got so bad

I guess we are still in the infancy of the Internet

And things like pharmaceuticals, synthetics and drugs are easy to buy

And these sites are not monitored 

I'm sure in time there will be stricter laws as to what you can and can't do on the Internet

I see blogger is removing any offensive content now from blogs

I'm almost tempted to go looking for these so called Pro-ana blogs

Just out of curiosity 

I'm presuming that these sites are run by maudlin teenagers 

I hope that anyone older than that would know better

Maybe I'm wrong

I don't know 

I guess there are a lot of sick and twisted people in the  world

To think that someone would encourage you to starve or purge or self harm

Is a scary thought

I deliberately don't comment on people's weight here on blogger

I don't condone or congratulate weight loss

It's not something that is healthy to endorse

Unless the person needs to lose weight

And is doing it in a healthy and careful way

My point of view on what constitutes  beautiful has changed in the last year

I used to crave extreme thinness

Protruding collar bones

Pointy hip bones

This was perfection to me

But now my perception has changed

I no longer crave that look

Now I want to be fit and strong

Healthy even 

What a revelation!

I was wondering about you

Have you ever used Pro-and sites?

What is your view on them?

Do you think they should be banned?

I'd love to know...

Clothes Post # 15

 I had to make a visit to my dentist this morning

As two of my crowns came out

While I was in town 

I nipped in to River Island

I had tried on a dress there last week

And instead of impulse buying it

I decided to wait a few days to see if I still wanted it

It's now a week later

And after trying it on again

I still liked it

So I purchased it

And also a cheeky pair of jeans

The navy and white striped dress is a size 8

And cost €46

The faded jeans are a size 10

And cost €50

Here is some photographic evidence......

A weighty issue....

I just spent about 45 minutes trying to take a flattering photograph of myself

To post here on my blog

I put on make up

Tried on different clothes

Put my hair up

Took it down

Straightened it

Tried different poses

Smiling

Frowning 

Pouting

But no matter what I did

In my eyes

I looked like a beached whale

I actually hated the way I looked

And it reduced me to tears

I finally gave up

Certain that no matter what I did

I would still be a fat girl with wonky teeth and lines around her mouth and eyes

I won't lie to you

Since I stopped using

My food issues are spinning out of control

I'm binging and purging like it's going out of fashion 

And am hating every second of it

When I am binging and purging one of two things happens

I either lose a lot of weight very quickly

Or I gain a lot of weight very quickly

Unfortunately for me

The latter is happening 

And I've gained 5 pounds in the last week

5 pounds may not sound like a lot

And of course it could be a fluctuation

But to me

It might as well be 50 pounds

It is bothering me that much 

I weigh myself every morning

And that little number that shows up has the power to ruin or make my day

That number dictates my self worth

Self esteem

And confidence for that whole day

That number can send me shooting into euphoria

Or spiralling down in to depression

I hate that it has so much power over me

But it does

I might be perfectly fine 

Mood stable

Feeling good in myself

Then I step on the scale

And my whole world comes crashing down

I shit you not

Because the scales is in my bedroom

Members of my family come in to weigh themselves from time to time

My other sister was down on Sunday

And she asked me if she could weigh herself

I accompanied her down to my room

As I am always fascinated to watch others weigh in

For me weighing is an intensely personal thing

I do it alone

And the only other person who I would let see was Mary

Of course I also like to watch others weigh

As I compare my number to their number

So my sister and I went down to my room

She removed her boots

And stood on the scale

I hope she won't mind me revealing her weight 

She was 142 pounds

She stands at about 5'2

I was fascinated to watch her reaction

According to her she had gained about 10 pounds since the last time she weighed

She was a bit disappointed

But she didn't let it get to her

She said she knew she had gained

As her clothes felt tighter recently

But five minutes after she had weighed

She had forgotten all about it

And got on with her day

My other sister is the same

She weighs herself in my room from time to time 

Just to keep track of it

And again the number makes little or no difference to her

She sees the number 

She may feel a bit happier or a bit disappointed momentarily

But then she moves on

And gets on with her day

How I would love to be like that

I just ran over to my neighbour 

To tell her I would walk her dog in a while

I mentioned that I am going to have reflexology done today

She seemed interested in it

So I was explaining that my counsellor referred me to it

My neighbour asked me how I am doing

And I told her I am good for the most part

She told me that I look great

Compared to what I looked like 18months ago

I thanked her 

But it's still hard to accept compliments

I know people are kind

And want to acknowledge my getting better

Their heart is in the right place 

I understand that

But I still find comments about my weight hard to take

Maube in time that will improve

But I guess it's still early days for me

My Dad has been staying with me for that last few days

While my Mum and sister are away

He has noticed the binging and purging

And mentions it sometimes

A lot of the time 

I am not even aware of it

I'm on auto pilot 

Matching from the kitchen to the bathroom

Over and over and over again

It's constant

Non stop

And it's exhausting

Soul destroying

Relentless

I hate it so much

And yet I can't stop

Breda tell me that I have been referred back to Mary

Although I haven't heard anything yet

I don't know if I mentioned it

But Mary has been reinstated to her job of ED therapist 

Which is just awesome!

So hopefully I will hear from her soon

As I really need the extra support right now 

I turn 34 this year

That means I've clocked up 16 years in the midst of this illness

Almost half my life

And my self worth has been intrinsically linked to my appearance and weight in all that time

It's not that I want to go back to being underweight

I really don't want to go back down that road

Where I was sick and miserable and emaciated

Been there 

Done that 

Bought the extra small t-shirt

I want to be healthy

I was to be strong and fit and able

I want to look like my age

But I also want to feel good in my own skin

I want to be able to walk down the street and not burst in to tears when I catch my reflection in a window

I want to be able to look in the mirror and think

Hey, you look ok

I want to be confident when someone takes out a camera to take a photo

And I want to look at that photo and not want to die inside

I just want to be ok to be me

And to look like me

You know?

So yes

I'm about 5 pounds heavier than I would like to be

Not a huge amount

But enough to make me feel quite uncomfortable 

I'm not going on a diet 

Or anything like it

But I am going to be mindful of what I am eating

And try to make healthy choices

On the other hand

I guess I could try to accept these 5 pounds

I could try to love them the way I'm trying to love the rest of me

I am still in the lower range of healthy

So maybe I can afford to carry 5 extra pounds

And maybe I will lose them as quickly as I gained them

 

And anyway

Us ladies are under a lot of pressure to be thin

And to look perfect

Imperfection just isn't tolerated 

Ads on tv are all about trying to make us feel inadequate 

So we will buy that anti ageing cream

Or that lash volumizing mascara

The advertisers like to keep us in a state of insecurity 

So we will buy whatever it is they are selling

And the thing is

The people who love us

Will love us no matter what we look like

No matter what dress size we are 

And no matter what we weigh

I know i don't judge people by how they look 

So why do I think others judge me?

Today I will accept the extra five pounds that clings to my body

I will hold my head up high

And walk with confidence

I will do my best to love myself

And to be kind to myself

God knows I've hated myself for long enough

It's time to call a truce on my body

It's time to let bygones be bygones

To forgive and move on

To let go of all that hate that I've held on to for so long 

And to rock

And make the most of what I've got

Are you with me ladies?

For today

Just for today

Let's stop hating and bullying ourselves 

Let's be ourselves

And feel beautiful in our own skin 

I'm tired of hating on myself 

Are you?

Where is everyone?

Is it just me or is blogger deathly quiet at the moment 

Hardly any blogs show up on my reader now adays 

And it seems that more and more people are abandoning their blogs 

I hope and pray this is because they have got well

Because they don't need this support anyore

I hope it's because they are now living a full and rich life and don't need this outlet anymore

I hope it's because they finally told their EDs to fox trot Oscar

In other words to f#*k right off

I'm wondering is it blogger?

Is blogger yesterday's news?

Have people move on to something else?

Wordpress?

Tumble?

Instagram? 

Twitter?

Blogger is the only social media I really use

I'm not a big Facebooker

Never have been

But blogger means a lot to me

Next month I'll be blogging three years

That is great for me

As I am a person that tends to start things with great enthusiasm

And usually gives up when I get bored

But blogger keeps me coming back

Mainly because of you wonderful ladies

I've followed some of your stories for years

I genuinely care and worry about you all

And you mean a lot to me

We are all now part of each other's stories

We're woven in to the tapestry of each other's lives

Even if blogger is old news

I still want to be part of it

It seems people want to see photos more than they want to read text

It's easy to post a photo

A picture tells a thousand words and all that

But here in our little corner of blogger

We are all about the story

We keep up with each other's lives

Our ups and downs

Our highs and lows

Our progress and our setbacks

It's important for me to keep up with what's happening on your lives

And I still think about bloggers who aren't around any more

And wonder how they are

My sister and my Dad and I 

We're having a conversation the other day about the Internet

And whether having online relationships are good for us or not

My dad made the point that people don't talk face to face anymore

That people text ot email rather than having a face to face conversation 

Or a phone all

And that the art of conversation is being lost

For me 

It's all about balance

Having my virtual life and giving time to it

While at the same time

Not neglecting my real life relationships

Nurturing both 

I mean

I still think it's amazing that we can be in touch with people all around the world

That we can be best friends with someone that we have never even met

I am in contact daily with people from the four corners of the earth

That is pretty awesome

So what can we do to make sure our little community survives?

First I think it's important to acknowledge that for a lot of us

Blogger is the only social interaction we have

Blogger is literally a life saver for a lot of us

I know when I was up to my neck in my ED

Blogger saved my sanity countless times

So I think it's important we preserve what we have

I guess what we can do is keep supporting each other

Read each other's blogs

Comment

Stay in touch through text or email

And also welcome new people in

I know that I can be wary of new people 

But I guess we were all new once

So we should really be open to new bloggers joining our community

I know that a lot of people think what we have here is no where near that healthy

That we are 'Pro-ana'

And we don't encourage each other to recover 

We do of course encourage each other to choose recovery

But we don't force it on each other

If someone decides that they don't want to recover

We respect that choice

While still encouraging the person to stay as well and as safe as possible

We don't promote EDs

We don't condone tips and tricks

We genuinely care about each other

And want nothing but the best for each other

I for one am extremely grateful for this community

And for each and everyone of you

Who all have a place in my heart 

I have never met any of you

And may never meet you

But you have been for me for the last three years

You have seen me at my worst

At my lowest

And you never once judged me 

Especially after my most recent relapse

You all were there for me

Even those of you that I hurt

You never gave up on me

And I will be eternally grateful for that

I was wondering about you

Do you think blogger is quiet at the moment?

Why do you think that is?

Do you think there is anything we can do to preserve our community?

Do you think it is worth saving?

I'd love to know what you think......

Stats

I check my statistics from time to time

To see if anyone is reading my blog

And so see which posts get the most hits

This blog gets anywhere from 300 - 1000

views a day

I have no idea if this is a lot

Or a little

Or if it's average

It's nice to know that people read

But sometimes it can be a bit disconcerting knowing that this many people are reading my words 

The aim of my blog is to tell the truth about what it's like to live with addiction and disordered eating 

And I do so as honestly as I can

I love writing this blog

And it wouldn't bother me much of I had one view a day

Or a million views a day

It's a hobby

Something I do every day

It's not part of my routine

And I really would be lost without it

I was wondering about you

And your blog 

What are your statistics like?

Do you check them often?

Does it bother you if they are low or High?

Do they spike after a particular post?

Would you mind if someone you knew read your blog?

I'd love to know.....

Life on life's terms

And boy have I had some storms to deal with recently
My life has been turned upside down in the past few weeks
My world has been rocked
I thought that I was doing ok
Coating along
Not using
Not critically underweight
But now I can see that I was just treading water
I was like a ticking time bomb
It was only a matter of time before I exploded
The Boy was the catalyst
But the wasn't the cause
It could have been anything
It just happened to be him

Despite the devastation
And the destruction that this recent relapse caused
And there was a lot of it
Some good things did come out of it
I am now back at meetings
Which is a huge step for me
If you have been reading for a while
You will know that I have been trying to get to a meeting for years
I also found out who my real friends are
Some people ran for the hills when it came out that I had used
Others rallied around me
And I am eternally grateful for that

I am one week clean today
I know that is a pitiful amount of time
But it marks the first steps of my recovery
Recovery from all mind altering substances
I  now see that I can't use
Anything
Be it alcohol
Or speed
Or cocaine
Or heroin
Or poppy freakin' tea
They are all a no go area for me
Maybe some people can use re-creationally
And still maintain a normal life
And function
But I sure as shit can't
I know that for sure now
I've always been an all or nothing person
There are no half measures with me
That's just the way I am
And I have to accept that
My self will has been running riot recently
And I left a trail of destruction in my wake
I want to be a better person
I don't want to be the person that I have been for the last few weeks
That is not the real me
Drugs turn me in to  a person that I don;t even recognize
And that is truly scary

I heard someone say this as a meeting recently

Give time, time

In other words
Things take time
Gaining back trust takes time
Becoming a better person takes time
Staying clean and sober takes time
Those three words mean a lot

So it is onwards and upwards
No looking back
No feeling sorry for myself
Time to dust myself off
And stand up as the person I want to be
Fake it til you make right?
I think so.......

Mothers Day

Usually I spend Mothering Sunday with my Mum

Usually I make her breakfast in bed 

Give her gifts

And bring her out for lunch

However 

This year is different 

This year my sister brought my mum to Prague for a few days

They arrived yesterday

And are living it up in a beautiful suite in a stunning hotel

I'm so glad that mum got to go away

God knows she deserves a break

So I am at home

Not home alone though

My Dad has come to keep me company for a few days

And of course Honey and Lea are never far from my side

I made my Dad dinner yesterday

Italian beef stew

I'm always meaning to post some recipes here

I can make a few dishes well

Taught to me by my sister who is an amazing cook

Anyway

I will get around to it at some stage 

So my Dad and I are spending quality time together

And are making dinner for my other sister and my nephew

Who are coming down later

Mother's Day reminds me how lucky I am

To have a mum that stood by me through everything we have been through

It reminds me to thank my lucky stars that I have a strong, kind and selfless mother

I have put my mother through more than any one person should have to take

Through my rebellious teenage years

Through my drug fuelled twenties

And of course through the eating disordered years

Which are still going on to a certain extent

Yes

I have broke my mothers heart more times than I care to remember

She has given me endless second chances

More than I deserved

So thank you Mum

For being there

And for knowing when to turn your back

For holding my hand through everything

For never giving up hope on me

For believing in me when I couldn't believe in myself

For carrying me when I couldn't walk

For loving me when I didn't love myself

For being strong when I was weak

Thank you

I'm doing my level best to get back on track

I've planned my week with things to keep me occupied

Unfortunately

Because I am getting my using under control 

My ED behaviours seem to be spinning out of control

Purging has increased some

I'm weighing multiple times a day

Although my weight seems to be staying stable

Fluctuating a kilo or so either side

I don't know if I am happy at the Wright I'm at

I mean

It's fine

It's ok

It's not fantastic 

I don't feel super good or confident

But I can accept it

And maybe that's enough for now

Maybe this is as good as it gets for me

After the dentist last Friday

I went to Rivet Island for a look

I found a lovely navy and white striped dress

With pockets and a tulip skirt

I took in a size 8 and a size 10

The 8 fit me perfectly

And I really liked it

I didn't buy it though

Not like me I know

But I think I am going to go back and buy it tomorrow

I will post photos too

Two of my crowns came out when o was eating chocolate yesterday

I bought some polygrip to try and secure them back in 

But that didn't work too well 

So it's back to the dentist tomorrow

To get them cemented back in

Pain in the buttocks 

But it has to be done

Anyway

I'm off to make dinner

See you on the next post.....

Weather forecast

To give us all a break from the drama that is my life

I thought I would write about something completely different today

As you know

I live in Ireland 

The west coast of Ireland to be a bit more precise 

I've lived in Ireland my whole life 

And there is one topic of conversation that is talked about more than anything else

More than the state of the worlds economy

More than any of the wars that are going on

More than any murders, rapes or kidnappings 

What is this subject I hear you ask?

Well 

As you might have guessed

It's the weather

We love to talk about the weather in this country

And we get great mileage out of it

It's talked about everywhere you go

With your neighbours

With shopkeepers

With people you pass when you're out for your morning walk

Oh yes 

We love to chat about the weather

Ireland is pretty well known for its weather

Especially rain

Rain is a common occurrence here

But the thing about this country is

You have to be prepared for every eventuality

It is not uncommon to have rain, wind, sunshine, hail and snow

All in the same 24 hours

So if you are heading out for the day

You really need to be prepared

And should really bring rain gear

Fleeces 

A heavy coat

And shorts and a t- shirt

Just in case

You would think that living in this country all year round

That we would be well prepared for all the weather we get

But we're not

You can always tell a tourist in this country

As they will be dressed weather appropriate

You can always spot an Irish person too

As they will be the one wearing a t-shirt in a storm

Or high heels in snow

Every so often we get extreme weather

Like bad storm

Or heavy snowfall 

You would think that we would be prepared for this

But no

Oh no

The slightest flurry of snow

And the whole country comes to a stand still

Roads are closed

Schools are shut down 

And people don't venture outside their front door

This is when preparation comes in handy

So for all you doomsday preppers  out there

Now is the time to break out your supplies

I was in my local store yesterday 

I was queueing up at the till 

There was a storm brewing outside

And there were about three people ahead of me in the line

The girl at the till had the exact same conversation with all the people before me

Girl: The weather is shocking today

Customer no 1: Oh I know it's desperate

Girl: The weather is tight today

Customer no 2: Absolutely

Girl: it's a miserable day today

Customer no 3: Absolutely

But more than talking about the weather

We Irish love to complain about the weather

We give out yards when the weather is bad

But secretly we are delighted as it gives us a great opportunity to complain

I've been to other countries

And no where I've  been do people talk about the weather as much as we do here

Why is that?

I'm not so sure

Maybe because we get such a variety of weather 

Maybe because the weather determined our day somewhat

What ever the reason

Talking about the weather is part of our culture

And when all other topics of conversation run out

The weather is always there