When the going gets tough.....

It was yesterday

I felt good 

My peace of mind was intact

I had no worries

Nothing on my mind

In the evening 

My friend picked me up

And we headed to a meeting

We chatted and laughed on the way

And arrived at the meeting slightly late

It was an AA meeting

One my sister usually attends

Although she wasn't there last night

We walked in to the room 

It was packed

We grabbed seats where we could

And the meeting started

The was a girl telling her story 

It was really good listening to her

I could identify a lot

The the meeting proper started 

I didn't like the way it was run

The chair person picked people at random to share

So you never knew when your name was going to be called

It sent my anxiety in to over drive

I didn't like it

All of a sudden

My name was called

My heart was thumping in my chest

I wanted to just run out of the room

I began to speak

I could hear the shake in my voice

I was trying to say that I could relate to the speaker when she talked about treatment

And the family days

How I been on both sides of the family day

Both the patient

And the family member 

And how hard that was

But I think when I was speaking it came out arseways

And once I had finished speaking 

I realise that people may have thought I was talking about my sister

When in actual fact I had my dad in mind

And this was my sisters home group

So everyone knew her well there

One by one everyone spoke

A girl at the end shared how she couldn't understand some of the things she heard at meetings

That she had a brother in recovery

And was very close to him

I started to get paranoid that her comment was directed at me

And started to feel really uncomfortable

Again 

I just wanted to run

The meeting finished up 

And cups of tea were made

There were a good few women at the meeting 

And we all gathered to have a chat

In my eyes

Everyone seemed so confident and together

They all seemed perfectly content in themselves

I on the other hand

Felt so out of place

So awkward

I froze 

I couldn't speak

I couldn't join in the conversation

I just sat there

Like the socially inept person that I am

I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyes

That old familiar feeling of not fitting in was back

It hit me like a smack in the face

And completely threw me

I started thinking all sorts of paranoid thoughts

These people don't like me

They don't like what I shared 

They'll probably all talk about me when I'm gone

They think I'm a bad person

They hate me

And this went on and on in a loop in my head

We finally left the meeting at 10pm

I was dying to get home 

My friend and I chatted again on the way back to my house

I laughed about how I am a social retard

But then as she pulled in to my drive way

I suddenly felt really sad

And the tears came

My friend was great

She promised me that things would get better

And that she was there for me 

I pulled myself together

But I knew it was just a matter of time before the huge dam  of tears broke again

I hugged my friend 

And she left

I got in to my house 

Stopping in the kitchen to pet the dogs

They never cease to make me feel better

I went on to the living room

My sister was watching The Island

I sat down

And feel apart

Hot fat tears fell from my eyes

Landing on my lap

My sister jumped up to hug me

I told her what had happened 

She told me that I was being paranoid

That everyone loves me

I cried some more

And she sat and soothed me

She wrapped me in a blanket

And made me cups of sweet tea

I began to feel a little better

But as I lay in bed that night

I replayed the evenings events in my head over and over again 

Fighting with myself

Telling myself to shut up

And generally driving myself completely nuts 

It got to the point where I really though I was going mad

It was exhausting

I go to meetings to feel better

And here I was

A complete mess after attending something that is supposed to help me

I felt so confused 

The urge to use was massive

I kept thinking

One phone call 

And I could have sweet oblivion

Numbness

Nothingness

I wanted it so bad

Knowing my two using friends were close by was so tempting

But for some reason

I didn't ring them

And I didn't use

I kind of figured it would just make everything worse

Even if it did temporarily ease my pain

And even more worrying than using

I actually had some very strong suicidal thoughts

The though they I could end my pain was comforting

And the idea of disappearing seemed very attractive

I wondered how much of my meds it would take to kill me 

I actually planned it in my head

But again

I came to the conclusion that that wasn't an option

It might be the end of my pain

But it would open up a world of hurt for my family

I can't do that to them

So I considered my other options?

I could continue on

Keep going to meetings 

Hang in there 

Keep plugging away at recovery

And hopefully my anxiety will lessen

And my confidence will grow

Hopefully 

So I made a deal with myself

I will give recovery a fair shot for 6 months

And if nothing improves

I can always go back to the drug

The drug will always be there

My recovery might not be

So that's what I'm going to do

Also I think I'm going to stay silent at meetings got the next while

I just get too anxious and worked up about the whole speaking thing

So I'm not going to

I guess this is all part of recovery

But it really sucks!

I just want to be well now!

I want to be confident now!

I want to be anxiety free now!

But these things take time

And I know I need to actively work on them 

But flippin' heck

I am losing the will to live over here

Literally 

I'm just really tired 

Tired of fighting

Tired of this uphill battle

I just hope the view at the top is worth it.....

3 Years

My blog is three years old today

It's hard to believe

Time goes past so quickly

I can remember three years ago like it was yesterday

I had been reading blogs for some time

And saw that there was a great little community here on blogger

I wanted to be part of it 

I was so entrenched in my illness

So lonely

Depressed

Anxious 

Afraid

I rarely left the house

But as much as I was afraid of living my life

I craved to be around others like me

I was welcomed in to this community with open arms

It was a safe place to come and be honest

Without fear of being judged

While I was in midst of my illness

I was accepted 

And there was no pressure to recover

I was knee deep in my disorder for the first two years of my blogging

Then last year things changed

I had just come out of treatment 

For the umpteenth time 

I felt utterly hopeless

So low

So scared for my future

I ended up overdosing

And I didn't tell anyone 

Until a week later

When I told Mary

She sprang in to action

And I had an appointment with my psychiatrist the next day

He assessd me

And changed my meds

Adding in Prozac

I didn't hold out much hope for the new meds

Ive been on so many different anti depressants over the years

And they rarely work

So I was hoping against hope

However

A couple of weeks after

I began to feel a little better

The fog dissipated 

My depression and anxiety lifted 

And I began to feel hope again

I managed to get my binging and purging under control

That was massive

As I had been purging 10-20 times a day

It was killing me

Slowly but surely 

I began to gain weight

And yes my weight did rise to a place where I wasn't entirely comfortable in my own skin

But now it seems to have settled

And I can live with it

Just about

As time went on

My quality of life improved

I gave up smoking

My relationship with food was better

I started going to meetings 

Which is a huge help

And I generally felt a lot better

About me

My life

My world

Blogging through all of this has been amazing

To have documented every up and down is so awesome

I can read back

And see how far I have come 

Also to share it with you

You all have been a big part of my story

I have met the most amazing kind, caring and thoughtful girls here on blogger

Some of you have been with me from the very beginning

Some are more recent

But you all mean so very much to me

You are true friends

And I am eternally grateful for that

So Happy Birthday dear blog!

Thank you for saving my sanity so many times 

Here's to another 3 years.....

Damage limitation

Thank you all

For your feedback and support after my last post

I guess it was only a matter of time before The Boy reared his head again

I was just coasting along

Happy as Larry

Thinking all was well

And then I got that phone call

It really threw me

Especially knowing that my ex boyfriend is now around too

When I'm out

My heart stops when I see a green jeep

And there are many green jeeps around here

So it makes for interesting times when I'm out and about

Several people contacted me yesterday to tell me to block The Boys number

I keep going to do this 

But something stops me

I guess there is part of me that wants to know that he wants to see me

If that makes sense

It's twisted thinking I know

But then that's me all over

As I said yesterday

I haven't told my sister or my mother

As I don't want to worry them

But in actual fact

My sister read my blog

So she knows

And is doing my head in about it

We had a fight last night

Because I don't want to talk about it

I don't really see the point

I know what I need to do

And I am trying to do it

I saw Breda yesterday

My addiction counsellor

I told her about the phone call

She was helpful

And made some good suggestions

It was good to talk it over with someone who is not directly involved

And can give an objective perspective

She is trying to help me build up my confidence

And self esteem

Back in January

When I relapsed 

I had no resistance against the drug

And when it was put in front of me

I didn't have the strength to say no

But this time 

I have some recovery behind me

I feel stronger

More stable

More secure

I have the capability 

And the strength to say no

And that's down to the work I've done over the last couple of months

It just goes to show

How much the meetings help

Breda asked me how I felt about knowing these two guys were so close by

And what they were doing

I had to admit

It does play on my mind a little bit

Sometimes I go to the dark side

And I start thinking that they're having a great ol' time

Drinking poppy tea

Smoking weed 

And generally getting messed up

And out of their heads

Then I start thinking that I am missing out

Then I start to resent my family

Because they're the reason I can't use

Then I get really angry 

And lash out at my family

I have to keep reminding myself 

Of where I will be if I contact these guys

And use

I have to remember of where that life will bring me

The damage it will cause

The devastation

The heartache

Then I remember that I want a better life for myself

That I want to be clean and sober

I really do

So no

I don't feel like I am missing out

They are the ones who are missing out 

They are missing out on their whole lives

At least I am trying to forge a new life for myself

A better life

And as hard as it is to choose to live in reality

I stand by my decision 

The Boy bites back

It was Saturday evening

I had just had s great day with my mum and sister

We climbed a mountain

Then went for dinner

And I was generally feeling really good

Happy to be alive

Grateful to be clean and sober 

Feeling content

And dare I say it, happy?

We had just come home

I sat with the dogs for a while

Plugged in my phone to charge

And settled down in front of the telly with a cup of tea

I was watching The Cube

When my phone rang

Thinking it was my friend who I had just texted

I jumped up to answer it

I looked at the screen

And to my shock and surprise

Saw it was The Boy

I stared at the phone 

Not knowing what the hell to do

My sister saw my face

And asked me what was wrong

I told her nothing

That it was a private number 

I didn't want to tell her who it really was 

And possibly worry her

Needless to say

I didn't answer it

I sat back down

Feeling shook and anxious

Then my phone pinged a message

I checked it

And it was a voice mail

I dialled 171

And listened to the message

It was him

Asking me to ring him

And also telling me that my ex boyfriend was staying with him for a while

And did I want to meet up

I hung up

And felt stunned

Seconds later my phone pinged again

A text message

Asking me to ring him 

If I wanted 'plenty of tea'

I put the phone down

And tried to process this information

I haven't heard from The Boy in quite a while

So this is really out of the blue

I actually had a physical reaction

My heart was racing

As were my thoughts

I felt shakey and unstable

And I would have killed for a smoke just for something to do

It really unsettles me to know that both The Boy and my ex boyfriend are in my area

Having poppy tea

And probably plenty more besides I'm guessing 

I really don't want to know what they are doing

What drugs are available

I would rather not know

And live in blissful ignorance

It's now Monday

Two days since he rang

I haven't texted or rang him back 

It hasn't even been an option 

I know I can't

I have too much to lose

Things are just getting back to normal after the last debacle

I think my mum would lose her mind if I used again

I don't want her to have to go through that again

We moved up here ten years ago to get away from the drug scene

Yes it was a geographical

And no that's not the answer

But it gave us a chance for a fresh start

And gave us breathing space

And time to heal

But now it seems like my old life is catching up with me

And I don't like it

I don't like it at all

So the plan is damage limitation

I haven't told my mum or my sister 

Maybe I should

But I don't want to worry them

I'm seeing Breda this morning so I will talk to her and hatch a plan

I just really don't need this right now

Things are just starting to turn around for me

Abd this is really a test

A test for my willpower

For my resolve

My will to recover

But I feel pretty sure that I won't use

At least I hope I won't 

Healthline 2015

I just found out yesterday 

That andthenshedisappeared has been voted one of the best eating disorder blogs of the year by Healthline

I was super excited to find this out

As it is the third year in a row that I have recieved this honour

My blog will be 3 years old at the end of this month

And it has been an amazing 3 years

Such a rollercoaster of highs and lows

Ups and downs

Victories and defeats

Tears and laughter

Sadness and joy

I am so glad that I documented the last few years

And I have it to look back on

And see how far I've come

I had been reading blogs for a while before I started my own

The very first blogs o read were

Recovering anorexic over on Wordpress

Who is no longer writing under that name

Lou over at my life with ed, and, Mia

Yummy secrets

And 2Medusa

I was so inspired by these strong ladies

That I decided to start writing myself

My blog started off as something bordering on unhealthy

I wrote about fasting 

And trying to lose weight

But over time 

I began to document my life fighting both addiction and disordered eating

And now it is a lot more recovery based

I started my blog because I craved to be around others like me

In my real life my world had shrunk to just me and my illness

I was desperately lonely

Depressed

Anxious

Writing was the perfect medium for me

As I could get the words out at my own pace

And I found writing much easier than speaking

I soon found a real love for it

And I think my writing is improving all the time

This little community we have here on blogger is unique

When I first started writing 

There was a thriving community here

And there was a real buzz about the place

Over the lay year however

So many bloggers have vanished

I wish I knew what has happened to them

These were the ladies who welcomed me in to this community with open arms

Left heartfelt comments on my blog

And we're there for me through the drama that is my life

I miss them

I hope they are ok

So yea

I am delighted that my blog has been recognised

I feel so passionately about helping others like me

To warn and educate younger kids about the dangers of EDs

To think that my blog helps others truly warns my heart

So thank you Healthline

You have made my day......

Queen Maeve's Trail

My mum and my sister and I are planning to do the Camino next year

So we have started to train a little bit

Last week we did the mountain at the back of our house

And yesterday we did Queen Maeve's Trail

Which is up another mountain

It was 2.5km up

And 2.5km down

We made it up and down in two hours a

I didn't find it too bad

But my mum and sister found it tough going

It's only really because I don't smoke anymore

And I walk and swim a lot

If I was still smoking 

There is no way I'd have made it to the top

We made it down just before the rain

And went to Shells cafe for lunch 

We were so hungry

I had a burger and chips

That's how hungry I was

But it was well deserved

And treated us to an ice cream after

Here are some photos from the day.......

Summer clothes post

I picked up some summer clothes over the past few weeks

And I finally feel able to wear them as the weather is heating up

The following clothes are from Fat Face, Roxy and protest

Here they are......

The skinny of it

LIf we look back at weight over the years

And what was considered attractive

Like fashion

It goes through trends

Back in the 60's

Curves and shapes were very much in

Marilyn Monroe who was and still is considered one of the worlds most attractive women

Was a beautiful size 14

Then in the 90's

The rise of the super model took over

And models like Kate Moss 

Made heroin chic sexy

All over the run ways and magazines

Thin was in

Women flaunted their bones like trophies

Sharp cheek bones

And chiseled features were the flavour of the month

And then of course the phenomenon that is size zero

Became an international obsession

The skinnier the better

And that is still popular

But I think positive body image is something that is so important

I saw a show during the week 

Called Plus Sized Wars

It was about the rise and increased popularity of plus size models

Especially on the Internet

Girls like the model and blogger Tess Munster

Who is a size 24

And has a massive following on line

It's people like Tess

Who are bucking the trend of super skinny

And empowering women of all sizes to be proud and confident in their skin

Tess really is a beautiful looking girl

And I can see why she is in such high demand

And even though she is three times the size of an average model

She is still smokin' hit

She also sending out a positive message to young people

That beauty is not a clothes size

Or a number on a scale

It is so much more than that

This show was an eye opener for me

As I am one of the peoe who has been influenced by the media

And although the media did not cause my ED

It most definitely did not help

I used to look at photos of models

Long and lithe limbs

Flawless faces

An impossible standard to reach

But I still compared myself to them

And my confidence took a real battering

 

My own perception of what is attractive has also changed

I used to favour skinny 

The thinner the better

And there was no such thing as too skinny

I envied other girls 

But these other girls were usually a lot younger than me

It's a pain in the ass fact that as you get older 

Your body changes

You no longer have the lean frame you had when you were twenty

Your body developes curves and shapes

It's all part of being a woman

For some reason

It is really hard for me to call myself a woman

Because I swear I don't feel like a woman

And don't really look like one

Or dress like one

Or behave like one

In my mind I am still 22

But the fact is that I am a woman

A curved

Shapely woman

And I am beginning to accept that 

As I get older

I see that being attractive has very little to do with physical beauty

And more to do with confidence and personality

Beauty radiates from within

It comes out when we smile

When we laugh

I always find passion attractive

When someone talks about something they love

That can be really attractive

It's not about what a person wears

It's more about what they say

Their behaviour

Their openness

Their honesty

Their kindness

Their sense of humour

The way they treat others

What they believe

Their values

Their ability to laugh

And laugh at themselves

To see the positive in life

A hunger for life

For adventure i

There is so much more than a pretty face

My BMI has now settled at 19

Just about healthy

And surprisinglyHuuoi

I am ok with that

 I know that I am not overweight

Or underweight

I don't feel big or awkward the way I felt this time last year 

And that my friends is a freakin' revelation

I was wondering about you

What do you find attractive?

Do you think thin is still in?

I'd love to know......

Appointment with Mary

Today was pretty busy

I was asked to open the lunch time meeting today

Which meant that I had to have the room open and ready

Provide tea, coffee and snacks

Mind the money

Put chairs out

And read the preamble

I have to admit

I was really nervous to do this 

And spent all day yesterday fretting about it

Which led to an epic binge/purge session 

That lasted all freakin' day

This morning I was a bit calmer

I had a job to do

And I was determined to do it well

I arrived at the meeting venue at about12 45pm

I arranged the chairs in a circle

Put the kettle on

And generally got the place ready

It felt good 

I felt like I was really part of things

And that I could be trusted to do this job

Another lady came then

And helped me 

One by one people trickled in to the room

And at about 1 05pm

I started to open the meeting

There was a lot of reading to be done

And I was anxious about that

But somehow o got through it

Without letting my anxiety get the better of me

When that was done 

I was the first to share

And we went around the room

Until everyone had shared

After we all said the serenity prayer at the end

I breathed a sigh of relief

I did it

I got through

It felt great

Then this afternoon 

I had an appointment to see Mary

I have seen her in about eight months

So I was really looking forward to seeing her

I settled in the waiting room

And soon I saw her friendly face PPP around the door

I followed her to the room

As soon as I walked in 

I saw the dreaded scales in the corner of the room

My heart skipped a beat

And I quickly looked away

We caught up for a few minutes

I filled her in on what has happened since I saw her

I told her that I am planning to do a course in September

But that I was very nervous about it

Mary told me a story about her going back to college in her forties and getting her degree

And now she is doing her masters

It was really inspiring to hear

She never ceases to amaze me

Mary reminded me of the first time I ever met her three years ago

She said I was so numb

So hopeless 

So battered by my ED

She compared them to now

And said I have come a long way

She sldo spoke about the ED conference that I spoke at two years ago

She said that people still tell her how my speech impacted them

That was so nice to hear

We decided that I would see Mary for eight sessions

And then reassess after that

It's great to have the support for my ED

And I feel like now is a critical time for me

I'm on the verge of being in recovery 

And I want it so badly

So all in all it was a good day

I'm now going to sit down with a hot cup of tea 

And relax......

Eloise Parry - Diet pill death

This is Eloise Parry

A normal 21 year old

Student at university

The world at her fingertips

At least it was 

Until she began taking diet pills

Much of the following is from the BBC website

The mother of a student thought to have taken highly toxic diet pills bought online has appealed to others not to consume them.

Eloise Parry, 21, from Shrewsbury died in hospital on 12 April after becoming unwell.

Police say the tablets were believed to contain dinitrophenol, known as DNP, an industrial chemical.

Eloise's mother Fiona said that it was 'an awful way to die' and people should not take the drug in any quantity.

Glyndwr university student Eloise initially attended A and E after taking more than the recommended dose of tablets.

Her mother told the BBC that the pills appeared to be Eloise's little fix adding, 'this allowed her to achieve her Superskinny appearance but it cost her her life'.

Fiona Parry said she had no idea her daughter was taking the pills until after she died describing them as bad news.

Eloise had walked in to the Royal Shrewsbury hospital herself and there was no great panic until a toxicology report revealed how dire her situation was.

As the drug kicked in it made her metabolism soar. 'They attempted to co her down but they were fighting an uphill battle. She was literally burning up from within, when her heart stopped, they couldn't revive her. She has crashed. Two tablets was a lethal dose and she had taken eight'.

Dinitrophenol or DNP is highly toxic and not intended for human consumption.

An industrial chemical, it is sold illegally in diet pills as a fat burning substance.

Users experience a metabolism boost leading to weight loss but taking even a few tablets can be fatal.

Signs of acute poisoning include nausea, vomiting, restlessness, flushed skin, sweating, dizziness, headaches, rapid respiration and irregular heart beat.

I was shocked but not surprised to hear of Eloise's death

I heard a statistic today that one in ten people have bought diet pills online

I know I have

A few years ago I bought two bottles of ephedrine on line

The recommended dose was to take two a day

But me being me I took about twelve

I thought I was going to die that weekend

I was so ill

Throwing up so much that my body was convulsing.

Never again

But I'm sure many of us have bought pills on line

Anything that promises weight loss is appealing to us

I just hope that this poor girls death serves as a warning to others not to buy diet pills on line.

Post, delete, repeat

After my last post

A reader left a comment expressing concern about what I had written

That I seemed to be boasting about my weight loss 

After reading this comment

I went back and re-read my post

And having done this

Promptly deleted it

That post was written by someone who was high on weight loss

I was revelling in it

And though I don't think I was boasting about losing weight

This post was definitely not healthy

And not written by someone who claims to be in recovery

Apologies for that

And thank you to the reader that had the courage to tell me the honest truth

Yea it's true that I have lost weight

But it's nothing to worry about

At least I think it's not

I'm still at a healthy weight

I still consider myself to be in recovery

I don't want to promote weight loss

Or eating disorders

And I think I was coming worrying close to that on my last post

Recovery is hard

It's more about progress than perfection as they say in the rooms

And I am most definitely not doing it perfectly

Sometimes I feel the lure of my ED

Sometimes it seems like the only option

I've had a family situation here over the weekend

Something that I won't go in to here

I will say that it upset me a lot

And I turned to the coping mechanism that I've used for 14 years

My ED

At the time it seems to help

Maybe in the short term

But in the long term it creates more problems than it solves

It's up to me to put the brakes on now

To maintain my weight

And maintain my recovery

I am in charge of my own destiny

I am the maker of my own dreams

I don't want to relapse

I don't want to be underweight

I just wanted to be happy in my own skin

I thought I would be at this weight 

And I am 

Kind of

Some of the time 

I guess it's part of the illness that we struggle greatly with body image

And that doesn't go away over night

I guess this is all part of the path of recovery

Sometimes we vere off course

Sometimes we get distracted

Or lured back in by our disorder

We think we want to go back to that life

Because life was simple then

Only one thing mattered

The illness

And losing weight

Recovery is an altogether different beast

There are challenges every single day

It's not an easy choice

Recovery can be tricky

It can be head wrecking

Dull

Monotonous 

Boring

Anxiety provoking 

Terrifying

But I would still choose it over my disorder any day of the week

Again

Apologies

Call it a momentary lapse in judgment

Call it being drunk on weight loss 

But that is not me

Any one who knows me knows that

I'm not giving up

I'm not giving in

Not by a long shot

The weighting game

I was reading back over my weight notebook last night

I go through periods of recording my weight

Although sometimes I don't want to be reminded of my weight

I tend to only record it if it's going down 

As you know

It was around this time last year that I began to regain weight

It happened quite suddenly and quickly

But I didn't feel too bad about it

That was until I kept getting bigger

And my weight hit an all time high around September

I was really uncomfortable

I felt so big and cumbersome

And I don't think it suited me at all

Some people can carry a bit of extra weight

But my frame is so small that any excess is really noticeable 

I can remember going out for lunch for my mums birthday around this time

The weather was amazing

And I wore a dress

I can remember feeling so self conscious

I hated my new curvy shape

It was also around this time that I gave up smoking

And I know I was eating more to fill the hole

Then as suddenly as I put in on

I began to lose it again

And lost almost twenty pounds

I was back weighing myself every day

Back obsessing about the number

I was bordering on a healthy weight

And I actually felt ok in my skin

Recently I put back on a few pounds

And wasn't feeling great about it

That's when I began to restrict again

I hadn't restricted in years

Thought I couldn't do it any more

But it's amazing how we can slip back in to old behaviours 

Like a comfortable pair of slippers

My weight is back down to a BMI of 19

Nothing to worry about 

Yet

I'm now at the weight that was my target weight when I was in hospital

It's bearable

It's manageable

I feel ok in my clothes

I think back to when I was 20 pounds heavier

And I don't know how I tolerated it

It's such a horrible feeling 

When your clothes begin to feel tight

When you are spilling out of them

When all your favourite clothes are too small

It's soul destroying 

And the thing is

When your weight is at a healthy point

People assume that because you look ok

Then you must be ok

And you don't want to explain that your still in the grip of your disorder

The only thing that's changed is the number on the scale

You don't want to tell them that you can't stand yourself and your body

It's a miserable place to be

The ideal thing now 

Would be to maintain this weight

I feel something approaching ok at this weight

I know that I ned to address the restriction 

Before it gets out of hand

When my mum came back from work this week

She commented that I looked like I had lost weight

My ED was overjoyed to hear this

And added fuel to the fire that is my disorder

I know I need to put the brakes on now

And not hurtle head first down the rabbit hole

I've come too far to let that happen again

I was wondering about you

Have you ever been in this position?

When you regained weight

Was it all over the place like money?

Do let me know....

Tramadol test

I was at a meeting this week

Where I was talking about anxiety

I'm really struggling with it at the moment

And it is driving me nuts

It affects everything I do

And makes seemingly simple tasks impossible

Anxiety is a horrible thing

It's why so many people think they are having a heart attack

When they are in fact having an anxiety attack

I guess they are both similar

They both affect the breathing 

Tight chest

Pain

Panic

Fear

It can be a terrifying experience

So I was at this meeting

My anxiety wasn't too bad that day

And I even managed to read out the daily reading 

Usually I can't read in public at all 

When I was finished speaking

One of the men began to share

He said he was wondering why I read out the reading so fast

But now realised it was due to anxiety

Later on he suggested that I try Tramadol for my anxiety

I knew what Tranadol was

It's a morphine based pain killer

I remember when I was in hospital with pancreatitis 

Tramadol was the first thing they gave me

It didn't work at the time

Anyway

I was chatting with my friend after the meeting

She told me not to listen to the man

That he was not well

I left the meeting

And thought no more about it

During the week

My neighbour asked me if I would look after her dog for a few days

As she was going away

I said I would

So I've been over and back to the house

Feeding the dog

And bringing him for walks

I decided to sit with him for a while last night in the kitchen

I was watching tv

Minding my own business

When I spotted some blisters of meds on the table

My curiosity was pricked

And I turned the pack over to see what they were

And wouldn't ya know it

They were Tramadol

I had a huge urge to take a couple

I must have sat staring at them for ages

I had the dog on my lap 

And I kept thinking

Just one

One won't hurt

She won't even notice

At one point 

I picked up the pack

And was so close to taking a couple

But some how

I managed to resist 

I figured that my neighbour had trusted me with the key of her house

And left me in charge of her dog

How low would it be to steal her meds?

This woman was recently widowed 

And the last thing she needs is her greedy addict next door neighbour helping herself to her meds

I got home and breathed a sigh of relief

I can't lie

I was very close to taking those tablets

It was temptation in pill form 

I'm just so glad I didn't take them

And it's because I have gotten stronger over the last month

That I can resist

It's because I have been going to meetings

Because I am working a programme

Because I want to do the right thing

Because I want to get well

Because I want to be a good person

Tramadol test passed...... 

Looking after #1

When I was in the midst of my addiction and ED

I didn't care about myself

Or my health

I was too busy self destructing

And generally trying to kill myself

My health or well being just Nevet cane in to it

I didn't care about my teeth

It skin

Or hair 

Or nails

Drugs occupied my every waking moment

It was always a race to keep the sickness at bay

And I was always playing catch up

Even before my addiction and ED

I didn't give my health a second thought

I didn't like myself very much

So I didn't look after myself

As I didn't really see the point

I didn't think I was worth the trouble 

I didn't think I was worth the effort

During the worst of my ED

I denied myself basic human rights

Food and water

I starved

And binged

And purged

I did everything I could to hurt myself

I was so disconnected from my body

And what it needed

I didn't know how to care for myself

It felt so foreign

So wrong 

Hurting myself became normal

It's only really in the last year that I have started looking after myself

Last February

I was just out of treatment

Having been discharged after failing to gain weight

My weight was low

My mood was lower

I feared for my sanity and for my future

To cut a long story short

I did what I call a half hearted over dose

And took a weeks meds one evening

Thankfully all it did was put me in to a deep sleep

And I woke up the next day

I didn't tell anyone about the overdose

But then when I saw Mary the next week

I found myself telling her

She jumped in to action immediately

And gave me a choice

I could either present at the local psychiatric hospital

Or wait and see my doctor the next day

I chose the latter

And promised Mary I would be safe until then

I saw my doctor the next day

Mary had filled him in about what had happened 

I don't remember much about that appointment

Other than he changed my meds

And started me on Prozac 

All I could do then was hope and pray and wait for the drugs to work

Thankfully they did work

And my mood began to lift

And my anxiety lessened

It wasn't really a conscious thing

But I began to gain weight

As I gained the weight

I started to feel so much better

Life became easier

I could tolerate being me for the first time in a long time

Also my binging and purging became a lot more manageable 

I had been purging up to twenty times a day

It was killing me

It was such a relief to finally be free

Well almost free from bulimia

As I began to recover 

But by bit I started to take care of myself

Personal hygiene

Which really sufferers during my addiction

I started to take pride in my appearance again

Doing my hair and wearing nice clothes

Life was getting better

Years of being on methadone

Had really taken its toll on my teeth

Do last August I began the process of improving them

I found a brilliant dentist

Who gave me seven new crowns

Which drastically improved my teeth

And just two weeks ago

He finished them

And they now look a million times better

I had been so self conscious about them

And they really affected my confidence

It was a big decision to get them done

A big commitment

Especially financially 

It was a long and painful process

But they are now done

And I couldn't be more pleased with them

My teeth were the first thing to tackle

Then it was time to address my feet

As I explained on Tuesday

One of my big toe nails needed to come off

As it was beyond saving

I've had a problem with this toe for years

And kept putting it off yo do something

But I finally got it done this week

And it is such a relief to have it done

The next thing on my agenda

Is to get my eyes tested

My eyes are really failing at a rapid rate 

And I think I need glasses

I'm actually looking forward to getting them

As I think they can look really cool with the right pair

These are all things that I am doing for myself 

Looking after myself 

My body

My mind 

My spirit 

This is something of a revelation for me 

For such a long time it didn't matter

I didn't matter

It's a good feeling to be kind to myself

Because it's about time I began taking care of myself 

And putting myself and my mental and physical health first

Because without them

I have nothing

The jockey

I was listening to the radio the other day

There was a jockey being interviewed 

He had just raced in the Grand National

For anyone that doesn't know

The Grand National is a horse race that happens every year

It's very prestigious 

And also very dangerous

As there are so many horses

There are often many casualties

Anyway

This jockey was speaking

The interviewer was female

And I was wondering if she was going to ask him about his weight 

As that would be the first question I asked him

And she did

She asked him what his competing weight was

He told her that he was 5'10

And weight a certain weight

I quickly worked out my weight in comparison to his

And came to the conclusion that he weighed less than me for his height

This really disturbed me

The thought that I weighed more than a man

I know that jockeys are like boxers

In that they strictly control their weight for competing

And they are probably not the healthiest people in the world 

But still

I couldn't get the though out of my Head

I guess you could say that this massively triggered me

I have been struggling with restriction anyway

And this has just added fuel to the fire

I'm going long periods of time without eating

And getting a great kick out of having an empty belly

Seeing the numbers on the scale go down is also addictive

I badly need to reign myself in

My behaviours are all over the place

I'm seeing Mary next week

And I guess that is playing on my mind too

I know she will weigh me

And I am dreading it

I guess sometimes I still feel the need to live up or down to the label of anorectic 

Plus I hate being weighed 

I hate knowing my own weight

And more than that

I hate anyone else knowing my weight

To me it is such a personal thing

So to have an audience is beyond difficult

I wish the professionals wouldn't be so reliant on what the scale says

I mean

Can't they go by what I tell them?

Or how I present?

We are told do often that weight doesn't matter when it comes to EDs

But clearly it does

Because otherwise we wouldn't be weighed so much

For the first few years of my ED

I never weighed myself

It never even occurred to me

It wasn't until the professionals started weighing me that the number started to matter

It seemed important to them

So it became important to me

I've gained weight since I last saw Mary

That it is no secret

I realise that I am a healthy weight

With a BMI of 20

But still

I am worried about what she will think of me

Even though rationally I know she will be nothing but happy for me

I'm still worried 

I can feel that I've lost weight

I can feel it in my stomach

And I can see it in my legs

God forgive me for enjoying that

The scale is my friend now

Because the numbers are going down

For so long they went the other way

And the scale was my nemesis 

But I wish it didn't matter either way

Sans nail

Busy day today

Walk dogs - check

Reflexology - check

Meeting - check

Sun shower - check

Get toe nail removed - check

The toe nail was the big one

It was so hard and thick 

That there was only one thing for it

It had to go

So today was the day

I arrived at the doctors at three

The nurse took me to the surgery

And chatted about this and that as she prepared for the doctor

It took him an age to appear

But he finally did

He is very much in demand don't you know

First it was the anaesthetic 

They warned me that this was the worst part

They weren't wrong

He had to inject directly in to my toe

Beside the bone

No less than four times

I hid my face in my hands 

And cursed like a sailor

It hurt like a mother f.....

I was then left to my own devices 

Until the anaesthetic worked its magic

I was well bored

I looked around the room

Inspected the implements on the table beside me

And generally wished that the whole palava was over

My doctor came back

And this time he had a friend

Another younger doctor

Who wanted to observe

Excellent

Now I had a freakin' audience

The doctor took a tool called a divider 

And began to work under the nail

I had to watch

I had to see what was going on

But then it was suggested that I don't look

So I lay back in the couch

And prayed for no pain

Unfortunately 

I could feel every thing

And told him so

Cue more anaesthetic 

And more waiting

This always happens to me

I seem to need double the anaesthetic that a normal person needs

It always happens in the dentist too

As my mother says 

I must be becoming immune to drugs

The doctor returned

And we began again

I could feel pressure

It wasn't sore as such

But just knowing what he was doing was enough to make me squirm

It must have taken him about ten minutes to pride off the nail

But it felt like an eternity

Finally I looked down

And it was done

Nail removed 

Operation over

Oh the relief 

The sweet relief

It felt so hop to have it over and done with

The doctor left

And the nurse applied a bandage

It all looked very neat and tidy

And I was one satisfied customer

I hobbled out to the waiting room 

Where my sister was waiting for me

We collected our respective meds 

And headed home

I got straight in to my pyjamas

And made a hot cup of sweet tea

It was a difficult day

But a good one 

10 years

Both Honey and Lea both turned ten recently

And we also celebrated 10 years living in this house

Which also means it is 10 years since I first went in to treatment

Which means it is 10 years since I first dipped my toe in to the pond of recovery

In some ways it's felt like forever

But in others it has gone by in the blink of an eye

So much has happened

So many ups and downs 

Highs and lows

But the important thing is that I made it through it 

We made it through it

Here are some photos of my best girls today

Ana's return

You know that game 

Where you use a little hammer to hit the heads that pop up

And as soon as you hit one down

Another one pops up somewhere else

That is exactly what my life feels like right now

Let me explain

I have what they call 'dual addiction'

In that I battle both substance abuse

And an eating disorder

But you already knew that

Since the age of 18

I have bounced between the two

When one is under control

The other spins out of control

For instance 

When I was using a few weeks

My ED was in the background

As drugs dominated my every waking moment

It's not that my ED had gone away

It was just lying dormant 

And was bound to erupt at some point

Then

I managed to get my using under control

And hey presto

What do ya know?

My ED returneth 

At first it was purging 

My old friend bulimia was back in town

All re-charged after a rest

She meant business

But along with bulimia

The negative thinking

And the madness returned

I could feel it seeping in to my body and mind

Like a poison working its way through my system

I just couldn't handle it 

So I went to the other extreme

And stopped eating

At first it was like a game

To see how long I could go without eating

10 hours

24 hours

36 hours

I wanted to see how far I could push it

But every action has a consequence

And usually restriction like this ends up in an almighty binge

The taste of food after a fast can go one of two ways

It can either taste amazing

Or make you feel sick to your stomach

And you never can tell until you eat it

After every binge

The restriction starts a fresh

New game 

New player

Let's see if we can beat our last score

Fasting for me is actually hellish

I spend the whole time arguing in my head about whether to eat or not

Sometimes it feels like I am going mad

Going insane

Maybe I have already

I don't know

My weight is down a few pounds 

Nothing to worry about 

But I need to get on top of this

Before I fall head first down the rabbit hole

Which we all know can happen in the blink of an eye

I'm also struggling with meetings 

I haven't been to one in two days now

But I am determined to get back on track

To get back to a meeting a day

Every road has its bumps

And I am hoping that is all this is 

8 months

I am delighted and proud 

To tell you all

That I am 8 months smoke free today!

After almost 20 years of smoking 30 a day

I finally gave up last August 

While I was away in London

I think I can now officially call myself a non smoker

I loved smoking 

Loved every thing about it

At regular intervals through out the day

I used to make myself a cup of tea

And take 5 minutes out for a cigarette

Those minutes were precious

I did my best thinking at this time 

Cigarettes punctuated my life

And for a long time 

I had no desire to give up

Even though I was spending €100 a week on them

And was constantly broke

I loved them too much to give them up

And of course I believed the myth that if you give up smoking

Then you gain a lot of weight

I wasn't going to chance it

I wish I could say that I gave up for health reasons 

I didn't 

I gave up because I could no longer afford them

That was the only reason

If I were rich

I would definitely still be smoking

Last August 

My uncle went to Turkey 

And brought me back two cartons of my favourite brand

I decided that when they were gone

Then I would give up

I smoked my head off for the next two weeks 

And thoroughly enjoyed every one of them

Then 

One Monday morning 

At 10 30am

I found myself with my last cigarette

I waited until I was dying for it

Then I went out to the garden

Settled on the bench 

With a cup of tea

And my book

Conditions had to be perfect for my last one

I lit the cigarette

And inhaled deeply

I drank in every bit of it

And all too soon it was over 

I smoked it right down to the butt

And said my goodbyes as I extinguished it

That was it

My love affair with cigarettes was over

Since that morning

I haven't looked back

Haven't even wanted to

I made up my mind that I was going to quit 

And when I put my mind to something

I really give it my all

Ive heard it said 

That cigarettes are harder to give up than heroin

Just to set the record straight

That is uter horse shit

Heroin is by far the hardest thing I have ever given up

Don't get me wrong

Giving up smoking is tricky

But with heroin you have the double whammy of being both physically and mentally addicted

At least with smoking there are no physical withdrawals

It's more a mental thing

Today is a good day

It shows me that I can achieve when I put my mind to it

That I can overcome the obstacles in my life

It is possible to succeed at the goals we set ourselves 

Today is a good day 

Tantastic

In an effort to make myself feel a little better about the whole summer thing

I've taken to working on my tan

The weather here is starting to improve

So there is no need for knits and fleeces any more

Which is a shame because I love wrapping up on cold winter days

The one thing that I hate about summer 

Is the fact that less clothes are necessary

But I always feel better about myself if I have a colour

So I signed up for 100 minutes in the sun shower of my local leisure centre

I've already used 45 minutes in 3 days

As you know

I don't do things by halves 

The other reason I was dreading summer

Was because of my toe

This tie has given me no end of trouble over the years

What with in grown nails 

Growing in the wrong direction

And generally not doing what a big toe is supposed to do

After years of hiding my toes 

And pretending there is nothing wrong with it

I finally showed my doctor said toe on Tursday

He took one look at it

And said it would have to come off

The nail that is 

Not the toe

Even though the whole procedure sounds horrific

I am actually glad that something is finally being done about it 

At last I will be able to get all my toes out and not scare small children with its grossness

I would show you a photo of said toe

But I don't want to put you off your breakfast

In recovery 

You hear a lot about self care

Looking after yourself

Mentally

Physically

And spiritually

In the midst of addiction or an ED

Self care is not high on your list of priorities

You are generally too busy trying to kill your self 

They also say that you need to be a bit selfish

And put yourself first

This does not come very easily for me

As I am a natural people pleaser

I want to please people

I want to be liked

And I want people to think well of me

But this can back fire

As people pleasers can be rather annoying

But I am starting to look after myself

By getting my teeth done

Getting my toe done

Going to meetings

Going to therapy

Keeping my side of the street clean as it were 

Taking care of myself is a new phenomenon 

I spent years abusing myself

I didn't care about me or my health

I can remember being down in my sisters house

She would always have supplements and vitamins and health aids out on the counter

I remember thinking why would you bother?

What is the point?

But now I can see that she was taking care of her health

And that is great

I'm just not quite there yet

My body image changes from day to day

From minute to minute

Sometimes I catch my reflection in a mirror 

And I think I look grotesque

Other times I see something that approaches ok

 My weight is holding steady

Fluctuating a kilo either way

If I am honest

I would love to be 5 pounds lighter

But I know it's a dangerous game yo think like that

My BMI is stable at about 20

Just about healthy 

And I am ok with that

I am trying to do little things to help me feel better about my body

The tanning

Wearing pretty and comfortable clothes

Exercising 

Doing my hair

My nails 

All these things make me feel a little bit better

I was wondering about you

How is your body image?

What do you do to improve your body image?

Are you like me and find summer difficult?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Are you addicted?

Yesterday was the first time in forever that I missed a day posting 

I did try to

But the blogger app on my phone wasn't playing ball

So it didn't happen

But anyway

On to todays topic

I was at a meeting last night

It's my sisters home group

So I called in to her on the way

And we went together

It was an AA meeting

And there was quite a big crowd there

My friend was there 

The guy who has an ED

He slept through the whole meeting

But who am I to judge 

I've often done the same myself

There was a woman doing the top table 

And she shared her experience of addiction and recovery

I was delighted to see a woman doing it

As more often than not it is a man

And boy do men love to talk

Especially when they have a captive audience

I have seen men speak for a full hour when they are given the chance

So I was glad to get a female perspective

The speaker was great

I could identify a lot

She spoke about how she has other addictions too

I could really relate to that

After the meeting 

The woman told me a bit about herself

And mentioned that she had a shopping addiction

And that she had nearly gone bankrupt she was spending so much money

This sounded very familiar

It sounded just like me!

When I got home

I was thinking about how I think it's possible for me to get addicted to anything

I just have that type of personality

Where if I get a good feeling off of something

Or it numbs me 

Or gives me a buzz

Or it takes me out of my head

And away from myself

Then there is a good chance that I will go back for it again and again

Despite the destruction it causes

So we all know I was addicted to drink and drugs

And that I have an eating disorder

Very common addictions

But what else am I addicted to?

I remember doing a post on this back a couple of years ago

So this is an update on that

As my list has changed done

The number one offender has to be methadone 

I'm now ten years on a methadone programme

And I am well and truly addicted to it

Mentally 

Physically

Psychologically 

Every freakin' way

The first thing I do every morning is take my methadone

My life revolves around it

I have a routine of going to the doctor and pharmacy every Monday morning

And then collecting the methadone every few days

It has become such a big part of my life

Part of me

Of who I am 

It is being reduced though

Albeit very slowly

And I am putting up some resistance

It was reduced this week

Just by 2 mls

But it's still a big deal

Any change is a big deal

Then I have my other meds

Two anti depressants

And anti anxiety meds

I am pretty dependant on these too

Although they are not physically addictive

To me they are addictive

I would really miss them if I did not have them

One huge thing that has changed on my addiction list is cigarettes 

I was a confirmed and passionate smoker for almost twenty years

I loved smoking 

The first one of the morning was always my favourite

I was quite a heavy smoker

Thirty a day 

Which was costing me €100 a week

So last August

While I was away in London

On the morning of the 11th

At about 10 30am

I smoked my last one

And haven't had one since 

It's now been eight months 

And I haven't looked back

I am now officially 

A non smoker

But of course when I get one addiction under control

Another one always pops up

Cue shopping addiction

When I gave up smoking

I found that I had some extra money at the end of the week

But instead of saving it like a normal human being

I elected to spend it

Now it seems like when I get money in to my hand 

I feel compelled to spend it

It's only just out of the ATM

And I am handing it over in a shop

Or spending it in line

On line shopping has become quite the hobby for me

And I have to admit 

I get a great thrill out of it

Trawling the Internet for new clothes

Finding something that I just have to have

Clicking the 'Buy now' button

Getting the email that tells me my order has been successfully placed

Then the email to tell me that my order has been shipped

Oh the excitement of it all is too much!

Knowing that there is a parcel on its way to me

And then when it finally arrives

I am almost beside myself 

When the post man rings the door bell

And I open the door to a big juicy package

I sign for it

And take the package in to my arms

Cradling it like it is a new born baby

Then tearing in to it

To find the treasures inside

I take out the items

And my life now feels complete

Now that I have this shirt/skirt/scarf

I never need to shop again 

My wardrobe is also complete

But of course

That buzz wears off quite quickly

Soon the item you just couldn't live without 

Becomes just another piece of clothes

Like every other piece you own

That's when I'm drawn back in

And I find myself searching the Internet once more....

I their addictions which feature in my life to a greater or lesser extent are as followings

In no particular order

Tea

Hot sweet tea

If I am at home 

Then I have a cup of tea in my hand

I am constantly boiling the kettle 

And it drives my family nuts

I just love tea

It's warm 

it's comforting 

I used to enjoy a cup of tea and a smoke 

Now I just enjoy the tea

Over and over again

My phone

Since I got my first iPhone

( yes I was a latecomer to this world)

I am pretty much addicted to it

I used to look at my sister 

Who was constantly glued to her iPhone

And wonder what was so interesting

Now I know 

Now I know the wonder that is the phone

I am coverted

I tend to go through phases of being addicted to different foods

Right now it's white chocolate

More specifically Milkybars

I crave it the way I used to crave heroin

Honestly 

The craving is that strong

I have been known to drive miles out of my way to get my precious Milkybars

I remember a few years ago it used to be Drifter bars

One day before I learned to drive

I had my mother drive all over the place looking for these bars

Nothing else would do

I ate then like they were going out of fashion

And then they did

So I had to find something else to fixate on

Sweeteners

As many cups of tea I drink a day

I use three sweeteners in each cup

These don't be long adding up

And I'm sure they are bad for me

But since when did that stop me?

Tv

I am a tv addict

Especially food shows

Like Come dine with me

Masterchef

My kitchen rules

I also love a good box set 

Like Breaking Bad

The next one I'm going to watch is Better call Saul

Can't wait to get stuck in to that one

That's all I can think of right now

I guess it's enough 

I was wondering about you 

Are you addicted to anything?

Are you like me and have an addictive personality?

I'd love to know

Are you addicted?