Update

Just thought I'd let you know how I got on with Mary.

She has suggested that my mother come in for a session so she can see what we're working on and also so she can speak to Mary to voice her concerns or maybe just to vent. So I told my mother this and she is very willing to do that. This will probably happen next week.

I also decided to tell Mary about me abusing my meds, it was a big deal for me to tell her as I've never told anyone before, the only person who knows is my mother. I remember my ex-sponsor telling me that we are as sick as our secrets and this was one secret I was glad to get off my chest. She was very understanding and didn't judge me. She is also encouraging me to find more things to do now that the dancing is over so I'm considering joining a zumba class, I've heard it's pretty good.

Usually Mary weighs me right at the start of the session so by now I thought I had got away with it and she had forgotten but no such luck. I was up 0.4kg. I knew this anyway so it wasn't a shock. I mentioned I was starting a fast in my last post and I'm starting it properly tomorrow as I binged and purged today.

So that's it for another day in the life of this messed up girl,

Much love xxx

What goes down must come up

Good morning my lovelies,
I hope this post finds you well today,

The hot weather has broken here, mist hangs heavily on the mountains.

I'm seeing Mary today, no doubt she will weigh me. I don't need her to though, I already know the damage.
I'm up almost a pound. It;s hard enough to weigh when I'm alone never mind when I have an audience.
The gain sucks, I was almost back at my safe weight too,  my body is like 'nooooooooo I won't lose weight, I won't do it' like a small child in a tantrum. I think it's time for a good old fashioned fast, yes why not, let's do it.

I had a thought yesterday and it struck fear into my heart. What if I'm like this forever? What if I never get well.
I thought about my parents. I moved back in with my mother about 5 years ago and I'm very much dependent on her and my dad who lives about an hour away. They are both in their 60's and not getting any younger and I thought what will happen to me if they're gone and I'm still sick. What if they never get to see me well and I never get to repay them for all they've done for me. My mother had a serious talk with me recently, she told me that when they die they are going to appoint a carer to look after me. I was shocked and I didn't feel it was necessary but I guess the truth is I would need someone to help me. It scares the shit out of me that I might end up completely alone with this illness, that's exactly what anorexia wants, for me to be alone and sick, she wants me dead I think. My weight is not critically low at the moment but I don't think it's as much about the weight as the mental state I'm in. I was equally sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs. It's unimaginable to think I might rot away here on my own with this illness. You would think that this would motivate me to get well and yet here I am starting another fast. Ay ay ay
But my parents shouldn't have to look after me, I'm a grown woman ( even if I do feel like a child) I'm the one who should be looking after them. Do any of you feel like this?

Sorry, I didn't mean for this post to be so depressing but I just had to get that out of my head. What I really wanted to know is if you consider yourself ill or is this a choice you've made?
I sometimes get confused with this question, I know I didn't invite anorexia in to my life, I wasn't even aware I had it for the first year. But I have made the choice to trigger myself and to relapse if that makes sense.
I look at eating disorder programmes and read books deliberately to trigger myself to lose weight.
Bulimia is a tricky one, obviously I made the choice to purge the first time but now it feels out of my control.
I binge and purge and it feels like I'm possessed, that's not to take the responsibility away from me but that's the way it feels.

Anyway I digress.
I'm off to meet Mary so I will let you know how I get on,
Wish me luck,

Much love to you xxx

Regrets, I've had a few

My name is Ruby and I'm a kleptomaniac.

Maybe that's an exaggeration but it sure feels like that sometimes. I was in my local shop this morning and I shop lifted wait for it...............dog food. WTF Ruby?
I have no idea why I did this, I had money so it wasn't lack of funds. I fear it is now an addiction, the feeling of walking out of the shop is a real adrenaline rush. But I am not naive, I know I will be caught eventually and I live in a small town so it would be humiliating. I need to get this behaviour under control and fast. Help!!

But what I really wanted to write about today was regrets. If you could go back in time would you change anything about your life? When I was younger I would have jumped at the chance to change alot of things but today I'm not so sure. Yes drug addiction and ed have had devastating consequences on my life but they have also had good effects on my life as weird as that sounds, the number one thing being the people I have met along the way. The people I have met in treatment centres and hospitals have been the kindest, most caring, talented and sensitive people I have ever met and I would not have met these people otherwise. Also the people I've met through this blog and over the internet have been so supportive and I'm blessed to have found you. My illness  have made me the person I am today and on the whole I do try to be a good person and do the right thing (excluding shoplifting). I'd like to think I'm a caring person who does her bit to help others.
The one thing that I would like to change is the stress and worry I've caused my family. They have endured more than their fair share of hurt and pain. I suppose I can right that by giving them peace of mind today although I know they still worry alot. Apart from that I don't think I would change anything, I do believe that everything happens for a reason even if the reason isn't always clear at first. I'd love to know if you would change anything given the chance.

My weight was down this morning, only slightly but it's still moving in the right direction. I'm considering posting some photos. Would anyone be interested in seeing them? It would be a huge thing for me to do that  but I'd be willing if people would like to see them. I know I haven't posted my weight in a few weeks but I will be posting it very soon. I was also wondering what you consider skinny, do you have a fixed goal weight for yourself? Or is it a moving target like mine. My lowest ever weight was 77lbs and I would love to break that weight even if it is just by a pound of two. When I was at that weight I had no idea how skinny I was but looking back at photos I looked ill, like an old woman. Losing weight was so easy back then and I think it gets harder to starve the older I get, it must be that my body is fighting back and won't let me fast.

Anyway, hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,

Much love,

Ruby xxx

Where did it all start?

Hello my dears,
I hope you are all well today,

As I was walking my dogs this morning I pondered this question. I thought back to when I was a child and I do remember loving my food. I had certain ways of eating things and had little rituals and rules. My family often commented on my healthy appetite and I hated this. I was a very active child, I was in the local swimming club and also did ballet and jazz. I guess being so active  gave me the freedom of eating what I liked. I remember clearly the first time someone commented on my weight. It was my ballet teacher and she told me I was losing too much weight. I can still remember the thrill I. Being in a class where all anyone is wearing is a leotard and tights is definitely triggering. Then as I started in high school I became more and more aware of my body and shape and my bestfriend was obsessed with losing weight. So there were things in childhood that could have contributed to my ed but it wasn't until I was 18 that it started to get serious. By 18 I was well on my way to becoming a heroin addict and I was eating less and less. Food just wasn't a priority anymore. My eating disorder was developing along side my drug addiction but I wasn't even aware of it.

Age 19 and my parents signed me into hospital to do a drug detox, I was 84lbs. One day one of the nurses sat me down and told me I had anorexia. I lost it saying there was no way I was anorexic and she was totally wrong. I could barely endure being a drug addict let alone having an eating disorder and I didn't want to worry my parents even more. Looking back it was obvious I had an ed but denial is a powerful thing. I was supposed to go treatment after my hospital stay but they wouldn't accept me as I was not physically strong enough. I relapsed the day I got out of hospital. Over the next few years both addictions were rife and life was becoming unbearable.

I was also wondering if genetics have a part to play in your chances of developing an ed. Looking at my own family I would think yes. My dad has 9 brothers and sisters and all of them have an addiction of some sort including 2 with eating disorders. Also my 2 older sisters and my dad were all alcoholics although they are all sober now. This would seem to suggest that I was predisposed to developing an eating disorders and that my environment and experiences also played a part.

What contributed to you developing your eating disorder? Was it an offhand comment someone made?
Or maybe it was a diet that went out of control,

Do you think it is genetic?

I'm inching ever closer to a place where I will be happy to post my weight and am even considering posting some pictures.

Have  lovely Tuesday,

Much love x

In my skin

Good morning my dears,

I hope this post finds you happy and healthy.

It's another scorcher here today, we don't quite know what's hit us as we usually have pretty cold weather. Everyone is decked out in minimal clothing and sunburn. I like the idea of hot weather but when it's here I find it a bit much. God, I'm such a complainer, never bloody happy. Just enjoy it Ruby!

I walked my dogs on the beach which was beautiful even if I did feel like I was going to pass out. Also saw my doctor, a short and sweet visit, just the way I like it.

Last night being Sunday I didn't sleep at all. This is my own fault for not rationing my meds properly.  Today I would usually take the day off and sleep the day away in a drug induced slumber. But because of my killing the laptop last Monday my mother had a stern talk with me about taking my meds properly so I promised her I would take them as I am supposed to. I've kept my word, I don't want to worry her even more and I can't afford to kill another laptop. It feels good to do the right thing.

During the night I was thinking about the support group I used to go to and the friends I had, I miss them. But I can't seem to find the courage or the confidence to go back or even call one of them I've been in and out of this support group (narcotics anonymous) for the last 6 years and if I do go back I want to be 100% sure that I am committed to recovery and really give it a chance. I 'm not great at moving outside of my comfort zone and anything that causes me anxiety I usually run in the opposite direction. I'm quite shy until you get to know me and I am only truly myself around a handful of people. Around everyone else I wear a variety of masks and disguises .

This got me thinking back to times in my life when I was truly comfortable in my own skin and the times that jump out are the times I was in treatment. I've been in drug treatment 3 times and also eating disorder treatment  times. The ed treatment I was in was in a psychiatric hospital but it was not a typical hospital that has stark rooms, cold hallways and very ill people wandering around. This hospital was comfortable and quite plush. Everyone had their own room and bathroom and they were like little apartments. Needless to say it was ridiculously expensive and I was very fortunate that my parents had health insurance. Our ward was mixed so there were people with all kinds of conditions like depression, anxiety and bipolar. My first time there I was inpatient for four months although I was eventually discharged for not continuing to gain weight. There was something so refreshing about being around people whose problems, conditions, illness were out in the open. People spoke freely about  their illness, insecurities, fears and much more. I identified with these people so much and I truly felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt ok to be me warts and all. I could cry, vent, get angry, throw tantrums and no one judged me one bit. It was such an amazing feeling to be free to be me. Now there were some down sides to inpatient. I sometimes found myself in competition with other girls to be the thinnest or the sickest. I also learned a lot more about how to lose weight etc. I also had run ins with certain nurses but I will save those stories for another time. I met true friends in treatment, friends I am still in touch with. I suppose you go through so much together, you see each other at their lowest and then you see them blossom. It's strange to think that one of the only places I felt completely comfortable in my own skin was in a psychiatric hospital but it is true. Have any of you been in hospital or treatment? How did you find it? But treatment began to be counterproductive as I used it as an escape rather than a place to get well. I wouldn't rule it out if I got that bad again but I think outpatient can be just as helpful.

So that's my goal, to be comfortable in my own skin no matter where I am or who I'm with and no matter what size I am.

Oh yeah, I was in the chemist this morning collecting my meds and I was having a look around. I saw a lovely pair of purple pepe jeans sun glasses that would be perfect for my Italy trip. I have to confess that I almost popped them into my pocket. I used to shoplift regularly from this chemist, I have a bag of jewellry and make up that I neither want or need. I stopped when one day I was sure I had been seen and promised myself never again. I spent days worrying that I was going to get a visit form the guards. Shoplifting is an addiction for me too. I would never steal from another person but shops are hard to resist. I wouldn't get away with this in any other country but security seems to be lax here. I'm so glad now that I didn't take them as getting caught does not bear thinking about.

I'm fasting today and tomorrow, I just want to feel clean and empty so it's coffee and cigarettes for me.

I hope you all are well today and thanks for the comments on my last post,

Much love x

Feeling a fraud

The sun is beaming here today. Unusual for this country so I'm trying to enjoy it.

The dreaded night binging came back with a vengeance last night. I was up 3 times in the night binging and purging. What happened? I thought it had gone away but apparently not. It's not fun and it's just not good.
This morning I was wrecked after my nightly escapades. I dragged myself to the couch where I collapsed and promptly fell back to sleep. I intended to stay there for the day but I could hear my 2 dogs barking outside and I knew they were anxious to go walkies. So I peeled myself off the couch and piled them into my car.
We drove to a nearby lake where they had a good swim. It never ceases to amaze me how good an effect my dogs have on my mood. If I did not have them I would have surely stayed on that couch feeling sorry for myself. I suppose they take me away from myself for a moment because I have to take care of them.

Something else has been bothering me. I've posted before how at the moment I feel like I am in limbo. A wishy washy no-mans land. I don't consider myself to be in recovery but I am engaging in therapy so I guess I  am trying to help myself some. My eating disorder is still very much active but my weight is not at a critical low so a lot of the time I don't feel I am sick, or sick enough although my bathroom would tell a different story.
I read a lot of pro-ana blogs but I also read recovery blogs and engage with people from both. I suppose this is a reflection of my head space, being somewhere between the two. I think what I'm trying to say is that I feel like a fraud, a double agent. I flirt with both ways of life without committing to either. And I think the same can be said for my recovery from drugs. From the outside I am not using illegal drugs and I am clean. But look a little closer and you will see that I abuse my methadone and anxiety meds. Again I feel in limbo. on the surface everything seems ok but dig a little deeper and you will find things are not all rosy in the garden. I would love to know if any of you feel this way too as it is a lonely place to be. I paint a smile on my face everyday, I tell my doctor everything is fine, I lie to my therapist, all for what? So people won't worry? So I can be left in peace with my addictions? To be honest I'm not really sure. Oh and I almost forgot about the shoplifting. I remember them telling me in treatment that there is a link between eating disorders and shoplifting but that does little to make me feel better. I'm stealing, I might only be stealing cheap food items but I'm still stealing and Iwill be caught one of these days. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit to this but I have to be honest and I hope you will not judge me

It's been hard to write all this but I write in the hope that someone will identify or maybe even help someone else not to feel so alone.

I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,

Lots of love xxx

Resuming service

Yay, I'm back with a brand spanking new laptop. Happy dance!!!
I'm sorry to report that my other laptop sadly died during the week. Poor laptop, you were barely a year old and still had so much to give. At least you are in a better place now with all the other laptops in the sky. I will miss you.

I suppose I should explain what happened.
After I saw my doctor on Monday I decided to have an 'opt out of reality day'. As in I decided to take 3 days worth of my anti anxiety meds and sleep for the day which I did. Sometime in the evening I decided to blog but was not really awake. I had a cup of tea in one hand and a cigarette in the other when I must of dozed off for a minute. An unknown amount of time later I opened my eyes to see a puddle of tea on the computer. I jumped up to get a cloth but the damage had already been done. I had killed it. I was beyond angry with myself. Serves me right for abusing my meds. My mother was also plenty mad at me because we share the laptop. But she was also mad that I was abusing my meds. I promised her I would never do it again and I meant it. It's not good taking them that way but the truth is I use it as a way to get a break from my ed. Just one day ed free that's all I ask. Anyway we got a new one today so all is forgiven and normal service resumes.

So just to give a quick update.
I saw Mary on Thursday and we went through my food diary. Basically she asks me to keep a log of everything I eat and drink and any exercise I do. To be honest I'm not very good at keeping record and I have been known to lie about what I've eaten and play down the purging. I know I am just lying to myself but writing it down on paper would just make it all real and I'm not ready to face up to it yet. She is really urging me to address the purging but it's so freakin hard. Purging has become second nature to me, it's like breathing, it's essential. I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom. Lock the door, tie back my hair, make sure no one is outside, push two fingers down my throat and up it comes. Sorry that might have been too much info but that is the ugly truth of it. Whoever said eating disorders were glamorous or about vanity should come walk a day in my shoes.

Also  we are having a heatwave here so everyone is wearing less clothes. This makes me anxious. Having my bare arms and legs out is not something I'm comfortable with at the moment. This time last year I was about half a stone lighter so I felt ok but looking at myself in the mirror this morning I just wanted to cry. Now I know that I can't trust my own judgement of how I look but I still do it anyway. My cousins wedding is in exactly 2 months so I think I can get to a 'safe' weight by then. Otherwise I would rather not go. In saying this though, I watched back a recording of the dance show and I could see that my shape was childlike compared to some of the other girls who had shapely and curvy figures. I think they looked a lot better than me. Another side effect of the heat is that my appetite has decreased so I have been purging a lot less. Today has been purge free so far and hope to keep it that way. Purging has really taken it's toll on my body and restricting. As I posted before my body is childlike but my face looks older than my years. I have not had a period in years, my bones are brittle, my teeth are severely damaged and I can't afford to get them fixed, my hair is limp and lifeless and my eyes are vacant.
A couple of weeks ago my dance partner had come over to practise and he was looking at family photos. There was one of me and my family taken in New york about 3 years ago. I was about 2 stone heavier than I am now. He looked at this photo and asked if I was in it. I told him I was and asked him to guess which one was me. He went through everyone in the photo until he finally said 'is that you?' in surprise. He said 'wow, you're a lot heavier there, have you been on a diet?' I didn't know how to respond and wasn't sure if it was a backhanded compliment or an insult. I brushed it off saying I was bloated due to medication but it proves my theory that my eating disorder has changed the way I look. I just look well........different. It's hard to explain.

Anyway I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy.
I missed you all so much,
Let me know how you are,

Much love xxx

More technical issues

Still no joy with my laptop. It's driving me nuts having no internet, I am seriously having withdrawel symptoms which include irritabiliy, anger, rage and many more.

Have only a few minutes in this computer so just a very quick update.

Saw Mary this morning. She had asked me to bring in a photo of myself when I was well and happy. I brought in a photo that was taken just after I returned from Australia. I'm with my family and I look happy and healthy. My weight probably being around 54kilos. In fact I look like a completely different person. I think years of not looking after myself have taken it's toll. Now, in some ways I look like a little girl but in others I look like an old woman. Mary wants me to stop the purging completely. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I suppose I had come to a point where I just accepted that purging was part of my life and I just had to live with it. The thought of being purge free thrills me and terrifies me equally. Anyway we shall see how it goes.

Sorry for such a short post,

I miss all of you,

Much love xxx

Technical issues

The day before yesterday I managed to kill my laptop.
I had taken 3 of my anti anxiety meds and was very sleepy, I was on the computer with a cup of tea in my hand
and I must have dozed off for3 seconds because when I looked down there was tea on the keyboard. Now the stupid thing won't turn on and I feel like bouncing it off the wall. I'm just angry at myself for being so stupid.
So if I don't post regularly or comment on your blogs this is why. The only other computer I can get to is in the library.

Anyway a very quick update. I saw Mary yesterday and she weighed me. I'm down just over a kilo from last week. Not too shabby. I'll be keeping a a close eye on my weight from now on to avoid another rapid gain like before. Mia has not gone completely but she is definitely only working part time. Actually I think her and ana are job sharing at the moment. I don't know if I posted this before but my ed drives me to do odd things, shoplifting being one of them. When mia is around it can get very exspensive constantly stockin up on food so I have been known to shoplift. I know it's such a sneaky thing to do and I am very ashamed of it. But today I went to the supermarket with my dad and I put some treats for my dog in my bag and walked out of the shop. As I was walking over to my car I heard someone shout 'hello' behind me. My heart was thumping as I turned around to face what I thought was a security guard but it was just somebody on their phone. The relief.
I will definitely dedicate a post to shoplifting soon and explain in more detail what drives me to do it. I'd love to know if any of you have experienced this. I remember them telling me in treatment that there is a link between eating disorders and shoplifting so there must be others.

Ok, I better go, I'm in the library and my time is nearly up. Hopefully I'll be able to sort something out with my own computer soon.

Hope you are all well,

Much love x

Goodbye Mia, Hello Ana

Hello my dears,
I hope you are well today and enjoyed your weekend.

Tiredness lingers toady but that's ok, it's Monday and all I have is one doctors appointment today which was first thing this morning. I never sleep on a Sunday night but that is my own silly fault for not
rationing my meds properly through out the week.
My doctor gave me a drug test this morning. It is random testing and he rarely does it. Even though I know I have not used I still get nervous waiting for the little blue line to appear but of course it was clean.

I sense something has shifted with my eating disorder. It started yesterday. Usually Sundays are spent bingeing and purging continuously but yesterday was strangely calm and only b/p a couple of times. That was my first clue something was up.Then yesterday evening I had a sudden urge to weigh myself. I had stopped doing this as I just couldn't handle the rollercoaster of emotions it sent me on. Mary was weighing me once a week and  that was it.  So I stripped and tentatively stepped on the scale praying for it to be under a certain number. I opened one eye to look and relief flooded through me as I saw a 'safe' number. In fact I had lost weight. Eating disorder 1, recovery 0. But I can't lie, I felt that old familiar euphoric feeling that I only get from seeing the numbers go down. It definitely triggered me.
I knew it for sure when I couldn't eat last night because I couldn't bear the dreaded guilty feeling afterwards. Don't get me wrong, I am glad mia has left the building. She makes life a living hell. The endless bingeing and purging, the shoplifting food, the self loathing and the guilt I won't miss. Whereas mia is like a tornado leaving a trail of destruction, ana is a lot more subtle. She is sly and sneaky. She starts of by grooming me and seducing me by whispering in my ear 'you don't need food, you have me, do what I say and I will repay you with happiness, confidence, self belief and the body you've always wanted'. 'Come with me, I will look after you so you will never be alone, I am the only friend you need'. Even though I know the consequences of listening to her are devastating I find myself thinking, maybe this time will be different, maybe I can do this on my terms this time. She is luring me in and it's so very hard to resist. But why does it have to be one or the other, why can't I be somewhere inbetween, eating enough so I am not restricting but not so much that I am not bingeing. Ay ay ay......
But I do not relax, I know that just when you think mia has left she can come back and slap you right in the face. She is as subtle as a sledge hammer.

Anyway, time will tell how this plays out.

Also, a shout out to 'me destruit'. Thank you for your comments and yes I would love to get in contact with you. My  email is andthenshedisappeared@yahoo.ie

I wish you all lots of love and light,

Have a good day x

The day after the night before.....

Hello my dears,
I hope this post finds you all well.
I am so very tired today, tired but happy.
Our much anticipated show went ahead last night so I will share it with you.

My day did not start out well. I was a bundle of nervous energy and my good friend (yea right) bulimia made an unexpected appearance. 'I thought I gave you the day off'. 'You can't get rid of me that easily' she replied. So I binged and purged 4 times before lunch time. I inhaled the food even though it tasted vile. The bingeing and purging had to come to an end then as I had a busy day ahead. 2pm was our hair and makeup appointment. I got soft curls over one shoulder and a smoky eye with pillar box red lipstick. It felt strange being pampered and primped like that. I rarely get my hair and makeup done but I went with it and tried to enjoy it. As I looked in the mirror in the hair salon I could see my eating disorder staring back at me, pale skin, vacant eyes, limp hair and damaged teeth. Such a difference after the hair and war paint were done. I looked and felt like a  different person. I was starting to feel the part.

6pm we all gathered at the venue for last minute rehearsals. Then we changed into our costumes. As I posted before it was 1920's themed. My outfit was a black flapper dress complete with feather headband, mary jane shoes and cigarette holder. Before we knew it, it was 8pm and showtime.

First we did 2 group numbers to 'puttin' on the ritz' and 'aint that a kick in the head'. They went well and then it was time for our couples dance. We were third last so we waited nervously backstage. Then it was our turn. We danced to 'fatsam's grand slam' from the movie 'Bugsy Malone'. It was over in a flash and we were happy just to have got through it. Then 5 couples were recalled to dance again.
I was sure it wouldn't be us so we were shocked and thrilled when our names were called.
We gave it socks the second time around and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I f nothing else happened I was happy to have come this far.

The judges took their time making their decision but then it was time. In the end we came third overall and I couldn't have been happier. I was so happy for my partner as he couldn't dance when we started this 2 months ago and he had worked so hard. For me it was a victory of a different kind. I am notrious for starting things and not finishing them. This was the first thing in a long time that I had started something and seen it through to the end. Also finding the strength and confidence to dance again was difficult.

So there it was, a great night and a good result. One of the nicer moments of the night was when one of the other girls mother came up to me and told that she had spoken of me and said I was a lovely girl. That made my heart swell as I had always thought I was a bit of an outsider but maybe that's just in my head.

Today I am spending time with my family and bulimia seems to have disappeared. Don't hurry back now.

I hope all of you are well and thanks for the support and the good wishes. It was great to know all of you were behind me.

Much love to youxxx

D day

So today's the day. After two months of hard work it all happens tonight. We had our last practise yesterday and the room was all set up with all the seats and the judges table. Yes, there are judges but we are assured that it won't be an X factor type situation where they tell us we are rubbish and shouldn't have bothered. It will all be positive and encouraging. I hope. There are 3 group dances and then we dance with our partner for one number. Seeing the room all set up last night made me nervous as it all suddenly seemed real. Up until now it was hard to believe today would ever come but here it is all too soon. One thing that I am worried about is that everybody is going clubbing afterwards and by the sounds of it they intend to get trashed. Call me boring but I don't drink anymore (see previous alcohol and drug addiction) and I just don't fancy watching everyone else get drunk.. I have an excuse at the ready, I have to go to my friends birthday party. Does that sound plausible?

Anyway, eating disorder I need you to leave me alone today. I'm giving you the day off, just one day is all I ask. I need to be able to eat something and not purge or feel overwhelming guilty because I do not want to faint on the middle of the dance floor. So take a hike, I promise you can come back tomorrow but today I just can't deal with you.

A small victory, I made it through the night without waking up and raiding the fridge. I have been doing this for about the last month. I think hunger wakes me up and I stumble to the kitchen half asleep and grab the first thing that looks tasty. Hopefully that's the end of that messed up behaviour.

So my dears, I hope this post finds you all well and please cross your fingers for me today.

Lots of love,

Rubyxxx

Dazed and confused

More like pissed off, angry and confused.
I was weighed twice this week, once by my doctor on Monday and yesterday by Mary. There was two kilos in the difference. I chose to believe the higher weight. I'm not going to post it because then that would make it real. I won't post it until I'm safely back in double digits. I'm not ready to stay over 100lbs just yet.

When Mary weighed me, again I bypasses disappointment and sadness and went straight to anger. Anger at Mary for weighing, anger at the stupid scale but most of all anger at myself for letting it happen. She said the weight gain would be slow and steady but it's not, it's fast and out of control. I was so close to just storming out of there but in fairness to Mary she handled the situation very well. She helped me to calm down and tried to make me see that it's just a number. Yes it's just a number but it's a powerful number. It dictates my mood, my self worth, my self esteem and so much more. I tried to explain to her that my ed is the only thing I have in my life. Other people have jobs, college, families and boyfriends, all I have is my eating disorder. Yes I have dancing but that's coming to an end tomorrow. She is trying to help me introduce other things in to my life but the truth is nothing interests me as much as losing weight. She spoke to me for an hour and a half and I did feel a little better but I was already plotting my next fast as she spoke.

I feel like I'm floating in between my ed and recovery, limbo. My body is craving weight gain but my mind craves bones. I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't want to eat, I just want to be thin again but maybe I am thin and I just can't see it. I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know.
I wish I could just make a decision and stick to it, either throw myself in to recovery or continue with my ed. I hate being in this wishy washy, no mans land place.

How are all of you? Hope you are having a better day than me.

Much love to youxxx

Diet pills and coffee

I know I said a few posts back that I wasn't going to take diet pills anymore but I've already binged and purged 2 times already and it's only lunchtime. Taking the pill is the only thing that stops my ravenous hunger in it's tracks. True it makes me feel like shit but that's the lesser of two evils at this point.

I'm going to see Mary in half an hour and that means the dreaded weigh in. The last time she weighed me I was down a bit but I have a feeling that won't be the case today. We shall see.

Had my second last dance practise last night, it really is coming together and I love my outfit, a1920'S black flapper dress complete with feather headband, boa and the mandatory cigarette holder (coz smoking is cool don't ya know)
So the group has got to know each other by this stage and we're all pretty comfortable around each other. That is apart from me. I feel like I'm socially handicapped these days. When I'm around a group of people I get all anxious and can't think of anything to say and usually end up saying something totally random and stupid. I find it especially hard around the girls as one of two subjects always come up. Weight and alcohol. Now I don't drink anymore (see alcohol and drug addiction age 18 - 23) so I really can't contribute to the 'how much did you drink at the weekend' conversation and people tend to interrogate me when I tell them I don't drink. Then there's the weight conversation. One girl told me she's trying to lose 10lbs. Cue me saying 'but you don't need to lose weight, your tiny'. I don't join in on the 'I need to lose weight' thing because it would just sound stupid because in their eyes I probably look like I don't need to lose weight. So yeah my social skills are pretty rusty, I usually think of something clever to say 10 minutes after the conversation has ended. Does that ever happen to you?

Yikes, I'm late, better go, wouldn't want to miss my weigh in.

Hope you are all well,

Lots of lovexxx

Having trouble following me?

Hey guys,

I think a couple of people are having trouble following me, if you are too can you let me know and I'll see if there's something wrong on my end.

Thanksxxx

Coincidence?

A couple of posts ago I wrote that I wished I had the courage to go back to my support group. The next day I received a text from an old friend, someone that I used to go to meetings with all the time and considered him a good friend. He also had pulled away from meetings and was texting to ask me if I wanted to go to a meeting with him, the thinking being that it would be easier to go together rather than alone. I pretty sure my ex-sponsor would say that that was my higher power at work, that there are no coincidences. Do I believe that?Well I guess it would be nice to think that someone or something heard my cry for help and intervened but the cynical side of me says it was just a coincidence. Either way I was glad to get the text. I can't get to a meeting this week because of the dancing but hopefully I'll meet my friend next week and get my ass to a meeting. But it got me thinking, do any of you believe in a higher power? Do you believe that someone is looking out for you? When I was in recovery I definitely believed and handed over my day every morning. It did help and it was a comfort. Now I'm so far away from recovery it's hard to believe I will ever get back there. But I have to, for my physical and mental health. True I have managed to stay away from drugs but I'm still abusing my meds so isn't that the same thing. Ay ay ay, my brain is fryed.  I f you were me would you go back to meetings? I'd love to know what you think.

In other news, my dance classes photo is in the local paper today so I'm going to collect it now. Exciting!!

Just got back from the shop, our photo is great although I thought I looked fat but that's nothing new. I can't quite believe that this dance show is going ahead on Saturday. Even though we've been preparing for it for the last two months I don't feel quite ready. There are 3 group dance and then a dance with our partner. Fingers crossed!!

I cancelled my appointment with Mary my therapist today to avoid being weighed. I know I'm just postponing the inevitable but I just can't face it, not today.

Hope you are all well,

Lots of lovexxx

I was reading 'Winters' last post, she wrote about how she is trying to  lose weight the healthy way.

This got me thinking about myself and the ways that I lose weight. I definitely don't lose weight the healthy way, in fact I think it's fair to say that I'm pretty self destructive in the ways I lose weight ie restricting, purging, laxatives and purging. I've always been self destructive starting with drug and alcohol addiction at 18, then my eating disorder took up where my drug addiction left off.

Also when I get blood tests done or have a bone scan or an ECG, part of me hopes that the results come back abnormal. Why? Because if I have abnormal results then that means I must have an eating disorder because a lot of the time I doubt I have an eating disorder at all. These results are proof that I have an ed and they are like trophies. I know that id totally weird right? Does anyone else  think like this?

That brings me to my next question, why don't I care enough about myself to look after my body? It is a temple after all. I'm not sure of the answer to this question. I'm sure having low self esteem doesn't help, not caring whether you live or die doesn't help, wanting to be thin no matter what doesn't help. I wish I had more respect for me and my body. My mother takes a cocktail of vitamins and supplements in the morning but it would never even occur to me to take them. I suppose I take my health for granted and never consider that someday it could give out on me. What about you, do you take your health in to consideration when trying to lose weight? I sure don't.and my body pays the price.

In other news, our dance show is in this Saturday so it's a busy week preparing for it. I'm nervous but excited. I'll definitely have to find something to replace it when it's over. Maybe another dance class or zumba.

Welcome new followers, thanks for following me.

Much lovexxx

Recovery, are you out there?

Monday is doctor day for me, to collect my meds and have a quick chat. He weighed me this morning which he rarely does, he was happy, I was not but I'm not even going there today. He asked me what I'm planning to do when my dancing comes to an end this weekend. I told him I wasn't sure but I would love to keep on dancing in some way. Doing the dancing has been great, it gives me something to do, something to work towards, it has improved my mood and my confidence. Then he said something really sweet, he said 'you have too much talent to be sitting at home all day'. That's my problem right there, I don't have the self confidence or belief in myself to go for my dreams, part of me thinks it's too late. It was nice to hear that he believes in me  though.

I've been thinking a lot about recovery, what it means to me and do I want it. As I said in my last post I want to want it. I deep down in my heart that no matter how low the numbers on the scale go it will never be enough. I know this because at 77lbs I still wasn't happy and still thought I was fat. Instead of being fat and miserable, I was skinny and miserable. Do any of you ever think about giving recovery a shot? What stops me is that I can't imagine eating three meals a day plus snacks and keeping it down. That scares the shit out of me. Also what does recovery mean to me? It's not just about gaining weight although that is part of it. Recovery to me means being comfortable in my own skin, accepting myself flaws and all inside and out, it means not being afraid of living in reality, it means meeting friends for lunch, going to the cinema and enjoying warm, salty popcorn, it means keeping my food and not going batshit crazy if I can't purge, it means having a full and rich life with family, friends, boyfriends, jobs, hobbies and fun, it means remembering how to laugh again and above all it means being ok with me no matter what weight I am.

This all sounds great so what is stopping me? I could just try it for 6 months and if I didn't like it I could always go back to my eating disorder. It just goes to show how powerful this illness is.

Hope you all are well,

Much lovexxx

Ana & Mia

I weighed this morning. I've gained. Enough to spin me into a black hole of depression.
I know it's because of my sleep binging, waking up a couple of times a night to have a midnight feast.
I disgust myself right now.

Why do I put myself through this? I could have chosen not to weigh this morning and I would have been none the wiser.
I wish I didn't measure my worth by the number on the scales. I wish you didn't either.
I wish I had enough self esteem to accept myself the way I am. I wish you did too.
I wish I wanted recovery. I wish you wanted it too.
I want to want to recover, if that makes sense.
I wish anorexia hadn't chosen me.
I wish I was comfortable in my own skin.
I wish I hadn't pushed all my friends away.
I wish I had the courage to go back to my support group.
I wish that I don't spend today binging and purging.

Fuck you ana.
Fuck you even harder mia.

So the fast was a disaster. I lasted until about 3pm then the binge/purge monster reared it's ugly head and little old me is no match for him. I'm physically and mentally exhausted after a day of b/p and I'm sure there's more to come. Apart from being disgusting I always think the act of purging is quite violent and I'm sure it does a lot of damage eg rinsing my teeth with hydrochloric acid every time, This acid can put holes in steel so you can imagine what it does to teeth. Mine are in a terrible state. Anyway back to the fast, I used to be able to fast for days but not anymore, in fact it's a pointless act, the urge to binge and purge always wins. The one good side effect is that I tend to lose weight after b/p.

I have a dance practise tomorrow morning then a dress rehearsal at 6pm so busy day.

Hope you all well,

Lots of lovexxx

Fuck my life

So I'm fasting today, along with some other beautiful bloggers. Mary will weigh me on Wednesday so hopefully I'll see a significant drop by then. The first day is always the hardest so I'm trying to stay busy to keep my mind off food. To be honest part of me feels a bit weird supporting other peoples choice to fast. Part of me wants to say 'you don't need to fast, you are beautiful and perfect the way you are'. But I can't be a hypocrite and say it's alright for me to do it but it's not ok for you. I have an eating disorder but I don't consider myself pro-ana. I didn't choose to become anorexic although I choose not to pursue recovery. Maybe that does make me pro-ana. I don't know it's confusing. Do you consider yourself pro-ana? I am torn between wanting to do the right thing and my eating disorder. So why do I hang on to my eating disorder with a death grip. The truth is I don't know how to live without it. It's like me security blanket. It numbs me. it's there for me no matter what, it's what I'm good at. Other people have things that define them like they might be a great artist of an amazing singer. My defining characteristic is my eating disorder as sad as that is. Also as hard as it is to admit it my ed is a great excuse to opt out of life. I can't get a job because I have an eating disorder, I can't go to college because I have an eating disorder, I can't go out to dinner with you because I have an eating disorder, the list goes on and on. And why do I not want to do any of these things? It all boils down to a fear of failure. 

Fuck my life.

Fast is going well so far, am allowing myself tea with sweetener and that is all.

Hope you all are having a good weekend.

Much lovexxx

Just back from seeing Mary. It went ok, she didn't weigh me. She said I really need to address the purging  but I just don't know how. I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom. After I've eaten I feel uncomfortably full to the point that it's painful and the anxiety is unbearable. All I can think is 'I have to get this food out, I can't stand this'. I have an irrational fear that the food won't move beyond my stomach and that it all just piles up in there. She asked me if I thought I had made progress. Truthfully I don't really think I have but I didn't want to say that so I said I thought I had made a little bit. I won't give up hope just yet though and I'll keep going to see her.

I'm heading to dancing soon. We're getting our photo taken tonight for the local newspaper so we're getting a bit dressed up. I'm wearing a black and grey dress from french connection, black tights and black heels. Our performance is next Saturday so the nerves are starting to kick in. I'll really miss it when it's all over though. Am thinking of starting zumba as I hear it's really good.

I'm so tired today. That probably has something to do with the fact that I was up 3 times in the night for a midnight feast. It's becoming a bit of a habit so I need to put a stop to it.

Hope you all are having a good day,

Lots of lovexxx

Methadone yay or nay?

I've been on a methadone programme for the past 7 years. This as basically a drug substitute, it's like a stepping stone between using drugs and being 100% clean. So being on the programme means I have to see my doctor every week for a urine test and stay clean. I started off on quite a high dose but am now down to quite a low dose with the goal to be completely off it by this christmas. This is a good thing but it also scares the shit out of me. Methadone helps with cravings so I'm afraid that when I'm off it that the cravings will come back. I would rather die than go back to a life of drug addiction. It's actually quite similar to my eating disorder just a different substance. Now there will be a lot of positives to coming of it eg my teeth. Methadone is a sickly sweet syrup and taking it everyday means it has affected my teeth badly. Also travelling is a pain and I'm often stopped by customs so I have to have a doctors letter with me. I suppose I'm scared of relapsing so I'll just have to be very careful over the next few months.

I didn't weigh this morning but think I will tomorrow morning. I'm seeing Mary very soon so I actually better go right now.

 Lots of lovexxx

Treatment

I had dance practise last night.  Really enjoy it. Our show is less than two weeks away now. I got my outfit, It's a black flapper dress complete with feather head band and cigarette holder. I don't know what I'll do after the show, I'll really miss the dancing. I'll have to find something to replace it. It was a really big deal for me to join this dance group as I'm not great at meeting new people but I really wanted to do it so I pushed past the anxiety. The only thing I'm worried about is that I've heard people say that after the show they're all going to get pissed. Now I don't drink and don't really go to pubs so I'm not sure how I'll handle that situation. We shall see.

Foodwise today I've b/p twice and hopefully that's the end of it. Didn't weigh this morning but definitely will tomorrow. I thought my jeans felt a little looser today or maybe I'm just getting used to them feeling tighter.

I was wondering if any of you out there in the blogosphere had been in inpatient treatment and if so how did you find it? I've been in treatment 3 times but never successfully finished the programme. The first 2 times I was discharged and the third time I left myself. I think there are pros and cons to inpatient. I found that I got quite competitive with the other girls and it became about who was the sickest. I think you really have to be so strong in inpatient not to get sucked in to this. But on the plus side it's a good kickstart to recovery. I suppose like any other addiction you have to really want it for yourself coz it doesn't seem to work if you do it for someone else. The last time I was in treatment I overheard 2 nurses taking  the piss out of me. I was devastated and ended up leaving. I played down how much it got to me but the truth was I felt so hurt. I would consider going back in but not until I'm 100% sure I'm dedicated to getting well. There's no point otherwise.

Hope you're all well,

Much lovexxx

F.E.A.R

 I  saw my eating disorder therapist Mary this morning. She gets me to write a food diary so basically I keep a record of what I eat and drink, the time, the place, whether I binged or purged and what my thoughts were. It's actually quite helpful. Last week I purged an average of four times a day which isn't great. We went through what my triggers are for bingeing (not sure that's the correct spelling) and the main ones are - eating on my own, eating in  front of the t.v, eating binge food, boredom and leaving it too long between eating. I told her weeks ago that I'd get rid of my scale and I still haven't done. To be honest I've no intention of doing it. She weighed me and I'm down 1lb on her scale. I was secretly overjoyed but did not tell her this. So my homework this week is to plan my day so I don't get bored and get the urge to b/p. We'll see how that goes.

I thought I would share a little bit of my past seeing how I've not posted about it yet. My troubles really started when I finished school although there had been events leading up to this. I remember doing my final exams and I just couldn't wait for them to be over. I remember walking out my school gates for the last time and it was a huge anticlimax. The freedom I had now was overwhelming, I didn't know what to do next. I decided I wanted to go travelling (10 years later I still haven't gone) so I took the first job that came my way. It was around my 18th birthday that my then boyfriend introduced me to heroin. I became addicted very quickly and soon my whole life turned upside down. Then my parents split up so my mother and I rented a house together. Of course my appetite decreased but I had no inkling that I was developing an eating disorder. At age 19 I went into hospital to do a detox, by this time I was purging as well as restricting. I remember a nurse sitting me down and telling me I had anorexia. I was floored and I didn't believe her. Looking back I was so in denial. I was meant to go on to a treatment centre but they wouldn't take me as I was too weak physically. So I went home and relapsed on drugs and continued to starve. The next 10 years are a blur, like a dream I can't quite remember. I've been in drug treatment 3 times and eating disorder 3 times. I'm clean now but my eating disorder is still rampant.

Fear stops me from getting better. Take away my ed and I'm not sure what's left. Me I suppose. I don't like me very much so that's not good. I honestly don't know how I would cope without it. It's like a job. I put in the work ie restricting and exercising and expect a nice fat pay cheque at the end of the week ie weight loss. There would be a huge ed shaped hole in my life and I'm not sure how I'd fill it.

Is anyone out there successfully in recovery?

Much love,

 Ruby tuesdayxxx

Moon baby

I didn't sleep last night.
Well I did but not until about 6am this morning. I hate you insomnia although it was my own fault for running out of meds.
It's a strange feeling being awake when everyone else is asleep. I felt like I was the only person in the whole world. Very lonely. The moon was amazing though.

I know I said I wasn't going to weigh til tomorrow but I just couldn't stand it any longer. I had to know what damage I had done. So at 4am this morning I tentatively stepped on my scales. I prepared myself for the worst, expecting to see 110lbs, maybe 108lbs if I'm lucky. I cannot tell you the relief when the scale read 102lbs. Thank you scale Gods! All is not lost. I honestly thought I had gained more than 5lbs. I guess it just goes to show that I can't trust how fat I feel or even trust the mirror. It's weird to think that I can't believe my own eyes. So I guess now it's back to obsessively weighing myself, after I eat, drink, pee, poop.......

I had my weekly appointment with Dr. Dark this morning. So I painted a smile on my face and went through the usual 'yes I'm fine thanks' routine. It's like I know him so well now that I don't want to disappoint him by telling him how I really am, what's really going on. How I'm hanging on by my finger nails, how I abuse the meds he prescribes me, how I would rather die than put on weight, how I'm so scared all the time. I think it would be easier to talk to a doctor who I don't know so well. Instead  I tell him I'm feeling well and making progress with Mary my therapist. I also tell him that I'm preparing for my upcoming dance show. He tells me that he used to do set dancing in college. I had to swallow a laugh as I had a mental image.

So today I plan to catch up on some much needed sleep and eat as little as possible.

Oh before I go just wanted to share this with you,

You tell on yourself,

By the friends you seek,
By the manner in which you speak,
By the way you employ your leisure time,
By the use you make of dollar or dime

You tell what you are
By the things you wear,
By the spirit in which your burdens you bear,
By the kind of things at which you laugh,
By the records you play on your phonograph

You can tell what you are
By the way you talk,
By the spring in your step in talking a walk,
By the manner in which you bear defeat,
By so simple a thing as what you eat

By the books you choose from a well defined shelf,
In these ways and more, you tell on yourself,
So there really is not a particle of sense,
in your efforts to keep up a false pretence.

I though that was so true.

Have a great day,

Much love,

 Ruby-tuesdayxxx

What's a messed up girl to do?

It's a bank holiday here today. It's tradition in my house to do sweet feck all on a bank holiday so that's what I'm doing. I went to the shop earlier with my pyjamas on underneath my hoody. My thinking was that I'll just be putting them on again later so what's the point in taking them off. Is that depression talking? I think so.

I've already b/p purged once today but gonna try and leave it at that. Who am I kidding I have no control over the b/p monster. It rears it's ugly head whenever it god damn pleases. I have no meds left. I always have none left on a Sunday/Monday. Reality bites!

I was reading another blog today and the blogger posed the question 'am I really sick?'
I ask myself this question a lot. All the evidence points to yes. I've been diagnosed with anorexia/bulimia as well as depression, anxiety and drug addiction. I haven't had a period in nearly 10 years and well, I just don't function normally. My whole world is my eating disorder, it's all i think about. Losing weight is the most important thing in my life, how sad is that? But still I ask myself 'am I sick?' I'm sure it must be a  symptom of the eating disorder that I don't feel sick or it doesn't count unless I am the sickest.

There are 2 sets of scales in my bedroom, I haven't weighed in nearly a week and they are taunting me, daring me to step on them. I'm terrified of them. They have the power to spin me in to a black hole so I don't know which way is up. They equally have the power to sky rocket me into euphoria if the number is down. Neither is normal. Why do these numbers rule my life? Weights, sizes, measurements..... I wish I was  just comfortable in my own skin no matter what size I am, I suppose that's why people choose recovery but recovery equally terrifies me.

What's a messed up girl to do?

Please tell me things will get better,

Much love,

Ruby-tuesdayxxx

Dance, dance, dance

I'm still feeling the effects of the diet pills I took yesterday, queasy and just a feeling of all I want to do is lie down and sleep. Note to self, don't take them again.

A few weeks ago I signed up to do a Strictly Come Dancing type fundraiser for a charity in my area. Our performance is in 2 weeks. So my dance partner called in this morning to practise. I was feeling pretty shit but we need the practise. It went well. I actually love dancing. It's one of the only things that takes my mind off my ed. Our dance is 1920's themed, the charleston etc. It's coming together.

Foodwise today I haven't been that hungry so I didn't binge or purge at all. Usually Sunday is a big b/p fest for me because I'm usually in the house on my own and have nothing on. On a Sunday I usually go to the supermarket in the morning, fill a huge shopping bag with binge food, not forgetting 7up free to help bring it all back up and walk out of the shop. I have an irrational fear that the person working on the checkout knows what I'm going to do with all this food so to save myself the embarrassment I bypass them. I'm not condoning shoplifting at all and I never steal at any other time but I do this the odd time and yes I am ashamed of it and I do worry what people who read this will think. But this is the reality of my ed and as hard as it is to admit these things I have to be honest. As I said I haven't b/p today, all I've really had to eat is tea and toast. Ididn't weigh today either, I've decided I'm going to weigh on Wednesday morning and hopefully will see a loss.

My mood is ok today, I dragged myself out of bed reluctantly this morning but I think the dance practise cheered me up.

Til tomorrow,

Much love,

Rubyxxx

You like your girls insane

In an effort to kick start a four day fast I took 2 diet pills this morning. Now I remember why I don't take them. They make me feel really queasy  and they  mess with my head. So I'm too sick to eat, drink or even smoke a cigarette. Have been lying on my couch for the last 2 hours watching the final of Masterchef New Zealand. Food porn.

The last few nights I've been waking up in the middle of the night absolutely ravenous and have been raiding the kitchen cupboards for something to eat. I think this might have something to do with my mysterious weight gain. I'm not even fully awake when I do this. I'm sleep bingeing. What a greedy guts!! I'm waking up the morning surrounded by twix wrappers, crisp packets and other debris from a midnight feast. This has to stop.

I was thinking about inpatient treatment for eating disorders and how it didn't really work for me. I've been in treatment 3 times and granted I've never actually finished the programme successfully but it doesn't seem to have worked. Maybe I just wasn't ready. I was wondering if any of you (if anyone's reading this)  have been in treatment and how you got on.

Ok I'm off to watch Come dine with me (more food porn)

Much love,

Rubyxxx

Too scared to weigh

Still haven't weighed. What a coward.

I'm finding that when I wake up  in the morning I'm dreading the day ahead. The last time I remember feeling this way was when I was addicted to drugs. I used to wake up feeling so depressed knowing what the day had in store. Actually there a lot of similarities between my drug addiction and my ed. I guess my ed picked up where my addiction left off.

I definitely have an addictive personality and I think I could possibly get addicted to anything - drugs, alcohol, prescription meds, food, television, exercise, laxatives..............

Sleep is a welcome release. I look forward going to bed at night to get a break from the committee in my head. I can escape to the land of dreams where anything is possible.

I'm feeling pretty lonely these days. I used to go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings and had a small but close circle of friends including two girls who also have eating disorders. But as I regressed further and further into my ed I pulled away from my friends. First I stopped going to meetings, then was only in contact by text but now there's no contact at all. My world has shrunk to just me and my ed. There's no room for anyone else.

I have two dogs and they're the only things keeping me sane. I have to get up to let them out. I have to walk them so that gets me out of the house. I'm responsible for them.

I'm trying to hang on. I've already b/p once today. I went food shopping with my mother. Sometimes I love food shopping, sometimes I hate it. Today I was hungry so I bought binge food and 7up free to help me purge. We'll see how the day pans out.

Much love,

Ruby tuesdayxxx

Ignorance is bliss

I haven't weighed in two days for two reasons. 1 my therapist Mary has asked me  not to and 2 I just can't face it.  I know I've gained, I can feel it. My jeans feel tighter, where my hips used to stick out is now flabby. Of course I might be totally in my imagination but I fear not. I'm seeing Mary again in  week so I won't weigh until then and hopefully I'll see a significant drop.

So Mary is nice and she's very on the ball. I've told her that I'm not sure that I want recovery but she says feeling like that is normal. I'm not 100% honest with her yet. Part of me doesn't want to tell her all my ed secrets because then what's left for me? Today she went through the physical effects of my ed and being underweight eg loss of periods. I didn't tell her but the truth is I actually don't mind things like this. In fact I see things like lanugo, hair falling out as indicators that I do have an ed if that makes sense. They're like trophys of my ed. For example when I got blood tests done recently, I was hoping the results would come back abnormal because then I would know for sure that I have an ed. I suppose because I don't see the thinness I'm looking for other things to prove I have an ed. Weird I know.

I'm attending a wedding abroad in July. Nothing like a wedding to bring on the motivation to lose weight. So that gives me 3 months to lose as much weight as possible. I'm thinking a stone will do nicely. I want peolpe to do a double take when they see me, I want them to be shocked, to elbow each other and whisper oh my God what happened to her. Is this attention seeking? Probably. I want to flaunt my bones like they are pieces of jewellry. I want to look delicate and fragile and ethereal.  I want to be as light as a feather.

I will  get there.

Much love,

Ruby tuesdayxxx

Epic fail

So day 1 of my fast was a disaster, I lasted til about 5pm, then I broke loose and ended up bingeing and purging all evening. Uuughh.  Have started over today and so far it's going better.  I fight evenings the hardest, maybe because I've more time to myself. The devil makes work for idle hands and all that.  Am going to my dance class tonight though so that'll keep the binge/purge monster under control (as well as burning calories).

I didn't weigh this morning. I just couldn't face the disgust, disappointment, sadness, anxiety, anger if the number was up. I'll weigh in a couple of days when I'm sure I've lost weight.  God, I remember the days when restricting was so easy and the weight just fell off. Nowadays it's so much harder, food is much harder to resist.  I think it's a myth that people with eating disorders don't like food.  I can only speak for myself but I love my food, really love it  but I'm also afraid of it.  Afraid that once I start eating I'll lose control and won't be able to stop.  Also I think it's harder to lose weight the older you get.  I'm 30 now and have had my ed for 11 years.  It's never been this hard to lose weight but I'm not giving up just yet.

Saw my psychiatrist today who I'll call Dr. M.  We've always had a rocky relationship but he was actually nice to me today and said I had made some progress.

Please let me know if anyone's reading this.

Much love,

Rubyxxx

My so called life

God I am so angry with myself today

I spent most of yesterday sleeping so I didn't binge and purge at all so was feeling pretty good.
That was until I stepped on the scale this morning.
Is it even possible to gain 2 pounds overnight? Well apparently it is.
I bypassed disappointment, sadness and anxiety and went straight to anger.
Anger at what a complete pig person I am.
What a disgusting lump of lard I am.
Is it my imagination or do my jeans feel tighter?

I wish I could unzip my skin and step out of it.

I had an appointment with my new therapist Mary this afternoon but I could barely concentrate on what she was saying.  She weighs me every few appointments and she weighed me today.
It reads even higher than my scale.

I lose it and start crying. Not tears of sadness but tears of pure temper. It's all I can do to not pick up the scale and bounce it off the wall. The number on the scale dictates my mood for the day and if it goes up it ruins my day, week, month.

I don't hear a word she says after that. I'm already putting a plan together to lose weight.
I think it's time for a a good old fashioned fast.  Only tea with sweetener is allowed or if I get really weak I'll allow myself a slice of toast once a day.  Just popped a diet pill to help me get started.
So am gonna try to channel this anger into motivation.


My lowers ever weight was 77 pounds. Have to get back there. It's all that matters right now.

I have a wedding in July so am gonna aim to have lost 15 pounds by then.

It will happen. I will be skinny again.

Much love,

Ruby tuesdayxxx