Confessions

I told Mother about the shoplifting
We were doing the cliff walk and I hadn't planned to tell her then (thinking about it, it was a dangerous place to tell her lol)
But I suddenly found a bit of courage from somewhere and decided to confess
'Mam, I've something else to tell you'
'Oh God what?'
'Mary thinks it's a good idea to tell you so I'm just going to say it'
At this point I decided to see if she knew already
'Have you any idea what I'm going to say?'
'Is it something you used to do when you were on drugs?'
'Yes'
I knew then she knew but I just couldn't find the words, shame washed over me
'You say it'
'No you say it'
She finally said 'Is it shoplifting?'
'Yes'
'Oh Ruby'
'I haven't done it in nearly 2 weeks and I really want to stop'
'What are you taking?'
'Food'

The conversation didn't last too long and I tried to convey that I was determined to stop but she knows by now that words are cheap
She pointed out that I could ruin my and destroy my reputation in our community
I know this
I haven't shoplifted in almost 2 weeks now and the truth is I used to be a lot worse
When I first moved here I was fresh out of heroin addiction
I stole everyday
My favourite haunt was the chemist where I collected my methadone
It was like a pick n mix
I stole everything from makeup to jewellry to anything and everything
I still have 2 boxes full of makeup and 2 bags of jewellry in my bedroom
Most of which has never been used
I started to feel guilty because the chemist was so nice to me, he always took the time to ask me how I was doing and was very encouraging
Over the next 5 years I would tell him about the highs and lows of recovery
Then one day a staff member told me the chemist wasn't coming back
I was crushed
I wanted to thank him so I wrote him a card and left it in the chemist for them to post
Then I found out he had been fired, the way I heard it he had been 'too friendly' to a female customer
To be honest I don't believe this, it's only hearsay anyway
But he was fired for something, I don't know what
The chemist that replaced him wasn't half as nice
I think it's the chemists loss because he was a great chemist, caring but not patronising
I started shoplifting there again
Over time I have gradually realised how stupid it is to steal from there
They are one of only 2 chemists in the town and I don't fancy having to go to the other one
Overall they are lovely to me in my chemist and I always have a chat with the girls
I often wonder if they ever knew
They could well have
So I've stopped taking from there, it's plain stupid
I remember once feeling so guilty for taking something that I was very close to going back and confessing but someone talked me out of it

So hopefully this is the end of my shoplifting career
Time to get honest
Quit while I'm ahead

I got a new camera yesterday (from said chemist and yes I paid for it) so I'll be able to add more photos from now on

Have a happy Saturday x

'Ivory'

Thanks for all the great feedback on'are we all addicts?'

It was a good documentary and really got me thinking

It reminded me of the one and only time I've used legal highs

Let me share it with you

It was a perfectly normal Saturday afternoon, drugs were the furthest thing from my mind and I was heading to my regular 1pm NA meeting

It was a small meeting only 3 of us when an extremely thin girl walked in

She was a bit flustered and when she sat down and looked into her eyes I could tell she was on something but I wasn't sure what

She spoke but didn't make a lot of sense, cementing my impression that she was a bit out of it

The meeting finished up and I ended up sharing a smoke with her out the back

She confessed that she was using, something called 'ivory'

She explained it was a legal high and she bought it in a shop (called head shops here) just down the street

I was intrigued as I had no experience with legal highs as they were new on the scene

She spoke at length and without being aware of it (or maybe I was) I found out exactly how to obtain this 'ivory'

She also admitted that she had an eating disorder and that the drug kept her weight down

Well that was it for me, I was already getting directions to the shop and making my excuses to leave

I must add this girls life was a mess, she looked like hell, owed a lot of money and was at the meeting to get help

Of course the addict/anorexic in me ignored this and only saw what I wanted to see, a way to stay skinny with the bonus of a buzz

I left with butterflies in my tummy, the way I always feel when I know I'm about to use

I could not get over how easy it was to buy this drug

It was as simple as buying sweets

I inspected the packet and it was advertised as 'bath salts' and 'not fit for human consumption'

This was how it was legal, stating this meant they fell into a loop hole in the law

I rushed home

My family were going out, perfect

I can't snort so I wrapped half the packet in tissue and swallowed  

I waited and waited and as I waited the guilt set in

What the hell was I doing?

I decided nothing was happening and it really was bath salts

I rang an NA friend to confess all

I had got to the point where I was chatting to the girl when I started to feel strange

My voice started to speed up and I felt like I was in fast forward

Shit, I couldn't confess now

I suddenly couldn't stop talking and kept her on the phone for ages

It was only when she hung up mid sentence and I realised I had been on the phone for 2 hours that I realised I was out of my fucking box

It was like cocaine multiplied by 100

My mother had come while I was on the phone

I tried to act normal but I couldn't stop talking, I literally couldn't control my mouth

She knew and I knew she knew but nothing was said

I spent the next 3 hours talking at her, complete shit of course

She escaped to bed

I tried to make tea but I couldn't get it together long enough to complete the action

I spent the night chain smoking and manically walking around my house

I started to worry when I hadn't come down by the next morning and I had nothing to speed (or slow down the process)

That evening still fucked up I confessed to my mother

I couldn't take the manic feeling anymore and retreated to my bed

I curled up  in the foetus position and prayed for the feeling to go away

The next few hours were hell as I slowly came down

I cried with relief when I finally felt normal

I was blown away how strong this 'legal high' was

I have never experienced anything like it

The feeling of not being able to string a thought together but yet not able to stop talking was terrifying

That was the last time I used ( apart from prescription drugs)

I'm kind of grateful that the experience was negative and I didn't want to use it again

It also solidified my opinion that man-made, synthetic substances are worse than natural drugs

A law has now been passed and the head shops have all been shut down

I've heard other horror stories about these drugs

God only knows what they're made of

Have you ever tried legal highs?

What was your experience?

Was it as scary as mine?

Thanks for reading and as always much love x

Are we all addicts?

I watched a documentary last night called 'Are we all addicts?' presented by Cherry Healey on BBC3
She explored different different substances that people seem to get addicted to eg diet pills and slimming aids, legal highs, laughing gas (never heard of that one) and viagra
One girl she interviewed had a cupboard full of pills and potions to help her lose weight and she confessed to trying any diet going.
I could identify with this girl as she was a former dancer and had put on weight after she stopped dancing.
I remember when I  danced people were always saying 'be careful when you stop because your muscles turn to fat'
This was of course not true
The presenter of the show also spoke about her battle with weight and confessed to buying diet pills during the filming of the show.
I've bought diet pills twice and twice they didn't work but I can identify with wanting to believe that maybe this is magical answer to all my weight worries
Even though the diet pills didn't work I still have them in my room and every now and then I think 'maybe they'll work this time' and try them again
No doubt diet pills can be addictive but the feeling is also addictive, the feeling that this is the answer to all my problems
The feeling of starting a diet whether it works or not, the promise of happiness
When my eating disorder started it wasn't about weight, I never weighed myself and had no idea I was ill, I just knew that not eating made me feel better, not eating made me feel amazing
It was only when doctors started weighing me that I became aware of my weight and bmi
I learned what an anorexic was supposed to weigh and because I had been given this label I put pressure on myself to stay below that weight
Of course like a lot of people somewhere along the way I got the message that thin equals happiness and success
I know now that couldn't be further from the truth

I know myself that I can get addicted to something very easily, not just to the usual suspects like drugs and alcohol but to anything that gives me a good feeling
If I discover a food I like (at the moment it's twix bars) I eat it constantly and get anxious if I know there are none in the house so I stock up on them
I remember a few years ago my 'food' was drifter bars
I ate them like they were going out of fashion
And then they did
All of a sudden shops stopped stocking them
I remember one day being with my mother in the car and getting her to  drive me from shop to shop to shop looking for these bars.
I felt no different to when I craved heroin
I just had to have them and only them, no other chocolate bar would do
I remember around this time my boss gave me a birthday present of a bumper box of 48 drifters
You couldn't have given me a better gift
He knew me well
They were my drug
Same shit different substance

Television can be addictive to me
I could easily sit in front of the t.v for a day straight flicking from channel to channel watching endless
programmes
Sometimes I find it really difficult to tear myself away from it and will schedule my day around my favourite shows
I used to watch box sets in bed at night for hour,s I've stopped now as I wasn't getting any sleep
I've watched the whole boxset of The Sopranos back to back 3 times
Same with Mad Men
Same with Grey's Anatomy
Same with .........

The internet
I'm probably not alone with this one
Who hasn't looked up from their computer screen and realised that 4 hours have gone by since you last moved
I know I need to sign off when I'm holding my pee so I think I'm going to burst
I'm not a huge Facebook fan but endless google searches about anything and everything keep me plenty occupied
Hands up if you're addicted to the internet!

Tea
I don't drink coffee but I sure as hell am addicted to tea
I'm up about an hour and a half and  I'm on my third cup of tea
And I have special cups that I drink out of
I'm afraid to count how many I drink a day
I remember in treatment they took my big cup off me and replaced it with a small one
Ididn't see the big deal until they pointed out I was getting up 3 times a night to make tea
They locked the kitchen after that
I think the tea is a comfort thing, a nice warm drink that soothes the soul
That and the caffeine of course

Exercise
Once I start I find it hard to stop
If I don't get 2-3 walks a day I freak out a bit
Having 2 dogs is my excuse and I'm sticking to it

Cigarettes
The worst culprit of all
I hate that I love them
I wish I'd never started
My dad gave them up recently and made it look very easy
And yes I 'm afraid to give them up incase I gain weight

Oh I almost forgot methadone
I've been taking it for so long I forget to count it, 7 years now
I'm weaning off it slowly, it's taking years

On that note I was wondering about you
Are you addicted to anything be it drink, drugs or the weird and the wonderful
I'd love to know

Much love to you x

There's something about Mary

I'm just back from seeing Mary
I was actually looking forward to seeing her as it's been 2 weeks since my last appointment
I was excited to tell her of recent developments
I explained about my findings about the olanzapine and how I had stopped taking it
I told her how my mood had improved greatly and I had renewed energy and zest for life
She expressed concern at stopping it so abruptly and encouraged me to speak to my doctor
I told her I had experienced on withdrawel symptoms but said I would speak to him
It's true though, I have a sudden burst of energy and vigour, I feel alive for the first time in a long time
I'm feeling creative and have an urge to write
I've always loved reading and English at school but my brother is a writer and I thought it was his thing so didn't continue writing after I left school
But now and ever since starting this blog I feel the need to write more an more
So I'm going to
It was strange today, we didn't even mention food until about half way through the session
I told her that the binging and purging has decreased and my obsession with food has lessened somewhat
One of the side effects of olanzapine is hyperphagia (obsessive hunger) and I definitely think I experienced that. I was constantly hungry and was always thinking about what I would eat next
This feeling hasn't gone away but has certainly improved
Pursuing other interests has meant their is less space in my head to think about food
She asked about the shoplifting and I confessed that I hadn't managed to get it under control
She suggested that I tell my mother  so she could support me
Up until now I've been avoiding telling her, I just don't want to disappoint her but Mary reminded me that my mother said at our meeting that nothing could shock her anymore
And I do believe this, she has been surrounded by addicts her whole life, sometimes I wonder how she has stayed sane
I was wondering what you thought, do you think I should tell her?
I'd love to know what you think
Then it was time for the dreaded weigh in
It never gets any easier
I knew my weight already as I checked this morning
No change
To my horror her scale read that I had put on 2 kilo
My heart sank in to my stomach and my mood plummeted
Tears stung my eyes as I stared in disbelief
I couldn't understand it ]
When I told my mother afterwards she said 'that couldn't be right, you look like you've lost weight'
I should have asked Mary to recheck it but I just couldn't think straight
I immediately started plotting my next fast in my head
Mary tried to calm me, tried to reason with me
She said that the number didn't mean anything, it's just a number
It's doesn't change the person I am or the positive changes I've made
It doesn't mean I'm fat or ugly or lazy or worthless
Then why do I feel that way
Through tears I told her I felt my eating disorder was slipping away and that made me sad
She asked me to describe my eating disorder
I compared it to an abuser
It grooms you and seduces you and makes promises that you will be happy if you do what it says
Once it has lured you in it turns on you and shows it's true colours but you still return to the abuser again and again in the hope things will change
Even though it's killing me I am holding on for dear life
I'm not ready to let go yet
We wrapped up the session with writing down my next steps which are to tackle the purging and shoplifting
I like Mary, she has such great insight, not just about eating disorders but about life
I'm glad to have met her

Since I've started writing this blog almost 2 months ago I've met some wonderful people. Writing this blog has definitely helped me a lot. I follow a lot of different blogs and since I've started 2 bloggers have left the blogosphere and another 1 is taking a break from blogging.
The first blogger left to pursue recovery and the second blogger found that their blog was unhealthy and wanted to live life in the real world. I think the blogger who is taking a break is thinking about recovery.
This is bitter sweet for me as I miss these bloggers but I also totally understand their need to pull back. I don't consider myself to be pro-ana but don't judge those who are and often read pro-ana blogs. I can understand how blogging could become unhealthy or even become a trigger.
If someone is choosing recovery I see how they might like to make a clean break and start afresh.
I often find myself retreating into the internet rather than dealing with real life.
I probably have more contact with people on-line than I do with my real friends.
Although I miss these bloggers I am delighted to know that they are choosing recovery and I sincerely hope they find health and happiness.
With that said I wanted to ask you some questions,
Do you consider yourself pro-ana?
Do you consider this blog to be pro-ana?
What does pro-ana mean to you?
I don't consider myself to be pro-ana as I didn't choose this illness and I don't like to encourage or promote unhealthy weight loss
I'm very ambiguous about recovery but I am trying to get well
I want to want recovery if that makes sense
I'd love to know what you think

Anyway I digress
The much anticipated wedding is just over 4 weeks away
I have the strongest urge to lose as much weight as possible but I am trying to fight it
Part of me is looking forward to it but part of me is dreading it
I love Italian food and that's what scares me
What if I lose all control and become an out and out binge monster
Holidays make me anxious because I like to know in advance where and what I'll be eating
On the flip side I love travelling
I love everything about it, the packing, the airport (great place for people watching), new places, new people, the weather, everything (apart from the food)
I love the way you can be whoever you want to be and no one knows your history
You can start afresh every single day
Instead of Ruby the anorectic drug addict, I can be anyone I want
I can be me

Thanks for reading this and as always lots of love to you x

Daddy's girl

I'm still reeling from my findings about the olanzapine
The more I think about it the more I can't believe I've been quietly taking it like a good little anorexic
I feel like I've been duped, had , done
I've not been taking it for 4 days now and the difference is remarkable
I have more energy and I don't feel like I want to sleep all day
My mood has improved and I'm just generally feeling better
I'm now only taking methadone and I'm happy enough with that
I wrote a few posts ago how a lad that had been in hospital with me had hung himself
This guy was super smart and he really gave the doctors a run for their money
He constantly questioned them and stood up for himself
I remember one day we were given a talk about the benefits of medication
He made mince meat of the speaker and shot her down
I remember being so pleased
I don't dispute that some medication is useful some of the time and even as a last resort but the way they out hand pills in country is wrong on so many levels
The 2 sets of people who are treated like Gods in this country are the clergy and doctors
Well maybe not so much the clergy anymore what with all the recent scandals
But doctors yes, people take what they say as gospel and don't dispute it
Psychiatry is not an exact science, far from it

'How's the view up there Ruby?'
Yes, I'm on my high horse
I'll get down before I hurt myself

But this is more than just about the side effects of olanzapine
This is a bit of a revelation for me being a drug addict
I always thought the answers to my problems were in drugs and pills
They were the only way I get out of my head, literally
Realising I don't want or need them is a huge step for me
To actually want to be awake and not asleep or comatose is very new
It's good
It's great even

My dad is down for the day
I haven't seen him in about a month
My dad is a funny one
Our relationship was non existent up until the time I went in to hospital for the first time
I was in regular hospital for 4 weeks and then a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks
Even though he lived an hour and a half away he came to see me everyday
It was the first time we had sat down just me and him and really talked
Some days we didn't talk at all, we just sat, me writing and him reading the paper
He always brought treats, magazines or my favourite chocolate
Even though I was at my sickest I have fond memories of that time
I realised he wasn't just an alcoholic control freak
He was my dad
My older sister and brother don't really have a relationship with him and that makes me sad
He is great to talk to, we have the best conversations about anything and everything
He also loves my dogs just as much as I do
So as the four of us went for a walk this morning I was excited to tell him that I'd stopped taking the olanzapine. He used to be worried that I'd fall asleep driving or set the house on fire
He knew I abused it anyway
So I was wondering about you and your dad
Do you get on with your dad?
Do you want to get on with him if you don't?

Oh and another effect of not taking the olanzapine
I haven't been binging and purging half as much
I'm not planning my binges days in advance
I know it's early days but I just feel so positive about not taking it

Mary just rang
I'm seeing her tomorrow
I wonder what she'll think of all this

Until tomorrow x

2 birds with 1 stone

Usual Monday morning routine for me today
Doctors appointment first thing, chemist to pick up meds and dog walking
The sea was so calm this morning, it's usually a surfers paradise
Normally my doctors appointment is short and sweet punctuated with inane small talk but today I had something important (in my eyes, probably not his) to talk to him about today
I mentioned olanzapine in yesterdays post and following a comment from the lovely Bella, over at Too much, not enough it got me thinking
I've always known that a side effect of olanzapine (zyprexa) is weight gain but the way it was explained to me was that it increases appetite and I can control that so I wasn't too worried
I was put on it when I first went to treatment in 2005, it was prescribed for anxiety
I've been on it since but as you readers know, I abused it and used it as a sleeping pill
So last night I did a little investigating and found loads about olanzapine and weight gain

Metabolic Effects
Recent studies have established that olanzipine disturbs the metabolism by making the body take preferentially it's energy from fat (instead of privileging carbohydrates)

Olanzapine promotes fat accumulation

Olanzapine may cause body weight gain and hyperphagia (obsessive hunger) by altering appetite signalling in the brain

I was outraged to read this and marched straight in to my mother to tell her of my findings
'But your sister told you that ages ago' she said
I have no memory of this, probably because I was stoned out of my head on the bloody thing

I am so annoyed
Annoyed at myself for not researching it properly sooner
And annoyed at my doctors for lying to me
It's ironic that I was put on it to help anxiety but it causes the very thing makes me the most anxious
WEIGHT GAIN

Ay ay ay

So armed with my research I waited in the waiting room rehearsing my angry but clever speech, refusing to take it ever again
To my frustration my usual doctor was on holidays and I was fobbed off with his stand in
'Congratulations on your new job' she said to me
'What job' I asked
'Oh sorry, I thought you were someone else'
This was going well
She wrote out my prescriptions and I took the opportunity to ask her about  the side effects
The phone rings and interrupts me
'You don't look like your gaining weight'
I felt like crying out 'How the bloody hell do you know, maybe I'm actually supposed to be thinner but the bloody olanzapine is storing fat all over my body'
'I wouldn't worry' she says
Easy for her to say
Anyway she didn't have the power to change my meds so I took the prescription while secretly plotting to throw it in the nearest bin

This actually solves 2 of my problems in one fell swoop
No more overtaking my meds and no more unwanted fatty deposits

Thinking back to when I was in treatment everyone and their mother was on olanzapine and I remember referring to it as 'the new valium'
Shrinks think it is nectar from the Gods and it's not addictive (I beg to differ)
I hate the way they hand out pills like they're smarties
When I was in treatment I was on 4 medications, methadone, duloxatine, zimovane and olanzapine
I was a walking pharmacy and the thing is I didn't need any of them (bar methadone)
I think I need to solve my issues not cover over them with meds and more meds

I'd love to know about you, have any of you been on olanzapine or any other medication that had adverse side effects?
I think synthetic, man made drugs are a lot more harmful than natural drugs
That's my experience anyway
Coming off heroin cold turkey takes a week at most, a week of hell yes but it won't kill you
I've come off benzos and it can take months before you feel normal again
Cold turkey from alcohol can kill you
I've been weaning off methadone for the last 2 years and I'm only half way there
It has ruined my teeth and gives me severe constipation
If I don't take it everyday I'll go in to horrific withdrawel. Many say it's worse coming off methadone than it is off heroin
I'd well believe it

Well at least I know now and can make an informed decison

Curiosity got the better of me last night and I weighed myself
I've lost a little
I'll post stats soon

After my shower I noticed my hair coming out in handfuls
I'm also going grey
Not yet 30 and I'm going grey
I'm not surprised  what with the things I put my body through

I've stopped taking the diet pills also, they make me feel too sick and I now don't trust any medication

Are you on any medication?
Does it help you or hinder you?
Id love to know

Thanks for reading this and as always lots of love x

Binging of a different kind

I've been binging for the last 4 days
Not on food but on diet pills
The feeling of not wanting to eat is addictive
I feel wired but to be free of the binging and purging is bliss
I only have about 5 pills left
I'm not buying anymore
I want to know my weight
The suspense is killing me
I'll wait until I see Mary though

The wedding in Italy is 5 short weeks away
No doubt they will fly by
We are staying there for 10 days, 10 days filled with family lunches and family dinners
I should be looking forward to it and I am, kind of
But I'm also very anxious
Someone suggested that I leave my eating disorder at home
I've tried this before but she always manages to turn up uninvited
The funny thing is I love Italian food, it's my favourite food in the whole world
But this worries me as I'm afraid I will lose all control over my eating and I will turn into a crazed binge
monster eating everything that comes my way
It would be easier not to go at all but I'm not giving myself that option, I'm making myself go
I will probably enjoy myself once I'm there, it just thinking about it makes me anxious
I've had a strange relationship with food since I was a child
I loved food, not junk food, I loved dinners like meat, veg and potatoes
I remember my family saying all the time 'Ruby is such a good eater, she has a great appetite'
I hated when they said that, I wanted to be a dainty eater, eating little bits not this greedy child with a healthy appetite
Even as a child I equated skinny as good and fat as bad
As a teenager I remember trying to restrict but I just couldn't do it, I loved food too much
I remember my ballet teacher telling my mother I had got too thin
I was secretly delighted
I remember being in that ballet class and looking at the girl in front of me at the barre
Her arm was so thin and I wanted thin arms too
Age 19 and myself and 3 friends rented an apartment in Dublin
We each had a press in the kitchen for our food
I used to steal their food, pasta, pasta sauce, anything that looked nice
I remember my boyfriend at the time telling me I had got pudgy
The drugs were getting out of hand at this point
I stopped eating when I was using
I didn't eat a thing
In hospital a nurse tells me I'm anorexic
I refuse to believe her, how could I be anorexic, I love food
I remember my sister trying to force feed me
I looked like a skeleton but I just couldn't see it
I sink to an all time low of 35 kilos
I thought I was fat
In drug treatment I put on nearly 3 stone
Everyone was delighted but in reality I had just turned from anorexic to bulimic
Someone makes a comment about my ass being fat and that triggers me to lose all the weight again
Psychiatric hospital admission and inpatient
I'm put on olanzipine and over the next year slowly work my way up to an all time high of 60 kilos
I hated myself
I wanted to unzip my skin and step out of it
A year later someone makes a comment that I've lost weight
This triggers another anorexic episode
I don't know why some people think it's ok to pass comments about weight
I would never make a comment good or bad about someones weight
I remember every comment that's ever been made about my weight
It always triggers some sort of reaction
Present day and I don't know where to go from here
Just last week I was talking about recovery but I feel so far from recovery now
My brain is addled from these stupid pills
I'm always sorry I took them
I never learn
I am the very definition of insanity

Until tomorrow x

Attention seeker

I'm blogging today so you can tell that I didn't go to Dublin
I wanted to go I really did, it's my own fault for taking those pesky diet pills, they left me feeling so sick that I just couldn't travel
I've taken them 3 days in a row including today, I must be a glutton for punishment because they make me feel so sick but they give me a break from the binging and purging and it's so nice to be off that merry-go-round
I hope to go the next time they meet up in a month

Someone commented on my blog yesterday that I write a lot about the past. It's true I do write about the past quite often. I guess it's because I'm trying to make sense of it. Writing about it helps to get it out of my head where it's taking up space.
I write quite a bit about my drug using days as a lot of the time it feels like that all happened to somebody else in another lifetime.
Writing about it is cathartic for me
They also said I should not let the past weigh me down
I do try not to let the past define me but it has definitely shaped the person I am today
Writing about that family yesterday brought up a lot of memories for me
For a lot of the time I was using I lived with my boyfriend and on and off over the years we lived with my boyfriends uncle
His uncle was paralysed from the waist down from a car crash he had been in years before and myself and my boyfriend would stay with him and help him out
He was a horrible man and I never liked him
He was in his forties and was seeing a girl who was only a teenager
I'm pretty sure she was using him for his money, not that he had much but he used to give her some
His uncle used to let us borrow his car and we were stopped by the police one night and my boyfriend was done for possession
He was sent to jail in the days after
Before he went he told me to bring drugs to him when I visited
So me and his uncle went to visit him one day
I had a condom full of heroin in my mouth ready to pass to my boyfriend in a kiss
We drove to the prison and I put his uncles wheelchair together and helped him into it
We waited in the waiting room until it was time to go to the visitors area
This was my first time in a prison and was very nervous seeing as I had a mouthful of drugs
A guard brought us and the other visitors up to the visitors room
I was pushing the wheelchair and we were going down a slope, I lost concentration for a moment and let go of the handles of the wheel chair, his uncle slid out of the wheelchair and on to the ground
Everyone turned around to look at us
Talk about drawing attention to myself
The drugs nearly fell out of my mouth as I said fuuuuuuuck
We had to wait for another guard to come as he lay in a heap on the ground
He wasn't hurt but I was mortified
I had been trying to act all cool and calm but my nerves got the better of me
They eventually got him back in to the chair and we went about our business
I successfully passed the drugs to my boyfriend but I just wanted to get the hell out of there
We were able to laugh about it afterwards but I don't think his uncle ever forgave me

I went for a walk with my mother and my dogs this morning
She commented that she thought I had lost weight in the last couple of weeks and that my clothes were hanging off me
I thought they felt looser too but figured I was imagining it
I was secretly delighted
Maybe I will weigh this weekend and share the number with you
I haven't posted my weight in a long time
I wanted to wait until I was safely back in double digits
Here's hoping

She was also talking about yesterday when my sister and nephew were down in our house
She said she caught an expression on my face at one point when I was looking at my nephew and she didn't know if it was jealousy or resentment
I was surprised by this, yes I admit I have a resentment against my sister but I try to separate my issues with her from my nephew
I'm obviously not doing a very good job of it
My mother said I was acting like they'd outstayed their welcome
But I had been playing table tennis with him for ages and I might have been a bit quiet because I felt sick not because I wanted them to leave
Yes I do find it hard to be around my sister but I'm trying not to let that affect my relationship with my nephew
My sister doesn't allow me to babysit him because I am 'sick' and that hurts me more than I let on
I act like I don't like my sister because I see in her all the things I don't like about myself
It's like looking in a mirror
I realise I need to get over this resentment incase it affects my relationship with my nephew
It pains me to admit it but maybe I am jealous of him
After all I was the baby of the family until he came along
I need to build a bridge and get over it
For everyone's sake

Thanks for reading this and as always lots of love xxx

Oh Persephone Paix, I can't get into your blog can you post a link?

Insanity

As predicted I was sorry I took the diet pills
I always am
I took 3 throughout the day, not because I needed them, because I've always been greedy when it comes to drugs and pills. If the label says take 1, I don't believe it and take 3
Stupid I know
They did what I wanted them to do, stop the binging and purging in it's tracks but the side effects are nasty, nausea, lightheadedness and just generally feeling horrible
By the time my mother came home last night I was pretty wired
I tried not to talk too much as I knew I would start spouting rubbish
I wanted to come down so I asked my mother for one of my anxiety pills which she gave me
I went to bed and by now I was feeling really bad
I lay with the covers over my head praying for the sweet release of sleep
The ridiculous thing is I will forget how bad I felt and take them again
Remember Ruby, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
All I ate was tea and toast yesterday, my appetite is still gone today
I remember getting ephedrine off the internet, the bottle said take 1 3 times a day
I took 12 at once
I thought I was going to die that weekend
I never learn

I was chatting with my mother last night and  I'm not sure how it came up but she asked me about a couple I used to hang around with. She wanted to know if I knew how they were.
This couple I used to hang around with when I was on drugs.
They were an English couple, from Manchester I think
They were heavy heroin users and were a lot older than me but I ended up falling in with them when I started using
At the time I wasn't really aware but thinking back the situation was really messed up
They had 3 small children, all boys, at the time aged about 3, 6 and 9
I used to babysit them and sometimes pick them up from school
My sister was in treatment around this time and I used to bring my nephew, 3 at the time, up to their house and he would play with the children upstairs while I injected heroin with their parents in the kitchen
Their house was in a really rough area and the house itself was a mess and very rundown
The children weren't being cared for properly, they were always dirty and their clothes were ragged
I remember their pale, gaunt faces and that haunts me now
While we shot drugs in the kitchen, if one of kids tried to come in they were roared at to get the fuck out.
They were just kids
They youngest boy was the same age as my nephew but they couldn't have been more different
My nephew was plump, well fed and could speak well
The other boy was so skinny, white as snow and was not yet speaking
Thinking back he was extremely under developed
I was very fond of him and played with him and showed him affection
It was the only time I saw him smile
Social workers weren't involved as far as I know but my mother told me last night that she had reported the family as she felt the children were as risk
I hadn't thought about this family an ages but last night I couldn't get them out of my head
I wondered how the children are now, they would be aged about 10, 13 and 15
It's hard to imagine them that age, I still think of them as babies
I guess what I'm feeling is guilt
Guilt that I put those children at risk, that I contributed to the chaos in their home
Home should have been their safe place, instead it was a drug den
No doubt the parents are still using if they are not dead by now
I hope and pray the children don't follow in their footsteps
I remember the oldests communion
They asked my boyfriend to be his godfather
It was meant to his special day but we all went to Dublin to get drugs
I wonder where they all are now
I also feel guilt for bringing my nephew into that house
I didn't see the harm at the time but anything could have happened
If my sister knew she would kill me
I just hope those kids are ok

I think back to my using days and I wonder how I got through it relatively unscathed
I was one of the lucky ones, I walked away from the place and the people and started fresh in a new town. If I hadn't had that opportunity I might still be using
At the time I thought that life was exciting and dangerous and thrilling, glamorous even
The reality couldn't be further from the truth
From time to time I hear that someone I used to know had overdosed and died
I was definitely one of the lucky ones
There but for the grace of God go I

Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx

Raining cats and dogs

It's pouring from the heavens here this morning.
One of my dogs just flat refused to go beyond the back door.
I was trying to entice her in to my car but she is too clever for me, she just got straight back in to her bed and cuddled up while me and my other dog braved the driving rain.
I don't blame her though, I would have gladly gone back to bed myself this morning.

I'm dying to know what my weight is.
I haven't been weighed since Mary weighed me last week.
I could easily do it right now but I'm so afraid I've gained and I just can't handle that today.
I think I'll wait until Mary comes back next week.
When she told me she was taking a week of so I wouldn't see her for 2 weeks, I thought to myself ooh I wonder how much I can lose in 2 weeks. I have sick fantasies of her saying to me 'Ruby you've lost weight since I saw you last' and her weighing me and being shocked at my weight loss.
I know that is very twisted but that's the way my mind is working today.
I've been on my own in the house for 3 days now so the binging and purging has been out of control.
It's binge city around here.
Population me.
So I've decided to put a stop to it today.
I didn't buy/steal any binge food and there's none in the house (I've eaten it all)
I also popped a diet pill just now.
I only use these pills as a very last resort as they make me feel quite sick but they are one of the only things that stop the binging and purging in it's tracks so I'm willing to put up with a queasy tummy.
This behaviour is all very messed up and I realize that.
I just want a break from bulimia.
She is wearing me down and I can't do it anymore
Anorexia is not much better but it's the lesser of two evils today.

My support group is on this evening.
My mother called yesterday to ask if I was going.
I want to, I really want to but I already know I won't go.
Going means I'm choosing recovery and I don't know if I'm ready.
I want to want recovery if that makes sense but I'm just not there yet.
I suppose if I waited until I was ready I would never go but if I go back to this group I want to be 100% committed and I know I'm not.
Pride is also stopping me, I don't want to have to admit I fucked up again, I don't want to admit that I need help even though I so clearly do.
I was one of the people who set up this particular group and then I abandoned it.
I have huge guilt over this.
Do any of you go to a support group?
By the way the group I'm talking about is Narcotics Anonymous.

Also I'm supposed to be going to Dublin this Saturday to meet up with my treatment friends and stay the night with one of them.
I'm in 2 minds whether to go or not.
I would love to see them and spend time with them but my eating disorder does not want to go.
What will I eat?
What if I need to purge?
How will I handle being away over night what with my binging and everything?
As much as I don't like to admit it, I don't want them to see I've gained weight.
The last time they say me was in hospital when my weight was lower.
It's weird but now I've been given the diagnosis of anorexia I feel I have to live up to this label.
I know my friends don't judge me because of my weight but I judge myself.
I think people often think because you've gained some weight that you must be better but I'm not better, if anything I'm worse.
I can feel the diet pill kicking in now, I feel a bit light headed and speedy, they  are strong.
So I'd love to know what you think, if you were me would you go to Dublin?
And also how do you deal with travelling with your eating disorder?
Someone suggested to me that I leave it at home but how I wish it were that simple
I'm afraid where I go it goes too
This is why I don't venture far from my house, I don't really feel comfortable eating anywhere else so I don't travel too far.
This is another negative of my eating disorder.
Ok I'm going to go before I go off on a drug induced tangent and make absolutely no sense.
I'd love to hear what you think about Dublin.

Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx

Dedicated follower of fashion

First I want to say a BIG thank you to all who commented on my last post.
It makes it that bit easier knowing you girls are behind me. It's easy to feel alone with  this illness and I don't feel so alone now.

This morning was one of those mornings where I just didn't want to get out of bed, I was dreading the day ahead, another day that bulimia would have me in a headlock.
I just wanted to sleep forever.
But I can't, I'm grateful to have 2 lovely doggies who depend on me so I have to get up.
I'm fine once I get up, it's just the thought of getting up I hate.
If I didn't have those dogs I would probably never leave the house
When I can't find a reason to get up, I get up for them
When I want to hide in my house, I get out because I have to walk them and once I get out of the house I feel a lot better.

The Italy trip is just over 5 weeks away, it has really crept up on me.
My eating disorder doesn't want me to go,
My eating disorder is dreading this trip
All my mothers side of the family will be there and there will be lots of lunches and lots of meals out
I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go to all these meals as I find eating out a chore
I get overwhelmed by the choice on the menu and never know what to order, that's if I do order
Then when I'm eating I'm paranoid people are looking at me to see what I've eaten
And when I'm finished eating then comes the urge to purge
Unfortunately being in a restaurant doesn't stop me purging, I've learned to be very quiet but it is a messy business and then sometimes the toilets don't flush well
This happened to me once when I was in London staying with my aunt, we went out for dinner and I purged in the bathroom, the toilet wouldn't flush so I panicked and just covered the sick with tissue
Disgusting
And when I came out of the stall my aunt was there waiting to go in
I don't know if she copped on but she didn't say anything if she did.
Also on that trip I broke the flush on the toilet in their house trying desperately to get rid of the evidence.
It's just that much harder to purge when your away from home
I know what your thinking 'so don't purge at all'
Yes this would be ideal, I'll try and get some control over it before I go
I'll me meeting lots of family on this trip and this brings up a lot of anxiety for me, maybe I'm wrong but I think they judge how well I am by how I look or how much I weigh so if I'm a regular weight they presume I'm fine but as I've said lots of times, I was equally sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs.
I'm somewhere in between at the moment so I presume they will think I'm in recovery although every time they see me I'm a different weight
Also I'm not bringing a partner and everyone else will be there with theirs
I guess what I'm saying is I compare myself to my cousins and other members of my family
They all have degrees, jobs, partners and here I am nearly 30 and I have none of these things
I often have this thought, that I am 30 and have nothing to show for it, just weight loss, weight gain and multiple admissions to hospital and treatment.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself here, it's just a fact

I spoke about feeling anxious about this trip to Mary, she asked me what would make it easier for me and I said if I had some nice clothes to wear  I might feel better about myself so she suggested I but some new clothes. I have my dress for the wedding so that's sorted but I need skirts and dresses and shorts.
After I walked the dogs this morning I went to a cute little shop in town. It's a surf shop but they do lovely little skirts and stuff. I saw a few things I likes and brought them in to the dressing room.
Now I've mentioned before that I don't like shopping or trying on clothes because I hate having to look at my body but I sucked  it up today and went for it.
I brought in 4 items and after I had tried on 2 I couldn't stand it any longer and didn't try on anything else.
I hated what I saw in the mirror, even though the clothes were small all I could see was my vast stomach.
This is where I need you ladies help
What sort of things should I bring to Italy. Bear in mind it will be hot.
I'm 5'4, small frame and my hair is brown now but will be blonde for the trip
You all gave me great suggestions for my dress so I know you'll be able to help me with this
I know a lot of you are dedicated followers of fashion so I would really appreciate your help
I just know I would be a lot more comfortable over there knowing I was wearing nice clothes
All suggestions welcome

I feel huge urges to restrict today but I know that will just lead to a binge
I am sick and tired of binging and purging
I swear I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
Please bulimia fuck off and leave me alone
I can't take much more of the binging and purging
Its doing my head in
I hate the power food has over me and I know my eating disorder wants me dead, no number will ever be low enough.
It's a cruel, cruel illness
I don't understand why anyone would actually want this illness
If they think it is glamorous or romantic, come walk a day in my shoes
What is glamorous about vomit hitting you in the face as it splashes in to the toilet
What is romantic about purging in to a plastic bag because  you can't get to a bathroom
What is nice about chewing and spitting your food out
This illness is so similar to drug addiction, the lying, the plotting, the scheming, the secrets
Same shit, different substance
I want to stop but I can't
I'm caught in the web of anorexia//bulimia and I can't get free
Spend a day with me and then tell me you want an eating disorder

I'd love to hear your suggestions about clothes for Italy,

Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx

Pros and cons

I am quickly finding out that recovery does not just happen, just wanting it is not enough,
I actually have to do something, change behaviours, eat and not purge
I have to be honest and admit that things have not gone quite to plan (not that I made a plan, maybe I should have) Yesterday I took my meds properly and gave half of them to my mother but she is now gone until Thursday and I'm here on my own.
No one would know if I took extra
I'm not seeing Mary this week, she's on holidays
So yes I took extra
Not good
I walked my dogs  in the woods this morning and then went to the shop, I bought some binge food and shoplifted other food.
Not good
This feeling reminds me of when I was on drugs
I wanted to stop but didn't know how
This eating disorder feels like a runaway train and I am powerless to stop it
To get things clearer in my head I'm going to make a list of the things I've lost to my ed and also the pros of my ed and the pro of recovery

Things I've lost to my eating disorder

- First I've lost 11 years of my life to this illness, 11 years that could've been very different
- Friends, I've pushed all my recovery friends away, it's impossible to have a social life with this illness
- Family, it has affected my relationship with family and some including my sister have pulled away
- Health, I have not had a period in years, my potassium is often low, I get tired easily, my bones are affected, I'm sure purging has affected my health too
- Fertility? Having not had a period in years I don't know if I can have children, this scares me
- Mood, I suffer from bouts of depression
- I'm cold all the time
- I get anxiety a lot and don't want to leave the house
- Pride and dignity
- Independence, I move back in with my mother 5 years ago as I wasn't able to manage on my own financially or emotionally
- I've lost the opportunity to go to college, get an education, have a social life, have a boyfriend, get married, to have a job
- Fun. As I wrote recently I miss laughing and can remember the last time I laughed, over a year ago
- Opportunity, having lost out on so much time, I lost the opportunity to travel, to study, to learn, to realise my potential
- I've lost all confidence in myself
- My self esteem is non existent
- My belief in myself has been shaken
- All Hope as almost been lost
- It has affected my mind and my personality


Pros of my eating disorder

- I would like to be able to say I'm thin but of course I don't think I'm thin so that is hard to say
- I get to escape reality
- It's  something I'm good at
- It gives me a goal to work towards
-The euphoria of losing weight
- The feeling of my clothes getting baggier
- Dare I say it, it makes me feel special
- It's my go to coping mechanism
- It defines me
- I feel in control
- It's my comfort zone
- I don't have to deal with life
- I feel numb to emotions


Pros of recovery

- My health will improve greatly
- My mood will improve
- I'll go back to my support group
- I'll have friends again
- My family won't have to worry
- No more inpatient
- No purging
- Engaging in hobbies again like dancing
- My period will hopefully return and hopefully can have children
- The opportunity to go back to college, to study, to travel, to work
- My quality of life will improve
-Maybe able to help others
- My anxiety might lessen
- Hopefully confidence and self esteem will improve
- I'll get to know me
- I'll get to realise my potential
- My personality and rational mind will return


So yes, all these things tell me that recovery is the way to go but my old friends fear, anxiety, guilt and resentment keep me stuck where I am. My belief in myself is a huge one, maybe if I believed in myself a little more I wouldn't feel such overwhelming anxiety about re-engaging with life.
The last job I had was teaching hip-hop to children. I had no experience of hip-hop so I bought dvds and taught myself. I then set up 3 classes and did it for about a year and a half. We did 3 shows in that time.
But after a cruel comment from a parent telling us we were 'shit' I started to lose confidence.
Then I lost complete confidence and started to dread the classes so I tool some time off and still haven't gone
back. That was over a year ago.
I would dearly love to go back but I can't seem to muster up the courage.
Maybe someday.
I'm just terrified that life will chew me up and spit me back out and it is easier to stay where I am rather than take a risk. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I would love to know if any of you have suggestions as to how you started your recovery. I'm sure it's different for everyone but what helped you?
I'd love to know

Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx

Monday morning blues

Usual Monday morning routine today.
Doctors appointment first thing this morning.
As I've said before he doesn't always stick to talking about medical topics. Today he spent about 10 minutes talking about a political show that was shown in this country in the 1980''s.
I have no idea why or what he was talking about.
He didn't ask me about the meds but he did ask me if I'm still purging (or puking as he so delicately puts it)
I told him I was but he didn't say anything. He doesn't seem to be worried.
So why should I?
It is a sad fact of this country that you have to be literally dying of malnutrition to get proper help or at least for them to take notice. My weight is not critically low and my bloods are normal so my doctor seems to have no reason to be concerned.
Sometimes I think I would love him to spend a day with me and see the true nature of my eating disorder.
The morning weigh in that dictates my mood for the day.
Shopping for (stealing) binge food.
Restricting all day until I can't stand it any longer and finally break out and start binging and purging.
Marching endlessly up and down from my kitchen to my bathroom.
Maybe he would take the situation more seriously if he spent just an hour inside my head.
He would experience the neverending obsession over food and weight.
I know he is just a GP and does not have the insight that Mary does but it makes me feel like I'm not really sick when he fobs me off. I guess I'm lucky to have Mary, she knows the score.

It wasn't until I was in the chemist that I realised he had given me a weeks worth of medication when I was only supposed to get 3 days. So know I have the temptation of overtaking them.
I haven't so far but I am in the house on my own until Thursday so I can't give them to anyone.
I'm determined to take them properly though.
One good effect of taking them correctly this week is that my sleep has greatly improved and I think my mood was better too.

I've been toying with the idea of recovery for the last few days but I have to admit I have made no concrete moves, it's just a thought at the moment.
It's not like I don't know what to do, I just keep putting it off
My ex-sponsor used to say to me 'if you don't know what to do, do the opposite of what you think you should do'. This was a simple but effective tool for me. If I think I should skip lunch, eat lunch.
If I think I don't want to go to a meeting, get my ass to a meeting.
As I said before anxiety and fear are stopping me from  going for it.
It really is a leap of faith and I'm trying to muster the courage to take it.
My eating disorder is a full time job with no days off and no holiday. I work for my eating disorder all week ie restricting, purging, exercise and I expect to get a fat pay check at the end of the week ie weight loss.
If I take the eating disorder away I have to fill the void it will leave with other things.
I guess this is how 'normal' people live, they have jobs, courses, relationships, hobbies, friends, holidays,pets.
I suppose I need to find things that interest and excite me as much as my eating disorder.
Even in treatment I have never managed to get the purging under control, it really is a powerful addiction.
The anxiety I feel after eating is overwhelming.
For example yesterday was my sisters birthday and she came to ours for her dinner.
I wanted to be there and ate with them but the second I was finished I  had the compulsion to purge.
I knew they would know if I got up straight away so I tried to wait a few minutes but I couldn't even concentrate on what they were saying and I didn't last 2 minutes. I feel great relief after I purge.
Mary told me that at most we only manage to purge 60% of what we eat but even knowing this does not make me stop.
I binged and purged about 6 times last night and finally collapsed on the couch where I promptly fell asleep exhausted afterwards.

Also the shoplifting is still a problem. I stole bacon today.
I don't know what it will take to make me stop.

I mentioned my sister yesterday and today. She is 5 years older than me and lives just down the road, she has an 11 year old son. She has been in recovery from alcoholism for the last 6 years.
We are not that close and usually communicate through my mother.
She very much does her own thing and doesn't get too involved in family stuff.
I definitely get on better with my other brother and sister.
I've realised recently that I have a huge resentment against her for a couple of reasons.
She doesn't allow me to babysit my nephew and this really hurts me. I asked her a long time ago why and she told me it was because I was sick and she was afraid something would happen.
I can sort of understand that but I'm a lot physically stronger now and could manage a lot better.
I love my nephew and I want to be close with him and not being allowed babysit him,gets me down.
I think another reason I hold a resentment against her is that I see a lot of myself in her, the addictive nature, the anxiety, the self obsession and all these things I hate about myself I see so clearly in her and it's like looking in a mirror and seeing all the negatives about me.
You would think that we'd have a lot in common what with us both being addicts but we struggle to hold a conversation. I hate the fact I can't get over this resentment, I wish I could let it go, it definitely affects my relationship with my nephew.
I was wondering about you, do you harbour resentments against a family member?
How does affect your relationship? I'd love to know

I have huge urges to restrict today.
The wedding is in 6 weeks and it looms heavily over me.
It triggers me massively to want to lose weight.
It makes me think I should put recovery on hold until it's over but that is just an excuse.
I know restricting just sets me up to binge but I still crave the feeling of being empty.
This is where the seduction of the eating disorder tricks.
It is similar to an abuser, it grooms me and seduces me into believing that anorexia is romantic and glamorous and that being thin is the way to happiness and success.
Then like an abuser once it lures me in it turns on me and shows it's true colours but by then it's too late and I am held hostage by this illness.
I don't understand why anyone would want this illness.
There is nothing romantic or glamorous about it.
What is romantic about vomit hitting you in the face as it splashes into the toilet,
What is glamorous about rotten teeth, constipation, grey skin and hair falling out
We don't even get to enjoy being thin as we are never thin enough.
There is nothing beautiful or successful about it.

I hope this post finds you well today,
Thanks for reading this and as always much love to you xxx

Life V Death

First I want to say a massive thank you for all your comments yesterday, they were so positive and encouraging and I'm so happy to know that you are behind me in this.
I don't feel so alone anymore.

The lovely Fiona over at 'Faith and Meouw'  made a really interesting point in her comment.
It's not so much a choice between eating disorder and recovery as it is a decision between life and death.
This really made sense to me.
For the longest time I've had a passive deathwish. Welcoming death but not actively seeking it.
Sometimes when I'm driving I drive so fast that I'm willing myself to crash,
When I overtake my meds I hope that I will slip into a coma,
When I purge 15 times a day I'm hoping my heart will give out.
When I'm walking my dogs up the cliffs I'm hoping a gust of wind will carry me over the edge.
Sometimes I wish I was hurt, like maybe break my leg, then I would have to go into hospital and all the nurses will look after me and I can live in the bubble that is hospital.
It's sounds childish but I want to be minded.
I guess it's wanting to escape from reality and escape from me,
My reality at the moment is restricting all day then binging and purging all night, who wouldn't want to escape from that. And when you don't like yourself very much you just want to unzip your skin and step out of it.

So where do I go from here?
How do I start recovery?
I honestly don't know.
That's a lie of course I know.
It's morning here, I could start with breakfast
Mary is always asking me to plan my meals the day before but I never do it
Eating something would be a good start
Ok I can do that if I really try
Stopping the purging would be great, I need to distract myself after eating so I don't feel enormous anxiety
Ok I can try that too, it'll be hard but I'll try
It's my sisters birthday today so she is coming down for her dinner, I'm anxious about this but I will eat with them and just see how I get on. (Remember the bubble bath I stole? I'll be giving her that as a gift, how ashamed do I feel?)
My relationship with this sister is strained but I write about that another time
All I can do is try today

Another thing I can do is go back to my support group. It's on Thursday.
I plan to ring a friends and go together so I can't back out like I usually do
I'm going to find this hugely anxiety provoking but like with a lot of things with me it's the thought of doing something that creates anxiety not the actual thing itself.

I had a phonecall from a girl I was in treatment with yesterday.
She is planning to go to Dublin next Saturday to meet up with the others.
She invited me to travel with her and spend the night at her place.
She has asked before but I never took her up on her offer.
I would love to do this as I got on with this girl very well, the only thing stopping me going is my eating disorder. My ed hates me being away from my house, it is comfortable there.
I told her I would ring her during the week for definite but I think I'm going to go.
I went through treatment with these people, they know me so well.
They know I purge, they know I'm addicted to twix bars, they know my drug history.
This girl I'm staying with also has an eating disorder but she purges through exercise.
I would say she is addicted to exercise.
I'd love to know what you think? Would you go if you were me?

I was thinking about my cousin who is getting married, we were saying she'll probably get pregnant pretty soon. This got me thinking about myself. I lost my twenties to addiction and eating disorders, do I really want to lose my thirties too? I'm of the age where people I know are getting married and having kids.
Do I want that? I'm not sure but I definitely want love, definitely want to fall in love.
I want the chance to be able to do these things
I don't want to lose anything else to this illness, I've lost enough
In a lot of ways I still feel 20 because I haven't gone through the things people usually go through in their twenties but in other ways I feel way more than 29, I feel I've lived a thousand lives
What about you, what have you lost to your eating disorder?
Are you willing to risk losing more?

I don't think I want to die today, apart from anything else it would break my families heart
That is enough to keep me from dying today

On a positive note, I've taken my meds properly the last few days, the system with my mother giving them to me seems to be working.

Thanks for reading this and as always lots of love to you xxx

To recover or not to recover

That is the question

I'm sill feeling hopeful today
.
Yesterdays meeting went better than I thought.
I didn't realise how much my eating disorder was affecting my mother.
I didn't realise she was doing her best to detach and look after herself.
She has been around her fair share of addicts, my father, my fathers family, my sisters and now me.
She used to be an enabler but now she knows that doesn't work
She spoke yesterday of how she is not getting any younger and won't be around forever and she worries what will happen when she is gone.
I don't like thinking about this, my worst fear since I've been a child is that my mother will die but she will die one day and what will I do then.
I live in her house, she supports me in lots of different ways, ways I can't support myself.
I need to be able to look after myself, to be independent. I can't rely on her forever.
So what do I do?

Feeling hopeful does not mean my eating disorder has gone away. I binged and purged multiple times yesterday but it does make me think recovery might be an option, it makes me think that maybe I should go back to my support group. All the signs all telling me to go back, the universe is screaming at me that it is the right thing to do. My old recovery friend contacted me, my treatment friends contacted me.
I was out for a short time yesterday and I ran into 3 people I used to know, 2 I used to work with and 1 from the support group I used to go. All people from my old life when I was happier.
I don't know if they are signs but I took them as signs. I usually never meet anyone when I'm out.
So what's stopping me from going back to recovery?
Step up my 2 old sparring partners fear and anxiety
I would truly love to go back to my support group, I helped set up that group and them I left them.
But I have been in and out of recovery so many times that I don't want to go back unless I am sure I am going to give it a really good go, this is where anxiety comes in. I'm anxious of what everyone will think of me having fucked up again. I know they will probably be happy to see me but the anxiety is still there.
I think of myself as socially handicapped, I feel awkward a lot of the time around people.
My mother told me yesterday that I'm good around people and you would never know I was anxious but I don't feel that way.
Then there is my old buddy fear.
I have a huge fear of life without my eating disorder.
How will I cope with real life after being in addiction for over 10 years?
I fear everything that comes with real life, relationships, college, jobs etc
I fear that I will fail miserably at life.
I guess that means I don't have much belief in myself.
My eating disorder gives me purpose, it gives me a goal, it is something, maybe the only thing I am goo at.
Dare I say it, it makes me feel special.
Take it away and what is left?
Just an average girl.

I suppose I could do what I did with the drugs.
Try recovery for 6 months and if it doesn't work out I can always go back.
This worked for me with the drugs because I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I guess it's the same now.
I wish I had more courage, that I could just go for it bur the eating disorder is so seductive.
She makes it seem like having an ed is romantic and glamorous.
But what is romantic about having rotten teeth, no period, lanugo
What is romantic about cleaning up vomit stains from the bathroom floor
What is glamorous about purging 10 times a day
What is glamorous about nearly passing out when you stand up
The idea of an ed can seem attractive but  the reality is in stark contrast
I am being held hostage by this ed but only I have the power to run away
I have lost the last 10 years to this illness, do I really want to lose another 10?
No thank you very much

So what does this all mean?
I guess it means I 'm in the pre-contemplative stage of making a decision about recovery

I was wondering about you
What is stopping you from choosing recovery?
Why are you holding on to your eating disorder?
I'd love to hear you r thoughts

Thanks for reading this and as always much love to you xxx

Hopefully maybe

I had my meeting with Mary and and my mother first thing this morning.
The anxiety had been building inside me all week.
Butterflies were doing cartwheels in my stomach.
The session actually started before we got to Mary as my mother and I chatted this morning.
My mother told me that she knew I had abused my meds this week and she knew how much I was binging and purging. It's so strange because I actually manage to convince myself that she knew nothing. That my web of lies was working. I guess that is the power denial, you believe your own lies.
She told me she knew how anxious I was about the wedding, I thought I had put up a good front pretending to be excited.
I explained to her the pressure I felt under to look well and be well. How I thought people judged how well I was by how much I weighed when the that couldn't be further from the truth

Then it was time to go.
I introduced my mother to Mary and then went in for a chat with her first.
I told her about the meds, I told her the binging and purging was out of control.
She listened and then spoke to my mother on her own, I sat in the waiting room trying to read their minds while reading about how to combat stress.
Then she called me in. First we talked about the meds and how to get on top of it.
My mother expressed great worry and her fear that I would burn the house down.
I suppose somewhere in the back of my head I knew this but  actually hearing her say it out loud was different. I explained how I use the meds to get a break from the eating disorder.
We eventually came to an  agreement that I would hand over my meds to my mother and she would dole them out to me. Yes this takes responsibility away from  me but I can't trust myself to take them properly just now and eventually handing back responsibility to me.
I think this will work.

Mary then spoke about my mother as a carer. She showed us a document that the Maudsley hospital had drawn up comparing different types of carers to animals like the ostrich, the rhinoscerous etc
We identified that my mother is a mixture of the dolphin and the st Bernard. Calm, confident and supportive.
I guess I am lucky she is that way, I suppose she has learned the hard way how to help an addict.

The great thing about Mary is that she really focuses on the positive and I really need that.
She asked my mother about the dancing and what she thought about it.
She became very emotional and said some truly lovely things.
She said it was a joy to be around me during that time, that I was focused and motivated and it was clear I was really enjoying myself. She said the night of the show was amazing and it was so emotional to see me dancing as I hadn't done it in so long.
As I listened I couldn't hold back the tears. She also acknowledged that the fact I started something and saw it through to the end was the real achievement.
It was  so nice to hear those things, that I had done something right.
She and Mary also emphasized how I had overcome drug addiction and if I could do that then I could do this. The meeting ended on a positive note and I was relieved it was over.

I am so glad I did this. I came away feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time thinking 'maybe I can do this.
My whole life people have told me I have great potential, my teachers, my doctors, my therapists.
But it meant nothing to me.
All it meant that I could do something, maybe, possibly.
It was no guarantee.
I thought they were just saying it to be nice and I 've never had that belief in myself.
I thought I had gotten away from drugs because I was just sick of the whole thing.
But I walked away from my entire life to start again in a new place where I know no one.
Maybe I do have strength I'm not even aware of.
I've never managed to overcome my eating disorder but have I really tried? Have I really wanted to?
I've been misreable for so long that I've forgotten how great it is to feel happiness.
I can remember the last time I really laughed and it was over a year ago.
I miss that.
I miss laughing so hard you think you'll burst.
I miss hanging out with friends.
I miss dancing.
I miss having a life.

I feel motivated to take my meds properly.
I'm going to the chemist now and I will hand them over to my mother.
If only for her peace of mind. She deserves that much.

I'm feeling hopeful,

Possibly maybe.............

Lather, rinse, repeat........

Apart from anorexia the question I get asked the most is 'how did you end up a drug addict?' and I was asked this just recently. I suppose I was not a likely candidate, I was an 18 year old girl from a good (ish) family, I had just finished school and had the world at my feet.
Instead of going to college or going travelling I ended up on heroin.
I find this question difficult to answer as there is no one reason. I think sometimes people presume I had a traumatic event in my life and that's the reason. I think the answer is a combination of genetics, environment, circumstances and bad luck.
My father was a heavy drinker when I was growing up, this completely turned me off drink because I had seen the effects at home. There is a lot of addiction on my fathers side so I probably was predisposed to becoming addicted.

Another reason I think, happened when I was about 10.
We got word from England that my fathers brother had died. I'll call him T. We were all told that he had died from a brail haemorrhage but I soon started hearing rumours from my cousins that this was not true and he had in fact died from a drug overdose and was found on the street.
You would think this would have turned me off drugs but instead it created an air of mystery around them
Years later when I started going to pubs and clubs at age15/16 whenever anyone heard my surname they would ask me if I was related to T. When I said I was they would always say what a great guy T was and relay stories about him. They were always the same, T was a great guy but he was mad in the head.
I built up a picture of T in my head, he was this popular guy who everybody loved, unpredictable and troubled but everyone accepted him. At this age I was also desperate to belong and to be accepted
and I started to think maybe if I took  drugs and was wild and crazy, maybe then I would be part of something. I found out from my mother years later that he was indeed very troubled and there was nothing glamorous about his life. He caused so much trouble at home and in the town that in the end my father gave him money and  bus ticket and told him to leave town. Maybe if I had all this information at the time I might have looked at him him differently but at that time in my mind he was a rockstar.

For the next couple of years I dabbled with different drugs but it wasn't until I met my then boyfriend that I was introduced to heroin. I smoked it the first time and the second time I injected it, going on to inject in my neck because the veins in my arms had collapsed.
At first this new world was exciting and we only did the drug at weekends so I could hold down a job.
Then the weekends spilled into the week, I started stealing from my job and I soon found out that this was no glamorous world, it was a nightmare. But once you're in this world it's so hard to get out, like trying to find your way out of a maze. I know some of my family blamed my boyfriend but it was not his fault, he just happened to be the one that gave it to me first. I would have come across it eventually.
I am a person who has to find out the hard way, you can tell me until you're blue in the face not to do something but I have to go and find out for myself.
The next few years were a neverending merry-go-round of drugs, methadone, treatment, lather, rinse, repeat, doing unspeakable things for money. I firmly believe I would not have got through it alive had it not been for my mother. She never gave up trying to help me, for a petite lady she has endless strength and energy. I am eternally grateful to her for that.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones, I got out alive and relatively unscathed. I moved away from the drugs, the people and triggers. I got the chance to start my life over. Yes I've had an eating disorder to deal with and I can't deny that I abuse my meds but things are a lot better than they were.
I am no angel and never was, I make mistakes every single day but I do try and learn from them.
People also always say to me that if I can beat drugs I can beat the ed. I'm not so sure.
This ed is so sneaky and cunning that it makes me believe I don't have it at all. I haven't given up hope but it wears me down a little bit more every day. As I write this I am planning my next binge. I have a fridge full of food and an empty house. My ed's idea of heaven.

Writing this has kind of helped me understand my drug taking a little better,
Thanks for reading this and much love to you xxx

Honesty is the best policy?

I got up early to walk my dogs as I was seeing Mary at 10am
I was so tempted to cancel to avoid the dreaded weigh in but that would just be prolonging the inevitable
She hasn't weighed me in 2 weeks and what with all the binging and purging I've been doing I expected it to be up a couple of kilos

But I went anyway
The first question she always asks is 'how have you been?'
I tell her about my week and how I went to see my doctor and am now going into the chemist twice a week to pick up my meds. I lied and told her I had taken them properly this week.
I don't know why but I just couldn't face telling her I had fucked up again. I hate seeing the look on peoples face when they're disappointed. I wanted to tell her, I really did, I just couldn't find the words.
So I back to square 1 with the meds
Back keeping secrets again
At this point she suggests doing the weigh in. I tell her that I'm not going to look.
I'm dying to know but I know I'll be crushed when I see the number go up
Then I show her my food diary. I hate revealing what I eat and how many times I've purged, yet another thing I want to keep secret. She identifies that I'm leaving too long between eating and this may be why I binge and then purge. She points out that eating little and often would help this. I agree and say I will try but all the while she's speaking I am planning my next binge in my head.
She asks about the shoplifting. I am honest and tell I have a few times.
We come up with ways to stop this like bringing someone with me and not bringing  a bag.
Then she asks me if I'd like to know my weight as it would give an indication to how the b/p is affecting my weight. When she says this I immediately think 'oh fuck, it must be up loads'
In the end it was up 0.3kg from 2 weeks ago
Relief floods through my body, that I can handle
It just goes to show that I can't trust how I feel or even the mirror. I was sure I had gained more.
To enforce her point Mary does a little experiment.
She gets 2 chairs and puts them back to back. She asks me to move them apart so I could walk through them easily. I move them to where I think I could fit through. She asks me to walk through and there is space either side of me. She tells me to move the chairs in to where I am. There is a significant difference.
I'd recommend this experiment if you are trying to get a real picture of your size.
It simple but effective
She then asks me about bringing my mother in to the next session. I'm nervous about this but I know it would help my mother so I agree, the appointment is on Friday and then Mary is on holidays for a week.
She finishes the session in the usual way by asking  me to write down my next steps which are
 - address purging
- address shoplifting
- sort out clothes for Italy
- make daily meal plans

I left the session and could feel a binge coming on.
I drove to the nearest supermarket and stocked up on binge food and shoplifted dog treats.
I know  it makes no sense, you would think I would be all motivated after my session,
Apparently not
So here I am with the day stretching out in front of me with a press full of binge food
I feel guilty for not being honest about my meds and my eating disorder will get great mileage out of that

I was wondering about you, how do you handle binging and purging?
How do you manage to break the neverending cycle?
I guess Mary answered that question for me today, eating regularly. I suppose I'm looking for a quick fix and there probably isn't one
Anyway we''ll see how today goes,

Thanks for reading this and as always much love to you xxx

The joys of inpatient

The new system for taking my  meds correctly isn't working.
I took double methadone and double zyprexa yesterday and have just popped 2 zyprexa today
I spent a lot of yesterday sleeping and therefore not eating and also wasn't up in the night binging and purging
Now do you see why I take them?
I'm seeing Mary tomorrow, will I tell her?
Probably not
These pills are the only escape I get from my eating disorder, the only thing that calms my racing mind
I know, maybe if I took them properly that would help
I know I should, I'm only hurting myself
Like a true addict, I look forward to taking them, I'm in great form the day I collect them
I remember in treatment someone called me 'a dustbin junkie' because I would take anything
Sadly they were right
This behaviour is keeping me stuck
Everyday is the same, lather rinse, repeat.......

Anyway I'm not in as bad form as you would think. Having spoken to old treatment friends at the weekend I've been thinking a lot about treatment. Would I be willing to go back? There are only 3 inpatient facilities in this country and I've been to 2 of them. The first time was a disaster, when it came out that I was a drug addict they refused to treat me and I left after only 3 days. The next place was much better, I've been there 3 times but never finished the programme successfully because they discharge you if you don't continue to gain weight.
There is one thing stopping me from going back to treatment and I touched on it in a couple of other posts.
It was my second time in this programme and I was on bedrest. We were weighed 3 times a week and if you fail to gain weight twice in a row you are put on bedrest. This is as it sounds, in your pyjamas, in your bed all day. You are only allowed to leave for groups. So I was on bedrest but I was not very good at staying in bed and would be up every hour for a smoke. This particular day my mother had been to visit and the nurses had not come near me all day, not to check on me or say hello to my mother. She thought this was a bit strange but thought nothing more of it. My mother then left and I was getting cabin feverish because it was a Saturday and we had no groups and I had been in bed all day.
I went out to the little kitchen to make myself a cup of tea when I was cornered by one of the nurses.
She gave out to me and told me in no uncertain terms that I was breaking rules. Her tone was very unkind and I could feel  tears stinging my eyes. I walked away without saying a word and went for a smoke.
On my way back to my room I stopped at the nurses station, 2 nurses had their backs to me and hadn't seen me. I heard one say to the other 'I think I'm after upsetting Ruby, she's crying'. The other nurse turned to her and said in a very sarcastic voice 'Oh my God, you are such a bitch' as if to say big fucking deal.
At this point they turned around and saw me. Her face said it all, she knew she'd messed up.
I ran to my room and started to cry. The nurse followed me and said 'Ruby I wasn't calling you a bitch'
I said 'I know what I heard, you were taking the piss' She asked me if she could speak to me in the office so I followed her in. In fairness to her she could see how upset I was and was apologetic.
I was still upset and crying and I rang my mother who was on a train home. She immediately rang the nurse manager who said the nurse had done nothing wrong. The whole thing just escalated and I was so upset and ended up self harming that night. I still don't know if I over reacted or not but I couldn't help the way I reacted. What do you think, was she in the wrong?
In the days after things were tense. The nurse that ran our programme backed me and said the nurse was definitely in the wrong but other nurses were on her side and I don't know if I was imagining it but they seemed to treat me differently after that. In the end I  wanted to get out of there and orchestrated my discharge. I must stress that this incident was a one off and only involved a couple of nurses, most of the others were very kind. I've always played down how much this affected me but the truth is I was so hurt.
They were supposed to be helping me get well and instead they were taking the piss put of me.
I'd love to know what you think, were they in the wrong? Did I over react? Tell me honestly.

So this is one of the reasons stopping me going back to treatment, it's not the only one mind
I'd love to know what you think.

Thanks for reading this and as always much love to you xxx

Reality bites

Bulimia didn't listen to me yesterday but then she never listens.
She appeared at regular intervals through out the day and night.
It stops today.
I have no binge food in the house so hopefully bulimia will give up and take the day off.
I have strong urges to restrict. This wedding looms heavily over me and the pressure to look good consumes me. The pressure comes from me, nobody else. People just want me to be healthy.
I wish I wanted me to be healthy.
Also meeting my treatment friends in weeks is on my mind.
I've been given the label of anorexic and I feel pressure to live up to that label if that makes sense.
I just don't know who I am without anorexia. I don't know what would be left if it was taken away.
Me I guess.
Or a big eating disordered shaped hole.
I'm afraid to find  out.

I saw my doctor first thing this morning. I was dreading this appointment as Mary had told him about my abusing my meds. I sat nervously in the waiting room waiting for my name to be called anticipating the lecture that would follow. Eventually my name was called and I reluctantly followed him  into the treatment room.
He said nothing and just gave me look as if to say 'Ruby, Ruby, Ruby'.
He then pulled out a drug test and sent me to the bathroom. He hasn't tested me in the longest time but I understood why he did today. I returned to the room and even though I knew the test would be clean I still get anxious waiting for the result. I have to be honest here and say that I only admitted to abusing my anxiety meds and not the methadone even though I was. He was actually nice and gentle with me and asked me why I was doing this. I explained that the eating disorder was really getting me down and I was using it as an escape and to get a break from all the food related shit. He was understanding and said that because I was engaging in therapy, it was bringing a lot of issues to the surface so it made sense I wanted to escape. I hadn't thought of it like this and appreciated his insight. He is a big softie really.
I had been getting one weeks supply of meds at a time and he changed this to getting 3 days at a time.
This does and doesn't help. It will help me to spread out my meds but I still have 3 days supply and that is tempting to take them all at once. But where will that get me. It's so easy to slip into denial.
I can trick myself into thinking that because they're prescribed it's ok and I'm not using but that's denial talking. It is using. If I'm abusing them and using them to escape and it's affecting my life in a negative way, then it's definitely using. They are still drugs, prescribed or not.
I took them properly today and am determined to get this under control. I know it will lead me back to illegal drugs and that's the last thing I want. I never want to go back to that hell.
So I guess this a positive result even though it doesn't feel that way just yet. I am trying to build up the courage to go back to my support group. I just know it will help me so much but I keep putting it off.
It's hard to walk in there and admit that I fucked up. I suppose it's a pride thing.
People often ask me which is harder, dealing with a drug addiction or an eating disorder.
I think they are both equally hard but different. I was able to completely walk away from my drug life.
Away from the town, the drugs, the people and the lifestyle. I started fresh in a new town where nobody knew me. With food it's different. I can't cut food out of my life, I have to learn to deal with it in a healthy way. I find though that the behaviours are quite similar, the addiction, the denial and the lying.
Same shit different substance.

So I start this week afresh, attempting to get my addictions under control.
I'm blessed to have a supportive family, an understanding doctor and a great therapist.
Maybe with their help I can do this.
There is talk of spending christmas with my sister in Australia this year. I could spend 3 months there.
That is a huge motivation and gives me something to look forward to. It's such a great opportunity.
Here's hoping.

I'm also blessed to have met some amazing people through this blog and I appreciate every reader and comment. Thank you to you for being there and listening to my daily rants.
Gosh this post is getting very emotional so I'm going to go before we all start crying.

Much love xxx

Bulimia, are you listening?

I am so very tired this morning.
I didn't sleep last night due to being up in the night multiple times binging and purging.
It's getting worse and it's getting me down.
I don't know how to stop.
Bulimia, are you listening?
Fuck. Off. Away. From. Me
I can't take it today, take the day off, I'm giving you the day off and take ana with you..
I just want one day eating disorder free.
One day not obsessing over food and weight and numbers
You can come back tomorrow, just leave me alone today
Did you hear that?
Good

So anyway, I went in to town yesterday. On the way in we stopped at a cute little craft shop to buy my sister a birthday gift. My mother bought her a beautiful bag and matching scarf.
I'm ashamed to admit I stole a bottle of bubble bath.
I stole her birthday gift. Very classy Ruby.
I thought I had stopped this shit. Apparently not.
I can't think about it now though, it will drive me crazy.
We then went to Monsoon where I found the yellow dress I had tried on before.
I tried on the smallest size, a size 8 but it was too big and just didn't look right.
I was disappointed but the sales girl suggested another dress in the same colour. It was still a bit big but the style suited me a lot better and she pinned it for me so I can get it altered.
So yay, I got a dress and am delighted with it. I'll post pics soon.
And in case anyone is wondering, yes I paid for the dress, I'm not that bad!

When I got home I got a phone call from a lad I was in hospital with. I hadn't heard from him in ages, he was my gay bestfriend in hospital. He informed me that a few of them are getting together on the 23rd at his apartment in Dublin. They meet up about once a month to see how everyone's doing.
It's not just people with eating disorders, it's also people with anxiety, depression, bipolar.
So I think I'm gonna go. It would be good for me I think.
I'm a little nervous to go to Dublin as that's where I used to use but he said he would meet me at the train station and I'd be with someone all the time.
He also told me that another lad who had been in with us had killed himself.
I was crushed to hear this. This lad was so sweet and he was one of the smartest people I have ever met.
I know he was in a lot of pain and I guess it just got too much for him.
I hope he is at peace now.
So yea, I think I'll go and meet them.
As I said before I have a bond with these people that will never be broken. They saw me at my very worst and helped me to recover. I have so much love and time for these people
I remember one time in particular, I overheard 2 nurses taking the piss out of me (I'll write about that some other time) I was so hurt and these people rallied around me and really got me through. We helped each other through all kinds of situations and still managed to have a laugh along the way
So that's decided then. I'm going.

I hadn't eaten anything all day by this stage but evenings are my worst binge/purge time.
I broke at about 7pm and drove to the shop to buy/steal binge food
You can guess how the rest of the evening panned out.

It's a beautiful day here today so even though I'm hungover from binging and purging I'm gonna go do the cat cliff walk at the beach nearby. My 2 dogs don't care that I'm hungover, they want to go walkies.

So I hope everyone's doing ok,
Thanks for reading this and much love to you xxx