Monday mornings means doctor day for me, every Monday at 9 on the dot I see my doctor who I'll call Dr Dark, I've been seeing him every Monday for the last seven years, mainly because I'm on a methadone programme. Yes that's right, as well as anorexia I'm also recovering from heroin addiction. I guess when they were handing out problems I was near the top of the queue. So basically it's a urine test, a quick chat and he sends me on my way with my methadone, anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. This morning he asks how my eating is, I always downplay how bad it is. I don't tell him that I have a passive deathwish, that I purge up to ten times a day, that the number on the scale dictates my mood for the day, that I'm dying inside. He's a nice guy but knows fuck all about eating disorders. If I told him what goes on inside my head he'd probably have me commited to the nearest mental hospital.
Anyway, I'm not too good at taking my meds properly, I like Mondays because I have a weeks supply so I take a double dose of methadone and a double dose of anti anxiety meds (zypexa). Sweet sleep here I come. I do it because I need a break from the monsters in my head and to get away from my eating disorder.
I weighed this morning and the scale reads 103lbs (I'm 5'4). Not great but not unbearable. I look in the mirror and eyeballing it Iwould say I'm 140lbs. It's so confusing, logically I know I'm not overweight but I feel it, God do I feel it!
So I'm going to go enjoy drug induced sleep. I don't know if anyone will read this but it helps to write.
Sunday, 29 April 2012
I'm new to the blogoshpere but have been reading blogs for ages, finally got the courage to start writing my own. I'm anorexic but not pro ana, this blog will chronicle my highs and lows (no pun intended) dealing with this mental illness. Intro over, welcome to my world.............