My name is Ruby and I live in Ireland.
I grew up the youngest of 4 and we lived in a small town. At the age of 18 I became addicted to heroin and spent the next 5 years on the merry-go-round that is addiction.
All this time my eating disorder was developing silently along side my addiction but I had no idea.
The first time I was told I had an eating disorder was when I was in hospital doing a drug detox.
A not very sensitive nurse told me very bluntly that I had anorexia. I refused to believe even though I wasn't eating, was hiding food and purging. After the detox I was supposed to go on to drug treatment but they wouldn't accept me as I wasn't physically strong enough.
Those years of drug addiction are a blur, every day was the same, wake up, shoot up, get more money, do more drugs. Needless to say I did unspeakable things for money for drugs.
I finally got clean from drugs about 2 years ago and am now on a methadone programme.
But my eating disorder has got a lot worse since then. My first hospital admission I was at my lowest weight at 77lbs. I still thought I was fat. Over the years I've been in 2 different treatment centres a total of 4 times.
I never finished successfully as they discharged me for not continuing to gain weight.
My anorexia then morphed into bulimia, on a bad day I purged 10-15 times.
I abused my medication to get a break from the maddness
I have also shoplifted binge food, this is another shameful part of my illness.
At the moment I'm engaging in therapy twice a week as well as seeing my doctor every week.
I'm in limbo, not in recovery but not at my lowest weight either. My weight is no reflection of how sick I am,
I was equally sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs.
Recently I had a relapse back in to anorexia
I over exercised and restricted every day
Even though I know how this story ends, I couldn't seem to stop myself
I felt completely overwhelmed and so very afraid of where this was going to end
I feared for my sanity, my health and my future
My world had shrunk to just me and my eating disorder. I used to go to Narcotics Anonymous but I have pulled away from it and pushed all my friends away. I'm trying so very hard to muster the courage to go back someday. I have no doubt my illness wants me dead but death doesn't scare me, life scares me more.
I'm writing this blog to reach out to others who are going through the same thing, I need to know that I'm not alone.
I do have hope though
I never give up hope
I have come through drug and alcohol addiction and maybe, just maybe I can come through this too
I've lost 14 years to this illness and I am going to try my best not to lose another 14
Writing helps me enormously and I hope it may help someone else
I am a girl who is lost but I hope someday to find my was
Edit: I am now in recovery after 14 years of living this half life. I have regained weight to almost a healthy weight and my mood has improved massively. I'm working hard to take my life back. I don't want to live with this anymore. I don't want to become another statistic. I want to recover. I want to live.
If you are reading this I want you to know that there is hope.
There is always hope.
I was as low as a person could go
I experienced rock bottom after rock bottom
I truly believed that I was a lost cause
That there was no hope for me
Just when I thought that I couldn't take any more
Things began to turn around for me
I gained some weight
A new medication helped my mood
I began to see friends again
I returned to my support groups
I began to live life outside of anorexia's rules
I can't lie
It's not easy
I struggle every single day
And I haven't conquered bulimia fully yet
But I am the best that have been in a long time
I laugh now
I hadn't laughed in years
So please believe me when I say that you can get there too
I think I will be ok
And you will be too
If you would like to contact me for any reason my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
Thanks for reading this x