Wednesday, 23 November 2016

Time off

As I type this 
I am sitting in the bus station
Waiting for the bus home 
I went in to school this morning 
Just to give the bridal back that I was practising on 
I've decided to take a few days off
As I  am starting to struggle
Anxiety is getting the better of me 
And I'm struggling to get out the door n the morning 
I guess I haven't been looking after myself too well
I haven't been eating properly 
Or taking my meds correctly 
And I'm generally feeling run down and tired
Of course I turned to the one place I know I can go to write and get some much needed advice 
I feel like I have neglected this blog
And you my friends 
I'm sorry for that 
I've just been so busy trying to get through the week 
That at the end of the day I have zero energy left 
I have been using Facebook recently 
It's been fallout of the month 
And I've been very open there 
Maybe too open 
So I'm going to give it a rest for a while 
And just concentrate on getting well
I really don't want to give up my course 
But at the same time 
I need to take care of myself and my mental health 
So I missed yesterday 
And this morning was pretty horrible trying psych myself up to go in
I drive myself in to the bus 
And waited at the bus stop
I was having a fight with myself whether to go in or not 
But I had the bridal to return 
So I got on the bus 
I walked over to school 
And met my class mates 
They were lovely 
And gave me big hugs 
I then spoke to my tutor 
And she said it was fine to take some time off 
She also said she would make an appointment with the school counsellor for me 
I also contacted Mary 
And have an appointment with her next week 
I will also see my doctor 
And my psychiatrist 
I really want to build myself up over the next few days 
And get my strength back 
So I can be fighting fit when I return next week
I just need some me time 
I threw myself in to this course at full speed 
Now it's starting to catch up on me
And I am flagging 

So 
Over the next few days 
I'm going to rest 
Relax 
Recouperate 
Lots of Honey and Lea time 
I also have some work to do at home so I will try to keep up with everyone else 
Of course now I am wondering if I did the right thing taking time off 
And I feel like did I do the right thing?
But I have to trust my gut 
And go with that 
I'm just a bit worried about falling behind  
And missing out 
But look
I have made the decision now 
So I just have to go with it
And trust that I know me best 
And know when I need to slow down 
And cool the jets
I'm also hoping to catch up on you blogs 
And get up to date with what's happening with y'all 
And as for me?
I guess I need to sort a few things out 
Especially how open I am about my issues
As after writing about them on FB
I felt really exposed and vulnerable 
I asked people what they thought about writing such things on such an open forum 
I got a mixed response 
Some said it was a brave thing to do 
Some said it could put me in a very vulnerable position
I am undecided 
But I will give it a rest for a few days
Just to breathe 
And to sort my head out 
That's me 
I'm not perfect 
I never professed to be 
I am flawed 
I have a mind that works faster than I can process the information
I have a wild imagination
Some might call that paranoia 
I've been known to read too much in to things 
And over think until my brain hurts

Edit: I am now back home 
I've been here an hour 
And already I'm bored silly
Now I'm regretting saying I'll take some time off 
And am thinking about going in to tomorrow and Friday 
And taking Monday and Tuesday of for appointments
If I seem a bit all over the place 
It's because I am
I'm restless 
Uneasy 
Anxious 
Where ever I am 
I want to be somewhere else 
I don't know 
I guess I will play it by ear
Watch this space 
I will keep you updated....

Saturday, 19 November 2016

Bumpy week

Yes 
This week has been bumpy to say the least
I was off Monday and Tuesday with severe bouts of diarrhoea
I went in Wednesday 
And yesterday 
But I had to get off the horse to run to the bathroom
So I really didn't get to ride which was disappointing 
So instead 
I groomed 
And helped out in the yard
Today I am off again
As I have a doctors appointment 
So I'm hoping to get to the bottom of this 
Ha! Pardon the pun!
But seriously 
I do need to get this under control 
I've had diarrhoea since I started the course 
Which is five weeks now 
I was managing it 
But it's got to the point where I'm afraid to do anything 
In case I need the loo
As I said in my last post
I really think it's anxiety 
I was talking with my sisters partner last night 
And she was asking why I am anxious 
After some thought 
I realised that it was because I feel I'm not good enough 
That I am stupid 
And am not able for this course 
I worry about everything 
About falling behind 
Being asked questions and not knowing the answers 
About how I'm doing socially 
Wondering what my weights doing 
Struggling to eat at breaks 
So really and truly there is a lot going on
It's no wonder my body is taking a hit 
And the thing is 
It's a catch 22 situation 
If I go in to my course 
I feel anxious and have diarrhoea 
If I don't go in 
I don't feel anxious 
And I don't have it 
So when I do stay at home 
I feel I should have gone in
But if I go in
I wish I stayed at home
What to do ....
I'm not sure what my doctor is going to do 
But I hope there is a solution that doesn't involve taking a pill
I was wondering if any of you have experience this 
And how did you deal with it?
It's starting to get me down 
And I know the more time I miss 
The more I fall behind 
And the harder it will be to get back in to the swing of things 
Anyway 
I digress 

In other news 
Mam is away for two weeks 
So am trying to keep the house running in some sort of order 
The weather is so bad that I'm not getting out with the dogs as much 
But they come for spins in the car and seem to be happy enough with that 
My Dad is staying with us for a while 
He has improved a bit 
Which is great 
Food wise I'm doing ok
Struggling a bit to eat in school
But I'm eating a dinner in the evenings 
I'm not entirely sure 
But I don't think I've lost weight 
If I have it's not much 
Mood is good 
I feel positive 
Despite the issues I'm having 
But I'm optimistic that there is a solution 
So if you have any suggestions 
I'd love to read them.....

Tuesday, 15 November 2016

Sick

I'm off school today
And was off yesterday too
Since I started my course four weeks ago
I've been experiencing severe bouts of diarrhoea in the mornings
At first I put it down to my change in routine 
And adjusting to my course 
But recently 
It's been getting worse 
I get like clockwork every morning 
But not for the rest of the day
On Sunday night 
I woke up and threw up a few times
So just to be sure 
I took yesterday off 
I got up this morning 
Planning to go in 
But I had too pretty bad bouts in quick succession 
So I made an executive decision
And decided to stay at home 
I did speak to my doctor last week
And he said to keep an eye on it
And notice when I am getting it
And when I don't 
Over the weekend 
I didn't have any diarrhoea at all
But come Monday morning 
It came back 
I'm starting to think that it might be nerves or anxiety 
I don't actually feel stressed 
But I guess it could be bubbling away under the surface 
Starting this course was a huge step 
And I think it's perfectly natural to feel nerves and anticipation
But I thought four weeks in I would feel a bit more settled 
Of course 
In saying that 
I am still adjusting 
And finding my feet 
But I definitely believe that emotional stresses can cause physical reactions 
I rang my doctor today 
And the receptionist told me that I couldn't be seen 
She said I could go in only if it was an emergency 
I told her I needed a cert for school
But she said that wasn't an emergency 
Nice 
So I'll have to wait until Friday to get a sick cert 
It's nice to have a couple of days off 
But I would much rather be in school 
As I don't want to miss out 
Because I am struggling to keep up as it is 

Apart from that 
I am doing welll
I feel good 
I feel healthy and strong 
Not weak or delicate like I used to
I'm loving my course 
Two new girls started this week
But I haven't met them yet
Which is more anxiety meeting new people 
The girls on my course have been just lovely 
Texting me to check on me
And just being good friends 
I am going to go in to tomorrow regardless 
Because I know the longer I leave it 
The harder it will be to get back in to a routine 

Anyway 
Just a quick post today 
Thanks for reading 
And see you on the next post....

Friday, 11 November 2016

Facebooking from the edge....

I have only recently started using Facebook
I was blissfully ignorant to it for a long time 
I avoided it for a few reasons 
The number one being that I had no life 
And it made me feel really lonely and envious of all the people who seemed to have these fantastic lives
Basically 
If I had a FB account this time last year
All I would be posting is pictures of mountains of food, toilets and vomit 
And let's face it
That is nothing to brag about 
I had nothing positive to report at all
Also 
I simply couldn't handle seeing images and videos of cruelty to animals 
These images stayed lodged in my brain
And I literally couldn't go on knowing about the atrocities that we as humans do to animals 
It's a bit of a tug of war for me
I don't want to know these things 
Yet at the same time I want to be aware of what is going on
Take this morning for example 
I scrolled through my news feed 
And stumbled upon an article about animals being skinned alive in India and China 
To make out leather goods 
I broke down after reading the article 
I utterly despaired 
And did not want to be part of the human race if this is what we do to creatures that show nothing but loyalty and unconditional love 
I just don't understand it 
I really don't 
After the tears subside 
The anger sets in
And the absolute need to do something about 
I signed a petition 
I shared it on Facebook
And wrote a post about my feelings 
But it doesn't feel like enough 
I've been thinking about becoming vegetarian for a while now 
And now knowing where most of our leather comes from 
I'm even considering vegan ism 
The only thing is 
That I don't know the first thing about it 
I don't know how to cook vegan food 
I'm not even sure which foods are vegan
I just want to do something 
Even if it's in my own small way 
After this 
I went in to the kitchen 
And sat on the floor with Honey and Lea
I hugged them tightly 
And thanked my lucky stars that I am able to give two dogs a good and loving home 
Anyway 
Look 
I could write for days about this 
But I'll stop here as I just have no more tears 

In other news
Today is Friday 
And I usually have a half day today 
But today I am off sick with some sort of bug 
I've had diarrhoea for about two weeks now 
And I just feel so tired and weak
It's nice to have a day off though 
Even if I don't feel all that well
So I now have a month done of my course 
Some things are getting easier 
But I must admit
I do struggle to retain information
Thank you 12 years of drug abuse
For my brain like a sieve 
For low self esteem and confidence 
For an inherent inability to like myself 
Or to believe in myself 
For putting me through hell
And not forgetting anorexia and bulimia 
For my weak body 
A malfunctioning body
And for any lack of life skills 
Oh yes
They have treated me well
So because of all this 
More often than not 
I feel like the class dunce 
I always seem to be asked the question I don't know the answer to 
And never the one I do know the answer to
Yesterday I walked away from my stable and left the door open!
Our tutor shouted at me from across the yard 
And I felt so embarrassed 
But 
I'll never make that mistake again 
That's for sure
I struggle with the equipment 
I forget the names of things 
During our riding lesson
Our tutor had us take our feet out of our stirrups 
Asked us questions 
And we could only get our stirrups back when when answered our question correctly 
I had to do two laps of the arena like this 
And boy did I feel stupid 
On a positive note 
I am now cantering 
And not by accident 
Yesterday morning I was on a beautiful dun mare called Bambino
What a beauty 
I think she has been my favourite so far 
She was lovely and forward to ride 
Responded with little effort from me
Just a joy to ride
I was surprised when our tutor told me to canter 
As if had no instruction
It was just out of the blue 'Canter at the next corner'
I kicked on Bambi
Sat in to the saddle 
Leg behind the girth
And the sprang in to a canter 
Such a rush 
A definite improvement on my day

I only have a couple of photos this week
Below is Arnie having a rest 
And me chillin' with Bambi.....






Sunday, 6 November 2016

Sunday - Positives of the week

It was a short week
Only four days as Monday was a bank holiday

I wrote two essays 

I met a friend from treatment on Tuesday for lunch

I managed to eat breakfast and lunch on a couple of occasions 

I rode a new horse called Jigsaw
Who was a total pet 
And really looked after me 

I made it through the week without crying or having a meltdown

I didn't ring in sick even though I felt fine 

I mounted both Blue and Jigsaw from the ground 

I fed the little pony down the road from me 

I didn't smoke even though I had a huge craving 

I budgeted my money well

I took my meds correctly 

I gave my Mam more money than usual for bills 

I started up conversation with a stranger 

I made it through week 3 of my course

What were the positives of your week?

Saturday, 5 November 2016

Write, delete, repeat

I just wrote 
And promptly deleted a post about stopping blogging
I said goodbye and everything 
But the truth is 
I don't want to stop writing 
Even if it's only once a week
I love it 
And I love you
So I'm not going anywhere
Not yet anyway
I guess I need to be more active on blogger in order to maintain the friendships I have made 
It's a balancing act 
My real life 
And my virtual one 
But I feel a duty to you 
And to all the ED sufferers out there 
To show that recovery is possible 
The thought of leaving blogger is too much 
Blogger was there when I needed it
So I will be there for blogger
And all the readers out there 
For better or for worse 
I am not going anywhere....

Friday, 4 November 2016

Week 3

And so it's Friday again 
Another week over 
I swear the weeks are flying by
But I am so glad that this week is over 
And I have a couple of days to recharge my batteries 
This week was better in a lot of ways 
I wrote last week about feeling a bit like an outsider in my class 
I think I probably judged that all wrong 
In fact I was probably making too much of an effort in an attempt to fit in
It's never easy coming in to a new group 
Especially when there are big personalities 
I am on the quiet side 
And it takes me a while to open up and be myself 
So I made a huge effort to infiltrate the group 
And I have learned that that's maybe not the best way to go about things 
This week 
I decided to be myself 
And be the way I am around my family 
Natural 
Sarcastic 
Mickey taking 
Comfortable in my own skin
And not afraid to speak up
I basically just relaxed 
And stopped trying so hard 
Less is more I figure
And you know what?
That worked a lot better than being an eager little puppy begging people to like me 
We had a short week this week
Now my day is an hour shorter 
As I get a later bus in to town 
Which means I don't have to get up at the butt crack of dawn 
Yesterday and today we were in the stables 
Which I both love and hate in equal measures 
First we go in to the classroom 
And do some theory 
That lasts about 40 minutes 
Then it's down to muck out 
Today I mucked out Balou
Who was a total pet
My strength is definitely improving 
Which is great 
I can do the work a lot quicker now 
Yesterday I mucked out Blue 
My best buddy 
Then we groomed our horses 
And tacked them up 
With a lot of help from my tutor Joanna 
I am slowly but surely getting the hang of the equipment 
It takes me a while 
But I get there eventually 
Yesterday morning we had our first riding lesson 
And I was on Blue 
I love Blue 
I do 
But Jesus H Christ is he lazy 
There were four of us in the lesson 
And the others were on much bigger horses 
And Blue was just not keeping up 
I do acknowledge that that is partly down to me too 
But he cuts owners 
His walk is funereal 
And his trot can be laboured 
It just makes life more difficult for me
I am working so hard 
And getting little in return 
The lesson went ok though 
When I am riding 
I tAlk to my horse 
And I always rub them and tell them they are a good horsey 
After the lesson 
Joanna said it was lovely of me to do that 
And she said it to the others to do it too
I felt chuffed about that 
In the lesson we did a lot of trotting 
Sitting trot 
Jumping position 
Circles 
And some small jumps 
I enjoyed it 
Even if Blue made life a bit more difficult 
After the lesson 
I untacked Blue 
And brushed him down 
Before putting on his rug 
Then we all headed out to the yard 
To watch the farrier shoeing the horses 
Which was really interesting 
At 1pm
We breaked for  lunch 
I'm finding it hard to eat breakfast and lunch when I'm at school
But I ate half a sandwich yesterday 
So I guess that's better than nothing 
We kicked back for an hour 
And then it was back down to the yard 

For my second lesson
I tacked  up a beauty called Jigsaw 
Bigger and livelier than my buddy Blue 
I was excited to ride a different horse 
I mounted him from the ground 
And straight away 
I felt so comfortable 
He felt like a better fit for me
He was also quicker and more forward 
Which made life a bit easier for me
We even got a little canter in 
Which I love 
It's funny the way some horses seem to suit better 
And even Joanna commented that we were a good match 
I thoroughly enjoyed the lesson 
And all too soon it was over 
I dismounted Jigsaw 
Untacked him
And brushed him down again 
Before I knew it 
The day was over 
I'm definitely feeling a bit more confident in myself 
With the group
The riding 
The theory 
And the equipment 
It's basically learn on the go
Ask lots of questions 
Ask for things to be explained
And then it's a case of trial And error
I was chatting to one of the girls today 
And I was telling her about the horse therapy that I had been doing 
I swear to God
Those lessons were gentle compared to what I'm doing now 
With therapy 
I literally turned up 
Got on the horse 
Ride him 
Got off the horse 
And went home 
I had no clue about the equipment
Not ev n how to adjust my stirrups 
Now I am expected to tighten the buckles and the girth from the saddle 
Which let me tell you is a skill in itself 
In therapy we did a lot of walking 
A good bit of trotting 
And a couple of canters 
I didn't get out of breath at all
Now I am sweating bullets when I come out of a lesson 
And the inside of my hat is damp with sweat 
We are constantly on the go
And you need some serious stamina to keep up with that shit 
But 
It's getting easier 
I'm sure I'll get stronger and fitter in time 
 
Something that struck me today 
Is that if I were still sick 
Still underweight 
There is not a hope of a chance that I would be able to do this course 
Not a hope in hell 
If I were still unwell
I just wouldn't last 
And it feels amazing to have the strength to control a horse 
To muck out 
To do all the things I am doing 
And it's a huge incentive to stay well
Yesterday 
I had a bit of a crisis of confidence 
And I spoke to Joanna 
She told me that I am doing far better than I think I am 
I hope so 
Because a lot of the time 
I feel like the class dunce 
But look
I am doing my level best 
And that's all I can do 

This week 
I discovered a little grey pony in one of the fields near my house 
She is a small chubby little mare
But cute as a button 
So I've taken to stopping to see her once a day 
Usually 
She is way down the field 
So I whistle 
And she comes running up to the gate 
I bring her a carrot or an apple 
And she takes them from me gratefully 
I don't know who owns her 
But she doesn't seem well looked after 
So I will keep an eye on her for now
Just to make sure she is ok

Ok 
On to the photos 
I forgot to get a photo of Jigsaw 
But Blue and arrow and my new pony friend are all there 
Enjoy...