Saturday, 31 October 2015

Peter Pan Syndrome

I was on the phone to the dog shelter last week
We were in the middle of a conversation
When the lady asked my what age I was
I told her
She began to laugh and said that I sounded like a teenager
I get this a lot 
Told that I sound a lot younger
And even look a lot younger
I know when I was very underweight 
I looked quite strange
I had this childlike body
With the face of a withered old woman 
But as I have become well
And regained weight 
My face has filled out 
As well as the rest of me
And I guess I do look a bit younger than my 34 years

I remember when I was a teenager 
I was in such a hurry to grow up
I did everything young 
My first disco
My first cigarette
My first drink 
My first boyfriend 
All before I was 15
Now that I am an adult
I wish that I had allowed myself to grow up slower
That I had taken the time to enjoy my childhood and teenage years
I look at my nephew
He has just turned 15 
And this week went to his first disco
To me he seems so innocent
I can not imagine him smoking or drinking 
And he seems to have no interest in these things 
Which I am so glad about
Because there is a chance
Like the four members of my own family
That he might inherit that addiction gene
So far he shows no sign of it 
But I know that can all change in a heartbeat

I guess my life thus far has been rocky
I began smoking and drinking at 14
Had my first proper boyfriend at 14
Began taking drugs at 15
And the next 15 years were a Wright off
My twenties
The years when you discover who you are and what you are about 
Didn't happen that way for me
So I guess now in my thirties 
I am living my twenties 
If that makes sense 
Mentally 
I am 24 years old 
Barely an adult 
I guess I dress young too 
In my jeans and trainers and hoodies
But I'm ok with that 
I am still growing up
Finding out who I am 
My views and opinions
My dress sense 
My way of coping 
Of dealing with life

They say that youth is wasted on the young
I agree 
I didn't appreciate my youth 
My childhood 
My teenage years 
I was so busy trying to be an adult 
So busy wanting to grow up
I got my first full time job when I left school
I was doing well
But it wasn't long before my drug use began to spin out of control
The next 14 years were chaotic to say the least 
There were a few years during that time
That I don't know how my family got through
My mum and I were speaking about this just yesterday 
There was a time when four out of six of us were in active addiction
It was crazy 
So many shocking things happened 
Addiction rips families apart
As it did mine 
It's only years later 
And with the four of us in recovery
That our lives have begun to heal
They also say that the age you are when you start using/drinking/starving/purging is the age you stay until you stop
I was 14 when my problems started 
And that makes sense to me 
That I am still a teenager
A young adult 
Mentally
And physically 

I think our eating disorders 
Are also something thdt keeps us from growing up
There is something very child like about EDs
Anorexia is sometimes a protest to growing up
Bulimia is the inability to control ones self
Again 
Like a child 
I know I have resisted growing up once I reached adulthood 
Being an adult
And everything that goes with it
Scared the bejesus out of me
I worried and stressed that I wouldn't be able to cope
Wouldn't be able for the responsibility 
It just all seemed like too much 
I struggled to deal with reality 
Struggled with substances that allowed me to escape from that reality
I struggling with impulse control
Which has bothered me a lot over the years
Like a child 
There is no no for me
I see something and I want it right now 
There is no control
None at all

Its only now
At the age of 34
That I am getting my life together 
That I am starting to grow up
I know I have a lot of work to do
I have taken the first step 
But there are still many miles to go 
And maybe it's actually a nice thing that I don't look my age 
Maybe it will stand to me in years to come 
I've seen over the last couple of weeks
The areas I need to work on
I want to be a responsible adult 
I want to act my age 
Sometimes it bothers me 
That at my age I am still living with a parent 
But then I remember that I am not living with my parents
I am sharing a house with my mum and sister 
I have the freedom to do as I please
And I get on with my mum very well
It would be crazy for me to try and maintain a house by myself 
It makes more sense for me to live here
And I like living here 
I feel safe 
I feel loved
Honey and Lea love it here
They are happy here 
Our house is home 
It's where we all meet for tea
For dinner
To play games 
To celebrate holidays and birthdays 
It's the centre of our family 

With all that said
I was wondering about you
Have you resisted growing up like me?
Do you think that your ED has anything to do with not wanting to grow up?
What age do you feel?
And what age are you?
Do you like being the age you are?
Inquiring minds want to know.....




Thursday, 29 October 2015

Ruby Returns....

I'm back 
After a few days of a blogging break
It felt like years rather than days
I missed blogging 
I missed writing
I missed you
My little blogger family 
My dear friends
I missed the constant to and fro of comments and replies and emails 
I missed feeling part of something
Something bigger than me 
I missed reading your updates
Commenting 
I missed it all
But as I said before I left 
I had acknowledged that my real life needed some work
A lot of work if truth be told
This week has been tough 
I've had to take a good hard look at myself 
My life 
What I do of a day 
How I manage myself
My ups and downs 
My emotions
My relationships 
My addiction
My eating disorder
My medications 
Yes 
It was plain to me 
That my real life needed some attention

There have been a lot of lessons learned in the last few weeks 
Especially around blogging
I learned that just because it happened 
Doesn't mean I need to blog about it
As a rule 
I've always elected not to write about others 
My family 
My friends 
My blogger friends 
But lately I've been bending that rule 
And that is not ok with me
I guess sometimes I feel pressure sometimes to produce the goods where my blog and my writing are concerned 
As you know 
I write everyday
And some days it's incredibly difficult to think of something to write about
So lately I've writing about things that maybe aren't suitable for my blog
Things that should be kept to myself 
Putting pressure on myself to keep interesting and readable
I have broken some key rules that I would usually live my life by
I have written about things that I usually wouldn't have 
The other issue 
Is how open and honest I am on my blog
It's a double edged sword really 
Being that honest I know can help others
And encourage them to be honest too
And I want to continue to be honest 
I really do
But I think I've been putting myself in a vulnerable place lately 
Again
For something to write about 
And almost for the shock factor too
My blog started to become like a fictional story 
A made up character 
Rather than my life
I would read over my blog
And it was like reading about someone else 
Like it wasn't me 
That's not good 
And I love to turn incidents in my life in to stories 
Even the smallest thing can be made in to a good story 
But I have to remember that this is my life  that I am writing and reading about 
It's a real person
Not a character in a story 

Then there is the whole meds situation
I have given responsibility of my meds to my mother 
She is holding on to them 
And I go to her each morning to take them
I know she doesn't really hide them 
I could find them if I wanted to
And she doesn't stand over me as I take them 
So I could stockpile them and continue to mess around them
I can't lie 
Everyday hasn't been perfect 
But I am doing my best 
And a hell of a lot better than I was doing 
So I guess I'm moving in the right direction
I'm seeing Breda on Monday 
So I am going to make it my business to speak to her about my meds
Again 
I am reluctant to talk to my doctor 
But 
I will play that one by ear

I met a good friend yesterday 
A girl I was in treatment with
And have kept in touch with since
We meet up every few weeks 
And it's always so lovely to chat to her
She is a few years older than me 
So she always has some sage words of advice for me
I told her that over the last while
I have been having an existential-type crisis 
You know the one 
Where you ask yourself 
Who am I?
What am I doing ?
Where am I going?
What is my purpose?
Am I just a waste of space?
A burden to my family and society?
I've been asking these question a lot lately 
As a feel I am just treading water 
And barely keeping my head above the water line 
My friend said some really wise things 
That I am doing my best 
That I am enough 
Just the way I am 
That I will find my way
I am finding my way 
I have been through a lot
And am barely a year in to my recovery 
I just need to keep going 
Keep putting one foot in front of the other
And keep fighting 

Another thing I have learned 
Is that I am not perfect
And never will be
No one is 
I've made some pretty horrible mistakes in my life 
And when I am feeling low 
I take them out of the file in the back of my head 
And berate myself with them 
I've been doing that a lot lately 
I've made myself sick to my stomach with all the awful mistakes I have made in my life
If I think about it too much
I really will go insane 
One thing that has been helping me 
Is saying the the serenity prayer

God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I can not change 
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

There is something so soothing and comforting about saying those words
Over and over
Like a mantra 
A chant 
There is also something comforting knowing that I can't change the past 
I can't change things I've done
I've said 
The people I've hurt 
The utterly stupid mistakes that I have made 
All I can do is learn the lesson
And move on 

So yes
Hopefully this is the start of me moving in a new healthier direction
I can't lie 
I still have huge urges to escape reality
The thought of living day in day out is
Terrifying 
But 
As my friend said to me yesterday 
Delay 
Delay the thoughts 
Delay the behaviour 
Delay
Also 
All I have to deal with is this 24 hours 
And tomorrow I will deal with when it comes 
I don't know guys 
I guess this is just life 
And sometimes life sucks 
Everyone goes through tough times
Everyone has a story 
A past 
A few skeletons in their closet 
No one is perfect 
Everyone has made mistakes 
It's not just people with mental illness or addiction that need to clean house sometimes 
It's everyone 

By the way 
Just to give you an update on the dog shelter situation
I rang them before I went away 
To let them know I would start when I got back
They said to ring when I returned 
Which I did 
Where upon they told me that they had me on file
And would ring me when I was needed 
I was confused 
As I thought that I would be starting 
But it looks like I might have to call in to them again
As a phone call doesn't seem enough

Anyway
Just wanted to let you guys know that I am here
And I am ok 
As ever 
I will keep writing
Keep showing up and doing my thing
Keep fighting for a better life 
For recovery 
For me and my family 

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

A break from the break

I'm taking a little break from my break
To share this article with you
It's compiled by Healthline
And features different contributors advice about binge eating
My two cents is in there too
I think it's really helpful
Hope you do too....

Sunday, 25 October 2015

Lessons learned and taking a break

A lot of lessons have been learned over the past couple of days 
I am someone who lives their life on impulse
Everyday I do things without thinking them through
And I do it for instant gratification 
I think I need to slow down a bit 
I need to breathe
And take a big step back
And look at my life 
I've made a commitment to go to a meeting tomorrow
And I'm also handing my meds over to a family member 
For the time being
Just until I can trust myself again

So yes 
I am going to take a little break from my blog and the Internet
I need to focus on my real life
And my real life relationships 
I think I've had my head stuck in a virtual world 
Putting pressure on myself to write everyday
I'm not sure how long I will be gone 
Maybe days 
Maybe weeks 
But one thing is for sure 
I will be back 
At some stage 
I just need to get my ducks in a row 
And sort out what is keeping me stuck
 
If you are wondering about Marla
She is ok
We have been emailing back and forth. 
And are going to put this incident behind us 

So I will see you in a little while
Please take care of you
And each other 
I will see you on the flip side....

Saturday, 24 October 2015

At a loss....

Do you ever wish you could turn back time?
And change history?
I sure do 
I feel sick to my stomach about what has gone on in the comments section of my blog the last couple of days 
I also learned a big lesson
Just because it happened 
Doesn't mean I have to blog about it
Which leads me to think that maybe I am being too honest on my blog 
Maybe I should censor myself a bit more
And not be so frank all the time 
Maybe I should take a break from blogging to asses where I am at 
Because I am not in a good place

The reason I am upset today 
Is not just what happened with Marla
But because this is the second time this suggestion has been brought to my attention
I don't know if you remember Loulou who used to be a close friend of mine 
We texted and emailed every day
She was good to me
And I did my best to help her
She also brought it to my attention the idea that our community is not healthy 
I disagreed with her
And we had a huge argument 
All through texts
And I haven't heard from her since
Thdt must be about a year ago now
So this tension with Marla reminds me of Loulou 
And makes me question myself 
And my motives for writing 
And the support we give each other 
I don't know if you read the anonymous comment left on my last point 
The writer brought up a lot of good points 
It was food for thought for sure

After everything that happened yesterday 
I had a long chat with my mother 
We talked about where I am at 
And what I need to do to keep moving forward 
Of course the subject of meds came up
As it always does 
I've agreed to let my mother take responsibility of my meds from now on
As I just can't trust myself 
Ive decided not to speak to my doctor about it 
But I will speak to Breda when I see her next week 

My mother also reminded me 
That back in August 
I told her that I was going to use this year to get a good foundation in my recovery 
Thdt I was going to take my meds correctly 
Go to meetings 
And stay in touch with friends 
I have done none if these things so far
I haven't been to a meeting in months 
I'm abusing my meds 
And I've lost touch with all my friends 
So the only social outlet I have is here on my blog
That can't be healthy 
I know I need to focus on my real life relationships more 

I am stuck at the monent 
I acknowledge that 
I've come a long way
But thdt doesn't mean I stop where I am 
There is still a long long way to go
After speaking with my mum last night 
I asked her to help me
To help me with my meds 
To help me get to meetings 
Which I have decided to go back to
As they do help
And keep me grounded in my recovery 
I know I will need support to get back on track 

Last night was horrible 
I couldn't look at the rest of the comments until this morning 
I felt so bad for Marla
And so guilty for my actions 
I spoke to my mum about blogging
And if it is healthy for me 
She made the point that a lot more positive things have come out of it than negative
That is true
95% of the feedback I get on my blog is positive 
And so many cool things have happened recently 
Being asked to do write for different publications 
And being able to help others 
So I won't stop blogging 
I will continue to write 
Just maybe not in the same way 

Today I am wondering if in fact this community is as healthy and productive as we think it is
Yes we are all friends 
Yes we support each other 
But are we being honest with each other? 
Are we telling each other what we want to hear
Or what we need to hear?
I am undecided on this right now 
I'm just not sure 
Marla made a point 
And I am wondering if there is any truth in it
I think back to my stints in treatment 
And remember how we all competed to be the sickest 
The thinnest 
Who needed the most attention from staff
I'm wondering if I Ruby do seek approval 
To be told that I am ok
Thdt I have come a long way
And therefore don't need to go any further
I don't profess to be perfect
I am the anthisesis of perfection
And am no poster girl for recovery 
But I need to keep plugging away at my recovery 
And keep fighting for my life 
I am honest here 
Probably to a fault 
And now I don't where to go from here 
Do I keep blogging as usual?
Do I take a break?
I'm still thinking about these things 
Because I need to get my priorities straight if I truly want to recover 
Which I do 

I guess I have some serious thinking to do
To reevaluate where I am at 
Jo made  the point yesterday 
That we need to stick together 
Because we are all in the some boat 
We shouldn't be pulling each other down
She is so right 
I don't want to argue with anyone 
And I certainly don't want to hurt anyone
Marla has emailed me
And she is ok 
But she is not going to read anymore 
I feel sad about this 
That she came to my blog looking for support
And ended up in the eye of a storm 
I learned some hard lessons over the past couple of days 
Next time 
I will think before I write 

Friday, 23 October 2015

Community

I write this comment a very bruised Ruby
I made a mistake
I should not have written my last post
I should not have publicly tried to sort out my issues with Marla publicly on my blog 
It was a knee jerk reaction
I felt hurt that I was accused of writing specifically for comments
And lashed out 
Now I fear an innocent person has been hurt 
Of course
Everyone is entitled to their opinion 
But I took offence to this comment
And write my post in a flurry of hurt 
I don't think I should have done that

Then of course
You
My loyal friends
Jumped to my defence 
And I know Marla felt that we ganged up on her 
And for that I feel sick
My blog is supposed to be a safe place 
A place where the truth is told 
Even if it is difficult to hear
As Jo wrote yesterday 
We are all in the same boat 
We should be pulling together 
Not falling apart
I appreciate you all standing up for me
But I don't feel right about the way I handled this situation 
I hurt someone 
And thdt is not ok with me 
I don't know where to go from here 

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Make it Work

I don't have a lot of qualifications when it comes to education and work
I haven't studied beyond high school
I didn't attend college or university 
I don't have any specialists skills 
I have worked in a lot of different jobs
So I guess I do have some experience
Not a lot 
But some 
While most people I know were going to college
Travelling
Acquiring new skills 
I was in the midst of a horrific drug addiction
And following that
Anorexia and bulimia 
In a strange way 
I have mastered in those subjects 
They are topics that I know intimately 
I lived them 
Breathed them
Ate them 
And slept them for over ten years
I could write essays 
Thesis after thesis on these subjects 
And in a way 
I guess I do that everyday 
In writing this blog 

As you know 
I write everyday 
I write everyday for a few reasons 
I like to constantly have something new to write about 
I do it at the same time everyday 
So it gives my day structure and form
It's some thing that keeps me accountable and honest 
As well as that 
I love writing 
And am always thinking about new topics to write about 
I dont always write about addiction and EDs
I write personal posts 
I do photo posts
I review documentaries, books and TV shows 
I write about anything that interests me
And that I think will appeal to my readers

I often get asked to contribute to a website or guest post on a blog
At the moment I have three writing pieces 
In the works 
Which is really exciting 
As I have often said 
I am blown away by what can happen if you put yourself out there
If you are willing to share your story 
In an honest and vulnerable way
Writing my blog is a huge part of my life 
And I don't hold back
I share practically every part of my life here
In the hope that someone else feels the same
Or that someone else might not feel so alone 
It still blows my mind 
When I look at my stats and see people reading from Russia, Lebanon, Norway, China
I only know very few of you who read this blog
And of course there are the core readers and writers
Who form the back bone of this community 
And who I call my best friends 

My sister is always telling me that I should monetise my blog
Either by showing ads 
Or writing an E book
Or publishing a book myself 
There is no doubt 
That I have enough material for book
I have written 942 posts over three years 
Every moment over that time has been documented 
From my illness to recovery 
Every slip and relapse 
Every success and triumph
To read back on it is so amazing 
As as I soon as I have written a post 
I delete it from my mind 
So rereading it
Is like reading it for the first time
I really don't want to include ads in my blog
As I think they disrupt the flow of a blog 
But I would love to write a book
Or fashion my blog in to a book
That would be a dream come true 
Addiction and EDs are subjects that I know
I lived them
And in a lot of ways still live them

I just have this feeling deep down
That my blog 
And my experiences 
Are going to be a huge part of my life
And my work life 
And what you believe you create right?

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
Why do you write?
Would you like to make it your career?
Have you ever been published?
Would you like to be published?
Inquiring minds want to know....

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Walkies...

Lea and Honey are now ten years old
In fact Honey is a little older than Lea
Lately I've really noticed their age
We used to do an hours walk no problem
But now Honey struggles to keep up
Especially if we are on a hill
I was out with them yesterday 
Down the back roads behind my house
I stopped to talk to one of the dogs in one of the houses down there
And Lea just panned out on the ground 
So I guess I need to shorten their walks now
In dog years 
They are 70 years old
So they are elderly for dogs
You can see it in Leas face
She looks old 
Honey however
It will take more than old age to stop her

Today
I thought I would share some photos with you of our walk this morning
As you will see 
Lea is loyal to the bitter end 
And never far from my side 
Honey on the other hand 
Will go with anyone who gives her food 
It shows her the slightest bit of affection 
Here they are...


















Tuesday, 20 October 2015

The shame of addiction

First 
I want to thank you all for your comments on my last post
I really appreciate your candour and your honesty
I haven't replied to all the comments yet
But  will get to them today
Thank you all

Monday is always a bit of a Wright off
Having had no meds on Sunday
I usually sleep for a few hours on Monday 
Even if I did take my meds properly 
And didn't abuse them
I always make sure to take care of my dogs before I take my meds 
I get them up 
Let them out 
Bring them for a good long walk
Give them a chewy treat
And then take my meds 
I make sure I'm awake at lunch time to feed them 
But yesterday afternoon my mother woke me up 
To tell me that she thought the dogs were hungry
You can tell when they are hungry as they will bark and dance around your feet
I got up immediately and fed them 
But for me 
That was just unacceptable that I would be asleep while they are hungry
Shame on me 
I take pride in the fact that I am a good responsible dog owner 
But how can I be there for them 100% if I am abusing my meds
And sleeping my life away

After writing yesterday's post
I had a good long think 
And a good long look at myself 
Someone left a comment yesterday
That what I am doing is as bad as being addicted to heroin 
Only these drugs I get for free
This is a valid point
It's the same shit
Different substance
Others suggested that I need to fill my day
And have an occupation
I wholeheartedly agree with this 
And rang the dog shelter this morning
So hopefully I can start there soon

But yes
Yesterday I thought about my actions at the moment 
It must be really difficult for my mother and my sister and my dogs 
To see me out of it 
Nodding off and falling asleep 
Sometimes I see the look in my dogs eyes 
When I make my tea
And head in to the living room 
They look so sad 
Like they want me to stay in the kitchen with them 
But for the last while 
My meds have been the priority 
And that has to change 
I claim to be in recovery 
I claim to be turning my life around
That applies to all areas of my life
Not just my ED
I know I need to address this meds problem 
If I really want to be in recovery 

Not being there for my dogs is unacceptable to me
I rescued Honey and Lea
I've been there for them every day for the last ten years 
They are both elderly now 
And need a little bit of extra care in their old age 
This incident yesterday 
All your comments 
And my mothers and sisters concern
And my own concern
Have all added up to my wanting to make a change 
I have to make a change of I want to  live my life in the best way possible
Taking and overusing my meds is not making me happy
It's not fulfilling my life
It's not making me a better person
It's draining the life out of me
It's making me in to a sleepy, out of it down and out 
I don't want to be that person 
Not at all

One of the reasons I don't drink
Is because when you are drunk
What you say
And what you do 
Is not real
It's fake 
The same can be said for meds
When I am abusing them 
I am not myself 
What I say and do
Is not real
Because I am mood altered 
I am not myself 

So what do I do now that I know I want to make a change?
Some of you suggested that I give responsibility of my meds to a family member
This is a good suggestion
And something that has worked in the past 
However 
I've decided to give myself this week
To see if I can take them properly 
Starting today 
Depending on how this week goes
I will then decide whether to hand them over to a family member or not
History tells me that I am not good at managing my own meds and drugs
I've always been a greedy addict
If something makes me feel good
I will take it over and over again
No matter what the consequences

Usually 
In addiction
The precursor to change is hitting a rock bottom
That can happen quite quickly when illegal drugs are concerned
I hit many many rock bottoms during my own addiction
Because the drug I used is illegal
Crime is usually involved 
And other shady dealings 
The thing with prescription drugs 
Is that the are legal
My doctor writes me a prescription
I bring said prescription to the pharmacy 
Collect my meds
And it's all above board 
Of course 
I do not take my meds the way I am supposed to 
I take a double dose on some days 
But I think both addictions are the very same 
The only thing that separates them is that one is legal 
And the other is not 
At the moment 
I am having my cake and eating it
I have the luxury of having my addiction
With none of the consequences 
I get to live in a nice house 
In a dry clean bed 
With a roof over my head 
Clothes in my wardrobe 
And food in my fridge 
I could go on like this forever if I wanted to 
But do I want to?
No
I don't think so 

I am of the age 
Where a lot of my friends are getting  married 
Having children 
And pursuing a career
I do t know if I necessarily want that 
But it would be nice to have the option
I definitely want a career
I want to do something I love 
Whether that's working with animals
Or helping others with EDs and addiction
I can't see myself doing anything else 
I don't know if I want children
But I definitely want a partner to share my life with 
None of these jungs are possible if I continue abusing my meds
And maintain my addiction

I guess this issue is a big sign that all is not rosy in my recovery garden 
I am not doing this because I am a happy well adjusted person
I feel an inherent sadness 
I run from these feelings
I don't like these feelings
I accepted a long time ago
They my base level mood 
Is lower than the average person
I feel my feelings intensely 
Like I am hyper sensitive
That can be overwhelming 
Too much for me to handle 
So I cut my feelings off at the source
Because I don't know how else to deal with them 
I've never really developed alternative methods of dealing with my feelings 
I've always bounce from addiction to ED to addiction 
One thing that did help me stay clean and sober is meetings 
History tells me that I tend to do well when I am attending them
And being around others who are in recovery 
So why don't I go?
Well 
History also tells me that when I go to meetings 
I start off well 
And throw myself in to them 
But then 
I get complacent 
Start to skip them here and there 
And then stop going altogether 
And that is a pattern I repeat over and over 
Another reason I don't go 
Is that I don't always feel like part of the crowd 
Like I don't quite fit in
And that is a horrible feeling
I don't know 
Maybe meetings are not for me
Maybe I can do it another way
But then 
Maybe I should give them another shot 
And take it day by day 
One thing is for sure 
I need to do something 
Because time is going by so fast at the moment 
And before I know it 
My life will be over 

I guess my confidence in myself could be improved 
One of the reasons I am reluctant to pursue education or work
Is thstbibam afraid that I am not smart enough 
Not good enough 
Not pretty enough 
Too quiet 
Too shy 
Too introverted 
That the big bad world would chew me up and spit me out
What I would really love to do 
Is help others with eating disorders and addiction
I have absolutely no educational qualifications 
But I am more than qualified in EDs and addiction
And I really feel I could help others 
Because I have been there myself 
My blog is a huge part of my life
And I sincerely hope that my experiences will go some way to helping others 
As you know 
I don't censor my writing 
I share my story warts and all 
The ups and downs 
The highs and lows 
Every drama 
Every set back
Every triumph and success 
Is documented here 
I don't hold back 
Because I want to be real
And authentic
I don't know how to be any other way

So I am going to try 
Starting today 
I am going to try my best to take my meds properly 
And his day next week
I will asess the situation
And see what changes need to be made 
I am lucky 
I have great support 
Both in my real life
And here in my blog
Do with all your help 
I know I can do this 
And more importantly 
I really want to do this 
And that is half the battle 
So today is day 1
I will try my best 
I will find other ways to deal with my feelings 
I will speak to Breda 
And my doctor if I need to 
I have to do this 
For myself 
For my family 
For Honey and Lea
For all of us 
What is the alternative...?

Monday, 19 October 2015

Meds

I'm all off schedule this morning
I arrived in to the doctors this morning
To find that I had both my doctors appointment and Breda at the same time 
9 30am
I checked in 
And went and sat outside my doctors office
Then Breda came and I had to explain to her that I couldn't see her
So now I won't get to see her until November 2nd
I can't lie 
Part of me is glad I won't see her until then
She asked me how things are going 
I said good more or less
She asked what that meant 
I replied that there are things I could work on
Which there always are 
We left it at that 
And I went to see my doctor
He was pretty full this morning 
So I had a bit of a wait
Eventually I was called in 
My doctor talked about his printer for about five minutes 
Which I thought was amusing 
Then he got down to the nitty gritty
Two weeks ago 
He said he would reduce the methadone today 
He brought up the subject again this morning 
I played dumb
And said I couldn't remember him saying that 
He smiled 
And said 'We'll go down two mls'
I didn't have the energy to argue
So down I went 
Just then 
My doctor got a phone call
He answered
And asked me to step outside for a minute 
Which I did 
While I was out there 
A lady with the most beautiful baby girl sat down beside me 
I could take my eyes off the baby
He name was Cassidy
She just looked so snug and content 
And I wished I could swap places with her 
So all I would have to worry about is eating and sleeping 

Anyway 
After a couple of minutes 
My doctor called me back in 
He told me that it was one of the prisons on the phone 
Trying to get a psychiatrist to see one of the prisoners 
He mentioned the name of the prison
Castlerea
Straight away I had a flash back
Of me going in to the visiting room of the prison
With a mouth full of drugs 
Passing it to my boyfriend in a kiss
Then 
Going to the prison with my boyfriends uncle
Who was in a wheel chair 
Smoking weed in the car on the way there 
Then me getting so nervous that I let go of the wheel chair 
And the man fell out on to the ground 
Talk about drawing attention to yourself 
Needless to say 
I didn't mention any of this to my doctor 
I think he thinks I wasn't that bad on drugs
Little does he know....

Back to Breda
The reason I'm not thrilled about going to see her 
Is because of my meds 
In that I am still not taking them properly 
I misuse then 4 - 5 days out of 7
And now they my mother is around more
She is seeing how bad the situation really is 
Before
When she was working 
She was gone four days 
But now she is here all the time
She is starting to notice that all is not rosy in the recovery garden
So this is why I don't want to speak to Breda 
Because I won't be able to lie to her
And if I tell her
There is every possibility she will tell my doctor 
And I'm afraid my meds will be stopped
I know I've told my doctor before 
And what he usually does is have me go in to the pharmacy every day
But they never lasts 
And I go back to my old ways 

The thing is 
I'm not sure if I want to sort out the meds situation 
I mean 
I have it cushy right now
I get to have my escape 
With little consequence
Isn't that every addicts dream?
But at the same time 
I do want to live my life 
I want to work at the dog shelter 
I want to be free of my addictions 
But it's just so damn hard to live in reality 
Why? 
I don't know 
I just get so anxious
So bored 
So nervous 
So sad 
Sometimes I just can't stand being in my own head 
The negative thoughts going around my head in a never ending loop
Sometimes I just want out 

I was watching the last series of Teen Mom 2 yesterday 
Have you seen it?
I was watching it because of one of the girls has a prescription pill addiction
Leah is her name 
She has three kids 
All under 6
One with a disability 
And she is on her second divorce 
She is 23 years old
Anyone with eyes in their head
Can see that Leah is crumbling under the weight of her issues
But she is in complete denial
An addict can always spot an addict
I can see it in her eyes 
The pinned pupils 
The dark rings under her eyes 
The unkempt appearance 
The nodding off
And talking nonsense 
Leah was prescribed various painkillers and anti anxiety meds by her doctor 
And has obviously become addicted 
Shame on get doctor 
He should be struck off 

I watched the show hoping and praying the Leah would get help
It broke my heart to see her suffering so much 
She was a woman on the edge 
And I could tell if something didn't happen soon 
She might not make it
Towards the end of the show 
Leah had contacted a treatment centre 
And when the show finished 
She was planning to go
During the ads of the show 
It showed Lea as she is now 
And she looks great 
She's put some weight on her tiny frame 
The spark is back in her eyes
And her voice sounded animated 
I hope that Leah stays well
For her sake
And for those three children

As shocking as it was watching Leah's story 
It is all too common
Especially is the U.S. 
Where doctors seem to hand out strong prescription meds like smarties
Those doctors have a responsibility to their patients 
They took an oath to first do no harm
It makes my blood boil that Leah's doctor continued to prescribe her these meds 
Given the state she was in
But I have to admit 
I can relate to Leah 
The feeling of wanting to escape 
The feeling of not being able to cope with life 
Taking pills to check off the planet 
In a lot of ways I am just like Leah
But she is dealing with some pretty heavy stuff 
I guess I am too 
In my own way 
But my life is a lot more comfortable than hers 
That is for sure 

I don't know guys 
I guess I am trying g to have my cake and eat it too
But do I really want to spend my life drifting in and out of consciousness ?
Do I really want to throw my life away?
Do ideally want to miss out on the best years of my life?
The answer is 
That I don't know
I do know that I look forward to days that is abuse my meds 
And the days that I don't 
Are endless and tedious 
I know that that's life 
Life can be boring 
Monotonous
Repetitive 
I know I need to fill my days with things I love to do 
And find an occupation 
I am starting in the dog shelter in Wednesday 
And I am really hoping that it fills a void 
And I find my niche 
I got Lea and Honey microchipped last week 
My babies are now legit!
As microchipping is mandatory from next year on 
I love animals 
And feel a real affinity with them 
So I am going to throw myself in to the work 
And hope I can help myself and the dogs 

I know that I've brought up the topic of my meds before 
I feel I need to be honest about them 
And let you know that everything is my life is not on track
I know that's the nature of addiction
But I don't like to lie to people 
And I think when I see Breda in two weeks 
I am going to have to tell her what is happening 
Because how can the precessional sheep me if they don't know what is going on?
I don't know guys 
Watched this space I guess....

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
I know a lot of you ladies are on prescription meds 
And I'm wondering how that works for you
Do you take your meds as prescribed?
Do you overtake them ever?
Or stockpile them for a rainy day?
When do you think it becomes a problem?
If you see me what would you do?
Answers on a postcard please...

Sunday, 18 October 2015

Recipe: Beef Goulash

When I was on holidays
I had the most delicious beef goulash 
In a little town called Selcuk
The food in Turkey had been hit or miss for me
And the beef goulash was by far my favourite meal while we were away
So since coming home 
I've been searching for a good recipe to follow 
And yesterday I found one 
On the BBC Good Food site 
So I thought I would make it today 
And share me recipe with you 
All the while wearing the beautiful apron that the lovely Bella handmade for me
Any excuse to wear it



Ingredients:
Olive oil - 2 tbsp
1 pound stewing steak
30g flour 
2 onions 
2 carrots
Celery
3 cloves garlic 
Green pepper
Red pepper
2 tbsp tomato purée 
2 tbsp paprika
Tin of tomatoes
75mls White wine
I pint beef stock 





I was also excited to use my measuring spoons and cups 




Method:
Add your olive oil to the pot 1 - tbsp

Cover your steak in the flour and brown well in batches being careful not to over crowd the pot
Set the browned meat aside

Add the rest of the olive oil
Also add the onion, garlic, celery, carrot and peppers 
Fry until softened for about 5mins

Return the beef to the pot
Add the tomato purée and paprika
Cook and stir for two minutes 
Then add the tin of tomatoes

Next, add the white wine and beef stock
Cover and bake in the oven for 90mins
Alternatively cover and cook on the job on a gentle heat for an hour, removing their after 45mins

Season with salt and pepper











Happy cooking!!!

Saturday, 17 October 2015

Me

I'm aware that I haven't posted a photo of myself in a while
And if I have 
It's only been a head shot
I guess I have been self conscious about the way I look 
In my new scaffolding
I mean underwear
All the new curves and shapes 
Lumps and bumps 
So here I am 
Ruby 
Im not perfect 
I have too many flaws to count 
But this body is the only one I've got 
So I'm going to keep it
Like I had a choice anyway 

I am Ruby
I am a 34 year old woman
I have a past 
Like everyone does 
But I'm trying to make the most of my life 
And live in the here and now 

I am Ruby 
I've made many mistakes in my life 
But I've learnt from them 
And try not to repeat them 

I am Ruby
I am a good person 
I didn't always believe this 
But now I starting to believe that I am 

I am Ruby 
I am in recovery 
From addiction and disordered eating 

I am Ruby 
Here I am 




Friday, 16 October 2015

In this life...

Recently 
A strange feeling has come upon me
It has sneaked up on me 
Like a fox in the night 
I wasn't sure what it was at first
It felt so strange 
So foreign
Like nothing I have ever experienced before
It's only today
This morning in fact
That I realised what it is
It's happiness
At least I think it is

For the longest time 
I was so very numb
Between my ED and my addiction 
Happiness was not something that I experienced very much 
From the age of 13
I had been in trouble
In school 
Then after I left school 
My life began to implode 
I honestly don't think that up until this point
I had ever experienced happiness
Or anything approaching happiness
Contentment 
Satisfaction 
They were all foreign concepts to me

My twenties were a right off
Up until the age of 25 I was addicted to drugs 
And my ED was always there 
In the back ground 
I swear I went for years without laughing 
Or even smiling 
But recently 
I find myself laughing more and more
I firmly believe that laughter is good for the soul 
There is nothing better than a good belly laugh 
Nothing 

Over the last 15 months 
My life has turned around to the point that I don't even recognise it
And my families lives 
When I got ill
My whole family became ill
We were in such a bad way for years 
It is such a relief to have finally come out the other side 
There was a point in time 
When four out of the six members of my family were in active addiction
It was nothing short of a living nightmare 
Thinking back 
I'm not quite sure how we got through it 
I'm not sure how my mother stayed sane
It was utter chaos and devastation
But one by one 
We all got clean and sober 
And now we all have a good bit of recovery time behind us 
We've all done it in different ways
We have found what works for us 
As my mother often says 
Given what this family has been through 
We are not doing too badly at all

I haven't felt happiness in so long 
That I'm not even sure what it feels like
All I know is that I feel good 
I dont want to hurt or kill myself 
So that is a start 
I don't want to be anyone else
I am content to be me
I feel ok in my skin 
I don't want to be bigger or smaller
I don't crave an emaciated body 
I don't measure my worth in pounds and ounces
In fact I don't weigh at all
I measure my happiness and self worth by my actions 
By looking after myself
And my dogs 
By being a good person
And doing the right thing 
Most of the time 

I spent much of my life 
Looking at other girls 
And wishing I head their hair, legs, tan, shoes....
I put together the perfect body 
Using body parts from different girls 
I hated my own body
Hated my face
I was convinced that I was butt ugly 
And there was nothing I could do to improve my looks
And my body 
I hated it also 
I hated that I wasnt taller 
Leaner 
That my legs had no shape 
And my feet were deformed 
But now 
Now I see things a bit differently 
Yes
I have inherited my mothers hammer toe and bunions
But it could be so much worse 
They are things that I can deal with
And yes I am short at 5'4
But that's ok 
I'm of an average weight 
Yes 
I will never have a supermodel body 
But that's ok too
I remember when I was in treatment 
I was told that I had a petite hour glass shape 
That is not too shabby 
And better than a kick in the face 
Yes I have days when I literally want to die because I feel I have no redeeming features
I have days when I try on my whole wardrobe
And still can find nothing to wear 
I have my bad days 
Days when I just want to lie on the floor and scream and cry because my favourite jeans no longer fit me
The point is 
That most days are ok
Most days are good 
Most days I can leave the house feeling ok in my skin 
And that 
I can deal with

So much has happened in the last year
I regained weight to a healthy range 
I gave up smoking 
And 14 months later
Continue to be a non smoker
I decreased my purging by a huge amount
But the real changes 
The vital changes
Are the ones that have happened in my mind 
My thinking 
My beliefs 
And though process has dramatically changed 
I have come to realise that I can deal with life without relying on drugs or my ED
I've come to see that I am not a bad person 
And that for me is one of the biggest and best realisations 
Not only am I not a bad person
I am actually a good person
I am just a girl 
Who wants to live her life the best she can 
I want to live in my community
Quietly and harmoniously 
I want to look after my dogs
Walk then 
Feed them 
Love them
I want to be a productive member of society
I want to be valued 
And known as a reliable and good person

I have also come to realise 
That I am hugely blessed
I have a strong family around me
Who have carried me through my recovery on a wave of love and support 
My Mother 
Who continues to be my biggest cheerleader 
Is my rock 
My backbone
Over the years 
She has literally picked me up many times 
And have me a reason to keep going
I have siblings
And being the youngest of four 
I am forever treated as the baby 
I am so lucky to have had such amazing people in my life 
Family 
Friends 
Sponsors 
Mentors 
They have all been there exactly when I needed them
I am lucky that I come from a middle class family 
And have never struggled for money 
That is huge 
As it means that I never went without 
Even when times were tough 

Now
In my thirties 
It feels like I am finally figuring things out
Heck I got measured for my first bra at the grand ol' age of 34
And we all know what a revelation that was
My twenties were a blur of drugs and alcohol and starvation
My thirties feel clear and steady and mature 
So yes
I think I might be happy
My family are all in a good place 
My sister came home from Australia 
Which was amazing
She was sorely missed
And it's so good to have her home 
My health is good 
My mental health is good 
I feel part of things 
I am an active member of our community here
And this community means so much to me
You ladies 
Who have been staunch supporters of mine
I can never express the love and gratitude I feel for you amazing ladies
You have been with me every step of the way over the last 3 and a half years
This blog has saved my life 
And my sanity 
Over and over again
I am so honoured to be part of our little community 
I have met the most wonderful people through my blog 
People who I now call friends 

I hope I can maintain this feeling
I feel so positive about my life at the moment
Yes I am not perfect 
And there is still a lot of work to be done 
But right here
Right now 
I feel content 
I feel happy 
I feel ok to be me 
Because I am doing my best to be a good person 
And that is enough for me  
It's taken me a long long time 
But I finally feel like I know what I am doing 
Where I am going 
And what I want out of life 
I feel happy to be alive 
And that my friends 
Is a miracle 



Thursday, 15 October 2015

Much ado about boobs....

Yes
This is another post about boobs
And the fact that I have newly acquired a set of 34 D boobs
Well
I guess I've had them all the time 
I just didn't know that I had them
I looked at the bra that I was wearing yesterday before I was measured
You guys
It was 32 B
I was squeezing my ample bosom in to a teeny tiny bra
No wonder when I looked at the holiday photos
My boobage was all over the place 
Spilling out of the top and sides of my clothes
People 
I was in denial about my chest 
In my head I had nice petite bosom
But now I know the truth 
That I have  massive boobs!

I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the size of my chest 
I have to 
They are out there front and centre for everyone to see
There is no denying them now
I have taken out my new bras many times since yesterday 
And looked at them in disbelief 
They are a thing of wonder 
I swear you could fit a basketball in each cup
It could swaddle a small child 
It could hold two adult sized heads 
shit you not
I have tried many times to get a photo 
But 
Photos just don't do it justice
I did think about posting a photo of me just in my bra 
But after consulting with my mother 
We decided that it might attract an unsavoury element to my blog
So that was a no go 

But all joking aside 
It's quite the traumatic event getting measured for a bra having gained weight 
Growing up 
I was pretty flat chested 
In to my twenties I was a 32 B
Blooming to a 34 D is a relatively new phenomenon 
But I guess it's partly to do with my age also 
I am 34 
I am a grown woman 
Even though Most of the time I am in denial about that 
My body has changed in the last few years 
I used to be so straight up and down 
No curves 
No shapes 
Now?
Well I have curves and shape to spare 
And I am becoming ok with that 
I've lost and gained so much weight over the years 
My body probably doesn't know what is happening 
And is trying to hold on to weight for dear life
I know I wrote about it yesterday 
But I was in genuine shock when the sales lady had me try on a 34 D
I thought she was just trying to figure out what size I was 
And then when it fit perfectly!
Well
I was in disbelief 
And you guys 
Not even only is my second bra a 32 D
It's a 32 DD!
I was too embarrassed to say yesterday 
But she actually said I was between a D and a DD
Jesus H Christ ladies!
What is happening to me?
I swear I don't recognise myself anymore
I think I am becoming 
Dare I say it 
Plus size
I feel like I have gone beyond the realm of  a normal healthy weight
And am tipping in to plus size 
Now I could be completely wrong about that 
I mean 
I am a UK size 10
So technically 
I am still of a normal healthy weight
But you guys 
I feel like there is so much of me at the moment 
That I can barely contain myself 
It's scary 
It's exciting 
It's terrifying 
It's thrilling 
It's so many emotions and feelings 

One of the great things about my bra now fitting correctly 
Is that it gives my body a nice shape 
I look in proportion
My waist looks smaller in comparison to my chest 
And I just look a bit more balanced
So that's nice
Now I just need the confidence to rock my new look!

I just asked my Mum if she thinks I am plus size 
She clicked her tongue and laughed 
So maybe I am wrong about that one 
I'm just trying to make myself feel a little better about this situation

I am aware that there are people reading this 
Who are still in the midst of their illness
Still suffering 
Still underweight 
And can't even contemplate allowing themselves to gain weight
I know that what I'm writing about here today is something that you might even greatly fear
And just can't let yourself go to that place 
I know because I was you 
I was in that place
When I was sick and underweight 
Allowing myself to gain weight was just out of the question
I couldn't comprehend it
It was something that terrified me 
To the point that I went to drastic measures to keep my weight low
I over exercised
I purged a stupid amount every day
I used laxatives and enemas 
I ate and allowed my body to consume precious little
Weight gain was my biggest fear
I can remember being in treatment 
I couldn't let go of the control
Couldn't eat and keep it down 
Wouldn't let my body absorb the calories it so desperately needed
At that time 
In my mind 
There was nothing worse that gaining weight 
It was inconceivable 
I couldn't get my head around it 
But then 
As you know 
About last April
I began to regain weight
In a lot of ways 
My recovery has happened in spite of me 
In a lot of ways 
It feels like I was carried along on a wave of love and support
And weight gain and recovery happened to me 
Rather than something I actively participated in
I know that sounds strange
But that's the way it feels
And I know that is probably the exception  rather than the norm 

But what I want to tell you
And you know I would never lie to you 
That weight gain hasn't been the horrid thing that I thought it would be
Of course 
As first 
It was traumatic 
And for me it happened very quickly 
Faster than I could process it
I can vividly remember the first time I noticed weight gain
I was still very under weight
But I was in the shower one night 
And I noticed that my tummy felt bigger 
I got out of the shower 
And proceeded to weigh myself 
I had gained a couple of kilos 
And I just wanted to die 
That was probably my lowest moment in regard to weight regain
After that 
It got easier 
I saw the benefits that came along with weight gain 
And I realised that I would rather be healthy and happy 
Rather than underweight and miserable 
Yes 
There is a feeling of satisfaction knowing that you are thin
But if you are utterly miserable 
Is it really worth it?
I really don't think so

Of course 
I realise that when I was ill
So many people told me these exact words 
That recovery is worth it
And I just had to take a leap of faith
So many people 
My family 
My friends
The professionals 
Told me to take a chance 
And I would reap the rewards 
But I know it's no good being told this 
You have to experience it for yourself 
Because I didn't believe those people 
Didn't want to believe them 
I was so stuck in a rut 
So disordered
And my thinking was so warped 
You don't think straight when you are malnourished
It's harder to make sense of things

Now that I am out the other side of my ED 
I feel it my duty and obligation
To tell you that there is life beyond ED
And addiction
I am more cautious to talk about addiction
As I still struggle with this 
Regarding my meds 
But with my ED?
My life is unrecognisable 
I feel one million times better 
I look very different 
I am a different person 
And I need you to know that it is possible for you too 
It's essential thdt you don't give up hope 
That you keep fighting for a better life
And a better future
Because there is a second chance for all of us 
If you are like me 
You might think that it is too late for you
But it's never too late 
Never 
I  am 35 years old
And it's only now that I am figuring things out 
And I am a slow learner 
My twenties were really tough 
A lot of people's twenties are
It's a time when we are trying to figure out who we are 
And what we are about 
Often we make a lot of silly choices and mistakes during this time 
God knows I sure did 
But now that I have reached my thirties 
I am a bit more sure of myself 
A bit more settled
And it's such a relief 
Such a good feeling to be finally figuring things out
Because for so long 
I was so lost 
So afraid 
So lonely 
But now 
Now things are coming together for me
And I am so grateful for that 

So please 
If you do one thing today 
Allow yourself to believe that there is a better life for you
There is life after anorexia/bulimia 
There is hope 
There is faith
There is a second chance for you
I know because it happened to me 
I fell as low as you can go
But I stand here before you today
Stronger than ever
If I can help just one person with my blog
And my experience 
Then my path and my experience 
has been worth it 
So please 
Today 
Give yourself a break
Give yourself the best gift of all
The gift of recovery and life 
Because you are worth it 
We all are

Now 
Back to boobs 
Here is a photo of one of my new bras 
You see?
It's mahoosive!!!