Tuesday, 20 October 2015

The shame of addiction

First 
I want to thank you all for your comments on my last post
I really appreciate your candour and your honesty
I haven't replied to all the comments yet
But  will get to them today
Thank you all

Monday is always a bit of a Wright off
Having had no meds on Sunday
I usually sleep for a few hours on Monday 
Even if I did take my meds properly 
And didn't abuse them
I always make sure to take care of my dogs before I take my meds 
I get them up 
Let them out 
Bring them for a good long walk
Give them a chewy treat
And then take my meds 
I make sure I'm awake at lunch time to feed them 
But yesterday afternoon my mother woke me up 
To tell me that she thought the dogs were hungry
You can tell when they are hungry as they will bark and dance around your feet
I got up immediately and fed them 
But for me 
That was just unacceptable that I would be asleep while they are hungry
Shame on me 
I take pride in the fact that I am a good responsible dog owner 
But how can I be there for them 100% if I am abusing my meds
And sleeping my life away

After writing yesterday's post
I had a good long think 
And a good long look at myself 
Someone left a comment yesterday
That what I am doing is as bad as being addicted to heroin 
Only these drugs I get for free
This is a valid point
It's the same shit
Different substance
Others suggested that I need to fill my day
And have an occupation
I wholeheartedly agree with this 
And rang the dog shelter this morning
So hopefully I can start there soon

But yes
Yesterday I thought about my actions at the moment 
It must be really difficult for my mother and my sister and my dogs 
To see me out of it 
Nodding off and falling asleep 
Sometimes I see the look in my dogs eyes 
When I make my tea
And head in to the living room 
They look so sad 
Like they want me to stay in the kitchen with them 
But for the last while 
My meds have been the priority 
And that has to change 
I claim to be in recovery 
I claim to be turning my life around
That applies to all areas of my life
Not just my ED
I know I need to address this meds problem 
If I really want to be in recovery 

Not being there for my dogs is unacceptable to me
I rescued Honey and Lea
I've been there for them every day for the last ten years 
They are both elderly now 
And need a little bit of extra care in their old age 
This incident yesterday 
All your comments 
And my mothers and sisters concern
And my own concern
Have all added up to my wanting to make a change 
I have to make a change of I want to  live my life in the best way possible
Taking and overusing my meds is not making me happy
It's not fulfilling my life
It's not making me a better person
It's draining the life out of me
It's making me in to a sleepy, out of it down and out 
I don't want to be that person 
Not at all

One of the reasons I don't drink
Is because when you are drunk
What you say
And what you do 
Is not real
It's fake 
The same can be said for meds
When I am abusing them 
I am not myself 
What I say and do
Is not real
Because I am mood altered 
I am not myself 

So what do I do now that I know I want to make a change?
Some of you suggested that I give responsibility of my meds to a family member
This is a good suggestion
And something that has worked in the past 
However 
I've decided to give myself this week
To see if I can take them properly 
Starting today 
Depending on how this week goes
I will then decide whether to hand them over to a family member or not
History tells me that I am not good at managing my own meds and drugs
I've always been a greedy addict
If something makes me feel good
I will take it over and over again
No matter what the consequences

Usually 
In addiction
The precursor to change is hitting a rock bottom
That can happen quite quickly when illegal drugs are concerned
I hit many many rock bottoms during my own addiction
Because the drug I used is illegal
Crime is usually involved 
And other shady dealings 
The thing with prescription drugs 
Is that the are legal
My doctor writes me a prescription
I bring said prescription to the pharmacy 
Collect my meds
And it's all above board 
Of course 
I do not take my meds the way I am supposed to 
I take a double dose on some days 
But I think both addictions are the very same 
The only thing that separates them is that one is legal 
And the other is not 
At the moment 
I am having my cake and eating it
I have the luxury of having my addiction
With none of the consequences 
I get to live in a nice house 
In a dry clean bed 
With a roof over my head 
Clothes in my wardrobe 
And food in my fridge 
I could go on like this forever if I wanted to 
But do I want to?
No
I don't think so 

I am of the age 
Where a lot of my friends are getting  married 
Having children 
And pursuing a career
I do t know if I necessarily want that 
But it would be nice to have the option
I definitely want a career
I want to do something I love 
Whether that's working with animals
Or helping others with EDs and addiction
I can't see myself doing anything else 
I don't know if I want children
But I definitely want a partner to share my life with 
None of these jungs are possible if I continue abusing my meds
And maintain my addiction

I guess this issue is a big sign that all is not rosy in my recovery garden 
I am not doing this because I am a happy well adjusted person
I feel an inherent sadness 
I run from these feelings
I don't like these feelings
I accepted a long time ago
They my base level mood 
Is lower than the average person
I feel my feelings intensely 
Like I am hyper sensitive
That can be overwhelming 
Too much for me to handle 
So I cut my feelings off at the source
Because I don't know how else to deal with them 
I've never really developed alternative methods of dealing with my feelings 
I've always bounce from addiction to ED to addiction 
One thing that did help me stay clean and sober is meetings 
History tells me that I tend to do well when I am attending them
And being around others who are in recovery 
So why don't I go?
Well 
History also tells me that when I go to meetings 
I start off well 
And throw myself in to them 
But then 
I get complacent 
Start to skip them here and there 
And then stop going altogether 
And that is a pattern I repeat over and over 
Another reason I don't go 
Is that I don't always feel like part of the crowd 
Like I don't quite fit in
And that is a horrible feeling
I don't know 
Maybe meetings are not for me
Maybe I can do it another way
But then 
Maybe I should give them another shot 
And take it day by day 
One thing is for sure 
I need to do something 
Because time is going by so fast at the moment 
And before I know it 
My life will be over 

I guess my confidence in myself could be improved 
One of the reasons I am reluctant to pursue education or work
Is thstbibam afraid that I am not smart enough 
Not good enough 
Not pretty enough 
Too quiet 
Too shy 
Too introverted 
That the big bad world would chew me up and spit me out
What I would really love to do 
Is help others with eating disorders and addiction
I have absolutely no educational qualifications 
But I am more than qualified in EDs and addiction
And I really feel I could help others 
Because I have been there myself 
My blog is a huge part of my life
And I sincerely hope that my experiences will go some way to helping others 
As you know 
I don't censor my writing 
I share my story warts and all 
The ups and downs 
The highs and lows 
Every drama 
Every set back
Every triumph and success 
Is documented here 
I don't hold back 
Because I want to be real
And authentic
I don't know how to be any other way

So I am going to try 
Starting today 
I am going to try my best to take my meds properly 
And his day next week
I will asess the situation
And see what changes need to be made 
I am lucky 
I have great support 
Both in my real life
And here in my blog
Do with all your help 
I know I can do this 
And more importantly 
I really want to do this 
And that is half the battle 
So today is day 1
I will try my best 
I will find other ways to deal with my feelings 
I will speak to Breda 
And my doctor if I need to 
I have to do this 
For myself 
For my family 
For Honey and Lea
For all of us 
What is the alternative...?

12 comments:

  1. Ruby, you often say that this blog is your life. May I suggest using it to help you be accountable?

    You are very open about many aspects of your life, but your med history is hazy. As a long time reader I get a feel for when you are hiding something. You are not always honest about your med use, tho thankfully you usually fess up about it in the end.

    Make a truthful list of every single med you are taking, what the dose is, and what you truly need it for. Then be brutally honest with yourself and note if you should be taking it, or cut back on the dose. You don't have to post it for us, but write it down and look at it daily. Tape it to your monitor next to a photo of Honey and Lea.

    You know what's in your heart and what you want and need. You also know how strong you are and how much you can handle. Deep down you know you can handle having your dosage changed. You are in a comfortable place in life, use that as an opportunity to take the risk to improve things.

    Hugs to you dear Ruby. I want you to thrive, find love, and open that tea shop/book store/pet rescue place.

    JJ

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you JJ
    For taking the time to comment
    And for your honesty
    I appreciate it

    You are right
    I have been struggling with my meds for some time now
    And I haven't always been honest about how bad things can get
    I guess there is some denial there too
    But I wrote this post as I really do want to get on top of the whole meds situation
    I'm going to see if I can manage then this week
    And if I can't
    I will ask my mum to help me
    And take them off me
    So she can dole them out to me every day

    I like your suggestion about being accountable
    As I know that works for me
    As it takes away the secrecy
    And I think my addiction thrives on secrets and lies

    Today went well
    So I'm hoping this motivation to change lasts
    And even if it doesn't
    I will be prepared for that

    Thanks again JJ
    I know it's not always easy to tell it as it is
    But it is much appreciated x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's good to hear that today went well. I hope your days continue the same.

      I have faith that things will get better.

      Delete
    2. I'm hoping for that Too JJ

      How are you doing? X

      Delete
  3. Your courage and perseverance are mind-boggling. I like JJ's idea--writing down actual plans and lists always helps me with things.

    You are right, there is no alternative. Remember not to beat yourself up or worry about fixing the meds situation immediately. Take it one small step at a time. You can do this. You've accomplished so much already. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Mich
      I like that idea too
      So I am accountable
      And have it in writing how I am doing

      I don't know about that
      But thank you
      I have no other choice other than to keep going x

      Delete
  4. Dear Ruby, I find what you are doing and what you say here inspiring, because even though I don't suffer from these problems and never have done, I do have bad habits and things I habitually do wrong, and I need to work on those too. Thank you for trying to work on yours. Blessings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you
      For your kind words and good wishes
      I wish the same for you x

      Delete
  5. "afraid that I am not smart enough 

    Not good enough 

    Not pretty enough 

    Too quiet 

    Too shy 

    Too introverted 

    That the big bad world would chew me up and spit me out"


    Yeah. It can be tough. I TOTALLY RELATE But you eventually have to learn to develop a thick hide. I've met a lot of dumb people in enviable roles so i know its possible. I'm trying to get somewhere and I'm pretty dumb. I got turned down for my dream job but I'm going to reapply.

    I decided not to participate in life fully when young because i was so thin skinned and oversensitive. Not good traits. I was perfectionistic about my weight as a hobby. Now i have to be out there fighting and all that jazz. And i know I'm not as talented as younger people. But I've learned to say "screw it" and do it anyway.

    I still think your methadone has been helpful in fighting your ED and other issues because if it werent for that you'd be leading a chaotic life and you never would have made headway. Also you've developed some good routines. I dont see it as morally "bad" like others have implied..."free high". I think that is a major oversimplification and i dont think people know how addictive it is to chase a high illegally. Thats part of tge addiction. People enjoy tge thrills. So yeah, methadone is good at curing that.

    On the other hand you want to be alive and awake. You'll just have to dial it back weekly and cut your unnecessary pharmas like olanzapine.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's hard
    I'm not precious
    Or a special little snowflake
    But I am sensitive
    Maybe too much so

    Yes I think methadone has its good and bad points
    It's good as it takes the chaos out of my life
    And it keeps me stable
    But
    I'm still addicted
    And depend on my methadone so so much
    I guess it's six of one
    Half a dozen of the other x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't mean to imply you were a speshul snowflake
      ..... i just mean i can relate to the fears. I think a lot of people here can. X

      Delete
  7. There is no alternative. We care too much for you.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x