Monday, 30 May 2016


You know the way I've been not weighing myself
And don't even keep a scales in the house anymore 
This morning 
My usual doctor was back 
And as I sat in the seat opposite him
The scales beckoned me 
I asked if I could weigh myself 
He said sure
So I kicked of my trainers 
And walked over to said scales 
I tapped it 
Waited for it to stop flashing 
And tentatively stepped on
The numbers bounced around 
Until they settled on an amount 
I looked 
And registered the number in my brain 
I'm up two kilos 
At first 
I felt massive disappointment 
Failure even 
My doctor asked me what the number was
And I reluctantly told him
I didn't really hear anything else he said after that 
I was lost in my own weight related thoughts 
I left the room 
My head spinning 
I looked at my reflection in the glass on the way out 
I looked the same 
I looked ok
Did these two kilos even matter?
Right then it did
It mattered more than anything else in the world 

I headed up to the pharmacy 
Handed in my script 
And sat down to blog 
I have to say
After the initial shock of seeing the number
I already had a diet plan in mind 
I was already buying a new scale 
And a new notebook to record my weight
But as I wrote 
I was reminded of all the good things on my life at the moment 
I mean
Does two kilos even matter?
I began to feel a little better then
I know my weight can fluctuate wildly 
And I'm actually sorry that I weighed myself 
Nothing else happened this morning 
I didn't gain two kilos since this morning 
And I was ok with my weight this morning
The only thing that has changed since then 
Is that I weighed myself 
I measured my self worth in kilos and grams 
And that is just not right 

So no
I won't be crash dieting 
I won't be weighing myself regularly 
I won't watch what I eat 
This is the weight that my body needs to be at right now 
It's a healthy weight for my height
I am no where near over weight 
Everything is ok
I am ok 
Just the way I am 
At first 
I felt a massive urge to buy a new scale 
But I didn't 
And I won't 
I know that is a slippery slope 
I'm not even going to work out my BMI
It doesn't matter 
Not one little bit 

I just have to keep my eye on the prize 
On all the good things that are happening for me at the moment 
Am I going to let two kilos ruin that?
Absolutely no way 
Not in this life 
Not to this girl 
I actually now regret weighing myself 
No good ever comes from it
And I end up feeling like a failure 
A waste of space 
But the n msun thing is 
That I keep my head and take each day as it comes 
Shift by shift
Hour by hour 
I'm in tomorrow and Thursday for more training 
And I officially start on Friday evening 
A four hour shift
The next four days I have full days 
I just hope I can do this 
and I don't make a total mess of it 
I will do my best 
That's all I can do

Having said all that 
I was wondering about you 
Do you work?
Are you full
Or part time?
How long have you been working?
What do you do?
And do you enjoy it?
Have you any tips for me?
Inquiring minds want to know... Xx

Sunday, 29 May 2016

The Day of Rest

This weekend 
I am taking the opportunity to relax and get prepared for the start of my working week next Friday
I am in for more training Tuesday and Thursday 
Then my first live shift is the evening shift on Friday
That weekend is a bank holiday weekend here 
So I will be working Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday
These consecutive days will really give me a chance to throw myself in at the deep end 
And get stuck in 
Georgina keeps reiterating 
That this job is mainly about common sense 
I just hope I have enough 
I really hope I can do this 
And I haven't bitten off more than I can chew 
I feel like at the moment
There is a huge clock, counting down to my first shift 
D Day 
I am both terrified and excited to start work 
All I can do is my best 
And I will most definitely give it my all
If I can just hold my nerve 
And turn up for work everyday
I really think it will do me the power of good 
With my confidence 
Self esteem
I can't stress enough 
How important this job is 
I really think it will make or break me
But maybe I shouldn't put too much pressure on myself 
Maybe I should take it day by day
Shift by shift 
And go from there 

I went horse riding again yesterday 
I was on Princess
And was instructed by Roisin
For a change 
We went out to the outdoor arena 
As the weather was fine
It felt great to ride out in the fresh air 
I felt so free
Princess is starting to co-operate with me 
But I really need to work on my control of the horse 
We did a lot of trotting 
Jumped some small jumps 
And did a good bit of cantering towards the end of the session 
It was brilliant 
Every time I go 
I just want to do more and more 
I would do it every single day if I could 
It gives me a natural high
A feeling that drugs used to give me 
Except this is better 
There are no negative effects
It's good for me 
I am so grateful to have found something that I am passionate about 
That feeds my soul
It's also something to work at 
To progress and improve 
Something to work towards 
I can't explain to you how much I love it 
I'm actually surprised that I haven't found riding until now 
I guess dancing was my thing when I was younger 
And then I went off the rails after that 
So horse riding never really came up for me 
I've found it now 
And better late than never right?

That's really all to report for today folks 
Life is good 
I am good 
You can't ask for much more than that....

Thursday, 26 May 2016

Long day and lots to learn

I had a full day of training yesterday
Hence why I didn't post
By the time I got home 
My brain was throbbing with the amount of information I absorbed 
So yes
The other new girl, Sinead, and I were in yesterday 
I thought we were just going over a couple of things 
But we were there for six hours in total
And boy was there a lot to take in
Georgina was training us 
And again
She was super clear and direct about what we need to do
And what is expected of us
She went through a massive folder with us 
Of policies and procedures 
She gave us a huge aray of scenarios that might happen while we are on duty
It really was an eye opener
As Georgina told us story after story 
Some very distressing 
She told us about the broad spectrum of people who will be staying in the centre
From women's groups 
To families 
To single people 
To old peoples groups 
Also people with mental health issues 
And addiction
She talked about drugs quite a bit 
And I could feel myself becoming uncomfortable 
And began to wonder if I should tell her about my own addiction history 
I have told her about my ED 
But have not divulged anything about drugs 
I decided to hold off until I was on my own with her 
We had a lunch break at 1pm
And we went down to the old folks house for a much needed cuppa
Myself and Sinead bonded over our respective piercings 
I was told yesterday 
That I might have to remove my piercings 
Which is annoying 
But nothing was said today 
So I'm hoping they won't bring it up again
Sinead is lovely 
She's 19
And full of energy 
Mentally I think I am around her age 
So I think we'll get on well
After lunch 
It was back to run through fire drills 
Panic buttons 
And so on 
We finished up around 4pm
And I was glad to get out and get some fresh air
We do have a dress code 
Which is dark trousers and a dark or white top
So I'm just organising what I do have 
I have a few pairs of black trousers 
All different sizes of course 
But I'm sure I'll find something suitable 

Today again 
Georgina held me back to have a chat with me 
She is keeping an eye on me
And asked me how I felt about the job now 
And did I think it would be too much 
I was honest with her 
And told her that I bounced from being super excited 
To being completely terrified
I also decided to tell her about my drug history 
She took it well
I asked if it changed anything she said not at all
But to not tell everyone about it 
Which I wouldn't anyway 
I explained that I have been stable a long time 
And have great support 
She asked about these supports 
And what my family thought of my taking this job
I told her that my Mum thinks this will be fantastic for me 
And my whole family is behind me
Georgina can see that I am lacking confidence 
But she said working in the centre will be perfect for me
And that I will flourish there 
She also told me that I did a great interview back a few months ago
And that there was a genuine warmth off me 
Which was lovely to hear 
I guess when I feel myself wobble about the job
I refer to my Mum and Georgina
Two strong smart women 
Who have looked me in the eye 
And told me with such conviction
That I can do this 
And not only can I do it 
I will be good at it
It's great to have others believe in you 
When you have very little faith in yourself
I came home yesterday evening 
Absolutely knackered 
My head hurt with the amount of information that it processed
I told my Mam all about the house and the training 
Man thinks it sounds like the perfect place for me to restart my working life
Because the centre is non profit
They are not driven by money 
So where as in one of the hotels 
I would just be a number 
In this job 
I am Ruby 
And Georgina makes it very clear that she wants it to work for me as much as she wants it to work for the centre
Which is why she is so accommodating with the hours
I know I am blessed to work in such a place 
It's a place where I can get a good foundation of confidence and skills
And then being so understanding about my conditions is just a breath of fresh air 

I have a few days off now 
I'm back in for training next Tuesday and Thursday 
Then have my first live shift Friday
I'm using my days off to recharge 
To relax 
To go to my meetings 
And horse riding 
To make sure my recovery is on track 
And that all my ducks are in a row 
It's funny 
Now that I have more in my life 
My ED and addiction have taken a back seat 
Of course 
Life is not perfect 
But now my mind is not preoccupied with thoughts of food and weight 
I don't have a scales 
So I don't weigh myself 
And I don't miss it 
As long as my clothes fit 
And I feel good 
Well that's all that matters 
I can't lie 
I still purge from time to time 
But it is no where near they way it was 
When I was purging 10 - 20 times a day 
I swear I wonder how I managed to get to the age of 34 in one piece!
But I did 
I'm still alive and kicking 
And ready to face another challenge
It's strange to think that as recently as Christmas 
I was really struggling 
But as I always say 
As quickly as things can go belly up
They can also turn around just as fast 
And I am writing this post 
To let you know 
That there is most definitely life after an eating disorder and addiction
This is not a fluke 
Or an accident 
My recovery is down to hard work and determination
I truly believe that anything is possible if you put your mind to it 
I am living proof that your life could be in the toilet 
But you can still climb out 
And live a full life 
I remember Mary saying to me that positivity breeds positivity 
The same with energy 
Once you see a glimpse of what life could be like 
It's a huge reason to keep going
Of course 
My life is not perfect 
I struggle day to day 
With eating enough 
With body image 
With self confidence and self esteem 
I am too hard on myself 
And doubt myself a lot 
But I am doing the best that I can with what I have got
That's all any of us can do 
So please 
Take some comfort in knowing that I was in the gutter 
Addicted to heroin
With a chronic eating disorder 
There wasn't much hope for me 
I was lucky 
My family pulled me through
Never gave up on me 
I have been extremely blessed with the people in my life 
Especially the women 
Strong women are a role model for me
And I'm fortunate to have a lot in my life 
My mother who is my hero
My two sisters 
My aunties 
Ladies at the meetings 
I now know what it takes to be a strong woman 
And some day I hope to be someone who others look up to 

I'm off to have a little rest 
And spend some time with Mam and the dogs 
Wishing you a happy Friday 
And see you on the next post......

Wednesday, 25 May 2016


Before I get in to this post
I want to thank you all
For your comments, emails and texts 
For you well wishes 
And kind words of encouragement 
They mean more than you will ever know
Something that gives me a real boost
Is knowing that all of you beautiful ladies are behind me
And rooting for me
I really feel the love you send my way
And it is much appreciated 
I wanted to reply to the anonymous commenter 
Who implied that I don't have my priorities straight
That I should fit my activities around my job
And not the other way around 
To me 
My riding 
My meetings 
And my appointments are all as important to me as my job
My activities during the week are what keep me going 
Without them 
I know I would go down hill very quickly
So as you can imagine 
I am very keen and determined to keep them up 
For me 
My recovery is a combination of things 
And they are all of equal importance 
Of course in an ideal world 
I would work full time 
And do my bits at the weekend 
However it is mostly weekends that I am working 
And I prefer it that way 
I find weekends can be long and boring 
So I am excited to be busy doing things at that time 
I am down to work on Wednesday 
From 8am - 12pm
So I had to swap with another girl 
And now I am doing the 4pm - 8pm
So I can still go riding 
But this still poses a problem 
In that usually I am wrecked tired after riding 
And the last thing I am wanting to do is head in to put in a four hour shift at work 
I will try it for the first few weeks 
And see how I get on

I rang the other horse riding place today
And they can't facilitate my lessons during the week
So it looks like I will miss riding there for the next while 
Another thing that was suggested to me 
Was that when I go out for my lesson
That I stay for two lessons 
To make it more worth my while 
But I guess I have to accept that things will be a bit all overcrowd place for the next couple of months 
And there is sweet f#*k all I can do about that 
I trust that it will all work out for the best 

I'm off to make dinner for myself and the patient
See you on the next post....

Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Work induction

I'm just back from my first day of work induction
Myself and another girl were there to meet the manager
And to go through what we will be doing 
And our hours 
Most of my hours are at the weekend 
With one short evening shift on a Wednesday
So really and truly it doesn't interfere with my other activities 
I will still get to horse riding Wednesday morning
To my meetings 
And appointments 
Which is great
I'll be working about 22 hours a week
Which means my disability will be effected slightly 
But that's ok
I will get to keep the majority of it
I actually found out this week
That I can only earn €120 or less each week without my disability being effected
So that's less than ten hours a week
Which wouldn't be worth my while
Or my employers 
So any hours over that ten
My disability will be cut on a sliding scale 
I think it will all work out fine
I'm going to do the 22 hours
I think it will be good for me 

We were given so much information today
It was mind boggling 
The other girl there was a lot younger than me 
Early twenties I'd say
But we had a little chat
And she seems lovely 
Georgina is the manager 
And she is very firm but fair 
I like her a lot 
There is no nonsense about her 
She gave us a lot of possible scenarios that could possibly happen 
The holiday centre is a non profit centre for those who ordinarily couldn't afford a holiday 
It is run by a charity called St. Vincent de Paul
They also run a thrift shop
And an elderly care home 
I did the interview for the job back in February
And it has been a long process to get this far
But I am super excited to start working 
Georgina emphasised that the three things key to the centre
Are friendliness, cleanliness and good food 
She really gave us a great introduction to working there 
I'm back in on Thursday to meet the rest of the staff
We finished up at lunch time
And I seized the opportunity to have a quick chat with Georgina 
She needed my bank details and things 
And while we were doing some paperwork
She asked me if I thought it would be too much for me 
As I had explained to her the last time we met about my ED
And how I am in recovery 
I was honest with her
At first 
I felt a little out of my depth
This is my first proper job in quite a while 
And I told her it was a confidence thing with me more than anything else
Georgina assured me that she had every confidence and faith in me
And said I would be like a new woman by the end of the three months working 
It was nice to hear that she believes in me
I just wish I had the same belief in myself 
But I guess that will come in time

I really think this job could be a life changer for me 
If I can just face my fears and anxieties 
Turn up 
And give it my best 
I start officially June 3rd
So I have just over a week to get myself prepared 
I know I'm going to be nervous
Starting a new job is tough for anyone 
And throw in a few mental health issues
And an addiction to drugs
It could all go very wrong
But I'm choosing to be positive 
And to go in with a clear and level and open mind 
I know the first few shifts will be bumpy 
As I get used to their way of doing things 
But I know if I can just hang in there
It could be the making of me 
It could give me back my confidence 
That I so desperately miss
It could help me see that I am capable and able to work
It could even be a stepping stone on to more work 
I'm a hard worker 
And I love to be busy 
Love to be on the go all the time 
And this job will most definitely be busy 
Which will suit me down to the ground 

Because of the nature of the work
I will be dealing with vulnerable people 
People with mental health issues
For some people 
This will be their first holiday
People who might not be used to a structured environment 
Who don't eat three square meals a day 
We are situated on the towns main road 
So anyone can wander in
And it will be up to me to deal with these people 
I hope given the fact that I have experienced a lot in my life
Will help me to be empathetic 
And understanding 
But at the same time
I can't let myself be taken advantage of
Because I think I can be seen as a soft touch sometimes 
I was interested in listening to Georgina today 
As she is so friendly and warm
But at the same time 
I know she takes no shit from anyone
I would love to be like that 
And hopefully this job will help me find my own voice
My own inner confidence 
And self esteem 

Despite my anxiety though
I am going to do this 
I am going to go in with a positive mind set 
Anything I don't know 
I can ask 
And I think throwing myself in at the deep end is good for me
As then I have to figure things out
But you guys 
This is a huge deal for me 
My job will even be put through the books!
Something that hasn't happened to me in a long time 
My last two jobs were cash in hand 
But now I'm going to be a proper Bona fide employee!
How exciting is that?
I'm just so happy that I'm going to be able to fit in everything around my job
It's so very important to me
To be able to go horse riding 
To see my doctor 
And Breda 
And Mary
It's going to be a busy summer 
That's for sure 
But you know what?
This is it
This is me living my life 
Feeling the fear and doing it anyway
This is making huge progress with my independence 
And that is just wonderful for me 
Things are all coming together for me
And I feel alive!

Please say a wee prayer for me this week
I know all you ladies are behind me
And I appreciate that so much
Thank you
You are amazing!

Monday, 23 May 2016

What is happening to blogger?

Is it just me 
Or is blogger really quiet of late?
It just seems to be like a bit of a ghost town 
Where it was once thriving and buzzing
Now it's eerily calm and quiet
I guess blogger is not cool anymore 
Twitter and Instagram are really where it's at
I don't really use any social media apart from Blogger 
I've never really been a fan of Facebook
I do have an account 
But I rarely use it 
Or even look at it
It's just not my thing 
I don't use Twitter or Instagram either 
But am thinking about joining one or both
I am not the most technically minded person 
But I think I could get the hang of it
There was a time 
Not too long ago 
When I depended on blogger for so much 
For support with my ED and addiction
And for social interaction 
As I was getting precious little in my real life
My blog was about sharing my story 
And to meet like minded people 
There was a real buzz about blogger a few years ago
But that seems to be diminishing 
And there is only a small core group of bloggers left 
Where have all the others gone?
I don't know 
I'm hoping that they have moved on from the difficult place they were in
I'm hoping they are now in recovery 
And don't need the support of blogger
I'm hoping they are in some kind of recovery 
I just hope that they are ok
Some of these girls I was very close to
So it's quite distressing when they vanish in to thin air 
The truth is that some of them will have recovered 
Some will have one foot in the disorder 
And one in their ED
And some will still be up to their neck in ED behaviours 
I would love to hear from some of those who have disappeared 
So if you are out there 
If you are reading
Do get in touch 
I would love to hear from you 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
Do you use any other social media?
Which ones do you use?
Are you like me 
And really miss some bloggers who have now disappeared?
Are you in touch with any of them?
Inquiring minds want to know.....

Sunday, 22 May 2016

Looking the part!

I bought my very own riding hat
My Dad and I went in to a shop in town 
It's actually the shop where I buy my dogs food
They have everything in that shop!
I tried on about eight different hats 
Until I found one that fit me perfectly 
Now I feel very much the part 
With my very own boots and hat 
Now I just need the jodhpurs 
And I will be a proper horsey person
Here are some photos....

Saturday, 21 May 2016


I started out the weekend with a riding lesson this morning 
I was back on Princess
But I had a new instructor 
A Scottish girl called Roisin 
Who was lovely
Straight away 
I was having problems getting Princess started 
She was walking at her own leisurely pace 
And was paying very little attention to the fact that I was kicking her over and over 
Roisin said that I looked nervous 
And I felt it
So I'm sure the horse felt it too
I think I am not kicking hard enough
I think I'm kicking strongly 
But it's probably only a tap to the horse 
Eventually I got her trotting 
Although she was pre-empting my directions all the time 
Roisin wanted to work on my position and balance 
So after trotting for a while 
We walked and trotted with my feet out of the stirrups 
The key thing was to relax my legs 
And let them hang 
Which in turn would help my balance 
Then we trotted standing up
And sitting down slowly 
The she told me to drop the reigns completely 
I thought she was joking At first 
But she wasn't 
I felt really nervous to do this 
Especially in trot 
First Roisin told me to lift one hand 
And then the other 
I was doing it!
Trotting with no hands 
It was a real confidence boost 
Roisin said that at the start of the lesson 
I looked stressed and worried 
But by the end of it 
I felt a lot more comfortable 
I did a full hour lesson today
And am now wrecked 
It was great though 
I thoroughly enjoyed it 
And Roisin told me that we can go down to the beach to ride some day
That would be so awesome 
I've always wanted to ride a horse on a beach 
I've always thought it looks so elegant and beautiful 
So that's something to look forward to
In other news 
Life is going pretty well at the moment 
I feel good 
Mood is stable 
I feel steady in myself 
I feel like I am enjoying rather than enduring it
Life is to be enjoyed 
I know that no one is deliriously happy all the time 
Happiness is not a constant thing 
But it is definitely possible to have moments 
And those moments are enough to keep me going 

That's all for today folks 
If there is any topic you would like to see written about 
Do let me know 
I feel like I am writing less and less about my ED addiction
I guess now I am living my life 
Rather than spectating 
And letting life pass me by 
I feel like I am actively participating in my own life now 
And that is so great 
I feel hopeful
I feel positive 
I feel alive....

Friday, 20 May 2016


Because I was in Dublin on Wednesday 
I had horse riding today instead
I got up early 
To walk the dogs and sort their food out so Mam could just give it to them at lunch time
Then I headed in to town to meet Fintan
He picked me up in town at about 10 30am
And we headed out to Keash
The last couple of weeks 
I noticed that Fintan buys a bar of chocolate on the way out
And he eats two squares before riding 
And two squares after riding 
So today I had a bar of chocolate for him
To thank him for driving 
We chatted on the way out 
And arrived in Keash in plenty of time for our riding lesson
We donned our hats and boots 
I was on Star as usual 
And Fintan was on Leroy
A beautiful elegant horse 
For a change 
Myself and Star were in front 
And Star took to it lovely 
We also did a lot of cantering today 
Which was amazing 
I did three canters today 
And it is such a buzz!
I love it! 
And it feels great to be making progress 
We finished our lesson 
And made a cup of tea
I was chatting to the two girls who were in after me 
And they couldn't believe I was only riding a couple of months 
That was lovely to hear 
And it's true 
I've come a long way in a short time 

Last week 
When I told Fintan about my blog 
He asked me to send him the link 
I was hesitant to 
As it is so personal 
And I wasn't sure if I wanted to share it with someone who is in my real life
For some reason
I would prefer strangers to read my blog
Rather than people I know 
Because I can't worry or disappoint strangers 
I would be worried that someone I know would be shocked or scared reading my blog
I write my blog as if no one was going to read it 
Because if I thought about the amount of people reading my blog 
I would never post a word 
So I texted Fintan to let him know that I was a bit wary of sending him the link
Then today he apologised for asking for the link
He said he would never read anything without asking me first 
I was really grateful for his understanding 
And I really do believe that he will respect my wishes and not read my blog 
I did show him the little piece that Healthline wrote about my blog
He was delighted for me 

Tomorrow I have another lesson in the morning 
Which I am really looking forward to 
Something I have noticed recently 
Is that when I don't eat 
I feel very strange 
So really these days 
I need to make myself eat something 
Whether I  hungry or not 
Because I feel faint and not with it when I don't eat 
Note to self: Remember to eat!!

That's all for today folks
See you on the next post...

Thursday, 19 May 2016


Apologies for not replying to yesterday's comments 
The blogger app on my phone is playing up
And it won't let me in to my dashboard 
I could read the comments in my emails 
But I couldn't reply 
So sorry about that 
Thank you though
I really appreciated your thoughts on the subject of body image 
It's a tricky one 
Regaining the weight 
And everything that comes with that 
The comments from others 
It's not easy 
And then comes the transition
From underweight to healthy weight
And when you have a distorted and skewed body image 
That can be quite traumatic 
I guess body image is a fluid thing 
I know I can feel ok in my skin sometimes 
And I don't feel big 
But there are other times when I feel so negatively about my body 
That I can barely function
Today for instance 
I feel quite good about how I look 
And when I say that 
I mean I don't want to tear the flesh off myself with my bare hands 
But yesterday 
I was in Dublin with my Dad
And I felt so uncomfortable in my skin 
So awkward and not myself at all
It's a horrible feeling 
To feel such distain against your own body 
I just have to remember to go by how I feel
Rather than my clothes size 
It's not easy 
But it's the only way that works 

In other news 
I travelled to Dublin yesterday with my Dad 
He had an appointment with a consultant neurologist 
As he seems to be having great difficulty with his hands 
He has lost a lot of power in them 
The muscle is wasting away
And it seems to be spreading up his arms 
I had an early start
And was up at 5am
I drive the half hour in to town u
Then walked 15mins to the train station
To catch the 7am train 
I met my Dad in his home town 
And he joined me on the train at about 8 15am
We arrived in Dublin at 10 am
The hospital is in the north side of the city 
So we quickly found our bus stop 
And headed off 
The bus stopped right outside the hospital
We found the right place 
And settled down to wait
It wasn't a long wait
And my Dad was in and out in about hAlf an hour
Because we were finished so early 
We decided to try and make the lunch time train home
I was eager to get out of the city 
As it was there that I did a lot of my using 
And everywhere I look
I see old haunts and placed I used to frequent 
We cut it pretty fine 
But we made the 1pm train
And I was back home by 5 pm
Dad has to go back up to Dublin for tests 
So there might be another trip on the horizon
I don't mind going with him though
He often did it for me

I also got some exciting news yesterday 
My blog was voted one of the best eating disorder blogs of 2016 by Healthline
If you check out their website you will see all the blogs 
They are all worth a visit 
This is the fourth year in a row that my blog has been included in Healthlines top blogs 
And it is truly an honour 
I am so happy to know that my blog is making a difference 
That it's going in some small way to help fight the battle against EDs and addiction
I remember writing not too long ago 
That items a sad fact that my virtual life was more exciting than my real life 
I had nothing in my real life 
No purpose 
No reason for being 
I had my family and my dogs 
And that is amazing 
But I needed more 
And now that need is being met 
I feel so grateful to be in a good place now 
I just wish I could break off a piece of what I hAve 
And give it to you 
I want to share with everyone what I have found out 
That there is a life beyond EDs and addiction
There is hope 
And there is so much more to life 
We don't have to suffer 
There is a way out 
For a long time I didn't believe that
But now I know differently 
Life is to be enjoyed 
Not endured 
Same goes for recovery 
I am so glad to be moving on
Growing up 
It's a miracle 
My Miracle
And I promise you it's there for you too
You just have to take that first leap of faith
Do it
You won't regret it 
Not even a tiny bit 

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

Body Image

Even though things are going well for me at the moment 
There is still one thing that I struggle massively with
You've guessed it
The dreaded body image
I've always been on the slim side
As a child and teenager
I was very active 
I swam in a competitive level
I also studied dance
So I could basically eat what I wanted
And maintain a trim figure
The only time I've ever gained a significant amount of weight
Was when I was first prescribed olanzapine 
And even then 
I wasn't over weight
I just had more weight on my bones
And of course 
Throughout my addiction and ED
My weight fluctuated wildly 
Up until my ED started
I had never given my weight much thought 
I ate well and exercised 
And was in general pretty healthy 
My size and shape was not something I gave much thought to 
I didn't notice it
I wasn't aware of it
They say ignorance is bliss
And it most definitely was in this case
It was only when my ED developed 
That I became aware of my body 
And how much space I took up
I set about making myself smaller
Because smaller and thinner is good right?
As I have since learned 
Size and shape have precious little to do with happiness or contentment 
I do accept that I see a dirhmdtiuyd I acknowledge that I might not see an accurate version of myself 
But I do believe that I am quite big at the moment 
I have no idea what I weigh 
As I haven't been weighing myself recently 
So in my head 
I am twenty stone 
In reality 
It shouldn't matter what I weigh 
But it is important to me that I maintain my weight at a healthy point
I don't feel good if I am too thin or too heavy
I just want to be healthy and happy
I want to be able to wake up in the morning 
And not have a panic attack about what to wear 
I want to be able to look in the mirror
And not want to cry 
I just feel so big and cumbersome at the moment 
My legs 
My hips 
My tummy 
It all feels like too much 
And it's a horrible feeling 

I guess physical recovery happens at first 
You re-gain the weight 
And that's hard to deal with
It takes much longer to recover
And I am still in very early days 
I'm hoping that my distorted body image will right itself 
I hope that I can grow to love or even just like my body
Because it allows me to do some amazing things 
And it's getting stronger and stronger all the time 
But the main thing is that I am healthy
And happy 
And I feel good in myself 
I think I will always struggle with accepting my body 
Buy that's not just an ED thing 
It's a woman thing 
It's a human thing 
I see all these celebrities on TV 
Who have had work done 
Even young people who really don't need anything done at all 
People are striving for beauty and perfection on the outside 
When the real truth is that beauty comes from within 
It's a cliche 
But it's true 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
How is your body image?
Do you hate/love/like/loath your body?
What do you do to help your image of yourself?
Do you think it's possible to love yourself and your body after an ED?
Answers on a postcard please.....

Monday, 16 May 2016


Apologies for the post free weekend 
The weather here has been glorious 
So I've spent most of it outside
Away from phones and TVs and computers 
As you may know 
Here in Ireland 
We pretty much get pants weather 
As in much rain
Much wind
And an awful lot of cold
But about once a year 
Just to tease us 
Mother Nature gives a little taste of what it's like to live in a sunny climate 
So for the last week
Our weather beaten country has been bathed in sunlight 
And boy do we appreciate the good weather when we get it 
I spent Saturday out in the garden 
In shorts and a vest 
I fell asleep in the sun a couple of times 
And by evening I looked like I was wearing red socks 
And a red t-shirt I was so burned
My skin felt hot and tight 
But it was my own fault 
I didn't wear sun cream
And I stayed out way too long 
It was hard to sleep that night 
As any pressure on my skin was agony 
I woke up the next morning 
Hoping it had begun to turn brown 
But it was still angry and red

Sunday morning 
And I had a horse riding lesson booked 
In the place where I fell off the horse three weeks ago 
I can't lie 
Having no been away for so long 
I was nervous to go back 
I thought about cancelling 
But I wanted to go back 
I didn't want my fear to get the better of me
So I headed out for my 10am lesson
I wore my new boots 
And really felt the part 
I arrived to see that Susan the instructor had a different horse for me 
A beautiful chestnut coloured one called Princess 
Susan said she thought Princess was suited better to me 
As I am 'a tiny little thing'
Princess was also older and slower 
And is what they call a 'confidence giver'
Age was definitely smaller than Sonny 
And more biddable 
I told Susan I was nervous 
So she talked me through everything 
And let me walk around the arena for a while 
Just to get my beatings 
Straight away 
I felt much better on Princess
More comfortable 
More in control 
On Sonny I felt like I couldn't control him 
As we walked around 
Susan constantly spoke to me 
To try and relieve my tension and anxiety 
I decided to tell Susan a bit about myself 
So she knows where I am coming from 
I explained that my previous horse riding was more horse therapy than lessons 
I also told her that I Am recovering from an eating disorder 
And horse therapy is part of my treatment 
Susan immediately apologised for calling me a tiny little thing 
But thdt didn't bother me at all 
I know she didn't mean any thing by Other than making an observation
I felt comfortable enough with Susan to tell her this 
As I just wanted her to know why I am horse riding 
And how my life has been effected 
Including my self esteem and confidence 
Susan was lovely 
And it felt good to be honest with her 
I really have no problem telling people about my past 
I don't feel ashamed 
I don't feel embarrassed 
It's my life 
My story 
At least it was my story 
Now I am writing a new chapter 
Where I throw myself in to life 
Where I live my life 
The way I want to 
Where I work 
I study 
I swim 
I dance 
I ride horses
I laugh 
I love 
Where I don't live a life dictated by drugs or food 

Soon I was trotting on Princess 
And it felt good 
All the while 
Susan was correcting me 
And giving my instructions 
It felt amazing on Princess 
So light I felt like I was floating 
So fluid and streamlined 
I asked Susan if we would try cantering today 
She left it up to me 
I really wanted to try 
As I love to canter 
And I wanted to face my fear
Susan gave me a bit of notice 
Then gave me the sign
As she told Princess to canter 
I held the safety strap
And sat in as much as I could 
I felt Princess speed up 
And I anchored myself in the stirrups 
With my heels down as much as I could 
As we went in to the canter 
I felt comfortable and in control 
It felt amazing 
The speed 
And the power of the horse is exhilarating 
It felt so good to face my fear 
After cantering a few times
I felt so much more relaxed 
Susan said I looked like a different person
Much happier 
And less worried 
I was just glad to have stayed on the horse!
The half hour was over so quickly 
And to cool down 
Susan brought me outside for a wAlk up the lane 
The cool breeze was welcome 
And we chatted some more 
Myself and Susan clicked really well
And I can genuinely see us being friends 
All too soon 
The lesson was over 
We brought Princess back to her stall 
And went around to the office 
I paid and thanked Susan 
And headed for home 
I always feel so good after a lesson
It's a natural high
A real adrenaline rush 
I feel so grateful to have found something that I love to do 
And get so much out of it
I'm meeting new people 
I'm around animals 
I couldn't be happier 
It's also great for my confidence 
And that ripples out to other areas of my life too 
I really feel like I am growing 
Getting stronger 
And feeling more capable and competent 

Today I had my doctor first thing 
My own doctor is away 
So I had Nice Woman Doctor this morning 
It was a quick one 
She asked me about the pancreatitis 
And told me that I should get bloods repeated in a couple of weeks
To check my Amaylase count 
Just to keep an eye on things 
After collecting my meds 
I went for a walk on the beach with the dogs 
We had a lovely time 
And they both went for a swim 
I did a little bit of shopping 
Before heading home 
Mum is still on crutches after her operation 
But she is much more mobile now 
She needs a lot of help 
And I am basically running the house at the moment 
Which I am actually really enjoying 
Of course I Always do my fair share of house work 
But at the moment the majority of the work is down to me 
The cooking 
The cleaning 
And anything that needs doing 
It feels good to be in control 
And I don't mind it at all
On Wednesday 
I am travelling to Dublin with my Dad
He is going to see a consultant about his hands 
His hands have lost a lot of power 
And the muscle seems to be wasting away 
Which also seems to be spreading up his arms 
He needs a lot of help 
He can't button his buttons 
Can't open jars 
Anything that requires grip or power he can't do
I am really hoping that there is something that can be done to help 
As he is really disabled as he is 
Fingers crossed 

So yes 
Things are ticking along nicely 
I feel good 
I feel well and strong and content 
Life is good 
And it's amazing to be able to say that 
I Am so grateful to be in a good place 
God knows it's taken me long enough to get here 
But better late than never right?
I feel hope for the first time in years 
I feel like I have a shot at living a happy life 
I feel positive 
I feel strong 
And I am loving life 
I can't ask for more than that.....

Friday, 13 May 2016


The weather in this part of the country has been glorious for the past few days 
Gone are the hats and scarves that were needed a few short weeks ago
And out come pale arms and legs 
They have been hidden away all winter 
Usually I don't welcome the summer 
Because of the good weather
Which means wearing less clothes 
Which means being a bit more exposed than I am comfortable with
This year 
I'm just not going to worry about it 
I'm not going to stress about what I look like 
Because in the grand scheme of things 
It doesn't really matter
My family and friends will love me no matter what I look 
No matter what size or shape that I am
And as long as I am healthy 
As long as my clothes fit me
And my body is functioning well
I don't need to worry about it
It seems the older I get 
The less of a shit I give about what people think of me
And that is a great feeling 
I no longer try to fit in 
Or belong 
I can just be me 
And that is enough

Here are some photos of me and my best girls...

Thursday, 12 May 2016

Decisions, decisions....

Now that I've been offered a job 
I'm having to juggle things around 
To make sure I can fit everything in
I really want to continue horse riding 
Which is at least one day a week
And I definitely need to keep going to meetings 
2-3 a week is a must 
I also have to factor in the fact I am caring for my mother at the moment 
And am pretty much running the house for the foreseeable future
I will be working about 24 hours a week
Which equates to three shifts 
So I've decided to postpone my course until September 
The course will always be there 
The job might not 
I am super excited to start working 
To be a working woman 
To have extra money 
To be out and about in the world 
I anticipate that the job will be very hard work
Both physically and mentally 
But im up for the challenge 
I feel ready to throw myself in to it 
I'm in a good place now 
My weight is stable 
My mood is good 
I feel capable, able and strong 
And I think this job could be the making of me 
There are just a few more ducks to get in a row 
I need to apply to the disability section of the social welfare 
My psychiatrist wrote me a letter 
Stating that the job would be of therapeutic value 
And so allow me to keep my disability benefit 
So I will get that done today 

Horse riding was so much fun yesterday 
It's so exciting to start cantering 
I really feel like I'm making progress each week
And that is an absolute joy!
Riding is helping me in so many ways 
It's something to look forward to every week 
It's really a whole day out for me each week
It takes an hour to drive there 
But I don't mind at all 
Because I love it so much 
I would travel three hours if I had to 
The healing power from horses and riding is incredible 
As you know 
I feel a great affinity with animals 
And get so much out of being around them 
It also helps with my confidence 
As I am out mingling and chatting with others 
I'm still a little shy and quiet 
But I know I will get there 
I know if I keep doing the next right thing 
I will be just fine 

As I wrote yesterday 
It feels like things are finally fitting in to place for me 
It's only taken me nearly 35 years
But at least I got there 
I think back as recently as Christmas 
I was so very lost 
Losing weight 
Losing my mind 
I felt like I was a little lost soul wandering around 
Not knowing what I was doing 
Or where I was going 
I had no direction
And I felt like I was drowning 
Like life was swallowing me up and spitting me out 
But I hung in there 
And things slowly began to change 
It was Mary who first told me about the horse therapy 
Our health service subsidies the horse riding as part of therapy 
So it only costs us €15 a lesson
Which is really good value 
If I could 
I would love to ride every day 
And maybe in the future I will
It has turned out to be a real passion
Something that fills the hole that drugs and alcohol left 
And that's what it's all about 
Finding healthy and meaningful ways to not only cope with life 
But to really enjoy life 
They say if you do what you love
You will never work a day in your life 
I am somewhat late finding out what I want to do in life 
But better late than never right?

I haven't experienced much happiness in my life 
And I don't think happiness is a constant thing 
At least for me it's not 
It's more like moments of happiness 
Here and there 
But at the moment 
Right now in my life 
I am as close to happy as I have ever been 
As well as happiness 
It's a feeling of contentment 
A feeling of steadiness 
A feeling that I am on the right road 
That I am doing things that I love 
And that feeds my soul 
It such a relief to let go of all the self hatred and self loathing 
To stop caring so much what others think
I spent far too much of my life 
Trying to fit in
Trying to be part of the crowd 
And trying to get people to like me
But somewhere along the line 
I was trying so hard 
That I got lost along the way
I lost myself 
I used to mirror people 
If you were loud 
I was loud 
If you were quiet 
I was quiet
I didn't have the confidence to be myself 
So I copied you 
And figured that was the best way to be liked 
But now I know different 
Now I know that it doesn't matter one iota what people think of me 
If I am living my life in a good way 
With friends and family around me
If I am doing my best 
To be a good and honest person
Then it really doesn't matter what people think of me 
If I can lay my head down at night 
Knowing I lived that day to the best of my ability 
Then I can sleep well
With a clear conscience 
I thank my higher power for getting me through the day 
Without hurting myself or anyone else 
If I can do that 
Then it's been a good day 

It takes a lot of courage to be yourself 
In a world where there is so much pressure on us to conform
Especially on women 
To be all things to all people 
To be a mother 
A sister 
A daughter 
A worker 
A partner 
We are pulled in so many different directions 
It's hard to make time for us 
Time to just relax 
And recharge our batteries 
I guess I missed all the years where you develop your personality and your character 
Usually that happens in your teens and early twenties 
But as you know 
I was otherwise engaged during those years 
So I never really got to grow in to a young woman 
I found myself in my thirties 
Feeling like a 21 year old 
The body and face 
Did not match what was going on inside 
I know feel like I am playing catch up to everyone else 
Like I am ten years behind 
But that's ok
I will get there eventually 
I just need to hang in there 

Today is a good day 
I feel positive and hopeful about the future 
I feel like I have a fighting chance at life 
A happy life even 
And people 
If I can get through this 
Then I promise you 
You can too 
It's possible 
Recovery is possible 
It's a precious gift 
We just have to reach out and grab it...

Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Good news!

Today was a busy day
I got up early
To walk the dogs 
Mum was going back to hospital to have a check up
And I left the house at about 9am
To meet Fintan in town 
And we were going to head to horse riding together 
We arrived early 
So we decided to go in to the supermarket to get carrots for the horses 
When I walked in to the stables 
The horses heard the rustle of the packet 
And we're all looking very interested in said carrots 
We all got ready 
And began our lesson
It felt so good to be back today 
I really missed riding last week
And I got such a lovely welcome back from everyone 
We had a lovely lesson 
And I also got to canter today
Which was exhilarating!
One of the lads led me on Star in to the canter 
And it felt amazing 
The power of the horse 
The breeze on your face 
It's absolutely thrilling!
I watched Fintan canter 
And he is doing amazingly well
It's definitely something to aspire to
And to work towards 
Eilish gave me a pair of riding boots to wear to the show  
And today I asked her if I could buy them
She told me to keep the boots 
Which was extremely nice of her
So now I have my very own pair of bona fide riding boots
I'm chuffed 
We got back in to town at about lunch time 
I had a few bits and pieces to do 
Got a cuppa 
And then bought some work out clothes 
A pair of leggings 
And a light jacket 
So happy with that 
I also had a couple of jobs to do for Mam
Before heading home

I was just in the door
And sitting down with a cuppa 
When my phone rang 
I didn't recognise the number
Then I heard the voice 
And I knew it was the lady from the job I applied for 
She had some good news for me 
The job is mine if I want to take it!
And I can just work the twenty hours a week that I am allowed 
You guys 
I am so excited!
I actually got a job offer!
A real live job!
I must admit 
I really thought it wasn't going to happen
But it has 
And I am over the moon!
I start officially in June 
But I will be trained this month
So each week I will work two and a half shifts 
This news has made my day 
Now I will be a working woman!
A functioning member of society 
Paying taxes 
And generally paying my own way 
Now I will be able to save some money 
I won't be broke anymore 
I will actually have some money in my pocket 
And won't be counting the penny's at the end of the week

It really feels like things are coming together for me now 
Like a jigsaw slotting in to place 
Life is sweet 
And I am blessed to have such brilliant and amazing people around me
Who without, I know that I would not be in such a fortunate place 
I think this job will be great for me 
For my confidence 
My self esteem 
And general self worth 
I will be quite the busy bee now though
I will need to work hard to fit everything in
As well as horse riding 
My dogs 
And meetings  
I will need to plan my days carefully
And make sure I am taking care of myself 
Eating well 
Sleeping good 
And generally mind myself 
So yes 
I accepted the offer 
And am super excited to start working 
And be part of working world 

Right now 
The future looks bright 
There was a time 
Not too long ago 
When I couldn't think about the future without working myself up in to a ball of anxiety 
It was so uncertain 
So unstable 
But now 
Well now I have a place I go to each week
Where I feel accepted and part of the group
I get to spend time with animals 
I get to forget about all my issue
For that's hour 
It's just myself and Star
I never fail to come away from riding with a big grin on my face 
I feel so grateful today 
There is much to feel good about 
Thank God 

Tuesday, 10 May 2016


I went back to my meetings today
I attended the lunch time AA in my area
I got such a lovely welcome back from everyone 
I was so touched by all the hugs and kind words that I received 
I actually opened the meeting today
So that was good for my confidence
The meeting itself was great
It's always good to listen to other recovering addicts
I always come away
Feeling a little bit more peaceful 
A little bit stronger 
I shared too
About my hospital admission
And especially around the painkillers
I have to admit 
I am missing the Tramadol
I miss that sleepy feeling 
The warm waves that rush  through your body 
But I know 
I know what's in store for me if I continue down that road
Prescription or no prescription
If I am using said drugs to get a buzz
In a mood and mind altering way
Then in my book
That is using 
That is being in active addiction
I know I'll get over this 
I just need to hold steady 
Stay strong 
Attend my meetings 
Keep in touch with friends 
And generally keep my side of the street clean 
Even since Christmas 
I can feel a change in myself 
My mindset 
My confidence 
And self esteem 
I feel more sure of myself 
More in control of my own life
And that my friends 
Is huge!

In other news 
I going back to horse riding tomorrow 
I can hardly wait!
I've haven't been riding in about ten days now 
And I have missed it so very much!
Tomorrow I am getting a life with Fintan
Who is in my riding group
We both go the same way
So it's just as handy for us to travel together 

I've been wondering about weighing myself 
I'm wondering should I buy a new scales 
Or continue weighing in my doctors like I have been doing 
I do want to know my weight 
But I think once a week is more than enough to weigh
So I was wondering what you thought
Do you weigh?
Or maybe you don't weigh at all?
How often do you weigh?
Do you think it matters?
Inquiring minds want to know...

Monday, 9 May 2016

To Tramadol or not to Tramadol.....

Monday morning 
And back to the usual routine 
Saw my doctor first thing 
He asked about pain
I said that had a little bit 
He checked my abdomen 
To see where the pain was
And prescribed a medication for ulcers
I can't lie 
I was so tempted to ask for Tramadol 
I really was 
I didn't 
I figured why make life difficult for myself 
A relapse is a slippery slope
Why invite that kind of shit in to my life?
I need to be awake 
As my mother needs me
So I resisted 
To distract myself 
I asked if I could weigh myself 
I had no clue what my weight was 
As I have no scale at home 
And hospital and being sick always messed with my weight
So I'm down about a kilo since the last time I weighed 
And just a bit lower than my target weight in hospital 
So I am happy enough with that
As happy as a person with an ED can be with their weight
I have bigger fish to fry 

My course was cancelled today
So I find myself at a loose end
Although it's nice to have a few hours to myself 
I must give you an update on the lunatic driver 
That tried to ruin the Darkness into Light walk
After he ploughed in to the crowd 
He actually hit one person
Who suffered minor injuries 
Not long after 
The mini was found in a ditch
The driver had been drinking all day
And was out of his mind 
I hope they lock him up
What a really horrible things to do
To try and scare the shit out of hundreds of people 
Who are trying to do something good 
He didn't succeed in ruining it for us 
In fact 
This year was the most enjoyable Darkness into Light walk to date 

So things are ticking along nicely at the moment 
Apart from my little holiday on Tramadol last week
I am doing just fine 
I know if I continued to take the Tramadol
I would be hooked before I knew it
And I'm supposed to be caring for my mother for the next few weeks 
I can't do that if I am out of my head
It can happen so quickly and so sneakily though 
They say while you are in recovery 
Your addiction is doing press ups 
Getting stronger 
While I was in hospital 
I took advantage of their liberal prescribing ways 
I asked for sleeping tablets 
Which I got 
And didn't really need 
I asked for more painkillers 
Which I also got 
I know I can be manipulative 
I can play people
But I didn't want to bother my doctor this morning 
And also 
Things are going so well at the moment 
It would be such a shame if I relapsed again 
I'm just not willing the let that happen

In other news 
I got word that my prospective employer rang my two references 
So I'm thinking that's a good sign
They both gave me a glowing report 
Which I am so grateful for 
Given my history 
There aren't a lot of people who I can get a good character reference 
But the two I have are pretty solid 
One is my elderly neighbour 
Who I help out a lot 
And the other is the owner of the little pizzeria I used to work in
So hopefully I will be offered this job 
I will most definitely take it if I am

I will be back horse riding Again this week 
And I can't wait to get back on the saddle 
To see Star 
And to see everyone else 
I missed it do much last week 
So it's great to get back to it 
That's where I get my kicks these days
So no 
I don't need external substances to make me feel good 
I can look inside myself 
Use my own reserves 
And be strong 
I don't need drugs 
I don't need to escape 
I can do this 
I can live in reality 
And heck
I might even enjoy it!
Thanks for your concern after my last post 
And you are right 
I probably should never have been prescribed it at all 
That's ok 
I will get through it

I'm off to make lunch for Mam
See you on the next post....

Friday, 6 May 2016

Darkness in to Light

You may remember last year 
And the year before
My Mum, my sister and I did the Darkness in to Light walk for Pieta House
Pieta House help families and individuals dealing with suicide
The idea is we start the walk in the darkness
And as we walk dawn breaks
We finish in daylight 
We woke up at 2 45am
To start the walk at 4 15am
This year we went to different location
And it was lovely 
Apart from one thing 
We had just started the walk
And my sister and I were just chatting
When we heard a car reving behind us
We turned around and saw a Mini Cooper travelling at high speed towards us
My sister pulled me out of the way
And the dogs 
The mini flew by us in to the crowd
I swear I could see my life flash before my eyes 
At the very last second 
The driver slammed on the brakes 
And stopped literally inches from the crowd 
The screams were blood curling 
As everyone tried to get out of the way
The mini continued up the road
Terrifying everyone
I don't know what happened next
But I hope the police caught him
What an absolute asshole
What kind of a person does that?
Deliberately scaring the beJesus out of people 

Apart from that 
The walk went great
Honey and Lea came too
Poor Lea was struggling towards the end 
But we all made it home safe and sound 
Here's the photos....


Is it just me
Or does blogger seem eerily quiet these days?
I check my reader a few times a day 
And there are hardly ever any new posts to read
I guess Instagram is more popular these days 
And Twitter
But still
A lot of people seem to read this blog
And I get emails every day from readers And other writers
That is the great thing about writing this blog 
I never know what is going to happen because of it
I put myself and my story out there
As I want to speak for the cross addicted community 
As well as the ED community 
I feel my story is worth telling 
As it's not fairytale 
I didn't live happily ever after
Life is tough 
There are many many bumps in the road 
This last week proved that 
With both myself and my Mum being hospitalised
My pancreatitis couldn't have come at a worse time 
And hospital admissions are a real pain in the ass
But I'm home now 
And on the mend 
I spent yesterday getting the house in to some sort of order 
And also looking after Mam
I made her meals 
Helped her have a shower
And anything else she needs doing 
My sister is relieved I am home
As it takes some of the pressure off her
The only thing is that I'm going to miss horse riding for the next couple of weeks 
Unless I can organise a lift from someone 
I will really miss it 
As I love it so much 
Equine therapy has helped me in so many ways 
Building a relationship with Star has been amazing 
And he did me so proud on Sunday
He's a small horse 
But has a big personality 
I think we are perfectly suited
Being with animals really feeds my soul 
I find they aid with healing too
As they are so in tune with you 
For instance 
My two knew there was something going on last Sunday
As they were extremely and unusually quiet 
That's not like them at all
But yes 
Horse riding has been a life line
It has helped with my confidence in a big way 
And my self esteem
Growing in confidence has helped me with riding 
And that translates in to my every day life as well
If you had told me six months ago that I would be competing in a dressage show 
I would have laughed at you 
But I'm so glad I did it 
It really gave me a boost
There is the social side of horse riding 
I have made new friends 
Amazing people 
When we go riding 
We leave our problems at the door 
And have a laugh and a joke
There is great craic and banter 
If I could 
I would ride every single day
And I spend the whole week looking forward to Wednesday 
It's been better than any medicine 
Any therapy 
And any meeting 
I guess you find what works for you 
By a process of trial and error
Now I have found something to live for 
A reason to get up in the morning 
A purpose 
And that feels so good

In other news 
My neighbour just rang me
To let me know that the lady from  the job rang her for an reference 
I'm taking that as a good sign
That they are keeping me in mind 
If I do get the job
I don't know how I'm going to manage everything 
And I have doctors orders to rest and take it easy 
But I will play it by ear 
I really want to continue my course 
And if I get they job 
They are going to clash 
I will have to choose one or the other I guess 
Watch this space I suppose 

I met a friend yesterday 
A girl I used to be friendly with 
But we kind of drifted apart 
She also has addiction and ED issues 
So it's good to talk to someone who is in the same boat 

That is it from me today 
I'm a busy bee looking after Mum
See you on the next post....