Monday, 30 May 2016


You know the way I've been not weighing myself
And don't even keep a scales in the house anymore 
This morning 
My usual doctor was back 
And as I sat in the seat opposite him
The scales beckoned me 
I asked if I could weigh myself 
He said sure
So I kicked of my trainers 
And walked over to said scales 
I tapped it 
Waited for it to stop flashing 
And tentatively stepped on
The numbers bounced around 
Until they settled on an amount 
I looked 
And registered the number in my brain 
I'm up two kilos 
At first 
I felt massive disappointment 
Failure even 
My doctor asked me what the number was
And I reluctantly told him
I didn't really hear anything else he said after that 
I was lost in my own weight related thoughts 
I left the room 
My head spinning 
I looked at my reflection in the glass on the way out 
I looked the same 
I looked ok
Did these two kilos even matter?
Right then it did
It mattered more than anything else in the world 

I headed up to the pharmacy 
Handed in my script 
And sat down to blog 
I have to say
After the initial shock of seeing the number
I already had a diet plan in mind 
I was already buying a new scale 
And a new notebook to record my weight
But as I wrote 
I was reminded of all the good things on my life at the moment 
I mean
Does two kilos even matter?
I began to feel a little better then
I know my weight can fluctuate wildly 
And I'm actually sorry that I weighed myself 
Nothing else happened this morning 
I didn't gain two kilos since this morning 
And I was ok with my weight this morning
The only thing that has changed since then 
Is that I weighed myself 
I measured my self worth in kilos and grams 
And that is just not right 

So no
I won't be crash dieting 
I won't be weighing myself regularly 
I won't watch what I eat 
This is the weight that my body needs to be at right now 
It's a healthy weight for my height
I am no where near over weight 
Everything is ok
I am ok 
Just the way I am 
At first 
I felt a massive urge to buy a new scale 
But I didn't 
And I won't 
I know that is a slippery slope 
I'm not even going to work out my BMI
It doesn't matter 
Not one little bit 

I just have to keep my eye on the prize 
On all the good things that are happening for me at the moment 
Am I going to let two kilos ruin that?
Absolutely no way 
Not in this life 
Not to this girl 
I actually now regret weighing myself 
No good ever comes from it
And I end up feeling like a failure 
A waste of space 
But the n msun thing is 
That I keep my head and take each day as it comes 
Shift by shift
Hour by hour 
I'm in tomorrow and Thursday for more training 
And I officially start on Friday evening 
A four hour shift
The next four days I have full days 
I just hope I can do this 
and I don't make a total mess of it 
I will do my best 
That's all I can do

Having said all that 
I was wondering about you 
Do you work?
Are you full
Or part time?
How long have you been working?
What do you do?
And do you enjoy it?
Have you any tips for me?
Inquiring minds want to know... Xx


  1. Numbers are so meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I've been toying with the idea of ridding myself completely of weight, food portions, even the number of miles I ride on my bike. Numbers only distract me from truth and beauty. :)

    I do work...full time. For the most part, I've held a full time job since I left years. LOL! I have an easy desk job in a warehouse, where I churn out paperwork for aircraft parts. The only stress is coworker drama and shipment deadlines. I'm probably selling myself really short by sticking with this job, but it's only a paycheck to me. My real fulfillment comes from everything I do outside of my job.

    1. I agree SW
      They mean nothing
      And I am seeing more and more that they are just numbers
      They don't define me
      We are too complex to be defined by a number
      I've been struggling massively with body image since I weighed myself
      So I won't be doing it again in a hurry

      Is there any job you would love to do?
      What is your dream job? X

  2. It is crazy how you can feel fine and then you weigh yourself and suddenly you look different. The reflection distorts right in front of you and you can't stop it. I'm glad you managed to rationalise your thoughts and push through it.

    Yes I work, I'm currently in treatment and slowly returning to work so I don't even do enough to qualify for part time hours at the moment, but otherwise I do work full time and should be back doing that in a couple of months. I've worked full time since I've left uni and I currently work for a charity, it's stressful but I do like that I am working towards something good.

    Tips: leave your work at the office don't bring it home with you. If you're sick take a sick day! The amount of times I was ill and carried on working and just made myself worse. Work hard but don't overwork yourself, work to live not live to work! Be punctual, ask questions if you don't understand, show dedication and initiative! You won't be expected to know what to do straight away it takes months to learn a job! So enjoy it, they picked you for a reason remember so have confidence in yourself :)

    Good luck!!

  3. Yeah i do work full time which is amazing since i have messed up my life big time. I started part time which was fine but i need the money esp as i plan to buy a new car soon.

    As far as tips go - "you can't please all of the people all of the time".

    Shelby xoxo


    That is all. <3


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