Thursday, 20 July 2017

July Update

Two months of work done now
About seven weeks to go
Over the last couple of weeks 
I've been struggling quite a lot 
Even though I try my best at work
I still feel like other people do it better than me
They seek to cope better
Be more confident 
More efficient 
And generally not capable than me
My bestie tells me if I hear nothing, then nothing is wrong
Which I guess is true 
But I am constantly looking for reassurance that I am doing ok
I'm nearly 36 years old
And I feel like a little girl that needs her Mommy to tell her that everything will be ok
I'm a bit of an odd ball 
And I'm sure people think I'm a bit strange 
Aa I find it hard to mix in groups 
I am fine one on one 
But in a group I have a social handicap 
That's me though 
It takes me a while to become comfortable with people 
Yet again I find myself wondering if people like me 
And wanting them to like me
And probably trying too hard to be liked and accepted 
It shouldn't matter though 
I'm there to do a job
It's not a popularity contest 
It really shouldn't matter what people think of me
At all
I know I am trying my best at work
And that's all that matters
I find myself in this situation a lot
When I was doing my course 
I was convinced the others didn't like me 
But even after I left 
They still keep in contact 
So I was very wrong about that one!

In other news 
My car has been giving me huge problems 
I was driving in to the garage yesterday 
When a warning noise started 
And then smoke started coming out
I stopper immediately and got out 
But my car was on a narrow road 
So I needed to get it off the road 
My Mam was there so at least I had a lift 
Four very kind men stopped and helped us pushed the car off the road
The garage recovered my car in the afternoon
And it wasn't good news 
The clutch in it is bangjaxed
It will cost €800 to fix
I do not have that kind of money to hand 
So I need to make a decision about whether to get the work done 
Or to change my car for a better one 
It's stressful
As I need a car 
For work
To see Coco 
I need it for my freedom and independence 
So I guess I will have to do something

I was listening to something on the radio this week
About the grown up children of alcoholic or addicted parents 
How they are more likely to be anxious and insecure 
How their foundation has been rocky and so they carry that in to their adult life
It was very interesting and I could relate to a lot of it 
Myself and my sisters all suffer with addiction and mental health issues
We struggle with feeling not good enough
And generally find life tough
I look at some of the girls I work with 
Who are younger than me 
But seem so much more together than me
I struggle just to get to the starting block
So it seems everyone is running way ahead of me
Of course my life has not been straight forward 
And I have dealt with an awful lot 
I am happy just to be alive 
Anything else is a bonus
I am grateful to be where I am 
And things could be a whole lot worse 

I'm still horse riding and loving it
I go 2-3 times a week
And it's is just heaven 
Sitting in a horse 
Galloping down a beach
Doing little jumps 
It makes all the tough days worthwhile 
On Saturday 
Myself and a friend did a beach trek
 A two hour trek
I was riding a big fella called Bouncer 
Fionnuala was on Tom
Kate was our leader on Skippy
And there was a girl at the back riding Laura 
We walked down to the beach 
Then we spilt up
Fionnuala and Laura went to walk the sand dunes 
And myself and Kate went down to the main beach for a canter 
I swear to God Bouncer shot off like a rocket 
Abc was running full pelt down the length of the beach
It was both terrifying and thrilling in equal measure but I thoroughly enjoyed it
After that 
We went back up to meet the others 
And walked back to the centre through the fields
Myself and Fionnuala dismounted our horses 
And were walking around like John Wayne 
The next day I was in pain 
But it was a good pain 
An almost enjoyable pain

So I think that is all my news
I am thinking of re enrolling in the horsemanship course 
I feel a bit more ready now
And ultimately this is what I want to be doing 
But first things first 
I'm just concentrating on getting through work 
And hopefully I will be back on the road soon

That's your July update sorted 
Thanks for reading 
And for being there..

Thursday, 6 July 2017

Honey, holidays and huge amounts of gratitude

Today is Thursday
And my working week is finished 
I work Sunday 12pm-8pm
Monday 8pm-4pm
And Tuesday 8-4pm
24 hours a week
Which is nice
I am really enjoying work 
I can feel my confidence boosting 
And my general well being is very good
It's a great feeling to know that I am working 
Earning money
Out and about in the world meeting new people
I especially love that I am helping people enjoy a much needed break away
I love that our centre makes a difference in people's lives
A lot of that is down to my manager 
She is an amazing person
Just 40 years old 
She has been running the holiday centre and the old people's home beside it for the last 12 years
She really sets the tone in the house
She is efficient yet friendly 
Firm but fair
Hard working but always has time to chat
She is a fantastic role model
And I admire her greatly 
She always takes the time to ask me how my Dad is
And also how I'm feeling with my low confidence and self esteem
It really is the perfect place to re introduce myself back in to the working world 
And of course it's brilliant to have a few extra pounds in my pocket
In September 
I am treating my Mam to a little holiday
I will go horse riding
And Mal will potter around and relax in the hotel
So that's something to look forward to
I can't wait!

In other news 
Honey is going back to the vet on Saturday 
About her remaining eye that looks cloudy and blood shot
She has already been to the vet here
But she sent me home with no answers and told to just wait and see
And charged me €40 for the privilege 
So we are going back to the vet who removed her eye three years ago
As he is the best of the best
Honey is ok
If a bit cranky
But we are just worried that she will lose the eye she has
I mean I don't know if a dog can live a comfortable life with no eyes
I guess I would have to keep her inside 
And she would need a lot of support
But I would be willing to do that if it meant she gets to stay around 
Lea is also having a check up too
Even though they are both old ladies now
I feel sure they have a few years left in them
They have literally been by my side for the past 12 years
I can't imaging life without them
They bring so much life to our house
I feel safer and calmer knowing they are there
They are fantastic company too
I just love them so much 
And dread the day that I don't bring them home

What else?
I'm still going to my doctor every week
This morning my usual doctor was away 
So I saw 'Nice Woman Doctor'
She is lovely 
Told me she had listened to my radio interview 
And had also read some of my blog
I felt a bit naked when she said this
As I forget that I was on local radio
Talking about something so personal
She was lovely though
And told me there was a huge change in me
There is I guess
Both physically and mentally and emotionally 
I have moved on from the sick, addicted lonely girl that I was 
And am living my life in a way I never have in my whole life
Even though I have been through so much in my time
I feel extremely blessed to have the life I have
I am well and healthy
I live with my Man who I love dearly
And we get on great
I have amazing brothers and sisters
Two dogs and a pony who I adore
I am in a good place
Have great friends
I am lucky to have a job I love
Hobbies that feed my soul
My life is far from perfect
And I am no poster girl for recovery
But I am now happy and content with what I have
I want for nothing
And I believe my family and friends would move heaven and earth to help me

The past couple of weeks
Cocos owner has been avoiding me
Not answering my calls or texts
So yesterday I decided to phone him from my Mams phone
And lo and behold he answered
I was pretty annoyed and I let him know so
He told me that he's very busy with work and couldnt be dusty
What alias of old shit