Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Happy New Year!

I am now at the weight that I was before I got ill
A weight where my BMI is 19
I've lost almost 20 pound since the start of November
Quite a lot I guess
In a short space of time
I feel a lot better at this weight
More like myself
And I think it suits me much better
I didn't feel comfortable at the weight I was
Even though I was still in healthy range with a BMI of 23
So now I just have to maintain this weight
Easier said that done
As you know
With anorexia
The goal posts are always changing
You reach one goal
And feel a sense of satisfaction for about 5 minutes
Before it's full steam ahead to the next goal

I know that I am on dodgy territory
I know that I need to be careful
But hopefully this is just my weight settling down
And that I will stay in or around this weight
I know that if I lose any more
I will be on shaky ground
My binging and purging has increased dramatically over the last couple of weeks
I am hoping that it is the stress of the holidays
And that I will get back on track when it's all over
But I guess now is the time for new starts
And fresh beginnings
A time to make change
To start off on the right foot
2014 has been a rollercaoster to say the least
Family issues
New car
Did the Pieta House night walk
Spent two weeks in London
Mary left
I gave up smoking
Lea's fur grew back
I turned 33
My sister came home from Australia
I threw my scales in to the lake
I smashed my ashtray
My methadone was reduced to 18mls
And was then increased to 22ml
I did a mindfulness course
I made new friends
I felt hope for the first time in forever
So much has happened
And most of it good

As for New Years resolutions
I tend not to make any
Because I like to do things when I feel ready
Not just because it is January 1st
But this year I am making one
And that is to save money every week
This is the whole reason why I gave up smoking
Because I wanted to have some extra cash
But of course I found other things to spend my money on
So I haven't saved a penny yet
I am notoriously bad with money
The minute I get it in to hand
I feel like I have to spend it
So this will be a challenge
But I am determined to do it

I am having a quiet night in tonight
With my Mum and Auntie B
I brought them both for lunch earlier today
It was so lovely to be able to pay for them for a change
So I am now in my pyjamas
I have a cup of tea
And a box of celebrations
Which I am going to inhale....

Happy New Year to you and yours!
I hope 2015 is the best yet!

Tuesday, 30 December 2014

The year in photos

So it's the end of another year
2014 has been eventful to say the least
Instead of me telling you about it
I thought I would show you the year in photos
Here goes......

Bye bye cigarettes

Sunday, 28 December 2014

Winter walk

My mum, my brother and his partner, my sister and I
And of course Honey and Lea all bundled in to the car yesterday to go for a winter walk
We walked for a good hour
Before we headed for dinner in a cosy pub 
Here are some photos of us messing
And to the anonymous commenter who said that I looked 'disgusting' in my Christmas photos
You'll have to be more creative with your insults to get me to stop posting photos
Try again....

Saturday, 27 December 2014

My name is Ruby and I am an addict

So today is the 27th
Christmas came and went
And my Mother and sister and I think it was a roaring success
And all without a drop of alcohol
Actually thinking about it
That's probably why it was such a success
When I was growing up
Christmas day was always the day to get paralytic drunk
Everyone from my Dad to me drowned the day in alcohol
That is apart from my Mother who rarely touches a drop
We would all get get merry
And have a great time
Then we would cross over in to drunk
A fight always broke out
Someone would insult someone
Someone would get angry
Someone would cry
It always ended in tears
I don't miss that one bit
I can remember as a child hiding in my room
Listening to my parents fight
My father was a horrible drunk
Saying and doing really mean things

One by one
Over the years

We all gave up the drink
My father because he almost lost everything
Including me
My sister because she was losing her son
My other sister as it was a cause for concern in her life too
And me because mine was really getting out of hand
There is rarely alcohol in my house
Most people know that none of us drink
But I have to say
I do miss a drink
The last drink I had was last Christmas
At my uncle's wedding
I had a glass of bubbly
And a couple of vodka and orange juices
I was slightly tipsy
Not drunk

I would love if I could drink in moderation
Have one or two
And leave it at that
But I never seem to be able to do that
Once I start I just find it very hard to stop
Take my brother for instance
Last night he had two glasses of red wine
And left it at that
I could never do that

My family is kind of split down the middle
We have my mother
Who has two brothers and one sister
There seems to be no trace of addiction on her side of the family
Then we have my father
He has nine brothers and sisters
And almost every one of them has addiction issues
Then we have me and my two sisters and brother
My sisters and I all have had a brush with addiction
But my brother seems to have no problem is that area
It seems to be the luck of the draw

I grew up with addiction in my own house
The word itself was in my vocabulary from a young age
I know that I have the type of personality that can become addicted to anything
When I was a child it was white bread and sugar
Then as I grew in to a teenager
I became somewhat addicted to shoplifting
Then smoking at 14
Other drugs and alcohol
And heroin at 18
Which brought me to my knees

But my addiction comes in many weird and wonderful forms
Over the years I have been addicted to all kinds of things
Weighing myself
Diet pills
Sleeping pills
The internet
If something makes me feel good
I want it again and again
And nothing will get in my way

Addiction is a terrible affliction
There is no doubt about that
It not only effects the addict
But like a ripple in a pond
It effects everyone around them
Not only does the addict get sick
But the whole family gets sick
Addiction very nearly tore my family apart
Actually it did
And it took us years to heal
We are still healing in a lot of ways
With addiction there is always a lot of learning
And a lot of growing
I had the opportunity to go to treatment a few times
And the things that I learned there have stayed with me
It was an amazing experience
I remember when I was there
We used to say that everyone should go to treatment
Not just addicts
Because you learn and grow so much there
Even though addiction very nearly ruined my  family
In a lot of ways it brought  us closer together
We weathered the storm
And came out stronger

Having an addictive personality means that I think differently to other 'normal' people
I do believe that us addicts are slightly different
We have a unique slant on things
That van be both a good thing and a bad thing
I know that I can be super sensitive
I can over think things
And twist them in my mind
But I am also more sensitive and more aware
I like that

Being an addict is part of who I am
Would I change it?
Life would be easier yes
Of course
But I wouldn't be me without it
If I lost my addiction
I would lose all those little quirks and foibles that make up my personality
So no
I wouldn't change it
My name is Ruby and I am an addict

Friday, 26 December 2014


I just wanted to share this photo of me photobombing my uncle and my brother
It gave me a giggle
Hope it gives you one too.....

St. Stephen's Day

It's the day after the night before here
We are all tired and groggy after yesterday's celebrations
I am still not feeling great
But better than I was in the run up to Christmas
Today will probably be spent in front of the TV
What with all the Christmas specials on
I hope you had a peaceful and relaxing day
I got on some sneaky shopping on Christmas Eve
Here's what I bought.....