Saturday, 27 December 2014

My name is Ruby and I am an addict

So today is the 27th
Christmas came and went
And my Mother and sister and I think it was a roaring success
And all without a drop of alcohol
Actually thinking about it
That's probably why it was such a success
When I was growing up
Christmas day was always the day to get paralytic drunk
Everyone from my Dad to me drowned the day in alcohol
That is apart from my Mother who rarely touches a drop
We would all get get merry
And have a great time
Then we would cross over in to drunk
A fight always broke out
Someone would insult someone
Someone would get angry
Someone would cry
It always ended in tears
I don't miss that one bit
I can remember as a child hiding in my room
Listening to my parents fight
My father was a horrible drunk
Saying and doing really mean things

One by one
Over the years

We all gave up the drink
My father because he almost lost everything
Including me
My sister because she was losing her son
My other sister as it was a cause for concern in her life too
And me because mine was really getting out of hand
There is rarely alcohol in my house
Most people know that none of us drink
But I have to say
I do miss a drink
The last drink I had was last Christmas
At my uncle's wedding
I had a glass of bubbly
And a couple of vodka and orange juices
I was slightly tipsy
Not drunk

I would love if I could drink in moderation
Have one or two
And leave it at that
But I never seem to be able to do that
Once I start I just find it very hard to stop
Take my brother for instance
Last night he had two glasses of red wine
And left it at that
I could never do that

My family is kind of split down the middle
We have my mother
Who has two brothers and one sister
There seems to be no trace of addiction on her side of the family
Then we have my father
He has nine brothers and sisters
And almost every one of them has addiction issues
Then we have me and my two sisters and brother
My sisters and I all have had a brush with addiction
But my brother seems to have no problem is that area
It seems to be the luck of the draw

I grew up with addiction in my own house
The word itself was in my vocabulary from a young age
I know that I have the type of personality that can become addicted to anything
When I was a child it was white bread and sugar
Then as I grew in to a teenager
I became somewhat addicted to shoplifting
Then smoking at 14
Other drugs and alcohol
And heroin at 18
Which brought me to my knees

But my addiction comes in many weird and wonderful forms
Over the years I have been addicted to all kinds of things
Weighing myself
Diet pills
Sleeping pills
The internet
If something makes me feel good
I want it again and again
And nothing will get in my way

Addiction is a terrible affliction
There is no doubt about that
It not only effects the addict
But like a ripple in a pond
It effects everyone around them
Not only does the addict get sick
But the whole family gets sick
Addiction very nearly tore my family apart
Actually it did
And it took us years to heal
We are still healing in a lot of ways
With addiction there is always a lot of learning
And a lot of growing
I had the opportunity to go to treatment a few times
And the things that I learned there have stayed with me
It was an amazing experience
I remember when I was there
We used to say that everyone should go to treatment
Not just addicts
Because you learn and grow so much there
Even though addiction very nearly ruined my  family
In a lot of ways it brought  us closer together
We weathered the storm
And came out stronger

Having an addictive personality means that I think differently to other 'normal' people
I do believe that us addicts are slightly different
We have a unique slant on things
That van be both a good thing and a bad thing
I know that I can be super sensitive
I can over think things
And twist them in my mind
But I am also more sensitive and more aware
I like that

Being an addict is part of who I am
Would I change it?
Life would be easier yes
Of course
But I wouldn't be me without it
If I lost my addiction
I would lose all those little quirks and foibles that make up my personality
So no
I wouldn't change it
My name is Ruby and I am an addict


  1. Hi Ruby,

    I am A*. Destructive, multiple personalities and almost snowed in today!

    And I like you, with or without the addictive personality. Christmas is over, time to prepare on our pinky promise and make 2015 better. ;-) or...... at least try to have some happy days, right?

    (L) from a very very very snowy Netherlands.
    (I sang 'let it snow, let it snow, let it snow' but I did not expect to be taken so seriously)

    1. Let's do it A
      Let's make 2015 our year
      It will after all, be the year that we meet hopefully
      And will be able to pinkie promise in person

      Oh it's snowing there?
      It snowed here a bit today
      Not enough for my liking
      I would love to be snowed in

      You are amazing A
      I am so glad to call you my friend x

  2. A list of my i cant have.having babies.sleeping.staying up.self out staying in.talking too much. sleeping pills silene .dangerous sports.hiding away.look at others and wonder why i cant just be normal? Xx

    1. I can relate
      So much
      Sometimes I wish I could be normal too
      But I kind of like the mad little world I live in
      At least it's not boring x


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