Sunday, 31 July 2016


I write this post a very sad and confused Ruby
It's been a crazy week
I saw on Facebook last week
That I guy I was friends when I was growing up was missing 
And had been for a few days
I wasn't worried at first 
And there was no panic to begin
Just concern that he was ok
In fact 
This guy had been more than my friend 
He had been my first ever boyfriend when I was just 14
We went out for about ten months 
Which is a lifetime when you are that age 
I went to the girls school
He went to the local tech 
We met every day after school
Smoking cigarettes and stealing kisses around the back of the church 
We wrote each other letters 
And because we both loved The Doors 
We addressed each other as Pamela and Jim
How cringey 
But also how cute
After a few years 
We hooked up again 
After we lived in the same neighbourhood
It didn't last 
As I was going off the rails with drugs 
I kept an eye on FB during the week
But there was no sign of him
On Friday 
I saw messages of condolence on social media 
But I still didn't know what had happened
I went in to work yesterday morning as usual
Still none the wiser
I got a text from a girl I went to school with 
I figured it was about this guy 
So I took a few minutes to ring her
She confirmed it 
He was dead 
I asked her what had happened 
She explained that he had been working in the UK
And had been home for a short while 
He had been suffering with mental health issues
And was experiencing depression and paranoia 
My friend thought that this may have been due to drug abuser over the years 
He hung himself 
He was 36 years old 

Even though he was suffering 
He sought no help
And wasn't under the care of a doctor 
Or any other professional
This news breaks my heart 
Another young man lost to suicide
It's confusing 
It's disturbing 
And deeply upsetting 
My heart goes out to his loved ones 
He will be missed
I just hope he has found some peace
God knows he deserved it
I was in work when I heard this news
And I confided in my work mate 
It was good to talk about him
And remember him
I rang my Mam to tell her 
She would have taught this guy in school
It hit her hard too
And she was in tears as I explained about his death
I was on a short shift 
And was only working until 12pm
But to be honest with you 
I kind of wish that I had been working longer 
At least then I wouldn't have been thinking about him so much
I have so many lovely memories about this guy 
And I guess he was my first love 
I guess there are so many what ifs?
If only he had talks to someone 
If only he had asked for help 
If only I had kept in touch with him
I can't imagine what was going through his head
That he felt his only option was to disappear from everyone 
Tie a knot in a rope 
And end his short life 
It's just so very sad
I despair 
I really do

It seems that suicide is becoming an epidemic in this country 
Heck I've been there myself 
In a situation where I thought my family would be better off without me 
That things would never improve 
And that death was the only release from the pain I was in
I have moved past a place where life scared me more than death
I feel more able to cope with life 
And whatever it throws at me
This is what we need 
The tools to deal with life 
Because heaven knows life is not a straight path 
There are so many bumps and obstacles along the way
But we do our best 
And that's all we can do

This morning 
The parental unit and I went to mass at the holy well
It's a mass for the sick 
So Dad wanted to go to get blessed 
I also got blessed 
And I lit a candle for my friend 
Hoping that he has now found peace

They say that suicide is a selfish act 
I don't buy that 
The person who is suffering often feels like they are a burden to their loved ones 
And that they are better off without them
They believe that they are relieving their family of stress and worry 
But of course that is not the case 
Suicide leaves a trail of grief and destruction
Confusion and deep loss 
Death is just so final 
And especially when it is a young person
Who had everything to live for 
I feel quite empty 
Like life is sometimes pointless 
We live 
We die 
And we get a very short space of time between the two
For a long time 
I placed no value on my own life 
I didn't care whether I lived or died 
It just wasn't important to me at all
But now 
Now I want to live 
I want to be alive 
And part of this world 
I just wish that my friend had reached out and asked for help 
It's too late now
RIP Michael
You are loved and missed...

Friday, 29 July 2016

This is.....

This is me 
A 34 year old woman
I am Irish 
I am a daughter
A sister 
An auntie
A doggy mama
A friend 
An employee
A horse rider 

This is me 
I struggle with mental health issues 
Including addiction
And eating disorders
I now consider myself to be in recovery 
I am in recovery 
It's a journey 
Not a destination

This is me 
I am a good person 
I have done bad things in my life 
But inherently 
I am a good person 
And I do my best every day 
To not hurt myself or anyone else 

This is me 
I may be 34 
But inside 
I still feel 16 years old 
I still have a lot to learn about life 
It's all a learning experience 

This is me 
After years of illness 
I am now working 
And have been working for the past two months 
I can feel my confidence growing every day 
I feel valued and appreciated 
Work has been a life saver

This is me 
I have a little crush on someone 
It makes for some very interesting day dreaming ahem..
I don't know if I am imagining it
But I think he might like me too
At least I hope he does 

This is me 
I've made my fair share of mistakes through out my life 
But I am trying to fit all the pieces of my life back together 
I'm not perfect 
But I'm trying to be the best person I can be 

This is me 
I'm not beautiful 
I'll never be a stunner 
But I work with what I've got 
And make the best of it 

This is me 
I'm overly sensitive 
I bruise easily 
I think too much 
And am pretty quiet 
But get to know me 
And you will see I am truly a nerd with a very sarcastic sense of humour 

This is me 
I don't expect everyone to like me 
Or agree with me 
And that's ok 
We won't fall out over it 
We will agree to disagree 

This is me 
A woman 
A person 
A human being 
A collection of cells 
Why am I important?
I'm not really 
But I do matter 
And I deserve a good life 

This is me 
And I'm doing my best...

Thursday, 28 July 2016


Yesterday was a long day
I went horse riding in the morning 
Which as always was brilliant
We are now concentrating on our technique 
Our position 
Our leg position
It was all a bit confusing if I am honest 
But I am just trying to concentrate on one thing at a time 
And hopefully it will all come together in the end 
Star was in great form yesterday 
And was truly a joy to ride 
Even if he does spend quite a lot of time trying to bite me 
He lives up to his name every week
He is a star
We also did some cantering 
Which is exhilarating 
Every time I do it 
I get butterflies in my tummy 
But then it is just pure enjoyment and fun 
It's a buzz 
The kind I used to get off narcotics 
It's amazing to have found a natural high 
So bloody amazing 
After riding 
We had a quick cuppa 
Before heading off
As i had to work at 4pm
I get a lift to riding with Fintan every week 
He picks me up in town at 10am 
And we head out 
We always stop in the village 
To buy carrots for the horses
And a bit of chocolate for a bit of energy 
Myself and Fintan have become great friends 
And we have discovered that we have an awful in common 
Not just the horse riding 
Fintan is what they call a para rider 
As he has a condition that effects his muscles 
I really enjoy his company every week
And we always have a good laugh 
Sometimes we have serious conversations too
But whatever the topic 
We always enjoy it 
We keep in contact during the week too
In fact I am just off the phone from him
He is about 15 years older than me
So I get to see the benefit of his experience 
Which is great 
Especially where the riding is concerned 
It also has shown me what true friendship looks like 
And Fintan is fast becoming a very good friend 
In fact I have made a few new friends recently 
At work too
And slowly but surely 
I am letting go of people who have thrown me the scraps of friendship 
And expected me to be grateful for the fumes of friendship
I made the mistake of depending on one person 
And when that person inevitably lets me down 
I have nothing 
There is one particular girl 
Who blows hot and cold 
And often lets me down 
Now I can see that I don't have to put up with that shit 
I deserve better 
I am a good friend 
If you are my friend 
Then I look out for you 
I have your back 
I'll be there to laugh with you through the good times 
And let you cry on my shoulder through the tough times 
But treat me badly 
And I don't stick around 
You won't see me for dust

After riding 
I went to my favourite shop 
To stock up on dog food 
Before heading home 
I was home just after 2pm 
And had to work at 4pm
I forced myself to eat something 
As if my brain is not fed properly 
It just won't function
And I generally feel all over the place 
So I had some tea and toast 

Another little issue im having is my Meds 
If I am working 
I usually don't then until I get home
But yesterday for example 
On the way home from riding 
I was yawning non stop 
And my eyes were streaming 
The first symptoms of opiate withdrawal 
So I took my methadone when I got home 
And waited to take my Meds until I got home from work 
But it flags a problem 
In that I do need to sort out the way I take them 
So I guess I will talk to my doctor next week 

So yea 
Life is good 
And my faith in the human race was restored yesterday 
When I was in the super market 
And when my items were scanned. I realised that I didn't have my wallet with me 
In a fluster 
I apologised to the check out guy 
And said that I would have to leave it 
I was walking away 
When someone called me back 
The man behind me in the queue paid for my shopping!
How nice was that?
I thanked him
And was really blown away
It was only a few euros 
But the gesture was huge 
So today 
I did my good deed 
And picked up an old man who was walking in to the village in the pouring rain 
And it felt good to pay it forward 

Apart from that 
All is well 
I'm working
I'm also working on my recovery 
I'm getting out there 
Mixing with people 
I'm getting out of the house 
And out of my own sick head 
I'm doing my best to be a good person 
And every day I ask for help to not hurt myself or anyone else
God knows things were sour for long enough
But that just makes the good times that bit sweeter 

That's me over and out for today 
I will love you and leave you 
And see you on the next post 
I must post some photos too
As I haven't done that in a while
See you soon....

Monday, 25 July 2016

Day off

It's Monday morning 
So that means a day off for me
Which is very much welcome
Given I worked four long shifts over the weekend 
Work was quite busy
With 60 guests staying 
All separate families 
Which makes it that bit more difficult than one big group
As they come for their meals in dribs and drabs
And it's harder to keep track of numbers 
So many kids too
Big families with lots of little ones 
Which meant the food was everywhere 
On the floors 
On the walls 
In cups 
On the chairs 
But mostly they were grand 
Even though we were busy yesterday 
I took the time to play hula hoop with the kids outside 
They also wanted to meet the chef 
As they thought the dinners were lovely 
Then later on they wanted to see them again
While I was cleaning the dining room
They all came in and wanted to help 
So I gave them little jobs to do to keep them busy 
Which was help for me too
I was wrecked when I got home each day 
But it's a lovely natural tiredness
That I feel I've really earned my rest
The dogs have had to adjust to my working 
My sister often brings them for a walk the days I can't 
But their routine is still very much the same 
So I'm not worried about them 
There were a lot of sad stories in work this week 
Families dealing with bereavement 
It's heart breaking 
And we do all we can to make their stay memorable 
It's hard to get time to spend chatting with the guests 
But we do our best 
That's all we can do

Monday morning again 
And doctor day for me 
We chatted about work 
And my meds reduction last week
Which went fine 
I was telling him about my Dad 
As I have an update on his health
You might remember a couple of months ago 
I went with my Dad to Dublin to see a consultant 
As over the last couple of years 
He has been losing the power in his hands and arms 
Tests were done 
And he was told that he had possible motor neuron disease
So last Thursday he travelled to Dublin again to see the top neurologist in the country 
And it was confirmed that he does have MND
We have all been very worried
As the prognosis with this condition is not great 
But in fact 
He received better news than he was expecting 
He was told he has had MND for three years 
But out of four stages 
He is in stage one 
Also it is slow progressing 
And he is on the 30% that has the mildest form
Even though the diagnosis is devastating 
We are in the best possible situation
So that's something to be grateful for 
Apparently it kills younger people quicker 
Dad is nearly 70 
So it won't progress as rapidly 
We will look after him 
He won't go through this alone 

In other news
My statistics have shot up in the last few days 
Getting over a thousand hits every day 
I am wondering why this is 
And if some of my posts have been shared on social media 
Don't get me wrong 
It's great to be reaching so many people 
But it does make me slightly paranoid knowing that so many people are reading 
So I've kind of been holding back and censoring my writing recently 
There are many things going on in my life that I don't feel comfortable sharing 
Just yet 
Including a love interest 
But it's early days 
So I will keep that to myself for now 
And also about the girl at work who seems to have taken an instant dislike to me
But that's a whole other post 
I was wondering if you know why my stats have sky rocketed
Because I sure don't 

I can't quite believe that it's almost August 
And I've been working for two months now 
I will have work in to September 
And my manager told me that if anything full time comes up 
She will keep me in mind 
And that is fantastic 
As working has been a huge turning point for me 
It's doing me the world of good
There was a little bit of a disagreement In work last week 
In that some of the staff weren't pulling their weight 
And our manager had a word with them 
Two in particular had a good talking to
And I think they kind of blamed each other 
I was then worried that I had not been doing my work to a high enough standard 
But my manager assured me that she had no concerns with me 
Which was a relief 
The two girls were working together yesterday 
And you could cut the tension with a knife 
But yes 
I am loving work 
The routine 
The structure 
Being busy 
Meeting people 
The money of course 
It's all good 
And it is amazing to be able to say that 

As regards my ED
It's going ok 
My weight is stable 
My mood is good 
On the days I work I absolutely make myself eat 
As my brain goes to mush if it is not fed and watered properly 
I just can't think straight 
And i go all peculiar 
But I know I need to eat and drink correctly too
Otherwise I just can't function
I was dying to weigh myself in the doctors this morning 
But I resisted 
No good can come of it 

That's all the news for the day 
Another working week over 
I feel such a sense of fulfilment and satisfaction 
As well as independence 
I have my own money 
And can with it what I wish
So that is me over and out for today 
Happy Monday 
And see you on the next post.....

Thursday, 21 July 2016


You know the way a girl might have a fat day
Well I am having a fat week
Every time I look in the mirror 
I see my moon like face 
Big boobs 
A tummy 
And I generally feel the size of a baby elephant 
It's not fun 
And it has made me very curious as to what my weight is 
I contemplated buying a scales today 
But what would that do?
Other than wreck my head 
I mean my clothes still fit 
They don't feel any tighter 
But still 
I feel huge 
And I hate feeling this way
I could go on a diet 
But we all know how quickly a diet can turn in to a spectacular relapse 
Been there 
Done that 
Bought the extra small t-shirt

I saw Mary this morning 
We had a nice chat 
I hadn't seen her in a few weeks 
So I filled her in about all that has happened 
She asked me about purging 
I was honest 
I told her that the days I am working 
I don't purge at all
But on my days off 
I find it much tougher 
And more often than not will purge after my meals 
Eating in work is great 
As I sit down with the others at the table 
And I don't even think about purging as I am so busy
So I guess I need to implement the same tools at home 
Mary then told me that she is going to formally discharge me 
That we have come to the end of therapy 
I thanked her for all her help and support over the last few years 
She said that she loves her job 
Because she gets to see people go from the depths of despair 
To the high of getting well
Mary has been instrumental in my recovery 
She is now a big part of my story 
When I was leaving 
She gave me a big hug 
And told me to ring her if I ever need to 
And with that 
I wAlked out of the therapy office 
And in to the rest of my life 

In other news 
I was very bold yesterday 
And overtook my meds 
I haven't done this in a long time 
I'm not even sure why I did it 
But now I deeply regret it 
As I worried my family 
And I just know I shouldn't do that 
But look
I will take the learning out of it 
And move on 
I could spend the whole day beating myself up 
But what would that do?
Nothing I suspect 
It was a mistake 
You live and learn 

I'm working the whole weekend starting tomorrow 
It's going to be a long few days 
And I'm going to be on my own at home for a few days 
By its all worth it when I get a pay cheque at the end of the week

I'm off for a cuppa 
See you in the next post....

Monday, 18 July 2016

Happiness is.....

.....when your neighbour whose known you for the past 12 years 
Tells you that you have bloomed and blossomed since starting work

I must apologise 
For my lack of posts 
My lack of comments 
Even my reading your blogs 
Blogger used to be my whole world 
I immersed myself in to the ED community 
As I had no real life to speak of 
I turned to blogger 
And the people here 
For social  interaction
For support 
And friendship 
My ED was all consuming 
I can remember so clearly 
All I did every day 
Was either binge and purge like a maniac
It not eat at all 
As recently as Christmas 
My life was a shit show
I was a mess 
A hot vomit stinking bony mess
I am beyond that now 
It is all a memory 
Instead of being my reality 
Life then took off like a rocket 
As the pieces of my life began to slit in to place 
The rest as they say 
Is history 

But yes 
I was over with my neighbour today 
She asked about work 
And said I had bloomed and blossomed since starting 
She said that even the way I carry myself is different 
This was so lovely to hear 
As I guess I don't always see the changes in myself 
I do know that I feel more confident 
More sure of myself 
I suppose that comes from my job dealing with people all day every day
Your self esteem can't help but grow 
This week in work 
We were talking about what we will do for our end of season staff party 
There have been lots of suggestions 
But our ages range from 19-60
So it's hard to think of something that will suit everyone 
If you have any suggestions 
They would be greatly appreciated

In other news 
My methadone was reduced today 
So I am now on 22mls 
It's both thrilling and terrifying 
My doctor has been trying to reduce it for the past few weeks 
And I have been putting up resistance 
But today 
I was all out of excuses
And had to bite the bullet 
It's only a 2ml drop
And I know I won't even miss it 
But still 
It's hard 
It's scary 
I don't like it 
Although to be honest 
Some days I completely forget to tAke my meds 
As my mind is on work 
When I come home from work 
I am so tired 
And fall asleep meds or no meds

All in all 
Things are good 
Life is good 
I feel good 
I have no earthly clue what I weigh 
And quite frankly my dear 
I don't give a damn
Ten bonus points if you can tell me which film that quote is from....

I wanted to thank you 
My readers 
My friends 
My blogger family 
For sticking by me on this roller coaster of a ride we call life 
Every step of the last four years has been documented here 
From the depths of despair 
To the highs of finally finding recovery 
Things are going well for me now 
And I can only hope that my story gives you hope
That you too can get well
Can recover 
And can have a life after ED and addiction
Because it is possible 
It is a reality for me and many others 
In saying that 
I have been in that place 
Where recovery seems nigh on impossible
Like something that happens to other people 
I've been crippled by my illness
But I promise you 
If you can just take they first difficult but crucial step
You will see the benefits immediately 
And you will want more 
Because now 
I can honestly say 
That I want to live 
I want to be alive in this world 
As uncertain and scary as it is right now 
I still want to be here 
Death has never scared me
Life always scared me more 
And it still is scary 
But I feel like I am in a place where I can tackle it 
So please 
If you do one thing today 
After reading this 
Give yourself a break
Put down the whip 
And do something nice for yourself 
God knows we are so hard on ourselves 
We would never treat others the way we treat ourselves 
Because you matter 
You are special 
There is no other you 
And the world needs you 
Even if you think you are insignificant 
You're not 
You are wanted and needed
I promise you that 
So let's do it girls 
Let's stop bullying ourselves 
Putting ourselves down 
Berating ourselves 
We are intelligent 
And smart people 
We matter to those around us
Never forget that....

Thursday, 14 July 2016

Catch Up

A catch up is well over due 
I seem to be blogging less and less now
That is both a good and a bad thing
Life is busy and full
I work four days a week
Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday
On my days off 
I catch up on house work 
Horse riding 
And appointments 
Up until today 
My wages have been emergency taxed
Which meant almost half my pay was taken 
But today 
I got a lovely surprise 
When I checked my bank balance 
And saw that it had all been refunded 
What a lovely way to start the day
I was able to give a lot of money towards the house
And towards the new washing machine we need 
Which was a lovely feeling to be able to do that 
I also heard back from the disability section of social welfare 
I had to send them some pay slips 
So they could means test my disability against it
I did everything above board and legit 
And in actual fact 
My disability was reduced by only €8
Which is fantastic!
My work is considered therapeutic 
So I get to work 
And keep my payment 

But yes 
Work is going really well
I can feel my confidence improving every day 
I've made new friends 
I'm thriving in my new environment 
And feel like I can do my job 
And do it well 
Because I did a couple of shifts for one of the girls last week
I have had the last few days off
Which has been nice 
But I do find myself getting a bit bored on days when I have nothing on 
I'm definitely going to see if I can continue working after the summer season
As I feel it is doing me the world of good 
The routine 
The structure 
The satisfaction of having earned my own money 
It's all adding up to make one very happy Ruby 
I am now six weeks in to work 
I can remember back in May
Just before I started 
I was beyond nervous 
And was fully prepared for the fact that it might not work out 
In fact I was almost expecting it to go belly up
Even after my first day 
I still felt like it wasn't sinking in
But like a lot of things 
I had to give it a chance 
And time to settle in 
Which when I started to relax
Began to happen 
The centre is busy these days 
Full capacity is 60
And a lot of those are children
And when the weather is bad 
No one goes out 
So the place is like a bomb hit
But that's ok 
It keeps me busy and honest 

In other news 
I am loving my new hair 
I really need to go and getting it done more often 
As it really gives me a boost 
I went back to horse riding yesterday too
Which was brilliant as always 
My canter is getting better 
As I continue to improve 
Star is amazing 
Even if he did stand on my foot yesterday 
I travelled to horse riding with Fintan
We always have a great chat and laugh 
We stop to get the horses a bag of carrots on the way 
And the minute they hear the rustle of the bag 
They are all looking over 
And kicking the doors of the stables
I've decided not to go back to the other stables 
And stick to horse therapy 
I told Fintan yesterday 
That I had been taking other lessons 
He didn't think it was a good idea either 
I kind of felt like I was being sneaky doing other lessons 
Plus the fact that the other lessons were harsher 
I was put in a group with much more experienced riders 
I was pushed to do things I didn't feel
Comfortable doing 
And more often than not 
I came out of the lesson feeling deflated 
So I think I will stick to therapy 

As regards my ED
It's in the background these days
I can't lie 
I do still struggle with purging 
But it's not every day 
And it's not impinging on my quality of life 
I've accepted that this is as good as it gets for me 
At least for now
I hope that in time 
I will phase it out completely 
I am eating a lot better though 
I eat three meals and snacks 
When I'm working 
I have my breakfast and lunch there 
And I'm so busy 
That I don't get a chance to think about restricting or purging 
Since I started work six weeks ago
I have purged once in work 
And I am determined to keep that behaviour out of my work place
I have no earthly clue what I weigh 
Really and truly I can't even make an educated guess
But my clothes fit 
And I feel healthy 
So let's go with that 
I am done measuring my self worth in pounds and ounces
I am done being a slave to my scales 
My clothes are a size 8
I think I look ok
So why would I ruin all that 
By putting a number on it 
And you can bet your ass that if I did weigh myself 
It would start off the cycle of hating my body 
And manipulating my food and weight 
I turn 35 in a few weeks 
I've been addicted and eating disordered for 16 years 
I will never get those years back 
But you know what? 
I don't regret a thing 
My experiences have shaped the person I am today 
And I would hope that I am a good person 
Doing my best to live my life as well as I can
I try to be a good person 
I try to be the best that I can be
I know that I am blessed with a strong family behind me 
And good friends around me
I have two beautiful dogs 
A job I love 
I live in a place where I am surrounded by beauty 
I have enough money 
Enough food 
A roof over my head 
A warm dry bed to sleep on
I know I am luckier than some 
And I am incredibly grateful for that 
My life is charmed compared to some 
And I appreciate everything that I have
I have always noticed 
That in support groups 
It tends to be those over 30 that seem to be doing well 
This makes sense to me 
As in your twenties 
I think you are still growing up 
And still think you are invincible 
Going out a lot 
Pushing boundaries 
I know for me 
I was in my thirties when I finally sorted out my drug addiction and alcoholism
And now my ED
I guess I was burned out 
Sick and tired 
And ready to give up the hard living 
As it just wasn't worth it anymore 
The negatives massively out weighed the positives 
I wanted something more out of life 
In addiction 
Nothing is real 
Your feelings are fake 
Your relationships are fake 
Your reality is fake 
I now want something that is real
And honest 
I am done living that life 

Today is a good day 
I feel positive and hopeful 
And that my friends 
Is a minor miracle 
Let me tell you 
It is hard work staying clean and sober 
On top of managing an ED
It is so worth it 
And I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China 
So please 
Take some comfort from the fact that I came through all this 
And you most certainly can too
I know it seems impossible 
But I promise you 
If I can do it 
So can you 
Recovery is the best gift you can give yourself 
It's right in front of you 
You just need to reach out and grab it 

Thursday, 7 July 2016

New Do....

Having worked almost 30 hours last week
I decided to treat myself to a hair cut today 
I really wanted to go all grey
But when I spoke to my hairdresser
She advised against it 
As the colour is so severe on the scalp and hair 
And what with my having psoriasis
She advised me against it 
Having looked at the other colours she had 
I decided to get a full head of ash blonde high lights 
I have to admit 
I was a bit nervous as to how it would turn out 
But seeing the finished result 
I was really happy 
I also got a good bit cut off the ends 
So that really tidied up my look
Enough with the words 
On to the photos....

Saturday, 2 July 2016

Busy bee!

It's 2pm on a Saturday
I have just finished the morning shift at work
I worked yesterday's evening shift
And tomorrow I'm on all day
It's busy at work at the moment 
We have 53 guests staying 
Most of whom are children under 12
So the place needs a thorough and rigorous clean after each meal time 
The group that are staying with us this week are what we call travellers 
You may know them as gypsies 
Travellers in this country generally live in caravans 
On the road from place to place 
To be honest 
They have a bad name in this country 
But like any group of people 
It's a few bad eggs that ruin it for everyone 
So I was a bit worried how this week would go 
As you often hear of fights breaking out at traveller events like weddings and funerals
But I have to say 
The people are just lovely 
A pleasure to have staying with us 
The parents are great
The children are polite 
And they do their bit to help us stack the dirty dishes 
And throw left overs away 
Coming here is these peoples one and only holiday a year 
So I really try to make their experience a good one 
I try to be friendly and chatty 
TAlk to the kids 
And generally make them feel very welcome 
One family brought a dog with them 
But they aren't allowed bring it to their room 
So the dog is staying in the car 
I did see the man sneaking in something under his jacket this morning 
I turned a blind eye 
I would not like to have the poor dog cooped up in the car for days

In general 
I think work is going well
It's busy 
It's hard work 
But I feel like I am thriving 
I can feel my confidence growing every day 
Even just talking to people 
So many different people every day 
Helps my self esteem 
And how sure I am of myself 
I can remember just a month ago 
Before I started
I was so nervous 
Afraid I wouldn't be able to do the job 
And that it wouldn't work out 
Here I am 
Four weeks later 
And I know what I am doing 
I feel confident and sure about my work 
And meeting new people 
Who are now friends is amazing 
Myself and Sinead are in constant contact 
I really think we are going to be good friends 
Even though she is almost half my age 
We get on like a house on fire
And the rest of the staff are just lovely 
So willing to help 
And to explain anything that needs sorting 
My Mam keeps telling me that I am lucky to have found this job
She is not wrong 
It's perfect for easing me back in to work 
I'm so busy that the time flies by 
I eat my breakfast and lunch in work 
Which is a revelation in itself 
I'm loving being more independent 
Being my own person 
And also being more financially flush 
I can contribute more to the house and bills 
I can treat the dogs 
And myself
It has all worked out remarkably well

I feel like I am somewhat abandoning my blog lately 
I just don't have time most days to blog 
And often don't have anything to blog about other than work 
I guess I am blogging 2-3 times a week now 
As opposed to the 7 days a week I used to write 
I'm also aware that my blog is becoming less and less about my ED and addiction
And more about life matter them
That is great 
And I'm loving where I am now in my life 
But I feel I might be losing readers 
But also 
I feel like I am pulling away from blogs that may trigger me 
And now I guess I don't have as much in common anymore with certain blogs
I can clearly remember writing here once 
That it was a sad fact that my virtual life was more active than my real life 
Well that has most definitely changed 
Now I am out and about in the big bad world 
Meeting people 
Trying new things 
And loving it!
As I always say 
It's baby steps 
As baby steps soon add up to be geat strides 

So yes 
I am in a good place 
How wonderful it is to be able to say that 
Things just seem to be falling in to place for me 
At long last 
I turn 35 this year 
And I feel like I am just starting to figure life out 
Heck, I am still pretty clueless 
But it's fun trying things out 
And finding out what works 
I know that a lot of you are struggling out there 
I am aware that some people are hanging on by their finger tips 
I just want you to know 
That recovery is possible 
That there is life after ED and addiction m
The odds were stacked against me 
I was a heroin addict 
With a chronic eating disorder 
It took me a while 
But I've made it out the other side 
And am now living my life without these illness taking over 
I can't lie 
It's not easy 
I still struggle 
Still purge from time to time 
Undereat from time to time 
But the point is 
That I don't let these things pull me down 
It's about progress 
Not perfection 
Perfection is a myth 
And we need to give ourselves a break 
And feel good about all the positive changes we have made 
So please 
Whatever you do 
Don't give up 

I'm off for a cuppa 
See you on the next post...