Monday, 18 July 2016

Happiness is.....

.....when your neighbour whose known you for the past 12 years 
Tells you that you have bloomed and blossomed since starting work

I must apologise 
For my lack of posts 
My lack of comments 
Even my reading your blogs 
Blogger used to be my whole world 
I immersed myself in to the ED community 
As I had no real life to speak of 
I turned to blogger 
And the people here 
For social  interaction
For support 
And friendship 
My ED was all consuming 
I can remember so clearly 
All I did every day 
Was either binge and purge like a maniac
It not eat at all 
As recently as Christmas 
My life was a shit show
I was a mess 
A hot vomit stinking bony mess
I am beyond that now 
It is all a memory 
Instead of being my reality 
Life then took off like a rocket 
As the pieces of my life began to slit in to place 
The rest as they say 
Is history 

But yes 
I was over with my neighbour today 
She asked about work 
And said I had bloomed and blossomed since starting 
She said that even the way I carry myself is different 
This was so lovely to hear 
As I guess I don't always see the changes in myself 
I do know that I feel more confident 
More sure of myself 
I suppose that comes from my job dealing with people all day every day
Your self esteem can't help but grow 
This week in work 
We were talking about what we will do for our end of season staff party 
There have been lots of suggestions 
But our ages range from 19-60
So it's hard to think of something that will suit everyone 
If you have any suggestions 
They would be greatly appreciated

In other news 
My methadone was reduced today 
So I am now on 22mls 
It's both thrilling and terrifying 
My doctor has been trying to reduce it for the past few weeks 
And I have been putting up resistance 
But today 
I was all out of excuses
And had to bite the bullet 
It's only a 2ml drop
And I know I won't even miss it 
But still 
It's hard 
It's scary 
I don't like it 
Although to be honest 
Some days I completely forget to tAke my meds 
As my mind is on work 
When I come home from work 
I am so tired 
And fall asleep meds or no meds

All in all 
Things are good 
Life is good 
I feel good 
I have no earthly clue what I weigh 
And quite frankly my dear 
I don't give a damn
Ten bonus points if you can tell me which film that quote is from....

I wanted to thank you 
My readers 
My friends 
My blogger family 
For sticking by me on this roller coaster of a ride we call life 
Every step of the last four years has been documented here 
From the depths of despair 
To the highs of finally finding recovery 
Things are going well for me now 
And I can only hope that my story gives you hope
That you too can get well
Can recover 
And can have a life after ED and addiction
Because it is possible 
It is a reality for me and many others 
In saying that 
I have been in that place 
Where recovery seems nigh on impossible
Like something that happens to other people 
I've been crippled by my illness
But I promise you 
If you can just take they first difficult but crucial step
You will see the benefits immediately 
And you will want more 
Because now 
I can honestly say 
That I want to live 
I want to be alive in this world 
As uncertain and scary as it is right now 
I still want to be here 
Death has never scared me
Life always scared me more 
And it still is scary 
But I feel like I am in a place where I can tackle it 
So please 
If you do one thing today 
After reading this 
Give yourself a break
Put down the whip 
And do something nice for yourself 
God knows we are so hard on ourselves 
We would never treat others the way we treat ourselves 
Because you matter 
You are special 
There is no other you 
And the world needs you 
Even if you think you are insignificant 
You're not 
You are wanted and needed
I promise you that 
So let's do it girls 
Let's stop bullying ourselves 
Putting ourselves down 
Berating ourselves 
We are intelligent 
And smart people 
We matter to those around us
Never forget that....


  1. i had to look up that quote. i've never seen that film. bad Sam, but ah, i love seeing you like this. i do have to say that i'm glad that the doctor reduced the methadone, because quite frankly, i think that if you really are forgetting to take meds, it shows that you're moving forward. i remember the posts where you tend to take too much/end up with no medicine for the rest of the day/etc. you've come leaps and miles from where you were before! even when i started following you, you were pro recovery and even since then, you've shown us so much!

    i'm quite happy to call you my friend. don't be afraid of change, Ruby. you know deep down inside, you want to be completely sober and i do believe that you can be. i think there is a life for you where you even forget how it's /like/ to have any kind of mental illness. as i'm sat here, sometimes, i read particular blogs and instagrams and i just sit here, thinking: did i really used to think like this?

    i still do sometimes but there are days where i don't think i'm much different from the girls that eat normally. it's amazing to see myself able to dissociate myself from my mental disorder. i thought we were just one. we are not. it was /consuming/ me and it will not and shall not. i wouldn't be surprised if one day, you'd leave a post and say "i don't remember the last time i even engaged in any eating disorder related behaviour." until then, we work towards that day!

    i love you, sweetheart. take care of yourself :)

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. i did re-read this comment and it's a bit choppy but i hope i got my point across well enough xxx

  2. Gone with the wind is the film I think! :)

    It's so inspiring to see you doing better. You seem to write with more excitement and joy when you do write! I hope you stay part of the community even if you dont blog as often, I love your writting style and it's so inspiring to see all the leaps and bounds you've made in recovery

  3. Gone with the wind is the film I think! :)

    It's so inspiring to see you doing better. You seem to write with more excitement and joy when you do write! I hope you stay part of the community even if you dont blog as often, I love your writting style and it's so inspiring to see all the leaps and bounds you've made in recovery

  4. I love Gone with the Wind. You'd think a nearly 4-hour movie would be difficult to get through, but I can never turn away from that film. Also, the costumes HOLY CRAP I wish we still dressed like that.

    Having a real reason to get up and out of the house every day does make a huge difference.

  5. Gone with the Wind!!! That movie was a staple in our house growing up. :)

    I'm so thrilled to read your updates and know what recovery is looking like for you. So much of what you wrote in this post really resonates with me.


Thank you for leaving some love x