Monday, 29 February 2016

'Tell me why I don't like Mondays'

I can't quite believe how quickly the weeks are flying in
Monday seems to come around so very quickly
The days can be long 
But they don't be long adding up
As usual
I was in the doctors first thing this morning
Today
Topics included
The Oscars
Making films 
Horses and how my doctor is afraid of them 
Last week 
It being EDAW
I told my doctor that I would bring him in something to read 
The something being the piece I wrote for the ED convention back in 2013
So I gave him said piece 
And told him it was something to read on his coffee break
He seemed excited to read it 
I don't know why I haven't given it to him before now 
I guess that piece is precious to me 
And my doctor being an avid reader 
I was worried about what he would think of it and my writing 
I haven't let many people read it
I mean yes
I read it out at the convention
And I have it up in my blog 
But they are strangers 
Letting people I know read it is another matter 
But anyway 
He has it now 
I'll be interested to see what he makes of it
From a medical point of view 
And from a literary point of view 
He took it from me 
And placed it beside his computer
As I left 
It was all I could do not to reach across him and snatch it back
And run out of the room
But 
I think it might give him an insight in to the mind of a person with an ED
I mean of course he knows the medical side of things 
And I guess that's his job 
The head and mind stuff is up to the psych team 
Anyway 
He has it now 
It will be I interesting to see what he makes of it next week

After my weekly dose of doctor 
I headed up to the pharmacy 
Handed over my script 
Then decided to head over to the bank to see how little money I have for the week
I checked my balance 
Which was just enough to see me through the next few days 
Then began walking back to the pharmacy 
It was a bitterly cold morning 
With a sharp wind
I pulled my coat around me 
And took my gloves out of my pocket 
As I fought the wind 
And tried to put my gloves on 
I managed to drop one 
And it being a windy day
It took off down the street
I had no choice but to run after it
Every time I got close to it
It was whipped out of my grasp by the wind 
It was a wild goose chase
There I was sprinting down the street after my wayward glove
I got quite a few funny looks
Eventually 
I made a huge leap
Like an Olympic long jumper
And landed on the glove 
Feeling very pleased with myself that I had managed to catch it

In other news
I am getting my next piercing done on Friday 
My sister is going to come with me
And I am super excited!
I am think that getting my labret pierced is going to be much more painful than my nose 
But I am ready for it 
And anyway
The pain only lasts a second 
So I will pull up my big girl pants 
And suck it up
But I am really looking forward to getting it done
It's like buying a new item of clothing 
Something to make me feel good about myself 
My poor Mother is horrified at the prospect of another piercing 
She pleads with me not to get it done 
I tell her she will get used to it 
Just like my nose 
She said that she tolerates my nose ring at best 
Like a typical mother 
She says to me 
'You're going to ruin your beautiful face'
But I feel it will enhance my face 
And make for an interesting feature to my face 
Like a feature wall in a living room
Or something to that effect

I am becoming increasingly worried about my teeth 
As you know 
I had a lot of very labour intensive and expensive work done on my teeth last year 
And because my purging has increased again in recent months 
I fear my teeth may fall in to ruin
Just like my real teeth did
Every time I purge 
I promise myself that this will be the last time 
But it never is 
I continue to purge 
To put my body under huge stress
And my teeth being washed with stomach acid 
Every time I throw up
It's a worry
And a huge incentive to stop purging
But like any addiction
It's nigh on impossible to stop
I need to do it though 
Before it damn well kills me 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
If you have experienced bulimia
What helped you to stop purging?
How did you stop?
And how did you stay stopped?
Any tips or advice much appreciated....

Friday, 26 February 2016

Storm in a C cup and other stories.....

Remember back when I got my chest measured properly in a proper bra shop?
My first time ever to be correctly measured
And Remember I was told I was a 34 DD?
And I could barely believe it
Remember how I bought two very grown up proper bras?
And I was quite proud of my assets
Well
Said bras no longer fit me 
Which makes me sad
Why is it 
That when ever I lose weight
I lose if from the areas that need it most 
My boobs
My bum 
And always lose it from places that I don't want to
Like my face 
Id say I am now a 32 C 
Going by how the bras fit 
I've also been going through my wardrobe
And trying on clothes to see what fits 
And what doesn't
I have so many lovely items 
That are now way too big for me
And that is a damn shame 
As well as an incentive to gain a little 
My weight has stayed static for the last month 
I've neither lost nor gained 
And my BMI hovers around the same number 
But the truth is 
I can afford to gain a few kilos 
And still be pretty slim 
Weight loss just isn't important at the moment 

I rang my local piercing studio today
To inquire about getting my labret done 
The piercer is only there on a Friday 
So I'm going to go for it 
I think it's time 
Time for another piercing 
I love my nose ring 
I think it adds something interesting to my face 
My Mum hates it
And is pleading with me not to get another one 
But it's falling on deaf ears 
I just really want to get it done 
I also inquired about getting wings tattooed on my shoulder blades
The girl I spoke to estimated it would cost around €300
So I won't be getting that done any time soon
But 
It's something to think about 
And to look forward to

For me 
Recovery is finding healthy ways to meet the needs that drugs met
Relaxation
Confidence 
Self esteem 
Fun 
Escapism 
All the things that drugs provide 
For a while at least
So I guess my meetings 
Horse riding 
Writing 
And my dogs 
All fulfil these needs 
And even better than drugs and alcohol and my ED did
And of course 
The fun thing is
That I can find more and more activities to make me feel content and happy
I can try new things 
Learn new things 
Meet new people 
The possibilities are endless!
Recovery means freedom
Free from the chains that my ED and addiction held me in
It means feeling free to eat 
To enjoy it
And to keep it down 
Recovery means eating until I am full
Not over or under eating
It means allowing myself to eat a rich and varied diet 
And not feel guilty 
Recovery means allowing my body to find its own natural set point 
And not constantly trying to lose weight and be smaller 
Recovery means peace of mind 
Contentment 
Serenity
It means I am enough 
Just the way I am
Not looking for others approval 
It means knowing that I am a good person
And I am doing the best that I can
Recovery means really living life 
Laughing until you cry 
Late nights watching movies with my mum and sister 
It means eating food At the table 
And having a conversation 
Recovery means feeling the fear and doing it anyway 
And knowing that I will feel great afterwards 
It means being happy in my own company 
But being sociable when I want to 
It means helping others through my story and my writing 
It means passing on recovery to others 
And sharing what helps 
And what works 
Recovery means asking for help when we need it
Talking it out over a cuppa and a slice of cake
It means feeling good enough
And not lesser or better than anyone else 
It means finding things that you love 
Work 
Hobbies 
Pets 
Whatever that may be 
Recovery means choosing to live

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
What does recovery mean to you?
Are you in recovery?
Is it everything you thought it would be?
What are the best and worst parts about recovery
Answers on a postcard please.....

Thursday, 25 February 2016

'We never go out of style'

When it comes to clothes and shoes and accessories 
I like to think that I have my own little style going on
As you know
I am a hoody, jeans and trainers type of girl 
I am partial to a little skirt or dress from time to time 
 But most of the time 
I wear whatever feels right for that day
Comfort is the number one thing for me 
If I'm not comfortable in an item
I won't wear it
But these days 
It's a lot easier to be true to your own style and be comfortable 
I remember growing up in my teenage years 
Trying to find out what I was all about 
Who I was 
And how I fit in to the world amongst my peers 
I tried all sorts of styles 
Urban hippy 
Gothic
Preppy 
But I never felt comfortable in any of them
Then of course came the drug years 
So clothes were not on my radar at all 
It was only when I got clean
That I began to express an interest in clothes and how I looked 
For the first time in my life
I began to care about how I presented myself to the world 
What sort of message I was conveying through my clothes and appearance 
I discovered that I liked the surfer look
Cool hoodies 
Boyfriend jeans 
And different types of trainers 
Even though I have never in my life even touched a surf board 
I still love the style 
It's laid back 
Colourful 
And above all
Comfortable 

Foot wear is the same too
Comfort is paramount 
I a size 5 
Pretty average for my height 
I tend to wear mostly flats 
And only wear heels on a special occasion 
I love trainers 
Roxy being my favourite 
I also love Toms 
Which are little canvas slipons 
Great for the dry warm weather of summer 
I also love New Balance trainers 
Which are very popular at the moment 

The nearest good shopping town  to me is a couple of hours away
Our town has really sufferered as a result of the recession 
So many shops have closed down 
In some parts 
It's like a ghost town
So
Most of the time 
I do my shopping online 
As it's just so handy 
These days I can't afford many new clothes 
But I'm always on the look out for a good bargain

I'm not really a jewellery person 
But I do like silver 
And have a beautiful cameo pendant that my Dad gave me for my birthday one year
I used to wear a ring on every finger
Now I don't wear any 
Not even a watch 
I just don't like the feel of it
And I inevitably end up losing it also
I am not really in to perfume either 
I mean I like a nice scent 
But it's not something I would ever buy for myself 
I do like a pretty scarf 
But in regard to make up
I am hopeless with it
I don't wear it very often 
Mans when I do 
It is often applied badly 
It's something that I would love to learn more about 
To be able to make the most of my face 
Some people are great at that 
I however, am somewhat handicapped in that area
Hair 
I am hating my hair at the moment 
I am thinking about dyeing it a nice chestnut brown 
Or else going for a really cropped blonde look
I just feel like something different 
A change 
To shake things up a bit

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
Are you a dedicated follower of fashion?
How would you describe your style?
What are your go to outfits?
What else do you do to enhance your appearance?
Inquiring minds want to know....


Wednesday, 24 February 2016

Star

I'm just on my way home from my second horse riding lesson
I've been looking forward to it all week
My Mum drove today
The morning was frosty 
So we had to take a bit of a detour to get to the stables
The lesson was at 11 30am
So we left out house at 10 15am
And arrived just in time 
I was in with a group this week 
As opposed to last week
When it was a one on one session
Before we got saddled up
My Mum and I took a little walk around 
There was a beautiful miniature horse
I completely forgot to take a photo of him 
But he was just adorable 
Then it was my turn 
I was riding Star again today 
He is fast becoming my bestie
This week we mostly trotted 
And I was let go on my own 
I felt more confident this week 
It is just so enjoyable 
And there is a lovely atmosphere there 
People come 
And leave their troubles at the door
Have the craic
And forget about real life for a while 
was a bit quieter today 
I always am around new people 
But I tried my best to be sociable and pleasant 
I'm hoping as I do more sessions 
That my confidence will grow 
Both around people 
And around the horses

Having something to look forward to 
Makes a huge difference to my whole world 
With out something you enjoy
What is the point of life?
And we make a day of it on a Wednesday 
After horse riding 
We go in to town
And go for something to eat 
Or do some shopping 
As I was leaving the stables today
Ailish, the lady in charge 
Said that if I ever want to hang around for a couple of hours
I can help them around the stables
I was delighted to hear this 
As it's something I would just love to do
Spending time with horses?
I don't need to be asked twice 
And now the weather is improving a bit 
It makes it a lot easier 
That's another thing to look forward to

It seems like things are beginning to fall in to place for me
I can remember as recently as Christmas feeling so very lost
I just didn't know where I was going 
Or what I was doing 
I remember my Mum saying to me one day 
That I looked like a lost soul
They was exactly the way I felt 
But now 
Now things are starting to turn around for me
Slowly but surely
As usual 
My bulimia is holding me back 
If I could just get the purging under control
I might have a fighting chance
I feel like I have a lot to live for now 
I'm building my own little life 
Doing my own little thing 
I used to always wait for people to suggest things 
Like going swimming 
Or going in to town 
I didn't have the confidence to do my own thing 
As I didn't think it counted if I suggested it 
I didn't think my opinion it thoughts mattered 
I guess being the youngest of four
I have always just fallen in with my older siblings 
And did what they did 
Now that I am fully grown adult 
The habits of a life time are hard to change 
I still tend to follow their lead 
But more and more 
I am finding my own occupation
My own hobbies and interests 
My own life 

Breda often speaks to me about self care 
You know 
Doing things for yourself 
To mind yourself 
To care for yourself 
Things you enjoy 
I am just starting to see how important that is now
Because now I have my own little thing going on
I have the horse riding 
My upcoming job
And meetings 
The last time I went to meetings 
I kind of depended on one person
If they were going to the meeting 
I would go 
But if they weren't 
I wouldn't go either
This time I'm trying to mix with many people 
So I'm not tied to the one person
And it feels so much better not to be dependent on anyone 
I go to my meetings 
I talk to everyone 
I go out of my way to speak to people who I usually wouldn't meet 
I suggest other meetings to go to
Next Monday
Myself and two of the ladies are going to a lunch time meeting up north
So I'm looking forward to that too

As I type this 
I am sitting in a car park outside a supermarket 
Waiting for my Mum who has gone to the bank
I feel content 
Satisfied 
I feel like I did something really good for myself today 
Something I enjoyed 
And is food for the soul 
I feel happy that I got out of the house 
That I got up early
Walked the dogs 
Got dressed
And headed to the equestrian centre 
Now I am heading home 
And I feel a warm glow inside
And that my friends
Is priceless...



Tuesday, 23 February 2016

Not giving in....

I watched an episode of Dr. Phil this morning
We were introduced to 15 year old Isabella and her mother 
Isabella had bulimia 
And also OCD
She blamed her illness in the fact that her mother mocked her for being slightly over weight 
And not exercising 
Isabella confessed to bingeing and purging multiple times a day 
She stole food
Used laxatives 
And was generally very low and depressed
The thing that bothered her most of all though 
Was the fact that she wasn't underweight
She was a healthy 120 pounds 
And she felt that people didn't think she was that bad 
Because she looked ok
She seemed healthy 
People presumed that because she wasn't severely underweight 
Then it couldn't be that serious 
Isabella was in a lot of distress
She spoke through sobs of tears
And felt bitter anger towards her mother
Incidentally 
Her mother also suffered from anorexia/bulimia when she was 15
You would think she would be more sympathetic 
But she just wasn't 

I can totally understand Isabella's pain 
It is a huge myth that every one who has an ED is underweight 
In fact most people suffering with an ED are of a perfectly healthy weight 
This can be confusing 
As we are all used to the images of anorexia 
Emaciated bodies 
With protruding bones 
And sunken cheeks 
The extreme pictures of desperately underweight people 
But in reality 
Those with an ED are more often than not 
In the healthy range 
Weight wise 
I know myself 
I've been every weight from 77 pounds to  130 pounds 
My weight rarely stands still 
It's constantly fluctuating 
Up and down 
But I was equally sick at all weights 

I remnember when I was in treatment 
People seemed to think that it was ok to pass remarks about your weight 
And of course the classic: You don't look like you have an ED
I finally found a good answer to that statement 
You don't look like you are depressed/anxious/suicidal 
It's the only way to deal with such comments 

I really felt for Isabella
She said she felt disgusting at the weight she is now 
Even though she was beautiful and articulate 
She felt like a big fat failure
I know this feeling 
When I was at my highest weight 
I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin
So disconnected from my body 
It didn't portray the way I felt on the inside 
To the world I was of a healthy weight
My eyes were bright 
My hair shiny
My skin with a healthy glow 
But on the inside 
I was dying
My outside did not match my inside 
I felt  so confused 

As it is Eating Disorders Awareness Week
I think it's important to address these issues 
And talk about them openly
In a lot of circles 
Bulimia is a dirty word
Anorexia gets a level of respect 
It is almost seen as tragically beautiful and romantic 
It is shocking to see an extremely underweight person 
And I think the overall feeling towards sufferers 
Is one of sympathy and pity
Bulimia on the other hand 
Is anorexias less popular cousin 
She conjours up images of greediness 
And vomit 
I mean who wants to admit that they spend a significant amount of time with their head in the toilet bowl 
Anorexia sufferers are seen an delicate, fragile 
Almost angelic 
Bulimia sufferers are seen as greedy and disgusting
And they never achieve the one thing they crave the most 
Thinness 
And that contributes to make one very miserable person

Three years ago 
I made a speech at an eating disorder conference in my towns
Mary asked me on the Tuesday
The conference was on the Thursday
Coincidentally 
I had written out my story the previous week
I wrote it thinking that no one would ever read it
It was honest and raw
I remember showing it to my Dad
And he said to read it out 
That is was perfect 
So 
That day 
I read out my story out in front of a ballroom full of professionals, sufferers and families 
I was beyond nervous 
My mother also spoke at this conference 
And we both got great feedback 
I remember Mary giving me a big hug 
And telling me she was proud of me
It was an amazing thing to do 
And something that makes me feel proud when I think about it 
I almost felt like it was my duty and responsibility to speak for our community 
And I really wanted to do you justice 
I wanted to tell my story 
Your story 
Our story 
EDs are such secretive illness
And I felt compelled to break the silence 
And tell people what our lives are really like 
I hope I did you proud 

This EDAW
I am trying to get back on track 
After a bumpy few months
This year I clocked up 15 years in the grip of this illness
But also a year in recovery 
I am doing my level best to get and stay healthy 
I am looking for other more healthy ways to maintain my peace of mind 
A healthy mind 
And a healthy body 
It's not easy 
But then anything ever worth having isn't 
I'm not giving up 
I have too much to lose 
Too much to look forward to 
For the first time in a long time 
I feel hopeful 
I feel there is a life for me beyond my ED and addiction
I'm not giving in 
Not yet
Not ever

Monday, 22 February 2016

Monday

Busy morning this morning
Doctor as usual first thing
On my way in 
I pass The Plumbers house 
In fact I pass his house at least twice a day
This morning he was just pulling out as I passed 
And was then directly behind me
I fought the urge to give him the finger 
And make rude gestures in the rear view mirror 
Thankfully 
He turned off at the next road
I think he has a new girlfriend though 
Because often when I pass 
There is a sporty little number parked outside his house 
My sister says it looks like a hairdressers car
How she works that out I'm not sure 
I'm not stalking them or anything 
I just happen to be an observant person...ahem
Anyway 
Enough about them 
Good luck to them 
They make a good team
She can cut his hair
And he can service her pipes
A match made inheaven

It was short and sweet today at the doctors
Just the way I like it 
I told him briefly about the horses
He told me he had forgotten to ring his sister for her birthday yesterday
I was out by 9 10am
And in the pharmacy waiting for my script at 9 15am
It's hard to believe that I've been going to my doctor for over ten years now 
Every Monday morning at the same time 
Same place
Same routine 
My weekly trips trips to the doctor have nothing to do with my ED
It's because I am on a methadone programme
They can't prescribe more than a week at a time 
As it is a controlled drug
And by rights 
I should be drug tested every week 
But my doctor rarely does this 
In a way 
It's good thing to have this appointment every week
It keeps me on the straight and narrow
It keeps me accountable 
And God knows I need that 

After collecting my script
I headed back to the surgery
I nipped in to the bathroom 
To take my meds 
Then took a seat outside Bredas waiting room 
As I had an appointment with her at 9 30am
A couple of minutes later 
Breda arrived 
And I followed her in to her room
I haven't seen her in a good few weeks
So filled her in in all that has been happening 
The job 
The meetings 
The horse riding 
She said things seemed to be steady at the moment 
The only thing that I need to tackle is my purging 
And my physical health 
Which is still not great 
Breda asked me if I would be willing to take a supplement drink 
Like Ensure
Just to help build up my reserves 
I said I would think about it
But I'm not all that keen 
I would rather eat my calories 
But
If I have to I will 
I feel like I still haven't fully bounced back after my latest bout of pancreatitis back in December
I still get really tired easily
Weak
Dizzy
Every day activities are a struggle 
Even walking my dogs takes massive effort 
And that is not like me
Because I am more active now
I'm aware that I need more sustenance 
More energy
More fuel in the tank 
Purging is still a problem
And I'm sure it is contributing to my feeling so off colour
So 
A lot of work done 
But still more to do

I am trying to hold steady as far as my weight is concerned 
I haven't lost anything recently 
And my BMI hovers around 17
Not too low
But still not healthy either
The thing is to try and not lose any more ground 
Breda talks a lot about having a strong foundation
She compared it to a building 
A building won't stand 
Unless it has a solid base
In order to stay standing 
It needs a strong foundation
And once the foundation is stabilised 
You can add in more structures as you need them 
I like this analogy 
As all too often 
I have tried to stand my building on a crumbling foundation
And of course it all falls down in that case
But I feel like my building is beginning to tAke shape 
My foundation is solid 
And my life is coming together 
Now I just need to maintain things 
Which is always the hard part for me 
Breda asked me about using 
And if I get cravings 
I can't lie 
I do get the odd craving 
Lately I've been getting kind of flash backs back to the start of my using 
I used to go to Dublin with my boyfriend and his friends 
We staying in a flat in the north inner city 
I actually have good memories of that time 
I was using 
But I was not yet addicted 
I was just starting to take heroin
And I felt like my mind was opening 
I felt like I was so connected to my boyfriend and the others in the flat
Of course 
This was the honey moon stage of my addiction
The part where everything seems great 
And you get lured in 
It doesn't last long 
Once you become physically addicted 
You can kiss goodbye to any semblance of a normal life 
And the nightmare begins 
I still get cravings 
I still have moments where I think that using seems like a good idea
But I'm able to ride it out 
I know it will pass 
If I just hold on
I do have a lot of drug dreams 
They are anxiety dreams 
Where I'm trying to find drugs 
But I can't get to them 
They are always the same 
Same situation
Same people 
And usually in the dream I start smoking again too
It's always a relief to wake up

Breda also asked me about things at home 
And how I was getting on there 
My home life is good at the moment 
It's me 
My Mam
And my sister 
I love living here 
Love living with my family 
And of course Honey and Lea 
I am in no rush to move out 
I know I would be lonely if I was on my own 
It would be good to have my own space 
But I would rather live with someone 
Than be on my own
I mean 
I have every independence here 
I can do my own thing 
I can live my own life 
But I still have the support of my family 
God knows I need that 
Plus 
Financially speaking 
It would not make much sense to maintain another house 
I am very lucky to be in my situation
I'm lucky to have the support I have 
But still have my independence 
So I won't be changing my living arrangements any time soon 
Also 
I wouldn't like to uproot the dogs 
They are so settled here 
I'd hate to upset them 
I can just imagine if I had my own place 
I would be taking in every stray dog and cat in the county 
So yes
I'll be staying out for now 

I finished up with Breda 
And headed back to the car to meet Mum
We did some shopping 
Before going back home 
These days 
I am most definitely a morning person 
Up until I began to recover 
I was a real night owl
I loved the night 
Loved that all the fun happened then 
That all the mischief and naughtiness happened then
During my addiction 
There was a long period of time 
When I slept all day 
And got up in the evening 
And went to bed in the morning 
I didn't see day light for months 
But now 
Things have changed markedly 
I love to rise early 
Walk the dogs 
Go shopping 
And other bits and bobs that I need to do 
Some days 
I have everything done by 11am
I hate sleeping in 
And I get really annoyed with myself if I do 
This has to do with the fact that I have a fear of not being able to sleep at night 
So I get up early to tire myself out 
So I will definitely sleep that night 
My fear of not sleeping stems back to my addiction 
During my using 
I had some desperate nights where I couldn't sleep
And was sick and in withdrawal if I had no drugs 
Those nights were endless 
So lonely 
So painful 
I am loathe if that will ever happen again
And everything seems worse at night 
There were some nights that I thought would never end 
And I would cry with relief when morning broke 
Now I do everything in my power to make sure that I do sleep at night 
I guess it's kind of a phobia of sorts 
Thankfully 
I have put those days behind me now
And i am eternally grateful for that 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
Are you a night person?
Or a morning person?
Why do you think you are this way?
What do you do to ensure you get a good nights sleep?
Are you like me and fear not being able to sleep? 
Inquiring minds want to know.....


Friday, 19 February 2016

Ana - Lilac Sheer

 This week
I was contacted by a singer/song writer called Lilac Sheer
Lilac has written a song called Ana, to promote awareness for eating disorders
You can check out Lilacs beautiful song by clicking Ana below
The follow up video Ana - Behind the scenes, reveals Lilacs own personal journey through anorexia and bulimia

Through Lilacs work
She learned of a common infatuation with the art of Japanese Manga amongst ED sufferers
Lilac sees animation as a tool for bringing the subject of eating disorders forward in a relatable way on one hand, yet a non sugar coated, non apologetic manner on the other, while using the artform in a productive way

I though the song and video were great
Especially to open the lines of communication about EDs with younger teens and children
Eating disorders are complex illness
So anything that makes the subject easier to tackle and explain
I hope you enjoyed the song as much as I did

Here


Ana

Gaining......in all areas

Because things are improving again
And I feel like I am getting back on track
Back in a recovery frame of mind
I have to accept that weight restoration goes along with that 
I can't recover and maintain a low body weight 
When I saw Mary yesterday 
She asked me to get rid of my scales
But to continue to weigh once a week
In a pharmacy or where ever I can
As she is not going to weigh me any more 
I have a couple of issues about weighing in a pharmacy 
First, it's such a public place to do such an intimate thing 
I would be mortified
And second
As a rule
I weigh with no clothes on
And go by that 
I can't do that in a store
Well I guess I could 
But I would probably be arrested for indecent exposure
I've got this far in my life without a criminal record
I don't want to acquire one now 
So no
I won't be doing that 
I think I will just keep my scales and weigh once a week on them

I weighed this morning 
And I had gained almost two pounds 
At first I wasn't fussed
As Mary always says 
A kilo either way can be fluid or feaces 
But I as I went about my day
It began to get to me 
Anorexia had a right go at me
Calling me fat
Ugly 
Useless 
Worthless 
I looked in the mirror 
And could almost see where those two pounds had gone 
But this is the thing 
It's a choice 
I can either be underweight 
And miserable 
And sick 
And depressed
Or I can gain a little weight 
And have the opportunity to really live my life 
Be healthy 
Happy 
I think back to a few short months ago
When my weight was healthy
I used to think back then
If I only could lose some weight 
Then I would be happy 
Of course I did lose weight 
And I liked the way my clothes hung off me like I was a human coat hanger 
I liked that I could slip in to size 4 clothes 
That I had to roll down the tops of my jeans so they wouldn't fall down
I liked that people commented that I had lost weight 
But along with the weight loss
I began to lose my peace of mind 
I couldn't enjoy my new size
As my family and others were worried about me 
What good is a thin body
If you are unwell
If you are miserable 
Now that I am two stone lighter
Am I any happier?
To be honest 
I don't really think so 
It's different 
But not better 
The only difference is that I now take up less space 
Nothing more 

I don't know about you
But I don't go about my day
Judging people because of their weight 
It just doesn't come in to it
People come in all shapes and sizes 
But really it doesn't matter 
Who a person is 
Has nothing to do with what they look like 
Or what they weigh 
It's not about their body 
It s about their heart 
Their mind 
Their personality 
And I'm thinking if I'm not judging anyone else 
There are hardly many people judging me either 
I mean come on
Life is too short to worry about a few extra pounds 
And God knows I can afford to put on a few measly pounds 

One thing that can keep us locked in to our illness 
Is labels 
When you are diagnosed 
You are given the title of anorectic or bulimic 
You are told you have an eating disorder 
You might be declared underweight 
And you will be told you are unwell
And sick 
If you suffer with an ED for any extended
Period of time 
You be accustomed to being the sick one 
The ill one 
The underweight one 
People might treat you differently 
More gently 
With more compassion and empathy 
There may even be 'ED perks'
It may be very unpopular to write about this 
But there are benefits to having an ED 
Otherwise 
Why would we do it?
But the thing is 
When you are put in to an ED shaped box 
It's very hard to break out 
And find a new identity 
I can remember talking about this in treatment 
Who would I be without my ED?
Who is Ruby?
What is she all about?
Is there more to her than anorexia and bulimia? 
Being the sick one 
No one expects very much from you
You are ill 
So allowances are made
With recovery and wellness 
Comes responsibility 
When you are no longer the sick one 
You might be treated differently 
People might expect more 
So often 
It is preferable to stay unwell
And hang on to your ED

I've had glimpses of recovery 
Of what my life could be like 
To find new and healthy labels 
Or maybe no labels at all
Maybe I'll just be Ruby the girl 
The daughter 
The sister 
The auntie 
The doggy mama 
The writer 
The horse rider 
I can wear many or all of these hats 
But I don't have to be defined by any of them 
And I can break out of the ED box and world that I lived in
Of course 
This transition is not easy 
Change is hard 
Recovery is tricky 
But it is possible 
It is doable 
And it will be so worth it 
It's something that we won't regret 
So let's do it 
Let's not waste another day, week, month, year on an illness that just wants us dead 
Let's fight for a better life 
For a future
And a life beyond our ED 
I'm just not willing to live within the restraints of this illness anymore 
It's suffocating me 
It's boring me
It's draining the very life out of me 
We don't have to do it alone 
We have each other 
And if there is one thing this community does well
It's supporting each other
Are you with me?
I cant here you 
Are you with me?????

Thursday, 18 February 2016

On the mend...

Apologies for not posting as much 
Or as frequently
Or as consistently lately 
I guess it's a good thing though
As it means my real life is full and busy
And I don't have time to blog as much
This week has been busy to say the least
Appointments
Three meetings 
Horse riding 
It's all good right now
I slept like a log last night
And woke up this morning
Still wrecked 
And my legs
Man my legs are in such pain today
All along the inside and outside of my thighs
I feel like a did a strenuous exercise class 
It's sore 
But it's a good feeling
And the tiredness is a good feeling too
It feels like I've been active and energetic 
And that makes a rest feel well earned 
I've been on a high since my first session horse riding yesterday
I feel dare I say it, happy..
Uplifted 
Re-energised 
Re-invigorated
And it feels amazing  
To find something that I love to do is huge progress for me
I've always loved animals 
And did a bit of horse riding over the years 
I feel like it's something I can really throw myself in to 
And even though it's an hour away
And a bit of an effort to get there 
It's so worth it to go
As I get so much out of it

I had my breakfast this morning
And headed out with the dogs 
When I got back
I sat down with a cup of tea 
And promptly fell asleep 
I woke up just in time to get to the local lunch time meeting 
Even though it would have been so nice to stay asleep
I know I need my meetings right now
And what a lovely meeting it was 
Food for the soul 
And peace of mind for the brain
After the meeting 
I went food shopping 
And then on to the village to see Mary
It was so great to tell her about all the good things that have happened this last couple of weeks
I could see it in her eyes
She was delighted 
Mary always says that it's funny the way things happen 
My Mum coming in to the session last week
The horse riding 
Meetings 
She always says that success breeds success
And she is so right 
One good thing leads to another
And so on
And so on.....
I feel like I have so much more energy now
And feel more positive 
It feels like anything is possible 
Recovery 
Work 
Friends 
Hobbies 
It's all there for me
I just have to reach out and grab it

Of course
Life 
Recovery is not straight forward
I still have a lot of work to do
My food has improved, yes
But the purging is proving difficult to knock on the head 
I just have to keep trying
And hopefully I will get there 
All in all
Things are heading in the right direction
And I feel like if this can all happen in one week
Then what else can happen if I continue to persue recovery?

There are a few other exciting things happening in relation to Eating Disorders Awareness Week
Which I will get to next week 
And am super excited about 
So until tomorrow my friends....

Wednesday, 17 February 2016

Horse therapy

Today was the day that I've been waiting for all week
My first session of horse therapy
As you know 
I am a huge animal lover 
Especially dogs and donkeys and horses
So I was super excited to go horse riding today
My appointment was at 1pm
So my sister and I left the house at about 11 30am
As we had to stop in town on the way 
We both did our bits and bobs 
Then went for a cuppa and a sausage roll
I always thought that I didn't like sausage rolls
But dipped in tomato sauce
It was moorish and delicious 
We finished up
And as I was heading out of the coffee shop
I ran in to a guy from the meetings and his dog
We chatted for a couple of minutes 
Before making our way back to the car 
We gave ourselves an hour to get to the stables 
Just in case we got lost
Which was very possible given our basic instructions 
In the end 
It wasn't too hard to find 
In fact you couldn't miss it
It was a huge house 
With a stables beside it
It was a beautiful bright and clear day
So the whole set up looked amazing
So green
So peaceful and tranquil 
We parked and I headed for the big barn
A pretty dark haired lady greeted me
And said she would be with me in a few minutes 
My sister and I took the opportunity to walk around
Get our bearings
And pet some of the horses
Then another girl came over to talk to us 
She was really friendly
And we were made feel so welcome
About ten minutes later 
They were ready for me 

I changed in to my wellies 
And followed the lady to the stables
She introduced me to Star the pony
Who would be my pony for the session
He was a handsome fella
White with brown patches 
Who apparently liked to bite people 
We brought Star in to the arena
My sister stayed well back as she is afraid of horses
The girls joked that they were going to put her up on the biggest, maddest horse they had
My sister nearly lost her life!
I was able to get on the horse straight away 
Which was awesome
I felt comfortable 
No fear at all
The girl led us around 
Giving me time to get used to the horse 
It felt amazing to be riding 
And soon 
We began to move quicker
And we started to trot
There is a kind of rise and fall rhythm to trotting 
At first I couldn't get in to it 
But after a few minutes 
It began to feel natural
And I didn't have to think about it 
The girls were really encouraging 
And said I was a natural
Which was lovely to hear 
We walked and trotted for the next half hour 
I felt so comfortable
So at home 
And was sad when our time was up
It flew by
And I just wanted to do more and more 
The  two girls taking the session were lovely 
So welcoming and patient  
I haven't felt such happiness for a long time 

After the session 
We had a little chat
And I asked the girls how often I should come 
The said every week is ideal
In order to continue to make progress
They also asked me if I would like to join a group
As they could leave me on my own then
I said I'd love to do that 
So made an appointment for next Wednesday morning with the group
Who are MS sufferers
And the best part was 
This only costs me €15 a session
I mean that's for nothing!!

Anyway
Less words
More pictures....













Tuesday, 16 February 2016

Quick question

I really want to revamp my blog
The layout
The design
I'm sick to my back teeth looking at the photo of myself on the title of my blog
I don't want anything fancy
Just clean
Easy to read
And understand 
Simple
Yet classy
This is where you come in
I am something of a technophobe
So I was wondering if you could help me restyle my blog
Can you recommend any sites to build my blog?
Where did you get your design?
Do you have any tips on designing my blog?
Any short cuts?
Any help is much appreciated
Thanking you in advance....

Monday, 15 February 2016

Sunday/Monday

Yesterday was tough
I woke up in the morning 
Feeling good that I had got my ass to a meeting 
But I wasn't feeling physically great
I know I am struggling these days 
Because walking my dogs is a struggle 
Usually I am out with them first thing in the morning
But at the moment it's not something I look forward to 
It doesn't help that it's freezing cold here 
Lea is giddy until she is brought for a walk
Honey can take it or leave it
But I do try my best to bring them every day
If not my sister will bring them
Yesterday was a bright but cold day
So we decided to go to the long beach about 15 minutes away 
We all bundled in to the car
And headed off 

This particular beach is frequented by surfers and other out door pursuits
We parked in the car park
And made our way down the steep incline to the shore
This incline is all loose stones 
And can be quite treacherous 
But we made it down 
And started walking across the beach 
Lea especially loved the beach
She runs around like a lunatic 
Jumping and rolling in the sand
Running so fast and enthusiastically that her tail rotates
To be honest 
I wasn't really enjoying the walk
But I walked as far as I could
And then turned back
We arrived at the incline again 
But I was starting to feel weak
My sister went on ahead 
And soon I started to feel really breathless and dizzy
I felt massive pressure on my head
My vision blurred
I was sure I was going to pass out
I looked for somewhere to sit down 
And found a large rock nearby
I tried to take deep breathes 
But I was only about one third of the way up the hill
I thought I would never make it back to the car 
Heaving myself off the rock
I tried to continue on 
But again
Dizziness and weakness overcame me
And I sat down again 
By now 
My sister had realised that something was wrong 
And walked back down to meet me 
I linked her and tried to walk again
But soon had to sit down again
And put my head between my knees 
I really thought I was going to hit the de k
I felt like this the morning I had my last pancreatitis attack
Except I had no pain this time 
My sister helped me to the car
And finally made it there 
I collapsed in to the seat 
So relieved to be back and able to sit down 
We arrived home 
And my sister made me eggs and toast
I then retired to the couch to rest
I felt terrible 
And looked even worse
I slept for a good while 
When I woke up 
I felt a lot better 
But this is a warning sign 
That my body is hurting 
I am hurting it 
This bout of weight loss is really taking its toll
It seems that I have a lot of work to do in that area

Monday morning 
And doctor day for me 
We left a bit earlier this morning 
As the roads were frosty 
I arrived at the surgery for my 9am appointment 
I had just sat down 
When my doctor called my name 
As I followed him in
He said he had a student in with him today 
And was that ok
He regularly has students in observing 
And I have no problem with that 
I took a seat in his room 
The student greeted me
I said hello back 
My doctor and I chit chatted for a while 
I told him about the job
He said that he didn't want to say it last week
But he thought that I wouldn't get it due to lack of experience 
He was delighted that I got the other job though
I also told him about the horse therapy
We were all done and dusted quickly
I collected my script
And said thanks and goodbye 
Another Monday over 
Another week begun 

Now that my real life is beginning to come together
There are some things that I need to address 
My weight is a pressing problem
As in the last week it has plummeted 
I feel it 
I feel underweight
I don't feel well
I don't feel healthy
My body is crying out for nourishment t 
And I'm not giving it
Also 
I've been thinking about this blog 
And how open I am 
A lot of people read every day 
And though I am not at all ashamed about my blog or my life 
I am starting to wonder if maybe I should protect myself a bit more 
Maybe not be quite so open and frank 
I just worry about employers finding it 
Don't get me wrong 
I have nothing to hide 
But I don't want to leave myself in a vulnerable position 
Where the whole world knows my business 
I don't kid myself 
I know my problems are small fry compared to some people out there 
But I almost feel a duty to share my story 
In the hope that it will help others as well as myself 
Although I can see the benefits of being a open blogger 
There are also benefits to writing anonymously 
But as you know 
I am an all or nothing person
So I share either everything or nothing 
As my blog has grown 
I guess I have been more wary of what I write here
And I have gone back and deleted posts that maybe exposed me too much 
I also think about the negatives to blogging
The hate 
The anonymous comments that love to point out where I am going wrong
I ask myself the question
Is it worth it?
Is it worth the hassle?
The cruel comments 
Being judged
Being attacked 
Do the negatives out weigh the positives?
I ask myself this question regularly 
And most of the time
I come to the conclusion that it is worth it 
I do think it's unfair to judge though 
If there is one thing I don't do
Is judge people
I have learned over the years 
That people are the way they are for a reason
Who am I to judge? 
I am no better or no worse than anyone else
Judging others is dangerous ground
No one is perfect 
No one is infallible 
We all do silly things 
Make stupid mistakes 
That's the nature of us humans 
The trick is to learn from it 
And not repeat it 

Look
I am doing my best with the cards I have been dealt 
I try every day to be a good person
I try not to hurt myself or others 
I try to be the best person I can possibly be 
But of course I mess up from time to time 
It's human nature 
The important thing is to keep going 
Keep fighting 
Keep hoping 
And believing 
We have to forgive ours and others mistakes 
Or else what is the point?
I have a lot to look forward to now 
So much to live for 
I need to get back on track
Need to be as well as I can be
So I can start my job
So I can begin horse therapy 
So I stay healthy both physically and mentally 
At the age of 34 
My life is just beginning 
Just starting to happen
I know that I have a real shot now 
At being happy 
Content
And most importantly 
Having peace of mind 
That is my goal 
Just to have a quiet mind 
I can get there 
I truly believe I can and you can too

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Mission Complete....

It's Sunday morning
And I am sat
Crosslegged
On my living room floor
With a hot cup of tea
And the TV on in the background
I wrote yesterday about going to a meeting
And I am pleased to tell you that I did in fact go to a meeting last evening 
It was quite strange really
But in the last couple of days 
I have been feeling like I have to get to a meeting 
Usually I would rather eat my own foot than go to a meeting
But yesterday it just felt urgent that I get to one 
The meeting was about half an hour away
So I asked my Mum to come 
As I have often been on my way in to said meeting 
And ended up somewhere completely different 
So what has kept me away from the meetings?
Anxiety mainly 
And fear that people don't like me 
But yesterday 
Well
I was able to put those fears aside for some reason 
I'm not quite sure why 
But I jumped on the opportunity to try and make some real progress

Mum and I left the house at about 5 20
I was so anxious and nervous on the way in 
That I couldn't even talk 
I just kept thinking 
It'll be over before i know it
We arrived at the building 
There were only two cars in the car park
I looked up to one of the windows where the light was on 
I could see movement 
People I didn't recognise 
I took a deep breath
Opened the car door
And headed for the entrance 
Walking in
My body felt weak and heavy with nerves
Walking up the stairs 
I could barely lift my feet
I felt like I was going to hit the deck
But I kept going 
I came to a closed door 
I could hear voices beyond 
I silently reached for the handle 
And pushed in
I scanned the room quickly
Three guys 
I didn't recognise any of them 
The meeting had started 
So I took the nearest seat 
And took deep breathes to calm down 
Just then the door opened 
And a girl walked in
She smiled at me as she came in
I smiled back
And she took a seat opposite me 

I don't know if you know how meeting s work 
But at the start 
The literature is read out 
Which takes about 15 minutes 
Then the meeting is opened 
And people can share 
Although there is no pressure 
You don't have to speak a word if you don't want to
I had told myself that I wouldn't speak 
Just to get myself in the door 
But being there 
And feeling the magic of the programme 
I decided to say a few words
I didn't say anything too personal
Just a bit about myself 
And my story 
I finished up 
And the final literature was read out 
We stood in a circle to say the serenity prayer 
And that was it
It was over 
I spoke to the girl for a while afterwards
She gave me her number 
Which I thought was really nice of her 
All in all
It was a good experience 
And I'm glad I went 
But I know the real test for me 
Is going when I don't want to go
When I think I don't need to go 
When it's raining outside 
And I am cosied up beside the fire and don't want to leave the house 
Usually 
People in recovery count their clean time 
I never have 
Because I never got any substantial amount of clean time to count 
But I can see the benefit of it
From counting my smoke free time
So I've decided to start today 
St. Valentine's Day 
Day number one 

As always 
Thank you for your continued support 
It means more than you know

Saturday, 13 February 2016

Meeting

I'm going to do it 
I'm finally going to do it 
After over a year of avoiding it
And putting it off 
I'm going to go to a meeting this evening
My Mum is coming for support
I feel I need someone just to be there 
To talk me out of it if I decided to back out
No better woman than my mother for this 
I can't lie
I feel scared
Beyond anxious
And my nerves are shot
I'll go
But I don't think I'll speak
The goal is to just be there
To listen 
To soak up the recovery 
And the positivity 
To connect with others 
And do something good for myself 
I'll be leaving at 5 30pm
For the meeting at 6pm
Until then 
I am trying to stay busy 
And keep calm 
Wish me luck
I'm going to need it.....

Friday, 12 February 2016

28

As of this morning 
I have lost two stone in weight
28 pounds
I looked back over my notebooks 
Where I carefully recorded each weight 
I started losing weight in November
And have steadily lost since then
I'm not sharing this with you to brag
To boast 
Equally 
I'm not sharing it with you to concern you
Or worry you
It's not something I'm proud of
I'm sharing it with you because it stops here 
I can't go on like this
Or I will be back in hospital before you say possible relapse 
I have much to look forward to now
My horse therapy
My job 
My ED is gone in to panic mode
As it knows I am fighting back 
But just because I have things to look forward to 
Doesn't mean they recovery will miraculously happen
The habits of a half a life time are hard to change 
But 
I'm not going down without a fight 
It's time to close ranks 
Use my supports 
Use every bit of ED knowledge I've ever required
And fight like hell 

But what exactly does fighting entail?
It's not quite a physical fight
It's behavioural 
Its psychological 
It's emotional
It means eating three meals a day 
At the table
With my family 
It means no purging 
Which is the big one
I haven't gone a day without purging in years 
It has become just another habit in my life
I wake up 
Brush my teeth 
Eat something 
Purge 
It has become so normal that I don't even think about it anymore 
I had come to a place where I had accepted that purging was part of my day
And wasn't going anywhere
But Mary assures me that it's possible to have a life beyond my ED
She speaks so passionately about the fact that I can do this 
That I can recover 
Sitting in between my Mum and Mary yesterday 
Two amazingly strong women
Who both believe in me 
It was powerful 
I couldn't have two better women on my side 
I dont need to tell you how blessed I am

Finally 
It seems like things are slotting in to ace for me 
The jigsaw that is my life is starting to come together 
It's thrilling 
It's terrifying 
It's venturing in to the unknown
I can't lie 
I am petrified 
But I am ready 
I am so ready 
For the next phase of my life 
For recovery 
From both my ED and my addiction
I swear I am going to get to a meeting this week if it kills me
Screw the anxiety 
Screw the fear
This is about my getting well 
That's my priority right now
I know that I can do something when I set my mind on it
I'm now 18 months smoke free
And let me tell you
I was a dedicated smoker 
I joke with my sister that when I start earning money
I'm going to take it up again
But I know I won't 
Going back isn't an option 
I find that once I get my head around something 
Then I can do it 
Like with smoking 
Mentally giving up was half the battle
I'm sure it will be a similar situation with the purging
I just need to establish a new habit
A new pattern 
A new way of doing things 
I guess at first 
Distraction will be the name of the game
After eating 
I need to distract, distract, distract!
Get out of the house
Walk the dogs 
Go for a drive
And stay away from bathrooms
I know it will be tough
At first it will be uncomfortable
As my body gets used to keeping food down 
It will be a strange sensation
Actually letting my food digest
But it's something that has to be done
If I want t hold down a 30 hour a week job
I need to be healthy
I need to feed my body 
When I'm busy
I know I find it hard to eat
Do I will have to make a considered effort to keep my body fueled and fed
And to keep on top of my health
And not just exist on energy drinks 

So yes
There is much to look forward to 
And much work to do 
I have about three months before I start work to get on track
And hopefully the horse therapy will really help build my self esteem and confidence
As i know I am going to need a lot of these things on my work 
But 
I'm ready 
Come on life
Bring it on....

The first photo below was taken last November
And the following one this morning 




Thursday, 11 February 2016

Mum meets Mary....

Ever since I found out that I have a job
I've been feeling very strange
It's not a feeling I can easily explain
And can't even put a word on it
When I got the news 
I was home alone 
I had no one to talk to
So I had to try and process the information myself 
Without bouncing it off someone else
The only way I can describe this feeling
Was like it was all too good to be true 
Like I was waiting for the catch
I'm not entirely used to things going my way
So this happy news was as much of a shock as if I hadn't got the job
I almost felt like I wanted to sabotage the job
So I wouldn't have to try
And have the possibility of failure
I doubt myself so much
And yesterday 
I questioned my ability to do a job well
I questioned whether they had made a mistake hiring me
In fairness 
They must think I can do the job since the did give me the position
And my mum and sister and dad assure me that I am well able for this type of work 
But I feel
Well
I don't know 
I know I'm not explaining myself very well here
I am just trying to make sense of this situation
I know I should probably be celebrating
But I can't seem to shake this funny feeling 
And last night was a marathon binge/purge session trying to escape from it

I woke up this morning 
Another pound lost
My BMI now 17
I felt nothing 
Nothing but the feeling that I was throwing my life away
And for what?
I now have to roll my trousers at the waist so they fit 
And my mother is expressing sincere worry and concern about me
She said that I am out of control 
That evenings are my worst time
She is not wrong 
In the evening I could purge up to six times
It has to stop

I saw Mary this afternoon
My Mum and I went in to the village early 
And brought the dogs for a walk in the woods 
Then headed down to the health centre 
Mam was going to wait in the car for me and read her book
I made my way up to Mary's office
And took a seat 
I mentioned that Mum was with me
And Mary asked if I'd like to include her in the session
I agreed 
And ran down and told Mum
Who would wait in the waiting room while mart and I had a chat 
I told Mary about the job
And she was delighted for me
She also told me that she had some information on the horse centre I was planning on going to
Mary had spoken to the girls there
And it's actually horse therapy
That is about an hour from my house
So I took their number
Excited at the prospect of starting

I tried to explain the feelings I was having to Mary 
She said it sounded like anxiety
But in a different form than I am used to 
And I guess that makes sense
I am anxious to join the working world
I'm anxious that I won't live up to expectations of the other staff
Mary also talked about self fulfilling prophecy 
And how we as humans can sabotage something that could be amazing
Because we are afraid 
At least I have recognised it though 
And can work on it 
Mary then weighed me
I lost 1.5kg from last week 
Mary then asked me to call my Mum up
Which I did 
They exchanged pleasantries 
They have met before 
Many times 
The session was tough 
But it was necessary 
We decided that as a family 
We would make a meal plan 
Sit at the table for all meals together
Mary also stressed the importance of my support groups 
So my other piece of home work is to go to a meeting before I see Mary again
That is going to be a challenge 
But one I really want to do 
We finished up 
And Mum and I headed home 

Over cups of tea at home
My sister and I did put a meal plan for the week 
So we will go shopping for said meals tomorrow 
The hard thing is going to be not purging 
But I have to do it 
I just have to grit my teeth
Sit with the feeling
And just do it 
Hopefully eating enough during the day 
Will help ease the bingeing in the evening 
In fact I know it will
Mary said something surprising to me yesterday 
She said that if I maintained my weight where it is now 
Then that would be fine 
I would have thought the ideal thing would be to gain a few kilos 
But maybe she means just for now

I couldn't resist ringing the horse people when I got home 
I got through to a girl called A 
I told her who I was 
And how I had come across her number
She asked me a bit about myself 
I wasn't planning on telling her about my ED so soon 
But it just sort of came out
She explained what they do at the centre
It usually costs about €50 for a general horse riding lesson 
But this only costs €15
So happy days!
We arranged an appointment for next Wednesday at 1pm
You guys?
I am super duper excited and over the moon to do this!
And it gives me plenty of time to get in to a good frame of mind before I start work
Things are finally falling in to place for me
And I can't wait to see what the future holds 
Horse therapy 
A job I love 
These are things that I dreamed about in my darkest days
And now they are happening!
They are actually happening!
I feel excitement bubbling inside me
I've spent my life looking for somewhere to fit in
Somewhere where I belong 
This could be it 
This could be what I'm looking for 
I thought I had found it in drugs and ED
But that never worked out
Now I just need to put the brakes on where my ED and weight loss are concerned 
I can't afford to lose any more weight 
And the threat of pancreatitis is always there 
If I want to be healthy and strong and able
I need to feed and nourish my body 
I need to allow myself good food
And enough good food 
I need to allow myself to keep it down 
And not feel guilty for it
In short
There is much to look forward to
Life starts now
Hang on to your hats people
It's going to be a crazy ride....