Monday, 22 February 2016


Busy morning this morning
Doctor as usual first thing
On my way in 
I pass The Plumbers house 
In fact I pass his house at least twice a day
This morning he was just pulling out as I passed 
And was then directly behind me
I fought the urge to give him the finger 
And make rude gestures in the rear view mirror 
He turned off at the next road
I think he has a new girlfriend though 
Because often when I pass 
There is a sporty little number parked outside his house 
My sister says it looks like a hairdressers car
How she works that out I'm not sure 
I'm not stalking them or anything 
I just happen to be an observant person...ahem
Enough about them 
Good luck to them 
They make a good team
She can cut his hair
And he can service her pipes
A match made inheaven

It was short and sweet today at the doctors
Just the way I like it 
I told him briefly about the horses
He told me he had forgotten to ring his sister for her birthday yesterday
I was out by 9 10am
And in the pharmacy waiting for my script at 9 15am
It's hard to believe that I've been going to my doctor for over ten years now 
Every Monday morning at the same time 
Same place
Same routine 
My weekly trips trips to the doctor have nothing to do with my ED
It's because I am on a methadone programme
They can't prescribe more than a week at a time 
As it is a controlled drug
And by rights 
I should be drug tested every week 
But my doctor rarely does this 
In a way 
It's good thing to have this appointment every week
It keeps me on the straight and narrow
It keeps me accountable 
And God knows I need that 

After collecting my script
I headed back to the surgery
I nipped in to the bathroom 
To take my meds 
Then took a seat outside Bredas waiting room 
As I had an appointment with her at 9 30am
A couple of minutes later 
Breda arrived 
And I followed her in to her room
I haven't seen her in a good few weeks
So filled her in in all that has been happening 
The job 
The meetings 
The horse riding 
She said things seemed to be steady at the moment 
The only thing that I need to tackle is my purging 
And my physical health 
Which is still not great 
Breda asked me if I would be willing to take a supplement drink 
Like Ensure
Just to help build up my reserves 
I said I would think about it
But I'm not all that keen 
I would rather eat my calories 
If I have to I will 
I feel like I still haven't fully bounced back after my latest bout of pancreatitis back in December
I still get really tired easily
Every day activities are a struggle 
Even walking my dogs takes massive effort 
And that is not like me
Because I am more active now
I'm aware that I need more sustenance 
More energy
More fuel in the tank 
Purging is still a problem
And I'm sure it is contributing to my feeling so off colour
A lot of work done 
But still more to do

I am trying to hold steady as far as my weight is concerned 
I haven't lost anything recently 
And my BMI hovers around 17
Not too low
But still not healthy either
The thing is to try and not lose any more ground 
Breda talks a lot about having a strong foundation
She compared it to a building 
A building won't stand 
Unless it has a solid base
In order to stay standing 
It needs a strong foundation
And once the foundation is stabilised 
You can add in more structures as you need them 
I like this analogy 
As all too often 
I have tried to stand my building on a crumbling foundation
And of course it all falls down in that case
But I feel like my building is beginning to tAke shape 
My foundation is solid 
And my life is coming together 
Now I just need to maintain things 
Which is always the hard part for me 
Breda asked me about using 
And if I get cravings 
I can't lie 
I do get the odd craving 
Lately I've been getting kind of flash backs back to the start of my using 
I used to go to Dublin with my boyfriend and his friends 
We staying in a flat in the north inner city 
I actually have good memories of that time 
I was using 
But I was not yet addicted 
I was just starting to take heroin
And I felt like my mind was opening 
I felt like I was so connected to my boyfriend and the others in the flat
Of course 
This was the honey moon stage of my addiction
The part where everything seems great 
And you get lured in 
It doesn't last long 
Once you become physically addicted 
You can kiss goodbye to any semblance of a normal life 
And the nightmare begins 
I still get cravings 
I still have moments where I think that using seems like a good idea
But I'm able to ride it out 
I know it will pass 
If I just hold on
I do have a lot of drug dreams 
They are anxiety dreams 
Where I'm trying to find drugs 
But I can't get to them 
They are always the same 
Same situation
Same people 
And usually in the dream I start smoking again too
It's always a relief to wake up

Breda also asked me about things at home 
And how I was getting on there 
My home life is good at the moment 
It's me 
My Mam
And my sister 
I love living here 
Love living with my family 
And of course Honey and Lea 
I am in no rush to move out 
I know I would be lonely if I was on my own 
It would be good to have my own space 
But I would rather live with someone 
Than be on my own
I mean 
I have every independence here 
I can do my own thing 
I can live my own life 
But I still have the support of my family 
God knows I need that 
Financially speaking 
It would not make much sense to maintain another house 
I am very lucky to be in my situation
I'm lucky to have the support I have 
But still have my independence 
So I won't be changing my living arrangements any time soon 
I wouldn't like to uproot the dogs 
They are so settled here 
I'd hate to upset them 
I can just imagine if I had my own place 
I would be taking in every stray dog and cat in the county 
So yes
I'll be staying out for now 

I finished up with Breda 
And headed back to the car to meet Mum
We did some shopping 
Before going back home 
These days 
I am most definitely a morning person 
Up until I began to recover 
I was a real night owl
I loved the night 
Loved that all the fun happened then 
That all the mischief and naughtiness happened then
During my addiction 
There was a long period of time 
When I slept all day 
And got up in the evening 
And went to bed in the morning 
I didn't see day light for months 
But now 
Things have changed markedly 
I love to rise early 
Walk the dogs 
Go shopping 
And other bits and bobs that I need to do 
Some days 
I have everything done by 11am
I hate sleeping in 
And I get really annoyed with myself if I do 
This has to do with the fact that I have a fear of not being able to sleep at night 
So I get up early to tire myself out 
So I will definitely sleep that night 
My fear of not sleeping stems back to my addiction 
During my using 
I had some desperate nights where I couldn't sleep
And was sick and in withdrawal if I had no drugs 
Those nights were endless 
So lonely 
So painful 
I am loathe if that will ever happen again
And everything seems worse at night 
There were some nights that I thought would never end 
And I would cry with relief when morning broke 
Now I do everything in my power to make sure that I do sleep at night 
I guess it's kind of a phobia of sorts 
I have put those days behind me now
And i am eternally grateful for that 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
Are you a night person?
Or a morning person?
Why do you think you are this way?
What do you do to ensure you get a good nights sleep?
Are you like me and fear not being able to sleep? 
Inquiring minds want to know.....


  1. I'm a night owl but I'm trying to turn it around.

    This was a powerful account Ruby.

    God bless you.


    1. Thanks Shelby

      How are you doing?
      Do let me know x

  2. I guess I'm a morning person. I don't sleep enough at night, so then the next night I'm tired.

    1. There is no nicer feeling than feeling tired and ready for sleep x

  3. I used to be a night owl, but in recent years I've become an early bird. It's not unusual for me to wake up between 3-5am. I never thought I'd be a morning person, but I cherish the quiet.

    I have a massive fear of not being able to sleep, partially because of the seizures, partially because it messes with my routine.

    Stupid question, but are you on any sleepers? It might be worth discussing with your doctor even if you are. I had my sleepers changed a couple of months ago and the difference is massive.


    1. No I'm not on any sleepers Bella
      I was on one in hospital
      But my doctor is loathe to put me on one
      I would like one though
      Even just for the peace of mind that I will sleep
      What sleeper are you on Hun? X

  4. I am so glad that you seem content in your life, that things run smoothly. Take care of yourself (BMI 17?).

    I used to be a night owl for almost my whole life, but the past year I've become a morning person. Probably because the boyfriend sleeps late after night shift, so I get some time on my own :)

    1. I know CP
      I still have work to do
      And I know I need to let go of the reigns of my weight x


Thank you for leaving some love x