Saturday, 31 January 2015

Life as we know it

It was last May when I began to get my life together
I had just started new meds
My depression finally lifted
My anxiety lessened considerably
And life as I know it began to improve
Sometimes it feels like it happened in spite of me
Like it happened to me
And I had nothing to do with it
But I made the changes 
So I know I had at least some part in it
Since last May  
A lot has happened 
I've regained wright to a healthy BMI
I went on a holiday
Which was harder than you might think
I gave up smoking
Which for me was massive
And I still think that could go belly up at any time
I don't take it for granted that I am out of the woods
Everyday I fight the urge to light up a smoke
It hasn't been easy

So yes
My life has changed a lot in the last few months
Ed wise
That has improved too
I've gone from purging 10-20 times a day
To 2-5 times a day
My day used to revolve around eating and purging
I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
It was relentless
A living hell
I was stealing food from shops
Financially I couldn't keep up with the amount of food I was eating
I was consumed with guilt and shame
My relationship with my family was strained
I couldn't stop
My health was failing
I was falling apart
And I hated myself
I felt like such a failure
Such a waste of space
Such a burden to my family
And yet I couldn't stop
Even my dog was stressed to the max
And hey fur was falling out
Thankfully when I began to recover 
So did she

Even though things have drastically improved for me and my family
Everything is not perfect
I struggle to keep my food down
I struggle to eat proper meals
My self esteem changes from one day to the next
My body image is questionable
I battle guilt and shame
I mourn for the life I could have had
But I am grateful
Grateful to have made it to the age of 33 relatively unscathed
As my mother always says
Given what this family had been through
We are not doing too badly
I whole heartedly agree

Sometimes it seems that when I get one problem under control
Another pops up
I've struggled to stop weighing myself
And it's a constant battle to take my meds correctly
But I do consider myself to be in recovery
As I do want a better life
I do want to grow and learn and thrive
Amazing things have happened in the last few months
I feel stable and able
Stronger and more capable than I've frly in a long time
I've even had a bit of boy drama
Which has been a lot of fun
I think recovery is about constantly moving forward
Granted it may sometimes be one step forward and two steps back
But the important thing is to keep going
To keep putting one foot in front of the other
To get out of bed every morning
And live life the best way I know how
To keep doing the next right thing
To pick ourselves up after we fall
To fight
For our sanity
Our peace of mind
And for our lives 
To never give up

When I was really sick 
I had been that way for so long
I had forgotten what it felt like to feel good
I was so numb
An empty shell
The only things I felt were self hatred and guilt and shame
I wanted to disappear
I couldn't see the point of life
The point of my life
I spent most of my time running
From myself
From others
From life 
I just didn't see the point of me
In my eyes 
I was a waste of space
A parasite
Over the last few months
I've seen a glimpse of what my life could be like
How it's possible to feel good
To feel hopeful
And positive
To look forward to things
To enjoy the company of others
To feel comfortable in my own skin
To love
And to feel loved
To feel worthy
To wake up in the morning
And not dread the day ahead
To look in the mirror
And not hate what I see
To make friends 
To laugh
To feel 
To not feel afraid of life
To talk to strangers 
To smile 
To be able to accept a compliment
To feel alive 

This is all wonderful
But there is a part of me
Quite a big part of me
That is absolutely terrified
Scared witless
Frightened beyond belief
Of life
Life without my ED
Life without my addiction
Living life on life's terms
To an extent
I still very much hide
And my life is very limited
I wake up early every morning
Have my tea
I blog
I walk my dogs
I might see a friend
I might go shopping
I might do something with my sister
But apart from that
I don't do a whole lot
I don't work
I don't study
I don't go to meetings
Even though I know it would be good for me
Because I am afraid
Afraid of failing 
Afraid that peor won't like me
Or 'get' me
Afraid I'll do or say something silly 
Or that anxiety will prevent me from speaking at all
But the thing is
I want to do all these things
I want to go to meetings
I want to see friends
I want to date
I want to learn or study
I want to put myself out there
I'm just having a lot of trouble getting past my fear

I seem to be able to manage bigger tasks
Like giving up smoking
It's the little things that get me
Like meeting a friend
Or starting a course
These things seem impossible to me
Do I hide 
I hide in my house
I watch tv do I don't have to listen to my own negative and intrusive thoughts
I pretend that there isn't a whole big world out there
I cancel meeting friends because I can't get out the front door

I guess it is a confidence thing
I don't have a lot of self confidence 
Or belief in myself 
In fact
I have none
None at all

But I think this
What I am going through 
Is fairly normal for someone trying to recover
I've been out of real life for a long time
It's going to be an adjustment getting back in to things

Even though it is so very scary
I will keep going
I will keep fighting for a better life
What is the alternativ?

I was wondering about you 
Do you ever feel like this?
Afraid and overwhelmed
Scared and stuck?
Am I the only one?

Friday, 30 January 2015


Confession time
You know that I smashed my scale a couple of weeks ago 
And my house is a scale free zone
Or at least it was
It was great not weighing
Not knowing that number
Not holding my self worth hostage
It felt like freedom
A lite taste of what life could be like
I didn't miss the scale at all

On Tuesday 
I went for a walk with my friend
When I got out of the car
She commented that I had lost weight
And this girl would notice
as she has an eating disorder too
All that day her words rang in my ears
I went home
And asked my mum and sister if I had lost weight
They confirmed that I had
And also said I looked very pale
My curiosity was pricked
I was dying to know my weight 

The next day
I was in the pharmacy collecting my meds
As I waited
I clocked the public weighing scales in the corner
It was one of those new fangled fancy ones that calculates your BMI etc
I was tempted to stand on it
But I didn't
It was still on my mind though

The next day 
I was collecting my meds again
And again 
As I waited
I spotted weighing scales for sale in the corner of the store
Half price in the sale
I was drawn to them 
Like a magnet I felt pulled towards it
I picked it up 
It was a Weight Watchers scale
It calculated your BMI
You percentage water weight
And fat
I was mesmerised 
A brand new shiny scale
It was like Christmas all over again

I have to admit
I bought the scale
And brought it home
I tried to smuggle it in to my house
But I met my mother in the hall
She looked disappointed to say the least
But I was on a mission
I locked my bedroom door
Opened the box
Placed it on the wooden floor
And stood on it
Of course the number meant absolutely nothing
As it was a different scale
And I hadn't weighed in a coue of weeks
So I don't know if I lost or gained
Clever Ruby
Very clever

Even though the scale has now taken up residence in my bedroom
I've only used it a couple of times
I'm not playing that game any more
No freakin' way
I had two glorious number free weeks
And I intend to proceed in the same way
So what to do with the scale?
I'm not sure 
But I'm sure I will think of something.....

Thursday, 29 January 2015

Go ahead, make my day!

As you know 
I love getting post
So I was delighted to get some very interesting looking post this afternoon
I recognised the senders address straight away
My beautiful Bella
I tore in to the wrapping
The first thing I came across was the lovely card
I had to giggle
Bella, you know me well
Then I saw all the chocolate
White chocolate, my favourite!
And there was more
A beautiful key ring with the word hope
That was sold on behalf of The Butterfly  Foundation
Which helps those suffering from eating disorders
Such a lovely thought
But there was still another package
I opened it to find the most beautiful blue apron
It is so pretty
And I am so delighted to have something made by Bella's fair hand

Thank you Bella
You are a absolute star
It never ceases to amaze me the kindness of the girls here in blogger
You blow me away
Again and again
Thank you

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Lung Leavin' Day

A couple of weeks ago
I received an email from a man by the name of Cameron Von St James
Who shared with me his and his families story
Nine years ago
Cameron's wife Heather
Was diagnosed with mesothelioma
A rare cancer caused by exposure to asbestos
Heather had just given birth to their daughter Lilly
And during the most exciting time in their lives
Heather was given just 15 months to live
After surgery to remove her left lung
Heather began her journey towards survival
And Lung Leavin' Day was born
A name Heather's sister gave the day Heathers lung was removed
In order to lighten the situation
The name stuck
And now the family celebrate it every year
On February 2nd

Lung Leavin' Day is about overcoming your fears
This year is the ninth year of celebrating it
The purpose of this holiday is to encourage others to face their fears
Each year Cameron and Heather and their families gather together around a fire  in their back yard
Write their fears on to a plate
And smash them in to the fire
They celebrate for those who are no longer here
For those who continue to fight
For those who are currently going through a tough time in their lives
And most importantly
They celebrate life

I was really moved and touched by this story
What really stood out to me was the power and strength of the human spirit
The will to live is such an amazing thing
The instinct to survive keeps us going
Even though we may want to give up
I can relate to this story a lot
Overcoming my own fears is a daily battle
And the last six months have been especially testing
At my counselling appointment yesterday
My counsellor told me that I am a very determined person
I guess I am 
Although up until now
I only used that determination and stubbornness in a destructive way
But recently 
I have been using it as a power for good
To help myself
And others

For the longest time
I didn't care if I lived or died
In fact I courted death
I would describe it as having a passive death wish
Not actively seeking it
But welcoming it all the same
I was more afraid of living than I was of dying
It seemed the only way out of my situation was to disappear
I really believed that was the only viable option

But the will to live is strong
Even though you think you don't want to live
It is always there
I began to fight
To fight for my life
And just like light seeping in to a dark room
I began to get a glimpse of what my life could be like
I began to see that there is life after ED and addiction
That there was more to me than my illness
Little by little
Things started to improve for me
My depression lifted
My anxiety lessened
I re-gained some weight
It was like inhaling a breath of fresh air after I had been drowning for so long
Every day since then has been one of growth and learning
It's scary
It's terrifying
It's overwhelming
It can be monotonous
But it's also exciting 
Life affirming
And heart warming
I am feeling again
The good and the bad
The ups and downs
The highs and the lows
It's a whole new world 
To feel again
To be present in the moment
To stop running from myself
To stop hating myself

Overcoming our fears is essential if we want to grow, learn and move forward
I often find that it is the thought of something is a lot scarier than the actual event itself 
It's the build up to it
The anticipation
It's the constant thinking about it that can cripple me
One thing I have learned in recent times
Is that I am a lot more capable than I thought I was
Fear is part and parcel of life
We can either let it hold us back
Or we can feel the fear and do it anyway
For me
It's baby steps all the way
Everything is new right now
And it's scary
But what is the alternative?
Letting feat rule my life?
I'm not willing to do that

So I invite you today 
To take part in Lung Leavin' Day on 2nd February
Let's not let fear run our lives
Let's be brave 
Let's be strong
We can do this
We can live the life of our dreams
It is possible
I truly believe that

Thank you Cameron and Heather 
For bringing this to my attention
For reminding me that I can face my fears
I wish you a lifetime of happiness and health
And Happy Lung Leavin' Day to you!

I remember a few months ago
Saying to one of my friends 
That I wished I had some boy drama in my life
And I meant it
Well now I do have some boy drama in my life
And as fun and exciting as it all is
I am thoroughly confused
The last few days have gone something like this
I texted the boy
And invited him to call out the next day
As I thought I would have the house to myself
But it turned out that I didn't
So that idea was scratched 

We arranged to meet on Tuesday
After my counselling appointment
But then he texted that he had to work
So I headed home
And told him he could call out when he was done
Then he texted that he had a flat tyre
And could I go out to him
He the sent directions to his house
But I was feeling sleepy with my meds 
And didn't feel comfortable driving that far
So I was the last one to text
And to him to text me when he could meet up
That was last night
And I haven't heard from him since

I have to say
This is wrecking my head
The constant texting back and forth
The not knowing if he likes me
Or what he really wants
I was so tempted to send him a text asking him straight out if he likes me or what
I'm not sure if this is game playing
I hate game playing
I much rather someone would be honest with me
It saves so much time and energy

And the funny thing is
That I'm not even sure that I like this guy
And yet
I want him to like me
The rational part of me knows it's not a good idea to get involved with this guy
I know it could all end in tears
Every fibre of my being is telling me to stay away from him
Yet I feel strangely drawn to him
Why is that?
Is it because I want what I can't have?
Is it because he is a so called 'bad boy'?
Is it because he is the first guy that has featured in my life since I've started to recover?
I really don't know

As I have said before 
I am so rusty and out of practice as regards dating and matters of heart 
I feel like I teenager again
Trying to figure out if the boy likes me
Trying to figure out if I like him
Or if I like the idea of him
Reading his texts
Trying to read between the lines
Ay ay ay 

So ladies
My lovely ladies
I know some of you are in relationships
Some of you are married
And some of you are single like me 
I need your help
What do I do?
What should my next move be?
Do I text him again?
Or wait for him to get in touch with me?
My feeling is that I should wait for him to make the next move
But I could ge wrong

Damn this is so confusing 
I am so baffled people 

Tuesday, 27 January 2015


I had my first counselling appointment this morning
And it couldn't have come soon enough
I used to see this lady a few years ago
And always found her good
One of the better therapists I have seen over the years
It took me a while to find the place
I had to fight through anxiety in order to drive my car
Even though I have been driving for years
I am not very confident
But then I am not very confident in general 
So I guess it spills over in to every area of my life
I found it eventually 
I knocked on the door
And I was buzzed in

The counsellor showed me in to a room
There was a clock ticking
And the obligatory box of tissues on the table
I settled in to my seat
And we began by talking about where we had left off
I stopped seeing her because I was going in to hospital
So I gave her the gist about what has been happening in my life since then

I explained how I have begun to recover
How my mood and anxiety have improved
And how I have regained weight to a healthy standard
She asked me what I would like to work on
So I told her about my lack of confidence and self esteem
And how I have very little belief in myself
How my bulimia persists 
And how I want to move on with my life
She asked me where I would like to move too
I told I wouldn't to be more sociable
Get my purging under control
And get back in to real life
As in doing a course
Or getting a job
She asked me if that's what I want
I said I feel I should do these things
And I do feel that
It's not necessarily what I want
But I feel it is expected of me

The counsellor said that I have come so far
She said I had a lot of determination 
That I can do anything I set my mind to
At one point she said I was 'some woman'
I guess I don't give myself credit for all that had happened
I tend to focus on what I haven't done
Rather than what I have done
She listed out the thins o have done
Beaten drug addiction
I have up smoking
I maintain a healthy weight
Worked on myself
And the way I feel about myself
It hasn't been easy

The counsellor gave me some methods to manage my anxiety
Skills to help me stop the negative thoughts that float around inside my head
And I need that
Practical ways to deal with these things
I'm glad I went today

I'm supposed to be meeting 'The Boy' today
My butterflies are very busy
I was supposed to go to his house
But now I think he is coming here
I guess when I spend some time with him
It will become clear whether I like him or not
At least I hope it will

Oh and I have some good news
I heard that Mary is back in her job as eating disorder specialist
That is amazing
I'm hoping it's true
I'm really hoping that it's true

I was with my friend the other day
And she commented that I look like I have lost weight
The ED part of me was delighted
And I got a little buzz
That feeling is addictive
I just want more and more of it
I asked my Mum and sister if I had lost
And they confirmed it
It's hard not to get sucked back in to that world
But I won't 
I won't let that happen
I have too much to lose now
So I am doing my level best to get back on track
I know that my weight is still settling down
And I have lost weight
But I am still in the healthy weight range
I am ok with it with my weight
I don't hate it
I don't love it
It is what it is
My BMI is at the lower tone of what is healthy
I think that is my set point

So all in all
Life is good at the moment
I have my health
And my mental health 
That is all I need
For now.......

Monday, 26 January 2015

Heart or Head?

Doctor day today
Dr M had a medical student observing today
So he was a lot more professional than usual
I played along
Like the good little recovering anorectic that I am
I asked him about my meds
And if I could go in to the pharmacy less frequently
He said that as things were going well
He would leave it as daily dispensed for another week
I guess that is best
If it ain't broke right?
He asked me if I'd had my counselling appointment yet
I told him my first one was tomorrow
Which it is
So that is progress me thinks

I'm in good form at the moment
My mood is stable
I'm having very little cravings
My weight is ok
I'm seeing friends 
And even seeing a boy
More of which later
But I still have a lot of work to do
The purging persists
Sometimes I can trick myself in to thinking that it's ok to purge 2 -4 times a day
Because at least I am not purging 10- 20 times a day
Yes it's an improvement
But to all intents and purposes
I am still very much bulimic
I still binge and purge
I still use food in an unhealthy way
Hopefully seeing a counsellor will be able to help me with that

About the boy
We were texting yesterday
I asked him if he wanted to call out here today
As I thought I'd have the house to myself
But now it looks like I won't
So I need to tell him that
And maybe arrange to do something else
I am very confused about this situation
I really don't know if I like him or not
I mean
He is a lovely guy
I think he is attractive
But I don't know if I like him more than just as a friend
I was talking with my sister and her friend
They were asking me if I get butterflies when I think of him
I do
And I think about him a lot
He's always on my mind
I love to see that he has texted
And I generally feel warm and fuzzy inside when I think about seeing him
Matters of the heart are never straight forward
There are other factors at play
He is my ex boyfriends best friend
Does that make it weird?
I'm really not sure
Also I'm not sure if I like him
Or like the idea of him
Or maybe because we used to use together 
He represents danger and intrigue 
And anyway
He might not like me at all
I my boy radar could be way off
As I have said before
I am so rusty and out of practice
I really can't tell one way or the other

I haven't had a boyfriend in years
And I've never had a boyfriend while clean and sober
This is unchartered territory
And it is scary
Mind boggling
And baffling
Why can't men and women be more forth coming and straight forward with each other?
Why can't we be open and honest
Lay all our cards on the table
Then everyone would know what was happening
It would completely eliminate the guess work
The trying to read the other persons mind
The reading of texts
And trying to read between the lines
And figure out what the other person really means

Take yesterday
The Boy took ages to reply to my text
What is that all about?
Why can't people text straight away
That would have saved me hours of agony
And because he took ages to reply
I decided to wait a while before replying
Isn't that playing mind games?
Is it being strategic
I hate these games
No good can come if it 

So I need your help dear friends
How do I know if I really have feelings for him?
How do I know I'd  he has feelings for me?
Is there a test or something I can take?
I'm kidding
But you know what I mean
Part of me thinks we should just stay friends
As anything else can turn sour and ruin a friendship
But the truth is that I would love to meet someone
And I think I am now getting to a place where that is possible
Up until now
A relationship just hadn't been on my radar
I was too sick to contemplate it
But now
Well now that I am a lot more stable
I feel ready to share my life with someone
I'm just not sure if this person is the right person

The good news is that this is a lot of fun
It's a feel good thing
I feel like I am really starting to live life
And that is an amazing feeling
I just need a little girl to girl advice
So any input is greatly appreciated

What do info ladies?
How do I know if I really like him?
And if he really likes me?
My gut feeling tells me that this is a bad idea
So do I go with my heart?
Or my head?
I think I already know the answer 
But I would love to know what you think

Sunday, 25 January 2015

The Bed War

As you know
Honey had her eye operation last Monday
And as she stayed with my Dad for a couple of days
He went out and bought her a brand new bed
Now Honey gets very attached to her beds
She spends most of her life in bed
Sometimes she moved her bed around
Putting it in the best vantage point
Her bed is currently in the utility room
Tucked in under the work top 
She loves it there
She can see everything 
The kitchen
The garden
Oh yes
Her bed is in a prime location

So when Honey was well enough to travel
My Dad brought her and her new bed up here
She now had two beds 
And we placed the new one in the kitchen beside the radiator
Honey pretty much ignored the new bed at first
Didn't even look at it
But over the course of the week
It became more and more appealing to her
First she went over and sniffed it
Then she might stand on it for a minute
And now she is using as her 'Day bed'
As in she uses it to lounge in during the day
And keeps her other bed for night time

So it was very funny today when I walked in to the kitchen 
And saw that Lea was in 
Honeys day bed
Honey was outside at the time
And so had no idea that Lea had laid claim to the new bed
I immediately got my phone out to take a shot of her
Here are Lea and  Honey and said beds

Great Baba?

I had had some very strange comments on my post about The Boy
Comments directing me to spell casters
To get what ever I want
Here are some of the comments

From Elizabeth Rosas Bella
After being in relationship with emma for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL

From Anonymous
First of all, these are just my opinions, accept or disregard them as you
see fit. Magic is a complex subject and its practitioners are a diverse
lot. I offer the following tips as a sort of "community service" because
i'd hate to think of all the vulnerable and needy folks out there who may
get hosed by an unethical magic worker.
i will like you to contact DOCTOREDEHSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM
When you are down and out - heartbroken, poor, lonely - it is easy to be
taken advantage of - this is true in all regards, but with magic in
particular. Magic has a veil of secrecy; it seems exotic and unattainable
by the uninitiated - and in some instances it is. Many folks who seek to
have magic done on their behalf know little about the subject - they just
have a willing and open mind without knowing a lot, and therefore they are
easy prey for civilians out there, unethical fakes who have flashy ads with
mysterious and real-sounding credentials who take your money and do no
magic on behalf of their paying clients. To me this is criminal, a
monumental betrayal of sacred trust.

Any way, as a confession right off the bat and to avoid any appearance of
impropriety, i myself do magic for people and sometimes offer my services
on eBay and Facebook Google and what have you.This being the case, i have
no ulterior motives in writing this guide, nor do i wish to advertise my
own work. There are a whole host of good, ethical magic practitioners out
there, and you will be Spirit-led to the one who is a best fit for you.
Not all workers are one-spell-fits-all, they all have their own gifts and
specialties, and they all take different clients. In any event, i keep my
workload down to it maximum

1.he cure HIV
2.Retrieve all lost money you to get in touch all fraudsters who ate your money
4.bring your ex lover back you to enchant your lover
6.power for ministration
7.fame and power
8.can also be a teacher if you wish to be a spell practitioner

i will like you to contact DOCTOREDEHSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM
From Paul Annie
Great Baba is a trust worthy spell caster and he will be of great help to you. I never believed in spell casting but After 5 years of marriage my husband left me because I lost my womb, and i was unable to give birth to children. I felt like my life has come to an end, and i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time, but thanks to this spell caster called Great Baba whom i met online after my friend James Tricia told me how he also helped her to bring back her husband in less than 2 days. I believed her and decided to give Great Baba a try and i contacted him on his email and explained my problems to him. He laughed and told me that In less than 2 days, my Husband will come back for me again, and that he will restore my womb and i will give birth to children. At first i thought it was a lie but i took courage and believed as Great Baba has said and it did happen just as this Great spell caster said, My husband called me and was crying, apologizing for forgiveness. I forgave him and today i am so glad that all worries and problems has gone away, and we are even happier than before, another good news is that i am pregnant now, and very soon we are expecting our baby. Great Baba is really a gifted and a powerful spiritual man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. I advice you all If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems just Contact Great Baba on his email on at anytime and just visit and see so many people testifying about his good and wonderful work. Just contact him and he will help you solve all your problems. Once again thank you Great Baba Thank you, thank you.

Very strange me thinks
Have any of you had any comments like this?

Saturday, 24 January 2015


I went  out for dinner last night
With my sister and her friend
We decided to go to a local pub
As it has great food
We arrived there around 7pm
Believe it or not
That is late for me to be out
Usually I am in my pyjamas by the time it gets dark
The food was lovely
I had beef and Guinness casserole
It was delicious
But I couldn't finish it
As time passed
More and more people came in to the pub
It was a Friday night
So people were relaxing after a hard weeks work
And letting their hair down

Two girls came in at one point
I heard them saying that one of the girls was 18 that day
And everyone was wishing her Happy Birthday
And buying her drinks
As I watched all the different groups of people
Having the 'craic' as we say in this country
I began to feel a little uncomfortable
I couldn't identify the feeling at first
Somewhere between resentment and longing
Resentful that I couldn't have a drink
And longing to be able to be part of that world
As you know
I don't drink
I had to stop
As when I drank
I drank far too much
And got in to so much trouble
I could never have just one drink
And marvelled at people who could have just one
And leave it at that
When I started drinking
I couldn't stop
Not for love nor money

Every now and then
I get really annoyed that I can't drink like a normal person
I see my brother have a pint
Or someone having a glass of wine with dinner
A civilized drink
I miss being able to have a drink
But then I never drank for the taste
I drank to get drunk
To get trashed
Out of my head
I drank to help my confidence
To talk to people
To be sociable
I drank for all the wrong reasons

So I was sitting in the pub last night
And I now know that what I was feeling was jealous
Jealous of that girl
Who had just become an adult
And had her whole life ahead of her
Jealous of the people who could have a drink
And leave it at that
Jealous of the fun I was missing out on
The laughter
The banter
The fun
I miss that

I keep having to remind myself
That I am not like everyone else
I am not like those people who can have a social drink
I am an addict
One is too many
And a thousand never enough
I remember the first time I went to treatment
I was told that I could never drink again
If I wanted to be clean and sober
I couldn't drink at all
I couldn't get my head around this
And didn't really believe that I had to stop drinking
When I left treatment I did drink
And of course that lead me back to drugs
It was only years later that I finally realized that my drinking was out of control
And I had to stop
If I wanted to lead any semblance of a normal life

When I start feeling nostalgic about using or drinking
When I start to think it's a good idea
When I am craving
When I want out of my own head
I don't have to look very far
To remind myself of the damage that addiction does
I don;t have to look further than my next door neighbours

I don't think I have written about them before
As I don't tend to talk about other people here on my blog
I won't go in to too ,much detail
But I will just give you a general idea of what their life is like
They are an elderly couple
In their 70's
And they are both alcoholics
The lead an incredibly limited and sad life
They are not in touch with their families
They never have any visitors
Their life is a very lonely one
There  has been trouble in that house over the years
When they're drunk
They fight
And I have been over their numerous times trying to keep the peace
The cops have also been called on occasion

A couple of years ago
The woman drank so much that she got a 'wet brain'
A wet brain happens when you drink so much
That you become a vegetable
She was in hospital for months
Didn't know her own name
And didn't know us when we went in to visit her
Thankfully she made a remarkable recovery
Although I am not sure if she drinks now

Last Monday night
We saw an ambulance leave their house
My Mum rang to see what had happened
The man had been taken to hospital
After an alleged stroke
We called in the next day
The woman told us that her husband had been sick since Friday
He speech was slurred
But the woman thought it was from drink
So she didn't become worried until the Monday
When he deteriorated a lot
She rang the doctor Monday lunch time
And even though she said it was an emergency
The doctor didn't arrive until late evening
When he immediately called the ambulance

I have been calling over every day
To do some jobs for her
Let her dog out
Collect her shopping
And pay her bills
Her husband is in a very bad state in hospital
And it is likely that he won't pull through
Even though he is at deaths door
He still managed to get alcohol in to the hospital
I asked the woman today of drink contributed to his condition
She said it definitely had
And that if she had rang  the ambulance sooner
He might not have deteriorated so much

This situation with my neighbours breaks my heart
And is a stark reminder of the damage and destruction that addiction does
Yes I am not like everyone else
I can't drink
Because if I do
I could  end up like these people
Completely f**ked up
Not drinking is a small price to pay
For my sanity
My peace of mind
My families peace of mind
And my heath
In my opinion
Alcohol is the worst drug there is
Especially in this country
We are a nation of drinkers
And the damage is untold
So many families torn apart by drink
So I will thank my lucky stars that I have got out of y addiction relatively unscathed
I look at my neighbours
And I think
There but for the grace of God go I
I am out of that game
I managed to get off that merry-go-round
I am one of the lucky ones

Thursday, 22 January 2015

The Boy: First meeting

So you know that I've been in contact with The Boy
The boy being my ex boyfriends best friend
We've been texting back and forth over the last few weeks
Talking about meeting up
But it never seemed to happen
So Wednesday I decided to take the bull by the horns
And suggested we meet up yesterday
In a local coffee shop
I was both thrilled and terrified when he replied
And the date was set for 3pm

I met a friend in the morning
And was able to ground myself
I really didn't want my feelings to cloud my judgement
And as you know I am impulsive and compulsive 
And can't always trust myself
So talking with my friend was great

I do not exaggerate when I say I was high on nerves all day
I still hadn't told any of my family that I was meeting The Boy
But when I told my sister I was going out to meet someone
She straight away knew I was up to something
So I told her where I was going
She also gave me a pep talk
And offered to ring me mid date 
If I needed an escape
I declined her offer
As the only reason I would have needed an escape is if he was out of his head
Or blatantly using
And  I was pretty sure he wasn't
Although I wasn't positive

Then I had to figure out what to wear
I wanted to look casual but pretty
Effortless but put together
So I decided on my blue Fat Face jumper
My wine coloured Brakeburn trousers 
My new Roxy high tops
And my Superdry snood
I also straightened my hair
And ruffled it so it looked tousled and shaggy
I decided against make up
Because I have no idea how to apply make up properly
And I didn't want to look too done up
So I applied a little foundation
Just enough to give me youthful glow

We were meeting at three
So I decided to leave early
As I wanted to be the first one to get there
I settled on a comfy couch
Ordered a cup of tea
And tried to look relaxed and confident
A few minutes later
And I get a text from the boy saying he is running a few minutes late
All this waiting was making me even more nervous
I started to worry
About what we would talk about
What he would think of me
What if idid or said something really embarrassing
What if the second I saw him
I jumped his bones
This was a lot more likely to happen than you would think
Remember I haven't dated in a long long time

To get out of my head
I picked up a newspaper 
I was sitting by the door
Do every time the door opened 
I looked up to see if it was him
Eventually he arrived
And apologised for being late 
He sat down beside me on the couch
He looked different to what I remembered
When I knew him years ago
He had a shaven head
Tattoos all over
Clean shaven
Now he has long hair
And a beard no less 
I think I said before that he is attractive in a kind of earthy manly way
Lovely eyes
 And a smile that could break hearts 

We got straight to catching up
Talked about people we knew
Where they are now
Talked about the drug
And how fucked up we were back then
We laughed
Laughed a lot
Always a good sign in my book
He told me that he has a son
And he is single
What a coincidence
So am I

We chatted for a long time
Then he went out for a smoke
And I went to the bathroom
We settled back down again
And spoke for another while
It was nice
No awkward silences
He is easy to talk to
Easy to get on with
But then
He always was

After a couple of hours
I stretched
And said I better go
We finished our drinks
And went outside
Then came the awkward bit
We had said good bye
Yet we were still standing looking at each other
I was thinking to myself should I hug him?
Does he want to kiss me?
I really couldn't gauge the situation
And I felt so silly just standing there
So I made a move to go
And said goodbye again
Even though it was obvious he was holding out for something
Sorry dude
I don't kiss on the first date
Actually that's a lie
I have kissed plenty of boys on a first date
But there was one big difference
I was either drunk or stoned
Dealing with dating and the like stone cold sober is a whole different kettle of fish let me tell you
I need to pace myself 

I got home and had a chat with my sister
I told her that I think I just want us to be friends
But I'm really not sure
I guess I don't know what I want
I felt a bit bad that I hadn't at least hugged him when I left
So I decided to text him
To tell him that it was great to see him
And to text me when he wants to meet again
He texted back and said it was great to see me too
And that I 'looked great'
What does that mean?
What does that mean people?
Is he just being nice?
Or does he like me?
Man I am so rusty and out of practice

Even though this is all very nerve wracking and confusing
I must say
It is great fun
I had forgotten how nice it feels to like someone
To get butterflies
I think this is progress ladies
Even if nothing happens between me and him
At least I have had some fun
And made a new friend

Next mission
Second date here I come.......

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

On the mend

Honey is getting a little better everyday
She is sleeping a lot
And generally taking it easy
We are spoiling her
And looking after her as best we can
Here she is today
She didn't want to get out of her new bed
So I got in with her

The scales

As you know
I smashed my scales last week
So my house is now a scale free zone
And what what a revelation that is
Over Christmas
I was weighing every day
At least once a day
And carefully recorded the number in my notebook
It's addictive
That feeling of standing on the scale
And seeing how much you're  worth
Is so addictive
But it is a game of numerical roulette
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria
I was literally measuring my worth in pounds and ounces
That number dictated my mood for the day
My self esteem
And my self worth
All dictated by those little red numbers

I didn't miss my scale at first
But a few days in
And I was dying to know
I even thought about buying  new scale
But I decided not too
No good can come of it
I am going by clothes
And they fit me just fine
So I'm ok with that

My body image is a bit all over the place at the moment
Sometimes I look in the mirror 
And I want to cry
Sometimes I think I look ok
Sometimes I think I look something approaching good
It changes from day to day
Minute to minute
And is subject to change at the drop of a hat

But you know what?
Not weighing myself every day is something of s revelation
When I threw my first scales in to the lake
I knew there was another one in the house 
So I knew I could still find out my weight if I wanted to
But this time
Well now my house is scale free
I have to tell you
It is so liberating
Apart from the odd time when I get an urge to weigh
I feel positively free
Like a heavy weight has been lifted off my  shoulders
The scale was my best friend
And my worst enemy
Depending on the number I was
I'd get up in the morning
Go to the bathroom
Then strip
And stand tentatively on the scale
Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number
Before I stood on the scale
I would have a number in my head
A safe number
Anything under that number would be gone
But anything more
And the shit would really hit the fan

So now I have no earthly clue what my weight is
And I don't think I want to know
All I know is that I feel ok in my skin
Not fantastic
But not unbearable either
I can tolerate myself 
Most of the time 
My clothes fit fine
And are even a bit loose
So I feel safe in the knowledge that my weight is settling down
And is becoming stable
Thank you Jesus
My weight is stabilising 

I feel like I am getting back to myself
After a rocky Christmas
Getting my meds daily has really helped
As I have no opportunity to misuse them
I feel clear headed
Capable and strong
And generally in better form
Now I just need to stay on track
Head down
Bum up 
And keep on going 

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Home sweet Home

Honey is home
My dad brought her here a couple of hours ago
She is still quite sedated
And got straight in to her bed
After having a little something to eat
Her eye doesn't look as bad as I thought it would
It's obvious that it is tender
And she is in a bit of discomfort
My father told me that the vet didn't want to say it in front of me
But she was in a lot of pain the last couple of weeks
So I am so relieved that she is on the road to recovery
The vet also told us that Honey is in great health
And will be around for the next 5-7 years
I was so glad to hear this

I guess what Honey needs now is lashings of TLC
My dad told me that Honey slept in his bed last night
And Honey woke him up this morning licking his face

So Honey is home
Back where she belongs
We look after her
And spoil her
And just make sure she is ok
I am so proud of her
As she just takes things in her stride
And gets on with life
She could teach me a thing or too
Here is the Honey Bunny......

Honey's operation

My sister and Honey and I travelled to my dads home town yesterday morning
Where we had an appointment with the vet at 11 30am
The roads were quite slippy 
So we really had to take our time driving
Honey slept soundly in the back seat the whole way
We arrived at my dads
Changed cars
And made our way to the vets
After speaking to the girl at reception
The vet called us in to the surgery
He was lovely to Honey
And petted her and spoke to her for a few minutes before examining her
Honey didn't even growl or anything

After Honey was feeling comfortable
The vet checked her little eye
He winced as he looked at it
Then took out a little torch
And checked it as I held her eye open
He said the eye was rupturing
And the only option was to remove it
As she was in pain
He was so very sure that the eye was dead
And she had no sight
The vet then checked her weight and heart
To make sure she was fit for surgery
He said that if Honey weighed any more
Surgery wouldn't have been possible
Honey is over weight
And that is something that I really need to address when she gets well
We left Honey in the vets capable hands
Hoping she would be ok
We would ring in the afternoon to check on her
And my dad would pick her up that evening 

My sister and I wanted to get home early
As the weather wasn't great
So we had a quick bite to eat
And set off for home
My dad rang the vets before we left
The operation went well
There were no complications
And she could be picked up in a few hours
I was so glad it went well
I couldn't wait to see her 

That evening my dad rang me to let me know that Honey was home in his house
She was very sedated
And was sleeping peacefully
She got up once
And was very confused
So my dad brought her bed in beside the fire where she went back to sleep
I rang this morning to check on her 
And she is still sleeping

All being well
My dad will bring her here today
I am so looking forward to seeing her
I have been so worried
Here are a couple of photos from yesterday

Monday, 19 January 2015

D Day

It's Monday morning
I've been to the doctor
We're just having a quick cuppa
Before we leave for the vet
It's an hour and a half drive
So I've brought honeys food and water bowl
She is completely oblivious as what is happening
But I am praying for a good outcome
Here is me this morning 
Giving her a pep talk .....

Sunday, 18 January 2015


I spent about an hour and a half last night reading my blog archive
It was truly fascinating
Every little detail from the last three years of my life documented
It really was like reading about someone else's life
A lot of things I had forgotten
Thank you pesky short term memory loss
Some things I had blocked from my memory
Some things I didn't even want to be reminded of 
But what a journey I have been on
I forget a lot of the time how much has happened
What I have been through
What I have survived
It's crazy

I went back to March 2013
Because I wanted to read about the time when I had pancreatitis
That time is very hazy
And to read all about it
As if I was a third person was chilling
It was after that hospitalisation that I began to lose weight rapidly
A lot of the posts around that time are about appointments with Mary
I don't really think about her right now because it's easier not to
But she really was an amazingly positive influence in my life
To read about her
The stories she told me
The way she told me endlessly that I could get well 
And live a full and happy life
She was so sure
So sure that I could recover
Why did I ever doubt her?

Sometimes I think about my life
And how little I have to show for my 33 years on this earth
If I think about it too much
It can really get me down
People always tell me 
That I have overcome so much
I've battled drug addiction
Anorexia and bulimia
But I have had to fight those demons to get to the point where most people start off
I am now at the point in my life
Or least I am getting to the point in my life
Where most people are before they can walk
A 'normal' healthy functioning human being
I feel like I am so far behind
I don't know if I will ever catch up 
Or if I even want to

I have far too much time on my hands
And my mind is going to 'dark and twisty' places 
Too dark and twisty for my liking
I think about drugs
And how I miss them
I think about The boy
And how much trouble we could get in together
I think about death
And how I equally fear it and welcome it
I really wish my mind had an off switch 
As all this thinking is making me crave oblivion

Edit: This post was brought to you by a girl whose head, for a brief period today, was up her ass
Don't worry
I haven't 
And will not do any of said 'dark and twisty' things
Normal service will resume tomorrow
When said head is out of said ass
And yes
I am loving using the word 'said' at the moment
Said word is awesome.....

Saturday, 17 January 2015

Clothes Post #12

As you ready know
I am a hoody, jeans and trainers type of girl
And prefer the surfer look
Even though I have never surfed a day in my life
Well today I treated myself to a pair of cream Roxy trainers
They were in the sale
So I thought why  bloody not
Too good an opportunity to miss out on
Forget about the fact that I am an impulsive compulsive shopper who can not help herself
I had to sneak said trainers in to my house
As I am supposed to be saving for our Camino trip in September
#Never gonna happen
I also bought this blue hoody
Which already featured in my 'smash the scale' post
Here they are.....

'These are a few of my favourite things..........'

EThis post is inspired by ThewriternamedA
Who did a very cool list about her favourite things of 2014
This is more a general list of my favourite things of this moment
So here goes.....

Favourite song:
Take me to church - Hozier
Sedated - Hozier
Actually anything by Hozier (And not just because he is Irish)

Favourite book:
The Dinner by Herman Koch
Such a page turner

Favourite Tv show:
Last year it was Breaking Bad
This year it is Orange is the new black
Couldn't choose between the two

Favourite film:
Mmmm this is a hard one
I loved Gone Girl
The fault in our stars
Too many to mention
But these are some of the best

Favourite drink:
Hot sweet tea
Always hot sweet tea
Some things never change
Anything can solved over a cup of tea

Favourite item of clothing:
It's a tie between my new blue Roxy hoody
And the blue jumper from Fat Face that I wore on Christmas day

Favourite animal:
Lea and Honey of course
Who else?

Favourite quote:
'I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am' - unknown
My eternal favourite quote

Favourite colour:
Purple - My bedroom has  a lot of purple
Navy - Is the colour that suits me best to wear

Favourite place:
Bundoran beach on a cold Winter morning
York (Holiday summer 2014)

Favourite food:
Since my sister came home from Australia
We have all been eating like queens
She is an amazing cook
I now know that up until 6 months ago
I didn't know what good food was
It's really hard to pick a favourite food
But if I had to
It would be Sicilian beef stew
Lip smackin' good

Favourite restaurant:
Maddens in my home town
Or Langs

Favourite gadget:
Definitely my iphone
I am a late comer to the wonder that is the iphone
But I got there eventually

Some other of my favourite things:
Internet shopping
When said shopping arrives at my door
Opening said shopping
You really can't beat the feeling of getting a package delivered to your door
Sometimes I don't open the package for some time as I want the feeling to last

Getting letters/cards in the post
I just love to get something hand written
And I love to send handwritten cards and letters too

Collecting my dogs from the kennels
There's nothing more friendly than  a wet dog

Being hungry
I love working up an appetite
And then sitting down to a home cooked meal
Everything tastes better when you are really hungry

I hate having showers
But I love the feeling of being squeaky clean
I also love getting in to bed when the linen has just been changed
Such a lovely feeling

When I was a smoker
I would have said the first smoke of the day
But I am now a non smoker
So I like to imagine....

Waking up from a bad dream
And realizing that it's not real

Getting emails/test messages
I'm such a nerd
But I love to hear the tinkle of my phone
To notify me that I have got a message

Laying my head on my pillow at night
Those few brief moments before o fall asleep
When I know I have gotten through another day
For those few minutes my head is clear
I feel calm
And feel like any thing is possible

What are some of your favourite things?

Friday, 16 January 2015

Appreciation and operations

Thanks so much for your feedback on my last post
I feel so out of touch with things in that area so your input was much appreciated
The general consensus seemed to be to proceed with caution
Which I most definitely will
I guess when I think about it
I get butterflies
But I don't know if they are because of him
Or because of the fact that I used to use with him
And Lilly to answer your question
I don't think he is using
As in using heroin
But I think he may be dabbling in other stuff
Which both terrifies me and thrills me

I've always been a person who thrives on danger
And this situation is dangerous
That's what makes it so fascinating
But I should know better
Any decisions  I make should be done so with a clear head
And with my best interests at heart

But at the moment
That situation will have to wait
I have bigger fish to fry
Honey is my priority
Her appointment has been made for Monday
So after the doctor
We will travel to my dads home town 
To the vets for 11 30am
He will examine her eye
And if it needs to be removed
He will do it there and then
Depending on how Honey is after the operation
She will either stay the night in the vets house
Or if she is doing well
She can go home to my dads house
And he will bring her home to me on Tuesday
Our whole family is keeping their fingers and toes crossed that everything will go as well as it can
I'm just glad that something is being done about it
So Honey can get back to being herself again

Thursday, 15 January 2015

The Boy

I've wanted to write this post for a while
But have avoided it as I know that some of my family read this blog
I am going to write it anyway
As I need to write about this
Here goes

I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time
A really long time
Partly because I was sick
And boys just weren't on my radar
Partly because I hated myself so much
And didn't trust anyone who showed me any kind of positive attention
Mostly because I was too busy trying to kill myself with various addictions
I didn't have the energy or the inclination to date

You may remember a post I did about a year ago called 'Blast from the past'
It was about a guy I had run in to here in my home town
I was walking my dogs on my road one day
And a jeep pulled up
Someone stuck their head out the window
And called my name
I didn't know who the heck it was at first
But as I got closer to the jeep
I saw it was indeed a blast from the past
It was my ex-boyfriends best friend
A guy that has been in and out of my life for years
As I spoke to him
He told me that he was living up here now
There was also a girl in the jeep with him
Who I presumed was his girlfriend
I can remember that day so clearly
My heart was thumping in my chest
As memories came flooding back
I actually became worried that he was so close by
I mean I came here to get away from all that shit
But I thought maybe he came up here for the same reason as I did
To start a new life
We exchanged phone numbers
And said we would meet up soon
But I wasn't sure if I wanted to

Since then
I have run in to this guy a couple of times
Then I went in to treatment
And we lost contact again
Then Christmas this year
He texted me to see if I wanted to meet up
I was nervous but we arranged to meet up this week for coffee
The universe intervened
And we were snowed in
He texted that morning to say that his jeep wouldn't start
So we said we would leave it for another day

He has been on my mind a lot
Back when we were using
There was four of us that hung out together
Me and my boyfriend
And this guy and his girlfriend
I always thought this guy was good looking
In a sort of earthy manly kind of way
He was always in trouble
And I guess that appealed to me to
But nothing ever happened between us
And I suppose I am wondering why he wants to meet
Is it genuinely for a coffee and a chat
Or is it something more that he wants
I am so out of practice with flirting and such
That I really can't tell what he wants
I don't even know what I want

But I think this
What I am going through
Is pretty normal for someone my age
I guess it is progress because it means I am healthy enough to consider such things
The ball is in my court now
He said to text him when I want to meet up
But that;s the thing
I don't know what I want
And I wish I knew what he wanted

This is where you all come in
I need some girl to girl advice
What do you think about my meeting this guy?
Do you think I am on dodgy territory?
Should I leave well enough alone?
Or should I pursue this?


We are family

As you know
I smashed my scales to bits  the other day
My house is now scale free
And I intend to keep it that way
That does not quell my curiosity
I am dying to know what my weight is
Every time I go in to collect my meds
My attention is draw the huge scale in the corner of the shop
It's one of those fancy, new fangled ones
That measures your weight and body fat and blood pressure amongst other things
I used to use it all the time
I must have been quite a sight
Taking of as many layers as I could get away with in public
Studying the little slip of paper it shoots out
Like it was a winning Lottery ticket
I saved those pieces of paper
Kept them in my wallet
And took them out regularly to read them
To ease my mind that I wasn't overweight

And then I noticed the other day
That my chemist is stocking Weight Watchers scales
You know the ones
You can track your weight progress and that sort of thing

Not to mention all the weight loss aids that are being promoted now
I see all sorts of things as I walk around the shop
Slimming aids
Meal replacement shakes
Meal replacement soups
Protein bars
All kinds of pills and potions
It doesn't trigger me really
But it does fascinate me
I remember being in the chemist one day
And one of the shop assistants was explaining to a woman
How this particular product 'binds to the fat in your body'  so it is eliminated
I remember thinking how silly do you have to be to believe this stuff
Surely of any of these products worked
Then nobody would be over weight

When you have an ED
You go to any lengths to lose weight
At least I did
Laxatives (Don't work)
Enemas (Don't work)
Salt flushes (Don't work)
Diet pills (Don't work)
Fasting (Only leads to a binge)
Purging (Works only to a point)

And if there is one thing that I have learned over the years
Is that thin does not make me happy
I have been every size
From zero to twelve
And I can honestly say that I was equally miserable at all them
So at the moment
I am going by how my clothes fit
And they fit just fine
So let's go with that

On to another matter
Outdoor Junkie mentioned me in her last post
And said I had helped her reach out and ask for help
She write about how after so long she is ready to accept help
I was so delighted to read this post for a couple of reasons
First I am so happy that she asked for help
That is the first and most vital step
I think us ED girls don't like to tell others about our struggles
We are ashamed
We feel guilty
We feel we are a burden if we ask for help 
In fact it's quite the opposite
It takes s lot of courage to ask for help
Those three words
Please help me
Are so difficult to say
But if we can find the strength to say them
The relief is immense
So well done OJ
I am so proud of you

It warms my heart
And fills me with joy
To know that my blog is helping others
Sometimes I am writing
And I'm wondering if anyone is reading
Or if I am just shouting in to the abyss that is the internet
So to road that my words have gone some way to helping someone else
Whether it is to ask for help
Or that that person can relate and doesn't feel so alone
That blows my mind

As you know
My writing policy has always been to be open and honest
Brutally honest
I know a lot blogs out there paint a picture that recovery is plain sailing
That everything is rainbows and sunshine once you choose recovery
And maybe it is that way for some people
It's not for me 
My recovery had been tumultuous to say the least
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows
It's a rollercoaster
As my sponsor used to say to me
Hang on to your hat, it's going to be a bumpy ride

No more than life
Recovery is not a smooth run
Life is tough
It's hard going
It can be frustrating
The whole gamut of emotions
Recovery is the same

My aim writing this blog
Has always been to help myself
To connect with others
And hopefully to help others through my experience with addiction and disordered eating 
So to know that is happening is truly wonderful

I know I say it a lot
But this community never ceases to amaze me
How we help and support each other
It's unique and so very special
I will continue to write
I will continue to fight against this cruel illness 
The illness that wants us dead
The illness that steals the best years of our lives
That wants to control our bodies and minds
That wants to isolate us from those that love us
The illness that tells us we are weak and pathetic and good for nothing
It is so important that we keep putting
One foot in front of the other and keep going
That we fight every day for a better life
It's so important that we don't lose our will to live
That we keep hoping
And believing that there is hope after our EDs
Because there is
I am just starting to see that
I am getting a glimpse of what my life could be
And that is so wonderful
So please 
Don't ever give up
Keep your head up
Don't listen to your ED that whispers in your ear
It's lies
It's all horse shit

As they say in AA
We alone can do it
But we can not do it alone