Monday, 26 January 2015

Heart or Head?

Doctor day today
Dr M had a medical student observing today
So he was a lot more professional than usual
I played along
Like the good little recovering anorectic that I am
I asked him about my meds
And if I could go in to the pharmacy less frequently
He said that as things were going well
He would leave it as daily dispensed for another week
I guess that is best
If it ain't broke right?
He asked me if I'd had my counselling appointment yet
I told him my first one was tomorrow
Which it is
So that is progress me thinks

I'm in good form at the moment
My mood is stable
I'm having very little cravings
My weight is ok
I'm seeing friends 
And even seeing a boy
More of which later
But I still have a lot of work to do
The purging persists
Sometimes I can trick myself in to thinking that it's ok to purge 2 -4 times a day
Because at least I am not purging 10- 20 times a day
Yes it's an improvement
But to all intents and purposes
I am still very much bulimic
I still binge and purge
I still use food in an unhealthy way
Hopefully seeing a counsellor will be able to help me with that

About the boy
We were texting yesterday
I asked him if he wanted to call out here today
As I thought I'd have the house to myself
But now it looks like I won't
So I need to tell him that
And maybe arrange to do something else
I am very confused about this situation
I really don't know if I like him or not
I mean
He is a lovely guy
I think he is attractive
But I don't know if I like him more than just as a friend
I was talking with my sister and her friend
They were asking me if I get butterflies when I think of him
I do
And I think about him a lot
He's always on my mind
I love to see that he has texted
And I generally feel warm and fuzzy inside when I think about seeing him
Matters of the heart are never straight forward
There are other factors at play
He is my ex boyfriends best friend
Does that make it weird?
I'm really not sure
Also I'm not sure if I like him
Or like the idea of him
Or maybe because we used to use together 
He represents danger and intrigue 
And anyway
He might not like me at all
I my boy radar could be way off
As I have said before
I am so rusty and out of practice
I really can't tell one way or the other

I haven't had a boyfriend in years
And I've never had a boyfriend while clean and sober
This is unchartered territory
And it is scary
Mind boggling
And baffling
Why can't men and women be more forth coming and straight forward with each other?
Why can't we be open and honest
Lay all our cards on the table
Then everyone would know what was happening
It would completely eliminate the guess work
The trying to read the other persons mind
The reading of texts
And trying to read between the lines
And figure out what the other person really means

Take yesterday
The Boy took ages to reply to my text
What is that all about?
Why can't people text straight away
That would have saved me hours of agony
And because he took ages to reply
I decided to wait a while before replying
Isn't that playing mind games?
Is it being strategic
I hate these games
No good can come if it 

So I need your help dear friends
How do I know if I really have feelings for him?
How do I know I'd  he has feelings for me?
Is there a test or something I can take?
I'm kidding
But you know what I mean
Part of me thinks we should just stay friends
As anything else can turn sour and ruin a friendship
But the truth is that I would love to meet someone
And I think I am now getting to a place where that is possible
Up until now
A relationship just hadn't been on my radar
I was too sick to contemplate it
But now
Well now that I am a lot more stable
I feel ready to share my life with someone
I'm just not sure if this person is the right person

The good news is that this is a lot of fun
It's a feel good thing
I feel like I am really starting to live life
And that is an amazing feeling
I just need a little girl to girl advice
So any input is greatly appreciated

What do info ladies?
How do I know if I really like him?
And if he really likes me?
My gut feeling tells me that this is a bad idea
So do I go with my heart?
Or my head?
I think I already know the answer 
But I would love to know what you think


  1. You áre making such progress ... I ám however still very glad to read that you finally have the first appointment with the counsellor. You need some support, with both ED and other addictive ways (or just thoughts) from an independant and objective professional.

    About the boy, I am not of great help there I presume. I have followed my heart a few times and that made me realize that I should follow my head in matters of the heart. Nevertheless I would not change any of those experiences. So... ;-)
    But if he keeps on texting you and coming over to see you, it looks like he likes you... If I were you I would make absolutely sure he has quit all addictive habits and is not still roaming arround in the same scene. That could be a slippery slope you know...
    If not, and he is as much walking the road of recovery as you yourself are then why not see how thing evolve?


  2. Well, gut feelings are usually right, but it could also be that you are projecting the old days. Helpful, right? Proceed with caution, I'd say. It could be that you'd be perfect together; sometimes the past really is another country.

  3. I was literally in the same position about a month ago..for me it turned out beneficial and my guy left my apartment this morning and it was just such a lovely way to start the week. I figure you know if you like someone if you think about them, think about sharing things with them just because you think they'd like it's just gauging whether you have a connection or not and how strong it is. And in terms of rational, going with your head, sometimes your head or heart can be wrong. My head keeps telling me I'm too messed up to be with this guy, but my heart says otherwise. However it works out, just be yourself and most importantly be honest. Love you.

  4. I think it is fine and good and healthy to be willing to give it a shot with someone and make mistakes and feel things without chemicals altering your thoughts and learn from the experience, whether it works out or not. I don't regret my stupid dating mistakes because of what I learned about myself and how I grew because of them.

    I think it's dangerous to be with someone because of the rush, the risk, the danger. I think it's wrong to be with someone who jeopardizes your recovery, your years of being clean.

    I think I don't have the answer about which this might be for you.


Thank you for leaving some love x