Friday, 23 June 2017

A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse...!

Hello fellow bloggers
Friends 
Fellow readers and writers 
Fellow survivors
My dear sisters
Life is pretty busy at the moment 
I work three days a week
And also go horse riding 2-3 times a week
As well as seeing Coco
It's tricky trying to fit everything in
But I do my best 
And I am loving what I'm doing so it's really not like work at all
The place where I work is called St. Vincent de Paul Holiday Centre
Which is a charity run centre that help people who ordinarily wouldn't be able to afford a holiday
It's like a hotel
Kind of
But it's more like a big house 
With a living room
Dining room
Bar
I have to say that I love it
If you have been reading recently 
You will know that I really struggled with anxiety in the lead up to starting 
To the point that I didn't think I would make it
Now of course I am wondering what I was worried about 
It's hard work
But not difficult 
Basically I wear many hats at work
Receptionist 
Waitress
Cleaner
Advice giver 
And generally just being there to assist anyone that needs it 
It's nicely busy 
So I'm kept going 
Which I like as the time flies by
It's a great feeling to be working 
To be busy 
To be earning money
To be out in the world 
Meeting people 
Helping our guests enjoy their holiday
Much better than sitting at home 
Thinking myself in to oblivion
So yes
I am very content and happy
Of course things are not perfect 
My Dads health is a concern
I'm still getting used to this body 
My meds can be tricky 
But I am doing my best to keep it all together 
To stay well
And to keep moving forward  
I see Coco as much as I can 
His owner is a very difficult person to deal with 
I mean this man loves to wind me up
One minute he's talking about finding Coco a new home 
The next he is talking about getting a pony for riding 
I would take Coco in a heart beat if I could 
I did inquire about renting a field near my house 
But no takers as of yet
As well as that 
I just don't feel I have enough experience to take on what in reality is a next to wild animal 
And I definitely don't have the funds to spare if he ever needs a vet or treatment of any kind
It would be irresponsible of me to take him on
I am however hoping that Cocos owner will find him a good home where I can visit him and still continue to work with him
As I am too involved now to walk away
I just couldn't leave him
He needs me 
And I am so fond of him
I just want what is best for him
That's all

Last Thursday 
I turned up to my riding lesson to find that it has been cancelled for some reason
So I was asked if I wanted to tag along on a two hour trek
I figured why not
I was with two young German girls called Emma and Lisa 
I was riding a beautiful girl called Molly
And Anke was out trek leader 
First we walked down to the beach 
Where we trotted, cantered and galloped 
It was my first time to canter on a beach
And it was utterly exhilarating!
I loved every second of it
We continued down the beach 
And across some fields 
Then we arrived in the next village and crossed the road onnto a track
One of the lanes was quite boggy 
And there was a puddle in the middle of the lane
My horse seemed flummoxed as to what to do
So she made a huge jump over it
I was thrown back 
Then forward
And came off Molly on my right side 
I was at the back of the ride
So no one noticed me falling until I called out
I quickly realised I wasn't hurt
And went to hold Molly
Anke dismounted and came down to me
We established that I was ok 
So I jumped back up on Molly
We took it easy the rest of the way back to the centre
Despite my fall 
I loved the trek
The next day my arms and legs were so sore 
But it was a very satisfying kind of sore
I couldn't wait to go on another trek
So I decided to ask my 16 year old nephew to come with me 
I booked an hours beach trek for us 
And we went yesterday 
We were in a group with two American girls who had never ridden before 
My nephew was on a huge horse called Gypsom
And I was on a beautiful girl called Anna
Another brilliant ride 
And my nephew seemed to really enjoy it
So I think I will bring him again soon
It's so lovely to have found something that I love to do
It makes life so much more enjoyable 
So whatever it is that makes you happy 
Be it pottery
Gardening 
Running 
Drawing
Singing 
Dancing 
Cooking 
Travelling 
Do it 
Do it as much as you can 
Free your mind 
Feed your soul
This is what life is all about 
Doing what you love 
And loving what you do
What is your passion?

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

Week 2

Yesterday
I finished my second week at work
I've also been looking after my Dad this week as my Mam was away
It was a long week
And it's so lovely to have a few days off
On Sunday 
I worked the 4-12am shift alone 
I was anxious before it
As I've never done that shift before 
As you can imaging I spent the whole week thinking about it
Almost dreading it
I would rather not be there on my own
But there was only 15 staying in the house 
So only one person is needed on every shift
Yesterday I was on 8-4pm
So rather than going hint and conning back a few hours later 
I decided to stay the night there
It was Avery quiet night 
And I spent a couple of hours just chatting with the guests 
It's funny how something I was dreading so muchg
Can turn around and flip what you expected 
I think about the run up to my starting work
I was a complete basket case 
And really wasn't sure if I would be able to start I felt that bad
But now
Two weeks later 
And I am now wondering what I was so worried for 
Basically working there is like running a big house
It's not complicate at all
But it is hard work
Am on my feet all day
Running between three floors 
Lots of lifting and physical work
And it's busy
But I would rather be busy than bored any day of the week
It's like a big never ending circle 
You set and serve breakfast 
And by the time you havr everything washes and put away 
It's time to start lunch
So it's a bit like ground hog day
But it's very satisfying to have a sparkling and shiny kitchen at the end of the day
I've also made some new friend at work which is lovely 
Our manager is very good at choosing her work staff
Everyone is sound, hard working and easy to get along with 
So I am a happy camper all round

The only thing about work
Is that I'm not getting to see Coco as much 
I used to see him every day without fail
But now it's four times a week
Which is still good I guess
I am doing my best though 
And the time I do have with him is very special
Unfortunately 
Relations with Cocos owner are breaking down 
He is being very difficult 
Not an easy person to deal with
I texted him this morning about enclosing Coco in a smaller area
He texted me back to 'go ahead'
This made my blood boil
As he knows good and well that I can't do it alone 
And even if I could 
The expense should not fall to me
I've already spent a lot of money on Coco 
And to expect me to pay for fencing is just not on
Technically when it comes down to it
It's not my land or my pony 
And really his owner needs to take some responsibility to look after his own animal
I have brought Coco on so much 
To the pony where he trusts me
And his best friend Lea
I could actually see this coming 
His owner has been a smart arse from the start
I've had to bite my tongue thus far
But no more 
Even though I love Coco 
And would do anything for him
I'm not prepared to be tested like a door mat
He is messing with the wrong girl..
Another option I have is that I buy Coco 
And move him to a field nearer to me
I have someone in mind to ask
So that could be a possibility 
Whatever happens 
I am not turning my back on the pony 
I'm way too involved now

In other news 
Summer is here 
Although you wouldn't know it in this country
Having gained weight 
I am not thrilled at the prospect of getting my arms and legs out
I know it's bad but I've been tanning 
As it makes looking at myself a little less painful 
But to be honest 
My ED feels very far away now
I don't even think about it really
And even at this weight 
It doesn't really bother me that much 
Yea I know
I'm confused too
But weight has come to be of little importance to me recently 
I never though I would hear myself say it
But I am not a size 10-12 European 
I have curves 
I have boobs galore
My thighs are substantial 
But I am more curious and interested than anything 
Of course this means I am in the process of buying new clothes 
And dressing a new shape
I've discovered that instead of trying to Hide myself in tent like clothes 
It's much much better to embrace my curves 
And make the most of my shape
I don't need to tell you that this is massive progress
I have foung that in recover, the body recovers first 
And it takes the kind a lot longer to get better 
But ladies let me tell you that it's worth the wait
To feel
Comfortable in your own skin is just amazing 
Better than any weight loss 
Better than seeing the number on the scales go down
I shit you not!
I am just so grateful to be in a good place
And I am blessed and lucky to have a crack team of family and friends around me
Who have carried me when I thought I couldn't go on
Recovery is a team effort 
I think often times the families and friends around the sufferer are almost forgotten about 
Addiction, mental health and other conditions effect the whole family 
The whole family lives through it
It's the same in recovery 
Families need support
They need to be minded too
As they are the ones who got us through 
Who held us 
Let us cry on their shoulder 
Who forgave us 
And never gave up on us
They are brilliant without a doubt 
So thank you 
To all the Mams, Dads, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunties, uncles, children, friend and not forgetting the animals in our lives 
They are to be celebrated
Because without them
God knows where we would be

I'll leave it there for today 
Thank you for reading 
And for being there
From the bottom of my heart
Thank you💜

Saturday, 3 June 2017

The first step is always the hardest...

It's Saturday evening
And I'm chillin out at home
My first week of work is over
And I now have a few days off which is nice
Work went better than expected 
And even though I had my doubts
I think I will get through the summer ok
Getting my first pay cheque helped massively 
Even if I did have to hand it all over to a mechanic
My car is fixed for now 
So hopefully it goes for me for another while 
My Mam goes away on Monday for a week
So I will be here alone with my Dad
He needs a lot of help now 
His hands are all but useless 
Making pretty much everything nigh on impossible 
From buttons to forks to drinking a cup of tea
Patience of a saint is required 
But we manage 

In other news 
I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday 
And in my friends you might know 
I saw a photo of an extremely evacuated girl 
And from doing a bit of snooping 
I discovered she has anorexia 
And also writes a blog
Being a good while in to my recovery 
The feelings I felt looking at this photo were ones of empathy and compassion
I felt no trigger
No desire to be like her 
No immediate plan to lose weight 
I felt sorry for her
Because her body is vocalising what she can't say
My thoughts then turned to myself 
I have no idea what I weigh right now
And have no desire to know
My body shape has changed a lot over the last year 
I've gone from being a petit little girl
To a curvy and shapely woman 
A lot of my clothes don't fit me now
And I'm having to buy new ones
In new sizes too
I caking very easily lose my shit over my weight gain
And a year  ago I could not have handled this at all
But today 
Well today I am ok with my weight
I've decided that I have three options with my weight 
I can change it
I can ignore it
Or I can accept it
I've decided to accept it
As really 
In the grand scheme of things 
What's a few pounds here and there 
The people in my life who love me don't care what I weigh 
And those who do care and judge my weight are not real friends 
I'm pretty sure that this is the highest weight I've ever been
I have boobs galore 
And a booty you could eat your dinner off
And you know what?
I am perfectly ok with that 
I am a firm believer in rocking what you've got 
And at the moment I have curves 
So instead of covering them in tent like clothes 
I am going to dress them to highlight them
Accentuate the positive and all that
Skinny No longer holds any glamour or wonder for me
Skinny is fine 
But so is curvy
It's more than fine 
It's sexy
It's unique 
It's attractive 
And for the first time probably ever in my life 
I feel ok in my skin
Now don't get me wrong 
I have plenty of days when I feel like I want to take a hatchet to my body 
I have days when I despair that none of my beautiful clothes no longer fit me
But 
They are just clothes 
They are replaceable 
It's not a big deal
The great thing about diversity is how individual you can be
I spent quite a while hiding my new body in blankets of fabric
Now I have decided to embrace my curves
To show off rather than camouflage 
And there is one more thing about body image that money can't buy 
And that is confidence 
Confidence 
No matter what you wear 
Or what you look like 
If you have confidence 
If you act like you don't care 
If you rock what you've got and then some 
Then that is extremely attractive 
So yes 
One thing I've learned 
Is that the size of your body has absolutely categorically nothing to do with your happiness
I thought when I reached a certain weight I would be happy 
What a load of old shit
All that happened was that instead of being healthy and miserable 
I was now under weight and miserable 
And here I am now probably double my lowest weight 
And I am still hanging in there 

I went over to see Coco this morning 
With my sister and Honey and Lea
I was a bit worried about seeing Coco 
As the last time I saw him he was pushy to the point of being aggressive 
But today he was in much better form
And back to his gentle cheeky self
Which I was so glad to see
He was delighted to see his bestie Lea
And followed her all around the field like a puppy
Very cute
Relations with Cocos owner are starting to break down though
He is slimy
Smart arsed
Selfish
Egotistical 
I really don't like having to deal with him
So I try and avoid him at all costs
But I know that is going to cause problems in the future 
I just hope I can continue to see Coco 
As that pony is part of my life now 
I'm too attached to walk away now

I feel a bit restless at the moment 
I want to do something 
Like get another piercing or tattoo
Or dye my hair a mad colour 
Pink would be nice 
But I don't think work would appreciate that 
I'm doing my best to save some money this summer 
It's not easy when you are as impulsive as I am
I swear I have my wages spent before I even get them!

I sincerely hope that all of you are doing ok
Do comment and let me know you are there
I'm off to make a cuppa
See you on the next post...