Wednesday, 29 June 2016

The calm before the storm....

I have yesterday 
And tomorrow off work 
So far 
Work has been busy 
But manageable 
This Friday 
We are going to have 60 guests 
Many of whom are small children 
A full house 
So it's going to be mental to say the least
My new hours are now kicking in
So from this weekend 
My hours will be as follows 
4pm - 8pm Friday
8am-12pm Saturday
12pm-8pm Sunday
And 4pm - 8pm Wednesday 
This suits me fine 
About 20 hours a week 
And mostly weekends 
So I can fit all my other things around it
My only complaint is that myself and Sinead are not working together at all
We have become friends very quickly 
And text each other when we're not working 
Even though she is only 19
She is smart 
With a lot of common sense 
We get along great 
She texted me yesterday 
To let me know that a group of ladies who were staying with us 
Left a card with €125 in it for the staff
How lovely is that?
It just goes to show 
That people do appreciate your hard work 
That money will go towards a night out for the staff
And just the thought alone is so nice 
I really feel appreciated in work 
Which is such a good feeling 
Because often people don't give positive feedback 
So to get it is amazing 
And makes all my effort and hard work worth it 

Today being Wednesday 
I had horse riding this morning 
The centre is an hours drive from my house 
And today was the first day that I drove it myself 
My Mam came with me 
But I drove the whole way 
It's great to build up my confidence 
So hopefully when I pass my test 
Myself and Fintan can take turns driving 
But bloody hell 
There are some lunatics on the road 
I saw a man drive through a roundabout 
And another guy over took me on the left hand side 
My nerves were shot!
But I'm glad I did it 
I'm sure it will get easier and easier ea h time 

In other news 
I was in the supermarket with my Mam this week 
They were selling talking scales 
Holy shit 
I can't think of anything worse!
But I had a weak moment 
And put the scale in our trolley 
My Mam said nothing and just gave me a look
I was having a fight in my head 
About whether to buy it or not 
But in the end 
I put it back 
It was a moment of weakness 
And i came to my senses 
And I'm so glad I did 
Nothing wrecks my head more than weighing myself 
No good can come of it

I asked Eilish at riding today 
If it would be possible for me to do two lessons in a Wednesday 
Rather than one 
Just because I travel so far 
And having two lessons would make it more worthwhile 
Age said that it might be too much for me 
But she would think about it 
And maybe bring me out for a half day every week
That would be so brilliant If it worked out 
I just love being out there 
With the people 
Who have shown me what a true friend looks like 
The horses especially Star 
Who has gently coached me from my first lesson back in March 
There is no doubt about it 
Riding has been 
And continues to be a life line
Having made new friends 
At riding 
At work 
I now see that there are some people in my life who I would be better off without 
People who suck the life out of me 
And don't have my best interests at heart 
I know now that I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness 
I will not put up with people using me
Passive aggressively bullying me
Picking me up and putting me down when they feel like it 
I will not be a door mat any more 

Having said all that 
I was wondering about you 
Have you ever had to cut people out of your life?
Was it difficult?
And was it worth it?
Do you feel better off without them?
Inquiring minds want to know....

Monday, 27 June 2016


Even though it's Monday
I am finished work for the week
As I mainly work weekends 
And am not back in until Friday
The centre is busy these days 
About 35 guests in all
It doesn't sound like a lot 
And the capacity is 60
But there is still a lot of stuff to be done 
A guest usually stays full board 
So they get their room
A continental breakfast 
Including porridge, cereal and toast
The at 1pm
They get a three course lunch 
Of soup
And dessert 
Then a hot tea at 6pm
It's down to me to get the dining room ready for each sitting 
And clean up afterwards 
Which includes doing all the dishes 
And there are a hell of a lot of dishes 
Then clean the dining room
And reset for the next meal
This week 
There was a group of 25 ladies all together 
Two couples 
And a single man 
It takes a while to get to know everyone
And some people you'll see more than others 
They all watched the Ireland match yesterday 
And we opened the bar for them 
I've never worked behind a bar before 
And I really liked it 
It was good to do something different 
And get out of the kitchen for a while

I mostly work with a girl called Sinead 
She is lovely 
And we get in great 
She is 19
But a very mature and savvy 19
Now we have got in to a good system of the way we work 
We are like a tag team 
We do everything together 
And have the craic too
Yesterday was a great day in work 
Myself and Sinead were doing the dining room after lunch 
When one of the ladies came in 
I saw her hand Sinead something 
That I thought was a five euro note 
Sinead wouldn't take it 
And either would I
But the guest insisted 
And told us to keep it for our selves 
Eventually we took the money 
And when I looked at it
I saw it was a €20 note 
I was shocked 
We both gave her a big hug 
And she thanked us for helping make their holiday 
How nice was that?
That's a big tip to me 
And means I have a little extra to get through the week 

Then after that 
I was in the office with my manager Georgina 
Trying to sort out my tax 
I was just heading out the door 
When she called be back and told me that I am doing a great job
She said that I am hard working 
Not afraid to muck in 
And that I ooze warmth and compassion 
I was blown away by this 
It was so lovely to hear
And in fact it was exactly what I needed to hear 
As I doubt myself so much 
And have regular crisis of confidence 
But they affirmation just made my day
I told Georgina that I thought the job was doing me the world of good 
And that I could feel my confidence getting better every day
She said she had noticed it too 
Then I got some more good news 
Like my day couldn't get any better 
Georgina told me that she's going to keep me on in September 
How awesome is that?
It's totally awesome!!

After that 
My shift was nearly over 
And all our work was done 
So I sat out the front and chatted to some of the guests 
There was one man called Gerry 
He told me that I am a very special person 
And gave me a big hug when I was leaving 
I left work on cloud nine 
With a warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy 
For the first time since I started work 
I really feel appreciated 
It's one thing getting paid for the work 
And of course that is why we do it 
But hearing the words of appreciation is just the cherry on the cake for me 
It makes it all worth while 
You know I just go about my business in work 
I'm friendly 
Chat with the guests 
And am always willing to do any thing to help out with them
Myself and Sinead are similar 
In that we both want to make their holiday a special one 
And will do anything we can to do that 
Because these are vulnerable people 
Who might not ordinarily get a holiday 
And that just makes me want to do more to make their stay a great one 
So yes 
Today was a good day 
The only thing I have to watch is my food 
I tend to be on the go for long periods of time 
And I can forget to eat 
But I feel so shit when I don't eat 
So I try and have something 
A small dinner 
Or a sandwich 
Something just to keep me going 
I need to remember that I am doing so much running around at work 
That I probably need to eat that but more 
Just to keep my energy up 
That's ok 
I'll figure it out 

That's me for today 
I'm off to have a wee rest 
And a cuppa 
See you on the next post.....

Friday, 24 June 2016


I am grateful for my health 
That despite the hell I have put my body through over the years
It has survived this far 
Relatively unscathed 

I am grateful for my family 
Even though we have been at logger heads over the years 
We still managed to get through it
And come out stronger than ever

I am grateful for my beautiful pups
Honey and Lea 
Who have been at my side for the past eleven years 
Always there 
So loving 
So full of joy 
They have saved my sanity countless times 

I am grateful for my job
It means so much to me 
That someone would take a chance on me and hire me
It feels amazing to be earning my own money 
It's doing wonders for my confidence and  self esteem 

I am grateful to you 
My blogger family 
Who have been there for me through out the last four years 
You have been there when I couldn't face real life 
And you became close friends and confidants 

I am grateful for my horse therapy 
I can recommend it enough 
I'm also so grateful for the friends I have made through riding 
It just goes to show 
If I am willing to push myself out of my comfort zone 
And try new things 
The pay off is huge 

I am grateful for my mental and physical health 
I leave work every day feeling so blessed that I have all my facilities in tact 
No everyone is so lucky 

I am grateful to clean and sober 
And ED free 
Or at least as free as I can be 
Removing drink and drugs from my life was the first step 
Then I had to learn how to live clean and sober 
Find new and healthy ways of coping 

Today I feel incredibly grateful
That I live in a country 
Where I am free to do and say as I please 
I live in a first world country
Where clean water 
And first class medical care is the norm 

Really and truly
I have so much to be grateful for 
I have everything I could possibly need or want 
And even though I've fought some tough battles over the years 
I wouldn't change one little thing 

What are you grateful for today?

Monday, 20 June 2016


As I wrote in my last post 
I did a really silly thing yesterday 
And accidentally took two days methadone 
Instead of one 
It was a genuine mistake 
I had just come in from work 
Was very tired 
And just didn't think 
I then panicked 
As I realised that I was now one day short 
I am not working until 5pm today
And I had no appointment with my doctor 
And knew I wouldn't get one 
So I decided to head to the surgery first thing this morning 
And bypassed the receptionist 
And went and sat outside my doctors room 
I know that's a bit cheeky 
But it was a special circumstance 
He came in with his first patient 
And have me a nod when he saw me 
When the patient came out 
He called me in 
I apologised for ambushing him first thing on a Monday morning 
And explained it was a bit of an emergency 
I told him what I had done 
And thankfully he understood 
And write me out a new script straight away 
This has never happened me before 
And I was so glad that he saw me 
And believed me 
As I'm sure it could have looked like I was just looking for me meds 
I was very grateful though 
They he saw me 
And gave me the script with no questions 
I thanked him for seeing me 
And went in my way 
guess I am very lucky 
That I have a great relationship with my doctor 
And he will see me at a moments notice 
I know that it is not typical that a doctor will do that 
I have been seeing him every week for over ten years 
And I don't cause any trouble 
I can be awkward when it comes to reducing meds 
But I am always honest with my doctor 
And I don't take the piss at all
I'm incredibly grateful to have an understanding and empathetic doctor
Not every one does 

In other news 
I have had a lot of very interesting and insightful comments on my blog over the last few days 
It seems like the direction of my blog is changing 
And so are my readers and comments 
After my last post about horse riding 
And the instructor 
Someone left a very interesting comment 
I think it was Shelby if I remember correctly 
She wrote about how people outside of family, therapists, nurses and doctors 
Can be opinionated 
Rude even 
But that's life for you 
I think it's a very interesting point 
Thus far 
The people I have encountered 
Are mostly family of course 
My doctor 
My psychiatrist
My counsellors 
Staff in treatment centres 
People who care 
And are very kind and gentle 
Now I am out in the big bad world 
And putting myself out there a lot more 
So of course I am meeting a wide variety of people 
And not everyone is as tuned in to me as say my family 
And that's perfectly fine 
I don't tell everyone I meet about my issues 
That wouldn't be right 
So people can be assholes 
That's life
The people I've encountered so far 
Have been amazingly friendly and kind 
Especially at work 
My co workers are so lovely 
Always willing to help out 
And good craic too
But of course I have met some people who aren't so nice 
Not so much in work 
But in every day life 
And that's fine 
It's unrealistic to presume that we will get on with everyone 
Not everyone will get on
And not everyone will like us 
That's just the way it is 

So yes 
My life is a hell of a lot more interesting  now 
I am making new friends 
My confidence is growing a little bit every day 
And it feels so good to have s purpose 
A reason to get up in the morning 
To have my own money 
That I earned and worked hard for 
It's such a satisfying feeling 
And also having a pay cheque every week is a bonus 
Actually having a bit extra money is amazing 
I don't have to scrimp and save
And I can treat  myself now and again 
So all in all 
Life is good 
My life is full 
With work 
With my hobbies 
Horse riding 
My dogs 
I feel good 
Happy even 
Long may it last.....

Saturday, 18 June 2016


I went horse riding again today
At the stables near my house
Today I was on Lady
Who is in fact Rayons mother
Rayon you might remember from last week who was like a bolt of lightening he was so fast
I was in a class of four today
With Lisa 
Who you might also remember from last week 
Who is the ex show jumper 
Chloe who actually works at the stables 
And another kid whose name I didn't get
Right from the start 
I felt way out of my depth
All these girls had been riding for years 
And here I was with less than four months experience 
Trying my best to keep up
Roisin was out instructor again today 
This lesson feels a lot different from the horse therapy I do on a Wednesday 
I feel a lot more pressure at these lessons 
To perfect things 
And to get things right 
Horse therapy is so much more gentle and relaxed 
Of course we try and do things right there too
But these lessons are definitely proper lessons 
So yea 
I did feel like I was trying to keep up today 
I'm really trying to work on my canter 
Roisin tells me I am bouncing rather than sitting in 
At one point she said everyone was sitting in except for me 
That didn't help my confidence much 
But then again 
At another point she said I was doing well for a beginner
I would love to ask Roisin if it is worth my while keeping it up 
I mean shit
I know I'm never going to be a champion horse rider 
But it would like to know if I am making progress 
As I am trying really hard 
And it's always nice to get some positive feedback 
I forgot to ask Roisin today 
But I will definitely ask her next week
I just want to know that all my hard work is not in vain 
And I am at least improving A little 

I came home feeling a bit deflated after the lesson 
And did something incredibly stupid 
I was measuring out my methadone 
Thinking I only had today's and tomorrow left 
And accidentally took two days instead of one
Which leaves me with no methadone for Monday 
How stupid of me 
Now I'm going to have to get to the doctor on Monday
Which is a right pain 
But I can't go without it 
It had to be done 
So needless to say 
I am not having a good day so far 

Roisin tells me that cantering should be easier 
But I feel like I am bouncing quite a lot m
I try to sit in
And do the things that Roisin shouts at me 
But I just felt like a total numpty today 
In comparison with the others 
I had a chat with my Mam when I came home 
She thinks I put too much pressure on myself 
She is not wrong 
I am very hard on myself 
And I want everything done yesterday 
I have to remember to pace myself 
To allow myself time to learn and improve 
I mean I do love it 
But I probably  enjoy horse therapy more 
I know some of you have experience with horses 
Don't was wondering if you had any advice 
For someone whose confidence is at an all time low 
I want to ask for feedback from the instructors 
But part of me is afraid they are going to say that I should probably not give up my day job
I don't know 
I guess I am just having a rough day 

Below are some photos from today 
I keep forgetting to get a photo when I'm on the horse 
The first ones are of me and the beautiful Lady 
The last couple are of myself and Lady
And Lisa and Rayon

Any tips and advice on riding are very much appreciated 

Friday, 17 June 2016

A weighty issue

After posting the photos I took yesterday on my blog 
I became slightly paranoid
I worried what people would think about the way I look
Would they think I was chunky?
Too big?
With big boobs and big hips
I wasn't happy with the photos 
But then I never am 
So I posted them anyway 
As I haven't posted a photo in quite a while 
I have no earthly clue what I weigh
And haven't weighed in a couple of months 
I do get curious from time to time 
But I really do think I am better off not knowing 
Ignorance is bliss and all that 
The last time I weighed I was X kilos
Putting me at a BMI of 19-20
I can live with that 
That is healthy 
I don't try to control my weight anymore 
I don't watch what I eat
I don't restrict or cut out any food groups 
I allow myself sweets and treats 
I believe everything in moderation
Including moderation
As for my weight 
I guess I am going by how I feel 
Rather than what I look like
Or what I weigh
And I do feel good 
I do feel healthy
And my clothes still fit perfectly 
So I am happy enough with that 
I can't lie though 
Sometimes I get a huge urge to weigh myself 
And I plan to buy a set of scales 
I soon come to my senses 
And realise that would be a step back

I am slowly but surely growing to accept my new body 
I am so used to bring small and weak
But at the moment I am strong and fit 
Horse riding is helping me tone up
And I feel curvy and shapely 
My body image varies from day to day 
Some days I hate what I see in the mirror 
Some days I can't find a stitch of clothing that looks half decent on me 
Some days all I see are rolls of fat 
But I also have good days 
When I appreciate my hour glass figure 
When I can see how womanly my curves are 
When I can appreciate the marvellous instrument that my body is 
I no longer hanker after a stick thin body 
I no longer wish I was underweight 
Not only is it not a good look
It's down right unhealthy and dangerous 

I will continue not to weigh 
As I no longer measure my self worth in pounds and ounces 
Sometimes I do think it would be nice to lose a few pounds 
But I thought that last year 
And ended up losing 12 kilos 
And relapsing quite spectacularly 
I really don't know if it's possible to lose a few pounds safety in recovery
I know I've never been able to do that 
Because I don't know when to stop
It's always a case of 'I'll just lose a couple more pounds' 
And before you know it 
Your hipbones are sharp enough to slice bread
And your clothes hang off you so much that you could be a west coast rapper
You know what?
I don't want to be pin thin
I know I can't be that way without being desperately ill
And more than that 
I don't want to be they way 
You know what happens when you are severely underweight?
People pity you 
And feel sorry for you 
I used to welcome that pity 
But not anymore 
No way 
I don't want pity or sympathy 
I don't want people to feel sorry for me
Yes I want to be liked 
But not at the expense of my health 
Now it really doesn't bother me if someone likes me or not 
I have enough people in my life who like and love me 
More than enough 

I am well at the moment 
The best I've been in a very long time 
So I am trying to keep doing the things that keep me well 
While trying to let go of those that hold me back 
It's a balancing act 
But I am incredibly grateful to have all that I have in my life 
I know I am blessed 
I gAve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life 
But I've also been granted the strength to get through it 
I'm growing up 
I'm thriving right now 
Work is bringing out the best in me 
And I'm just so happy to be living my life 
And growing and blossoming as a person 
As woman 
As a daughter 
A friend 
A sister 
An auntie 
A horse rider 
A doggy mama 
A worker 
I am truly so much more than my illness 
I know that now 
My illness is now only a sliver of the pie that is my life 
How awesome is that......?

Tuesday, 14 June 2016


I've been working for the last few days 
And today I am free
As I am for the next few days
I swear
I am so confused with the days since I started working 
So I am a bit all over the place in that respect
Work is going well
I am basically left to my own devices
It's great that I have no one looking over my shoulder 
I just get on with my work
And pretty much do my own thing
There was a new crowd in this week
A group from Dublin
These people were a little bit special 
But they were the nicest people you could meet 
They were mostly men 
But there were three ladies too
13 altogether 
It was great because some of the men actually helped us serve dinner 
When the chef sent it up to the dining room in the dumb waiter 
They were there waiting to hand it out to people 
My first day there 
I kept mixing up their names 
And it wasn't until my last day yesterday that I was really getting to know them
There was the lady who liked a few drinks and came on to the night porter 
The man who paced up and down constantly 
The man who had corn flakes for breakfast, lunch and tea
The man who ate and ate and was constantly asking for cups of tea
And the man who was my secret favourite 
He was so polite 
And one day told me that I was a 'shining star'
How nice is that?
But really 
They were mentally unwell 
And some of their stories would break your heart 
I leave work every day feeling very grateful for my mental and physical health 
There was one man who had been severely mentally damaged from drugs 
He had also been in the army 
He came looking for tea a lot 
And put a ton of sugar in it
But all in all 
They were a pleasure 
I said good by to them all 
And again 
I got hugs and kisses and thank yous 
But that wasn't the last time I saw them 
I was walking Lea through town this morning 
And we called in to the holiday centre 
Some of the men were there 
And they all wanted to rub Lea
But if course she barked her head off 
Which I knew she would because she is nervous with strangers 
It was nice to see them though 
You really form bonds and relationships with these people 
And they are the best of craic

I've just been in to see my doctor 
Nothing to report there 
Just in and out 
Just the way I like it
So I am now just sitting in the pharmacy waiting for my script 
All in all
Things are going quite well 
Work is keeping me honest 
My dogs are keeping me sane 
And my horse riding is keeping me fulfilled and excited 
So I really can't complain 
I now eat two of my meals in work 
I have my breakfast after the guests have theirs 
Then I have my lunch while the guests are eating theirs 
Yesterday I ate a fish dinner 
And didn't even think of purging 
Which is pretty amazing given where I was a few short months ago 
It's great though 
Work takes me out of my own head 
And I don't have time to think and over think
It is also massively helping with my confidence 
Chatting to people 
And meeting new people every week
Is really helping me to shake off my shyness and really engage with others 
So yes 
I am really enjoying work 
Of course 
It is hard work 
I'm on my feet all day 
Running up and down stairs 
Brushing mopping 
Dealing with inquiries 
Serving food 
Collecting dishes 
It's tough going 
But I love it 
The day flies in as I'm so busy 
And of course it is so brilliant to get a pay cheque every week
It's all very well being on disability 
And having money for doing nothing 
But earning it is so satisfying 
And good for my self esteem
So it's so good to be able to say that I am now working 
I am now earning my own money 
Paying my own way 
Contributing to society 
I think it came at exactly the right time 
Any sooner 
And I might not have been ready 
Because it is run by a charity 
It's not profit driven 
It's all about providing a holiday for people who might ordinarily get a holiday 
To really treat them 
And make a fuss of them
It gives me great satisfaction to know that I am helping make their holiday an enjoyable one 
That I am making a difference 

So yes 
All is good 
I am good 
And I am so grateful for that 
I am even more accepting of my body 
I am toning up around my shoulders and arms due to the horse riding 
And my legs feel tighter too
So that makes dressing a less stressful experience 

I'm off for a cuppa and a little rest 
See you on the next post....

Saturday, 11 June 2016

Rayon and Benson

I went for another horse riding lesson 
In the centre near my house
I was just getting suited and booted 
When a tall blonde girl came over and introduced herself 
She said her name was Lisa
And did I mind if she came and joined my lesson 
Of course I didn't 
The more the merrier
Lisa told me that she had been riding her whole life 
But hadn't been at all in the last three years 
And get this
She was a show jumper no less!
All of a sudden 
I was afraid I would be out of my depth in the lesson
But Lisa assured me that she was unfit and out of practise 
After chatting for a few minutes 
We went around to meet Roisin the instructor 
She brought a horse called Benson for Lisa
And Rayon for me 
Usually I ride Princess
Who is what they call a confidence giver
But today Roisin assured me that I was ready for a bigger and faster horse 
We walked across the road 
And over to the outdoor arena
I mounted Rayon
And straight away 
I could tell she was going to be a lot faster 
We walked around the arena at first 
To get a feel for the horses 
And then on to a trot 
And holy shit!
With not much coercion from me 
Rayon took off like a rocket!
She was was so fast 
And she was paying precious little attention to me trying to stop her
It's funny 
For the past few weeks 
I've had trouble trying to get Princess to go
Now I had the opposite problem
When Rayon was in front 
She was tearing around the arena
And when Benson was in front 
Rayon literally had her nose to his behind
Lisa took to it like a duck to water 
And Benson was definitely slower than Rayon

A while in to the session
Roisin asked if we wanted to try to canter 
Lisa went first on Benson
And she was looking good 
Then came my turn 
And again
Rayon shot off
She galloped around that arena at top speed 
And only stopped when she came behind Benson
On my second canter 
I felt like I was bouncing a lot 
And I don't think Rayon liked that 
As at one point she dropped her head 
And I thought she was going to buck me off
I started to slip off one side of her 
And had to reach for wards and grab her neck to hang on
Poor Roisin
She nearly lost her life watching 
She said she was sure Rayon was going to buck 
Roisin then suggested we swap horses 
So Lisa could experience a faster horse 
And I could get my bearings again on a slower horse 
Benson was lovely 
He was in no panic to get around the area 
And cantering on him felt lovely 
But again 
At one point 
I thought he was going to buck 
I had a chat with Roisin afterwards 
And she thinks they might be trying to buck because I'm bouncing so much 
That it might be agitating the horse 
In a canter 
They say to 'Sit in' to the saddle 
And wipe the seat with your bum
I gues for me 
There are so many things that I am trying to remember 
That sometimes it goes a bit pear shaped 
Lisa also found Rayon like a bolt of lightening 
So I was glad it wasn't just me 
I was more than ready for the lesson to be over 
I felt like I had no control over Rayon
And he was just sprinting as fast as she could 
She wasn't taking heed of my commands 
And heck if I could get her to stop!

We walked back to the centre 
Laughing about what had happened 
But I seriously think that Roisin was worried I was going to be bucked off
And now that I am home and thinking about it
It was freakin'scary
Even watching Lisa canter on Rayon
She struggled to control her too
I swear that horse was like a bat out of hell!
But apart from the fear of being thrown off
I loved it 
It felt amazing to be on a bigger and faster horse 
And to be making progress
As I always do 
I asked Roisin at the end of the session if I am making progress 
She assures me that I am 
I really hope I am 
But as she said 
If I enjoy it 
To keep doing it
I mean I know I'll never be a champion horse rider 
Or anything like it 
But I would like to reach my potential 
What ever that may be 

I haven't told Eilish and my friends at horse therapy that I am doing extra lessons 
But I do have a plan 
I'm going to continue to ride at both centres until September 
Then I am going to ask Eilish if I can do two lessons with her on a Wednesday 
As it's such a trek from my house 
It would be more worthwhile for me to do two lessons instead of one
So until then 
I will continue to ride with Roisin at the stables near my house 
It's a very different experience riding at both stables 
In the ones near my house 
We concentrate on all the little details 
But with Eilish it's a lot more gentle 
I want to say more caring and nurturing 
She brings us along gently 
So between the two
I think I am getting a good foundation in in horse riding 

So that was my Saturdsy morning 
Exciting no?
I'm back to work tomorrow 
Just for two days 
I'll be working with the other new girl 
And she is lovely 
So I am looking forward to that 
I got paid for the first time last Thursday 
And even though the emergency taxed me
And I only got about half of what I'm owed 
It was still very special to have my first legitimate pay check in years
I can already feel the benefit of working 
My confidence is improving 
I feel more sure of myself 
And more capable and able 
Which is exactly what I hoped would happen 
So happy days all around!!

I'm off to make a cuppa and s ham roll
See you on the next post...

Friday, 10 June 2016

Moving on

Thank you for all of your feedback on my last post
And your kind words 
I'm still thinking about my blog
But one thing is for sure
I will not be going anywhere 
And I will continue to blog
I guess it makes sense really 
They I am struggling to find my blog voice again 
The last six months have been a whirlwind 
I almost feel like I have been carried this far 
My feet barely touching the ground 
There has been a lot of change recently 
And a lot of growth 
This is all good
And it feels amazing to have come this far 
I'm sure you have noticed that I am not writing much about my ED or addiction recently 
There just hasn't been anything to report 
I'm taking my meds correctly 
I'm eating my meals and snacks 
And rarely purging 
I guess I am moving on
And letting go of some of the crutches that have held me up this far 
So I've been thinking 
I probably won't post every day
I remember when I first started blogging 
I used to blog Monday, Wednesday and Friday
So I'm thinking I will go back to that pattern 
My blog will about life after ED and addiction
Rather than life with it 
Because in guessing there will be a whole adjustment period 
Becoming accustomed to real life 
With no vices to fall back on 
It will just be me 
Stripped back
With all the ups and downs of life in recovery 
It makes perfect sense really 
I was wondering what I would write about 
And of course recovery is what I will write about 
Because that's what I am living 
It's what I know 

I'm sticking around 
I'm still going to continue to raise awareness about eating disorders 
Still strive for recovery 
For others and myself 
Still going fight for a better life 
Are you with me??

Thursday, 9 June 2016

What to do with my blog?

I saw Mary this morning 
It was great to be able to give her a good report about all the good things that are happening in my life
She was truly delighted for me 
And said it made her job worthwhile 
Seeing people like me get well
I was also so happy to tell her that I am barely purging any more 
Since starting work
It has really been a rarity 
Mary asked me to draw a pi chart 
Of all the different areas in my life 
It was quite a struggle to fit everything in 
She asked me about blogging 
And it got me thinking 
I guess my blog has taken a back seat recently 
And it seems to be evolving 
Up until now 
My blog has been been about living with and managing my ED and addiction
Most of my posts thus far have been ED based 
And that's fine 
Because that's what was going on for me
And it was great to be part of a community that thrived on supporting each other 
But now I find myself asking 
Where my blog is going now?
I feel a little bit like I am in limbo
I don't consider myself eating disordered in the clinical sense anymore 
But I still have a long way to go as far as recovery is concerned 

I have to be honest 
Over the past couple of weeks 
I have thought about stopping blogging altogether 
As I don't know what I have to offer this community anymore 
And my real life is so full 
I don't have time like I used to
And I don't know if my blog is the hub that it once was 
I seem to get less readers and comments 
That shouldn't matter 
And it doesn't 
But I guess it makes me feel like my blog isn't wanted or needed anymore 
Then there is the fact that blogger seems to be passĂ© now 
More and more people seem to use Instagram now a days 
And less and less people seem to be using blogger 
It kind of feels like a ghost town lately 
With all that said 
I don't really know what to do 
Or where to go from here 
I really want to keep writing and blogging 
But maybe 
Like a lot of things in my life 
It's time to move on 
I don't know 
It's something I am going to have to work through I guess 
And hopefully what I'm supposed to do will become clear

I was wondering what you think
Have you experienced this with blogging and recovery?
Have you felt like me and wondered what next?
Do you think my blog is needed and wanted?
I would really love your feedback on this one so do get in touch 
I appreciate it 

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

Day off!

Today is a wonderful day 
As I am now off work until Sunday
The feeling is amazing 
Having worked four long shifts the last four days 
I am more than ready for a rest
Work is going well
Of course I am still very green
And forgetting things left, right and centre 
But look
I am doing my best 
And they tell me in work that I am flying it
I was on with Georgina 
And she deliberately left me on my own to do breakfast and lunch 
I had a bit of a crisis of confidence in the morning 
As I dished out too many bowls of porridge 
And it went cold 
And had to reheated 
As Georgina says 
You live and learn 
My colleagues couldn't be more helpful 
They are endlessly patient
And always willing to lend a hand 
There are to chefs who also work in the kitchen 
They are brothers 
32 and 38 
I was helping one of them prepare chicken yesterday afternoon 
And he asked me what age I am 
I told him to guess 
He said 23 
That made my day 
He couldn't believe that was 34
I love to give people a good shock sometimes 

I am settling in well 
And finding my bearings slowly but surely 
Georgina is an amazing lady 
I was chatting with her over tea and toast yesterday 
Her background is in hotels 
And you can really tell
She doesn't waste a bit of energy 
Every move she makes 
She is doing something productive
She moves at lightning speed 
And manages beautifully the balance between hard work
And having the craic 
She is someone I really look up to 
She is a working woman 
With a busy family life 
It can't be easy 
But she makes it look effortless 
I am really enjoying work though 
I get up
At 7 am
To be in work for 8am
I prepare the breakfast 
Which is just a continental one
Then I have a cuppa 
Before the guests arrive 
The dining by room is up stairs
And the kitchen is down stairs 
So I have a path worn on that stairs 
There is a dumb waiter to put the food in
Which essentially is a small lift for the food
I serve the food 
Chat to the guests
And try to keep on top of things 
It was mostly ladies in this week
With only a couple of men
And they are so lovely 
They are people who don't have much money 
And going away on holiday is a massive thing for them 
I told the ladies that I wouldn't see them again 
As they are all leaving Thursday 
And I'm not back until Sunday 
Well let me tell you 
I got hugs and kisses and such lovely compliments 
That truly made all the  hard work so very worth it

The chef keeps a small dinner for me every day 
And I have to say 
The food is really tasty 
It's none of your fancy stuff 
Just honest home cooking done well
My favourite kind
Sometimes I get a chance to eat it 
Sometimes I don't 
And in that case I will bring it home 
And split it with mam 
After breakfast 
I wash up 
Clean the dining my room 
As reset it for lunch 
Which takes a little while 
Lunch is at 1pm 
And it's three courses
So there's quite a bit to do 
I swear I am on my feet all the time 
And it's exhausting 
By the end of the day 
I am pretty wrecked 
All I can do is flake out on the couch L
But it's a nice feeling 
A feeling that I've really earned my rest 
Even writing this post 
I keep nodding off

I mentioned my Dad in a post a few days ago 
And that he received some bad news about his health 
To be honest 
I am in denial about the whole thing
And work is a great distraction
You might remember that I went to Dublin with him a few weeks ago
To see a consultant neurologist 
And Dad had some tests done
Basically he is losing the power in his hands and arms 
And it seems to be getting worse all the time 
So last week 
He got the results 
And the consultant thinks it might be MND 
Dad has to go to the top neurologist in the country for a definite diagnosis
I had never head of MND
It's short for motor neuron disease
So it's really serious 
I was speaking to Georgina about it 
And her sister has it 
She is only 42
She asked me if I know much about MND
Which I don't 
She said not to read up on it 
It will only upset me 
I have deliberately not looked it up 
I really just don't want to know at the moment 
Because I know it will break my heart 
Of course I will find out for myself 
But at this moment 
Ignorance is bliss
Dad has asked me not to tell anyone 
But I need to talk to people 
I can't bottle this 
I need an outlet 
All we can really do is make the most of the time now, while he is still relatively ok
One thing Gergina said 
Is that we have a long and hard road against us 
But it's my Dad I feel sorry for 

I'm off to have a sleep 
I can barely keep my eyes open 
See you on the next post....

Sunday, 5 June 2016

Working woman!

That is me at the moment 
I am a working woman
And delighted to be
I didn't get to post the last couple of days 
As I am on the 8am - 4pm shift for the bank holiday weekend 
So tomorrow is the end of my working week
And I'm not back in until Sunday
So I have six glorious days off
Every evening 
I have come home 
Had a cuppa 
Then flaked out on the couch 
To rest my weary bones
The job is going well I think 
At least I hope it is 
I am doing my best to learn quickly 
But if course it's going to take a couple of weeks to really get the hang of it
The job itself is a lot different to what I thought it would be
I thought I would mainly be on reception
But in actual fact 
I am in the kitchen and the dining room most of the time 
It's busy busy 
And the house isn't even full
There are only 21 staying at the moment 
And the house holds 60
I have to say 
I really like it 
It's go go all the time 
Just the way I like it 
The staff are lovely 
Endlessly patient 
And so willing to help out this newbie 
The guests are a hoot 
There is a young at heart club from Dublin
Nine elderly ladies who are salt of the earth
So sound 
And do polite 
In between all the work 
We do get a chance to chat with people 
And have the craic
I don't know how the perceive me 
The weird girl with the piercings and shaved head 
But I've been told I am pretty 
I am a good worker 
And my favourite 
A good girl 
So that is nice to hear

This is just a quick post 
To let you know that I am alive and kicking 
And working hard 
Payday is Thursday 
And I can hardly wait!
It's going to be awesome to actually be paid!
My first mission when I get paid is to bring my family out for dinner 
Georgina said there may be problems with tax the first couple of weeks 
But hopefully not 
And it will all run smoothly 

I hope you are all well 
I need to catch up on blogs 
But at the moment life is intervening 
I can remember writing once 
They it was a sad fact that my virtual life was more active than my real life 
Well now I can most definitely say the opposite 
I am living my life now
I'm taking control of my own destiny 
This is another step on the ladder that is recovery 

ED wise 
I'm doing ok 
Because I'm working 
And on my feet all day 
I know I need to eat regularly 
It I will keep over in no time 
So I usually grab a cuppa at home before I leave 
I then get to have my breakfast in work after I've done the guests breakfasts 
A cuppa and some toast 
The at dinner time 
The chef keeps me a small dinner 
And I have that in the afternoon
So it's working out well
I feel no urge to purge 
As my body needs fuel if I am to keep going 
So all in all 
Things are going well
Every morning in my car on the way to work 
I turn down my radio 
And I ask God or the universe or who ever is up there 
To please help me get through the day 
And do my best 
And not to hurt myself or anyone else 
I don't know if that works 
But it can't hurt right?

I'm off for a cuppa 
See you on the next post...

Thursday, 2 June 2016

What to do?

What would you do 
If someone patted you on the stomach
And told you that 'you've really filled out'
And when told that you are recovering from an eating disorder
Jiggles your arm
And continues to point out weight gain
This happened to me today 
Thankfully I had some good friends around me 
Who gently pointed out to this person
That I used to be at deaths door 
I was in shock at the time 
I couldn't quite believe this person put her hands on me
And jiggled my arm!!
I mean who does that?
I must point out 
That this happened at a meeting 
Where everyone is not well
But I think this person was way out of line 
Said person then asked me for a lift home!
Which I obliged 
Because I am a nice person
But really I wanted to throttle her
I couldn't even bring myself to make polite conversation on the way home
Now I am home 
I realise that I was in shock while she was pointing out my flabby bits 
I literally couldn't say anything 
One of my friends pulled me aside afterwards 
To make sure I was ok 
But Jesus H Christ 
Since when is it ok body shame a person like that?
I don't know 
I despair 
I went on an instant diet 
That lasted ten minutes 
I know better than to let a comment like that get the better of me
This woman also commented to another lady that she had lost weight
So who knows 
Maybe this woman has her own issues with her weight 
You never know....

I was wondering about you
Has this or something similar ever happened to you?
How did you react?
Do you think it's body shaming?
Answers on a postcard please...

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

9 To 5....

Today is a glorious day
Today is utterly marvellous 
Because today 
Today I have a day off
A much needed day off
I don't even have horse riding today 
It's now 11am
And the whole day stretches before me 
With a whole lot of nothing to do
I woke up this morning with a start 
Thinking about what I had to do today
Usually if I'm working or heading off somewhere 
I get up an hour early to walk the dogs
I always make sure they get a walk
As they are hyper if they don't 
So I woke up this morning 
Then had the most delicious feeling 
When I realised that I had sweet f#*k all to do today 
I slept in until 8 30am people!
It was utter bliss
And it's great to feel like I earned my day off
I swear I am sleeping the best I ever have 
I can't make it past 10pm these nights 
I don't even read before going to bed 

I got up 
All the while enjoying the feeling that I had no where to be 
And nothing to do 
I had breakfast with my sister 
Then got dressed and headed out with Honey and Lea 
I try and bring them out early these days 
As it gets too hot during the day for them 
I piled the dogs in to the back of my car 
And we headed for the beach 
Where we had a lovely walk
Honey is looking like quite a character these days 
Her fur is long and shaggy 
She has one eye 
And ahe needs a good wash
She's like a little old lady 
And at the grand ol' age of eleven 
I guess she is 
After our walk 
I did a bit of shopping 
Before heading home

I was in work in the morning 
To meet the other staff members 
They all seem lovely 
And again 
Georgina went through some policies and procedures 
It's great that she is so clear and direct 
Sometimes I need things spelled out for me 
Just so I am absolutely certain about what I need to do 
As I was standing there 
Side by side with my fellow workers 
I felt a great swell of pride 
I felt like now I am a working woman 
Part of the work force 
Part of a team 
Contributing to society 
And earning my keep 
It's been a long time since I had that feeling 
Like I am strong and independent 
Taking care of my own side of the street 
Earning money 
Maybe even treating myself to a little something 
When I get my first pay check
I have promised my Mum and sister that I will bring them out for dinner 
I can't wait to do that 
To give back some of the love and kindness that they show me all the time 

I am back in work tomorrow 
And I have 8 hour shifts every day until Tuesday 
So I really am being thrown in at the deep end 
But I guess that's the best way to learn 
I am super excited to start 
I was incredibly nervous and anxious 
But I just feel ready 
Ready to work 
And work hard 
There's nothing more I can learn 
With being on a live shift 
I've done all the theory I can 
It's time to put it in to practise
As for confidence?
I think it's a fake it till I make job

So this is it 
I'm starting work 
I can't quite believe it 
If you had told me a year ago that I would be starting work this summer 
A real proper grown up job
I would not have believed you 
In fact I would have laughed at you 
I was in such a dark place 
Since coming out of treatment two years ago 
I have been up and down and all over the place as far as my recovery was concerned 
But I think since Christmas 
I've been fairly steady and stable 
My weight is good 
My mood is also pretty good 
Starting horse therapy has been the catalyst I think 
It has literally been a life changer 
I've made new friends 
Real friends who just want the best for me 
I get to spend time with beautiful animals 
I get to learn a new skill 
I couldn't ask for more 

In AA and NA
They say that if you follow the programme 
You will obtain a life beyond your wildest dreams 
When I first heard this 
I thought it meant in terms of money and material gains 
Nice house 
New car 
Pretty clothes 
Plenty of money 
Now I know different 
Now I know that a life beyond your wildest dreams means something else 
It means being clean and sober 
Wanting to be clean and sober 
It means having peace of mind 
Which you just can't put a price on 
It means feeling good about myself 
Even loving myself 
It means getting through the day without hurting myself or anyone else 
It has precious little to do with money 

Please say a little prayer for me 
They I get on well in my new job 
Please send some positive vibes my way 
It's so exciting to have something positive to write about 
Please take comfort in the fact that I have come from a very dark place 
And know that it is possible to live a life without ED or addiction

I'm off to make a cup of tea 
And soak up some sun
Have a good Wednesday ya'll 
And I'll see you on the next post....