Friday, 17 June 2016

A weighty issue

After posting the photos I took yesterday on my blog 
I became slightly paranoid
I worried what people would think about the way I look
Would they think I was chunky?
Too big?
With big boobs and big hips
I wasn't happy with the photos 
But then I never am 
So I posted them anyway 
As I haven't posted a photo in quite a while 
I have no earthly clue what I weigh
And haven't weighed in a couple of months 
I do get curious from time to time 
But I really do think I am better off not knowing 
Ignorance is bliss and all that 
The last time I weighed I was X kilos
Putting me at a BMI of 19-20
I can live with that 
That is healthy 
I don't try to control my weight anymore 
I don't watch what I eat
I don't restrict or cut out any food groups 
I allow myself sweets and treats 
I believe everything in moderation
Including moderation
As for my weight 
I guess I am going by how I feel 
Rather than what I look like
Or what I weigh
And I do feel good 
I do feel healthy
And my clothes still fit perfectly 
So I am happy enough with that 
I can't lie though 
Sometimes I get a huge urge to weigh myself 
And I plan to buy a set of scales 
I soon come to my senses 
And realise that would be a step back

I am slowly but surely growing to accept my new body 
I am so used to bring small and weak
But at the moment I am strong and fit 
Horse riding is helping me tone up
And I feel curvy and shapely 
My body image varies from day to day 
Some days I hate what I see in the mirror 
Some days I can't find a stitch of clothing that looks half decent on me 
Some days all I see are rolls of fat 
But I also have good days 
When I appreciate my hour glass figure 
When I can see how womanly my curves are 
When I can appreciate the marvellous instrument that my body is 
I no longer hanker after a stick thin body 
I no longer wish I was underweight 
Not only is it not a good look
It's down right unhealthy and dangerous 

I will continue not to weigh 
As I no longer measure my self worth in pounds and ounces 
Sometimes I do think it would be nice to lose a few pounds 
But I thought that last year 
And ended up losing 12 kilos 
And relapsing quite spectacularly 
I really don't know if it's possible to lose a few pounds safety in recovery
I know I've never been able to do that 
Because I don't know when to stop
It's always a case of 'I'll just lose a couple more pounds' 
And before you know it 
Your hipbones are sharp enough to slice bread
And your clothes hang off you so much that you could be a west coast rapper
You know what?
I don't want to be pin thin
I know I can't be that way without being desperately ill
And more than that 
I don't want to be they way 
You know what happens when you are severely underweight?
People pity you 
And feel sorry for you 
I used to welcome that pity 
But not anymore 
No way 
I don't want pity or sympathy 
I don't want people to feel sorry for me
Yes I want to be liked 
But not at the expense of my health 
Now it really doesn't bother me if someone likes me or not 
I have enough people in my life who like and love me 
More than enough 

I am well at the moment 
The best I've been in a very long time 
So I am trying to keep doing the things that keep me well 
While trying to let go of those that hold me back 
It's a balancing act 
But I am incredibly grateful to have all that I have in my life 
I know I am blessed 
I gAve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life 
But I've also been granted the strength to get through it 
I'm growing up 
I'm thriving right now 
Work is bringing out the best in me 
And I'm just so happy to be living my life 
And growing and blossoming as a person 
As woman 
As a daughter 
A friend 
A sister 
An auntie 
A horse rider 
A doggy mama 
A worker 
I am truly so much more than my illness 
I know that now 
My illness is now only a sliver of the pie that is my life 
How awesome is that......?


  1. You sound great hun, very "together".

    People don't like other people because they're skinny or whatever. Especially over 30. They like people because of the way that person makes them feel.

    About the weight...... you'll have to treat dieting and dwelling on weight like heroin addiction or any addiction. You can't do it. Ever again. You can't keep a lid on it, you can't keep "a handle on it" and all the other lies we tell ourselves.

    I truly believe it's an addiction and it rears it's ugly head when people are anxious. Something to watch for.

    It's great to devote that energy to something else. It's like escaping from a lion's jaw. Truly.

    Like i said, full recovery is real and it is possible to honestly not give a s*&^.

    Takes practice but you can and will do it. There are so many other ways to look good if that's your thing. If you aren't right mentally, you rarely look that good anyway. People can sense it.

    The best ornament is definately a quiet spirit.

    Xoxoxo shelby.

  2. "I can live with that" <-- that is the ED talking.

    What other people think of you--especially people hundreds of miles away from you who only "know" you via the internet--should have absolutely no bearing on how you feel about you. What other people think cannot help or harm you unless you let it. This is what I tell all the tweens in youth group. Don't worry about what other people are thinking or doing.

    Unless you're at an unhealthy level of overweight, it's probably not a good idea to try and lose a few pounds at this stage in recovery.

    Eventually, there will come a time when you hardly think about your weight or your body image at all. It's a wonderful place to be. :)


  3. SO proud of you. Love you to bits xoxo

  4. i never notice a difference jo x ok that took 25 verifications and i am patient but busy! sorry will keep in touch email x

  5. Great insight! Keep it up! You know what's helping you maintain your recovery (avoiding scales and avoiding any hint at trying to control your weight), and you've been doing it so well! No need to change what works! :)

  6. Some food for thought...


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