Monday, 29 August 2016


Oh my Gosh!
I can't tell you how lovely it feels to have A few days off
I've worked the last four days 
And for most of those days I've had the mother of all hangovers 
But I guess that's the price one pays for a good night out 
I still can't remember a lot about the night 
But I am assured that we had a great night 
With great craic
And good company
I know that I didn't do anything to disgrace myself 
Or embarrasse myself 
I  know I told the chef a little about my history 
But that's ok
I'm not ashamed 
I have nothing to hide 
I have to admit though 
I feel a little bit hurt by the revelations that the chef likes Sinead
I can't lie 
My heart is a little bit bruised 
And I feel slightly silly that I actually though that he might like me
How wrong was I?
Very wrong apparently 

It just seems like I am always passed over for the girl who is younger than me
Thinner than me 
And prettier than me
I never seem to get the guy
And I'm just wondering 
If it will ever happen for me
My mam has pointed out 
That I am only really starting to get out and about and meeting people very recently 
She assures me that there is someone out there for me 
I hope she is right 
Because people 
Where is he already?

Work yesterday was lovely 
We had a group of 36
And even though they were quite 
They were so lovely 
But my God I was kept on my toes 
Between one thing and another 
It was nice because I was there every day with them 
And got to know them 
Their names 
Their stories
And of course they quickly got to know my name 
All I could hear all day long was Ruby, Ruby, Ruby!!!
And Christ on a bike 
I've never seen people my whole life 
They got through bread like  it was going out of fashion!
Yesterday morning 
One of the ladies asked me if I could organise a cake for one of the other ladies who was turning 60
So I got on to the chef
And he made two cakes pretty quickly 
We also managed to find birthday candles 
After tea 
We lit the candies 
And I carried the cake up all the while singing Happy Birthday
The woman who turned 60
I think she is special needs 
But the smile on her face was just priceless
She was so surprised 
So overwhelmed 
She must have hugged me ten times 
And thanked me a hundred times
It really made my day
Then when I was leaving for the evening 
Some of the ladies came back to me
And gave me a tip 
Which was so lovely of them 
I know that people staying in our centre don't have a lot of money
Do a gesture like that 
Is really appreciated 
I have another three weeks of work before I finish up
Then I will be at a loose end 
So I am on the look out for something to do
Whether that's another job
A course 
Or volunteering 
Hopefully something will come up

That's me for another day folks 
I am now going to catch up on your blogs and some much needed sleep
See you on the flip side......

Saturday, 27 August 2016

Post party....

My God
It's been a crazy few days 
It's only now that I am getting the chance to post
And make sense of it all
On Thursday night 
We had our staff party
We met up at a bout 7pm in a local pub
Where we had a couple of drinks 
You read correctly 
I did have a drink
I know I probably shouldn't have 
But look 
It's done now 
I can't go back and change it 
Then we headed to bingo
We went to bingo
Because the two housekeepers are leaving after this season
So we wanted to do something that they would enjoy 
I have to say 
It was great craic
Myself and Mary spent most of our time running up and down to the bar
I was on vodka and orange juice 
And people kept buying me doubles 
So as you can imagine 
I was well on it by the time we were finished the bingo
It was great though 
One of the ladies won €40
And one of the house keepers won €100
So we were delighted for them 
Some of the ladies left straight after the bingo
So there was just four of us left
and we headed on to a pub where a band was a playing 
Of course the alcohol was flowing freely 
I can only remember bits and pieces 
But it was great fun
And I was with good friends 

You know I wrote a few times about a crush that I had 
Well it was one of the chefs 
Who didn't come out with us that night 
His brother is also a chef 
And did come out with us 
At one stage 
One of the girls pulled me in to the loo
And broke it to me that my crush likes one of the other girls 
A very young 
Very tiny 
19 year old 
I have to admit 
I didn't not see that one coming
But thinking about it now 
I can see that my crush is more a good friendship more than anything else 
And maybe that is better 
I'm not heart broken or anything like it 
But it seems that the guys I like never like me back 
Why people?
Besides that 
We had a great night 
We danced 
We chatted 
We sang 
We took photos 
One of the girls even took a video of us dancing 
God forgive me 
If that ends up in a social media site 
I will go ape shit 

After the pub 
We walked up to the town
But I swear to God 
I don't remember a thing from that time until the time I got home
Not An iota 
Apparently we went to a night club
No memory of that 
We went for food 
No memory of that 
We walked one of the girls home 
Then I had to ring my mam for a lift 
As the taxis don't run at that hour of the morning 
I. Got home at 6am
What the hell I was doing until 6am 
I do not know 
At one stage during the night 
The chef asked me if I liked the other chef 
I have no clue what I said to him
But I'm hoping I didn't say anything about my supposed crush
I do however remember telling him about my drug history 
He was shocked to say the least
But I get like that when I have a few drinks taken 
My tongue becomes very loose altogether 
But hey 
I harmed so one 

Yesterday morning 
I got up at 11am
And my God I had the mother of all hangovers 
I haven't drank like that in years
Literally years 
I surprised I didn't pass out or get sick 
I got up 
Had a cuppa 
I couldn't face food 
And in fact I still couldn't face it today 
So I haven't eaten since Thursday 
Which is not good I know 
But I will have something this evening 
I then brought the dogs for a wAlk
Which cleared my head to a certain extent 
I came home And dozed on the couch 
Before I headed to work for 4pm
Sweet Jesus I was dying on my feet
And in fact I had to work an extra hour 
So that made the shift even longer
I got home last night 
And went straight to bed
Where I conked out like a light 
Then I had to be up today 
To be in work for 8am
It was not easy getting up this morning 
And I had another long day
Until 4pm
But in fairness 
The day went pretty quickly 
As we were so busy 
So I didn't have time to mull over things 
It was great fun today though
As we all tried to put the pieces of the night together 
There were some really funny momenus 
And the photos that we took are hilarious 
I really can't share them though 
As my others co workers are in all of them 
But I did post a couple of photos of what I wore at the end of this post

But yes
In all honesty 
I really should not be drinking 
Because I'm on a lot of Meds 
Because I have a history of addiction
Because I know I am a disaster area when I'm drunk 
As we said today 
We harmed no one 
We got drunk 
Any harm was done to ourselves 
I won't be drinking like that again 
It was a once off
Not to be repeated 
When my mam and my auntie came to pick me up 
They meet some of my work friends
It was so funny 
Because we were all so drunk 
But it was harmless fun 
Today I feel a bit better 
I'm more tired than anything 
I'm in work again tomorrow at 12pm
So at least I have a lie in tomorrow morning 
Then I have a few days off
A chance to catch up on sleep 
And lick my wounds regarding the chef 

Work is finishing up for me in a couple of weeks 
It's going to be very strange to have no job 
I'll miss it 
The structure 
The routine 
The money 
But mostly the friends I have made
There are some really good and sound people working there 
Georgina picks her employees well
She seems to be able to read people quickly and accurately 
I really have made friends for life 
I've had jobs in the paSt 
Where I dreaded going in to work 
But not this job
The holiday centre is a very special place 
And both staff and guests are a pleasure to work for 
I can remember Georgina saying to me at the start of the summer 
That I would flourish in this job 
And you know what?
She was dead right 
I have come on leaps and bounds in the last few months 
My confidence 
My self esteem 
My whole demeanour and outlook has chAnged 
And I Am so grateful to Georgina for giving me a chance 
Because that's all I needed
For someone to give me a chance 
And now I know I will be kept in mind if anything else comes up work wise 
I will keep in touch with Georgina anyway 
And we'll see what happens 

Apologies for being a bad blogger 
For not being as committed as I used to be
And my reading and commenting has left a lot to be desired 
But look
I'm not blogging because I'm out there 
Living my life 
Working hard 
Playing hard
And generally being on the go the whole time 
But that's good
It great 
I now have a life 
I have a job 
My horizons are expanding 
And my issues with food are very much in the background 
Which is nothing short of amazing 
Don't get me wrong 
Things are far from perfect 
But they are a hell of a lot better than they were 
I'm trying my best 
And look
I know I shouldn't have drank last night 
But I did 
And I will know for again not to have even one drink
Because as soon as I get a taste for it 
I can't stop myself 

I will leave it at that for today 
I am super tired 
So just going to flake out on the couch 
With a cuppa 
And watch The X Factor
What did I say earlier about having a life......?

Thursday, 25 August 2016


Today is Thursday 25 of August
Which means tonight is my staff party
Every year
Towards the end of the season
They head out for a well deserved treat
Last year they went to the races
But this year we are going to, wait for it...
Yes Bingo!
Why on earth are you going to Bingo I hear you ask 
The two house keepers at work are avid Bingo fans 
And this is their last year working before they retire 
So we decided to do something that they would enjoy 
We are meeting in a pub this evening at 7pm 
Then after a couple of drinks 
We are heading to Bingo for 8pm
They will most likely go back to the pub afterwards 
I am both really looking forward to tonight 
And dreading it in equal measures
I won't be drinking 
And I have been thinking about how I'm going to manage that 
In reality
I don't need to explain myself to anyone 
But I know I am going to be asked what I want to drink 
And I'll just be asking for a soft drink 
Really it's no ones business whether I drink or not 
All I need to say is that I don't drink

I'm getting my hair done at 3pm
I'm getting some braids on one hAlf of my head 
And I'm going to wear a sleeveless shirt with jeans and some smart trainers 
For me 
Comfort is the priority 
I spent too many years 
Trying to be someone I wasn't 
And let me tell you 
That is utterly exhausting and soul destroying 
Thank the Lord that I don't have to do that any more 
Any way 
I will go 
And do my best to have a good time 

I better run 
I will post tomorrow to let you know how it went 
And of course to share some photos with you....
That is a given
Talk soon 
And see you on the next post....


Today is Thursday 25 of August
Which means tonight is my staff party
Every year
Towards the end of the season
They head out for a well deserved treat
Last year they went to the races
But this year we are going to, wait for it...
Yes Bingo!
Why on earth are you going to Bingo I hear you ask 
The two house keepers at work are avid Bingo fans 
And this is their last year working before they retire 
So we decided to do something that they would enjoy 
We are meeting in a pub this evening at 7pm 
Then after a couple of drinks 
We are heading to Bingo for 8pm
They will most likely go back to the pub afterwards 
I am both really looking forward to tonight 
And dreading it in equal measures
I won't be drinking 
And I have been thinking about how I'm going to manage that 
In reality
I don't need to explain myself to anyone 
But I know I am going to be asked what I want to drink 
And I'll just be asking for a soft drink 
Really it's no ones business whether I drink or not 
All I need to say is that I don't drink

I'm getting my hair done at 3pm
I'm getting some braids on one hAlf of my head 
And I'm going to wear a sleeveless shirt with jeans and some smart trainers 
For me 
Comfort is the priority 
I spent too many years 
Trying to be someone I wasn't 
And let me tell you 
That is utterly exhausting and soul destroying 
Thank the Lord that I don't have to do that any more 
Any way 
I will go 
And do my best to have a good time 

I better run 
I will post tomorrow to let you know how it went 
And of course to share some photos with you....
That is a given
Talk soon 
And see you on the next post....

Saturday, 20 August 2016


I usually work Saturdays 
Work is quiet so I have another day off
This is both a good and a bad thing 
Bad in that I don't get paid 
Meaning that this week I have only worked a total of eight hours
But good in that I get to do fun stuff
Like sleep in 
Watch TV 
And blog and generally relax
So that's what I'm doing today
There are a lot of things about work I would love to blog about 
But I don't feel right writing about them
And posting it on the Internet 
So I will just keep things general
Last week 
And the week before 
I picked up extra hours 
As one of the girls was unwell
I was grateful to have the extra hours and pay 
But towards the end of the week
I kind of felt like I was being tAken for granted 
The sick girl was supposed to come back to work Thursday morning 
But I got a text at midnight on Wednesday from her 
Asking me to do her shift 
I was pretty annoyed about being asked at such short notice 
I thought there was no one to go in to do the shift 
So I agreed to do it
I got up at 7am the next morning 
To be in work for 8 am
I was not a happy camper to say the least 
I thought I was on my own to do breakfast 
So you can imagine my surprise when one of the other ladies who works there walked in the door 
She was just as surprised to see me
Then the girl who had been poorly turned up too 
I was pretty annoyed 
Although I didn't show it 
Needless to say 
I left them to it 
And headed home
Later on that day 
I got a call from Georgina 
She apologised about the morning 
And said that this girl should never have asked me to work 
Without going through Georgina first 
She had a stern talk with her 
I then got a flurry of texts from the girl 
And trying to make things right
Of course I won't hold a grudge 
And apart from my feeling a little bit used 
No harm was done 
So we will build a bridge and get over it 

In other news 
Following my last post 
A few of you were adamant 
That I should not weigh myself on Monday
Just to remind you 
I have been feeling very fat and cumbersome
And had planned to get my doctor to weigh me on Monday morning 
I just feel like there is so much of me 
Sometimes it bothers me 
But most of the time I can rationalise that I am not obese 
And am in fact a healthy weight 
But recently 
I am finding it hard to appease myself 
I know there are other ways to keep an eye on my weight
Like how my clothes fit 
They fit perfectly 
In all honesty 
I feel no difference there 
But then I look in the mirror 
And I estimate by looking at myself 
They I am  size 14-16
Even though my clothes are size 8-10
And as well as that 
I hate that it still matters to me what I weigh 
Up until now 
I have been going by how I feel 
And not how I look 
I feel pretty good 
So who cares what I weigh?
Me apparently 
I bloody care 
Or at least the ED part of me cares
But really and truly 
Weight should be the last thing on my mind 
And most of the time it is 
But just in the last week 
Having so much time off 
Has me looking for trouble 
This is why being busy is good for me people 
It keeps my mind distracted 
And I don't have time to think about things like weight or drugs 
But look
Hopefully this is just a temporary thing 
And I will move past it 
I am undecided whether to weigh on Monday or not
I guess one of two things could happen 
I could be relieved and reassured 
Or I could be horrified and repulsed 
But really 
I shouldn't let those numbers get to me so much 
I will think about it 
And as ever 
I will keep you posted 

There is a girl at work 
And she has taken it upon herself to set me up with a guy 
She herself is all loved up 
So I guess she wants me to be too
She spoke about a few possibilities 
Even the chef at work 
But another girl that works there has a little crush on him
So I couldn't really do that to her
She could very well hunt me down and kill me in my sleep
But to be honest with you 
I do think the chef is a really nice and good guy 
When I first met him 
I didn't feel any attraction at all
But as I got to know him
And saw what a really sound guy he is 
He became more attractive to me 
The thing is 
I am not sure if I am mistaking friendship for something more 
I mean 
We get on great 
And he knows some of my history 
And didn't run in the opposite direction when I told him
He's just a very kind, caring and considerate guy 
I like him 
I'm just not sure if I like him like him
Am I making any sense here at all?
Watch this space I guess 

All in all 
Things are going well 
I'm happy in work 
Happy with my friends 
Happy with my hobbies which keep me sane 
Happy at horse riding 
Happy in my recovery 
It's only been a few months 
But my life has changed drastically 
It's unrecognisable to what it was 
And I am so very grateful for that 
Also to have this community 
You all have been there for the past four and a half years 
Laughed and cried with me 
And always there by my side 
I am eternally grateful for that 
I will never forget you 
Thank you 
To each and every one of you 
From the bottom of my heart 

Friday, 19 August 2016

Bad blogger

I have been quite the bad blogger lately 
But in one way it's good
It means that my real life is full and busy
Instead of writing about my life 
I am actively living it
I do aplogise though
For not replying to comments 
For not keeping up with your blogs 
And for generally being MIA
It's hard to believe that the summer season is nearly over 
The town I work in is a seaside town 
So the population explodes during the summer
And is like a ghost town during winter 
As they say 
You have to make hay while the sun shines 
So everyone tries to make a buck while they can 
It seems like five minutes ago that I started working 
And now it's nearly over 
I can't lie 
I am really going to miss it
The people 
The guests 
My co workers 
The structure 
The routine 
Not to mention the money 
I know that I need to be smart 
And have things lined up for autumn 
Whether that be another job
Or a course
Something to keep me out of trouble 
As we all know that the devil makes work for idle hands 
Georgina has told me that if something comes up 
She will keep me in mind 
So I am grateful for that 
I really have done my best to be a reliable and hard worker 
As I often say 
It has taken me a lot of hard work
To get to the point where most people start off 
Just to get to the starting block
I've had to fight my way through the maze that is addiction and disordered eating 
Just to be the same as everyone else 
But hey 
That's life 
Some people just have to fight that bit harder 

Although things are going well
I still have a lot of work to do 
Especially around my intake 
If crisps and peanuts and chocolate are junk food 
Then I pretty much survive on junk food 
I can't lie 
I don't eat enough fruit and veg
In fact I don't eat any fruit at all 
At work 
I have what ever is going 
Which could be anything from a fry to bangers and mash 
But hey 
At least I'm eating 
I'm still alive 
So I must be doing something right
But this week
I had a sudden panic that I had gained too much weight 
I have nothing to base this information on
I don't have a scales 
And my clothes still fit 
Do really I have no evidence to support this 
It's nothing more than a feeling 
So I think I'm going to ask my doctor up weigh me on Monday 
Just to ease my mind 
Is this good idea?
I don't know 
I guess I will find out on Monday

This was just a little post 
To let you know that I am here 
I'm ok 
I'm alive and kicking 
Living life
Loving life 
Making mistakes on a daily basis
But learning from them too 
In looking forward to closing one chapter of my life 
And starting another 
I'm excited to see where life takes me 
It never ceases to amaze me the direction that life takes me 
And I am blessed to have wonderful people around me every step of the way 
I love it!!!!

Friday, 12 August 2016

Workin' 9 to 5....

Well not quite 9 to 5
More like 8 - 4
But you know what I mean
Our hours had been cut last week
Due to the centre being quiet mid week
But I managed to pick up some extra hours this week
As one of the girls is sick
Yesterday I was in by myself 
I was supposed to be working 8-12pm
But in actual fact 
I didn't get away until 3pm
There was just a lot to be done 
And I wanted to leave things in some sort of order 
Before I left 
I was chatting to Georgina in the office 
I said to her that I felt like I was forgetting to do something 
She told me not to second guess myself 
To be confident that I have done everything to a high standard 
But even so 
I was reluctant to leave without checking every thing 
And actually 
When I got home 
I started to worry that I hadn't turned the gas off 
And texted Georgina to check 
Of course I had 
But still 
Better safe than sorry 
I couldn't live with myself if I had inadvertently caused an accident at work 
But anyway 
All was well 
And I did my best to leave everything spic and span
I didn't even stop to eat 
So i know I worked hard 
Before I left 
Georgina asked me if I had seen one of the interviewers for my job on Monday 
His name is John
And he was one of the panel that interviewed me back in February
Apparently he called in to the centre this week
But I don't remember seeing him
He obviously saw me
As he said to Georgina that I was a different woman 
They was nice to hear 
She also said that back at my interview 
I looked quite unwell
I remember it so clearly 
I was going to wear a great jacket to the interview 
But my mam said I looked too thin I it 
So I had to find something else 
All along 
Georgina has said that the centre will be good for me 
And I will be good for the centre 
It's so true 
I am loving work 
And it has done me the world of good 
I couldn't ask for more 

As I said 
I was in on Monday morning for one of the girls 
I was chatting to the chef 
He is a young man 
The same age as me 
H was telling me that he had hurt his back playing golf 
And also that his chest was sore 
I was telling him that he should go to the doctor 
But like a typical man 
He wouldn't 
In fact at 9am 
I ran over to my own doctor 
To collect my script 
The chef asked me if I mind going to the doctor 
I said I didn't 
And in fact I had to go every week
He asked why 
And I knew I had talked myself in to corner 
For some reason 
I'm not quite sure why 
But I ended up telling him that I had a drug problem years ago
And that I was on a methadone programme
He reacted quite well
And seemed very curious 
Asked me questions 
I get on with this guy pretty well
So I didn't feel uncomfortable telling him 
He said he wouldn't tell anyone 
And I believe him
Although afterwards
I worried that I had been a bit too honest 
But look 
I'm open about my past 
I have nothing to hide 
And it's not like i am going around broadcasting it 
I told one person 
It's done now 
You can't unring a bell
I don't worry that he judged me 
He is not like that 
And anyway 
If he talks 
I'll know he broke my trust 
And I won't risk telling anyone else 

I'm back in work this evening 
Just four hours 
Which always flies by 
Then I'm back in tomorrow morning for hours 
Then an eight hour shift on Sunday
So I'll have a very healthy pay cheque next week 
Which is always nice

Thank you all for your feedback on my last post
I know I haven't been great at replying to comments
So apologies for that
But no 
I'm not going anywhere 
This blog 
And my friends here mean too much to me 
Even if our community is shrinking 
There are still plenty of us to keep it going 
Even if no one reads 
My blog is still a personal record for myself 
A diary of sorts 
And of course 
I always write in the hope that my blog can help someone else in a similar situation 
Because as you know 
My life has been quite eventful 
And I am coming out the other side of my illness and issues 
There is one thing that always sticks in my mind 
Something my psychiatrist wrote in a letter once 
That I have a 'chronic eating disorder'
And 'severe and enduring mental illness'
I can remember reading that and thinking 
That's not me 
That must be about someone else 
The words chronic 
And severe and enduring just sounded so hopeless 
These are words that have never left me 
And being my stubborn self 
Wanted to prove that doctor wrong 
Now I am 
I've managed to claw back in a few months, everything that I lost in the previous 15 years 
As I often say 
As quickly as things can go wrong 
They can also turn around just as quick 
It is just so so important to keep hoping and believing that things can get better 
To keep fighting for a better life 
For you and your family 
Because for every person that has a mental health issue or addiction
There is a whole group of family and friends that are suffering too
Often in silence 
If you think you can't go own 
If recovery seems like something out of reach 
Please know that it is possible 
I promise you that 
You have just got to keep holding on 
It will pay off 
And you will get better 
Look at me 
I thought I would never get well
And now I am the best I've been in a long time 
It is possible 
Recovery can happen 
It's there 
You just have to reach out and grab it

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

To blog or not to blog....

....That is the question
I'm sure you have noticed that I'm not blogging as much now as I used to
For a couple of reasons
I don't have as much free time 
Now that I am working 
And also 
I just don't have the material 
Back in 2012
I started writing this blog when I was I the thick of my disorder
The following years documented my struggles 
As I tried to recover
Over four years later 
I can finally say with confidence, that I am in recovery 
I am living post ED
Of course that is wonderful 
But it leaves my blog in a kind of limbo 
I rarely write about ED or addiction related topics anymore 
Yet I am still part of this community 
I guess I am just not sure if my blog is relevant any more 
After a few weeks of off the chart statistics 
My numbers have dropped again 
That doesn't bother me 
But I do wonder if my blog is needed or wanted anymore

So I am throwing the question over to you 
Do you still read my blog?
If yes why?
If no why?
Do you think there is still a place for my blog here on blogger?
What is a blogger to do.....?

Saturday, 6 August 2016


I was off work for a few days last week
As the centre was quiet and I wasn't needed
Georgina rang me on Wednesday 
And asked if I could do the house keeping shift the following day
I jumped at the chance 
As I need the hours 
And would be glad of the money 
So I arrived in to work for 10am
Prepared for a full day of hard work 
I got straight in it 
Stripping beds 
Changing sheets 
Replenishing towels 
I was on my own 
But Georgina was up and down to me 
I was following her out of one of the rooms 
And I was kind of trailing my fingers on the door 
When the door closed
And it closed on my thumb 
These are not any ordinary doors 
They are big heavy fire doors 
That close themselves 
So the door closed on my left thumb
I felt the pain
My thumb being utterly squashed 
Georgina was ahead of me 
But I couldn't get the words out 
To tell her I was stuck
But fair play to her 
When she saw the look on my face 
She realised what had happened 
She had to come around me 
To open the door and release my thumb 
It was only seconds 
But it felt like an eternity 
I looked at my thumb
It was all squashed and twisted looking 
Georgina immediately told me to hold it under cold water 
While she ran and got ice 
I couldn't really think straight 
I think I was in a bit of shock 
Another worker and the chef came up to me 
Which was nice of them 
I headed down to the dining room
To drink a cup of sugary tea
And to sit and hold the ice to my poor thumb
After sitting for a while 
I went over to the other centre 
Where a very kind woman called Denise coveted my thumb in arnica 
To help prevent bruising 
But still
My thumb was turning black as we watched it
To be safe 
Denise rang the doctor 
And they told her to send me over 
I went and collected my bag 
And we drive over 
Even though it was only down the road 
In the mean time 
I rang my mam 
Who happened to be shopping in town 
So she made her way over to me 
wasn't waiting long in the doctors 
It wasn't my usual doctor 
But it was Nice Woman Doctor 
So that was good 
She examined my thumb
Asked me to give a thumbs up
Which I couldn't really do 
I also couldn't really bend it
She said there was 40% chance that the bone was broken 
And said if it got any worse 
To go into casualty 
So she gave me a letter to give radiology 
And told me to go home 
And keep an eye on it 

So having barely worked a couple of hours 
I was heading home for the rest of the day 
I felt really pissed off
As I felt I was letting people down 
But hey 
What could I do?
I would have been no addition to them in work 
And I could have further injured myself 
So I took it easy for the set of the day 
My thumb was sore 
But it was pain I could bear
So I was pretty sure that it wasn't broken
And I was back in work yesterday 
And today 
The season is kind of winding down now. 
And we are not as busy 
I love being in work on a Friday 
As I get to meet everyone checking in
And it's easier to remember faces and names 
At least I find easier 
There are a lovely bunch staying with us this week 
Some real characters 
And this is what I love about my job 
I get to meet a whole range of different people 
From tiny tots to the elderly
Disabled people 
Mentally unwell people 
From all over 
And from all walks of life
It really opens my mind 
And reminds me that there is a whole wide world out there 
And most of all 
It takes me away from myself 
From ruminating 
From obsessing about one thing or another 
I am so busy at work 
That I don't get a chance to worry over my own stuff 
Which is great 
I really love my job though
I love everything about it 
My co workers 
My manager 
The guests 
Everyone is so lovely 
It's like this job was made for me 
It's busy 
But not stressful 
It's demanding emotionally 
But I can handle that 
And am able to leave work at work when I leave 
Most of the time anyway 
I am just so grateful that Georgina gave me a chance 
Because that's exactly what I needed 
Someone to see past the illness 
The addiction 
The struggles I have 
And give me a chance to grow and blossom and flourish 
Georgina is an incredible lady 
So passionAte about her work 
And that runs off on me 
I am definitely learning a lot from her 
In lots of areas 
How to deal with people
Sticky situations 
How to multitask 
How to work smarter instead of harder 
And my work is not just a job 
We provide holidays for people who might not ordinarily get one 
We help financially 
And we are there to chat and to listen 
It runs like a hotel 
But it's not really a hotel 
It's a house 
And everyone is welcome 
I really feel privileged that I get to help a family or a group enjoy their holiday 
I love chatting to the guests 
And probably do it a bit too much 
But look 
If it helps them
I am more than happy to sit and listen 
Some people just want someone to talk to 
And often times it's easier to speak to someone whose not directly involved in the situation 
So yes
I  am happy out at the moment 
Before I know it 
The summer will be over 
And do will my job 
I will really miss it though 
Even though Georgina said if anything came up
She would keep me in mind 
So hopefully something will

I need to tell you 
I feel in a really good place at the moment 
Life couldn't be better 
Of course I get days when I don't want to get out of bed 
When everything I try on makes me look huge 
When I just want to sit and cry my eyes out
But everyone gets these days 
I am not special 
I am human 
And as humans we have bad days 
And that's perfectly ok
It's normal 
Show me a person who never has a bad day 
And I will eat my own foot 
My happiness at the moment is not connected to my weight 
Or the fact I am self medicating 
It's an inner happiness 
That comes from feeling good about myself 
From work hard 
Both at my job 
And at my recovery 
I know I'm lucky 
I have a strong family around me
Some amazing friends and co workers 
I couldn't ask for more
I remember from AA
There are 12 promises 
And one of them is that you will find a life beyond your wildest dreams
It's not about money 
Or material gains 
It's about living a real and authentic life 
From opening my heart and my mind 
From feeding myself good food 
From not weighing myself 
From being the best person I can be 
So today 
I urge you 
For one day 
Let go of your vice 
See what life is like without it 
I promise you 
The feeling of contentment I have 
Is better than any drug
Any number on a scale 
It's a feeling that I am ok
More than ok 
That I'm going to make it 
Despite everything I have been through 
I still want to live my life 
I still want to carry on
You can't ask for more than that...

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Toughing it out...

The last few days have been tough
After hearing about the suicide of my friend 
I almost fell apart
I was at work when I found out 
So I couldn't very well crumble then
But on Sunday night
I had a dream about my friend 
He was exactly the way I remember him
I woke up in the morning in tears
Cue a whole day of feeling so sad and emotional
I had my doctor at 9am
And the minute I sat down in his office 
The tears continued to flow
My doctor was so kind to me 
He let me cry 
Gave me as much time as I needed to collect myself 
The thing about suicide 
Is that it leaves so many unanswered questions 
And what ifs?
What if I had been a better friend?
What if we had never broke up?
What if I had made more of an effort?
But as my doctor said 
A person could seem fine one minute 
Then go home and overdose 
Or hang themselves 
You just never know what is going through a persons head 
On Sunday I went to mass at the holy well with my parents 
I prayed for my friend 
And lit a candle for him
Saying goodbye in my own way 
I just hope he is at peace now 

I've had no work since Saturday 
As it's been very quiet
But I'm back in tomorrow 
And will be working all weekend 
To be honest 
I've missed work 
I miss the structure 
The routine 
The escape 
The people 
I'm glad to get back to it 
And of course the paycheque at the end of the week is always welcome 

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday 
Or at least one of his team 
She was lovely 
A Polish lady 
So friendly and enthusiastic 
She told me that she had been reading my file 
And that I am doing really well
She seemed genuinely pleased for me 
I spoke a bit about my friend 
As he has been on my mind so very much 
She was so kind too 
I must say 
I feel
So grateful for the people I have in my life 
A lot of the time 
I feel like I am being carried along by them 
My feet not touching the ground at all 
I am surrounded by amazing people 
My family 
My friends 
May horse riding 
At work 
And especially the friends I've made recently 
Now I can say that I truly know the meaning of friendship 
I've let go of people who were dragging me down 
Using me
I now know that I am worth so much more 
I deserve to be treated well
Just like anyone else 
I won't set myself on fire 
To keep someone else warm
And God knows I've done enough of that over the years 

I am just back from horse riding 
It was fantastic as always 
I got a lift out with Fintan 
And it was just the two of us today 
I like when it's just the two of us 
As we are in a similar place riding wise 
And today Eilish really pushed us 
And got very technical
I loved it though 
I love the challenge 
I'm so eager to learn and improve 
And just be the best that I can 
We did a good bit of cantering 
Which is such a rush!
I swear 
I am so envious of Eilish and her family 
The have this brilliant facility in their back garden 
They can ride when ever they want 
I would give anything to have that available to me 
An hour a week just isn't enough anymore 
So I asked Eilish if come autumn I could go out for half a day a week
And maybe get two lessons instead of one 
Fintan would also love to do this 
Eilish said to leave it with her 
So hopefully that will happen for us 
It would just make more sense all round 
I travel an hour to get to riding 
So to spend more time there would really benefit me
I finish work in September 
So it would be great to have that To look forward to

In other news
My Dad is deteriorating quite a bit 
And we are all very concerned about him
We worry that he is not managing at home alone 
Basic every day things like dressing, cooking and shopping my are becoming increasingly difficult fir him
The nurse specialist is visiting him today 
And in fairness 
The support he is getting is fantastic 
He is being well looked after 
It's very hard as we need endless patience to deal with him
I guess it's an adjustment for us all
And it will take time 

But yes 
Even though I am feeling a bit raw and emotional 
I am ok 
Or at least I will be
I like to think of my friend as I knew him 
And I do have a lot of fond memories 
That's what I'm going to hold on to
It seems everyone has a past 
Something they are dealing with 
No one is immune 
No one gets off Scott free
We all have across to bear 
ED wise 
I am doing ok 
I have no clue what I weigh 
It doesn't really matter I guess 
As long as my clothes fit 
And I feel healthy and well
That's all that really matters 
Yes I still purge from time to time 
But recovery is about progression not perfection
I'm doing the best I can
I'm eating 
I'm not restricting in any way 
I'm not compensating with exercise or laxatives 
I still struggle with body image 
And struggle not see myself body in a negative light 
I have to accept I'm not 19 anymore 
I am a 34 year old woman 
I have boobs and hips 
I'm curvy 
I have a shape 
Some days I love it 
Other days I hate it 
But I'm healthy and happy 
No matter what I weigh 
I would take this over anorexia or bulimia any day of the week

That's it from me for today 
I'm off for a cuppa 
And to spend some time with my dogs 
See you on the next post....