Saturday, 30 January 2016

New blogs?

I am always on the look out for new blogs
Fresh blood
New writers 
Different takes on ED and addiction
Of course I love and treasure all my regular readers and their blogs 
God knows you keep me going when I feel I can't
But so many gave left blogger over the last couple of years 
Friends that meant a lot to me and other bloggers
It makes me sad
I am just hoping that these bloggers left to live a rich and fulfilled life
And don't need the support of blogger anymore 
Our community has dwindled a lot recently
I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing 
And of course 
I try to read a mixture of blogs
Some who are in recovery
Some who are not 
And some who are somewhere in between 
I like to read the whole story 
From start to finish 

I'm asking you my lovely readers
Maybe you have a new blog
Maybe you know of some exciting new blogs that need a bit of help and support 
Let's welcome some new writers in to our little community 
Let's show what we are all about 
Helping each other get through the tough times 
Pulling each other up
Instead of down
I've read before that some new bloggers find it hard to become part of our community
Probably because we are so tight 
And so close 
I understand that 
When I first started writing almost four years ago
I was welcomed with open arms 
Blogger was buzzing with activity back then 
And I believe it can be like that again
We can make blogger in to that thriving, exciting place it once was
Are you with me?

We desperately need to preserve our community 
We need to make sure there is always a place for the bewildered
The suffering 
The struggling 
The disordered 
The lonely 
The scared 
Blogger has saved my life over and over again 
And I want to make sure it is around for future sufferers 
So if you have a blog
Or you know of some new blogs 
Do let me know 
And we will do our best to welcome them

Friday, 29 January 2016

The day after

I found it really difficult to wind down And relax after yesterday's interview
I had so much anxiety
And so much adrenaline running through my body before hand 
Sitting on that couch 
Waiting to be called in
Was beyond nerve wracking 
I haven't felt that anxious in a long time
I thought it was funny in the interview
When the man said I had a 'very interesting existence up until now'
All I could think was 
Seriously dude
You don't know the half of it
That CV was the PG version of my life
I find people are shocked when I tell them about my past
I guess I don't look like a typical addict
But then what does an addict look like?
Really it could be any of us 
The working mum who drinks a bottle of wine every night to unwind 
The invalid who got addicted to pain medication 
The homeless man addicted to heroin
The young student who tAkes party pills 
Or the housewife who is addicted to over the counter meds
There really is no typical addict 
Addiction knows no boundaries
It crosses gender
It could happen to anyone 

After the interview yesterday
My mum, my sister and I went for dinner in one of the local pubs
I had bangers and mash
The others both had Turkey and Ham
It was delicious 
And very welcome on a cold winters day
When I got home 
I got straight in to my pyjamas 
And took my meds 
Lit a fire 
And cozied up on the couch for the evening 
The interview was running through my head 
Over and over again on a loop
By 10pm
I was starting to nod off
So I took mused off to bed
Read about three lines of my book
Before falling in to a deep sleep 

My mum and I brought Lea for a walk
Honey elected to stay in her bed
I don't blame her 
Then we went and did the food shopping 
Before dropping a few items over for my neighbour 
I am looking forward to taking it easy for the day
I have nothing to do
And the whole day to do it 

The interview 
If nothing else
Was a great learning experience 
I learned that I have valuable experience 
That will be perfect, maybe not for this job
But for another job 
I learned that I can feel massive anxiety 
But can push through it and get the job done 
I learned that my life could look interesting to an outsider 
And hopefully 
Because of that 
I will be remembered
I learned that I can walk in to a room with three strangers
And sell myself, my qualities and experience 
I learned that I am not a waste of space 
That all my life experience has not been in vain 
That every little thing in my life 
Has made me who I am today 
And I'm starting to see 
That I am an ok person 
I have made monumental mistakes in my time 
Sometimes I do such stupid things 
That I think I need my head examined 
I have learned from every mistake 
And most people are kind enough to give a second chance 
Because everyone deserves one 
Every one f**ks up royally once in a while 
That's life
That's human 
That's growing up
If I let every mistake I ever made get me down 
I would never get anywhere 
We have to let it go
We have to  forgive ourselves
Hope others can Too
And move on
I know that I'm not a bad person
Yes I've done some utterly stupid things in my time 
In addiction 
I was cunning, sly, manipulative 
I swear an addict with a bit of a brain is a dangerous combination 
But most people are good
It is rarely you meet someone who is bad to the bone 
Yes, they are out there 
But they are the exception rather than the rule

In other news
I have given up weighing myself 
I'm just not willing to let a stupid little number dictate my mood and self esteem anymore
I'm sick of measuring my self worth in pounds and ounces 
It doesn't matter what I weigh 
It really doesn't 
As long as I am not drastically underweight 
Or drastically over weight
Somewhere in between is absolutely fine 
I'm pretty sure my weight is holding steady though 
As my clothes fit the same
I've had to wear my jeans rolled down at the top
As most of them are too big for me now 
So it's no harm if I gain a few pounds 
I know the too skinny look is not a good one 
Health wise or aesthetically 
So I'm going to use the moderation approach 
Everything in moderation 
Including moderation
That sounds like a good plan to me
And anyway 
Mary has asked me not to weigh at home 
And she will weigh me once a week

That's all from me today folks
Thanks for reading and supporting my blog
See you on the next post...

Thursday, 28 January 2016

The Interview

It's Thursday evening
My interview was at 3pm
All I can say is 
Thank God that it's over
I spent a good two days preparing 
Researching the company
Having typical questions ready to go
I had picked out an outfit of a blue shirt, black trousers and a grey jacket that sinched in at the waist
But when I tried it on in the morning
My mum said that it made me look very thin
So I reverted back to the original black jacket which at least gave me a bit of shape
I spent yesterday morning going over all the information I had gathered
Put myself together as best as I could
But needless to say
I was very nervous
I decided not to take my mega until after the interview
As I wanted to be fully awake and alert

The weather was atrocious as we were leaving to go to the interview
My mother drove 
As my car is full of dog hair
I had to put a bigger coat on
As it was freezing 
We arrived at the interview about ten minutes before 
I made my way inside 
And sat on the couch outside the meeting room
I took my bigger coat off
I also had a small bag
So I was trying to sit myself in a position where it would be easy to grab both
And still have a hand free to shake hands with the interviewers
So I put my jacket and bag over my right arm 
But then realised that I shake with my right hand
So I moved all to my left arm
And literally perched on the edge of the seat
Ready to go

The previous applicant came out of the room
An older woman with, yes you've guessed it, a black suit
It seems you were right about the black suits Louisa
The manager popped her head out and said she would be with me shortly 
I was practically off the seat by this point 
Just wishing it was all over 
Two minutes later 
I was called in 
The manager introduced me to the two other interviewers
I couldn't tell you who they are
Or what their names are 
I didn't hear a word that was said 
I was so busy trying to sit down and not have a complete panic attack
The male interviewer started 
He told me about the position 
The pay
What's expected of an employee
He then turned to my application
'You've led a very interesting existence' he said 
I laughed a nervous chuckle 
We went through my work history
The dancing 
The pizzeria 
The bank
I also mentioned in my form about my writing
The man seemed very interested in my blog
And what, how and why it worked
I hope my passion and enthusiasm came across in what I do
One of the ladies asked me do I write under a nom de plume
Thankfully I knew what she was talking about 
Because I could easily have forgotten given the stress of the situation
They also asked what I could bring to the job
Do I work well as part of a team
Have I ever been in a crisis 
How did i deal with it 
Dealing with difficult people
Was there anything in my previous jobs 
I thought I could improve on
I had spoke to a friend who works in this area
And he really helped with 'buzz words'
I tried to speak slowly and clearly
Make good eye contact
And generally show that I am a capable and able person
Who puts 100% in to everything I do
The interviewers didn't pick up on a couple of gaps in my work history
I did allude that my blog was about health and lifestyle 
But they asked no more about that 
As the interview progressed
I did relax a little 
I hope my personality came through
And I came across well
I tried to sell myself to the best of my ability
Which does not come naturally to me
As an Irish person
We are notoriously bad at putting ourselves out there
And showing what we can do
We are taught from a young age to be humble in the regard
So it is difficult in an interview 
At times
I felt like I was repeating myself 
But some of the questions were similar
So I hope that's ok
Before I knew it
It was all over 
They asked me if I was happy with the interview
Which I was 
They also mentioned that I don't have a lot of experience in this industry
And I guess that has stuck in my mind 
I did tell them about helping my elderly neighbour 
So hopefully that will go some way to helping my case
And that was it 
I thanked them
And The manager walked me out
On my way out the door I saw the next candidate 
An older man 
I was starting to wonder if I had a chance at all
Maybe they were looking for someone more mature 
I don't know
They said they will let me know one way or another next week

I got back in to the car
And my mum and I headed to a local pub 
To meet my sister for dinner
I was still wound up after the interview
I was thinking of things that I could and should have said
Going over what I did say
Did I say enough?
Was I babbling? 
Did I make any sense at all?
I would have loved some feedback from them
But I guess I can request that after I find out if I got the job or not
I had to go through the whole thing three times
Once to mum
Then to my sister 
Then my Dad who phoned while we were at dinner
Oh I forgot to say
Mary sent me a good luck text this morning
Which was so nice of her 
Everyone around me was a brilliant support 
My family 
And you 
Who even though I have never met any of you
I felt your love and support every step of the way

So that's it
Done and dusted 
I've done all I can do 
I just have to let go of the stress and nerves
If I get it
If I don't
On to the next thing
And learn from this 
That was my first interview in years
So if nothing
It was a good experience 
Thank you for your continued support
You guys have been nothing short of amazing
I'd be lost without you

Wednesday, 27 January 2016


My interview is tomorrow at 3pm
And all systems are go to prepare for it
I sat down with my sisters and mum yesterday evening 
And went over possible questions that I may be asked 
I jotted them all down
And I also researched the charity
So I will know if I am asked
It actually seems like a really great organisation
Founded here in Ireland in 1844
They are the largest voluntary organisation
Their main goal is to help individuals and families alleviate poverty
It's such a force for good
And is something I would love to be involved in
I also rang a guy I know 
Who works in the same area
He was a great help 
And gave me some insider knowledge 
As well as key buzz words that interviewers look for 
Last night 
I sorted out my outfit 
Louisa suggested that I not wear the typical interview uniform
Black blazer
Black slacks 
And a white shirt 
This is a safe bet 
But as Louisa pointed out 
Everyone will be wearing that 
And it might be good to wear something else 
Just so I stand out 
I have a navy blue dress I could wear 
But I will make a final decision later on today

My sister pointed out that interviewers want to see personality 
And I hope I come across friendly yet professional 
Capable and able 
With a can do attitude
I hope I can show that I work well on my own and can use my initiative 
But also work well as part of a team
And can take direction well
I want to show that I am a good all rounder 
My sister alwAys says
If you wAnt something done
Ask Ruby
Because I am quick and efficient 
And get the job done 
So if I could manage to get that in
That would be great
I guess I want to sell myself 
But not come across as arrogant or over confident
Balance me thinks 
If I can communicate that I am enthusiastic and motivated 
I minght just have a chance 
Now it's just a waiting game 
Keep going over my notes 
Keep hoping that  I do well
Keep fighting for a better life

Tuesday, 26 January 2016


I've been keeping an eye on the post this week
Hoping to hear something from the job
I was convinced that I wouldn't even get an interview
But today I got a letter
Telling me that I've been short listed for the interview
Which is on Thursday at 3pm
You guys 
I am so excited 
So grateful to have the chance to make a case for myself in person 
Now I have some work to do before Thursday
I have to find an appropriate outfit
I'm thinking slacks, white shirt, blazer and small heeled shoes 
I'll sort that out later 
And will show you photos so you can give me some feedback
I also want to go over some questions that they are likely to ask
And maybe do some research about the charity and the place itself
This is huge for me though
I haven't done a job interview in years 
But any job I have ever gone for, I have been successful 
Granted I may be a little rusty now
But I will give it my best shot 
That's all I can do

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
Do you have any tips for interview?
Do you think I should take out my nose ring?
What would you wear to an interview?
What do you think employers look for in a candidate?
Any thoughts greatly appreciated

Tuesday 26 January

 I saw Mary first thing this morning
We had a good chat
I told her about the eating and purging spinning out of control
Calm as ever
She asked me about my meals
And what I am eating of a day
Breakfast is fine
I have tea and toast 
And sit at the kitchen table
I have no problem doing this
And even though it's only a relatively recent thing 
It has become my new normal 
Lunch and dinner are more of a problem
As I tend to graze throughout the day
Rather than eating fixed meals
Dinner I eat at the table too
But it rarely stays down 
And then I'm back to square one again
I really need to do a proper meal plan
Know what I'm having to eat that day
Have the correct ingredients ready to go
And then do something afterwards
To distract myself from purging
This is all great in theory 
But in practise 
Well let's just say it's not easy
Mary said she believes in me
That I can do this 
And her belief makes me believe 

Mary also told me about something exciting
One of the other social workers asked Mary if she knew anyone who was interested in working with animals 
Specifically horses
It turns out 
That a former social worker who now runs a stables
Is looking for people with mental health issues to volunteer there 
I was super excited to hear this 
It's right up my street 
So Mary is going to get the woman's number 
And I can contact her myself 
You guys 
This sounds perfect for me
And if the job doesn't work out
I can see myself doing this
Horses are a lot like dogs I think 
Very in tune with people
And have the ability to heal 
Since Mary told me about it
I can't stop thinking about how I would just love to do this
It has my name written on it!
Fingers crossed this works out

And of course 
If I am going to be working 
Whether in the job or with animals 
I need to keep my strength up
Eat properly
And look after myself 
I mean
I am no good to anyone if I am weak from lack of food
It will also give my day structure and routine
As well as contributing to help my self esteem and confidence
I just really hope that one f these opportunities works out
I would be glad of either
Or even both 
I think volunteering 
Or working 
Will also provide me with a feel good factor
One job is helping the elderly 
The other is helping animals 
Just to know that I am helping others will be a huge boost
I just can't wait to get started!
But at the same time
I don't want to get my hopes up too high
Just in case they don't turn out
And that's why I need a plan C and a plan D
So I have something to fall back on
And have all bases covered 

In other news 
I'm managing to hold steady with my weight
And haven't had any noticeable drops in the last couple of weeks
It always in my face where the weight loss is most noticeable 
You would think it would come off my ass or my thighs 
But no
It's always the face
And I end up looking like a gaunt little old lady
I spoke with Mary this morning
And the aim is to gain half a kilo a week
Which is doable I think
My target weight in hospital was 54kg
And that seems to be the weight that is my set point 
And where I feel most comfortable 
I know the weight I am at now is not normal for a 34 year old woman 
And when I had a bit more weight on me
I was actually beginning to like it
But really and truly 
It's not about weight at all
It's just a symptom of a greater problem
It's a side effect of the illness
And I know I don't look well 
My cheeks are sunken 
Dark circles under my eyes 
And a pale pallor 
There is nothing pretty about that 
There is nothing romantic or glamorous about purging ten times a day
This life is nothing to aspire to
It's a dead end 
And once you fall down the rabbit hole
It is nigh on impossible to get out 

In saying all this 
I still feel positive 
And hopeful
I am lucky
I have my family and Mary
People who believe in me until I can believe in myself 
Because if it wasn't for them
I would have fallen apart long ago
I don't know what I have done to deserve such amazing people in my life 
I don't take them for granted 
And every day 
I thank God and my lucky stars to have them in my life 
When someone holds your hands so tightly 
Looks you dead in the eyes
And tells you with such conviction
That you will be ok
It's hard to argue with that 
So today
I say the very same thing to you
Instead of holding you 
And speaking to you
I type these words 
With all the strength and conviction I can muster 
That you 
Yes you
You will be alright 
You will get through this 
And you will come out the other side stronger than ever 
This I promise you
So please 
I ask you 
To keep holding on 
Keep hanging in there 
Keep putting one foot in front of the other
And keep going 
I will if you will 
Pinkie promise.....?

Monday, 25 January 2016

Monday 25 January

The weekend was pretty busy
My brother and his partner were here for a couple of nights 
I love having them here
But I was also glad for things to go back to normal yesterday
It felt like Christmas was a month long this year 
As we had so many visitors
I love when there are people in the house 
But I also feel a bit of relief when they leave 
And I can get back to my usual routine 
My ED tends to get out of hand when there are people here 
And I try to eat in secret 
Which is not really doable when there is a house full of people
When my brother and his partner left
I found myself in the middle of a non stop eat purge cycle 
I literally couldn't stop 
And a big part of me wasn't aware I was doing it
At about 8pm last night 
I was in the kitchen 
Making pasta 
My mother came in 
She said 'Ruby, are you aware you've been eating and purging all day? I'm really worried about you, you're spinning out of control!'
Just then 
My sister came in to the room
And backed up what my mother was saying
I was mortified 
So embarrassed 
I just wanted to run away
My mother kept saying that I was going to kill myself 
And this had to stop
must admit though 
I hadn't fully realised it was this bad 
I mean of course I know I am purging a lot 
But I never thought it was noticeable to others
Which is silly really
Because of course they notice 
They live with me 
They see me going around in circles from the kitchen to the bathroom
One thing is for sure 
This has to stop 
Before I lose  my mind and my sanity
Before something really bad happens 

I saw my doctor this morning 
He asked me if I enjoyed the meal out on Froday night 
And asked me if I find it difficult going out to eat  
I do 
I told him that going out for dinner is not my first choice of things to do for fun
My doctor sat back in his chair
As he does when he's up for a chat
He asked me about purging 
And how much I ate 
I told him I had three courses 
Which for me was way too much to stomach
And that I purged in between each one
He made the point that I could just have one course
And try and keep that down 
I mean yes
That makes perfect sense
But the thing is 
I want to eat the food 
But my eyes are bigger than my belly 
And I always end up feeling really full and uncomfortable 
I told my doctor that I am seeing my psychiatrist again next week 
And he had spoken about increasing the Prozac 
My doctor said we could look at that 
Last week he talked about reducing the methadone today
But because things are a bit all over the place 
We put that off for a couple of weeks
I was glad of that 

Seriously though
I need to get back on track 
I can't go on like this 
It's a living hell 
I feel so out of control 
And something has got to give 
My body will only tolerate so much abuse
Before it starts to break down
And I get really ill 
And I hate that I am worrying my family 
I hate that they are suffering along with me
So today 
I am making a big effort 
Breakfast is fine 
I eat tea and toast at the table every morning 
This is a relatively new thing for me
But recently I have got in to the routine of doing it
And now it has become my new normal
I don't usually eat lunch 
I tend to graze through out the day
Then in the evening I have dinner with my mum and sister 
But always purge 
At night I could eat and purge up to five times
The thing is 
I'm not sure I can do this
People always say to me 
You gave up smoking 
You quit drugs 
Of course you can do this 
But I'm not so sure 
Food is proving to be the most difficult addiction to crack
But I have to 
If I want any semblance of a normal life

I can't quite put my finger on when this relapse started 
I know I started losing weight mid November 
And lost it very quickly
But even before that 
My mood had dipped markedly 
In Turkey I wasn't in great form 
And I've had some really bad days since then 
I've been feeling lower than usual
Feeling like something awful is going to happen 
Like an impending sense of doom
I've also been feeling hopeless
Like I am a lost cause 
And I must admit 
It has been tempting to just disappear
But that is a permanent answer to a temporary problem 
I feel hyper sensitive too 
Hyper aware 
Sonetimes my feelings are right
But more often than not 
I am picking up things that are not actually there 
Which leads to a touch of paranoia
And that is a nightmare in itself 

The truth is though 
I have a lot to live for 
My family 
My dogs 
The prospect of getting a job I would love 
The possibility of meeting a nice guy 
All the wonderful experiences that I will have if I just hang in there 
Really my self esteem needs a good injection of self belief and confidence 
I'm trying to build myself up
And start to like myself 
And believe in myself 
But I have a tendency to put myself down 
And beat myself up
It's hard to have any confidence 
It's hard to believe that I am enough just the way I am 
This is why I think the job would be great for me 
I could really thrive and blossom given the opportunity 
And it would do wonders for my confidence 
Speaking of the job 
I am hoping to hear from them today or tomorrow 
The waiting is killing me 
And I sincerely hope it's good news
But whatever happens 
I know I did my best 
And gave it a good shot
That's all I could do  
And if it doesn't work out 
There will be something else 
Something perfect for me

I hate the fact that so much of my blog recently has been about my ED behaviours
I truly hope that I am not triggering anyone 
I do want tngive an honest account of my life and my recovery 
But I also don't want this to become a habit 
I am going to do my best to get back on track 
I had got a point where my ED was secondary in my life 
It didnt infringe on my life anymore 
But now 
It's taking it over again
And I hate that 
I just need to slowly change my behaviours 
My way of doing things 
I have to do it
What is the alternative.....?

Saturday, 23 January 2016

Night out!

As you may know
I don't tend to venture out at night
I don't frequent pubs and clubs
The only reason I would be out after dark would be to go to the theatre or cinema
Now that it is winter
I am usually in my pyjamas by 6pm
But last night 
Eight of my family went out for dinner
You might remember a few months ago
We got the news that my brother was offered a two book deal with Picador
We didn't see him or his partner over Christmas 
So they came here yesterday for the weekend
And we all went out last night for dinner

We booked the meal in a lovely little restaurant in the next village
To be honest 
I don't particularly like going out for dinner
It's not my first choice of fun things to do 
Because for me
Being  bulimic 
It's just a total waste of money
But anyway 
Back to last night 
We all dressed up a little 
I wore a denim pinafore dress 
With a stripe the top
And grey tights 
I also wore a pair of heels which I rarely do
We set off at about 7 30pm
To sit down for dinner at 8 pm
The restaurant itself was lovely 
But perfectly formed 
Nice music 
And friendly staff
We settled at our table for eight
And began to look over the menus 
It was decided that we would have three courses 
Which sounded like a marathon to me
But I decided to do my best 
I ordered the asparagus and courgette soup for starter
The quail with champ and wild mushrooms for mains 
And the ice cream and a cup of tea for dessert

An amuse bouche was served
A tiny shot of soup in a delicate little cup
It was delicious 
And did the trick to whet our appetite 
The came the starter which was lovely 
Followed by the main
I was just finishing my quail
When my mother called me 
I followed her gaze 
And found myself looking at my doctor 
I don't know why 
But I felt a little bit uncomfortable 
It's not the first time I've met him out and about 
And of course it's a small community
Do I am bound to run in to him somewhere 
He was just finishing his meal
And waved as he went up to pay
I de used to take the opportunity to go to the bathroom
When I came back 
He was still there
Then as he was leaving 
He tipped me on the shoulder and said goodbye 
I though that was really nice of him
And just goes to show what a decent person he is 

I relaxed a little after he left
But I wasn't myself anyway 
I was a bit quiet and withdrawn
But I did my best to stay in good form 
We were celebrating after all
And we don't often have good news like this
After dessert 
We all had teas and coffee
And started to get ready to leave
It was an expensive night out 
But again
We don't do it very often 
At me point in the night
I got a bit paranoid 
And thought my sister and my nephew were laughing at me 
They always mess when they get together 
But for some reason 
Probably because I was feeling a bit low
I thought they were making fun of me
By the end of the night 
I was fighting back tears 
And as soon as we got home I went straight to bed 
And had a proper cry
My sister came down to me
And I told her why I was upset
She said there was no way they were laughing at me
I believe her
But I still felt really tearful 
woke up feeling a lot better
I guess this is another side of my illness
And thinking people are making fun of me 
Or laughing at me 
It's a horrible feeling 
To think that people would deliberately make me feel excluded like that 
I guess I am hyper sensitive 
And sometimes my feelings are warranted 
Sometimes not
But it's an amazing how a good nights sleep can make you feel better 
And able to see things clearly 

My Dad was down for the meal too
We went out this morning with the dogs 
And he gave me a rather stern talking to
He noticed my weight loss 
He would as he only sees me every few weeks 
He expressed concern 
And pleaded with me not to lose anymore weight 
He said he couldn't face seeing me like a 'bag of bones' like I was before  
I hate worrying my family 
And I guess it's down to me not to mAke them worried 
Deep in my ED brain
My illness got a sick kick out of knowing that I've lost weight 
How twisted is that 
It makes me feel so guilty that I feel that way 
But I feel I have to be honest 
I hold on to my ED behaviours
Because they serve a purpose
It was the same with drugs or smoking 
At first 
There is a payoff for the behaviours 
With drugs it's the rush
The escape 
With smoking it's the calming and relaxing effect
But there comes a point 
When the negative consequences begin to our weight the positive
With my ED 
It's a stress reliever 
Anxiety reliever 
It's also an escape 
And boiling things down to weight 
Gives me something to focus on other than my issues
I quit drugs
Gave up smoking 
Now food is my only vice 
And it's proving the trickiest to deal with

I have homework from Mary this week
And one of those items is to go to a meeting 
I've decided to go to the Tuesday lunch time meeting 
I also have to not purge as much as possible 
Eat three meals and two snacks 
I can't lie 
It's a lot to ask 
And I feel a bit overwhelmed 
As ever 
It's one step at a time 

Friday, 22 January 2016

Friday 22 January

I finally got around to implementing my New Years resolution this week
And gave some money to my mum to save for me
I could save it myself 
But then I run the risk of temptation when I feel the urge to spend 
I'm really not all that good with money
At least up until now I haven't been
I remember when I went to the meetings
I heard several speak about their shopping addiction
I can relate to that 
The urge to spend 
The impulse to buy that skirt you just have to have
The feeling that my life would be complete if I had that pair of jeans
I'm trying save €30 a week
Plus money towards house keeping
It makes me feel good to contribute
And it's only fair seeing as I share this house too
It's a good life lesson
If I ever move out on my own 
I need to know how to budget my money 
And if it's a choice between buying food for the week or a pair of jeans 
I need to be able to make the right choice 
Because that's what responsible adults do

In other news
We have more visitors this week
My Dad is coming for the weekend 
As are my brother and his partner 
We are all going out for dinner tonight 
To celebrate my brothers book deal 
It's so great to have good news for a change 
For so long 
My family pin-balled from one crisis to another
There was always something 
Always drama 
Tears and fights 
For so long 
We were falling apart
We were horrid to each other
But now 
Well now things couldn't be more different 
Addiction is a thing of the past 
We get on now 
We actually like each other now  
We care about each other's well being now 
And that my friends
Is a friggin revelation 

I'm hoping to hear about the job soon
The closing date for applications was Wednesday 
The manager told me that they would go through them yesterday 
It might be early days to expect to hear from them today
But certainly by Monday or Tuesday 
I hope to find out that I've been called for an interview 
They are not calling everyone for interview 
But I really hope to be
Because I'd love the chance to make a case for myself in person
I want to show them that I am enthusiastic and motivated 
That I'm friendly 
And wiling to learn
I'm probably getting my hopes up way too high 
But I can't help it 
I can't help getting excited at the prospect of being part of the working world 
Living life 
Being independent 
Taking care of my own stuff
And generally being a functioning member of society
I just want to be productive 
I wany to feel like I am worthwhile and valuable 
And have something to offer 
I feel like I could really do this job
And in fact
It wouldn't even be like a job
As I know I would enjoy the work 
Three evenings a week
From 4pm - 10pm is so manageable for me 
When I worked in the pizzeria
I was on the same hours  there 
And that suited me just fine 

Here I am 
Hoping and praying 
I just want to know either way
As ever I will keep you posted....

Thursday, 21 January 2016

Thursday 21 January

I saw Mary this afternoon
I didn't get to see her last week due to the bad weather we've been having
So I was really looking forward to seeing her this week 
I followed her up the stairs to the office
And settled in my usual seat
The first thing she asked me was if I am weighing myself 
I told her that I don't think my scales is working 
As it gives me a different number every time I stand on it 
I spyed Mary's scales in the corner of the room
So I knew what was coming next
She gently asked me if I minded being weighed 
I didn't 
So I removed my coat and boots 
And tentatively stepped on to the scales 
I looked at the number 
Which is out of character for me
But I was really curious to know what my weight was 
We worked out that I've lost ten kilos since I was discharged from therapy
It wasn't a shock 
I know my weight has been dropping 
And I really get no joy out of that 
Maybe at one point in my life 
The numbers mattered 
But not so much any more 
Of course 
The ED part of my brain gets a sick kick out of the loss
But I don't have the visceral reaction I used to when I see the number 
Which is a relief 

After that 
We moved on to discuss other matters 
We talked about my purging 
And how I'm going to have to get on top of it 
We made a list of things for me to do this week
Which includes 
Making a meal plan 
Three meals and two snacks 
Go to a meeting 
Keep a food diary 
No weighing 
And have a back up plan of the job doesn't work out 
Mary has such faith in me
She tells me that I am not realising my potential 
And it would be such a waste if I didn't find something to do that I love
She talked about the conference that I spoke at a couple of years ago
And that the response she got afterwards was over whelming
That was so lovely to hear 
As speaking at that conference meant so much to me 
I had the chance to speak in front of a room full of medical professionals, family members and sufferers
I felt like I was speaking for our whole community 
And I wanted to do you all proud 
It was one of the scariest things I have ever done 
But it was also one of the most worthwhile things I have ever done 
Explaining an ED to someone with no experience of one is pretty difficult 
Because it makes no sense 
Even to the sufferer 
But I did my best 
And that's all I can do 

Mary and I spoke for another while 
About having things to do
And also about self care 
Which is something that Breda also speaks about
Looking after myself 
Doing things for me 
Things I enjoy
I guess I don't do a lot of that 
I used to swim in the mornings 
Got to meetings 
Meet friends 
Go in to town 
I used to do reflexology 
Or get my eye brows done 
I've been letting all that slip 
I was telling Mary
That if I'm home alone 
I don't cook
I don't light a fire 
Don't even turn on the heat
Because it's just me 
And it would just be a waste 
In other words 
I don't deserve it
And that speaks volumes me thinks 
I look at my Mum
She has a nice life carved out for herself 
Lots of friends 
Like book clubs
And she recently became a Samaritan 
Where she will be working on a helpline 
She always has something to do
Some where to be
Someone to meet
So I can take my cue from her
Follow her example 
As she really is an amazing role model 

I have a busy week ahead of me
I have two appointments with Mary next week
Just until I am back on track
I need to focus on my food
Have everything to hand 
So it's not a chore 
I told Mary that I struggle with portion sizes 
I either give myself too much or not enough
And if I am going to purge
I definitely overeat to the point where it is uncomfortable 
I love my food
And I don't want to feel deprived 
I do need to get my food and eating under control 
Because my normal is under or over eating 
My normal is heading to the bathroom when I'm finished my food and sticking two fingers down my throat
And throwing up until I taste bile
My normal is feeling dizzy when I stand up
It's spending €50 at a time on food 
And eating it all in the space of 24 hours
My normal is not having a bowel movement for weeks on end 
It's feeling so out of control where food is concerned, that I fear for my health and my sanity
My normal is standing the scales every morning 
And measuring my self worth from the number I see
My normal is feeling my heart flutter on my chest 
Like it might give out at any minute 
This is my normal
This is my life 
This is what I deal with all day, every day
Because my ED does not take holidays 
Or days off 
My ED has endless energy
And I am often worn out long before it is 
Because the truth is 
I am running off of the fumes of recovery right now 
This relapse has really knocked the wind out of me 
And I am clawing my way back 
They say that first time recovery is a gift
The second time you work for it
And the third 
And the fourth 

I told Mary about the job I applied for 
She thought it was great news
But emphasised that I need a back up plan just in case it doesn't work out
This is good advice I think 
And something I need to be prepared for 
The closing date for applications was yesterday
So they will be going through them today
And hopefully I will hear something tomorrow or Monday
I can't help but be excited about it
But I know not to allow myself to be too hopeful 
We'll see soon enough 

Marry gave me two appointments for next week
Just for a bit of extra support
Which I will gladly accept 
Let's hope this is the start of my turning things around 
Let's hope I can bounce back yet again

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Happily ever after?

Now that I am feeling a bit better
Mentally and physically
My ED may be playing havoc
I am human
My thoughts have once again turned to love
You might recall the date I had last summer
My first and only date in years
It didn't end in happily ever after
But thats ok
It was good experience
And still
I continue to believe that there will be a happy ending for me
Love wise
I'm a big believer in love and romance
Nothing excites me more
Than reading or hearing about a great love story 
I don't believe there is one person out there for us all
I believe there are many that could potentially be our perfect match
And even in my darkest hour 
I always believed I would fall in love at some stage 

I don't really think I've ever been properly in love
My first boyfriend was puppy love 
My next relationship was drug fuelled
Love had nothing to do with it 
Since then I've had a couple of short term relationships 
But no
I don't think I've ever truly been in love
I don't know what that feels Like 
Or looks like 
But I do believe that I will know it when I see it
And I believe it will happen for me
Sooner or later

There is someone 
Someone I've had my eye on
I've seen him a few times in the garage where I get my petrol and car repaired
I know his first name 
As I heard someone calling him one day 
But for now 
I will call him The bearded one
As he has a beard
I'm starting to see that I like a beard in a guy 
As long as it's well kept and neat
I don't know this guy 
Don't know anything about him
I'm just going on basic human attraction
And the feeling I get from him
The last time I bumped in to him
I could sense him looking at me 
So I'm hoping he has checked me out too

This is my dilemma 
I get such a good feeling from this guy 
I like the 'gate' of him as my sister would say 
Meaning you like the look of him
Should I be a modern woman 
Be proactive and ask the guys in the garage for his number?
Take a leap of faith 
And make the first move
Or should I frequent the garage every day in the hopes I run in to him?
Or do I leave my number in the garage for him?
And let him do the work
I don't know you guys
I am so rusty and out of practise with things like this 
But a huge part of me thinks I should just go for it
I mean 
What's the worst thing that could happen?
He could say no
And my ego would be bruised
But at least I would know that I gave it a shot 
And won't be wondering what if, For the rest of my life
The truth is 
That I would love to meet someone
To share a life with 
For company 
Some one to do things with 
Someone to love 
And who loves me
I think it would be great for me
As it can he lonely being 34 and having no one to share things with 
I would love to have another body
Another pulse 
Another heart beat 
So I know I'm not alone 
And I don't have to face life by myself 

I guess because I don't drink
Or frequent pubs or clubs
It's a little harder to meet like minded people 
There is online dating 
And I haven't really given that a fair shot 
So that is something to consider 
But I would love to meet some one the old fashioned way 
Call me a hopeless romantic...

I guess also 
I was ill for so long 
That a relationship wasn't even on my radar 
It isn't even an option when you are too busy trying to kill your self 
And I didnt want to drag any body in to my world of shit
But now 
Even though my ED is in a precarious state 
I think I need to continue to live as normal  a life as possible
And who doesn't love a good love story?

Here's where I need your help 
You are my girls 
My besties 
And I value your opinion greatly 
What do you think I should do?
Take control of the situation
And ask about this guy in the garage?
Wait until I run in to him again?
Let nature take its course?
Or leave well enough alone?
Maybe you have another idea
Something I haven't thought of 
Whatever you think 
I would love to know
How I wish I could invite you all round to mine
And we could chat over hot cups of tea and scones 
And put the world to right 
But really 
Let me know what you think
I'd love to know....

Tuesday, 19 January 2016

ED Update

Things are tough over here in ED central
The purging has well and truly wormed it's way back in to my life
Especially in the evenings
And when I am on my own
In the evenings
My family usually gathers in the living room
I use that opportunity to eat in the kitchen
And purge
When I was first put on Prozac
It really helped with my bingeing
And I managed to reduce my purging to a couple of times a week 
That stayed that way for about a year
But a couple of months ago
My purging gradually started to increase again
I can't answer that 
I really don't know why 
Now I'm back to purging up to ten times a day
Take yesterday for example 
My mum and sister drove my Auntie B to the airport 
And I was alone at home for a few hours 
I started off with soup
And two slices of bread and butter
Then a ham salad 
With lettuce
Spring onion
Potato salad 
And coleslaw 
Then I had noodles 
Tune sandwich 
And the day just continued like that 
Literally walking in circles 
From the kitchen to the bathroom
Over and over again 
Like a women possessed 
It's exhausting 
Utterly soul destroying 
I hate it 
But I can't stop
I'm stuck in this binge/purge cycle
I'm craving certain foods the way I used to crave heroin
I need to stop though
I can't go on like 
I can't live like this 
It's going to kill me 
Sooner or later 

If this job does work out 
I need to get myself together 
I'm going to need energy to do the job
So I need to eat properly 
Giving myself enough energy and nourishment to get through the day
And I need to start practising that straight away 
I'm seeing Mary this week
So I will talk it out with her 
And make a plan for the next few months 
Both food wise 
And occupation wise 
The thought of this job is keeping me going at the moment 
But I need to be prepared for the fact that it might not work out
I need to have a plan B
And I guess that will be volunteering 
Either with animals 
Or the elderly 
I would be happy doing either one
I'm trying to stay positive 
But the truth is 
I am afraid I won't get the job 
I think about what they are looking for 
And I'm pretty sure it's not a former drug addict with various mental health issues
But the thing is 
I know I could do a good job 
I know I could thrive and grow and blossom in this position 
I'm a doer 
I like to be busy 
I like to be around people 
And help people 
This job is all of those things 
It's like it was made especially for me 
I just hope I get to make a case for myself at the interview 
I'm not too bad at interviews 
The manger told me that there would be three interviewers
Which sounds a bit daunting 
But I will give it my best shot 
I can do know more 

Weight wise 
I could do with putting on a few pounds 
My BMI is just over 18
And I don't think it suits me
I look better when my my BMI is a around 20
So I will work on it 

Thank you so much  for all your suppor recently 
It means so much to me that you are all behind me 
And encourages me to realise my hopes and dreams 
I just hope that I can do the same for you too
Thank you!! X

Monday, 18 January 2016

Monday Monday....

As usual 
I was up early this morning to go see my doctor
My sister and I set off for my 9 20am appointment 
And she went for a walk with the dogs 
While I headed in to the surgery
I had my application for the job with me
Which I filled out last night
And went over it as I sat in the waiting room
I needed two references 
So I put my elderly neighbour as one
I needed one more
So I made a call to the pizzeria owner I used to work for
I got his wife 
Who said that was absolutely fine 
It really pays off doing the right thing
And having someone who can give you a reliable character witness
As I rang off 
My doctor called me in 
I followed him in to his room
Where I settled in my usual seat
I had thought about asking him for a reference 
But I don't know if that would be appropriate 
So I decided against it
We talked for a few minutes 
I told him about the job
And he seemed genuinely delighted for me
He said that he hopes to retire there when he's older 
Gosh wouldn't the tables turn if that was the case
He wished me good luck
And to me that I am too talented to be sitting around doing nothing 
I thought that was a nice thing to say 
I collected my script 
And headed for the pharmacy

After handing in my script to the pharmacist 
I decided to head over to where the job is
And hand in my application
It was busier today
I walked to the kitchen 
Where the staff usually are
I knocked on the door
Someone answered and said they would introduce me to the manager 
I spoke to her for a few minutes
She was really lovely 
She told me that there were loads of applications 
My heart sank a bit when she said that 
She said they would go through all the applications this week
And that they wouldn't be calling everyone for interview 
But the would let me know one way or another next week
I thanked her
And headed back to the pharmacy 

You know me 
I get very excited about things
And this job is something I would love
But now I'm thinking I probably my shouldn't get my hopes up
As so many have applied
The manager dos ask me if I was available for an interview
And if I could start straight away 
Does that mean I'm going to be called?
Or did she ask everyone that?
I just dont know 
I guess now it's a waiting game
And we all know how I'm not very good at waiting 
I have no other choice
At least I know that I did my best
And gave it a good shot
I could do no more
This is the first job I've applied for in years 
So if nothing else 
It's been good experience
But you guys 
I just can't help getting my hopes up
I just have this really good feeling about this place
And this job 
It's some thing I could really sink my teeth in to 
And I can't lie
I will be bitterly disappointment if it doesn't work out

In other news
I am feeling a lot better the last few days 
I feel almost back to myself 
And my mood has picked up too
My weight has stayed the same for the past two weeks 
With no losses to report 
So that is good 
Although if I were to get this job
I need to gain a bit 
Or at the very least maintain where I am at 
It's all motivation to get well
And stay well
I guess I need to have a back up if this job doesn't work out 
Whether that be another job
A course 
Volunteer work 
I think I will wait to hear from them
And go from there
Whatever happens 
It's a learning experience 
And I can use that in the next job I apply for 
So please think of me
And wish me luck 
It looks like I'm going to need it....

Sunday, 17 January 2016

Outfit for today

We have a full house this weekend 
My Auntie B and my two uncles on my mothers side are here 
We are all going out for lunch today
So I thought I would share my outfit for the day
I bought a pair of dungarees on line a while ago
And really wasn't sure if they would suit
But after trying them on
I have to say 
I really like them 
They are super comfy 
Perfect for a Sunday family lunch
Here they are....

Saturday, 16 January 2016

And then she stopped giving a s**t....

Hello friends 
Country men
Hello also to my haters 
Who even though have a huge problem with me
Still take the time to read and comment 
And generally put a lot of time and effort in to trying to upset me 
Funny that....

You might have noticed 
That I didn't post yesterday
Unusual for me
But I just had to take 24 hours away from blogger 
After the nastiness that ensued on Thursday
I swear it makes no sense 
Usually anonymous writers 
Have a go at me
And when I defend myself 
I'm accused of not being able to deal with constructive criticism 
I just can't win 
No matter what I do 
And I know, I know
I shouldn't feed the trolls
I just couldn't help myself though 
My defenses go straight up
And it's hard not to react
I know I'm making light of it here now
But I really felt attacked 
Not just me 
But my life 
My actions 
My lack of action
My family 
I really thought hard about how much I am putting out there
And was almost at the point where I wanted to stop writing 
As with a lot of things 
Time passes
And things settle down
They always do
For every negative commenter 
There are 100 positive ones 
Just like the emails I got this morning
They override any bit of nastiness

In other business
I have some really exciting news to share with you 
I was in my local shop the other day
I always read the notice board there
Things for sale 
When something caught my eye
A charity called St. Vincent de Paul had some jobs available 
I read through the notice 
A part time position
18 -24 hours per week
Working in their assisted living accommodation
It's like a nursing home 
Except the residents are quite well
And can mange mostly on their own with a little help from staff
The duties involve companionship of the residents 
Light house work
And catering duties
The minute I read it through I got excited 
It's exactly what I want 
Part time 
No pressure 
No stress
I took a photo copy of the notice
And headed home

The minute I got home
I went to a quiet room
And phoned the number
I got through to a very pleasant lady 
Who told me all about the job
The closing date for application is next Wednesday 
So she said I could pop in today to get an application form
Which I did this morning 
The house itself is lovely and calm
With classical music playing
And a lovely serene feeling 
I spoke to one of the girls working there 
Collected my application
And went on my way

I looked over the application just now
It's very straight forward 
And I think with some help
I can make a good case for myself 
I have a variety of work experience 
From dance teacher to bank worker 
I also have experience working with the elderly 
As I helped a lot with my grandad when he was alive
I also help my elderly neighbour 
I walk her dog 
Do shopping and errands for her
And help her with day to day things during the week 
So I'm hoping I have a good shot at this job 
I just feel excited when I think about it
To be part of the working world 
To have an occupation
And one that really helps people
The work is evenings 
So it wouldn't effect my daily routine with Honey and Lea 
It seems like it would fit so well in to my life 
God I hope I'm not getting my hopes up too much 

My sister is great 
She's helping me sell myself 
And really put my best foot forward 
She says that I can say I am a free lance writer at the moment
And I guess I can say that 
As I have been published a few times recently 
Play to your strengths and all that 
It's also motivation to stay well and healthy 
God knows I won't be able to hold down a job if I am underweight and ill

So you guys 
I'm really going to go for it 
And give it my best shot 
I just have a feeling that this is meant for me 
You know?
Wish me luck 
And as ever 
I will keep you posted.....