Saturday, 23 January 2016

Night out!

As you may know
I don't tend to venture out at night
I don't frequent pubs and clubs
The only reason I would be out after dark would be to go to the theatre or cinema
Now that it is winter
I am usually in my pyjamas by 6pm
But last night 
Eight of my family went out for dinner
You might remember a few months ago
We got the news that my brother was offered a two book deal with Picador
We didn't see him or his partner over Christmas 
So they came here yesterday for the weekend
And we all went out last night for dinner

We booked the meal in a lovely little restaurant in the next village
To be honest 
I don't particularly like going out for dinner
It's not my first choice of fun things to do 
Because for me
Being  bulimic 
It's just a total waste of money
But anyway 
Back to last night 
We all dressed up a little 
I wore a denim pinafore dress 
With a stripe the top
And grey tights 
I also wore a pair of heels which I rarely do
We set off at about 7 30pm
To sit down for dinner at 8 pm
The restaurant itself was lovely 
But perfectly formed 
Nice music 
And friendly staff
We settled at our table for eight
And began to look over the menus 
It was decided that we would have three courses 
Which sounded like a marathon to me
But I decided to do my best 
I ordered the asparagus and courgette soup for starter
The quail with champ and wild mushrooms for mains 
And the ice cream and a cup of tea for dessert

An amuse bouche was served
A tiny shot of soup in a delicate little cup
It was delicious 
And did the trick to whet our appetite 
The came the starter which was lovely 
Followed by the main
I was just finishing my quail
When my mother called me 
I followed her gaze 
And found myself looking at my doctor 
I don't know why 
But I felt a little bit uncomfortable 
It's not the first time I've met him out and about 
And of course it's a small community
Do I am bound to run in to him somewhere 
He was just finishing his meal
And waved as he went up to pay
I de used to take the opportunity to go to the bathroom
When I came back 
He was still there
Then as he was leaving 
He tipped me on the shoulder and said goodbye 
I though that was really nice of him
And just goes to show what a decent person he is 

I relaxed a little after he left
But I wasn't myself anyway 
I was a bit quiet and withdrawn
But I did my best to stay in good form 
We were celebrating after all
And we don't often have good news like this
After dessert 
We all had teas and coffee
And started to get ready to leave
It was an expensive night out 
But again
We don't do it very often 
At me point in the night
I got a bit paranoid 
And thought my sister and my nephew were laughing at me 
They always mess when they get together 
But for some reason 
Probably because I was feeling a bit low
I thought they were making fun of me
By the end of the night 
I was fighting back tears 
And as soon as we got home I went straight to bed 
And had a proper cry
My sister came down to me
And I told her why I was upset
She said there was no way they were laughing at me
I believe her
But I still felt really tearful 
woke up feeling a lot better
I guess this is another side of my illness
And thinking people are making fun of me 
Or laughing at me 
It's a horrible feeling 
To think that people would deliberately make me feel excluded like that 
I guess I am hyper sensitive 
And sometimes my feelings are warranted 
Sometimes not
But it's an amazing how a good nights sleep can make you feel better 
And able to see things clearly 

My Dad was down for the meal too
We went out this morning with the dogs 
And he gave me a rather stern talking to
He noticed my weight loss 
He would as he only sees me every few weeks 
He expressed concern 
And pleaded with me not to lose anymore weight 
He said he couldn't face seeing me like a 'bag of bones' like I was before  
I hate worrying my family 
And I guess it's down to me not to mAke them worried 
Deep in my ED brain
My illness got a sick kick out of knowing that I've lost weight 
How twisted is that 
It makes me feel so guilty that I feel that way 
But I feel I have to be honest 
I hold on to my ED behaviours
Because they serve a purpose
It was the same with drugs or smoking 
At first 
There is a payoff for the behaviours 
With drugs it's the rush
The escape 
With smoking it's the calming and relaxing effect
But there comes a point 
When the negative consequences begin to our weight the positive
With my ED 
It's a stress reliever 
Anxiety reliever 
It's also an escape 
And boiling things down to weight 
Gives me something to focus on other than my issues
I quit drugs
Gave up smoking 
Now food is my only vice 
And it's proving the trickiest to deal with

I have homework from Mary this week
And one of those items is to go to a meeting 
I've decided to go to the Tuesday lunch time meeting 
I also have to not purge as much as possible 
Eat three meals and two snacks 
I can't lie 
It's a lot to ask 
And I feel a bit overwhelmed 
As ever 
It's one step at a time 


  1. I'm really sorry it is such a struggle, Ruby. But well done for trying so hard, and staying honest - with yourself, and with others.
    I can empathise with paranoia, but I have got to a stage where I recognise that however real those impressions are to me, usually actually they are not what the other person really thinks, and even if they were, the other person might well be wrong to think whatever it is. I've learnt to see those sorts of feelings as my imagination dressing up my own fears and self-hatred in the voice of someone dear to me, and I fight the fears that thus disguised, until I can get a chance to speak with the person and have reassurance that it was just paranoia. I don't know if that helps or not. Much love. Take care of yourself. It will get better if you fight the demons and let go of the behaviours.

    1. This does help
      Thank you
      It's scary the way your mind can play tricks
      I felt so self conscious last night
      And literally cried for an hour when I got home
      You are right though
      Asking for reassurance can help
      I jumped to conclusions and I was way off the truth
      This morning I felt so much better though
      It's a wonder what a good nights sleep can do
      I woke up feeling a bit silly for thinking my sister and nephew would be so mean
      They wouldn't do that to me

      Thank you for your kind words
      They are much appreciated x

  2. May I ask you a question: who exactly is Mary? I have been reading your blog for a while but my memory is terrible. If this question is inappropriate or too personal I apologise sincerely. Good luck with the homework!

    And many Greetings form snowy Switzerland ^.^

  3. Of course you can ask
    I should have explained for newer readers
    Mary is the eating disorder specialist that I've been seeing for the past few years
    She has helped me so much since I started seeing her
    And was instrumental in my recover last year
    Let me know if you have any more questions

    Greeting from a rainy Ireland x

  4. I understand the paranoia. Most of the time, I'm convinced that everyone hates me and they only put up with me out of pity and everyone just wishes I would go away. :/ It's a tough thing to fight.

    Hope you make it to your meeting. xo

    1. That's it Mich
      I don't like myself very much
      So it's hard to believe anyone else does

      You are adorable
      And am glad to call you a friend x

  5. '…& everyone just wishes I would go away. :/ '

    0, Preach to the Choir, Mich-!
    I feel that way about my closest friends!! : (

    Rubly, keep hanging in there, & 'good on ya' for actually telling Sissy what was wrong rather than burying it-!! ; ) Also a gd cry eases thgs, non-?! & sleep mks ALL the difference <3
    Hoping you continue moving forward in your Recovery--will Pray you make the Mtg.
    →Remember, the anxiety leading up to events close-to-Never actually pans out IRL; you'll feel so better once you've gone-!!←

    <3 + ((Huggles)); Jils
    PS: I re-sent that maile the same day you'd requested in 'replies'; did you again not receive it-?

    1. Thanks Jils
      You are kind
      With such a good heart
      I bet there's not a bad bone in your body

      No I didn't get your email
      But I just emailed you
      Not sure why your mails are not coming through.....x


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