Monday, 25 January 2016

Monday 25 January

The weekend was pretty busy
My brother and his partner were here for a couple of nights 
I love having them here
But I was also glad for things to go back to normal yesterday
It felt like Christmas was a month long this year 
As we had so many visitors
I love when there are people in the house 
But I also feel a bit of relief when they leave 
And I can get back to my usual routine 
My ED tends to get out of hand when there are people here 
And I try to eat in secret 
Which is not really doable when there is a house full of people
When my brother and his partner left
I found myself in the middle of a non stop eat purge cycle 
I literally couldn't stop 
And a big part of me wasn't aware I was doing it
At about 8pm last night 
I was in the kitchen 
Making pasta 
My mother came in 
She said 'Ruby, are you aware you've been eating and purging all day? I'm really worried about you, you're spinning out of control!'
Just then 
My sister came in to the room
And backed up what my mother was saying
I was mortified 
So embarrassed 
I just wanted to run away
My mother kept saying that I was going to kill myself 
And this had to stop
must admit though 
I hadn't fully realised it was this bad 
I mean of course I know I am purging a lot 
But I never thought it was noticeable to others
Which is silly really
Because of course they notice 
They live with me 
They see me going around in circles from the kitchen to the bathroom
One thing is for sure 
This has to stop 
Before I lose  my mind and my sanity
Before something really bad happens 

I saw my doctor this morning 
He asked me if I enjoyed the meal out on Froday night 
And asked me if I find it difficult going out to eat  
I do 
I told him that going out for dinner is not my first choice of things to do for fun
My doctor sat back in his chair
As he does when he's up for a chat
He asked me about purging 
And how much I ate 
I told him I had three courses 
Which for me was way too much to stomach
And that I purged in between each one
He made the point that I could just have one course
And try and keep that down 
I mean yes
That makes perfect sense
But the thing is 
I want to eat the food 
But my eyes are bigger than my belly 
And I always end up feeling really full and uncomfortable 
I told my doctor that I am seeing my psychiatrist again next week 
And he had spoken about increasing the Prozac 
My doctor said we could look at that 
Last week he talked about reducing the methadone today
But because things are a bit all over the place 
We put that off for a couple of weeks
I was glad of that 

Seriously though
I need to get back on track 
I can't go on like this 
It's a living hell 
I feel so out of control 
And something has got to give 
My body will only tolerate so much abuse
Before it starts to break down
And I get really ill 
And I hate that I am worrying my family 
I hate that they are suffering along with me
So today 
I am making a big effort 
Breakfast is fine 
I eat tea and toast at the table every morning 
This is a relatively new thing for me
But recently I have got in to the routine of doing it
And now it has become my new normal
I don't usually eat lunch 
I tend to graze through out the day
Then in the evening I have dinner with my mum and sister 
But always purge 
At night I could eat and purge up to five times
The thing is 
I'm not sure I can do this
People always say to me 
You gave up smoking 
You quit drugs 
Of course you can do this 
But I'm not so sure 
Food is proving to be the most difficult addiction to crack
But I have to 
If I want any semblance of a normal life

I can't quite put my finger on when this relapse started 
I know I started losing weight mid November 
And lost it very quickly
But even before that 
My mood had dipped markedly 
In Turkey I wasn't in great form 
And I've had some really bad days since then 
I've been feeling lower than usual
Feeling like something awful is going to happen 
Like an impending sense of doom
I've also been feeling hopeless
Like I am a lost cause 
And I must admit 
It has been tempting to just disappear
But that is a permanent answer to a temporary problem 
I feel hyper sensitive too 
Hyper aware 
Sonetimes my feelings are right
But more often than not 
I am picking up things that are not actually there 
Which leads to a touch of paranoia
And that is a nightmare in itself 

The truth is though 
I have a lot to live for 
My family 
My dogs 
The prospect of getting a job I would love 
The possibility of meeting a nice guy 
All the wonderful experiences that I will have if I just hang in there 
Really my self esteem needs a good injection of self belief and confidence 
I'm trying to build myself up
And start to like myself 
And believe in myself 
But I have a tendency to put myself down 
And beat myself up
It's hard to have any confidence 
It's hard to believe that I am enough just the way I am 
This is why I think the job would be great for me 
I could really thrive and blossom given the opportunity 
And it would do wonders for my confidence 
Speaking of the job 
I am hoping to hear from them today or tomorrow 
The waiting is killing me 
And I sincerely hope it's good news
But whatever happens 
I know I did my best 
And gave it a good shot
That's all I could do  
And if it doesn't work out 
There will be something else 
Something perfect for me

I hate the fact that so much of my blog recently has been about my ED behaviours
I truly hope that I am not triggering anyone 
I do want tngive an honest account of my life and my recovery 
But I also don't want this to become a habit 
I am going to do my best to get back on track 
I had got a point where my ED was secondary in my life 
It didnt infringe on my life anymore 
But now 
It's taking it over again
And I hate that 
I just need to slowly change my behaviours 
My way of doing things 
I have to do it
What is the alternative.....?


  1. Concerned about you, Ruby.... I trust the doctor, Mary, etc have a full picture of what's going on and how extreme it is?
    Sending love.

  2. Like you said - you HAVE to quit this one too. Your body will quit sooner rather than later if this keeps up.

    You are having a bad bout of depressions. Are you purging your prozac before it has a chance to get into your system? If you are, maybe you could change the time of day that you take it, so at least that stays down. If not, then maybe an increase is something to try. I had the exact same symptoms as you--feeling like something awful is going to happen, a sense of impending doom, hopelessness. The zoloft saved my life.

    I wish I had better advice on the purging. I can't purge (remember my comment on the party trick post...?), so I never had to struggle with stopping. I used to purge by over-exercise, but destroying one of my Achilles tendons sort of forced me to stop. Now I couldn't run down the street if I tried.

    Sending healing prayers your way. <3

    1. Thank you Mich
      I don't have many words today
      But your words are a great comfort x

  3. I'm sorry it's bad right now. But i believe you will change, one way or another!

    You can quit bulimia cold turkey, like smoking. One thing though you have to know and prepare for is that you will gain. But you have to not care, even in your darkest hour. You needs a prayer and a mantra you can repeat over and over. It's not for the faint hearted. But honestly i have two friends who quite purging and they haven't gone back. They couldn't make themselves do it anymore bevause it is such an act of self hatred.

    I wish this for you.

    Love and prayers,


    1. Thank you Shelby
      It's good to know others have over come this
      I'm not giving up though
      I will fight until the bitter end x

  4. I can totally relate to the non-stop eating-and-purging cycle. Once I fall into the cycle, it is ever so difficult to regain the courage to get out of it and get back to regular eating. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so badly right now. But since you are aware that what you are doing is dangerous, and that you need to stop, that's already a start, right? Nothing is permanent, so all of this will also pass...
    Please stay strong and look after yourself.


Thank you for leaving some love x