Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Tuesday 26 January

 I saw Mary first thing this morning
We had a good chat
I told her about the eating and purging spinning out of control
Calm as ever
She asked me about my meals
And what I am eating of a day
Breakfast is fine
I have tea and toast 
And sit at the kitchen table
I have no problem doing this
And even though it's only a relatively recent thing 
It has become my new normal 
Lunch and dinner are more of a problem
As I tend to graze throughout the day
Rather than eating fixed meals
Dinner I eat at the table too
But it rarely stays down 
And then I'm back to square one again
I really need to do a proper meal plan
Know what I'm having to eat that day
Have the correct ingredients ready to go
And then do something afterwards
To distract myself from purging
This is all great in theory 
But in practise 
Well let's just say it's not easy
Mary said she believes in me
That I can do this 
And her belief makes me believe 

Mary also told me about something exciting
One of the other social workers asked Mary if she knew anyone who was interested in working with animals 
Specifically horses
It turns out 
That a former social worker who now runs a stables
Is looking for people with mental health issues to volunteer there 
I was super excited to hear this 
It's right up my street 
So Mary is going to get the woman's number 
And I can contact her myself 
You guys 
This sounds perfect for me
And if the job doesn't work out
I can see myself doing this
Horses are a lot like dogs I think 
Very in tune with people
And have the ability to heal 
Since Mary told me about it
I can't stop thinking about how I would just love to do this
It has my name written on it!
Fingers crossed this works out

And of course 
If I am going to be working 
Whether in the job or with animals 
I need to keep my strength up
Eat properly
And look after myself 
I mean
I am no good to anyone if I am weak from lack of food
It will also give my day structure and routine
As well as contributing to help my self esteem and confidence
I just really hope that one f these opportunities works out
I would be glad of either
Or even both 
I think volunteering 
Or working 
Will also provide me with a feel good factor
One job is helping the elderly 
The other is helping animals 
Just to know that I am helping others will be a huge boost
I just can't wait to get started!
But at the same time
I don't want to get my hopes up too high
Just in case they don't turn out
And that's why I need a plan C and a plan D
So I have something to fall back on
And have all bases covered 

In other news 
I'm managing to hold steady with my weight
And haven't had any noticeable drops in the last couple of weeks
It always in my face where the weight loss is most noticeable 
You would think it would come off my ass or my thighs 
But no
It's always the face
And I end up looking like a gaunt little old lady
I spoke with Mary this morning
And the aim is to gain half a kilo a week
Which is doable I think
My target weight in hospital was 54kg
And that seems to be the weight that is my set point 
And where I feel most comfortable 
I know the weight I am at now is not normal for a 34 year old woman 
And when I had a bit more weight on me
I was actually beginning to like it
But really and truly 
It's not about weight at all
It's just a symptom of a greater problem
It's a side effect of the illness
And I know I don't look well 
My cheeks are sunken 
Dark circles under my eyes 
And a pale pallor 
There is nothing pretty about that 
There is nothing romantic or glamorous about purging ten times a day
This life is nothing to aspire to
It's a dead end 
And once you fall down the rabbit hole
It is nigh on impossible to get out 

In saying all this 
I still feel positive 
And hopeful
I am lucky
I have my family and Mary
People who believe in me until I can believe in myself 
Because if it wasn't for them
I would have fallen apart long ago
I don't know what I have done to deserve such amazing people in my life 
I don't take them for granted 
And every day 
I thank God and my lucky stars to have them in my life 
When someone holds your hands so tightly 
Looks you dead in the eyes
And tells you with such conviction
That you will be ok
It's hard to argue with that 
So today
I say the very same thing to you
Instead of holding you 
And speaking to you
I type these words 
With all the strength and conviction I can muster 
That you 
Yes you
You will be alright 
You will get through this 
And you will come out the other side stronger than ever 
This I promise you
So please 
I ask you 
To keep holding on 
Keep hanging in there 
Keep putting one foot in front of the other
And keep going 
I will if you will 
Pinkie promise.....?


  1. Like your other readers, I love you, Ruby, and I share Mary's belief in you.
    I so want to see you flourishing.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words
      They mean a lot x

  2. I adore horses and I think they're great for therapy too. I started in riding for the disabled when I was young and have volunteered at various establishments on and off for years in exchange for free riding lessons. I also used to volunteer at a riding for the disabled facility and assist with the horses and the kids in lessons.
    I'm Starting again soon and looking forward to it.
    I hope the opportunities work out for you as they will provide a sense of stability to your daily routine. I believe that you can do this and I'd also like to see you flourish in something that you really enjoy.
    I wish you the best.
    Anne Xx

    1. That sounds amazing Anne
      It's something I would so love to do
      So hopefully this works out x

  3. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO jealous, I'd love to be working with horses again. Happy for you! :)

    A reason to get out of the house and keep busy will definitely help recovery-wise. Being stuck home with nothing to do is like gasoline on the fire of the ED and depression, at least for me.

    Go out and buy yourself a musical instrument and try to learn it. The rest of the household may hate you (mine do), but it's a wonderful distraction, and you learn something at the same time.


    1. Just got word that I have my interview on Thursday Mich
      I'm so excited and nervous and anxious
      As I type I am discussing possible questions with my family
      I'm really gonna give it my best shot x

  4. Fingers toes and eyes crossed for either or both those opportunities. Xx


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