Saturday, 1 August 2015

Hangin' with Honey and Lea

I feel like I haven't posted any photos of Lea and Honey in recent times
This year they both turned ten
But you really wouldn't think it
They are both still a bundle of energy and fun
They continue to be a source of great joy in my life 
We are closer than close 
Last week they went to the doggy hairdresser
And got brand spanking new haircuts 
So now they look super cute and fresh and clean
Here are some photos of us this morning 

Friday, 31 July 2015

New blogs?

As you know 
I love to read
Whether it is a book
A blog
A newspaper 
I love being a part of blogger
To follow the stories of the wonderful ladies here
I don't really use any other social media
I'm not in to Facebook
I don't have Twitter or Instagram
For me
My blog is where I document my life
My thoughts 
My ups and downs
Every little thing that happens in my life is carefully recorded
My memory is not the best these days 
So when I read back in my blog
It's like it all happened to someone else

I follow quite a lot of blogs
And I'm always on the look out for new blogs 
So I'm wondering what are your top 3 blogs?
Have you found any new blogs recently that you would like to share?
Maybe you have just started writing 
And would like to put your blog out there for more people to read?
I always love to find a new and exciting blogs to read 
And I must stress 
The blogs you share don't necessarily have to be about EDs or addiction
They could be about absolutely anything 
As it is more the way it's written that concerns me 
Your blog could be about train spotting 
But if it is written well
Then I will read it 

This is an invite for you to get in touch with your blog 
Or to share someone else's 
A blog you think is funny
Or poignant
Or moving 
Or interesting 
Or so ridiculous that it makes no sense
I want to hear about them all
So do get in touch
I'll look forward to hearing from you....

Thursday, 30 July 2015

Something wicked this way comes.....

For a while there 
My ED was in the background 
It had never fully gone away
But it wasn't the main focus of my life
And it had gone somewhat underground 
I guess because now that I am a healthy weight
People who know no better presume that I am recovered
All better 
When the truth is that I am still struggling 
People are just relieved that I am not underweight anymore
And I am too
The thing is 
I don't want to be super skinny anymore 
I don't want to be sick
And I don't want to die anymore 
I really don't
I want to live 
For the first time in a long time 
I actually want to live 
And more than be thin
I just want to feel ok in my skin

My eating is still very disorderd 
I don't eat regular meals and snacks 
I graze through out the day
And if I do eat a meal 
It doesn't stay down
I don't binge and purge the way I used to 
It used to be constant
From the minute I woke up 
Until I fell in to bed that night wrecked emotionally and physically
I was purging up to 20 times a day 
Every day I promised would be the last 
But then I would get up the next morning
And the whole horrid cycle would start again
It was relentless 
A living hell
But just as quickly as it started 
It stopped 
Just like that 
Not completely of course
I still purge
But no where near as much as I used to

It was around the time that my meds were tweaked 
In combination with my being utterly sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
It was also around the time I took a 'half hearted' over dose 
I just couldn't go on that way anymore
It was killing me
Killing me slowly 
It came down to a simple choice
It was either recover 
Or die 

The past couple of weeks have been tough 
And my resilience has been pushed to breaking point 
It's funny how when things go belly up
We go back to the things that comfort us
That quell the anxiety 
And ease the pain 
My mental and physical health have suffered recently
I have been to a meeting in two weeks 
My ED has been back in the driving seat
And I'm constantly looking for ways to escape
I feel hurt and used 
And I feel let down by people who should know better
But that's life I guess
There are bad people out there 
I've just had the misfortune of meeting more than my fair share of them 

I was Googling something this morning
And a weight calculator popped up
It was one where you enter your gender
Your age 
and your height 
And it tells you the healthy weight range for you
Being 5'4
It told me that my ideal weight range is 116 pounds to 145 pounds
I'm in the lower range of this range
And I was glad about that 
But I have to say 
That the number doesn't mean as much as it used to
I used to have a visceral reaction to seeing the number
But now 
I feel very little 
As long as my clothes fit me 
And I feel ok 
I am good 
But there are some behaviours that are so ingrained 
I don't know if they will ever change 

There is still the question of whether I am starting my course in September
I think I wrote about the fact that my disability benefit will most likely be cut when I start the course
But Mary found out that if I got a letter from my doctor and my consultant  stating that the course would be of therapeutic value 
Then hopefully they wouldn't cut it
So I have the letters 
And I have accepted my place on the course 
I just don't know if I'm ready
I mean 
In a lot of ways it would be good for me
Getting out 
Getting an education
Meeting new people 
But another part
The part that is afraid and full of anxiety 
Wants to stay home 
Watch tv
And drift in and out of sleep 
Because even though I am loathe to admit it
That's what I'm doing at the moment 

I don't know guys
I know I can't go on like this forever 
And it's no way to live 
But it's comfortable 
It keeps me nicely numb 
I don't have to worry about anything 
And the truth is 
That everything is easier when I am slightly out of it 
More bearable 
And there are none of the negative effects of using illegal drugs
I don't have to worry about money 
Or where I'm going to stay 
Or how I'm going to get the drug
It's all written down on a script
That is given to a pharmacist 
And then handed to me over a counter
I don't even have to pay for it

And I must stress 
That this is the case 
Even when I don't misuse my meds
When I take them as prescribed
I am still on the nod 
Still sedated 
And sleepy 
And God forgive me for enjoying that 

It's down to me how things go from here
I can either lie down and let my ED and my addiction kill me
Or I can stand up and fight
I'm just so very tired of fighting 
So tired of having to pick myself up 
Again and again 
But I will
It's not my style to give up 
So I won't 
And that's a promise 

Wednesday, 29 July 2015


Just a quick post today
I've been up since the early hours with s funny tummy
Think I might have a bug
So back to bed for me 
And plenty of fluids
Hopefully normal service will resume tomorrow

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

The aftermath

I I'm trying to move on after the whole date debacle 
And also my 'friend'
I'm wondering what is wrong with me
Why people think it's ok to treat me this way
I can't decide what to do about my friend
She texted this morning
Asking me to call in to her 
I haven't replied yet 
It's like sometimes she the nicest person 
And then other times she is just down right rude
I know she wants to be friends with me
But as we've got closer
I see another side to her
One that I don't like

My food has suffered through all of this
I've been so anxious and on edge the last couple of weeks
That eating properly has been last on my list 
When I'm anxious
I literally can't eat
It's been noticed by family members 
My weight too
I don't know if I've lost 
As I have no battery for my scale
And keep forgetting to get one
But my clothes feel a little looser
God forgive me for enjoying that

This would be the perfect excuse to jump head first back in to my ED or addiction
To hit that big self destruct button that has been gathering dust the last few months
I'm not going to lie to you
I over used my meds today
Just to check off the planet for a while
To escape the noise in my head 
And for the sweet release of sleep 

Tomorrow I will get back on track
Tomorrow I will go to a meeting
Tomorrow I will take my meds correctly 
Tomorrow I will meet my friend from treatment
Tomorrow I will start eating properly 
Tomorrow I will start as I mean to go on
Today I just need a day off 
To escape 
To lick my wounds 
And wait for time to heal
I'm not ok
But I will be

Monday, 27 July 2015

Let down again.....

It's three days later after the whole date debacle
And I'm happy to report that I am well and truly on the mend 
I have built a nice big bridge
And am slowly but surely getting over it
Saturday I was quite distraught
But I can't tell you how glad I am that I stuck to my guns and didn't go along with his 'horny teenager' antics
Oh the relief is just immense 
I just have to keep telling myself 
This was only practise for the real thing
Which I'm sure will happen
All in good time

Through this whole thing
You my little blogger family have been there every step of the way
As well as my Mum and my sister
I couldn't have got through this without you all
And I am so grateful for that 
My 'best friend' has been no where to be seen
Even though she knew I was going on a date

She texted me Saturday
Wanting to know why she hadn't heard from me
I told her about the date 
She seemed more interested in her own stuff
It was then I got the call from The Plumber
So I texted my friend what he had said
I was starting to get really upset
So I decided to ring said friend
No answer
A few minutes later I got a text from her saying that she was hoovering and couldn't answer
What the......?
She texted me yesterday
Didn't mention the date 
I texted her that I wasn't feeling well
'What's that all about?' She texted back
I don't know guys 
Am I being overly sensitive?
I don't think so 
I spoke to my Mum about it
She said that if I want to be friends with this girl 
I have to accept that she is the way she is
I'm just not entirely sure I want a friend like this

I'm starting to think that I might be a push over
A door mat 
A people pleaser
Maybe I need to toughen up
Stand up for myself 
Because it seems to be a pattern now that people are walking all over me
And I don't like it 

To be honest
I am more hurt by my friend
The Plumber was just a random guy
Chancing his arm
My friend is a different story 
She should know better
She should know a lot better
I remember reading somewhere once 
That people treat you the way you let them
And I think I've been letting people treat me like shit
This has to stop
And I must stop it

Instead of worrying about people who are not worth worrying about 
I'm going to throw myself head first in to my recovery
I'm going to bang in the meetings
Focus on myself 
And getting stronger
Stick with the winners as they say
It's tough
But I guess we have to be picky about who we choose to have in our lives 
Who we spend time with
Who we tell our secrets to
Who we listen to
Who we confide in 
Because people are human 
They are not infallible 
We make mistakes
We hurt others 
And we get hurt
But I think there comes a point where you have to draw a line and start looking after ourselves
Protect ourselves from these kind of people
I guess it's down to me to decide who I allow in to my life
But I don't live in a big city 
Where I can avoid people if I want to
And make new friends easily
I live in a small town 
Where I am bound to run in to these people at some point
But hey 
I will cross that bridge when I come to it

I also forgot to tell you
When I was in Belfast
My friend texted me and asked me why I wasn't texting her back 
I told her why
She turned the whole thing back on me
And said I had stood her up many times
And that she was always there for me
We were texting back and forth 
I could tell she was pissed 
But I actually ended up apologising to her
How f**ked up is that?

I'm not looking for a whole lot of friends
I don't care how many Facebook friends I have
I just want a couple of people who I can trust and rely on
In actual fact 
I do have that
I have my friend from treatment who is a true friend
And my other friend Paul 
Who I've known since I moved here
They are both a lot older than me
I think I tend to get on better with older people 
So at least I know that 

For now 
I will tend to my wounds 
And let myself heal
As they say
Once bitten 
Twice shy
And I've been bitten more than one person should 

Sunday, 26 July 2015

Over before it even started

So yesterday was tough
During the day 
I took some time to recover from the stress of the whole date situation 
I called over to my neighbour
I thought she would be interested to hear about the date 
Seeing as she had a hand in getting us together
Her reaction was very strange
At first when I told her 
She seemed really confused
Like she didn't know what to say
Then she asked me if I was sure he didn't have a girlfriend hidden away somewhere
And quickly changed the subject
I left
Feeling like something felt fishy about the whole situation

Then last night he rang 
I missed the call
And rang him back about 40 minutes later
Straight off he said that he'd had a nice time the night before 
But didn't want to take things further
I didn't know what to say
So I said I felt the same way too
And that it would probably be best if we stayed friends
I got off the phone
Feeling a little  shell shocked
The first thing I thought was thank God I didn't go along with him the night before
Thank God I stuck to my guns and out a stop to it
As I am now thinking that he was only after one thing
And that he possibly still has a girlfriend 

Even though I wasn't sure if I liked him or not
I still felt hurt and rejected 
I had told everyone that the date went well
And I just felt so stupid and used
Of course it's his perogative whether he likes me or not
But the reaction of my neighbour
And him pouncing on me
It just doesn't add up

I won't lie
I almost fell apart last night
I shed a few tears 
Spoke to my mother and my sister 
The general consensus was that he wasn't worth my tears
But I still felt stung
I mean
I can't stress how much of a big deal it was for me to go on this date
I was so anxious that I hadn't eaten for two and a half days
The whole thing has just left a bad taste in my mouth

I went to bed early last night
And wine in the early hours with trapped wind 
I was so uncomfortable 
I kept having to go to the bathroom
It finally disapated this morning 
Over all I feel better this morning 
Last night I felt like such a failure
Such a freak
That no one could like or love me
I went from zero to suicidal very quickly 
I also craved drugs like nobodies business 
Anything just to get away from these horrible feelings

So that's it
It's over before it even started
It's left me feeling confused and rejecrted 
And pretty sure that he still has a girlfriend 
I'm just sorry that he picked me to use 
As I really don't have the emotional strength for this kind of thing
This morning I feel a little better
Determined to pick myself up and move on
I've decided to throw myself in to my recovery 
And improving myself 
So that the next time this happens 
I will be in a better position to deal with it

My first date hasn't been a great experience
But then he didn't know that 
As ever
I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going 
It's just hard to stay positive all the time
It's hard to stay together
But I will 
What other choice do I have?