Saturday, 21 January 2017

Photos


  

   
 

       H

Facebook

I got a few photos posted on my last post
But it won't seem to let me post the most recent Ines
If you want to add me on Facebook
Email me or leave a comment
All the photos of Coco and the last month are there....

Pictures at last!!!









Thursday, 19 January 2017

Coco meets Lea...

My goodness
It's only the early afternoon
And it's already been an eventful day!
Lea had an appointment with the vet first thing this morning 
It was pretty good news 
Lea isn't in pain
And the meds seem to be working 
She recommended a food supplement 
And possible pet physiotherapist 
But I know swimming is good for it to
So I'd rather do that with Lea
The vet did say that Lea losing some weight would help joints 
It's always a blow to hear that 
As I don't want to be the reason my dog is struggling 
I don't think Lea gets fed a massive amount 
But when she is getting treats and tidbits from so many people 
It all adds up I guess
So we just need to keep an eye on her 
And be mindful with food
She is a trooper though 
She's a good girl 

After a quick cuppa at home 
Myself, Mam and Lea headed off to meet Coco and his owner 
Honey elected to stay in her bed
The drive over takes about 20 minutes 
Cocos owner lives at the  edge of a lake 
And on a bright day like today 
It was just glorious 
We drove up the lane 
And found Coco, his owner and Ruby the three legged dog waiting for us 
We changed in to our wellies 
Which are a must 
Thanks wasn't sure how Lea was going to behave around Coco and Ruby
Ruby was so full of beans 
And Coco seemed to be delighted to have so many visitors and playmates 
We headed in to the field 
Cocos owner has a bucket of feed for him
And Coco danced around him as we walked over to a walled area of the field 
Lea was a gentle giant as ever 
I sat down 
And Coco tucked in to his feed
When he was finished 
He came over to me 
And I had a juicy carrot for him
Again
He thoroughly investigated me 
My hair 
My hands 
My jacket 
My hood 
My hair was in a bun
And at one point he had it in his mouth which was funny!
But even though he is so big 
He is so gentle with it
So there I was 
Sat in the middle of a field 
On a beautiful winters morning 
Lea on one side 
Coco on the other 
Pure bliss!
I couldn't have been happier 
I shit you not 
Cocos owner and Ruby left us then
And got the boat back to his house 
So myself and Mam decided to bring all the animals on a little walk 
We walked around the field 
Coco followed us 
He was so interested in Lea 
And kept trotting over to her 
Then a couple of times 
He broke into a canter which was just adorable 
I too lots of photos 
And a video 
Which I can seem to post 
I will try and figure it out
Anyway 
It was a lovely way to spend a morning 
Coco is slowly but surely melting my heart
I can see so much potential in him
And it's obvious he loves company and attention
As I type this 
I can get the scent of him on my hands 
It's such a lovely smell 
A real country and earthy smell 
I guess now that I live in the country 
I am a country girl
I've probably always been at heart 
As I never felt comfortable in towns or cities 

It just goes to show 
That I made the right decision about my course 
I now know I did the right thing 
I guess I thought that if I gave up the course 
Then I gave up horses 
But that's not the case at all
In fact 
I've been spending more time with horses now than I did when I was doing my course 
Monday I visited the white pony 
Tuesday I had a riding lesson
Wednesday I had horse therapy 
And today I visited Coco
I am happy out 
No stress 
No pressure 
Just a relaxed pace 
And I'm doing it on my terms 

A reader left a comment on my last post that it's a shame I don't post anymore 
I know I don't post as much as I used to
But I do still post at least once a week
So please do check in as I am still writing 
I suppose I don't rely on my blog as much as I used to
And I definitely don't read as many blogs as I used to
But I really want to keep this blog going 
As it means so much to me
It saved my life countless times
As did my lovely readers 
You have been there over the last five years 
Five. Years!
Has it really been that long?
It has gone by so very quickly 
And I am so glad I have a written account of the last few years 
My journey from scared, suicidal, emaciates girl
To healthy and happy woman 
It's been a hell of a ride so far 
And I'm excited to see what life has in store for me 
If nothing it will be interesting 
And that always keeps things fun

Now that things are going well for me
I desperately want to help others who are in a similar situation to what I was 
Whether they be eating disordered
Drug addicted 
Addicted to anything really 
One thing I have learned over the last year 
Is that when you take away the drug
Or the drink
Or the restricting or purging 
A massive hole is left 
And something needs to fill it 
For me 
I took away the purging 
And I quickly filled the hole with shopping 
That was also utter madness 
And thankfully I have stopped the mindless spending 
But when I stopped 
Again there was a hole left 
And this time 
I have filled it with my love for animals 
This is a much healthier hobby/addiction
One that's actually good for me 
So really I guess filling the hole can go either way 
You can fill it with something unhealthy and damaging 
Or you can fill it with good things and healthy things 
That's just my experience 
Ha ha
I just realised I spent the last paragraph writing about filling your hole
Lol!
But you know what I mean

Anyway 
I off to make a cuppa and relax for a while 
See you on the next post....

Friday, 13 January 2017

When one door closes....

....another window opens
And it's so true!
I went in to school on Tuesday to officially sign off of my course
I wasn't looking forward to going in
And seeing everyone 
But as luck would have it
I only ran in to a couple of the girls 
And they were lovely 
I had to go to one of my tutors 
He asked how things were going 
I told him I was struggling 
And needed to take some time off
He said the door is always open 
And that I had been doing really well with my course work
Pity he didn't tell me that at the time 
I could have done with some positive feedback 
Anyway 
I am now off the course 
And I have to tell you 
It's like a weight lifted off my shoulders
And I'm not the only one 
Three other girls have left too
But I'll get back to that 
I went home feeling relieved 
If a little sad about what to do next 
I got home 
Later on 
My sister came in from work
And said she needed to speak to me 
Apparently 
There is a guy she works with 
Who has a pony 
And needs help looking after him
My interest was instantly peaked 
The horse is a piebald cob
He used to belong to travellers 
Who used him to pull vehicles 
And generally didn't treat him well 
His present owner has him about a year 
And up until recently he had a horsey companion who unfortunately died 
So the owner thinks the pony is lonely 
I immediately emailed the owner 
Who sent me information and pictures 
The pony has been renamed Coco
And needs help to be caught 
And fed
So I am going to visit Coco and his owner tomorrow 
And I don't need to tell you 
I am super excited!
I am going to show that pony so much love he won't know what hit him
But first things first 
We need to be introduced 
We need to build a relationship and trust 
And I have  I doubt it will take time 
Patience is not a virtue I possess 
Being a greedy addict 
I want everything now!
I just know this pony is going to teach me so much 
I haven't even met him and I love him already!
Now I know I made the right decision about my course 
This is what I want to be doing 
Helping animals that have had a bad start in life 
And show them love and care and trust 
I just know me and Coco are going to be besties...

In other news
I went back to horse therapy this week
Back with my friends 
And my buddy Star
It was amazing 
I loved every second
I would post pictures but this app won't let me for some reason
By the way
If anyone wants to be friends on Facebook
Email me and I'll give you my name
I also met one of the girls from my course for tea yesterday 
She also has left the course 
We had a great chat 
And compared notes about our experience 
We are a similar age 
And we both found the classroom difficult 
The gossip
Discussing everyone's business 
We came to the conclusion that our horsemanship tutor was great 
But our horse riding instructor was really tough going 
The atmosphere in that stables was tense 
We were shouted at 
Ridiculed 
I was a nervous wreck going to the stables each week
To the point that I was dreading going in 
I also had to question where I was going after the course 
And what kind of job I wanted to get 
I now know that my heart lies in the rescue of animals 
I'm not really interested in competing or anything like it 
I want to help horses and donkeys 
That is my calling I think
And of course horse riding is a great hobby
For both physical and mental exercise 
All I know is that animals make me so happy 
My own dogs are two life savers 
I can't even begin to tell you how much they mean to me 
Which is why I was so upset over Leas recent diagnosis 
She is doing well though 
She gets her meds every morning 
She's eating and drinking well
Her form is good 
She is on rest thoughts 
So no walkers for her
Which I think she is finding tough
The vet recommended swimming though 
So when the weather improves I will bring her to the natural pool down at the beach
She is going back to the vet next week
So hopefully she continues up stay well

As for me?
I am doing pretty good 
I feel stable 
My body feels strong and able
Purging is a rarity 
And I'm not restricting or weighing 
I look ok
I don't love it 
But I don't hate it either 
I was speaking with my Dad this morning 
We were in the supermarket 
And he asked me if I needed Anything 
I said no
I didn't need anything 
He reminded me of the days I used up but bags of shopping every day
Spending a fortune on food that would eventually be flushed down the drain
It. Was. Bat shit crazy! 
I was a woman possessed 
I spent my days eating and purging 
Weighing myself multiple times a day 
My mood as well as my weight was like a yo-yo
Very unstable 
Very out of control
It was pretty scary 
To feel like I just couldn't stop
I used to wake up in the night 
And eat a packet of biscuits no bother to me
Now the thought of purging makes me come out in a cold sweat 
Now I eat little abs often 
I don't binge 
I don't restrict 
At this point 
I must stress
That things are by no means perfect 
They never will be 
And that's ok 
I am doing my level best 
And I am as close to happy as I have ever been 
But I must admit 
Like a typical addict 
I tend to look for replacements for the issue that I have under control
And for the last couple of years 
That addiction has bounced to my spending money 
Namely on clothes
Last year 
When I was working 
I was earning a nice little wage 
I saved nothing
Nada 
Not a red cent 
I spent all my money on Fatface and Superdry and Roxy 
My room is bursting at the seams with hoodies and jeans and shoes and boots 
It's ridiculous 
More madness
I see something in line 
And I think to myself 
'If I had that jacket, my life would be complete!'
I buy it 
I get the parcel in the post 
I feel excited opening it
Trying it on 
And the novelty soon wears off
Then
I'm straight back on the web looking at more clothes 
Make of that what you will
I gave an addictive personality 
When I become interested in something 
I am so enthusiastic 
So eager to learn and do and help
Now that I have realised the madness of my internet shopping 
That issue had to be replaced 
And it has been replaced 
By horses 
Which is pretty healthy compared to some of my own past addictions and obsessions
At least I can't harm myself or anyone around me 
This is just me. 
When I like something 
I love it and just want to be around it all the time 
And will do anything to do so
This is why I made a good addict 
Single minded and stubborn to the bitter end 
But 
Even though I go from zero to sixty in jig time 
It can be a good thing 
I get things done quickly and efficiently 
But it also means I tend not to pace myself 
And jump in feet first without thinking things through 
I guess it's both a blessing and a curse 

So
I think that is all the news from my world 
Lots of positive things happening 
I feel good about the future 
I feel positive that everything will be ok
I will be ok
 I

Will

Be

Ok....

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

2017

A new year friends
Where is the time going?
This year I am five years blogging 
It's been an amazing few years
So many highs and lows
Ups and downs 
Relapses and slips 
Trying to recover 
Trying to fight for a better life 
I can't lie and say I enjoyed Christmas 
I found it pretty stressful and boring all at the same time 
My appetite is non existent at the moment 
I don't know why 
But I can't even look at food 
Never mind eat the stuff
I guess they could be stress related too
Also still have diarrhoea on a regular basis 
Which makes no sense at all
But that's an anxious, recovering body for you
Over the break 
I was supposed to make a decision about my course 
To continue or not to continue 
This is the major cause of my stress 
Not being able to make a decision
Fearing I'll make the wrong decision
And changing my mind ten times a day
I decided to look at my other options 
And booked a lesson at a stables near my house 
Which I've never been to before 
It was a private lesson yesterday 
It was an outdoor arena
And damn was it cold!
But I learned so much 
And was given some great advice that really helped my technique
So I booked a lesson for next week
And the lady told me that I can go an hour early and help get the horses ready 
As well as staying after for a while too
This is all great 
The downside is the cost 
It was €40 for an hour long private lesson
That is almost a quarter of my weekly budget 
But another argument is that I smoked and drank and used that money and more away for years 
At least this is something worthwhile 
I guess I will see how I manage 
If I can't afford it 
I can't afford it

Then today 
I met my friend Fintan 
And went back to horse therapy 
Where I started my horse riding journey 
I didn't get to ride 
But it was so nice to see everyone 
I missed them
I had a chat with the lady 
And she said I can always go back there 
As well as doing the six week course they are running 
So that's another option 
I just need to make a decision
I contacted our course tutor today 
And made an appointment to see her on Friday 
I just feel so torn 
The thoughts of continuing my course makes me feel beyond anxious 
But the thoughts of leaving make me feel so sad
I think I know what I need to do though 
There's no point hanging on to something that is making me feel so bad 
Still though 
It's another thing I've started and not finished 
I wonder if people will feel disappointed 
Let down 
But despite that 
I think it's the right thing to do 

There are other things to consider 
My recovery 
Before Christmas 
My meds were all over the place 
I was misusing them 
Using them to knock myself out 
I came clean to my doctor 
He increased my methadone and anti anxiety meds 
And has me on supervised daily visits to the chemist 
Yes 
It's a pain in the buttocks 
But it is helping keep me on the straight and narrow 
So yea 
There is a lot going on
But that's life isn't it?
There's always something 
Bumps in the road 
It's just a matter that of keeping going 
Despite what life throws at you 
And look
Whatever happens 
I'll be around horses 
In one way or another 
I still visit my little white pony friend down the road
She is a total pet 
I've started bringing the dogs to see her too
And she is very curious to see the
Now when she sees me coming 
She greets me with a nicker 
And comes running over 
After three months of visiting her 
She has started to let me pet her 
Which is huge progress I think 
I had been given advice 
That I should ask the owners permission before I feed her anything 
So I decided to leave a note for the owner 
I carefully wrote a friendly letter with my favourite purple pen 
And sellotaped it to the gate 
I went back the next day to check if it was gone 
And I found the pony eating it 
Go figure...

Anyway 
That's all that's happening in my little world 
Hopefully now I have more time 
I will get to blog and read more then I currently am
I wish you all a very happy new year 
And I hope all your hopes and dreams come true in 2017
By the way 
Is anyone else massively triggered by all the diet/weight loss talk at the moment?
Yea 
Me too
Until the next post....


Thursday, 29 December 2016

29 Part 2

Apologies that the last two posts have been a bit all over the place
For some reason blogger won't let me go back and edit them
So Part 1 ends very abruptly
But I will try and pick up where I left off
So yes
I'm in the supermarket
Picking up anything that looks good
Bread
Ham
Relish
Crisps
Chocolate
Pasta
Pizza
Biscuits
Peanuts
And of course a big bottle of 7up
All the easier to purge with my dear
There is no rhyme or reason
It's a shopping frenzy
I'm craving both savoury and sweet in equal amounts
Then I head to the check out
Although I have been known to walk straight out of the shop without paying
But I haven't done that in a long time thankfully
Being caught tends to cop you on
My food could cost anything up to €50
Which is a lot if you're buying this every day
I pack all my shopping
And head for home
I drive at break neck speed
I can't wait to get home and dive head first in to a messy, tasty full on, mo holds barred binge
I plan what I'm going to eat in what order
I get home and immediately get a big pot of pasta on
While it's cooking
I break open the peanuts
And literally inhale them
Barely even chewing them
I get area in my living room ready
I sit on the floor
So I put newspaper down
Bring in salt and pepper
And a pint glass of 7up
I find a good show to watch
And I am good to go
I Hoover up the pasta
With gulps of 7up
I eat much more than I am comfortable with
As I know it won't be staying down for long
As soon as the food is devoured
I'm always on the way down to the bathroom
Lock the door
Tie my hair back
Roll up my sleeves
Now over the toilet bowel
I barely have to use my fingers
As the food heaves it's way back up
After the deed is done
I clean myself and anything else that needs it
And head back up for round two
The day goes on like this
A constant, relentless march from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom
The food goes down
Then comes back up
Again
And again
And again
This is the life of a bulimic
A binge is defined so by its secretive nature
And like any addict worth their salt
You become adept at mastering your crime
This is the reality of an eating disorder
It's messy
It's disgusting
It brings you to your rock bottom
I can't even tell you how I got out of that cycle
As I'm not even fully sure myself
But I got out
I was lucky
I can't even imagine having the energy or the stamina to do that now
And it all just seems like a dreadful waste of time, money and energy
I am so glad to have made it out the other side
That life was killing me slowly
Now I am living
I eat to live
I don't live to eat
I will be ok
And so will you....