Friday, 6 May 2016


Is it just me
Or does blogger seem eerily quiet these days?
I check my reader a few times a day 
And there are hardly ever any new posts to read
I guess Instagram is more popular these days 
And Twitter
But still
A lot of people seem to read this blog
And I get emails every day from readers And other writers
That is the great thing about writing this blog 
I never know what is going to happen because of it
I put myself and my story out there
As I want to speak for the cross addicted community 
As well as the ED community 
I feel my story is worth telling 
As it's not fairytale 
I didn't live happily ever after
Life is tough 
There are many many bumps in the road 
This last week proved that 
With both myself and my Mum being hospitalised
My pancreatitis couldn't have come at a worse time 
And hospital admissions are a real pain in the ass
But I'm home now 
And on the mend 
I spent yesterday getting the house in to some sort of order 
And also looking after Mam
I made her meals 
Helped her have a shower
And anything else she needs doing 
My sister is relieved I am home
As it takes some of the pressure off her
The only thing is that I'm going to miss horse riding for the next couple of weeks 
Unless I can organise a lift from someone 
I will really miss it 
As I love it so much 
Equine therapy has helped me in so many ways 
Building a relationship with Star has been amazing 
And he did me so proud on Sunday
He's a small horse 
But has a big personality 
I think we are perfectly suited
Being with animals really feeds my soul 
I find they aid with healing too
As they are so in tune with you 
For instance 
My two knew there was something going on last Sunday
As they were extremely and unusually quiet 
That's not like them at all
But yes 
Horse riding has been a life line
It has helped with my confidence in a big way 
And my self esteem
Growing in confidence has helped me with riding 
And that translates in to my every day life as well
If you had told me six months ago that I would be competing in a dressage show 
I would have laughed at you 
But I'm so glad I did it 
It really gave me a boost
There is the social side of horse riding 
I have made new friends 
Amazing people 
When we go riding 
We leave our problems at the door 
And have a laugh and a joke
There is great craic and banter 
If I could 
I would ride every single day
And I spend the whole week looking forward to Wednesday 
It's been better than any medicine 
Any therapy 
And any meeting 
I guess you find what works for you 
By a process of trial and error
Now I have found something to live for 
A reason to get up in the morning 
A purpose 
And that feels so good

In other news 
My neighbour just rang me
To let me know that the lady from  the job rang her for an reference 
I'm taking that as a good sign
That they are keeping me in mind 
If I do get the job
I don't know how I'm going to manage everything 
And I have doctors orders to rest and take it easy 
But I will play it by ear 
I really want to continue my course 
And if I get they job 
They are going to clash 
I will have to choose one or the other I guess 
Watch this space I suppose 

I met a friend yesterday 
A girl I used to be friendly with 
But we kind of drifted apart 
She also has addiction and ED issues 
So it's good to talk to someone who is in the same boat 

That is it from me today 
I'm a busy bee looking after Mum
See you on the next post....

Thursday, 5 May 2016


I was really hoping to get home yesterday
The boredom and routine of the hospital was sapping the life out of me
And I was losing the will to live
They took blood yesterday morning 
And it took a couple of hours for the results to come back 
I paced the corridor as I was off my drip
Asking the nurses every half hour if they were back 
I have to say though 
The nurses are nothing short of fantastic 
A few of them remembered me from my last admission
And they just couldn't do enough for me
I had cups of tea coming out my ears!
And if I never see toast again it will be too soon
My Dad came in to collect me
So he also had to wait 
At about 4 30pm
The results came back 
My amylase was down by 100
So that was good news 
Now I just had to wait to see the doctor to be discharged
I was all set for another epic wait
I swear I'd done nothing but wait since I set foot in that hospital
But to my surprise
He arrived after only a few minutes
With his possey in tow
And gave me the go ahead to go home
They didn't need to tell me twice
I quickly packed my bag 
And rang my Dad who was down stairs 
I went to say goodbye to all the ladies in my ward 
The lady beside me especially 
We used to sit in our respective chairs
And have a fool ol' natter
She was in a tremendous amount of pain
And was drugged up to the eyeballs 
It didn't bother me though
I was getting Tramadol and a sleeper 
So I was happy out

The day in hospital is long 
I was well enough to be conscious of what was happening 
Not sick enough to not be bored
My pain was being managed with the Tramadol
I asked many of the nurses and doctors what I could do to prevent further attacks
But they could be me no answers
And one even told me to pray!
So there seems there's nothing I can do to help myself 
And may just have to put up with this
And learn to live and manage it
I guess in hospital they only treat the symptoms 
They patch you up 
And send you on your way as soon as you begin to improve 
I left hospital at 5pm
And I was delighted to get home
To see Mam and the dogs 
The dogs knew something was up the last few days. 
And they were being unusually quiet
They gave me a lovely welcome though
I had some dinner 
Changed in to my pyjamas
And settled down for the night
Mam is feeling stronger
And is getting around a bit more easily
I'm glad to be home to help out 
I'll whip the place in to shape in jig time

So this morning 
I had to see my doctor 
I had no appointment 
So I just rocked up at 9am
And planted myself outside his room
Avoiding the receptionists 
As I knew if I went through them
I would never get to see him
The surgery was so busy
So I was hoping my doctor would see me
I knocked on his door 
And he called me in
I apologised for skipping the queue 
But he saw me
Which was very decent of him
He asked me about my hospital stay
And again 
He could not give me any answers
Apart from avoiding alcohol
Which I do any way 
I forgot to bring my Tramadol prescription
So I asked my doctor for some 
He was really reluctant to give me some
But agreed to give me two days worth
Albeit half the dose I was getting in hospital
I was so glad he saw me though
At least now I can relax that I have my meds
That's the thing about methadone 
I am so dependant on it
And waiting around for it in hospital was a nightmare 
But the nurses were fantastic
And did their best to get it for me as soon as they could 
Nurses really are the unsung heroes of the health care system
Every time I have a hospital admission
I am so impressed with their kindness
Their efficiency
And their patience
It really is a vocation
Even the student nurse was amazing 

Now I am back home 
And I'm trying to get the house in to some kind of order
My poor sister is absolutely wrecked
She has been on nurse duty now for over a week
Then she had to bring me in to casualty 
I feel so bad for her
But I am home now 
And I can get stuck in
I guess I just need to be careful now
And stay as healthy as I can 
That includes diet, exercise and looking after my mental health
That's all I can do
And hopefully I won't get another attack any time soon 

I'm feeling a lot better though
My pain is minimal
And I'm going to go to my course today all being well 
It's just so lovely to be home 
And have the freedom to do what I like 
Ok I'm off to do some cleaning 
See you on the next post....

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

Day 2 in hospital

Yesterday was a bit of a nightmare
The couldn't get any of my meds
The only one they could get was the mirtazapine
They had to order the reat
And because it was a bank holiday
The pharmacy was closed 
And I couldn't get my methadone 
Luckily I had tablets at home 
So my Dad brought them in
No methadone though
My Dad came in to visit at 2pm
So I took my meds then 
I started to get sleep at around 3pm
So Dad left 
And I had an epic sleep until 8pm
I'm not fasting anymore 
So I can have a light diet
Of tea and toast
Or soup and bread
I'm actually sick of tea and toast by this stage

I've been getting pain killers IV since yesterday morning 
But they won't give me any opiates because I'm on methadone 
So the weak tablets I am on are not really touching the pain
Last night
My cannula started to get sore 
And I looked at my arm 
It had swollen by about 50%
At first I thought I was seeing things 
But comparing it to my other arm
It really had ballooned
The nurse immediately took the needle out 
And a doctor out one in my other arm
This morning my arm is still swollen
Now I know what I would look like if a gained 50 pounds
Very strange 

Took me a while to get to sleep last night 
And the lovely nurses made me two cups of tea
The other women in my wars are elderly
And they are some characters
Constantly laughing and joking 
One woman is 90 years old
And she is the life and soul of the ward
Most of the time I am in too much pain to join in
But I like listening to them

I woke before 7am this morning 
And the ward has been a hive of activity since then 
At the moment I am lying down listening to the radio
And waiting to see the doctor
I still in pain 
And can't get comfortable 
Not matter what way I lie

Below is a photo of my swollen arm 
And some pics of the horse show 

Sunday, 1 May 2016

The show, the hospital and a very long day....

I bring you this post from a hospital bed in my local hospital
A very tired and weak Ruby
Yesterday started out great
My Dad, my nephew, my sister and I
All set off for the horse show at 9 30am
And arrived at the centre just after half ten
The place was a hive of activity 
And I was super nervous from the start
I changed in to my horsey garb
And took a seat to watch the show start
I knew very little about the show itself 
I deliberately didn't ask any questions 
As I figured that ignorance was bliss
There was a guy from my class there 
And he was riding in the same category as me
All in all there were seven of us 
I had feared that they would all be children
But they were in fact all adults
Some people were taking it very seriously altogether
And arrived dressed and done up to the nines 
A few people had even brought their own horses 
There were some really beautiful ones 
I was on at about 12pm
I was super nervous from the start 
And I just couldn't wait for it to be over 
Eilish gave me some last minute words of advice 
And before I knew it
It was time to go
I knew one thing though
I knew Star wouldn't let me down
I mounted him 
Took my whip and Eilish gave me the nod to begin
Thankfully Star began trotting with no bother 
And we were off
From the start 
Stars pace was great
He was moving so lovely 
We made our way around the course
Trying to be as neat and precise as possible 
I was trying so hard to keep my shoulders down and my back straight
I swear it was hard work
It looks so easy 
And it seems the horse is doing all the work
But it's tough on the legs 
And your breathing 
Before I knew it 
My test was over 
And I finished up in the centre 
And bowed to the judges
I looked up
And all I could see was Fintan giving me a huge thumbs up
Eilish was super excited 
She gave me a big hug
And said it was the best I've ever done it
I was wrecked 
But I felt it went well
I dismounted Star 
And went to speak to my family 
Who were all delighted for me
Then we had to wait for about half an hour to get the results 
So we all got a cup of tea and chilled out 

As I was drinking tea
I noticed a pain was developing in my upper abdomen 
I ignored it at first 
The pain was bearable 
So I didn't give it too much thought
Then Eilish came over with a huge smile on her face 
I came fourth out of seven!
I was really delighted as all the riders in my group were experienced 
And it just felt so good not to come last 
Fintan came first 
And I was so happy for him
He truly deserved it
To be honest 
I couldn't enjoy the moment fully 
As the pain in my stomach was getting worse 
But I pushed it to the back of my mind 
After taking some photos 
We headed for home 
I told my Dad about the pain
And also my sister 
It felt suspiciously like the pancreatitis pain
But I was just praying it wasn't 
We arrived home about 2pm
Mam is laid up obviously with her foot
So my other sister stayed with her today 
I told Mam about the pain
She strongly suggested that I didn't wait for it to get worse 
And to head in to A&E
That was really the last thing I wanted to do 
But as the pain got worse 
I knew I had little or no choice
So I packed a bag of essentials 
And my sister and I headed off again

We arrived in A&E
And it was busy 
I registered and took a seat
And then the waiting game began 
Which is a bit of a nightmare when you are in pain 
About an hour later 
The triage nurse saw me
She asked the standard routine questions 
About my ED 
My addiction
My meds
She took my blood pressure which was normal
As was my temperature and blood sugars
Then I was sent out to wait some more 
A whole two hours later 
I was finally called to see the doctor 
I was given a room of my own 
Which has its disadvantages and advantages 
The doctor came 
More questions 
More examinations 
Blood taken
Then had to wait for the results 
Which took another hour and a half 
Eventually he came back to me
They measure the amylase in the blood
Normal is 100
Mine was 330
So they suspect my pancreas in inflamed 
I was both relieved and annoyed with this result 
Part of me was hoping that I had over reacted 
And it wasn't my pancreas at all
But deep down 
I think I knew it was 
I always know
You can't mistake that pain

The waiting went on and on
And my poor sister who had just got back from her stint in hospital with mum, was really starting to flag
I kept trying to convince her to go home
And at 11 30pm
She relented 
And dragged her weary body back to the house 
At 12am 
When I still couldn't sleep 
I asked for a sleeping tablet 
A request that was flatly refused
They were being very stingy with the meds on this admission
Usually I get morphine as standard 
But this time I only got paracetamol 
Very disappointing 
That's not my call to make 
For the next couple of hours 
I slept fitfully
Then at 2am
A porter woke me up to take me to a ward 
Turns out I was in the same ward as last time
And I recognised the nurses straight away
One of them took me in to a little side room
To do my vitals 
She also weighed me
But the less said about that the better 
Then I was taken down to my room
I was so glad to just relax and settle in
Again I asked for a sleep tablet 
And this time I was successful
I read  for a few minutes
Before I felt the meds kick in
And I drifted off to sleep

So here I am 
It's morning 
And I'm just waiting for the doctor to do his rounds 
I'm pretty much fed up to be in hospital
When I'm needed at home 
But isn't this just always the way life happens?

Saturday, 30 April 2016

The Toe, The show and other stories

My mother had her surgery yesterday 
My sister brought her to Dublin on Thursday 
And the operation happened early yesterday morning
My Dad stayed here while they were away
And we busied ourselves cooking and cleaning 
And generally making the house nice and comfortable for her
They arrived home today late afternoon
Mums foot is bandaged tightly 
And she has to wear an orthopaedic sandal
We helped her in to the house 
And on to the couch
The general anaesthetic has made her very ill last night 
So she just had tea and toast and water 
We sat and chatted for a while 
Mum told is all about the hospital and the staff who were nothing short of brilliant
Then I helped her put away her things 
And in to her pyjamas 
She's not as incapacitated as I thought she would be 
She can use crutches 
And get to the bathroom ok
But she needs to help changing her clothes and things like that 
So right now me and mum are in the living room 
She is relaxing 
And I am blogging 
She will need a lot of looking after for the foreseeable future
But I don't mind one little bit 
She has often done it for me

Mums operation has been a great distraction for me 
Given what is happening tomorrow 
The show in my equestrian centre
The dressage show to be more precise 
Myself and Star are making our debut!
I can't lie 
I am nervous 
I really don't know what to expect of the show 
I'm hoping there won't be too many people there 
As lots of people make me anxious 
I basically have to do a routine with Star 
There are different letters around the arena 
And you walk or trot depending on the instructions 
All in all 
I've only done the full course about five times 
And I definitely dont know the course of by heart 
But look
I will give it a go 
It will be fun
And good experience for me 
Myself and Star are building a nice little relationship 
And he has started to co-operate with me 
Which is great 
So I spent the evening getting my clothes  ready for tomorrow 
Eilish gave me some proper riding boots
Which I cleaned up 
I'm wearing olive coloured trousers
A grey top
And a grey fitted jacket
So hopefully I will look the part

I'm off to have dinner
Wish me luck tomorrow!
I promise beaucoup de photos....

Z is for Zodiac!

And so we have reached the end of the A-Z Challenge 
I actually Googled words beginning with Z
And zodiac immediately jumped out at me 
I was born in early September 
So I am a Virgo
According to the zodiac
Virgos are perfectionists 
If you want something something done 
And done well
Ask a virgo

Virgo is the sixth sign of the zodiac to be exact
And that's they way virgos like it: exacting 
I am forever the butt of jokes for being so picky and critical
But our attention to detail is for a reason
To help others 
Virgos more than any other sign, were born to serve 
And it gives us great joy 
We are tailor made for the job
As we are industrious, methodical and efficient 
My sister is always slagging me how I do everything in fast forward 
As quick and efficiently as possible
Our sense of duty is great
And ensures that we will always work for the greater good 

Virgo is represented by the Virgin
Although this association should not be taken literally 
We tend to take on some the qualities of the Virgin
Things like modesty and humanity 
Some might consider us repressed
Although Virgos would argue that it is a noble quality 
As opposed to a negative one 
As a Virgo
My brain is in overdrive most of the time 
Which is why we get so much done 
Virgos are able communicators
And use their mental strength to maximum advantage 
All of this brainpower can make Virgos prone to skepticism 
And can even lead to the type of overthinking that can lead to over kill 
Virgos enjoy studying a situation in great detail 
Whether it's in work, a project or relationship 
We are truly interested in understanding things 
Virgos are also neat and clean, reliable, and practical and oh so useful to have around 

The element associated with the sign Virgo is earth
And in keeping with that
Most Virgos are grounded, salt of the earth types
Virgos do enjoy material possessions and are picky about what they bring in to their lives
While Virgos can be worriers 
We do our best to temper these impulses 
If left unchecked this nervousness can lead to hypochondria 
For that reason Virgos are extremely health conscious 
And many choose a health or medical career 

When it comes to love, Virgos are able to loosen up somewhat 
And are devoted to their partners 
Even if they can be a bit jealous 
The great strengths of the Virgo is in their practicality, sharp mind and attention to detail

With all that said
I was wondering about you 
What star sign are you?
Are you a typical one?
Do you read star signs?
Do you believe them?
Inquiring minds want to know....

Friday, 29 April 2016

Y is for You!

And so we are on the home straight
Only two letters left
I'm so glad to be almost finished this challenge
I am notorious for starting things
And being all enthusiastic for the first ten minutes
Then my energy gives out
And I promptly give said activity up
So completing this challenge is great for me 
To actually see something through until the end 
No matter how hard it gets 

So yes
Y is for You
As in being yourself 
In your full
Bat shit crazy way
It's taken me a long time to be comfortable being myself 
And I'm still a work in progress 
Today for example 
I was walking down my road 
With my dogs 
And I looked down and realised that my trousers were on back to front 
A few years ago 
If that happened to me
I would have been mortified
But today 
I had a little chuckle to myself 
And carried on walking
Not giving a hoot who saw me
I mean 
In the grand scheme of things 
Who actually cares?
Not me anyway

I guess we have different faces for different situations 
Our work persona
Family persona 
Girlfriend persona 
Sibling persona 
We wear many hats 
So being ourselves is a real treat
I covered up my true self for so long 
That it becomes hard to even identify your true self 
And isn't it so liberating to be around someone who is completely at ease within themselves?
I find that I get on with some people and some People not so much
But that's life 
You can't like every one
And everyone can't like you

I've spent my whole life trying to fit in
Trying to be part of the 'cool kids'
At school 
Fitting in seemed the be all and end all
But then I grew up and realised that it's more fun to be different 
And not to follow the crowd 
As an adult 
We can seek out others like us if we want 
There is always someone who will get us 
Understand us 
Even when the majority of the population doesn't 
Being yourself is so important I think
Because pretending to be someone you're not is exhausting 
I've been there 
It's not fun
In fact it's soul destroying 
I am happy to be me 
I'm doing ok
Given what I've been through
I'm not doing too badly at all
I try to be a good person
I do my best to be a person of integrity 
I've made a lot of mistakes over the years 
But I've learned a lot too
And I'm now in a good place 
The best I've been in a long time 
I want to maintain that 
And live my life 
As well as I can 
I enjoy being me 
I am curious 
I have a big heart 
And lots of love to give 
We as people 
And as women 
Should be ourselves 
We are bright 
We have so much to offer 
We are the next generation
The future 
The planet is in safe hands 

Do you think It's important to be yourself?