Thursday, 21 July 2016


You know the way a girl might have a fat day
Well I am having a fat week
Every time I look in the mirror 
I see my moon like face 
Big boobs 
A tummy 
And I generally feel the size of a baby elephant 
It's not fun 
And it has made me very curious as to what my weight is 
I contemplated buying a scales today 
But what would that do?
Other than wreck my head 
I mean my clothes still fit 
They don't feel any tighter 
But still 
I feel huge 
And I hate feeling this way
I could go on a diet 
But we all know how quickly a diet can turn in to a spectacular relapse 
Been there 
Done that 
Bought the extra small t-shirt

I saw Mary this morning 
We had a nice chat 
I hadn't seen her in a few weeks 
So I filled her in about all that has happened 
She asked me about purging 
I was honest 
I told her that the days I am working 
I don't purge at all
But on my days off 
I find it much tougher 
And more often than not will purge after my meals 
Eating in work is great 
As I sit down with the others at the table 
And I don't even think about purging as I am so busy
So I guess I need to implement the same tools at home 
Mary then told me that she is going to formally discharge me 
That we have come to the end of therapy 
I thanked her for all her help and support over the last few years 
She said that she loves her job 
Because she gets to see people go from the depths of despair 
To the high of getting well
Mary has been instrumental in my recovery 
She is now a big part of my story 
When I was leaving 
She gave me a big hug 
And told me to ring her if I ever need to 
And with that 
I wAlked out of the therapy office 
And in to the rest of my life 

In other news 
I was very bold yesterday 
And overtook my meds 
I haven't done this in a long time 
I'm not even sure why I did it 
But now I deeply regret it 
As I worried my family 
And I just know I shouldn't do that 
But look
I will take the learning out of it 
And move on 
I could spend the whole day beating myself up 
But what would that do?
Nothing I suspect 
It was a mistake 
You live and learn 

I'm working the whole weekend starting tomorrow 
It's going to be a long few days 
And I'm going to be on my own at home for a few days 
By its all worth it when I get a pay cheque at the end of the week

I'm off for a cuppa 
See you in the next post....

Monday, 18 July 2016

Happiness is.....

.....when your neighbour whose known you for the past 12 years 
Tells you that you have bloomed and blossomed since starting work

I must apologise 
For my lack of posts 
My lack of comments 
Even my reading your blogs 
Blogger used to be my whole world 
I immersed myself in to the ED community 
As I had no real life to speak of 
I turned to blogger 
And the people here 
For social  interaction
For support 
And friendship 
My ED was all consuming 
I can remember so clearly 
All I did every day 
Was either binge and purge like a maniac
It not eat at all 
As recently as Christmas 
My life was a shit show
I was a mess 
A hot vomit stinking bony mess
I am beyond that now 
It is all a memory 
Instead of being my reality 
Life then took off like a rocket 
As the pieces of my life began to slit in to place 
The rest as they say 
Is history 

But yes 
I was over with my neighbour today 
She asked about work 
And said I had bloomed and blossomed since starting 
She said that even the way I carry myself is different 
This was so lovely to hear 
As I guess I don't always see the changes in myself 
I do know that I feel more confident 
More sure of myself 
I suppose that comes from my job dealing with people all day every day
Your self esteem can't help but grow 
This week in work 
We were talking about what we will do for our end of season staff party 
There have been lots of suggestions 
But our ages range from 19-60
So it's hard to think of something that will suit everyone 
If you have any suggestions 
They would be greatly appreciated

In other news 
My methadone was reduced today 
So I am now on 22mls 
It's both thrilling and terrifying 
My doctor has been trying to reduce it for the past few weeks 
And I have been putting up resistance 
But today 
I was all out of excuses
And had to bite the bullet 
It's only a 2ml drop
And I know I won't even miss it 
But still 
It's hard 
It's scary 
I don't like it 
Although to be honest 
Some days I completely forget to tAke my meds 
As my mind is on work 
When I come home from work 
I am so tired 
And fall asleep meds or no meds

All in all 
Things are good 
Life is good 
I feel good 
I have no earthly clue what I weigh 
And quite frankly my dear 
I don't give a damn
Ten bonus points if you can tell me which film that quote is from....

I wanted to thank you 
My readers 
My friends 
My blogger family 
For sticking by me on this roller coaster of a ride we call life 
Every step of the last four years has been documented here 
From the depths of despair 
To the highs of finally finding recovery 
Things are going well for me now 
And I can only hope that my story gives you hope
That you too can get well
Can recover 
And can have a life after ED and addiction
Because it is possible 
It is a reality for me and many others 
In saying that 
I have been in that place 
Where recovery seems nigh on impossible
Like something that happens to other people 
I've been crippled by my illness
But I promise you 
If you can just take they first difficult but crucial step
You will see the benefits immediately 
And you will want more 
Because now 
I can honestly say 
That I want to live 
I want to be alive in this world 
As uncertain and scary as it is right now 
I still want to be here 
Death has never scared me
Life always scared me more 
And it still is scary 
But I feel like I am in a place where I can tackle it 
So please 
If you do one thing today 
After reading this 
Give yourself a break
Put down the whip 
And do something nice for yourself 
God knows we are so hard on ourselves 
We would never treat others the way we treat ourselves 
Because you matter 
You are special 
There is no other you 
And the world needs you 
Even if you think you are insignificant 
You're not 
You are wanted and needed
I promise you that 
So let's do it girls 
Let's stop bullying ourselves 
Putting ourselves down 
Berating ourselves 
We are intelligent 
And smart people 
We matter to those around us
Never forget that....

Thursday, 14 July 2016

Catch Up

A catch up is well over due 
I seem to be blogging less and less now
That is both a good and a bad thing
Life is busy and full
I work four days a week
Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday
On my days off 
I catch up on house work 
Horse riding 
And appointments 
Up until today 
My wages have been emergency taxed
Which meant almost half my pay was taken 
But today 
I got a lovely surprise 
When I checked my bank balance 
And saw that it had all been refunded 
What a lovely way to start the day
I was able to give a lot of money towards the house
And towards the new washing machine we need 
Which was a lovely feeling to be able to do that 
I also heard back from the disability section of social welfare 
I had to send them some pay slips 
So they could means test my disability against it
I did everything above board and legit 
And in actual fact 
My disability was reduced by only €8
Which is fantastic!
My work is considered therapeutic 
So I get to work 
And keep my payment 

But yes 
Work is going really well
I can feel my confidence improving every day 
I've made new friends 
I'm thriving in my new environment 
And feel like I can do my job 
And do it well 
Because I did a couple of shifts for one of the girls last week
I have had the last few days off
Which has been nice 
But I do find myself getting a bit bored on days when I have nothing on 
I'm definitely going to see if I can continue working after the summer season
As I feel it is doing me the world of good 
The routine 
The structure 
The satisfaction of having earned my own money 
It's all adding up to make one very happy Ruby 
I am now six weeks in to work 
I can remember back in May
Just before I started 
I was beyond nervous 
And was fully prepared for the fact that it might not work out 
In fact I was almost expecting it to go belly up
Even after my first day 
I still felt like it wasn't sinking in
But like a lot of things 
I had to give it a chance 
And time to settle in 
Which when I started to relax
Began to happen 
The centre is busy these days 
Full capacity is 60
And a lot of those are children
And when the weather is bad 
No one goes out 
So the place is like a bomb hit
But that's ok 
It keeps me busy and honest 

In other news 
I am loving my new hair 
I really need to go and getting it done more often 
As it really gives me a boost 
I went back to horse riding yesterday too
Which was brilliant as always 
My canter is getting better 
As I continue to improve 
Star is amazing 
Even if he did stand on my foot yesterday 
I travelled to horse riding with Fintan
We always have a great chat and laugh 
We stop to get the horses a bag of carrots on the way 
And the minute they hear the rustle of the bag 
They are all looking over 
And kicking the doors of the stables
I've decided not to go back to the other stables 
And stick to horse therapy 
I told Fintan yesterday 
That I had been taking other lessons 
He didn't think it was a good idea either 
I kind of felt like I was being sneaky doing other lessons 
Plus the fact that the other lessons were harsher 
I was put in a group with much more experienced riders 
I was pushed to do things I didn't feel
Comfortable doing 
And more often than not 
I came out of the lesson feeling deflated 
So I think I will stick to therapy 

As regards my ED
It's in the background these days
I can't lie 
I do still struggle with purging 
But it's not every day 
And it's not impinging on my quality of life 
I've accepted that this is as good as it gets for me 
At least for now
I hope that in time 
I will phase it out completely 
I am eating a lot better though 
I eat three meals and snacks 
When I'm working 
I have my breakfast and lunch there 
And I'm so busy 
That I don't get a chance to think about restricting or purging 
Since I started work six weeks ago
I have purged once in work 
And I am determined to keep that behaviour out of my work place
I have no earthly clue what I weigh 
Really and truly I can't even make an educated guess
But my clothes fit 
And I feel healthy 
So let's go with that 
I am done measuring my self worth in pounds and ounces
I am done being a slave to my scales 
My clothes are a size 8
I think I look ok
So why would I ruin all that 
By putting a number on it 
And you can bet your ass that if I did weigh myself 
It would start off the cycle of hating my body 
And manipulating my food and weight 
I turn 35 in a few weeks 
I've been addicted and eating disordered for 16 years 
I will never get those years back 
But you know what? 
I don't regret a thing 
My experiences have shaped the person I am today 
And I would hope that I am a good person 
Doing my best to live my life as well as I can
I try to be a good person 
I try to be the best that I can be
I know that I am blessed with a strong family behind me 
And good friends around me
I have two beautiful dogs 
A job I love 
I live in a place where I am surrounded by beauty 
I have enough money 
Enough food 
A roof over my head 
A warm dry bed to sleep on
I know I am luckier than some 
And I am incredibly grateful for that 
My life is charmed compared to some 
And I appreciate everything that I have
I have always noticed 
That in support groups 
It tends to be those over 30 that seem to be doing well 
This makes sense to me 
As in your twenties 
I think you are still growing up 
And still think you are invincible 
Going out a lot 
Pushing boundaries 
I know for me 
I was in my thirties when I finally sorted out my drug addiction and alcoholism
And now my ED
I guess I was burned out 
Sick and tired 
And ready to give up the hard living 
As it just wasn't worth it anymore 
The negatives massively out weighed the positives 
I wanted something more out of life 
In addiction 
Nothing is real 
Your feelings are fake 
Your relationships are fake 
Your reality is fake 
I now want something that is real
And honest 
I am done living that life 

Today is a good day 
I feel positive and hopeful 
And that my friends 
Is a minor miracle 
Let me tell you 
It is hard work staying clean and sober 
On top of managing an ED
It is so worth it 
And I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China 
So please 
Take some comfort from the fact that I came through all this 
And you most certainly can too
I know it seems impossible 
But I promise you 
If I can do it 
So can you 
Recovery is the best gift you can give yourself 
It's right in front of you 
You just need to reach out and grab it 

Thursday, 7 July 2016

New Do....

Having worked almost 30 hours last week
I decided to treat myself to a hair cut today 
I really wanted to go all grey
But when I spoke to my hairdresser
She advised against it 
As the colour is so severe on the scalp and hair 
And what with my having psoriasis
She advised me against it 
Having looked at the other colours she had 
I decided to get a full head of ash blonde high lights 
I have to admit 
I was a bit nervous as to how it would turn out 
But seeing the finished result 
I was really happy 
I also got a good bit cut off the ends 
So that really tidied up my look
Enough with the words 
On to the photos....

Saturday, 2 July 2016

Busy bee!

It's 2pm on a Saturday
I have just finished the morning shift at work
I worked yesterday's evening shift
And tomorrow I'm on all day
It's busy at work at the moment 
We have 53 guests staying 
Most of whom are children under 12
So the place needs a thorough and rigorous clean after each meal time 
The group that are staying with us this week are what we call travellers 
You may know them as gypsies 
Travellers in this country generally live in caravans 
On the road from place to place 
To be honest 
They have a bad name in this country 
But like any group of people 
It's a few bad eggs that ruin it for everyone 
So I was a bit worried how this week would go 
As you often hear of fights breaking out at traveller events like weddings and funerals
But I have to say 
The people are just lovely 
A pleasure to have staying with us 
The parents are great
The children are polite 
And they do their bit to help us stack the dirty dishes 
And throw left overs away 
Coming here is these peoples one and only holiday a year 
So I really try to make their experience a good one 
I try to be friendly and chatty 
TAlk to the kids 
And generally make them feel very welcome 
One family brought a dog with them 
But they aren't allowed bring it to their room 
So the dog is staying in the car 
I did see the man sneaking in something under his jacket this morning 
I turned a blind eye 
I would not like to have the poor dog cooped up in the car for days

In general 
I think work is going well
It's busy 
It's hard work 
But I feel like I am thriving 
I can feel my confidence growing every day 
Even just talking to people 
So many different people every day 
Helps my self esteem 
And how sure I am of myself 
I can remember just a month ago 
Before I started
I was so nervous 
Afraid I wouldn't be able to do the job 
And that it wouldn't work out 
Here I am 
Four weeks later 
And I know what I am doing 
I feel confident and sure about my work 
And meeting new people 
Who are now friends is amazing 
Myself and Sinead are in constant contact 
I really think we are going to be good friends 
Even though she is almost half my age 
We get on like a house on fire
And the rest of the staff are just lovely 
So willing to help 
And to explain anything that needs sorting 
My Mam keeps telling me that I am lucky to have found this job
She is not wrong 
It's perfect for easing me back in to work 
I'm so busy that the time flies by 
I eat my breakfast and lunch in work 
Which is a revelation in itself 
I'm loving being more independent 
Being my own person 
And also being more financially flush 
I can contribute more to the house and bills 
I can treat the dogs 
And myself
It has all worked out remarkably well

I feel like I am somewhat abandoning my blog lately 
I just don't have time most days to blog 
And often don't have anything to blog about other than work 
I guess I am blogging 2-3 times a week now 
As opposed to the 7 days a week I used to write 
I'm also aware that my blog is becoming less and less about my ED and addiction
And more about life matter them
That is great 
And I'm loving where I am now in my life 
But I feel I might be losing readers 
But also 
I feel like I am pulling away from blogs that may trigger me 
And now I guess I don't have as much in common anymore with certain blogs
I can clearly remember writing here once 
That it was a sad fact that my virtual life was more active than my real life 
Well that has most definitely changed 
Now I am out and about in the big bad world 
Meeting people 
Trying new things 
And loving it!
As I always say 
It's baby steps 
As baby steps soon add up to be geat strides 

So yes 
I am in a good place 
How wonderful it is to be able to say that 
Things just seem to be falling in to place for me 
At long last 
I turn 35 this year 
And I feel like I am just starting to figure life out 
Heck, I am still pretty clueless 
But it's fun trying things out 
And finding out what works 
I know that a lot of you are struggling out there 
I am aware that some people are hanging on by their finger tips 
I just want you to know 
That recovery is possible 
That there is life after ED and addiction m
The odds were stacked against me 
I was a heroin addict 
With a chronic eating disorder 
It took me a while 
But I've made it out the other side 
And am now living my life without these illness taking over 
I can't lie 
It's not easy 
I still struggle 
Still purge from time to time 
Undereat from time to time 
But the point is 
That I don't let these things pull me down 
It's about progress 
Not perfection 
Perfection is a myth 
And we need to give ourselves a break 
And feel good about all the positive changes we have made 
So please 
Whatever you do 
Don't give up 

I'm off for a cuppa 
See you on the next post...

Wednesday, 29 June 2016

The calm before the storm....

I have yesterday 
And tomorrow off work 
So far 
Work has been busy 
But manageable 
This Friday 
We are going to have 60 guests 
Many of whom are small children 
A full house 
So it's going to be mental to say the least
My new hours are now kicking in
So from this weekend 
My hours will be as follows 
4pm - 8pm Friday
8am-12pm Saturday
12pm-8pm Sunday
And 4pm - 8pm Wednesday 
This suits me fine 
About 20 hours a week 
And mostly weekends 
So I can fit all my other things around it
My only complaint is that myself and Sinead are not working together at all
We have become friends very quickly 
And text each other when we're not working 
Even though she is only 19
She is smart 
With a lot of common sense 
We get along great 
She texted me yesterday 
To let me know that a group of ladies who were staying with us 
Left a card with €125 in it for the staff
How lovely is that?
It just goes to show 
That people do appreciate your hard work 
That money will go towards a night out for the staff
And just the thought alone is so nice 
I really feel appreciated in work 
Which is such a good feeling 
Because often people don't give positive feedback 
So to get it is amazing 
And makes all my effort and hard work worth it 

Today being Wednesday 
I had horse riding this morning 
The centre is an hours drive from my house 
And today was the first day that I drove it myself 
My Mam came with me 
But I drove the whole way 
It's great to build up my confidence 
So hopefully when I pass my test 
Myself and Fintan can take turns driving 
But bloody hell 
There are some lunatics on the road 
I saw a man drive through a roundabout 
And another guy over took me on the left hand side 
My nerves were shot!
But I'm glad I did it 
I'm sure it will get easier and easier ea h time 

In other news 
I was in the supermarket with my Mam this week 
They were selling talking scales 
Holy shit 
I can't think of anything worse!
But I had a weak moment 
And put the scale in our trolley 
My Mam said nothing and just gave me a look
I was having a fight in my head 
About whether to buy it or not 
But in the end 
I put it back 
It was a moment of weakness 
And i came to my senses 
And I'm so glad I did 
Nothing wrecks my head more than weighing myself 
No good can come of it

I asked Eilish at riding today 
If it would be possible for me to do two lessons in a Wednesday 
Rather than one 
Just because I travel so far 
And having two lessons would make it more worthwhile 
Age said that it might be too much for me 
But she would think about it 
And maybe bring me out for a half day every week
That would be so brilliant If it worked out 
I just love being out there 
With the people 
Who have shown me what a true friend looks like 
The horses especially Star 
Who has gently coached me from my first lesson back in March 
There is no doubt about it 
Riding has been 
And continues to be a life line
Having made new friends 
At riding 
At work 
I now see that there are some people in my life who I would be better off without 
People who suck the life out of me 
And don't have my best interests at heart 
I know now that I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness 
I will not put up with people using me
Passive aggressively bullying me
Picking me up and putting me down when they feel like it 
I will not be a door mat any more 

Having said all that 
I was wondering about you 
Have you ever had to cut people out of your life?
Was it difficult?
And was it worth it?
Do you feel better off without them?
Inquiring minds want to know....

Monday, 27 June 2016


Even though it's Monday
I am finished work for the week
As I mainly work weekends 
And am not back in until Friday
The centre is busy these days 
About 35 guests in all
It doesn't sound like a lot 
And the capacity is 60
But there is still a lot of stuff to be done 
A guest usually stays full board 
So they get their room
A continental breakfast 
Including porridge, cereal and toast
The at 1pm
They get a three course lunch 
Of soup
And dessert 
Then a hot tea at 6pm
It's down to me to get the dining room ready for each sitting 
And clean up afterwards 
Which includes doing all the dishes 
And there are a hell of a lot of dishes 
Then clean the dining room
And reset for the next meal
This week 
There was a group of 25 ladies all together 
Two couples 
And a single man 
It takes a while to get to know everyone
And some people you'll see more than others 
They all watched the Ireland match yesterday 
And we opened the bar for them 
I've never worked behind a bar before 
And I really liked it 
It was good to do something different 
And get out of the kitchen for a while

I mostly work with a girl called Sinead 
She is lovely 
And we get in great 
She is 19
But a very mature and savvy 19
Now we have got in to a good system of the way we work 
We are like a tag team 
We do everything together 
And have the craic too
Yesterday was a great day in work 
Myself and Sinead were doing the dining room after lunch 
When one of the ladies came in 
I saw her hand Sinead something 
That I thought was a five euro note 
Sinead wouldn't take it 
And either would I
But the guest insisted 
And told us to keep it for our selves 
Eventually we took the money 
And when I looked at it
I saw it was a €20 note 
I was shocked 
We both gave her a big hug 
And she thanked us for helping make their holiday 
How nice was that?
That's a big tip to me 
And means I have a little extra to get through the week 

Then after that 
I was in the office with my manager Georgina 
Trying to sort out my tax 
I was just heading out the door 
When she called be back and told me that I am doing a great job
She said that I am hard working 
Not afraid to muck in 
And that I ooze warmth and compassion 
I was blown away by this 
It was so lovely to hear
And in fact it was exactly what I needed to hear 
As I doubt myself so much 
And have regular crisis of confidence 
But they affirmation just made my day
I told Georgina that I thought the job was doing me the world of good 
And that I could feel my confidence getting better every day
She said she had noticed it too 
Then I got some more good news 
Like my day couldn't get any better 
Georgina told me that she's going to keep me on in September 
How awesome is that?
It's totally awesome!!

After that 
My shift was nearly over 
And all our work was done 
So I sat out the front and chatted to some of the guests 
There was one man called Gerry 
He told me that I am a very special person 
And gave me a big hug when I was leaving 
I left work on cloud nine 
With a warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy 
For the first time since I started work 
I really feel appreciated 
It's one thing getting paid for the work 
And of course that is why we do it 
But hearing the words of appreciation is just the cherry on the cake for me 
It makes it all worth while 
You know I just go about my business in work 
I'm friendly 
Chat with the guests 
And am always willing to do any thing to help out with them
Myself and Sinead are similar 
In that we both want to make their holiday a special one 
And will do anything we can to do that 
Because these are vulnerable people 
Who might not ordinarily get a holiday 
And that just makes me want to do more to make their stay a great one 
So yes 
Today was a good day 
The only thing I have to watch is my food 
I tend to be on the go for long periods of time 
And I can forget to eat 
But I feel so shit when I don't eat 
So I try and have something 
A small dinner 
Or a sandwich 
Something just to keep me going 
I need to remember that I am doing so much running around at work 
That I probably need to eat that but more 
Just to keep my energy up 
That's ok 
I'll figure it out 

That's me for today 
I'm off to have a wee rest 
And a cuppa 
See you on the next post.....