Before and after....

When I was at horse riding last week

One of the men called Pat 

Was asking me about my condition

You see the group I ride with 

Are called para-riders

Which means they have a physical condition or disability 

For instance 

Pat has multiple sclerosis 

MS

Land in his case 

It effects the left side of his body 

So he has trouble walking 

Among other things 

Pat was asking me if I have MS

And I explained to him that I am recovering from an eating disorder

Namely anorexia and bulimia 

He didn't really seem to understand what that meant 

So on the spur of the moment 

I showed him a photo on my phone 

Of me when I was very unwell 

He was shocked to see the picture. 

I also showed Eilish and Fintan

Who were equally shocked 

Then when I got home that evening 

I showed my sister 

She said that it is a brilliant photo

If a little disturbing 

I remember when it was taken 

I asked my brothers girlfriend to take some photos of me 

To document that time in my life 

Most of the shots are of me in my underwear 

But the most vivid shots 

We're the ones of just my face 

I look like I have given up 

Like an old and very sad woman

Then I looked at photos of myself now 

And the difference is night and day 

It shows me just how far I have come 

I feel so sorry for the girl in that photo

She looks desperate 

Lonely 

Like she has been crushed by her illness 

And by life

Her eyes look dead

I am just so grateful to have made it out the other side 

To have survived

Here are the photos...

Dog sitting

This week

I am dog sitting and house sitting for my neighbour

My neighbour lives in the cottage right beside our house 

She is an elderly lady

And has a little Jack Russell terrier called Bobby

So I come over to Bobby every couple of hours 

Let him out 

And sit with him for a while 

He won't come for a walk with me for some reason 

But thats ok

It cuts down my work load 

For the first couple of days 

Bobby was in mourning for his owner

And stayed on her bed 

Growling at me when I got too close

Then when I came in to see him this morning 

There was a steaming great pile of poo waiting for me

Nice!

Anyway 

Bobby was in better form today 

He had something to eat 

Had a run in the garden 

I brought Lea over to see him

But he wasn't impressed at all 

This morning 

My sister and I were pottering around my neighbours house and garden 

Here are some photos...

Hello out there?

It's no secret

That over the last few months 

I haven't been the best blogger

Or the best reader or commenter 

I guess I kind of feel like I'm not relevant anymore 

That maybe my blog has done its piece 

And maybe I should think about retiring 

I don't want to

I want to write 

But I am just not getting much feedback these days 

So I don't know if people are reading 

If my blog is still helping people 

And even if it's good for me

Don't get me wrong 

I love you all dearly 

But I am starting to wonder if my blog has run its course 

And maybe it's time to say goodbye 

For now at least 

I started writing this blog back in 2012 

And have faithfully documented every step of my life since then 

I have met the most amazingly kind and wonderful people 

Who I will stay in touch with whether I continue to write or not 

I heavily relied on my blog when I was unwell

I was so isolated and trapped in my illness 

I didn't have friends 

I was so very lonely 

And relied on my blog for support 

For friendship 

For a break from the relentlessness of my condition

Blogger and all the girls in it

We're there for me over the years when I couldn't bear to leave the house or face the world 

But over the last six months 

My situation has improved greatly 

I made friends 

I held down a job 

I regained weight to a healthy BMI

And generally improved in all areas 

Now that my real life is flourishing 

I don't need my blog as much now

I don't have the time 

As I am out living my life 

So I guess that is a good thing 

Anyway 

This is a shout out to you 

If you are reading

If you are still following me 

Let me know t

Let  me know that you are there 

That I am still relevant

And please 

Be honest 

I'm a big girl 

I can take it 

I just need to know that I am still part of this community

And that our community is still thriving 

This is an invitation to you 

To comment 

To text 

To email 

Let me know that you are there 

That my story still needs to be told 

Show me you are there.......

Taking the rough with the smooth....

Life is full of ups and downs 

And the only real constant is change

As you know

I go horse riding on a Wednesday 

And for the last couple of weeks 

I've been been doing two classes instead of one 

Because the equestrian centre is a full hours drive from my house 

So it makes sense for me to make the trip worthwhile 

Let me tell you in no uncertain terms 

Horse riding is not easy 

The pros make it look effortless

And you could be fooled in to thinking that the horse does all the work 

But in actual fact it is hard work controlling a horse 

Trotting can be exhausting 

As you are using your whole body to rise and fall in rythm with the horse

You need to be pretty fit to ride a horse properly 

There is a reason why I'm always sore the next day 

It's because I am engaging so many different muscle groups while riding 

Anyway 

In my first lesson yesterday 

There was myself, Fintan and another girl called Laura 

Eilish is our instructor 

From the get go 

She was pushing us hard 

For me 

It was getting my posture correct 

And for Fintan 

It was his legs 

Fintan has a condition that wastes his muscles 

And he is finding riding tough going at the moment 

Fintan has become a really good friend over the last few months 

We talk every day in the phone 

We travel to riding together 

And we generally get along very well

But back to the point of this post 

After a warm up 

And a few rounds of trotting 

It was time for cantering 

For the last couple of weeks 

I have been stressing about my canter 

As it doesn't always happen for me

And I don't know why 

So 

I was first up

I trotted Star on and we got to the corner 

Eilish was shouting at me to 'Sit in!!'

And I was trying my best 

But it didn't happen 

She had me circle and go back around to try again 

But 

The same thing happened 

I was beginning to get frustrated at this point 

But Eilish had me go round again

And this time she gave me a whip

I trotted on 

Trying to get a steady pace 

So Star could easily transition in to a canter 

At the corner 

I gave him a tap of the whip as I sat in 

And straight away 

He went into a canter 

He really is a tidy little mover when he wants to be 

I got such a buzz off cantering around the arena 

As I reached the back of the arena 

I heard Eilish shout something at me 

I thought she said go around again 

But she had actually been telling me to circle 

I didn't hear in time though

And went around the arena again 

It feels amazing when the canter comes together

But it is beyond frustrating when it doesn't work out 

And more often than not 

I can't tell why it hasn't worked

Eilish really pushed me though 

And it can be hard to take 

After the first lesson

She asked me if I thought she was being too hard on is 

I said I didn't 

And I don't 

As a lot of the time I do better when pushed 

But sometimes 

Communication is an issue 

And something's get lost in translation

But I am so hard on myself anyway 

So having someone else be hard on me too can be a bit of a downer 

So the first lesson finished

And myself and Fintan got a cuppa 

And had a meeting about the lesson 

The general consensus was that it's a real bummer when the riding doesn't happen for us

But 

It's like anything 

Some days it happens 

And other days it doesn't 

And it could be down to any number of things 

The horse 

Fatigue

Or a combination of both 

That's just the way it is 

You hAve to take the rough with the smooth 

As I said earlier 

I am very hard on myself 

And am probably a bit of a perfectionist 

I want to be the very best that I can be 

I was to grow 

And improve 

And thrive 

I love horse riding 

But I also love to be good at it 

Fintan tells me that he is happy to walk and trot and do a bit of dressage 

But I'm not 

I want more 

I want to go as far as I can with this 

Where that is?

I have no clue 

But I am excited to find out 

To explore my potential 

I put a huge amount of effort in to horse riding 

It takes me over an hour to drive there

And in every lesson 

I give it my all 

Because I love it 

Because I want to be the best horse rider that I can be  

I guess that is my personality 

And when I was ill

I used these traits in a self destructive way

I used my stubbornness

Determination 

And perfectionistic streak to maintain an addiction 

And also to lose weight 

I am the type of person that when I want something 

I will get it come hell or high water 

In my addiction 

It was like playing a game of cat and mouse 

Trying to stay one step ahead of withdrawals 

And I was always playing catch up

I was constantly trying to come up with money to feed my habit 

And it is truly amazing the ways and means that I went to to score my drug

The lengths I went to were truly incredible 

So now I guess I am putting these traits and skills in to healthier pursuits 

Like horse riding 

Like my job

I swear 

If I put half the energy in to improving life as I did in to my addiction 

Then I am doing well

That is for sure 

In other news 

I haven't heard back from the course I applied for 

I really hope to hear something before the weekend 

I just want to know if I have a place or not 

As I hate hanging around just waiting 

But if it doesn't work out 

Then I will find something else 

I trust that I will be guided in to the right path

And that I am exactly where I am supposed to be

As someone once said 

When one door closes 

A window opens 

I just hope my next window leads me to a happy place 

I just want to do something to learn 

To be happy 

Content 

To work in an area I love 

To be a good person 

That's all I want

So that brings me to the end of another post 

Thank you for staying with me 

I know the changes in my life and my blog are difficult to adjust to 

But I appreciate you sticking by me 

Thank you 

From the bottom of my heart...

Tuesday

I saw my counsellor Breda again this morning 

I had to finish off filling out forms for the course I am applying for 

It's basically a work/training scheme 

20 hours a week

It's a tailor made course for each individual 

So I will be matched with an occupation that I am interested in

So for myself 

I mentioned horse riding

Animals 

And writing 

I'm really hoping a stables will take me on and train me 

And the great thing is 

That it lasts for four years 

It sounds perfect for me 

So I am really hoping it works out

There are ten places available 

With only two places left 

So I just hope I'm not too late applying 

We will see I guess 

Because the thing is 

Only a week after finishing work 

I  already starting to get bored

And last week 

I misused my meds 

In an effort to fight the boredom 

So I know I need to get busy doing something 

Before I get in to a rut of abiding my Mrs and doing nothing 

It really is my dream to work in a stables 

I think about horse riding all day 

I dream about it at night 

I love for Wednesday's 

And my two lessons 

There are quite a few horse riding centres near me 

So I have a few options 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed they it will work out 

So I'm getting used to having less money again 

Now that  I am not working 

I have a lot less disposable income 

And it is an adjustment 

But I managed before 

So I will manage again 

I don't have a lot to say today 

I just wanted to check on and say hello 

Happy Tuesday....

Sunday

Today 

Is the first Sunday I have had off since I started working four months ago

It's very strange

But very wonderful

I slept in until 9 45am

Which is very unusual for me 

As I am an early riser

And if I am getting up for work 

I get up before 7am

For as long as I can remember 

I have disliked Sunday's 

When I was a child 

It was the day before going back to school

And as I grew up 

It was the day before going back to work

Sunday was also usually the day when I had the fear 

A severe hangover 

Or a horrible come down from what ever substance I had been taking the night before 

I also find Sunday's a very lonely day 

I've always associated it with families and couples 

Doing family and coupely things 

So yes 

I was glad to be working this day for the whole summer

And today is my first Sunday off in a while 

I got up late 

Had breakfast 

And brought Lea for a walk 

Honey doesn't always come with us now 

And I don't make her go 

She comes when she feels like it 

And that is entirely her perogative 

My dogs are old now 

Nearly 12 years old 

But they have had a long and happy life 

And I am hoping that they will be around hit another few years 

Anyway 

This weekend 

An old friend of my sisters came to stay with us 

Geraldine 

She was actually my sisters first girlfriend 

And they were together for a long time 

So this girl has known me since I was a kid 

Her and my sister broke up 

But she still remains a close family friend 

And we all love her to bits 

So we had a lovely weekend 

Chatting 

Walking 

Drinking tea

And remembering the good ol' days 

The last time Geraldine saw me 

I was in hospital 

And not in a good place at all

So it's nice that she got to see me in a much better place 

She is so lovely 

And we had such a great laugh

Below are some photos we took this morning 

Happy Sunday

What ever you are doing...

The next chapter....

So work has finished up 

And I am in the look out for some work or a course to keep me occupied

And to keep my brain ticking over

Wednesday's are now completely dedicated to horse riding 

I head out to the riding centre at 10am

And I stay until about 3pm

I have my first lesson at 11am

Where I am in my usual group 

With Fintan and Pat 

I love our little group 

There is much piss taking and joking 

We just really enjoy the riding 

And each other's company 

It's a very supportive and caring environment 

I love it 

Then from 12pm - 1pm

I take a break

Have a cuppa 

And watch the next lesson

Helping out here and there 

Then at 1pm 

I have a private lesson 

Which is much tougher than the group lesson

I say tough

It's more challenging than tough

But I love it 

I love to be pushed 

To try and reach whatever potential I can 

In the group lesson 

I Am usually last in line 

So Star literally follows the horse in front 

And I have very little to do 

But in the private lesson 

I am the only one in the arena 

So Star is depending on me for signals and instructions 

These horses are smart 

They respond to the trainers voice 

All she has to say is 'Right, shorten up your reigns'

And the horse will immediately perk up and get ready to trot 

It's amazing really 

These are working arena horses 

And they know the routine inside out 

They know to canter at a corner 

They now trot means trot 

They know from my squeezing my knees that I want him to speed up

This weeks private lesson went a lot better than last weeks 

Last week I couldn't get my canter 

And I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong 

So with a canter 

You start with a trot 

You shorten your reigns 

Get in to a nice rhythm 

In complete control

Then as you approach the corner 

You sit in to the saddle 

That is the signal to the horse to speed up 

They say 'Sit in'

And from the get go this confused me 

I mean what exactly does that mean 

To me 

Sit in sounded like they wAnted me to sit in to the front of the saddle 

But that didn't really make sense either 

So then another rider explained to me that sit in basically meant sit down in to the saddle 

In other words stop riding and trotting 

But even knowing that 

It's still hard to know when you are doing it right or wrong 

A lot of it has to do with feeling 

Feeling the rhythm of the horse

And knowing when to sit in and canter

But look 

I am still very much a beginner 

And am probably overthinking the thing anyway 

As Eilish my trainer said to me 

I have learned in a few months what most people learn in years 

And what keeps me going 

Is when it all works out 

And Star goes in to a beautiful canter 

That feeling 

When it all comes together 

Is just priceless 

And makes all the frustration and confusion worth while 

Canter around the arena twice non stop 

Truly enjoying it 

The speed 

The power 

The utter joy it brings me

It's freakin' amazing

I wish I could bottle that feeling 

And take it out whenever I want 

I live for Wednesday's 

And the chance to ride 

To spend time with my friends and the horses 

To Pull on my riding boots and helmet 

To get a leg up on to Star 

To smell the sharp scent of horse manure 

To kick Star on and start warming up

To hear the squeak of the leather as he walks 

To tell him he's a good boy 

And give him a rub

To sit up tall and straight 

And instruct him to trot 

To get in to a rythm that feels smooth and effortless 

To speed up in to a canter 

And experience the buzz of the speed

Then to dismount 

And peel off my helmet thats damp with sweat 

To treat the horses with a carrot 

And then have a hot cup of tea with friends 

And talk about the lesson 

I love it 

I love it all

Anyway 

For lack of something to do 

I put my name down to do a computer course in the local women's centre 

I went for the interview today 

Which was the shortest interview I have ever done in my life 

They gave me a break down of the course 

And to be honest guys 

It's very basic 

And stuff I would already know

It's really for absolute beginners 

But still 

I am keeping an open mind 

Breda my counsellor also told me about a course starting soon

They is a rehabilitative course 

Which matches you up with something you have an interest in 

Trains you 

And provided work experience for 20 hours a week 

Over four years 

I really liked the sound of this course 

So I rang Breda today to tell her I am interested in starting it 

I am anxious to get the ball rolling 

As there are only ten places on the course 

So my next step is to call in to Breda Monday morning 

And fill out the forms 

Lost them 

And meet with the course coordinator 

So hopefully this will work out 

As I could ask to be placed in a stables 

Or animal sanctuary 

And of course I would be happy out in either of those places

All I can do now is wait 

And as you know 

PAtience is not a virtue that I possess 

But I'm going to have to suck it up 

This course makes me excited though 

The thoughts of working in a stables is just a dream come true 

And hopefully I will get to ride too from time to time 

I just hope it works out for me 

Keep your fingers crossed for me...

 

In other news 

I Am doing well

I miss work and my friends 

But I will keep in touch with them 

And call in to them regularly 

It's nice to have more time to myself 

But I know I will get bored if I don't keep occupied 

And when I get bored 

I tend to get in to trouble 

The devil makes work for idle hands and all that 

But I have options 

So that is good 

And I trust and believe that the right thing will happen for me at the right time 

ED wise 

I am going ok 

Look 

It's never going to be perfect 

I still struggle with purging from time to time 

But I am eating well most of the time 

My mood is good 

I feel stable and strong 

I feel no urge to lose weight 

Or to change myself in any great way

I have no idea what I weigh 

And I don't wAnt to know 

Ignorance is bliss in my opinion 

My clothes fit 

Therefore I am presuming that I've not gone over a size 8-10

Which is a healthy weight for me 

And as they say 

If it ain't broke 

Don't fix it 

I hope to blog a bit more now that I have some free time 

And of course to catch up on yours 

And generally become an active member of our community again 

As I fear I have neglected you some what 

But that's life for you 

I want to thank you for still reading 

And got being there for me 

It never ceases to amaze me how wonderful the people here are 

This community means a lot to me 

You mean a lot to me 

And we need each other 

For support 

For company 

For friendship 

I love each and everyone of you 

To the moon and back....