Monday, 1 September 2014

21

So
Yesterday it was driving me up the freakin' wall
That I wanted to know my weight and couldn't find out
I searched the house for a suitable battery
No luck
I thought about driving to the shop to get one
But I couldn't get myself together in order to do that
And anyway
The rational part of me knew that I shouldn't do it

After my talk with my sister yesterday
I dug out my food scales
So I can judge the portions that I am serving myself
It also needed a battery
And ti happened to be the same type of battery that my weighing scales needs
So today
After the doctor and the pharmacy
I went to buy a new battery
Telling myself that it was for my food scales
But knowing that I was going to weigh myself also

I got home
And went straight to my room
I didn't give myself a chance to think about it
Or to talk myself out of it
I wanted to know
I just had to know
Whatever part of me it was
The eating disordered part
Or the rational, logical part
Wanted and had to know

I quickly replaced the battery
And stripped to my socks, bra and pants
(Contrary to pro-ana 'tips and tricks' your underwear does not effect the number, at all!)
I stood on the scale
The number flashed up red
And registered in my brain
It was actually bang what I thought and feared it would be
I stepped off and re-dressed
I wasn't sure how I felt
Part me was completely disgusted
Because the last time I saw that number
I swore I would never be back there again
I immediately wanted a smoke
So freakin' badly
But I am 3 weeks smoke free to day
And I didn't want to mess that up too

I went to my kitchen and started to interrogate my mother and sister
'What weight do you think I look?' I asked my mother
'About 7 and a half stone' she replied
I actually laughed when she said this
Because even the thought that I am that weight is just ludicrous
My sister wouldn't answer my questions
And flat refused to get in to a conversation with me about weight
Simply saying 'I don't care what you weigh'
I couldn't actually say the number
So I wrote it down and showed my mum and sister
My Mother was delighted
'Wow, that's great she said'
She genuinely seemed happy
I wish I could say that I felt the same

Next thing was to work out my BMI
It's 21
Twenty
One
I haven't been in the twenties in so long
It's all a bit overwhelming
I probably shouldn't have weighed at all
I should have left well alone
I should have taken all your sound advice
But I did what I usually do
I pressed that big red self destruct button
Because I seem to like to torture myself
Because I am a glutton for punishment
Because I seem to enjoy fucking things up for myself

As I typed this
My sister put a plate of toast down in front of me
But I can't bring myself to eat it
All of a sudden Anorexia is screaming in my head
Berating me
Making fun of me
Insulting me about my weight
I didn't buy any chocolate or crisps today
They are out of the question
Absolutely out of the question

I can't lie
I want to lose
I want to be less
Just a little bit
Until I feel comfortable in my own skin again
Even though I know how this story ends
Even though I know even the very thought of trying to lose weight is ridiculous
The urge is there
It's proving hard to resist
God dammit why do I do this to myself?

I'm hoping this feeling will subside
That the initial shock of seeing the number will dissipate
I can't tumble back down the rabbit hole
I can't put myself and my family through that again
But sometimes I feel powerless to resist

I need to get my head together
Get back on track
But I feel quite alone with this
Because I have no Mary anymore
I haven't got her reassurance
I need to use my own resources
I can't let this slip turn in to a relapse
I just can't
I have too much to lose
And I don't just mean weight

If my camera was working I would show you a photo of myself
But it's not
So I can't
Maybe that's a good thing



Any thoughts?



Sunday, 31 August 2014

Time for action

I had a bit of a meltdown after my last post
Convinced that I had gained a substantial amount of weight in the last 3 days
I tried on all my clothes
And came to the conclusion that I was indeed fat
I decided to take drastic measures
And decided to do a fast
A water fast no less
I was feeling quite manic and stressed
And generally that I had no control over my food and my weight
My sister sat me down and gave me  a good talking to
This is why I love my sister
She is honest with me
Even when it's hard to hear
And as you know
I really appreciate honesty
She told me in no uncertain terms that a fast was a ridiculous idea for someone with an ED
She even said 'That is your anorexia talking'
Gosh she has been listening and reading
Then she told me that I was eating far too much chocolate
We then worked out that I was eating 2000kcals a day in CHOCOLATE ALONE!!
I knew I was eating a lot
But I had blocked out the actual amount
So that was a shock to say the least

We had a very honest talk
I told her that I don't keep down every thing that I eat
And that I really want to get my diet under control
We decided that tomorrow we are going to make a meal plan
We're going to work out the calories
And for the moment I am going to cut out crisps and chocolate
Not forever
Just until I feel I can manage it
I am also going to eat at the table
And with others
No eating in the living room
No eating in front of the tv
No eating in between meals
I need these rules
I need the structure
Because at the moment there are no rules
I am all over the place
And it is driving me up the freakin' wall people!!

I don't want to use my ED to get my food under control
I don't want to be bony and skinny
I don't want to be unhealthy
I want to be fit
Healthy
Toned
I want to be strong
I don't want to be that weak and listless person I was for so many years
If I am honest
Then yes, I do want to lose a little bit of weight
But I know that is dodgy territory
So I am hoping that if I look after my diet
Then my weight will look after itself

So for dinner tonight
We made vegetarian chilli
With kidney beans and black beans
I ate a small bowl
I felt really full after
But my sister had worked out the calories and it was under 200
So that eased my mind
I managed not to purge
That is the first meal I have not purged in ages
Result!
Now I just need to carry on like this


I need to do this
I need to take control of my life
And that starts with my food
As my sister said
I have given up heroin
I have given up the smokes
I can do this
It's time to take action
To reclaim my body
And be the best person that I can be

Thank you to everyone who commented and made suggestions on my last post
Thank you for your understanding
And your honesty
Your words are appreciated so much

To weigh or not to weigh?

As you know
I have not being weighing
And haven't done so in the past couple of months
So I have no earthly clue what I weight
And didn't really want to know either
But for the past week my curiosity has been pricked
I threw my scale in to the lake a few months ago
But there is another scale in the house
So I got it out this morning

It took me a few hours to psych myself up to do it
I stripped as I always do
And stood looking down at the scale
Wondering if this was a good idea or not
I had some numbers in my my mind
Acceptable numbers
Not acceptable numbers
Safe numbers
Dangerous numbers
I held my my breath
As if the air in my lungs would effect the number
I closed my eyes
and tentatively stepped
I must have stood there for 30 seconds or more
Daring myself to look down
My anxiety was through the roof
My heart was thumping
Adrenalin was surging through my body
You would think that I am exaggerating here
But I'm really not
It really caused me that much stress
Because I know how knowing that number can effect me
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria
It has such an effect on me
And I hate that it does
I hate that the number has so much power over me

I finally managed to open my eyes
And look down
To my surprise it read 'Low' on the screen
For a second I was confused
As I'd never seen that before
What does that mean?
That the scale has decided that I am a low weight?
Then I realized
Low meant that the battery was low
And so it couldn't give me a reading
Well if that isn't a sign I don't know what is
I didn't even look for a battery
The universe had decided that I shouldn't know my weight today
So I am not gonna argue with it

But it does leave me with a dilemma
Should I get a battery?
Should I weight myself in the doctors tomorrow?
Should I just leave well enough alone?
When I was with Mary last week
She suggested that I weigh once a week
Is that a good idea right now?
I really don't know






What do you think?
To weigh or not to weigh?
That is the question.......

Saturday, 30 August 2014

Help?

I need your help with something
I am thinking of submitting some of my writing to an on line mental health magazine
But I am having trouble trying to pick a piece
This is where you come in
Is there any post that you particularly like?
Or one you think would be suitable?
My favourites are the ones with black humour
But I don't know of they would be suitable or appropriate
So if you have a favourite post
Or one that you think I should submit
Do let me know
I'd love to know what you think.......

Teenage Kicks

Because now I no longer smoke
And have long since given up drugs and alcohol
I have had to find other ways to get my kicks
To escape
To check out of reality for a little while
To get out of my own head momentarily
Drugs and alcohol are very effective at doing this
They literally get you out of your head
But having used them for years
The high wore off
Because of all the crap that goes with them
They are expensive
The wear off relatively quickly
And you build up a tolerance to them
So you have to take more and more to get the same effect
Plus drugs are illegal
So you run the risk of being stopped or arrested
Also drugs can kill
You would think that would be the top reason why I stopped taking them
But actually that's probably part of the reason that I did take them
So I would die

Anyway
Drugs are more trouble than they're worth
And for me the biggest high was the anticipation
Those few minutes before taking the drug
When you knew you were just moments away from oblivion
Your heart thumps
Your skin goose bumps
Your brain is just waiting for the delicious feeling of warmth and numbness
That feeling is almost better than the drug itself

And alcohol
Well, I stopped drinking because I was a horrible drunk
I either became loud and obnoxious
Or teary and emotional
I just couldn't handle my booze
I didn't like myself very much when I drank
And the hangovers just weren't worth it
So that had to go too

Then came my ED
When I had my addiction under control
My ED always came to the surface
A very effective way to have the illusion of control
Because of course I wasn't in control at all
The disorder had me by the neck
But I went along thinking that I was ok
Even when I lost all the weight
Even when I was so weak
I couldn't walk up my stairs
I just couldn't let it go
I couldn't stop
I couldn't see anyway out
I couldn't see life beyond my illness
My life consisted of doctor appointments
Hospital stays
Treatment
It was like a merry-go-round
A twisted, fucked up carnival ride

I had short periods of time when my ED sudsided
But that was because I was abusing my meds
Another addiction
This went on for too long
My poor mother
I don't know how she stayed sane through it all
Me dopey
And falling asleep at the drop of a hat
I don't know how she put up with me
I can't remember how or when it happened
But I did start to take my meds properly
Probably because they had been increased
And I had enough per day to still be in a state of falling asleep
Now for the most part I take them properly
There is probably one a day a week when I misuse them
But things are a lot better than they were

I've smoked since I was 13
Cigarettes were my constant companion
I smoked when I was sad
When I was happy
When I was bored
When I was anxious
When I couldn't sleep
And whenever and where ever I could
I always had cigarettes on me
Was always ready to go for a 'cheeky smoke'
I had been mentally preparing myself to give up for weeks
I didn't tell anyone
Just incase it didn't work out
And then I stopped
That was 19 days ago
I haven't had so much as a drag since then
Everyone I tell is really surprised
Because I smoked so much you see
And I really did love my smoke
It was like a little time out
5 minutes to myself to sit and think and smoke
I did my best thinking when I was smoking
God how I miss that
But now I am officially a non smoker
And I love that I am a non smoker
Although I do get jealous when I see someone lighting up
I look at them longingly
And inhale the second hand smoke
Need to stop doing that

So what has replaced all these vices?
Well I've tried exercise
Swimming and hill walking
They were good
But no substitute
I tried travel
And found out that I am a home bird
And shopping
I've shopped a lot for clothes
I see something in a shop
Or on line
And I think that my life would be complete
If I only had that pair of Fat Face jeans
Or Blowfish boots
I especially love buying online
Because then you get  package delivered
And these is nothing more exciting than getting a package delivered
I ordered a pair of boots a couple of weeks ago
I was out when the postman came
So he left me a note to call in to the post office after 4pm
Well 4pm couldn't come soon enough
I was like a child on Christmas Eve
The anticipation was thrilling
What is that feeling like?
Yes you've guessed it
It's just like that feeling I used to get before I took drugs
So when I got the parcel
I resisted the urge to rip it open
Put it on the passenger seat of my car
And broke the speed limit driving home
I got home at brake neck speed
Tore in to my house
Held the package for a moment
Relishing the feeling
And ripped the package open
To find my new size 5 Blowfish boots
I took them out and admired them
Very nice
Very nice indeed
I immediately put them on to wear them
But that's the thing
Once I have worn them once
The novelty kind of wears off
Because they're not new any more
So it's back to square one

So that's the story of my addictions
The ups and downs
The highs and the lows
I really am a teenager in an adults body
Now I'm off to do some more internet shopping
(Will I ever learn?)

Friday, 29 August 2014

Lizzie Velasquez: The skinniest woman in the world

I saw this show advertised in my newspaper
Lizzie Velasquez: The skinniest woman in the world
I was reluctant to watch it
As I thought it was about someone with anorexia
And I usually find those shows massively triggering
But it wasn't
It was about a girl called Lizzie
With a disorder so rare that it doesn't even have a name
Her body is not able to store fat
So she looks emaciated
No matter how much she eats





Lizzie is 27 years old
When she was 17 years old
She came across  Youtube video of a  local interview that she had done
She clicked on it
And was horrified to see that she had been dubbed
'The ugliest woman in the world'
It was an 8 second clip
And when Lizzie saw it
It had already been viewed by over 4 million people
In an interview Lizzie said
'At that moment I thought, well my life is over'

But instead of crumbling
Lizzie decided not to let this get her down
She decided to do what women have done for centuries
She decided to use her looks to her advantage


“My parents said you can have your one good cry and let it out, but you have to pick your head up and move on to something positive,” she told Fox News Latino. “And for me, that was in the form of setting goals, speaking out against cyber bullying and reaching out to the media so people could hear my story.”

Now, 10 years on from seeing that article
Third generation Mexican-American Velasquez was born 4 weeks pre-mature
She has zero per cent body fat
No matter how much she eats

“I hated my condition because it caused so much pain in my life. Not physical pain, but emotional pain. I mean, being a teenager is hard enough, but being a 13-year-old girl with this syndrome, who is blind in one eye, who weighs 58 pounds, and who is constantly picked on by people is almost unbearable,” she said.


But, as she grew older
Lizzie began to love herself



Now I actually look at my condition as a gift,” she said. “I honestly think of it as waking up every morning and it’s Christmas Day and it’s something that I’m blessed to have and I want to share this gift with anyone who will have it.”


Lizzie is now a motivational speaker
Her third book will be released this month
She also has a documentary in the works called The Lizzie Project

“This is not going to be a movie just about my life,” she said. “I feel like I’ve been given such a huge platform that I want to take full advantage of it. ‘The Lizzie Project’ is a call for anyone who wants to unite and make the online world a more positive place,” she said. “My mission is to show that there’s light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to bullying and I’m hoping to do that throughout this movie.”

I had never hears of Lizzie before seeing her on tv this week
I think she is awe inspiring
It would be so easy for her to give up
To lie down and hold up her white flag
It would be so easy for her to feel sorry for herself
But she doesn't
Not one little bit
She is using her disorder as a power for good
I have to admit if I had this disorder
I don't know if I would be handling it as well as Lizzie
She is someone who can't do anything about her condition
It's so rare there is little or no research done on it
She has to walk around every day advertising her disorder
That must be so hard
Because people can be cruel
When we don't understand something
We tend to be afraid of it

But it just goes to show
Beauty comes from the inside
It shines from the heart
And Lizzie is beautiful because love and hope and faith shine out of her so brightly
Beauty is not having a perfect appearance
Beauty is being a good person
It's helping others
Even when you can't help yourself

Lizze has really inspired me
Having re-gained weight recently 
It puts my problems and issues in to perspective
I am healthy
I am happy
I don't need  much more than that

Thank you Lizzie
For reminding me to love myself
No matter what I look like



Refercence: Latino.Foxnews

Have you heard of Lizzie?
Or seen her documentary?
What did you think?

March - August



These photos were taken in March
Just after I came home from treatment
I remember taking them
I looked at them and came to the conclusion that I was indeed fat
I could hardly bear to look at them
But now when I look at them
I can see how underweight I was
I can see how frail and pale and lifeless I was
It's scary to think that I have put on over 15kg since then
I wonder where I have put it all
Because I am still a size 8

My body image has improved in recent months
But I still have days when I look in the mirror
And hate what I see
I still have days when I trying  on clothes endless amounts of time
Because I can't find anything that doesn't make me look fat
It took me quite a few months to get used to this body
And it's ok
It's ok
I'm ok
Just the way I am

As I've said before
I compare my size a lot to others
And I have been comparing myself to my sister
She is a size 12 (UK)
To my eating disordered eyes
We are pretty much the same size
But to my sister
She looks bigger
And my mother
I think she is so tiny
But when she tries on my clothes
They are too small for her
This is very confusing
Because I can't trust my own eyes
My own judgement about what size I am

I am so tempted to weigh myself
I know what weight my sister is
So if I work my own weight out from that
I have an idea of what I weigh
But I could be way off
Something is stopping me from weighing
So I'm not going to

I've re-gained the weight quite quickly
I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing
Whatever
It's done now
And I am managing to live my life in my new body


I don't have any up to date photos of myself
As I have lost my camera charger
So I have no camera
But here are some from London