Sunday, 29 March 2015


It was this morning
The same as any other Sunday morning
Except the clocks had gone forward 
And confused me so I had got up an hour earlier than I would normally
I watched tv for a while
And drifted in and out of sleep
I finally managed to wake up at about 10am
Got myself together 
And brought the dogs for a walk
It rained 
We got soaked
And headed back to the house
Marie texted
We arranged to meet at the lunch time meeting
I changed my clothes
And got ready for the meeting
Jumped in my car
And headed off

I think a lot when I drive
I couldn't tell you what I was thinking about
I know I was driving through the village
Mass was just over and there were air of people milling about
Cars pulling in and out
I was driving slowly 
Was just driving by a junction
When I saw it
A green jeep
There are a lot of green jeeps around where I live
And everytime I see one my heart stops
I scanned the registration plate
It was his
My heart now started to palpitate 
He was at the junction
So I drove right by his eyeline
I didn't look to see if it was him
I knew it was
I wanted to put my foot down and get the hell out of there
But the car in front of me slowed to a crawl
It seemed to take forever for me to drive past
I don't know if he saw me
I don't really care
But by the time I got to the meeting 
I was a mess
I had to sit in my car for a couple of minutes
And just breathe
And calm down
I managed to compose myself
And headed in to the meeting 

I guess it was bound to happen 
I was bound to run in to him sooner or later
In reality we frequent the same villages and towns
This is a small area
It was always going to happen
But still
I wasn't prepared for it
And it rattled me something serious
Just knowing that he is around unsettles me

But how and ever
It happened 
I survived 
I'm sure it will happen again
And I will survive that too

In other news
I reconnected with an old friend yesterday
When I first moved here
I used to attend meetings regularly
I mentioned in my last post that I was friendly with two of the men
One of the men in particular became a family friend
I guess he was like a sponsor to me really
We were friends for years
But I went of the rails
And pulled away from him and all my friends
I've spoke to him maybe a couple of times in the last few years
And yesterday I rang him
He didn't know who it was at first
I kept him guessing 
When he heard me speak
He knew then
It was so good to speak to him
And he was delighted to hear from me
We arranged to meet tomorrow and then get a meeting in
He's someone that I want in my life

So I am doing ok
Keeping close to good friends
Getting a lot of meetings
Staying out of trouble
I'm trying
And that's the main thing

Saturday, 28 March 2015


Another day 
Another meeting 
Myself and Marie decided to go to the next town for our meetibg yesterday 
Just for a change
And I wanted to reconnect with people who I used to know
I moved to this area 10 years ago this summer
And started going to meetings pretty much straight away
Mostly NA
But there were only two a week back then
Now there's one most days
Back then there was very few women at the meetings
Do I used to hang around with the men
There were two men in particular that I was very close to
They were in their fifties 
But I got on great with them
One especially became a family friend 
And was a great support to my mother also
Over time o drifted away from the meetings
And over the next few years I was in and out of the rooms regularly

So I picked Marie up at about 7pm
And we headed in to town
We arrived a few minutes late 
And skipped in to the room and in to two free chairs
I recognised a couple of faces straight away
And whispered hello
It was only when I looked around
That I realised that it was all males
I suddenly had a thought that maybe this was an all male meeting
I was going to ask 
But I figured someone would have said if it was

I sat beside a guy who I used to be great friends with
His name is Damien
Back in 2007/2008 we spent a lot of time together
It was around then that I was hospitalised  for my anorexia
I remember Damien calling up to me every evening
He would bring the paper
And we would do the crossword
We were constantly in and out of the ward going for cigarettes
Him pushing me in my wheelchair
And me in my fleecy pyjamas and hat and scarf 
Trying to ward off the cold that had hit in to my bones
He was a great friend
But again
We drifted apart
I was slipping and sliding
And he moved on
It was so good to see him last night
We had a big hug
And a quick catch up after the meeting
He asked about my mum
And the dogs
And we laughed about old times
It did my soul good

It was quite nerve racking being in a meeting of all fellas
And they were young guys too
I could feel my heart thumping in my chest as I tried to muster up the courage to speak
But I did it 
I shared about where I am at
And how I'm trying to get back on track

There was one guy there who I've known on and off for years 
When he was sharing
He said it was really good to see me
He said that he remembered a meeting once where it was just him and me
I could feel the anxiety in me rising
I remember that meeting
I shared something with him that I really regret
I won't go in to what I said 
But let's just say it left me in a very vulnerable position
I had hoped this guy had forgotten about it 
But he obviously hasn't
It made me feel super uncomfortable
Apart from that
It was a great meeting
I really got a lot out of it
It was so lovely to see some familiar faces
And so good to the amazing recovery that people have
I want that 
I want to be well so badly now
They say in meetings
That the only requirement is a desire to stop using and drinking
I can honestly say now
 That I have that desire 
And the more meetings I go to
And the more I listen to others share
It confirms in my mind that this is the right thing to do
And I am on the right path
I just feel so blessed
And so very lucky 
To have been given this second chance
And if a relapse was what it took to get me here
Then I can honestly say that it was worth it
They say everything happens for a reason
I subscribe to that way of thinking for sure

At the end of the meeting 
It was asked if anyone had any recognised clean time
One guy had a year
And everyone clapped
Then I was asked how long I was clean
I said three weeks
And everyone clapped and said well done
I know three weeks isnt a long time
But to me it's a first step

I am now a week back at meetings
And I am reaping the benefits in so many ways
My head is a much nicer place to be 
I feel so much more positive
I actually don't mind living in reality when I feel like this
I have no cravings
No urge to drink or use
No desire to contact The Boy
He now seems like a distant memory
I have hope now
Hope that there is life beyond my ED and addiction
Hope that I can be the person that I've always wanted to be
A good person 
A person who does the right thing
Someone you can rely on
And also the social side of meetings is great
I'm meeting so many people
And that is great for me
I was spending so much time on my own
That I forgot how nice it feels to be around people
To chat
To laugh
To identify and relate
To connect
To hug 
You can't beat that feeling 
And of course my feeling better has rippled out to the rest of my family
They can see that I am making the effort
And although they might not fully trust me yet
They can relax a little

Myself and Marie were chatting on the way home from the meeting
She really has been such a good friend to me
When a lot of people would have nothing to do with me
She was always there
Never gave up on me 
That means so much to me and I am eternally grateful to her
I used to wonder why I attracted unsavoury people
Crazy people
Trouble makers
I now see that it was because like attracts like
I have out those vibes
And so attracted those types of people
But now the opposite seems to be happening
I seem to be attracting good people
Honest people 
And that is amazing 
It means that they are the kind of vibes that I am sending out
That makes me feel so happy

It's funny 
As quickly as life can go down hill
It can also turn around just as fast
I feel hopeful now
Like I really have a chance to get my life back on track
I have been through a lot in my 33 years
I'm lucky to have made it this far relatively unscathed
I believe my struggles have a purpose
I'm not entirely sure what that purpose is yet
But I'm sure if I keep doing the right thing
Then more will be revealed 

Tonight Marie and I are going to another new meeting
And I am glad to say that I am looking forward to it
It's a good day today
It good to be alive and kicking
To feel good in myself
Now I just have to work hard to maintain this feeling
I hope I can do it
I think I can 
I really think I can 

Friday, 27 March 2015

Anyone out there?

My goodness the blogosphere is quiet these days 
Do you find that?
Hardly any new posts pop up in my reader
And it seems more and more people are abandoning their blogs 
I still wonder what happened to Rayya?
And so many more
I'm wondering why it's so quiet at the moment 
I mean is it just a lull?
Or is blogger old news?
Is Instagram and Twitter more popular these days?
I guess people prefer to look at photos
Rather than read a body of text
And here in our little ED corner of the blogosphere
We are all about the story
More so than photographs

Do you find it quiet at the moment?
Why do you think that is?


I think I mentioned recently that one of my neighbours died 
An elderly man
Now his wife is left alone
I call over a few times a week to run some errands for her 
And walk her dog 
Yesterday she asked me to pick up a couple of things for her from the shop in the village
I collected the items today
And called over to her
Her hearing is quite bad 
She doesn't hear the doorbell
So usually I give a loud knock 
And let my self in
I walked through the living room
And in to the kitchen 
She had her back to me
And got a bit startled when I said her name
Just then I realised what she was doing
She was pouring herself a glass of white wine
It was 10 30 am

I didn't know what to do
So I said nothing 
And acted like I hadn't seen anything
Then she told me she was planning on driving to the church down the road
I became worried as it is dangerous for her to drive at all
Never mind when she has drink on her

This makes me worry
I've known for some time that this woman and her husband like to drink
A lot
They met in AA over 20 years ago
But some where along the road 
They started drinking again
The woman was hospitalised a couple of years ago due to complications from drinking
She was in hospital for months
It was nothing short of a miracle that she pulled through
There has been trouble in that house over the years
The guards were called numerous times
They often injured themselves from falling over while drunk
And then a couple of months ago 
The husband suffered a stroke
His wife didn't call the ambulance until three days later
As she though he was slurring his words and having trouble moving because he was drunk
He was hospitalised
And died six weeks later 

Now the woman is on her own
Her mind is sharp
But her body is old and weary
She really can't afford to be drinking
If something happens to her
If she falls or passes out 
There is no one there to help her
It's really very worrying

This is the ugly face of addiction
This is what happens when it gets a grip on someone 
All common sense and logic goes out the window
And the drink or drug takes over
If I need a reminder of the damage that addiction does
I need look no further than in to this woman's house
She is very much on her own 
No one ever calls to her house
She rarely seems to see her family
It's a sad and lonely existence 

Today is Day 5 for me
I got to two meetings yesterday 
An AA at lunch time
And an NA last night
It was my first NA meeting
And what a breath of fresh air it was
It was a small meeting
Four guys and me
I was so warmly welcomed back
Which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside
I just have such a good feeling about this
About recovery 
My meetings 
And the people in them
I have an instinct that I am on the right path
That if I keep recovery focused
Then I can get my life back on track

When I was using
I was behaving so out of character
So shady
Plotting and planning
Ducking and diving
Trying to hide it from my family
The tension in the house 
The worry on my mothers face
No drug is worth that 
No drug is worth my peace of mind and my families too
Now I am getting back on track
My family can breathe a sigh of relief
They don't fully trust me yet
That will take time 
And I understand that
I am willing to do the work
One day at a time 

I've had to stop weighing myself
It was becoming a bit of an obsession
And anyway 
I've been the same weight for the past few months
Give or take a kilo 
I'm not entirely happy with my weight 
I would love to be 5 - 6 pounds less
But I can live with this weight
Just about

So I am in a pretty good place 
My head is a quiet place today
I'm working hard to stay well 
To keep steady 
To stay clean and sober
To nurture my relationships
And earn back trust 
I was saying last night 
That maybe it took this relapse to get me back on track
And if it did 
Then it was so worth it
I regret nothing it's made me the person I am today 
And that person is not a bad person 

I will get a meeting in tonight 
And a couple over the weekend 
I'm actually looking forward to it
And that my friends
Is a freakin' revelation!

Thursday, 26 March 2015

Day 3

Technically today is Day 5
But it's my third meeting so we will call it Day 3
I got to the lunch time meeting today 
And will go to the 7pm NA this evening
Which will be my first NA meeting
It's great to have lunch time meetings to go to
Because some days it can feel like forever waiting for the evening meeting 
And it's great to start the day off on a good start
Chicken soup for the soul
I know I would go everyday if they were on
But I get to about 3 or 4 a week
And that is great

It was a small meeting today
Just six of us
Creepy man was there 
So I did my best to avoid him
It was a lovely meeting
Some people were talking about nature and animals
So when it was my turn
I shared about Honey and Lea
And how much they have helped me
I also spoke about Lea 
And how her fur fell out when I went in to hospital
And then grew back when I began to recover
So I really enjoyed the meeting
I am getting used to speaking in front of others
And don't get so anxious before hand

I had a phone call from Mary's secretary
To tell me that Mary had to cancel today's appointment
I am disappointed
But hopefully will get to see her next week
It's something to look forward to

My confidence is slowly coming back
It really was non existent
I felt so low in myself
Couldn't find any redeeming features about myself
I felt like I left a trail of destruction in my wake
That I hurt everyone around
A burden
A no good
Eating disordered
Drug addicted
Waste of space
I really thought I had nothing to offer
That I was bad through and through
Bad to the bone
But you what I am starting to realise?
That I am not a bad person
I never was
I have done some amazingly stupid things in my time 
If there was a stupid Olympics 
I would win gold every time
But the person who hurt the most through all my shenanigans 
Was me
Now that I am clean and sober
I know that deep down 
I am inherently good
I want to do the right thing
I don't want to hurt myself or others
I want to be a good person

It's amazing the difference a few days and a few meetings can make
Almost three weeks ago
My world came tumbling down 
As my family found out about my using 
It rocked them to the core
My mother, my sister and I
Stood in my bedroom
Them demanding that I get rid of any drugs that were in the house
And my refusing to do it in front of them
I honestly can't remember the last time I saw my Mum so angry and upset
It shocked me

Fast forward three weeks
And things are a lot better
As quickly as things can go downhill
The can also turn around just as quickly
I fought with myself for so long about meetings 
And struggled to accept that I needed them
I wanted to do things my way
The Ruby way
It might have worked in the short term
But if I want a life free from drink and drugs
Then I need to have some sort of plan
And meetings are a good plan
I'm not entirely sure why they are so effective
Essentially an AA or NA meeting is a gathering of addicts
Who come together to exchange their experience, strength and hope
We sit and share
About our lives
And our addiction 
And most importantly about out recovery
I always come out of a meeting re energised 
And full of hope
They do the trick every time 

Now I am wondering why I avoided meetings for so long
I bobbed along 
On my own
Running on the fumes of recovery 
Holding on by my finger nails
It took me way too long to find my way back to the rooms
But at least I got there

I feel like I have a chance now
A chance of a good life 
Free from drink and drugs
And all the bullshit that goes with them
There is a woman at the meetings who calls the chairs 'priceless' seats 
She is right 
Those seats are precious 
And not to be taken for granted 
I just feel very grateful today 
For meetings
For my family 
My friends 
And my dogs
As they say
Count your blessings slowly
And one at a time 

Meetings, Mary and many deep breathes

As I am finding out
90 meetings in 90 days is not as straight forward as you may think
I was due to go to an evening meeting last night
But then couldn't go as my meds had me quite sleepy 
And I didn't want to drive
So today is Day  3
And I am going to go to two today to make up for yesterday
Even though I'm only back at meetings a short while
I can already feel the benefits
My mood has lifted
I'm not craving a drink or drugs 
My head is clearer
The committee isn't as loud
I'm being more sociable
And my family have noticed too
I'm not so moody
Or irritable
Dare I say it
I'm behaving more like a normal person

Oh and I have some great news
I am seeing Mary today!
She rang me last week to arrange an appointment
And I am super excited to see her
For those of you that don't know
Mary is my ED therapist
I saw her for three years before the funding for her job was cut
But thankfully she has now been reinstated in her position
And I for one am delighted to have her back in my life
Mary is by far the best counsellor I have seen
I've seen many over the years
And most have tried to help
But only a couple really managed to

No doubt Mary will weigh me today
Which I am not looking forward to
When I last saw her
I was bordering on a healthy weight
But I'm sure that I look a lot different to the last time she saw me
I just keep having to remind myself that I am of a normal healthy weight
My weight is stable at a BMI of 20
And that is good

I still weigh myself every morning
For the last few mornings I've been bang on the same weight
I am ok with it
I'm not ecstatic about
I would love to weight five pounds less
But I accept this weight
And I am not actively trying to change it
But still
It will be hard to stand on another unfamiliar scale

In this country
We are known for our drinking
That's a stereotype
But we do as a nation drink a lot
Over the last few years 
Another craze has taken off
And that is fitness
In all forms
Cyclists regularly use our road 
And there are many  MAMILS
( Middle aged men in Lycra)
Now every where you look 
There are people kitted out in running gear
The colourful trainers
Tight black running leggings
Head bands
And of course headphones
They are everywhere
I see them when I walk my dogs 
When I look out my window
Buying healthy food in the supermarket
Going in to/ coming out of the gym
Oh yes
This new breed of people are taking over

I'm not a huge fan of working out 
Only that I have two dogs
I probably wouldn't walk every day
I tried running a couple of times
And hated every second of it
I don't wear proper work out clothes
And don't own a pair of trainers specifically for running 
When I walk I usually wear a track suit or jeans
And my high tops
I always feel over dressed as I pass all you lycra  loving ladies 

Why am I writing about this?
I guess because I'm feeling the pressure to fit in
To swap my high tops for high preformence trainers
And my comfy jeans for colourful Lycra
I feel the pressure to start jogging
To move more 
And eat less
I feel left out because I am not part of the 'fitness gang'

Years ago it was the trend to be super skinny
Now it seems to be all about getting healthy, strong and fit 
Which is more preferable to bring thin
But there is still pressure to conform 
I definitely feel it
But I know I have to be careful
As my ED can take over
And obsession kicks in
I guess a lot of us have to watch that
It would be nice to find a happy balance
To exercise for enjoyment and health
And not to lose weight

I was wondering about you
Do you feel pressure to exercise and work out?
Have you ever like me battled exercise addiction?
Do you exercise now?
I'd love to know 

Wednesday, 25 March 2015


This comment was left on my blog yesterday

Sobriety? How many mls of methadone are you on again?

I know I shouldn't feed the trolls
And shouldn't give this person any more attention
I should really ignore and move on
I shouldn't let this person get to me
But I have 
And I take issue with this comment

Anonymous I think you know exactly how many mls of methadone I am on
I know that technically I am still dependant on a drug
I am also on various other medication
They have all been prescribed to me by my doctor
It's not like I am buying these drugs on the street
And taking them as I see fit
My meds are dispensed daily 
And I don't abuse them in the way that I used to

Methadone seems to polarise people
You either agree with it
Or you don't
Methadone has a bad reputation
It conjures up images of pale vacant junkies
'The walking dead' as one newspaper here called them recently
Methadone means trouble to a lot of people
And like any group of people
There are always some bad eggs
But there are also people like me
People who use it correctly
And are working to come off it completely
I'm not a trouble maker
I don't sell my methadone
Yes I messed up recently
But I am doing my level best to get back on track

Maybe in your eyes I am not clean anonymous
But I am as clean as I can get right now
Yes, I am physically dependant on methadone
But isn't that miles better than being addicted to heroin
Existing in that murky under world of addiction
I'm not committing crimes to get my drug
My life is not chaotic or unmanageable
For the most part I am stable
I am steady
I am doing the best I can

I've been getting quite a few negative and nasty comments recently
It seems that some people are not willing to give me a second chance
Of course when I write a post
I put myself out there for everyone to see
And with the positive
There is also negative
I understand that
And it's ok
Everyone is entitled to their opinion
And freedom of speech
But there is no excuse for smart arse comments
Written anonymously of course

I was wondering about you
Do you ever get nasty comments?
How did you deal with them?
Do you think it's best to ignore them?
Or do you reply to them?
I'd love to know......