Friday, 6 March 2015

What a week......

Its been a tough week to say the least
I lost a friend 
And I'm still reeling
I'm not quite sure why it happened
But she chose to walk away 
And I guess that is her perogative
It was quite the nasty break up
I think she said some things she didn't mean
I know I did
In the heat of the moment
We both came out bruised and battered
Nasty business
And I am left wondering if I am what this person said I am
A Fake
People pleaser

Then on Tuesday my neighbour died
I think I have mentioned my neighbours before
They are an elderly couple
She is a tough as old boots
Salt of the earth type
He was a proud Scot
Very shy
But with a heart of gold
Their story is heart breaking really
After his first wife died
The man remarried out neighbour
They met in AA
And both were recovering from their respective addictions
They married
And moved here some 20 years ago
They were always great neighbours
They would watch the house if we were away
Or mind my dogs from time to time

But more recently there has been some trouble in their house
They both began drinking again
And chaos ensued

Two years ago 
The wife became extremely unwell
And was hospitalised
We went to visit her
She didn't even know her own name
Let alone who we were
And that was caused by drink
We thought that she wouldn't pull through
Because she was so far gone
But she is a fighter
And she bounced back amazingly well 
I have no doubt that she was lucky to have survived

Then one morning
About six weeks ago
The wife asked me to pick up a prescription for her husband
And told me that he was ill
I did what she asked
And later on that day
We saw an ambulance leaving the house
We went over to see what had happened
And it turned out that the husband had had a stroke
He had in fact had the stroke three days prior
But his wife thought that he was drunk
And was slurring his words because he was drunk
So she didn't phone the doctor until a couple of days later
When the doctor arrived
He immediately called an ambulance
He was brought to the local hospital
Where he stayed for the next six weeks
The wife has no family around
And a lot of the mans family seemed to be estranged
So it was up to us 
Her family and friends
To support her
And help 
Jobs like getting her shopping
And bringing the dog for a walk
The husband left his wife with huge debts that he had acquired
Because he was drinking all his money

We got the news that he had died on Tursday night
We sat with his wife that night
And held her as she cried 
It was heart breaking
Even though he was an elderly man
It was still a shock

The removal was last night
And what an appropriate day
It was cold and dark
And we all huddled together trying to stay warm
And this morning was the funeral
A lovely simple service
They did him proud

This really hits home to me the destruction that addiction causes
It tips families apart
It breaks hearts
And causes no end of hurt and pain
If I needed a reminder not to go back down that road 
Then this is surely it

I'm finding that if I stay busy
It's easier not to think about using or The Boy
I need to put that relationship to rest
No good can come of it
There is someone out there for me
Who is good and kind
And most importantly who is stable
A relationship is not my priority at the moment 
Getting well is
I know love will happen when I am ready
I know that I am not at the moment

Thursday, 5 March 2015

Silver Linings

I got to a meeting today at lunch time
As you know
I've been trying to get to a meeting for some time now
And recent events have shown me that I need support 
I need to be around others like me 
I need to have some sort of plan in place with regards to my addiction
I can't do this alone
And I am fed up and lonely trying to

I had told a few people that I was planning on going today
So I had some encouragement and support 
And my good friend has been amazing at helping me make sense of things

But just to mess with me
The Boy texted today
He has now moved
And wanted to bring me out to the new house
I had a bit of a battle going on inside my head
Will I meet The Boy?
Will I skip the meeting
I was so tempted to go meet him
But I hard a stern talk with myself
And decided to go to the meeting instead

I was so nervous all morning
That I felt physically sick
I really didn't want to go
And yet I knew I was going to go
I called to my neighbour as her husband died on Tuesday
More of which in another post
I just wanted to keep busy as I knew if I let myself
I would talk myself out of going

Finally it was lunch time 
My nerves were at me big time
And I drove as fast as my heart was beating
I arrived at the venue
There were a few cars outside
One of which I recognised as my friends
I locked my car and headed in
I walked down the short corridor
And when I reached the door of the room
I stood outside it 
For what felt like an eternity 
Having an argument about whether to go in or not
I could hear voices
And the familiar passage of The Big Book
I put my hand on the handle of the door
And walked in

The first thing that hit me was the darkness
All the lights were off
And six people say in a circle 
Around a portable heater
The first face I saw was my friends
She had a huge smile on her face
I recognised a couple of other faces too
I took a seat
And the meeting began
One by one
Everyone spoke 
I had already decided that I wasn't going to speak and just listen 
But hearing everyone else gave me the courage to speak
And I did
I was nervous
And I could hear the wobble in my voice
I was honest
Not felt good
I was glad I went
And then it was over

I spoke to a couple of people after
And my friend gave me a massive hug
Then something a bit strange happened
I was on my way to the bathroom
When one of the men started talking to me
At first he was nice 
And made a lot of sense
But then he started talking about how he is having trouble with his 'sexual conduct'
And porn
I was really taken aback at his candour
And more than that 
I felt really uncomfortable
It was totally inappropriate for him to speak to me like that
As he went in to quite a bit of detail
Which I won't repeat here
I really did not want to hear about this persons sex life
And I'm not quite sure why he thought it was ok to tell me this

I know better than to judge AA on just one meeting
And I know that not everyone in the meetings is well
Or even sane
So I won't let this unfortunate incident sway my opinion

So now I am home
I'm sitting with my dogs at my feet
And a cup of tea in my hand
My head feels clear
Free from all the nonsense that had been plaguing me of late
I am so glad that I went
If this whole situation had a silver lining
Maybe it will be that my recovery becomes stronger
And I get back to meetings 

I feel like I have made the first step to getting back on track
I feel positive
Dare I say it 
That things can improve
That I can recover from my addiction
That there is life beyond addiction
And it is a rich and colourful life
Full of happiness that can't be found in a bottle or a pipe or a needle
And I do believe that there is someone out there for me
Not that that's a priority at the moment
It isn't
My priority at the moment is not to use
And once I get on top of that 
Anything is possible

Clothes Post #14

I haven't  done a clothes post in a while
As I've been trying to be good
And not spend my money the minute I get it
But now that I have a bit of extra money thanks to me currently being a non smoker
It's hard not to spend it on other things
Namely clothes and shoes
I am getting better though
And my impulse buying isn't as bad as it once was

On with the show.......

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Baby Steps

As you know
I was supposed to go to a meeting yesterday with my friend
Heavy snow fall on Monday night/Tuesday morning meant that I couldn't go
I was really annoyed 
As I had planned on actually going this week
So tomorrow is the day now 
I will go to the lunch time AA meeting with my friend

I guess this friend is the closest thing I have to a best friend 
I've known her for a few years now
She also has addiction and ED issues
But she is very strong in her recovery
And she has always been there for me over the years
I spoke to her on the phone yesterday for quite a while
I told her all about the situation with The Boy
She could identify with boy drama
And she doesn't judge me at all
But she thinks I should stay away from him
She makes a lot of sense

So by hook or by crook
I will get to that meeting tomorrow
I feel pumped and motivated to get back on track
I have to
Not just for myself
But for my family and my dogs
And as for The Boy
That relationship has to end
Everyone keeps telling me how there are other boys out there
I hope there is
I guess it's hard to believe that anyone would like me
When I don't like myself very much
But I know the right thing to do is to stop seeing The Boy
Before anyone else gets hurt

My appetite has been suffering through all of this
But on the bright side
I haven't been purging at all
And by that I mean I have been purging 1-2 times a day
That's about as good as it gets for me right now

My relationship with my weight and body image is very changable 
Some days I look in the mirror
And I can just about tolerate what I see
Some days I cry
And try on every item of clothing in my wardrobe
And lose the will to live with every change
Sometimes I look at myself and think that I look like something approaching ok and presentable
I would love to like my body more even just a little bit
But more often than not it is the enemy 
It is one to be feared

My  and I went on a little road trip today
I bought  two tops
And some gifts for my mum
Here they are........

Monday, 2 March 2015

Starting a blog

I was asked a question recently 
About starting to write a blog
And did I have any tips for someone who wanted to create a blog
This is a really good question
And I wish I had had someone to ask when I was starting mine

I started writing my blog April 2012
I knew very little about blogs
Although I had been reading a few about eating disorders and recovery
It seemed like such a great thing to do
And a great way to connect with others in the same situation
I was up to my neck in my ED
And I desperately craved to be around others like me
So I decided to start writing my own blog
I knew very little about blogs
And I am not the most technically minded person in the world 
So it was baby steps all the way
My blog now gets about 15 000 unique visitors a month
And it's always exciting to get comments and emails

Why blog?
Well first and foremost
It is just a really good hobby
If you love to write and connect with others
Then blogging is definitely for you
I have made some amazing friends through blogging
And I am as close to them as I am to people in my real life

Blogging is fast becoming one of the post popular ways to communicate information
I was reading an article just yesterday
How bloggers are taking over the world
So it is definitely a good way to stay in the loop of what is happening right now

I had to decide what the theme of my blog was
I think it's good to have a theme
So people know what your blog is about
In my case I chose addiction and EDs and trying to overcome them
But yours could be about anything
The possibilities are endless
And there are always others who will have the same interests as you
That is the great thing about blogging
There is a whole community of people who are in the same situation as you
And they will welcome you with open arms

So now you know what you are going to write about
Time to create your blog
First you need to choose your blogging platform
This is the site that will host your blog and there are many
Which is probably the most user friendly
Wordpress which is the biggest platform
Tumblr which is a really interesting way to post
I chose blogger
Although I have used Wordpress in the past
I definitely found that blogger is the easiest to use

Then I had to create my blog
Choose a URL
Your blogs address
Your blog title 
And your user name
I would keep your URL short and catchy and not  too difficult to remember
For your user name you can choose your real name or a pseudonym 
I choose Ruby Tuesday
As Ruby is close to my real name
And also because I love the song Ruby Tuesday

Now it's time to design your blog
And figure out how you want your blog to look
There are many free templates on blogger and Wordpress
So I am sure you will find something that suits you
And they are easy to use
Even for a technophobe like me

So now you have created your blog
It's time to write your first post
But first you need to decide whether you want to write anonymously or not
There are pros and cons to both
For the first few months
I wrote anonymously
And that was great as I could write anything
Safe in the knowledge that no one new who I was
But then I decided to make my blog more open
And started posting photos
So my blog is no longer anonymous
I would also think carefully about who you give your URL to in real life 
As then that person can read your blog whenever they like
Something to think about

In your first post
You will want to introduce yourself
I would make it short and snappy
Tell everyone who you are
What your blog is about 
And maybe a few tidbits about yourself
And of course always leave people wanting more.....

Then you will want to decide how often you post 
I used to post on Mondays, Wednesday's and Fridays
But now I tend to post everyday
I think posting regularly is great as people will then anticipate your next post

If you have started a blog
You will obviously want people to read your blog
So how do you do that?
Well you read and comment on other blogs
Then people will get to know you and your blog name
And will most likely check out your blog
And when you leave comments 
Write thoughtful and considerate ones 
No just 'Hey follow me and I'll follow you back'
And comment on blogs that are about a similar subject to yours 
That way people will be curious about yours

As you know
Blogs have followers
But don't write just to get followers and comments
That won't work
And you'll just drive yourself nuts
Write from the heart
And the traffic will follow

As time goes on
You will most likely add more pages to your blog
Maybe an About Me section
Where people can pop in and see the person behind the blog
I have many pages
Mostly to do with the topic of my blog
I add more and more as I think of them

I hope this post was helpful to those of you that are thinking of starting a blog
Do let me know if you have any questions
And please do comment if you have any other tips
Happy blogging!

Monday Monday

It's Monday morning
And it couldn't have come soon enough
All day yesterday
I felt I was on the verge of withdrawal
I was yawning constantly
My eyes were streaming
Nose was running
And some time yesterday evening a dull ache set in my bones 
I can't remember the last time I had meds left on a Sunday
And Sunday is like an eternity with no meds 
The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of a fresh batch of meds in the morning 

I went to bed at one 
Read until two
Tossed and turned until three
Got up had a cup of tea and a biscuit
Read some more
And sometime in the wee hours I finally fell asleep

I awoke to a snow covered mountain
Bone chillingly cold 
Even the dogs didn't want to go outside
I made tea
And settled down to watch an episode of Frasier
For those of you that don't know
Frasier is a show that aired in the ninties 
About a psychiatrist and his family
I've watched the whole thing three times and I still find it hilarious
Then I got dressed 
Pulling on extra warm socks 
And a fleece in an effort to keep the heat in
I piled my dogs In to the car
Fetched my sister and headed off
Despite the snow
The roads weren't too bad
And I arrived on time
I sat in the waiting room
And read an article about how bloggers are taking over the world
Soon my doctor called me in
He told me to go ahead in to his room
I went in and sat in my usual seat
I looked around the room
The green feature wall
The weighing scales
Which always catches my attention
I noticed how messy his desk was
Coffee cups
Papers everywhere
I took a tissue out of a box and cleaned my nose
Soon my doctor came in
He sat down and smiled at me 
'How was your week?' He asked
'Ok' I replied 
'Did your methadone hold you?'
'Just about'
'Did you see The Boy at all?'
'Just once but didn't use' I said
He didn't drug test me
I told him it was harder to stay away fromThe  Boy than I thought
'Do you like him?' He asked
'Kind of' I said
He gave me a knowing look
As if to say 'That's looking for trouble girl'

He said last week that he was going to decease my methadone this week
I asked him if he still planned on doing that
He said he was
'Can you leave it at 26mls for another week or two?' I asked 
'No' he said flatly
'Just another week to get back on track?'
'No' he repeated pointedly 
I was quiet for a moment as he wrote my script
I was cheeky and asked him once more 
'Just one more week?' I chanced my arm
'Ok' he gave in
'One more week but don't argue with me next week'
'I won't' I promised
I know that's manipulation 
I know I can get around him if I want to
And I shouldn't 
Because he is a kind and decent doctor 
And I should really take his advice more
He gave me my script
And left
'Be good' he said to me as I walked out
'I will' I smiled

I am slowly but surely coming around to the fact that I just can't use
And that means I can't see The Boy
He may be able to hold down a job and live a relatively normal life using
But I sure can't 
It doesn't matter if I use once or one hundred times
The level of chaos is the same
I have to accept that I have an addictive personality
There is no off switch it off button with me
Once I start I can't stop
For love nor money

My feelings for The Boy are another problem 
He texted yesterday
And I actually had anxiety when I saw his name show up on my phone 
But in a strange way
Just knowing he wants to see me is enough
Just knowing that he may have feelings for me is enough
Despite what my family think
He is not a bad person
I know he doesn't think that giving me poppy tea is a bad thing
In his mind it is preferable to heroin
And anyway 
His life is more or less together
He functions
As I have said before
This is the first boy contact I've had in a long time
And when I say a long time
I mean it's been ten years since I've had a boyfriend
But then I was ill
So I was in no position to entertain boys
It's only now that I am feeling better
That I can even fathom having a relationship with a boy
For those ten years boys were not on my radar at all
And I didn't miss what I didn't have
But as you have said to me
This is just one boy 
And even I know it would never work
There is a whole world of boys out there
And I do believe there is someone for me
Who is meant for me
Who is healthy for me
I know there is

 So this week is operation get back on track
Dare I say it 
I am planning to go to a meeting this morning
Am I am looking in to starting an animal care course in September
I think it's now imperative that I find an occupation
And working with animals is where I am happiest

I got a question on my last post asking me for tops about starting to write a blog
So I am going to write a post about that tomorrow
I know that a lot of you have been blogging for a long time
So I would love if you chimed in with any advice you have about creating a blog

Have a happy Monday everyone
See you on the next post

Sunday, 1 March 2015

New blogs?

It seems that the blogosphere is quite quiet at the moment
So many people have left 
And it's been forever since I followed a new blog
So I'm inviting anyone out there with a new or existing blog to get in touch and share your blog
Maybe you are a new blogger?
Or maybe you have been reading here for a while?
Or maybe you've never commented before?
Whatever the reason
I'm on the look out for new blogs
So do get in touch.....