Saturday, 25 April 2015

Summer clothes post

I picked up some summer clothes over the past few weeks
And I finally feel able to wear them as the weather is heating up
The following clothes are from Fat Face, Roxy and protest
Here they are......

Friday, 24 April 2015

The skinny of it

LIf we look back at weight over the years
And what was considered attractive
Like fashion
It goes through trends
Back in the 60's
Curves and shapes were very much in
Marilyn Monroe who was and still is considered one of the worlds most attractive women
Was a beautiful size 14
Then in the 90's
The rise of the super model took over
And models like Kate Moss 
Made heroin chic sexy
All over the run ways and magazines
Thin was in
Women flaunted their bones like trophies
Sharp cheek bones
And chiseled features were the flavour of the month
And then of course the phenomenon that is size zero
Became an international obsession
The skinnier the better
And that is still popular
But I think positive body image is something that is so important
I saw a show during the week 
Called Plus Sized Wars
It was about the rise and increased popularity of plus size models
Especially on the Internet
Girls like the model and blogger Tess Munster
Who is a size 24
And has a massive following on line

It's people like Tess
Who are bucking the trend of super skinny
And empowering women of all sizes to be proud and confident in their skin
Tess really is a beautiful looking girl
And I can see why she is in such high demand
And even though she is three times the size of an average model
She is still smokin' hit
She also sending out a positive message to young people
That beauty is not a clothes size
Or a number on a scale
It is so much more than that

This show was an eye opener for me
As I am one of the peoe who has been influenced by the media
And although the media did not cause my ED
It most definitely did not help
I used to look at photos of models
Long and lithe limbs
Flawless faces
An impossible standard to reach
But I still compared myself to them
And my confidence took a real battering
My own perception of what is attractive has also changed
I used to favour skinny 
The thinner the better
And there was no such thing as too skinny
I envied other girls 
But these other girls were usually a lot younger than me
It's a pain in the ass fact that as you get older 
Your body changes
You no longer have the lean frame you had when you were twenty
Your body developes curves and shapes
It's all part of being a woman
For some reason
It is really hard for me to call myself a woman
Because I swear I don't feel like a woman
And don't really look like one
Or dress like one
Or behave like one
In my mind I am still 22
But the fact is that I am a woman
A curved
Shapely woman
And I am beginning to accept that 

As I get older
I see that being attractive has very little to do with physical beauty
And more to do with confidence and personality
Beauty radiates from within
It comes out when we smile
When we laugh
I always find passion attractive
When someone talks about something they love
That can be really attractive
It's not about what a person wears
It's more about what they say
Their behaviour
Their openness
Their honesty
Their kindness
Their sense of humour
The way they treat others
What they believe
Their values
Their ability to laugh
And laugh at themselves
To see the positive in life
A hunger for life
For adventure i
There is so much more than a pretty face

My BMI has now settled at 19
Just about healthy
And surprisinglyHuuoi
I am ok with that
 I know that I am not overweight
Or underweight
I don't feel big or awkward the way I felt this time last year 
And that my friends is a freakin' revelation

I was wondering about you
What do you find attractive?
Do you think thin is still in?
I'd love to know......

Thursday, 23 April 2015

Appointment with Mary

Today was pretty busy
I was asked to open the lunch time meeting today
Which meant that I had to have the room open and ready
Provide tea, coffee and snacks
Mind the money
Put chairs out
And read the preamble

I have to admit
I was really nervous to do this 
And spent all day yesterday fretting about it
Which led to an epic binge/purge session 
That lasted all freakin' day
This morning I was a bit calmer
I had a job to do
And I was determined to do it well

I arrived at the meeting venue at about12 45pm
I arranged the chairs in a circle
Put the kettle on
And generally got the place ready
It felt good 
I felt like I was really part of things
And that I could be trusted to do this job
Another lady came then
And helped me 
One by one people trickled in to the room
And at about 1 05pm
I started to open the meeting
There was a lot of reading to be done
And I was anxious about that
But somehow o got through it
Without letting my anxiety get the better of me
When that was done 
I was the first to share
And we went around the room
Until everyone had shared

After we all said the serenity prayer at the end
I breathed a sigh of relief
I did it
I got through
It felt great

Then this afternoon 
I had an appointment to see Mary
I have seen her in about eight months
So I was really looking forward to seeing her
I settled in the waiting room
And soon I saw her friendly face PPP around the door
I followed her to the room
As soon as I walked in 
I saw the dreaded scales in the corner of the room
My heart skipped a beat
And I quickly looked away

We caught up for a few minutes
I filled her in on what has happened since I saw her
I told her that I am planning to do a course in September
But that I was very nervous about it
Mary told me a story about her going back to college in her forties and getting her degree
And now she is doing her masters
It was really inspiring to hear
She never ceases to amaze me

Mary reminded me of the first time I ever met her three years ago
She said I was so numb
So hopeless 
So battered by my ED
She compared them to now
And said I have come a long way
She sldo spoke about the ED conference that I spoke at two years ago
She said that people still tell her how my speech impacted them
That was so nice to hear

We decided that I would see Mary for eight sessions
And then reassess after that
It's great to have the support for my ED
And I feel like now is a critical time for me
I'm on the verge of being in recovery 
And I want it so badly

So all in all it was a good day
I'm now going to sit down with a hot cup of tea 
And relax......

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Eloise Parry - Diet pill death

This is Eloise Parry
A normal 21 year old
Student at university
The world at her fingertips
At least it was 
Until she began taking diet pills

Much of the following is from the BBC website

The mother of a student thought to have taken highly toxic diet pills bought online has appealed to others not to consume them.

Eloise Parry, 21, from Shrewsbury died in hospital on 12 April after becoming unwell.

Police say the tablets were believed to contain dinitrophenol, known as DNP, an industrial chemical.

Eloise's mother Fiona said that it was 'an awful way to die' and people should not take the drug in any quantity.

Glyndwr university student Eloise initially attended A and E after taking more than the recommended dose of tablets.

Her mother told the BBC that the pills appeared to be Eloise's little fix adding, 'this allowed her to achieve her Superskinny appearance but it cost her her life'.

Fiona Parry said she had no idea her daughter was taking the pills until after she died describing them as bad news.

Eloise had walked in to the Royal Shrewsbury hospital herself and there was no great panic until a toxicology report revealed how dire her situation was.

As the drug kicked in it made her metabolism soar. 'They attempted to co her down but they were fighting an uphill battle. She was literally burning up from within, when her heart stopped, they couldn't revive her. She has crashed. Two tablets was a lethal dose and she had taken eight'.

Dinitrophenol or DNP is highly toxic and not intended for human consumption.
An industrial chemical, it is sold illegally in diet pills as a fat burning substance.
Users experience a metabolism boost leading to weight loss but taking even a few tablets can be fatal.
Signs of acute poisoning include nausea, vomiting, restlessness, flushed skin, sweating, dizziness, headaches, rapid respiration and irregular heart beat.

I was shocked but not surprised to hear of Eloise's death
I heard a statistic today that one in ten people have bought diet pills online
I know I have
A few years ago I bought two bottles of ephedrine on line
The recommended dose was to take two a day
But me being me I took about twelve
I thought I was going to die that weekend
I was so ill
Throwing up so much that my body was convulsing.
Never again

But I'm sure many of us have bought pills on line
Anything that promises weight loss is appealing to us

I just hope that this poor girls death serves as a warning to others not to buy diet pills on line.

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Post, delete, repeat

After my last post
A reader left a comment expressing concern about what I had written
That I seemed to be boasting about my weight loss 
After reading this comment
I went back and re-read my post
And having done this
Promptly deleted it
That post was written by someone who was high on weight loss
I was revelling in it
And though I don't think I was boasting about losing weight
This post was definitely not healthy
And not written by someone who claims to be in recovery
Apologies for that
And thank you to the reader that had the courage to tell me the honest truth

Yea it's true that I have lost weight
But it's nothing to worry about
At least I think it's not
I'm still at a healthy weight
I still consider myself to be in recovery
I don't want to promote weight loss
Or eating disorders
And I think I was coming worrying close to that on my last post

Recovery is hard
It's more about progress than perfection as they say in the rooms
And I am most definitely not doing it perfectly
Sometimes I feel the lure of my ED
Sometimes it seems like the only option
I've had a family situation here over the weekend
Something that I won't go in to here
I will say that it upset me a lot
And I turned to the coping mechanism that I've used for 14 years
At the time it seems to help
Maybe in the short term
But in the long term it creates more problems than it solves

It's up to me to put the brakes on now
To maintain my weight
And maintain my recovery
I am in charge of my own destiny
I am the maker of my own dreams
I don't want to relapse
I don't want to be underweight
I just wanted to be happy in my own skin
I thought I would be at this weight 
And I am 
Kind of
Some of the time 
I guess it's part of the illness that we struggle greatly with body image
And that doesn't go away over night

I guess this is all part of the path of recovery
Sometimes we vere off course
Sometimes we get distracted
Or lured back in by our disorder
We think we want to go back to that life
Because life was simple then
Only one thing mattered
The illness
And losing weight
Recovery is an altogether different beast
There are challenges every single day
It's not an easy choice
Recovery can be tricky
It can be head wrecking
Anxiety provoking 
But I would still choose it over my disorder any day of the week

Call it a momentary lapse in judgment
Call it being drunk on weight loss 
But that is not me
Any one who knows me knows that
I'm not giving up
I'm not giving in
Not by a long shot

Saturday, 18 April 2015

The weighting game

I was reading back over my weight notebook last night
I go through periods of recording my weight
Although sometimes I don't want to be reminded of my weight
I tend to only record it if it's going down 

As you know
It was around this time last year that I began to regain weight
It happened quite suddenly and quickly
But I didn't feel too bad about it
That was until I kept getting bigger
And my weight hit an all time high around September
I was really uncomfortable
I felt so big and cumbersome
And I don't think it suited me at all
Some people can carry a bit of extra weight
But my frame is so small that any excess is really noticeable 
I can remember going out for lunch for my mums birthday around this time
The weather was amazing
And I wore a dress
I can remember feeling so self conscious
I hated my new curvy shape

It was also around this time that I gave up smoking
And I know I was eating more to fill the hole
Then as suddenly as I put in on
I began to lose it again
And lost almost twenty pounds
I was back weighing myself every day
Back obsessing about the number
I was bordering on a healthy weight
And I actually felt ok in my skin

Recently I put back on a few pounds
And wasn't feeling great about it
That's when I began to restrict again
I hadn't restricted in years
Thought I couldn't do it any more
But it's amazing how we can slip back in to old behaviours 
Like a comfortable pair of slippers
My weight is back down to a BMI of 19
Nothing to worry about 

I'm now at the weight that was my target weight when I was in hospital
It's bearable
It's manageable
I feel ok in my clothes
I think back to when I was 20 pounds heavier
And I don't know how I tolerated it
It's such a horrible feeling 
When your clothes begin to feel tight
When you are spilling out of them
When all your favourite clothes are too small
It's soul destroying 
And the thing is
When your weight is at a healthy point
People assume that because you look ok
Then you must be ok
And you don't want to explain that your still in the grip of your disorder
The only thing that's changed is the number on the scale
You don't want to tell them that you can't stand yourself and your body
It's a miserable place to be

The ideal thing now 
Would be to maintain this weight
I feel something approaching ok at this weight
I know that I ned to address the restriction 
Before it gets out of hand
When my mum came back from work this week
She commented that I looked like I had lost weight
My ED was overjoyed to hear this
And added fuel to the fire that is my disorder
I know I need to put the brakes on now
And not hurtle head first down the rabbit hole
I've come too far to let that happen again

I was wondering about you
Have you ever been in this position?
When you regained weight
Was it all over the place like money?
Do let me know....

Friday, 17 April 2015

Tramadol test

I was at a meeting this week
Where I was talking about anxiety
I'm really struggling with it at the moment
And it is driving me nuts
It affects everything I do
And makes seemingly simple tasks impossible
Anxiety is a horrible thing
It's why so many people think they are having a heart attack
When they are in fact having an anxiety attack
I guess they are both similar
They both affect the breathing 
Tight chest
It can be a terrifying experience

So I was at this meeting
My anxiety wasn't too bad that day
And I even managed to read out the daily reading 
Usually I can't read in public at all 
When I was finished speaking
One of the men began to share
He said he was wondering why I read out the reading so fast
But now realised it was due to anxiety
Later on he suggested that I try Tramadol for my anxiety
I knew what Tranadol was
It's a morphine based pain killer
I remember when I was in hospital with pancreatitis 
Tramadol was the first thing they gave me
It didn't work at the time

I was chatting with my friend after the meeting
She told me not to listen to the man
That he was not well
I left the meeting
And thought no more about it

During the week
My neighbour asked me if I would look after her dog for a few days
As she was going away
I said I would
So I've been over and back to the house
Feeding the dog
And bringing him for walks
I decided to sit with him for a while last night in the kitchen
I was watching tv
Minding my own business
When I spotted some blisters of meds on the table
My curiosity was pricked
And I turned the pack over to see what they were
And wouldn't ya know it
They were Tramadol

I had a huge urge to take a couple
I must have sat staring at them for ages
I had the dog on my lap 
And I kept thinking
Just one
One won't hurt
She won't even notice
At one point 
I picked up the pack
And was so close to taking a couple
But some how
I managed to resist 
I figured that my neighbour had trusted me with the key of her house
And left me in charge of her dog
How low would it be to steal her meds?
This woman was recently widowed 
And the last thing she needs is her greedy addict next door neighbour helping herself to her meds

I got home and breathed a sigh of relief
I can't lie
I was very close to taking those tablets
It was temptation in pill form 
I'm just so glad I didn't take them
And it's because I have gotten stronger over the last month
That I can resist
It's because I have been going to meetings
Because I am working a programme
Because I want to do the right thing
Because I want to get well
Because I want to be a good person
Tramadol test passed......