Friday, 30 January 2015


Confession time
You know that I smashed my scale a couple of weeks ago 
And my house is a scale free zone
Or at least it was
It was great not weighing
Not knowing that number
Not holding my self worth hostage
It felt like freedom
A lite taste of what life could be like
I didn't miss the scale at all

On Tuesday 
I went for a walk with my friend
When I got out of the car
She commented that I had lost weight
And this girl would notice
as she has an eating disorder too
All that day her words rang in my ears
I went home
And asked my mum and sister if I had lost weight
They confirmed that I had
And also said I looked very pale
My curiosity was pricked
I was dying to know my weight 

The next day
I was in the pharmacy collecting my meds
As I waited
I clocked the public weighing scales in the corner
It was one of those new fangled fancy ones that calculates your BMI etc
I was tempted to stand on it
But I didn't
It was still on my mind though

The next day 
I was collecting my meds again
And again 
As I waited
I spotted weighing scales for sale in the corner of the store
Half price in the sale
I was drawn to them 
Like a magnet I felt pulled towards it
I picked it up 
It was a Weight Watchers scale
It calculated your BMI
You percentage water weight
And fat
I was mesmerised 
A brand new shiny scale
It was like Christmas all over again

I have to admit
I bought the scale
And brought it home
I tried to smuggle it in to my house
But I met my mother in the hall
She looked disappointed to say the least
But I was on a mission
I locked my bedroom door
Opened the box
Placed it on the wooden floor
And stood on it
Of course the number meant absolutely nothing
As it was a different scale
And I hadn't weighed in a coue of weeks
So I don't know if I lost or gained
Clever Ruby
Very clever

Even though the scale has now taken up residence in my bedroom
I've only used it a couple of times
I'm not playing that game any more
No freakin' way
I had two glorious number free weeks
And I intend to proceed in the same way
So what to do with the scale?
I'm not sure 
But I'm sure I will think of something.....

Thursday, 29 January 2015

Go ahead, make my day!

As you know 
I love getting post
So I was delighted to get some very interesting looking post this afternoon
I recognised the senders address straight away
My beautiful Bella
I tore in to the wrapping
The first thing I came across was the lovely card
I had to giggle
Bella, you know me well
Then I saw all the chocolate
White chocolate, my favourite!
And there was more
A beautiful key ring with the word hope
That was sold on behalf of The Butterfly  Foundation
Which helps those suffering from eating disorders
Such a lovely thought
But there was still another package
I opened it to find the most beautiful blue apron
It is so pretty
And I am so delighted to have something made by Bella's fair hand

Thank you Bella
You are a absolute star
It never ceases to amaze me the kindness of the girls here in blogger
You blow me away
Again and again
Thank you

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Lung Leavin' Day

A couple of weeks ago
I received an email from a man by the name of Cameron Von St James
Who shared with me his and his families story
Nine years ago
Cameron's wife Heather
Was diagnosed with mesothelioma
A rare cancer caused by exposure to asbestos
Heather had just given birth to their daughter Lilly
And during the most exciting time in their lives
Heather was given just 15 months to live
After surgery to remove her left lung
Heather began her journey towards survival
And Lung Leavin' Day was born
A name Heather's sister gave the day Heathers lung was removed
In order to lighten the situation
The name stuck
And now the family celebrate it every year
On February 2nd

Lung Leavin' Day is about overcoming your fears
This year is the ninth year of celebrating it
The purpose of this holiday is to encourage others to face their fears
Each year Cameron and Heather and their families gather together around a fire  in their back yard
Write their fears on to a plate
And smash them in to the fire
They celebrate for those who are no longer here
For those who continue to fight
For those who are currently going through a tough time in their lives
And most importantly
They celebrate life

I was really moved and touched by this story
What really stood out to me was the power and strength of the human spirit
The will to live is such an amazing thing
The instinct to survive keeps us going
Even though we may want to give up
I can relate to this story a lot
Overcoming my own fears is a daily battle
And the last six months have been especially testing
At my counselling appointment yesterday
My counsellor told me that I am a very determined person
I guess I am 
Although up until now
I only used that determination and stubbornness in a destructive way
But recently 
I have been using it as a power for good
To help myself
And others

For the longest time
I didn't care if I lived or died
In fact I courted death
I would describe it as having a passive death wish
Not actively seeking it
But welcoming it all the same
I was more afraid of living than I was of dying
It seemed the only way out of my situation was to disappear
I really believed that was the only viable option

But the will to live is strong
Even though you think you don't want to live
It is always there
I began to fight
To fight for my life
And just like light seeping in to a dark room
I began to get a glimpse of what my life could be like
I began to see that there is life after ED and addiction
That there was more to me than my illness
Little by little
Things started to improve for me
My depression lifted
My anxiety lessened
I re-gained some weight
It was like inhaling a breath of fresh air after I had been drowning for so long
Every day since then has been one of growth and learning
It's scary
It's terrifying
It's overwhelming
It can be monotonous
But it's also exciting 
Life affirming
And heart warming
I am feeling again
The good and the bad
The ups and downs
The highs and the lows
It's a whole new world 
To feel again
To be present in the moment
To stop running from myself
To stop hating myself

Overcoming our fears is essential if we want to grow, learn and move forward
I often find that it is the thought of something is a lot scarier than the actual event itself 
It's the build up to it
The anticipation
It's the constant thinking about it that can cripple me
One thing I have learned in recent times
Is that I am a lot more capable than I thought I was
Fear is part and parcel of life
We can either let it hold us back
Or we can feel the fear and do it anyway
For me
It's baby steps all the way
Everything is new right now
And it's scary
But what is the alternative?
Letting feat rule my life?
I'm not willing to do that

So I invite you today 
To take part in Lung Leavin' Day on 2nd February
Let's not let fear run our lives
Let's be brave 
Let's be strong
We can do this
We can live the life of our dreams
It is possible
I truly believe that

Thank you Cameron and Heather 
For bringing this to my attention
For reminding me that I can face my fears
I wish you a lifetime of happiness and health
And Happy Lung Leavin' Day to you!

I remember a few months ago
Saying to one of my friends 
That I wished I had some boy drama in my life
And I meant it
Well now I do have some boy drama in my life
And as fun and exciting as it all is
I am thoroughly confused
The last few days have gone something like this
I texted the boy
And invited him to call out the next day
As I thought I would have the house to myself
But it turned out that I didn't
So that idea was scratched 

We arranged to meet on Tuesday
After my counselling appointment
But then he texted that he had to work
So I headed home
And told him he could call out when he was done
Then he texted that he had a flat tyre
And could I go out to him
He the sent directions to his house
But I was feeling sleepy with my meds 
And didn't feel comfortable driving that far
So I was the last one to text
And to him to text me when he could meet up
That was last night
And I haven't heard from him since

I have to say
This is wrecking my head
The constant texting back and forth
The not knowing if he likes me
Or what he really wants
I was so tempted to send him a text asking him straight out if he likes me or what
I'm not sure if this is game playing
I hate game playing
I much rather someone would be honest with me
It saves so much time and energy

And the funny thing is
That I'm not even sure that I like this guy
And yet
I want him to like me
The rational part of me knows it's not a good idea to get involved with this guy
I know it could all end in tears
Every fibre of my being is telling me to stay away from him
Yet I feel strangely drawn to him
Why is that?
Is it because I want what I can't have?
Is it because he is a so called 'bad boy'?
Is it because he is the first guy that has featured in my life since I've started to recover?
I really don't know

As I have said before 
I am so rusty and out of practice as regards dating and matters of heart 
I feel like I teenager again
Trying to figure out if the boy likes me
Trying to figure out if I like him
Or if I like the idea of him
Reading his texts
Trying to read between the lines
Ay ay ay 

So ladies
My lovely ladies
I know some of you are in relationships
Some of you are married
And some of you are single like me 
I need your help
What do I do?
What should my next move be?
Do I text him again?
Or wait for him to get in touch with me?
My feeling is that I should wait for him to make the next move
But I could ge wrong

Damn this is so confusing 
I am so baffled people 

Tuesday, 27 January 2015


I had my first counselling appointment this morning
And it couldn't have come soon enough
I used to see this lady a few years ago
And always found her good
One of the better therapists I have seen over the years
It took me a while to find the place
I had to fight through anxiety in order to drive my car
Even though I have been driving for years
I am not very confident
But then I am not very confident in general 
So I guess it spills over in to every area of my life
I found it eventually 
I knocked on the door
And I was buzzed in

The counsellor showed me in to a room
There was a clock ticking
And the obligatory box of tissues on the table
I settled in to my seat
And we began by talking about where we had left off
I stopped seeing her because I was going in to hospital
So I gave her the gist about what has been happening in my life since then

I explained how I have begun to recover
How my mood and anxiety have improved
And how I have regained weight to a healthy standard
She asked me what I would like to work on
So I told her about my lack of confidence and self esteem
And how I have very little belief in myself
How my bulimia persists 
And how I want to move on with my life
She asked me where I would like to move too
I told I wouldn't to be more sociable
Get my purging under control
And get back in to real life
As in doing a course
Or getting a job
She asked me if that's what I want
I said I feel I should do these things
And I do feel that
It's not necessarily what I want
But I feel it is expected of me

The counsellor said that I have come so far
She said I had a lot of determination 
That I can do anything I set my mind to
At one point she said I was 'some woman'
I guess I don't give myself credit for all that had happened
I tend to focus on what I haven't done
Rather than what I have done
She listed out the thins o have done
Beaten drug addiction
I have up smoking
I maintain a healthy weight
Worked on myself
And the way I feel about myself
It hasn't been easy

The counsellor gave me some methods to manage my anxiety
Skills to help me stop the negative thoughts that float around inside my head
And I need that
Practical ways to deal with these things
I'm glad I went today

I'm supposed to be meeting 'The Boy' today
My butterflies are very busy
I was supposed to go to his house
But now I think he is coming here
I guess when I spend some time with him
It will become clear whether I like him or not
At least I hope it will

Oh and I have some good news
I heard that Mary is back in her job as eating disorder specialist
That is amazing
I'm hoping it's true
I'm really hoping that it's true

I was with my friend the other day
And she commented that I look like I have lost weight
The ED part of me was delighted
And I got a little buzz
That feeling is addictive
I just want more and more of it
I asked my Mum and sister if I had lost
And they confirmed it
It's hard not to get sucked back in to that world
But I won't 
I won't let that happen
I have too much to lose now
So I am doing my level best to get back on track
I know that my weight is still settling down
And I have lost weight
But I am still in the healthy weight range
I am ok with it with my weight
I don't hate it
I don't love it
It is what it is
My BMI is at the lower tone of what is healthy
I think that is my set point

So all in all
Life is good at the moment
I have my health
And my mental health 
That is all I need
For now.......

Monday, 26 January 2015

Heart or Head?

Doctor day today
Dr M had a medical student observing today
So he was a lot more professional than usual
I played along
Like the good little recovering anorectic that I am
I asked him about my meds
And if I could go in to the pharmacy less frequently
He said that as things were going well
He would leave it as daily dispensed for another week
I guess that is best
If it ain't broke right?
He asked me if I'd had my counselling appointment yet
I told him my first one was tomorrow
Which it is
So that is progress me thinks

I'm in good form at the moment
My mood is stable
I'm having very little cravings
My weight is ok
I'm seeing friends 
And even seeing a boy
More of which later
But I still have a lot of work to do
The purging persists
Sometimes I can trick myself in to thinking that it's ok to purge 2 -4 times a day
Because at least I am not purging 10- 20 times a day
Yes it's an improvement
But to all intents and purposes
I am still very much bulimic
I still binge and purge
I still use food in an unhealthy way
Hopefully seeing a counsellor will be able to help me with that

About the boy
We were texting yesterday
I asked him if he wanted to call out here today
As I thought I'd have the house to myself
But now it looks like I won't
So I need to tell him that
And maybe arrange to do something else
I am very confused about this situation
I really don't know if I like him or not
I mean
He is a lovely guy
I think he is attractive
But I don't know if I like him more than just as a friend
I was talking with my sister and her friend
They were asking me if I get butterflies when I think of him
I do
And I think about him a lot
He's always on my mind
I love to see that he has texted
And I generally feel warm and fuzzy inside when I think about seeing him
Matters of the heart are never straight forward
There are other factors at play
He is my ex boyfriends best friend
Does that make it weird?
I'm really not sure
Also I'm not sure if I like him
Or like the idea of him
Or maybe because we used to use together 
He represents danger and intrigue 
And anyway
He might not like me at all
I my boy radar could be way off
As I have said before
I am so rusty and out of practice
I really can't tell one way or the other

I haven't had a boyfriend in years
And I've never had a boyfriend while clean and sober
This is unchartered territory
And it is scary
Mind boggling
And baffling
Why can't men and women be more forth coming and straight forward with each other?
Why can't we be open and honest
Lay all our cards on the table
Then everyone would know what was happening
It would completely eliminate the guess work
The trying to read the other persons mind
The reading of texts
And trying to read between the lines
And figure out what the other person really means

Take yesterday
The Boy took ages to reply to my text
What is that all about?
Why can't people text straight away
That would have saved me hours of agony
And because he took ages to reply
I decided to wait a while before replying
Isn't that playing mind games?
Is it being strategic
I hate these games
No good can come if it 

So I need your help dear friends
How do I know if I really have feelings for him?
How do I know I'd  he has feelings for me?
Is there a test or something I can take?
I'm kidding
But you know what I mean
Part of me thinks we should just stay friends
As anything else can turn sour and ruin a friendship
But the truth is that I would love to meet someone
And I think I am now getting to a place where that is possible
Up until now
A relationship just hadn't been on my radar
I was too sick to contemplate it
But now
Well now that I am a lot more stable
I feel ready to share my life with someone
I'm just not sure if this person is the right person

The good news is that this is a lot of fun
It's a feel good thing
I feel like I am really starting to live life
And that is an amazing feeling
I just need a little girl to girl advice
So any input is greatly appreciated

What do info ladies?
How do I know if I really like him?
And if he really likes me?
My gut feeling tells me that this is a bad idea
So do I go with my heart?
Or my head?
I think I already know the answer 
But I would love to know what you think

Sunday, 25 January 2015

The Bed War

As you know
Honey had her eye operation last Monday
And as she stayed with my Dad for a couple of days
He went out and bought her a brand new bed
Now Honey gets very attached to her beds
She spends most of her life in bed
Sometimes she moved her bed around
Putting it in the best vantage point
Her bed is currently in the utility room
Tucked in under the work top 
She loves it there
She can see everything 
The kitchen
The garden
Oh yes
Her bed is in a prime location

So when Honey was well enough to travel
My Dad brought her and her new bed up here
She now had two beds 
And we placed the new one in the kitchen beside the radiator
Honey pretty much ignored the new bed at first
Didn't even look at it
But over the course of the week
It became more and more appealing to her
First she went over and sniffed it
Then she might stand on it for a minute
And now she is using as her 'Day bed'
As in she uses it to lounge in during the day
And keeps her other bed for night time

So it was very funny today when I walked in to the kitchen 
And saw that Lea was in 
Honeys day bed
Honey was outside at the time
And so had no idea that Lea had laid claim to the new bed
I immediately got my phone out to take a shot of her
Here are Lea and  Honey and said beds