Thursday, 27 August 2015

Hole in one...

So my piercing and I are slowly but surely getting used to each other
When I woke up this morning
And remembered that I had it done
I jumped out of bed to examine it in the mirror
The redness has now gone down
And I like it even more than I did yesterday
My Mum can barely look at it
And is pretty horrified that I got it done

Yesterday was a really cool experience
Going to Zombie Dolls
Meeting Terry 
Getting the piercing done
I'm so glad that Terry was straight up with me
And to me that the labret piercing wouldn't work
And didn't let me go ahead and do something that would later cause me problems 
I really liked Terry 
It was like she had no filter between her brain and her mouth
And I love that!

Now I definitely want to get more done
Maybe a few in different parts of my ear
My belly button
My tongue 
Eek I can't imagine how painful that would be 
Yesterday the pain was intense 
And my instinct was to pull her hands away
Thankfully it didn't last though
And I lived to tell the tale

Here are some photos of it today...





Wednesday, 26 August 2015

P Day

So
Today was the day
The day I get my piercing done
For my birthday
My birthday gift to myself 

My sister and I set off early this morning
The studios name is Zombie Dolls
And is about half an hour from my house
From the start
I had butterflies in my tummy
I like to think that I have a high pain threshold
Having been through many many dental surgeries
Pancreatitis 
And sticking many needles in to myself over the course of my addiction
I like to think I'm a tough cookie in that respect

We arrived in town
And parked 
It took us a while to actually find the place
But we did 
Eventually 
The place itself was so cool
All black
With black and white paintings on the walls
There was a young girl on reception 
She told us to take a seat
And Terry would be out to see us shortly
Terry being the piercer
A couple of minutes later
She came to greet us
A really pretty girl
About forty I would guess
With strawberry blonde hair 
And covered in tattoos 
I liked her immediately
And the place
Sometimes 
These places  can be intimidating
But this place had a lovely atmosphere
And a nice vibe

I told Terry that I wanted to get my labret done
Which is just below the bottom lip
She took a look at my labret and gums
And said that it wouldn't really work as my lip was so low it wouldn't be seen
And it would also effect my gums
I was really disappointed that I couldn't get it done
But Terry suggested that I get the bit of skin between my nose and my upper lip done
I wasn't too keen on this 
Then my sister suggested that I get my nose done
I liked that idea 
And decided to go for it
I wasn't leaving that place until I had something pierced!

I sat up on the table
And Terry prepared her tools
I decided to go for a small ring
Instead of a stud
She assured me that it wasn't too painful
And that it would all be over in a split second 
Then she did it 
She pierced my nose
And holy hell people
It didn't half hurt!
My gut reaction was to pull her hands away from me 
But thankfully the pain didn't last
And it was all over before I knew it

Terry secured the ring in my nose 
And I went to the mirror to have a look
I love it!
It's subtle 
Just what I was looking for
Terry suggested that I don't get any more piercings on my face
As my face is 'too soft'
And suggested that I go to town on my ears
One thing is for sure 
I will definitely be back for more
I've been bitten by the bug

Terry herself was amazing
She talked non stop for the whole time we were there
At one point she noticed my psoriasis
And have me the number of a homeopath who works wonders
She told us how she used to suffer with depression
And how she tried everything
Including medication
But nothing helped until she went to this man
It was funny
It was like she knew that we were struggling with some of the same issues she was 
It was like she sensed it somehow
You know how they say people can recognise their own traits in others
Well that was what it was like

I was so relieved when the whole thing was over
And do delighted that I had gone through with it
My sister was snapping away on my phone the whole way through
A picture paints a thousand words....













Tuesday, 25 August 2015

The Piercing

I rang the piercing studio today
It's called Zombie Dolls
I plan to go there tomorrow
It's about a half hour drive
And my sister is going to come with me
My Mother is horrified that I am getting it done 
But I'm hoping she'll come around 

I have to admit
I am both nervous and excited
I asked the girl how painful it is to get just below the lip pierced
She didn't lie
And told me it would hurt
Albeit for just a split second
She told me they its all over very quickly
Iike to think that I have a high pain threshold
I guess I'll find out tomorrow 

I'm thinking that it can't be any worse than the dentist 
I've sat through many an hour in the dentists chair over the last 12 months
So I'm hoping that this will be nothing like that 

I've actually wanted to get this done for years
But never got around to it
I'm hoping it will all be ok
And that I will like it 
However 
It is a piercing
And if I don't like it
I can remove it with relative ease

With all that said
I was wondering about you
Did you find your piercings painful?
Have you had the one that I am getting done?
Just below my lower lip
Did you find it very painful?
Have you any tips or tricks to look after it?
Inquiring minds want to know....

Puppy Love....

Me and my two best girls
Honey and Lea
Who keep me going when I think I can't go on
Who greet me as though they haven't seen me in years every time I walk in to the kitchen 
Who sit by side 
Lie at my feet
Walk with me every morning
Who are never more than a few feet from my side 
I'm telling you 
Dogs are the best medicine I've ever had
Better than any drug
Any anti depressant
Any upper or downer
And sedative
Or sleeping tablet
If you want to improve your health
Physical and mental
Get a dog 
Or a cat 
Or a ferret
Or a hamster 
Something that you have to look after apart from yourself 
I promise you
What you give 
You will get back one hundred fold

They say in recovery 
That in order to understand responsibility
You should first get a plant
Keep it for a year 
And if that is successful
Get a dog
If that works out
You are then ready for a relationship

I can't begin to tell you how having two dogs has helped me 
They take me out of myself 
They remind me to keep life simple
To value what matters 
To be kind 
And loyal

Do you remember 18 months ago
When I went in to treatment for the umpteenth time 
My poor Lea fell in to a depression
And her fur began to fall out 
It continued until she had a huge bald patch on her back 
It wasn't until I came home
And began to recover myself
That Lea began to recover too
I find that utterly amazing 
That my illness effected her so much 
And manifested in a physical way

So yes 
My two buddies
My best friends 
My constant companions 
Ever by my side
I can only hope they live for another few years
As I would be truly lost without them 




Monday, 24 August 2015

Hermit

It seems that I struggling to get out and about
And do my normal daily activities
More and more 
I am refusing invitations to go places
Opting to stay at home
And drift in and out of sleep
I haven't been to a meeting in weeks
I didn't go to my nephews birthday
Didn't go and see his flying lesson 
Missed various trips and meals out
It just seems to be getting harder and harder to push myself out of the comfort zone that is my house

What I am doing
Is getting up really early in the morning
Doing everything I need to do 
Like walking the dogs and shopping
Having it all done before 10am
Then heading home
And spending the rest of the day there
Barely moving from my seat on the mat in the living room
I only go from them kitchen to make tea
Frequent trips to the bathroom because of said tea
And back to my mat 
I am literally going around in circles over here

I'm not seeing friends 
I'm spending more and more time alone 
Even speaking less and less
Yesterday we went out for lunch
And I decided to go as it was my Auntie B's last day
But oh my God 
What a palava to get out of the house
It was lashing rain 
And all I wanted to do was put on a tracksuit 
And zone out in front of the TV
But I went 
And tried my best to be sociable
I won't go so far as to say I enjoyed it 
More like endured it
I had no appetite 
And ate very little
And purged what little I did eat
I was just glad to get home 
Put on my pyjamas 
And pretend the world didn't exist 

I don't know what it is 
I mean
My mood is ok
Things should be ok
But as ever  
I  am creating problems where there are none 
I think they call that the art of over thinking
Every time I leave the house 
I just can't wait to get home
I say it's because I want to get back to the dogs
And it is
But it's more that I want to get away from whatever situation that I am in
I just can't handle life outside the little bubble that is my house

I guess it could be due to the fact that I'm trying to avoid so many people
The Boy
The Plumber
The Shopkeeper
People I used to use with 
It's like being in a real life computer game 
Avoid the gremlins
And I gain more points
It's just a pain in the ass
I want to be able to go wherever
Whenever I want
I don't want my house to become a prison
I want to want to just be a normal
Oh to be normal
And not batshit crazy
However 
I hear that normal is over rated
So maybe I am better off
I don't know

My doctor is off again this week 
So I saw Nice Woman Doctor again this morning
And will also be seeing her next week
As my doctors day is packed with appointments already
I briefly told her about what's going on
How I'm supposed to be starting a course next month
And I don't know if it's going to happen
Because of my disabity being cut
She wrote me a letter 
Saying that the course would be of Therapeutic value for me 
So now I have two letters 
So hopefully that will do the trick
I had resigned myself to the fact that the course wouldn't happen
But now I really want to do it
I mean
What else will I be doing?
I think it will be good for me

I left the doctors with my letter
And headed to the chemist to pick up my meds
Then at 9 30am
I had an appointment with Breda
My addiction counsellor
After going through a stage of cancelling my appointments
I am now making an effort to keep them
I only see Breda every two weeks
And she is really helpful 
Very practical
And very straight which I appreciate
I td her about struggling to leave my house
And not going to meetings 
I described how my problem is actually getting out the front door
Once I am out the door 
And in my car
I am fine
It's the anxiety of thinking about it before hand that gets me
Usually the event itself is fine
And I wonder why I was so anxious in the first place 
She suggested that I make a daily plan
And try and pace myself 
And also go to a meeting as soon as I can
As the longer I leave it
The harder it will be to go back

I also told her about Mums retirement do
And how I had two drinks
I linked that to the stress I felt about making the speech
And even when it was over
I still wasn't out of the woods
She asked me why I took on making the speech if it caused me so much stress 
I told her that everyone else refused to do it
And I wanted to do it for Mum
Breda mentioned that I need to be assertive in these situations
And I know that
It's just really tough sometimes to say no

But all in all 
It was a positive session
Breda told me that I am doing well
And life is getting better for me
There are just a few tweaks I need to make
She asked me how my eating is going
And I was pleased to report that it is going well
I'm not starving or binging
My weight is stable 
Yes, I purge from time to time
But nothing like the way I used to
Breda told me that I look really well
And I was able to take the compliment and thank her
And things are going well ED wise
My weight fluctuates a lot
But I haven't been underweight in over a year
I think back to that time
And the never ending binging and purging
What a miserable existence
I'm surprised that my heart didn't give out
And I didn't drop dead from all the stress I put on my poor body
But the great thing is
That I don't hate my body the way that I used to
I am a healthy weight for my age and height
I am curvy
I have boobs and a bum
I can now fill out a pair of jeans
And you know what?
I don't mind it
When I'm in the shower 
I notice my thighs
And they are shapely
Like a grown woman is supposed to me
I don't live it
But I don't hate it either 
I am learning to accept it
And go by how I feel
Rather than what I look like

I'm sure you have noticed that I don't write about my ED half as much anymore
This blog started out as an ED blog 
And it will always be one to a certain extent 
But now I have so many other things to write about 
Like life 
And everything it throws at me
It's amazing to not have my ED controlling me
In everything I do
It doesn't dominate my life any more
More and more it's becoming a smart part of my life 
Amen to that 

So yes
I know what I need to do to get back on track
I will do my best to get to a meeting this week
I will make a daily plan
And use my tools to manage stress and anxiety
I have come too far to turn back now
I know that with a little bit of effort
Life could be so much better 
So much more fulfilling 
I know that just as quickly things can go pear shaped 
They can also turn around just as quickly
I have the awareness
The knowledge
And the skills and tools to improve myself
I have the ability
I just need to knuckle down and do it

I know that a lot of you are struggling right now
With various different issues
I just want to tell you today to never give up
As long as we are alive
There is hope 
Hope for a better life
For better mental and physical healthy
No matter how low you go
There is always a way back up
I promise you that 
I had written myself off as damaged goods
A failure 
A mistake 
I though I would die young 
Heck, I wanted to die
I couldn't handle life 
Reality
And everything that went with it
I felt so lost 
So alone 
My blog and my dogs and my family are the only things that kept me going
My ED was killing me slowly
And I welcomed it
But now 
Now things are so much better
My life has taken a complete 180
And it wasn't until I started to feel better that I realised how bad I had been
My depression lifted
My anxiety lessened
And the incessant binging and purging came to a screeching halt
My quality of life has improve so so much
I think back to a couple of years ago
And I had all but given up
So my message to you today is to keep going
Keep the faith
Keep hoping
And believing
Know that there is a way out
There is life after addiction and mental illness 
And it is a life rich with love, laughter and fun
Don't give up
That's exactly what your ED wants you to do
Don't give in to her
Don't forget that you are a good person
You are worthwhile 
You do matter 
You are special 
So please
Today
Go easy on yourself 
Take some time to be kind to you
To be gentle in you
Because you matter 
I promise you that


Sunday, 23 August 2015

Reminders

Every time I smell hairspray
It reminds me of my dancing days
And ballet exams
Spraying and lacquering our hair until it was rock hard

Every time I see tinfoil
It reminds me of smoking black tar heroin
Running the lighter under it
Until it melts and bubbles
And the smoke wafts off it

Every time I eat a raspberry 
I am immediately transported back to my childhood
And the raspberry and red berry bush in our back garden
Never ending sunny days
Lying on the lawn 
With the grass tickling our feet

Every time I'm in Dublin
And I smell the hops from the Guinness store house
It reminds me of my using days
Getting off the bus at Heuston station
Walking by the old hospital
All the way down the quays 
Until we reached Thomas Street
Where we scored 
And went and cooked it up in the flats 

Every time I eat a scone
It reminds of when I lived with my ex-boyfriend
When we didn't have a penny
Because it all went on drugs 
And we made crude buns out of flour and water 
Because we had no other food

Every time I smell chlorine
It reminds me of swimming competitions
Of Lining up to race
And the butterflies in my tummy

Every time I see a green jeep
It reminds me of The Boy
Of driving around
Drinking poppy tea
And drifting in and out of reality

Every time I smell vodka
I'm reminded of the first time I got drunk
When me and my best friend raided her Mothers drinks cabinet
I woke up the next morning in a pool of vomit
We were 14

Everytime I wake up in the middle of the night
It reminds me of the days 
When I was sick from drugs
When my whole body ached
And sleep was an impossibility

Every time I hear the Friends theme tune
It reminds me of the late nineties
Watching my favourite show on a Monday night
Then having to wait a whole week for the next one

Every time I bag up my rubbish bin
It reminds me of the times when my boyfriend and I used to bag up heroin to sell
Then ended up taking it all ourselves 
I was always a greedy addict

Every time I hear the Drake song 'Coming home'
It reminds me of my last stint in treatment
When I heard that song
And wished I was home

There are things everywhere that remind me of my past
Some welcome 
Some not so much
It's amazing the way a smell
Or a taste 
Or a feeling 
Can bring me right back to a place in time
Right back to a child
To an addict
To a teenager
All the lives I have lived
It's hard to be reminded
But I welcome it
I don't want to forget where I've come from
What I've been through
It's taken every experience I've ever had
To get me where I am today
I don't resist it 
I welcome it


Saturday, 22 August 2015

Cosmetic surgery, yay or nay?

According to a Glamour body image survey, 97% of women admitted that they have at least one negative thought about their body image every day
Ninety
Seven
Per cent
And men are not immune either
According to the National Eating Disorder   Association, 43% of men are dissatisfied with their bodies
Stark numbers
But honestly
It doesn't surprise me
We are bombarded with so many images of the perfect body every single day
On TV
In magazines
On the Internet
Often bodies that are utterly unattainable for the average person 
It's really no wonder that we have such poor body image 

I was watching a show the other morning
And the topic was cosmetic surgery
There was a 19 year old girl being interviewed
She had her first cosmetic procedure when she was just 18
Filler put in her lips 
They showed before and after photos
To me she looked beautiful before she had the procedure
She said that after she had her lips done
She took over 300 selfies
Trying to take the perfect photo
There was also a cosmetic surgeon being  interviewed 
He said it was common for people to bring in photos of celebrities 
And ask to look just like them

If you ask me 
I am nay in the whole debate
But that's nay for me
I have no problem with anyone else doing it
I just think it's very noticeable when someone has cosmetic surgery
You know that kind of stretched face look
When eyes are pulled up
And there is not a line or wrinkle in sight
The Botox look is especially noticeable
When someone can't move their face
Because they have injected so much of the stuff

I guess if you don't agree with altering your face or body
You could also throw make up and hair dye in to the equation
I have no problem with either of these
They are temporary
They can be removed with relative ease
And they are not invasive 
Unlike cosmetic surgery 

Although I've sufferers badly with body image over the years
I've never hated a part of my body so much that I considered cosmetic surgery
Not saying I didn't hate my body 
I did 
I guess it just never crossed my mind
It wasn't the done thing
At least in my part of the world 
I just wanted to be smaller
Thinner all over
And as far as I know there is no cosmetic procedure for that
Of course I've looked in the mirror
And wished away my bulging belly
And thunder thighs
But I don't ever recall thinking that I would like to have cosmetic surgery

Someone who springs to mind when I think of cosmetic surgery is Heidi Montag
Some of you will know her from the reality show The Hills
I think she was so beautiful before she had the surgery
Young 
Fresh faced
The typical all American girl
I think she had far too much done
And barely looks like herself anymore

Image result for heidi montag
Before surgery



Image result for heidi montag
After

A woman called Jae West took matters in to her own hands recently
Jae is a body image activist
From Australia
She stood in Piccadilly Circus
In just a bikini and a blind fold
With a sign say that she was doing this experiment for people with bad body image 
And those suffering with eating disorders
She herself is in recovery
The sign Also asked people to draw a love heart on her in solidarity
She held markers in each hand
One by one people came up and drew hearts on her
You can see a video of it if you Google her

 Jae West took to Piccadilly Circus wearing nothing put her underwear to promote self-acceptance 

With all that said
I was wondering about you
Are you yay or nay in the whole cosmetic surgery debate?
And why?
Have you ever considered cosmetic surgery?
If so
What would you like to have done?
Answers on a postcard please....