Saturday, 4 July 2015


My interview with Levant Tv is on line now
And in the Levant Tv home page
The programme is called Her Voice
It's about an hour long
And my interview is about three quarters of the way through
You can also find it here.

Let me know what you think.....

Dress Dilemma!

I need your help today
I am going away for the weekend next weekend
Up to my uncles 
And we are going to the theatre on the Saturday night
To see a west end production of Mama-Mia
I'm really excited to go
And bought a shirt dress from Brakeburn to wear
Here in lies my dilemma
What to wear it with it
You will see photos of said dress with bare legs
And with jeans
I'm not overly happy to get my bare  legs out 
As I HATE my legs
I think they have absolutely no shape to them
But I am wondering what you think
Which do you prefer?

It just hit me that the biggest problem I have today is what to wear to the theatre
First world problems right there!
My problems used to be alternately trying to kill myself
And trying to stay alive
Today is a good day.....

Friday, 3 July 2015


As you know 
I have two dogs
They couldn't be more opposite
Honey is bold and cheeky and great fun
Lea is quiet and loyal obidient
I can not even describe in words how much they both mean to me
And how they have been instrumental in my recovery

Honey is like me
In that she loves her food
And I mean she loves it
She's always been a bit on the tubby side
The last time we were at the vet we were told she needs to lose a coue of kilos 
And recommended diet dog food
Honey was not impressed 
She loves her meats and sauces 
And has is quite partial to a biscuit too

Honey and Lea sleep in the utility room
Honeys bed is tucked under the counter
And Lea's is at the other end 
We also keep our paper bin in the utility room
A buckets to keep paper, wrappers and packets that are to be recycled
This morning I got up 
Opened the door to the utility room
And found the following
Honey in her bed
With an empty wrapper of digestive biscuits beside
Now I must stress 
She didn't eat the packet of biscuits 
She just ate the crumbs
But I still thought it was so funny
She often does this 
I have found her with a packet of ham before
So I think Honey might be a binge eater 
Maybe she should start her own blog....

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Days like these....

I'm not feeling great today
I have this most awful feeling of dread hanging over me 
It's hard to be positive all the time
It's hard to look on the bright side 
I just have this horrible feeling that something terrible is going to happen
Or that  maybe it already has 

As you know
My meds have been increased
And I'm still adjusting to it
The increase in my methadone has been substantial
And has been making me very drowsy
Yesterday for instance
I took my meds as prescribed
And yet by mid afternoon
I was on the nod 
Falling asleep
And generally feeling a bit out of it
I've been so sleepy 
That I felt like I have used something
And it's no different to when I was misusing my meds 

There's other things too
I've cancelled a couple of reflexology appointments recently
And today got a text from the lady  saying that there was no point in continuing 
And to contact her when I felt better
I felt really bad about this
As I feel like I've messed her around 
Even though she sent me a lovely text
And told me to take care of myself 
I still feel really guilty that I have messed that relationship up

I guess I'm feeling like I mess everything up
That I burn bridges 
Mess people around 
And generally royally f**k up everything I do

I spoke to my mother this morning
Told her how I was feeling
She reminded me about what I said in my interview the other day
That slips and relapses are part of recovery
And it doesn't mean failure 
It's just a bump in the road 
She told me to concentrate on one thing at a time
And asked me what do I want to sort out first
My meds are the first thing that come to mind
But I don't know what else I can do there
I mean
I am taking them properly 
It's just that I am on too much now
I guess I could talk to my doctor
Or maybe I just need to wait until I get used to the new dose 
I don't know 

It's days like this that I really struggle 
I haven't been to a meeting
I'm feeling sorry for myself 
And it's on days like this
That I go from zero to suicidal in a matter of minutes
My mother reminded me that I am doing ok
To think of this time last year
When I was really struggling
And that's true
There have been many struggles overcome
But on days like this
It's very hard to see past the negative

The thing is 
That I want to be a good person
I want to do the right thing
My fear is that I  am not ill 
And am in fact a bad person
A selfish person
And I don't want to be

So what to do on a day like this?
I guess recognise that this is a bump
A slip 
It's just how I am feeling today
And feeling fantastic every moment of every day is allowed
Even the most grounded and well adjusted person has a bad day
Everyone has bad days 
And that's ok
It's all part of life

So yes
Acknowledging I'm not ok
Giving myself space and time to feel like this
Without trying to cheer myself up
Or force myself to be happy
Talk to someone 
Talking really does help
Providing your speaking to someone who has your best interests at heart 
Blogging helps me massively 
I know that when I am finished writing this post
I will feel heaps better
And later on when I get get some comments
And I don't feel so alone
That will make my heart swell
And remind me that I have so many people cheering for me
And willing me to do well

I guess on days like this
We take extra care
We are kind to ourselves 
We are gentle with ourselves 
We remind ourselves that it's baby steps we need to take
And that we are in fact, exactly where we should be
So today I will take care
I will walk my dogs 
Write my blog 
Sit in the sun and read my book
Eat properly 
And generally take it easy on myself
Try to at least

With all that said
I was wondering about you
How do you get through days like these?
What helps you?

Sans Scale

Giving up my weighing scales 
Has turned out to be one of the better decisions I have made in recent times
I admit it
For the first few days
I missed it
And spent many hours wondering what I weighed 
But now I'm on Day 10
And I feel like I'm past the withdrawal stage 
And reaping the rewards of not weighing 

Weighing was one of the first things I did of a morning
I woke up 
Used the bathroom
And stood on
In the milliseconds that it took the number to flash up
I said a quick and pleading prayer to whatever God was in duty at that time to please show a nice number a safe number 
Or an acceptable number 
Then I would squeeze my eyes open
And peep down at the number 
That number
Dictated my mood 
My self esteem
And self worth for the whole day
There have been times when I sobbed on my bed room floor 
Cursing the scale and my big anorexic ass
How dignified
Who ever said eating disorders were glamorous
Come walk a day in my shoes

I just wanted to say that I really recommend getting rid of the scale
In the past year 
I have got rid of two scales 
The first one was thrown in to the lake near my house 
(Sorry Mother Nature!)
And I took a hammer to the second one
Each time I went back to the scale 
Replacing the ones that were destroyed
Like a slave 
I kept going back

I can honestly say that I don't miss the scale
Not one little bit
The initial few days were tough
As I imagined that without my scale
I was putting on weight by the hour
I am going by how I feel
Rather than what I look like
And I feel pretty ok
Most of the time
So let's go with that 
And also my clothes still fit
So I am not going to freak out just yet

So all in all 
Getting rid of the scale has been very positive
It's freeing 
It's liberating
It's cathartic
It's breaking the ball and chain that is the scale
It's taking back control 
It's saying that I don't want to be a slave to the scale any more
It's taking a stand against your ED 
It's measuring your worth by how you live your life 
And not measuring your worth in pounds and ounces 
So if you are thinking about it
All I can say is

I promise you
You won't regret it ....

Monday, 29 June 2015

The Interview....

As you know
A lady called Dyna Fayz contacted me from Levant Tv
Levant Tv is a Middle Eastern tv station based in London
They were doing an item on eating disorders
And having found me through my blog 
Dyna wanted to know if I would speak to them
Along with a psychiatrist and the mother of a young girl with an eating disorder
I spoke to Dyna last week
She outlined what the discussion would revolve around
And what questions I may be asked
It all sounded really exciting
So I agreed to do it
Dyna informed me that the show was to be recorded yesterday
When they would ring me
And I would participate by phone
I also supposed them with a photo they could show their viewers while I was speaking

Over the weekend 
I wrote out some flash cards for myself
Subjects and topics and words to trigger my brain as to what to speak about 
Yesterday morning 
I saw my doctor
Collected my meds
But did t take any
As I wanted to be as alert as possible
Dyna was due to ring at 3 30pm
So my day was spent worrying and fretting
And generally being all over the place
I arranged my notes on the coffee table
Asked my Mum to stay in the room with me
And waited
Half past three came and went 
My nerves were shot
After 4pm
I got the call
A disembodied voice asked me to hold on for Dyna
I could hear the other interviews taking place
Mostly the psychiatrist
After another lengthy wait
I finally was put on to Dyna

I was super nervous
And I could hear the shake in my voice
She started off by asking me a bit about my story
I couldn't tell you what I said
It was all a blur
I do remember trying to speak clearly and confidently 
I didn't use any of my notes 
And mostly spoke off the cuff 
The mother of the young girl also asked me some questions
About whether the negative voice in her daughters head would ever go away
I tried to be as honest as possible
To give a realistic account of what it's like to live with and recover from an eating disorder
The presenter asked the psychiatrist what advice he would give me
He simply said 

'Find out what you want to be and be it'

I thought this was good advice
And is exactly what I am trying to do at the moment 

And just like that 
It was all over 
I couldn't quite believe it
As I hadn't said half of what I had planned to say
There was so much more that I wanted to cover
Everything written on my notes
The interview lasted about fifteen minutes according to my Mum who was in the room with me
But it felt like seconds  
They told me they would send me information about when you the show is broadcast
We said goodbye
And that was it 

At first I felt disappointed
Because I didn't say half the things that I wanted to say
I felt I had said very little really
But my Mum assured me that I had covered quite s lot
How and ever
I did my best
And I just hope that it will help someone just a little bit

I was completely wound up after the interview
Full of nervous energy
I rang a few people to talk it over with
I feel really good that I did it
Because I was full of anxiety about it
I'm really looking forward to seeing it broadcast
And hopefully I can share it with you too

It just goes to show 
The amazing things that can happen through writing a blog
When you put yourself out there
Wonderful things can happen
I write my blog everyday
Sending my words out in to the abyss that is the internet
I never know who is going to read then
Who is going to comment
Or email
Or get in touch with me
I wake up every morning looking forward to reading my emails
As there is always something interesting to find 
The aim of my blog was always to help others and help myself in the process
I really feel like my story has a purpose
That there is a reason why all this happened
You know?
If you want to check out Levant Tv
They have a Facebook page 
But otherwise
I will post the link to the show when I get it
Here's hoping it all turns out ok.....

Good News!

Just a quick post this morning
Monday is doctor day as you know
My doctor wasn't very chatty this morning
He asked me how my week went
And how I got on with my new dose
I told him this week went better
But could he please not reduce my methadone this week
He agreed
Last week he said he was going to reduce it by 2mls a week
Which is quite a lot 
He made the point that we were hoping to be completely off it by next Christmas
And now that won't happen
I don't mind though
I would rather be on more methadone and be stable
Than be on less and messing around
So I am still on 36 mls
And that is just fine with me

I came home 
And wrote out some points for my interview this afternoon
They are going to ring me at 3 30pm
And my slot will last around fifteen minutes
I am super nervous 
I just hope I can do you all proud 
And speak honestly and openly
I will do my very best
That's all I can do

In other news
The postman came at about 11am
With One letter for me
My Mum left it on the coffee table for me
I immediately knew what it was
It was from my course
I slowly opened it
And scanned down through the writing
You know what?
I got in!!
I have my place on the course!
I am delighted to have made it on
Now I have some decisions to make
If I accept this place
My disability benefit will be stopped after one year
And I will have to go on Jobseekers
Who very much stay on your back about getting work 
When my payment is stopped
I can appeal it
But that is a nightmare of red tape that I don't want to go through 
The thing is
If my disability is stopped
It will be nigh impossible to get back on it
I was first put on this payment when I went in to hospital for the first time
My psychiatrist wrote to social welfare
And I was immediately put on disability
And it's great to be on it
As they really do leave you alone
No signing on
The money goes straight in to my bank account
No pressure from social welfare
And I also get a travel pass
Which saves me so much money
My case is reviewed every few years
And that is usually just routine questions 
So if I do this course
I will lose that payment
That security
And all the perks that go with it
It really makes no sense to me
But then that's this country for you

I do have other options
I could try and find another course
It's just that I had my heart set on this one
As its specifically for adults returning to education
It's part time
There's a lot of support
And it's near my home
I guess all I can do is find out all my options
Then make an informed decision
I have two months until the course starts
So I will try to make it work 

I am trying to kill time before my interview
It never ceases to amaze me
The things that have happened through my blog
It just goes to show
That if you are willing to put yourself out there
Wonderful things can happen....