Wednesday, 29 June 2016

The calm before the storm....

I have yesterday 
Today 
And tomorrow off work 
So far 
Work has been busy 
But manageable 
This Friday 
We are going to have 60 guests 
Many of whom are small children 
A full house 
So it's going to be mental to say the least
My new hours are now kicking in
So from this weekend 
My hours will be as follows 
4pm - 8pm Friday
8am-12pm Saturday
12pm-8pm Sunday
And 4pm - 8pm Wednesday 
This suits me fine 
About 20 hours a week 
And mostly weekends 
So I can fit all my other things around it
My only complaint is that myself and Sinead are not working together at all
We have become friends very quickly 
And text each other when we're not working 
Even though she is only 19
She is smart 
With a lot of common sense 
We get along great 
She texted me yesterday 
To let me know that a group of ladies who were staying with us 
Left a card with €125 in it for the staff
How lovely is that?
It just goes to show 
That people do appreciate your hard work 
That money will go towards a night out for the staff
And just the thought alone is so nice 
I really feel appreciated in work 
Which is such a good feeling 
Because often people don't give positive feedback 
So to get it is amazing 
And makes all my effort and hard work worth it 

Today being Wednesday 
I had horse riding this morning 
The centre is an hours drive from my house 
And today was the first day that I drove it myself 
My Mam came with me 
But I drove the whole way 
It's great to build up my confidence 
So hopefully when I pass my test 
Myself and Fintan can take turns driving 
But bloody hell 
There are some lunatics on the road 
Today 
I saw a man drive through a roundabout 
And another guy over took me on the left hand side 
My nerves were shot!
But I'm glad I did it 
I'm sure it will get easier and easier ea h time 

In other news 
I was in the supermarket with my Mam this week 
They were selling talking scales 
Holy shit 
I can't think of anything worse!
But I had a weak moment 
And put the scale in our trolley 
My Mam said nothing and just gave me a look
I was having a fight in my head 
About whether to buy it or not 
But in the end 
I put it back 
It was a moment of weakness 
And i came to my senses 
And I'm so glad I did 
Nothing wrecks my head more than weighing myself 
No good can come of it

I asked Eilish at riding today 
If it would be possible for me to do two lessons in a Wednesday 
Rather than one 
Just because I travel so far 
And having two lessons would make it more worthwhile 
Age said that it might be too much for me 
But she would think about it 
And maybe bring me out for a half day every week
That would be so brilliant If it worked out 
I just love being out there 
With the people 
Who have shown me what a true friend looks like 
The horses especially Star 
Who has gently coached me from my first lesson back in March 
There is no doubt about it 
Riding has been 
And continues to be a life line
Having made new friends 
At riding 
At work 
I now see that there are some people in my life who I would be better off without 
People who suck the life out of me 
And don't have my best interests at heart 
I know now that I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness 
I will not put up with people using me
Passive aggressively bullying me
Picking me up and putting me down when they feel like it 
No
I will not be a door mat any more 

Having said all that 
I was wondering about you 
Have you ever had to cut people out of your life?
Was it difficult?
And was it worth it?
Do you feel better off without them?
Inquiring minds want to know....

Monday, 27 June 2016

Appreciation

Even though it's Monday
I am finished work for the week
As I mainly work weekends 
And am not back in until Friday
The centre is busy these days 
About 35 guests in all
It doesn't sound like a lot 
And the capacity is 60
But there is still a lot of stuff to be done 
A guest usually stays full board 
So they get their room
A continental breakfast 
Including porridge, cereal and toast
The at 1pm
They get a three course lunch 
Of soup
Mains 
And dessert 
Then a hot tea at 6pm
It's down to me to get the dining room ready for each sitting 
And clean up afterwards 
Which includes doing all the dishes 
And there are a hell of a lot of dishes 
Then clean the dining room
And reset for the next meal
This week 
There was a group of 25 ladies all together 
Two couples 
And a single man 
It takes a while to get to know everyone
And some people you'll see more than others 
They all watched the Ireland match yesterday 
And we opened the bar for them 
I've never worked behind a bar before 
And I really liked it 
It was good to do something different 
And get out of the kitchen for a while

I mostly work with a girl called Sinead 
She is lovely 
And we get in great 
She is 19
But a very mature and savvy 19
Now we have got in to a good system of the way we work 
We are like a tag team 
We do everything together 
And have the craic too
Yesterday was a great day in work 
Myself and Sinead were doing the dining room after lunch 
When one of the ladies came in 
I saw her hand Sinead something 
That I thought was a five euro note 
Sinead wouldn't take it 
And either would I
But the guest insisted 
And told us to keep it for our selves 
Eventually we took the money 
Reluctantly 
And when I looked at it
I saw it was a €20 note 
I was shocked 
We both gave her a big hug 
And she thanked us for helping make their holiday 
How nice was that?
That's a big tip to me 
And means I have a little extra to get through the week 

Then after that 
I was in the office with my manager Georgina 
Trying to sort out my tax 
I was just heading out the door 
When she called be back and told me that I am doing a great job
She said that I am hard working 
Not afraid to muck in 
And that I ooze warmth and compassion 
I was blown away by this 
It was so lovely to hear
And in fact it was exactly what I needed to hear 
As I doubt myself so much 
And have regular crisis of confidence 
But they affirmation just made my day
I told Georgina that I thought the job was doing me the world of good 
And that I could feel my confidence getting better every day
She said she had noticed it too 
Then I got some more good news 
Like my day couldn't get any better 
Georgina told me that she's going to keep me on in September 
How awesome is that?
It's totally awesome!!

After that 
My shift was nearly over 
And all our work was done 
So I sat out the front and chatted to some of the guests 
There was one man called Gerry 
He told me that I am a very special person 
And gave me a big hug when I was leaving 
I left work on cloud nine 
With a warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy 
For the first time since I started work 
I really feel appreciated 
It's one thing getting paid for the work 
And of course that is why we do it 
But hearing the words of appreciation is just the cherry on the cake for me 
It makes it all worth while 
You know I just go about my business in work 
I'm friendly 
Chat with the guests 
And am always willing to do any thing to help out with them
Myself and Sinead are similar 
In that we both want to make their holiday a special one 
And will do anything we can to do that 
Because these are vulnerable people 
Who might not ordinarily get a holiday 
And that just makes me want to do more to make their stay a great one 
So yes 
Today was a good day 
The only thing I have to watch is my food 
I tend to be on the go for long periods of time 
And I can forget to eat 
But I feel so shit when I don't eat 
So I try and have something 
A small dinner 
Or a sandwich 
Something just to keep me going 
I need to remember that I am doing so much running around at work 
That I probably need to eat that but more 
Just to keep my energy up 
Anyway 
That's ok 
I'll figure it out 

Ok 
That's me for today 
I'm off to have a wee rest 
And a cuppa 
See you on the next post.....

Friday, 24 June 2016

Today.....

Today 
I am grateful for my health 
That despite the hell I have put my body through over the years
It has survived this far 
Relatively unscathed 

Today 
I am grateful for my family 
Even though we have been at logger heads over the years 
We still managed to get through it
And come out stronger than ever

Today 
I am grateful for my beautiful pups
Honey and Lea 
Who have been at my side for the past eleven years 
Always there 
So loving 
So full of joy 
They have saved my sanity countless times 

Today 
I am grateful for my job
It means so much to me 
That someone would take a chance on me and hire me
It feels amazing to be earning my own money 
It's doing wonders for my confidence and  self esteem 

Today 
I am grateful to you 
My blogger family 
Who have been there for me through out the last four years 
You have been there when I couldn't face real life 
And you became close friends and confidants 

Today 
I am grateful for my horse therapy 
I can recommend it enough 
I'm also so grateful for the friends I have made through riding 
It just goes to show 
If I am willing to push myself out of my comfort zone 
And try new things 
The pay off is huge 

Today 
I am grateful for my mental and physical health 
I leave work every day feeling so blessed that I have all my facilities in tact 
No everyone is so lucky 

Today 
I am grateful to clean and sober 
And ED free 
Or at least as free as I can be 
Removing drink and drugs from my life was the first step 
Then I had to learn how to live clean and sober 
Find new and healthy ways of coping 

Today I feel incredibly grateful
That I live in a country 
Where I am free to do and say as I please 
I live in a first world country
Where clean water 
And first class medical care is the norm 

Really and truly
I have so much to be grateful for 
I have everything I could possibly need or want 
And even though I've fought some tough battles over the years 
I wouldn't change one little thing 

What are you grateful for today?

Thursday, 23 June 2016

With friends like these...

I've always been someone who has a good circle of friends around me
In school 
And in work 
But as addiction and anorexia took hold of me 
I began to lose friends 
And of course 
These illness are all consuming 
So maintaining friendships was not high on my priority list
Then I moved here ten years ago 
So there was an opportunity to leave my old life behind 
And start afresh with a clean slate
I started going to meetings and support groups 
And formed a nice little circle of friends 
But 
As I struggled over the years
A lot of friends have come and gone 
I guess that's the nature of the beast
In the last few years 
I've tried a lot of different support groups 
And I've found that the lunch time AA meetings are the ones I get the most from 
I have good friends there 
Yes, they are a lot older than me
But I think I get on with older people for some reason
By the way 
When I was at the meeting on Tuesday 
My 'friend' was there again 
And again 
She announced to the room how I had filled out 
And then asked me for the name of the diet I am on 
People 
I despair 

Anyway 
Back to friends 
I always felt like I didn't fit in with the young crowd that go to NA meetings 
To the point that I have felt excluded and ignored 
So I stopped going to those 
I stopped trying to get people to like me
Stopped breaking my back to try and fit in and be liked and become involved 
I don't know why these people didn't accept me
For a long time it really bothered me 
I'd see on Facebook how they all went out 
Or were at a party or whatever 
But you know what?
I've stopped caring 
Caring what others think of me 
Whether they like me or not 
Whether I am good enough to be part of their gang 
I had enough of that in high school 
I'm not even about to get involved in that kind of shit 
So 
Since then 
I've adopted the attitude that I'm not going set myself on fire to keep someone else warm 
I'm not going to be a doormat in exchange for the fumes of friendship 
I now know that I am a good person 
A loyal friend 
And I have a lot of love to give 
If you don't want to be my friend that is perfectly fine
I won't take it personally 
I know it's not possible for everyone to like everyone 
And that is ok 

The reason I am writing about the topic of friends 
Is that I was talking about it yesterday with someone who I now consider a good friend 
And that is Fintan from horse riding 
I travel with Fintan every Wednesday morning out to horse riding 
We stop on the way 
And get a bag of carrots for the horses 
And we have a great ol' chat in the car 
So I've gotten to know my new friend quite well 
We have a lot in common 
And talk about a wide variety of topics 
Fintan is interesting and interested 
Which I always think is a good combination 
He was saying yesterday 
How lovely it's been to make new friends through riding 
And I agree 
I've met a few new friends through riding
Real, genuine, sound and salt of the earth people 
These are people who are all struggling with some kind of affliction
As I am 
Some have MS
Some have other physical conditions 
And they are some of nicest and kindest people I have ever met 
Now I know what true friendship looks like 
It's being there for someone 
It's keeping in touch 
Helping them out if needed 
It's also having someone to talk to 
Someone to laugh and cry with
Some one to face the ups and downs of life with 
I've also made friends at work 
Which is so great 
The people at work are so lovely 
I've been so lucky really 

Finding new friends has also high lighted how some of the people are not so much friends 
More users 
One person in particular 
Who basically blows hot and cold 
Rarely answers my texts and calls 
And when I do see her 
It's all about her 
I can now see that I deserve better than that 
Everyone does
So 
From now on 
I'm going to concentrate on cultivating the good friendships that I do have
It's about quality 
Not quantity 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
Do you have many friends in real life?
What do you think makes a good friend?
So you believe in quality over quantity?
Have you ever been messed around by a so called friend?
What did you do about it if anything?
Inquiring minds want to know.....

Monday, 20 June 2016

Doctor

As I wrote in my last post 
I did a really silly thing yesterday 
And accidentally took two days methadone 
Instead of one 
It was a genuine mistake 
I had just come in from work 
Was very tired 
And just didn't think 
I then panicked 
As I realised that I was now one day short 
I am not working until 5pm today
And I had no appointment with my doctor 
And knew I wouldn't get one 
So I decided to head to the surgery first thing this morning 
And bypassed the receptionist 
And went and sat outside my doctors room 
I know that's a bit cheeky 
But it was a special circumstance 
He came in with his first patient 
And have me a nod when he saw me 
When the patient came out 
He called me in 
I apologised for ambushing him first thing on a Monday morning 
And explained it was a bit of an emergency 
I told him what I had done 
And thankfully he understood 
And write me out a new script straight away 
This has never happened me before 
And I was so glad that he saw me 
And believed me 
As I'm sure it could have looked like I was just looking for me meds 
I was very grateful though 
They he saw me 
And gave me the script with no questions 
I thanked him for seeing me 
And went in my way 
guess I am very lucky 
That I have a great relationship with my doctor 
And he will see me at a moments notice 
I know that it is not typical that a doctor will do that 
But 
I have been seeing him every week for over ten years 
And I don't cause any trouble 
Yes 
I can be awkward when it comes to reducing meds 
But I am always honest with my doctor 
And I don't take the piss at all
I'm incredibly grateful to have an understanding and empathetic doctor
Not every one does 

In other news 
I have had a lot of very interesting and insightful comments on my blog over the last few days 
It seems like the direction of my blog is changing 
And so are my readers and comments 
After my last post about horse riding 
And the instructor 
Someone left a very interesting comment 
I think it was Shelby if I remember correctly 
She wrote about how people outside of family, therapists, nurses and doctors 
Can be opinionated 
Bossy 
Rude even 
But that's life for you 
I think it's a very interesting point 
Thus far 
The people I have encountered 
Are mostly family of course 
My doctor 
My psychiatrist
My counsellors 
Staff in treatment centres 
People who care 
And are very kind and gentle 
Now I am out in the big bad world 
Working 
And putting myself out there a lot more 
So of course I am meeting a wide variety of people 
And not everyone is as tuned in to me as say my family 
And that's perfectly fine 
I don't tell everyone I meet about my issues 
That wouldn't be right 
So people can be assholes 
That's life
Thankfully 
The people I've encountered so far 
Have been amazingly friendly and kind 
Especially at work 
My co workers are so lovely 
Always willing to help out 
And good craic too
But of course I have met some people who aren't so nice 
Not so much in work 
But in every day life 
And that's fine 
It's unrealistic to presume that we will get on with everyone 
Not everyone will get on
And not everyone will like us 
That's just the way it is 

So yes 
My life is a hell of a lot more interesting  now 
I am making new friends 
My confidence is growing a little bit every day 
And it feels so good to have s purpose 
A reason to get up in the morning 
To have my own money 
That I earned and worked hard for 
It's such a satisfying feeling 
And also having a pay cheque every week is a bonus 
Actually having a bit extra money is amazing 
I don't have to scrimp and save
And I can treat  myself now and again 
So all in all 
Life is good 
My life is full 
With work 
With my hobbies 
Horse riding 
Writing 
My dogs 
I feel good 
Fulfilled 
Content 
Happy even 
Long may it last.....

Saturday, 18 June 2016

Lady

I went horse riding again today
At the stables near my house
Today I was on Lady
Who is in fact Rayons mother
Rayon you might remember from last week who was like a bolt of lightening he was so fast
I was in a class of four today
With Lisa 
Who you might also remember from last week 
Who is the ex show jumper 
Chloe who actually works at the stables 
And another kid whose name I didn't get
Right from the start 
I felt way out of my depth
All these girls had been riding for years 
And here I was with less than four months experience 
Trying my best to keep up
Roisin was out instructor again today 
This lesson feels a lot different from the horse therapy I do on a Wednesday 
I feel a lot more pressure at these lessons 
To perfect things 
And to get things right 
Horse therapy is so much more gentle and relaxed 
Of course we try and do things right there too
But these lessons are definitely proper lessons 
So yea 
I did feel like I was trying to keep up today 
I'm really trying to work on my canter 
Roisin tells me I am bouncing rather than sitting in 
At one point she said everyone was sitting in except for me 
That didn't help my confidence much 
But then again 
At another point she said I was doing well for a beginner
I would love to ask Roisin if it is worth my while keeping it up 
I mean shit
I know I'm never going to be a champion horse rider 
But it would like to know if I am making progress 
As I am trying really hard 
And it's always nice to get some positive feedback 
I forgot to ask Roisin today 
But I will definitely ask her next week
I just want to know that all my hard work is not in vain 
And I am at least improving A little 

I came home feeling a bit deflated after the lesson 
And did something incredibly stupid 
I was measuring out my methadone 
Thinking I only had today's and tomorrow left 
And accidentally took two days instead of one
Which leaves me with no methadone for Monday 
How stupid of me 
Now I'm going to have to get to the doctor on Monday
Which is a right pain 
But I can't go without it 
It had to be done 
So needless to say 
I am not having a good day so far 

Roisin tells me that cantering should be easier 
But I feel like I am bouncing quite a lot m
I try to sit in
And do the things that Roisin shouts at me 
But I just felt like a total numpty today 
In comparison with the others 
I had a chat with my Mam when I came home 
She thinks I put too much pressure on myself 
She is not wrong 
I am very hard on myself 
And I want everything done yesterday 
I have to remember to pace myself 
To allow myself time to learn and improve 
I mean I do love it 
But I probably  enjoy horse therapy more 
I know some of you have experience with horses 
Don't was wondering if you had any advice 
For someone whose confidence is at an all time low 
I want to ask for feedback from the instructors 
But part of me is afraid they are going to say that I should probably not give up my day job
I don't know 
I guess I am just having a rough day 

Below are some photos from today 
I keep forgetting to get a photo when I'm on the horse 
The first ones are of me and the beautiful Lady 
The last couple are of myself and Lady
And Lisa and Rayon

Also 
Any tips and advice on riding are very much appreciated 









Friday, 17 June 2016

A weighty issue

After posting the photos I took yesterday on my blog 
I became slightly paranoid
I worried what people would think about the way I look
Would they think I was chunky?
Too big?
With big boobs and big hips
I wasn't happy with the photos 
But then I never am 
So I posted them anyway 
As I haven't posted a photo in quite a while 
I have no earthly clue what I weigh
And haven't weighed in a couple of months 
I do get curious from time to time 
But I really do think I am better off not knowing 
Ignorance is bliss and all that 
The last time I weighed I was X kilos
Putting me at a BMI of 19-20
I can live with that 
That is healthy 
I don't try to control my weight anymore 
I don't watch what I eat
I don't restrict or cut out any food groups 
I allow myself sweets and treats 
I believe everything in moderation
Including moderation
As for my weight 
Well
I guess I am going by how I feel 
Rather than what I look like
Or what I weigh
And I do feel good 
I do feel healthy
And my clothes still fit perfectly 
So I am happy enough with that 
I can't lie though 
Sometimes I get a huge urge to weigh myself 
And I plan to buy a set of scales 
But 
I soon come to my senses 
And realise that would be a step back

I am slowly but surely growing to accept my new body 
I am so used to bring small and weak
But at the moment I am strong and fit 
Horse riding is helping me tone up
And I feel curvy and shapely 
My body image varies from day to day 
Some days I hate what I see in the mirror 
Some days I can't find a stitch of clothing that looks half decent on me 
Some days all I see are rolls of fat 
But I also have good days 
When I appreciate my hour glass figure 
When I can see how womanly my curves are 
When I can appreciate the marvellous instrument that my body is 
I no longer hanker after a stick thin body 
I no longer wish I was underweight 
Not only is it not a good look
It's down right unhealthy and dangerous 

So 
I will continue not to weigh 
As I no longer measure my self worth in pounds and ounces 
Sometimes I do think it would be nice to lose a few pounds 
But I thought that last year 
And ended up losing 12 kilos 
And relapsing quite spectacularly 
I really don't know if it's possible to lose a few pounds safety in recovery
I know I've never been able to do that 
Because I don't know when to stop
It's always a case of 'I'll just lose a couple more pounds' 
And before you know it 
Your hipbones are sharp enough to slice bread
And your clothes hang off you so much that you could be a west coast rapper
You know what?
I don't want to be pin thin
I know I can't be that way without being desperately ill
And more than that 
I don't want to be they way 
You know what happens when you are severely underweight?
People pity you 
And feel sorry for you 
I used to welcome that pity 
But not anymore 
No way 
I don't want pity or sympathy 
I don't want people to feel sorry for me
Yes I want to be liked 
But not at the expense of my health 
Now it really doesn't bother me if someone likes me or not 
I have enough people in my life who like and love me 
More than enough 

I am well at the moment 
The best I've been in a very long time 
So I am trying to keep doing the things that keep me well 
While trying to let go of those that hold me back 
It's a balancing act 
But I am incredibly grateful to have all that I have in my life 
I know I am blessed 
Yes 
I gAve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life 
But I've also been granted the strength to get through it 
I'm growing up 
I'm thriving right now 
Work is bringing out the best in me 
And I'm just so happy to be living my life 
And growing and blossoming as a person 
As woman 
As a daughter 
A friend 
A sister 
An auntie 
A horse rider 
A doggy mama 
A worker 
I am truly so much more than my illness 
I know that now 
My illness is now only a sliver of the pie that is my life 
How awesome is that......?