This is the end...

Hello friends

I’m afraid that time has come 

Time to say goodbye 

I rarely check blogger now

And life is shooting forward so much so that I don’t have time to write 

I may come back 

I may start a new blog

I don’t know yet

What I do know is that thi blog 

That I started writing in 2012

Is no longer a necessity in my life

And blogger seems to be dead in the water anyway

I guess this is a good thing 

I no longer need the support of writing 

I used to write every day religiously 

About my ED

But EDs no longer interest me the way they used to

When I was unwell

I spent my days watching documentaries 

Reading books 

Following blogs 

All about EDs

Maybe I’ve grown up 

I don’t know 

But I have moved on

19 years later 

It time to say goodbye

Before I go 

I do wanted to say a massive thank you 

To you 

To each and every one of you 

For reading 

For commenting 

For supporting me

Being kind to me 

For your friendship and company

Your love and support

You were there when I was at my worst

And I will never forget you 

 I also want to wish you well in your life 

I wish nothing but health and happiness for you 

You deserve it

You are worth it

Don’t ever doubt that 

You have helped me more than you will ever know 

Thank you 

I love you 

I will miss you

For the last time

See you in the flip side....

January 2018

Hello friends

Apologies for the lack of posts in December

It was a tricky enough month

Which saw me have a few drinks 

And then promptly stopped when I realized it was becoming more than an occasional thing

Christmas came and went 

I had one small meltdown 

Which didn’t last long and I got over it fairly quickly 

Food wise 

I am doing ok

Got out of routine g over the holidays 

But am now back on track

I saw my doctor yesterday 

While I was in the waiting room

I met a woman who I have seen in about a year 

She said to me

‘Have I got the right person? Are you Ruth?’

I was like em yea it’s me

She went on to tell that I looked like I had had a face lift 

This is also the woman who when I last saw her jiggled my arms and commented on my weight gain

But look

I don’t let these things bother me

If I let every little thing bother me I wouldn’t get very far

But I guess it just goes to show

Now these comments don’t bother me 

Where as a couple of years ago

They would have sent me over the edge

I keep in touch with Mary

She often asks me to help out with different media talking from my own point of view 

At the end of the month

I am giving a talk in a nursing college 

Which is really exciting

My Mam is also speaking

After all it is a family affair...

In other news 

I am still horse riding 

And still loving it 

My instructor tells me we will start jumping soon

Which is what I’ve been waiting for 

I just can’t wait 

I’ve been waiting since last May 

And now it’s finally happening!

Yay!

Up until last week

Things had been going great with Cocos owner 

We were talking 

And had a buddy in mind for Coco

It looked like it was really going to happen 

Until Wednesday 

When I rang him to tell him I had booked the farrier 

He verbally attacked

Told me I have my priorities all wrong 

And I should be getting a bridle for Coco before I do anything 

Told me I am full of ‘ buts and excuses’

And I need to look forward not back

The call ended with me telling him if he wanted a bridle to go and get one 

He promptly hung up on me

I was left stunned after the call

And became very upset

Cocos owner has often acted a bit odd

But this was another level

And it actually makes me think that he might be a bit unstable (Ha ha no pun intended)

That I should probably stay clear for a while  

So I haven’t seen Coco in a few days 

And am missing him a lot 

It’s not fair though 

I have put so much time and energy in to Coco

He has come such a long way 

But I have this complete asshole to contend with 

I’ve to consider whether it is worth it 

At the moment I don’t know 

One thing I do know is that he owes me a massive apology

I mean who does he think he is 

Not only to another person

But to the person who looks after your God damned pony!

I mean really...?

On the quiet I have been scoping out fields over in my area

Technically Coco belongs to the charity that rehomed him

So it might be a possibility to go through them

But we’ll see

I’m not rushing in to anything 

Anyway

This Is my life these days 

It mostly consists of fields, dogs, horses and the rest 

I’ve never been happier 

Or more content 

I hope all of you are doing ok

If I’m not friends with you on FB

Send me an email and I’ll send you my name so we can become friends 

How was your Christmas??

November

Another month

Another update

It's strange to think that I used to blog every single day 

Without fail

And given that I had no life to speak of

I don't know what I had to write about 

But as you know 

EDs are all consuming 

You eat or not eat, sleep and breathe it 

It's everything and yet it's nothing 

It seems to be the only important thing 

But when you take a step back 

You can see it for the life sucking, draining vacuum that it is

I don't preach 

And I don't tell people what to do recovery wise

I know everyone has to live their own life 

And let their own story happen 

Heck I was well in to my thirties when I finally began to recover 

I was lucky 

I had the combination of great support and an unwillingness to wither away the way I was 

I have to confess though 

I don't read any ED blogs any more 

I can't

It's too upsetting 

It's too triggering 

I've had to take that step away 

To protect myself 

I hope you understand 

But I am in touch with some of you on FB

And that is so great

There comes a point when your life is at across roads 

You get an opportunity to get well

 I had many 

And threw away many 

As you know I spent a long time in and out of hospital and treatment 

It took me a good few admisssiond to figure out that I do not do well inpatient 

That's ok

We are all individuals 

And we recover in different ways 

What works for me may not work for you

Look at addiction 

For the longest time 

All

I heard was that I had to go to meetings 

I went to a lot 

But still wasn't getting it

I don't doubt that they work for some 

But not for me 

I still practise the same ethos 

Helping others 

It in my case animals

And that works for me

You just need to find what works for you 

It's not always obvious

It's trial and error

But it's worth it

Every 

Single 

Time 

In other news

I am doing training to start work in the new year 

But I am undecided as to whether I will actually take the job

I have an urge to go back to finish off my horsemanship course

I feel stronger 

I think I might be able to do it now 

But there is something holding me back

Recently 

During horse riding 

I've been experiencing very low energy and fatigue

And have been pulled off the horse a few times 

My instructor tells me I need to figure out what's going on

And it's killing me that my body is getting in my way of doing what I love

I spoke to my doctor 

Who did blood work

And then started me on B12 vitamins and folic acid 

He also looked at my meds 

And reviewed the fact that I am on three very sedating meds

So he reduced the mirtazapine from 45mg to 30mg

And the methadone from 26mls to 24mls

So hopefully that will make a difference 

My doctor made the point that I used to need all those meds 

Way back when I was very unwell

But I'm doing better now

And so I guess we need to adjust and review

It's good though

It's progress

Moving in the right direction

Part of me would love to stay in my cosy bubble

But look that's not real life

Unfortunately 

Coco is well

He is quite the social media star now

And has his very own following on various FB groups 

Winter is coming 

And I'm hoping he'll make it through without any issues 

It's almost a year now since we first met 

And he has come on so much 

He has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 

To a happy, cheeky and very social wee fella

He loves my dogs 

Especially Lea 

And follows her every where 

We did have an incident last week

I had Coco out on the lane 

And at one point I unclipped his lead rope 

Usually he follows me 

But instead he turned on his heel 

And started trotting up the lane towards the road the monkey 

I remained calm and called him

Walked after him quickly 

He reached the road and stopped 

I continued to talk to him

And thankfully he didn't go any further 

But Jesus H Christ he gave me a hop

There you go though 

All in a Pony's days work

Really though I have a lovely bond with him now

He's quite the cheeky monkey now 

When he doesn't get treats he walks behind me and nudges me with his head 

Pushing me to give him something 

He's spoiled rotten bless him

My farrier has offered to take him

To put him on a diet 

And to start breaking him in

This is exciting news 

I just hope it happens as I think Coco had so much potential 

I think he'd make a lovely riding pony 

How great would they be?

To actually ride him

That's the dream right there

I'll leave you with a few photos from the last few weeks

Til next time.....

October Update: Part 2

Hello friends

I don't know how many people still read and follow this blog

It still gets a couple of hundred hits a day 

So I'm thinking there are still a few of you

This blog has changed since its birth some five and a half years ago

It was an ED blog

Thenna recovery blog

But now it's more like a life blog 

A living blog

A keep going despite everything blog

A don't give up blog

Life is good for me

And might I add I am the heaviest I've ever been and I couldn't give a hoot

When they need to remove a wall from my home to get me out of the house with a forklift 

Then I will worry

I can't remember if I wrote about what happened a couple of weeks ago at horse riding 

Anyway I'll you 

I was in a lesson with Fintan 

And from the start I didn't feel good 

We were trotting around the arena

And I started to feel very dizzy and weak 

My instructor realised and pulled me off the horse 

I was so disappointed 

I chatted to my instructor afterwards 

And she told me that the way I was going she wouldn't let me ride 

She asked if I was eating properly 

And the answer to that was a big no

She emphisised how important it is to eat correctly while doing such a physical sport

That right there was motivation enough to get me to sort out my food 

It wasn't that I was restricting or binging 

But I wasn't eating breakfast 

Or a solid lunch or dinner

I kind of just grazed through out the day

Picking and not actually eating proper meals

So

I had to make a very manageable and realistic meal plan

I now eat breakfast, lunch and dinner

And do my best to eat good healthy food

It has made a massive difference 

I'm a different girl

I have energy 

I feel more switched on

More able and capable 

And horse riding has become fun again 

I was there just yesterday 

And my canters went great 

My instructor told me that she can see the work I've put in and that we will be progressing now

I'm hoping this means I'll be jumping 

I can't tell you how excited I am for that!

Watch this space...

In other news 

Coco is well

He saw the farrier a few weeks ago

And was good as gold 

I've started bringing him for walks down the lane on the lead rope 

And he just loves it

He'll walk down no bother

But when I want to go back to the field 

He doesn't want to

And stands like a stubborn toddler

So I try reverse psychology 

And unclipped his lead rope and walk off

He immediately trots behind me

Apart from the day when he trotted past me and went heading up the lane towards the road 

I was freaking out 

But had to remain calm

I called him

He stopped and looked at me 

Then I remembered I had polo mints in my pocket 

I took them out and lured him back to the field with them

It worked thank God!

Relations with Cocos owner are not good

He is moody and unpredictable 

One day he's as nice as can be

Another day he is verbally attacking me

He's sarcastic in a mean way

And I'm starting to wonder if maybe he's not entirely well in the head 

He insists that I buy any tack or equipment that Coco may need 

Because he supplies the grazing 

Em excuse me

But last time I checked 

He is your pony

Yes I help care for him

Yes I am invested in him

But I've already shelled out money for food, for tack, for the farrier 

I won't be taken for a fool

Anyway 

Moving on

Here is the monkey man Coco...

 

   

October

Don't you just love Autumn?

I think it's my favourite of all the seasons

Today is the first of October

The leaves are falling 

The colours are beautiful

It's cold enough to wrap up in warm jumpers and scarves

Love it all!

September was a month of highs and lows

I finished work

I celebrated my birthday

Then

On the 17th

I travelled three hours away to Westport for a little holiday 

I've been talking about this holiday for quite some time

It's a package where you stay three nights in the hotel

And the manager of the hotel also owns stables so you can do a mountain trek one day

And a beach trek the next day

I brought my parents with me

And treated them

It felt so good to be able to pay for them

And it felt even better to organise my very own holiday 

And do exactly what I want to do

I've gone on holidays in the past 

But they were other people's holidays that I tagged along 

This holiday was all me!

We arrived Sunday afternoon

Checked in 

I handed over the guts of a grand in cash

That I worked hard all summer to save

I actually felt like a proper adult paying that bill

And to treat my parents was just great

We had two rooms 

Myself and Mam in one

And Dad in another

We settled in 

Then headed up for dinner

We actually stayed in this same hotel about ten years ago

At Christmas time

I was strung out at the time 

And didn't brings enough drugs or methadone with me 

And promptly went in to a severe withdrawal 

I'll never forget that night 

I thought I was going to die

Anyway 

Here I am ten years later 

Ten years older and wiser 

A long way away from that girl 

Michael 

The man who owns the stables 

Texted me to tell me he would pick me up the next morning 

And we would do the mountain trek first 

I woke up the next morning 

Full of excitement and nerves

I forced down a breakfast

Grabbed my hat 

And went to wait for Michael

He soon arrived 

And we headed out to the stables 

First impressions were not good

As Micheal was shouting at all the staff

And there was a very tense atmosphere 

I actually went outside and rang Mam 

I wasn't sure if I even wanted to continue 

As the whole place felt very hostile 

Anyway

I decided to give it a second shot 

I was shown what horse I was riding 

A massive boy called Pepper 

I mean he was enormous!

I was introduced to my guide Atulla 

Who was from Hungary 

And two others called Zena and Cynthia

Atulla brought me out to the outdoor arena 

And went over the trek etc

I decided I didn't want to canter that day

I said I would wait until the beach trek

A rare moment of restraint for me

So

We all saddles up and headed out

We were going to the foothills of a mountain called Croagh Patrick 

Which people climb in pilgrimage 

It was quite a long trek at three hours in all

It was just beautiful

The day was lovely 

Weather was great

We did a lot of trotting and walking 

A lot of chatting 

And of course lots of photos

Atulla was quite the character 

And kept us all entertained 

The trek up the mountain was quite precarious at times 

Drops either side

Rocky ground

But I thoroughly enjoyed it

We got back to the stables 

And Atulla gave me a lift back to the hotel

I was so glad that I didn't pull out 

I was so glad persevered

It was well worth it

I got back to the hotel 

Tired but happy 

I had a shower 

Changed my clothes 

And headed down to the harbour with Mam

I was really on a high 

And couldn't contain myself

That evening we had dinner 

And then went for a couple of drinks 

And to listen to the music 

I swear I was the youngest person there by about three decades

I was wrecked 

So went to bed early enough 

The next morning 

I was sore but not too bad 

Today were going to do the beach trek

And there was another lady coming with us

While I waited for Michael to pick me up 

I tried to figure out who she was 

Michael arrived 

And I met the lady called Jo

She was bright and bubbly 

And I liked her immediately 

We headed out to the beach 

Where Atulla was waiting with the horses

Who had been transported from the stables in a big horse box

Jo was riding Pepper today

Today I was riding a little cob called Charlie 

But what he lacked in size 

He made up for in personality 

He was full of character

I hopped up on a rock 

And on to his back

Straight away I could feel how keen he was to get going 

We arranged ourselves in to a line and headed out

Atulla was riding Sylvester

And also riding with us was Inaja

Who was riding Imp

The beach was vast and completely deserted

Again we were lucky with the weather 

From the start 

The craic was mighty

Jo was full of the joys 

And Atulla also kept us all entertained with jokes and taking the piss out of us 

But I must also say

When he needed to be serious

He most definitely was

He had the balance of fun and safety just right

We trotted the length of the beach 

Went through the water 

Up on the dunes 

On the rocks 

Then we came to a sort of circular area of beach 

And Atulla asked us if we wanted to canter

I did 

But Atulla said he would do it with me

So we cantered together around the circle 

Charlie was a total pocket rocket

God bless him he could move

Jo tried too

But it didn't quite work out for her

The weather was starting to turn 

So we began to head back 

We had to wade through the water again 

And the tide has come in

So because Charlie was so small

I was up to my knees in sea water 

Which the rest of them thought was hilarious 

I was soaked and the water was feckin' freezing 

But it was all part of the fun

We made it back to the trailer

Dismounted 

Led the horses back in 

Then we all piled in to the cab 

And headed back to the hotel

The trailer was ancient 

But we had the best of fun on the way back 

Chatting about the trek

If it was even possible 

It was better than the mountain trek

Our little holiday was over all too soon

But I thoroughly enjoyed it

And it gave me a fire in my belly to do more and more riding 

I left with precious memories 

And some beautiful photos

Also the knowledge that I made this happen 

It couldn't have gone better 

I have a lot more to write

But I think I will leave it there for today 

And try and post some photos to go with this post...

    

Autumn update

And so it is September

Where did the summer go?

I finished up work last Thursday 

So am a free little bird again 

I thoroughly enjoyed work this year

Once I got in to it

And got over my anxiety

I relaxed 

And just went with the flow

No panic

No stress

No worrying and questioning myself 

Not taking myself too seriously 

And just enjoying it

It's a lovely place to work

I made new friends 

My manager is a very fair and sound person 

And there is a very friendly and informal atmosphere 

My manger asked me if I was willing to do some work in the residential home for the elderly 

So of course I said yes 

It will most likely be covering people's holidays etc

But it's a start 

And a chance to get to know the residents and staff

So that's some good news

I finished work on Thursday 

Which was also my birthday

A double celebration 

For my birthday 

Myself Mam and Fintan went for lunch 

And on Saturday my sister brought me for lunch 

I got some lovely gifts

A parka jacket

Riding boots 

A t-shirt

I was well and truly spoiled 

I know a lot of people don't like birthdays 

But I love them

Maybe because you are made a fuss of in my house

Finishing up work was bitter sweet

It's nice to have more time 

To spend with my dogs and Coco

But I do miss it

I miss the people

The buzz of service 

Meeting new people

Our holiday centre is a very special place

It's run by a charity called St. Vincent de Paul

And it arranges holidays for those who ordinarily wouldn't be able to afford a holiday

It's nice to think we are helping people 

And we do our best to make their holiday a memorable one 

Next year I plan to work full time 

Which will be a challenge 

But one I really want to go for 

I find working part time 

I wasn't as clued in as I was when working full time

Like everything 

There are advantages and disadvantages 

I didn't get to visit Coco as much this summer

But now the season is over 

I am back to seeing him as often as his can

He is doing well

There are sheep in his field now 

And himself and Lea have great fun chasing them around the field

He saw the farrier this week

And was as good as gold

Our farrier offered to take Coco for a week

To begin breaking him in

This is fantastic news! 

And I am so grateful to the farrier

To think that I could ride Coco at some point in the future?

That right there is amazing

I can't wait!

I am still riding a couple of times a week

And slowly but surely improving

I'm learning all the time

The horses are great teachers 

Star my buddy is such a handsome boy

In other news 

I am heading away on a little trip tomorrow 

I am treating the parental unit to a three night break away in a hotel

I am going on a riding trek

And the 'rents are going to chill out

I'm very excited for the holiday

And I'm delighted to be able to treat my parents 

And after a summer of working hard 

It's a nice way to finish it off

I can't lie

I'm a bit nervous to ride a new horse 

But I will do my best 

And that's all I can do

Healthy wise 

Mentally I am doing just fine 

I'm finally in a place where I am content just to be me 

I don't want her bum

Her boobs

Her legs 

I am happy enough with my own thank you very much 

My body has changed a lot 

But I'm getting used to it

I feel a long way away from my ED

It's not something I think about 

It's not something that takes up space in my life or my head

I am no longer Ruby the anorectic

Or even Ruby in recovery 

I am just Ruby

And that is enough 

Up until quite recently 

When I met new people 

I felt compelled to tell them my history

Almost to explain why I am the way I am

To let people know what nice been through 

Now 

I don't feel like that at all 

I don't make a point of telling people 

If it comes up fair enough 

But I don't deliberately bring it up

Progress friends..

So

That's it for another month

I hope y'all doing ok

Take care and stay well

See you on the next post...

September Update

I can quite believe that the summer is over

I finish up work next week

But my manager asked me if I was interested in doing cover for employees going on holiday 

I said I would as I think it's a good thing to get my foot in the door there

I think back to May

When I was just starting 

I honestly thought I wouldn't get through it

I thought my anxiety and fear would get the better of me

But four months later 

Here I am finishing up

And feeling so good that I stuck it out 

And got through it 

And do you know what?

I thoroughly enjoyed it

I made some new friends 

Got to meet the most amazing people 

And help them enjoy a much needed break away

There have been some challenges over the last few months 

Difficult guests 

Demanding people  

The morning the fuse blew in the kitchen 

But overall 

I am so glad that I did it 

It has given my  confidence and self esteem a much needed boost

I met all kinds of people this year 

Old people 

Tiny kiddies 

Teenagers with autism 

Adults with brain injuries 

Lovely people 

I also made over €100 in tips this week

Which is always nice

We had our staff night out a couple of weeks ago 

The girls went for dinner 

Which was just lovely 

And after met  up with the lads in the pub

Because of the horrendous hangover I had last year 

I decided just to have a couple of drinks this year

So I had three and headed home like a sensible girl

Two days later I was in work

And one of the chefs came in with a busted up nose and two blacks eyes

He had jumped in to stop a fight 

And got a right box on the nose

The other chef who started the fight ran off and left him

I am so glad that I went home early and missed all the drama

Theses days all I want is a quiet life

In other news

I am still horse riding 

About twice a week

Which I just love 

Riding is great for the head

Especially for a thinker and analyser like me

I had a lesson yesterday

And was on a new horse called Katie

Katie was much more forward and quicker than my usual Willow

And because of this I was a bit nervous

It was a tough lesson

But really enjoyed it

Look

I know I'll never compete or anything like it 

But I just want to be the best I can be

I want to be able to ride 

To canter

To feel an affinity with the animal

I had become very comfortable with Willow

So it was good to change it up

My instructor did ask me during the lesson if I wanted to swap back to Willow

But the stubbornness in me didn't want to

I love a challenge

And by the end of the hour I was getting better

ED wise 

Things are going well

I eat food 

I keep said food down

I rarely purge

I don't restrict or diet

I don't weigh or measure my self worth in pounds and ounces 

I don't  want to be underweight 

I don't want to starve myself 

I don't binge 

I'm not afraid of food anymore 

I even enjoy it 

Don't get me wrong 

Everything is not perfect 

But they are hundred time better than they were 

Amen to that!!

My body image has improved a lot

I am shapely 

I have curves 

Boobs galore

And a butt you could eat your dinner off

I wouldn't go so far as to say I love it

But it's growing on me 

Literally!!

Life has improved so much over the last 18 months

I am content 

I have moments of immense happiness 

I also have moments of utter despair 

But they balance each other out

Don't get me wrong 

Life is not perfect 

But it's the best it's ever been

When I think about where I have come from

I'm not doing too bad at all

That was just a quick update 

Will write again soon

Take care out there... x