Monday, 25 May 2015

Tell me why I don't like Mondays

Title taken from the popular Boom Town Rats song
In fact I do like Mondays 
It may even be my favourite day of the week
Let me explain
As you know
Monday is doctor day
Which means I've had no meds since Saturday 
As greedy guts addict over here overused on a couple of occasions
Sunday is a long day with no meds
No little sleeps to break up the day
No chance to opt out 
Or check off the planet for a while
By Monday morning
I can feel the withdrawal setting in
I can feel it in my bones
The yawning starts 
Why it always starts with yawning I do not know
There must be a reason 
But I don't know what it is
Then my nose and eyes start to run 
Usually I have my meds before it gets any worse
God forbid would it get any worse

So I made my way in the my doctor today
My usual doctor is away for a couple of weeks
So I got to see Nice Woman Doctor
Who I really like
She calls me in to her room
Big smile on her face
I settle on the seat
She tells me I look well
I balk at hearing this
As I always do
But manners prevail 
And I smile and thank her
She asks me how life is
The first thing that pops in to my head is the incident last Thursday
But I decide that she doesn't need to know that
And I tell her life is good
That I am starting a course in september
She asks me if its good to have my sister home
She knows my sister as she sees her too
I tell her it is 
Which is true
She also asks me if I am still blogging
I tell her I am 
Touched that she remembered 
She carefully writes my scripts
I thank her 
And leave

I go and collect my meds
Then go to meet my mum who is walking the dogs
I get to my car
And take my daily dose
Determined to get back on track
And take them properly
I know I need to get this under control
I have spoken to Mary about it in the past
And she has told my doctor
Who then put me on daily dispensing
That works 
As I have no temptation in the house
So when I have a weak moment
There are no meds to take
But he usually only leaves me on DD for a couple of weeks
And then it's back to normal
Getting weekly dispensing

I know I need to get this under control
Especially if I want to start my course
And stay clean and sober
As right now
I don't really think I can claim I am clean and sober 
Being clean sober means not using mind altering substances 
Living in reality
Living life on life's terms
Not using meds or dugs to escape feelings 
Being compos  mentis 
And I am definitely not doing that

In my defence 
These meds are prescribed
And I am supposed to take them
But in reality I am not supposed to take a double or triple dose
Hell even a single dose is too much sometimes 
It does not a clean and sober life make

I've stopped telling the professionals that I abuse my meds
I don't really see the point anymore
I talk about it at meetings from time to time
But in reality
I don't know if I want to stop

Despite being ok with the way things are
I have taken steps to help myself
Last week I called in to my local dog kennels and groomers
To see if they had any work going for the summer
Disappointingly they couldn't take me on due to high insurance costs
So I tried the pizzeria I used to work in
He said he would ring me if anything came up
And he seemed glad that I called in
So hopefully that will work out
think having a bit more structure in my day will help with the addiction side of things
At least I hope it will

Time is going so fast at the moment
The weeks just seem to fly by
As does my life 
If I am not careful 
I will wake up an old woman
And my life will be over 
I guess I need to find a passion
Outside of writing and blogging
I don't have a lot of hobbies
But I am so grateful to have blogging in my life
Three years later and I enjoy it more than ever 
I write every day
It may not always be riveting stuff
But it's part of my daily routine
Blogging has saved my life 
And my sanity over and over again
It's been such a force for good in my life 
I don't know where I would be without it
and you special ladies
So thank you for that

I was wondering about you
How long have you been blogging?
Why did you start?
How does it benefit you?

Sunday, 24 May 2015

Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Every time I begin to lose my head
Every time I think I am going to crack up
Everytime I think I can't stand being in my own head
Or my own body
I stop
Deep breathes
Gather my thoughts 
And say this prayer
It gives me a couple of seconds to regroup
To collect my thoughts 
And remind myself of these words

I don't know where I would be without my supports 
My family 
My friends 
My meetings 
My higher power 
My dogs 
Mary
My doctor
Breda
You lovely ladies
It's a collective effort
Everyone does their bit to help
I know that I can't do this alone

What helps you get through the day?

Saturday, 23 May 2015

The ugly truth

I tried writing a post about something else earlier
But 
In truth 
My thoughts are still consumed with what happened on Thursday 
I still can't quite believe that it happened 
And how close I came to really getting in to trouble with the law
It still feels like a bad dream
Like I'm going to wake up any minute now
But unfortunately 
It did happen
And there's nothing I can do to change that

I had been in hiding since Thursday
Only venturing out to go to my meetings
But today
I decided to bite the bullet
And head in to the town where it happened 
I shit you not
I was so nervous
Every person I passed
I wondered if they knew what I had done 
I was paranoid to the hilt 
Thinking I could hear whispers of 

There she is 
That's her 
That's the girl that was caught shoplifting

But I really wanted to face my demons
And I brought my dogs for their usual hour long walk
I even went in to the shop where the shop owner stopped me
No comments were passed 
But then it was weekend staff that were on
And the only thing the shop assistant said to me was asking me if I'd been away as I had a great colour

I left the shop
And decided to go to the leisure centre to use the sun bed
That meant that I had to walk through the hotel that was right beside the shop where it happened 
I walked quickly
Wanting to get in and out as fast as possible
My heart started to thump when I saw a girl with blonde hair exit the hotel
For a second I was sure it was her
But when I looked closer 
It wasn't her
I breathed a sigh of relief
And continued in to the hotel 

It sucks that I can't go in to that shop anymore
As it was my favourite shop
And I buy things in there quite often
But now I am effectively barred
And that is not a nice feeling

As I wrote yesterday
I had written the shop owner a letter
I haven't sent it in to the shop yet
As I think I am going to re write it
To explain in a bit more detail

As you know 
I have struggled massively with shoplifting over the years
It's tied up in my ED 
First it was food
Then clothes and other items 
In all the years I was doing it
I was never once caught
Up until now that is

I remember being in treatment
And other girls talking about their shoplifting 
I was so glad that I wasn't the only one
As I had come to the conclusion that I was a bad person
Who did bad things

I also remember being at a meeting a long time ago
A woman shared that she had been caught shoplifting the previous day
And was feeling really ashamed
The girl who shared after her told her that it was a blessing in disguise
Because now she would never do that again
It's a lesson hard learned 

I have well and truly learned my lesson
I was shopping today
And sometimes I would skip something in to my bag
Well not today
And never again
I will never forget that feeling of someone tipping me on the back and saying 'Excuse me, did you take something?'
I never want to go through that again

I still don't know the damage I've done
I don't know how many people that girl has told 
I don't know how blackened my name is
I guess time will tell

Even though I feel huge shame about what I did
There was never a question in my mind that I would share this experience with my readers
My blog is all about telling the ugly truth of what it's like to live with an ED and addiction
And everything that goes with that
It was easy writing that post on Thursday
I mean who wants to admit that they were caught stealing?
I didn't go it so it would make for interesting reading 
I didn't do it because I have no money
I did it because part of me is still very unwell
Because my thinking and behaviours can still be very disordered 
I know I have a long way to go
And a lot of work still to do 
I am a flawed individual
Very flawed 
I make mistakes on a daily basis 
I fuck up regularly 
But I know that
Deep down
In my heart
And in my soul 
That I am not a bad person 
And it's not my intention to hurt anyone
I would much rather hurt myself that anyone else
I try to be a good person 
I really do
I love my family and friends to pieces
Am fiercely loyal
And would do anything for them
However sometimes
Against my better judgement 
I do stupid things
Really stupid things
I guess the trick is to learn from these mistakes
Move on
And not spend the rest of my natural life beating myself up
Easier said than done
But it must be done
Or else guilt and shame will fester and eat me up

So that's what I will do 
I will take the learning
And never repeat that mistake again
In fact
It is much easier to be honest
To live an honest life
Being untrue or deceitful is hard work
And you're always looking over your shoulder
Hoping and praying you won't be caught
It's no life really

As I am shown time and time again
I have the most amazing people around me
My family 
My friends
My dogs
And all my beautiful ladies here
Who never fail to rally around when times aw tough
Thank you for that
It means more than you will ever know
Thank you

All my love,

Ruby x

FB

I'm not hugely technically minded
I know enough to get by
But there is awful lot that I don't know
When I first started blogging
It took me quite a while to get used to blogger
A lot of it was trial and error
When I was blogging over on Wordpress
I never quite got used to the dashboard 
And so came back to blogger
To and then she disappeared
Like I always do
As this blog feels like home 

Apart from my blog
I don't really use social media
No Tumblr
No Instagram
No Twitter
Not even Facebook
I do have a FB account
But I think I might have posted twice in my whole life
And I do use it to message people
Or sometimes I have a scroll through my news feed
Sometimes there is something funny or inspiring
But most of the time it's random stuff that people post
I guess I use my blog to let people know what is going on my life

Looking at FB has the power to depress me
Sometimes it seems that everyone is leading this amazing adventure of a life
Photos of everyone dressed up 
Drinks in hand
Smiles on faces
Or photos of their little ones doing something super cute
Couples walking hand in hand on the beach
Someone getting married
Someone else on holiday in Italy
Facebook would have me believe that everyone is living life to the Pepsi Max
A stark reminder that I am not
So that's the main reason I avoid FB

As you know 
I blog everyday
I like to write everyday 
As it helps give my day some structure
I know it's not always riveting stuff
But there is always some little drama playing out

I was wondering about you
Do you use social media?
Which ones do you use and why?
Is there a reason you do/don't use it?

Friday, 22 May 2015

The calm after the storm

Yesterday is over
Thank God that yesterday is over 
It is no longer the day that I was caught shoplifting
I swear it was like a nightmare
I kept waiting to wake
And realise that it was all a bad dream
I often have dreams like that 
That I used
Or drank
Or smoked
And then woke up to sweet relief that it was all a dream
But this wasn't a dream 
It was real 
I made the choice to take that top
And walk out of that shop
I have no excuse
No plausible reason for doing this
I did it because I wanted the top
It was as simple and as stupid as that

I went to two meetings yesterday
The first was an AA meeting
I wasn't going to say anything at the meeting 
But it was a small one so I decided to share
I got very upset while speaking
As the weight of what had happened sat on my shoulders
Everyone was great
Told me not to best myself on
To learn from this and move on
The general consensus was that no one is a saint
And we all have moments of madness and do stupid things 
One of the women even offered me some money to put in a card to give to the shop owner
It was sweet of her
But I politely declined 
This was my mess to sort out

I returned home
Where my sister said that she needed to talk to me
I thought she had read yesterday's post
And that she knew
So I kind of put my foot in it
Because she hadn't
She had quite a bad reaction to it
First she got angry
And said some horrible things
But then that anger turned into disbelief and sadness
She just couldn't understand why I had done it
Either can I 
I don't blame her though
I seem to fuck up time and time again

I went to another meeting last night
Again it was a small meeting 
So I felt comfortable sharing
Some people there suggested I write a letter of apology
So that's what I did when I got home
I write a short note
Expressing my regret
And asked if there was anything I could do to make amends 
As I am willing to do that 
This shop was not some big chain store
It's a small family run business
Who are probably struggling as it is without the likes of me stealing their goods
So I would really jump at the chance of atonement 

But as bad as yesterday was 
I do realise that it could have been a whole lot worse 
That girl could have called the cops 
In fact I am wondering why she didn't
She was well within her rights to
When we were walking up to the shop
She seemed to calm down a lot
And was asking me question
I said as little as possible
Just apologising when I felt it was appropriate
I am so grateful to that girl for letting me go
I could be sitting in a police cell right now
And that would be an utter disaster 
Imagine if I had had to call my family from a cop station
And tel them that I had been arrested
It doesn't bear thinking about

So I guess the best thing to do
Is to take the learning out of this
And the lesson is well and truly learnt
I won't be be shoplifting again 
And if that is the only positive to come out of this 
Then maybe it was a blessing in disguise






Thursday, 21 May 2015

Caught!

I did something incredibly foolish and stupid today
It was a morning like any other 
I got up 
Had a cup of tea
And headed out with Lea
As Honey didn't want to come 
I did some food shopping 
Had to pick up a couple of things for my mum
Then myself and Lea went for a walk

After that
I decided to go for a look in one of the surf shops
I walked in and the girl behind the counter was talking with someone
I began to browse around
And soon found three tops that I liked
I brought them in to the changing room
And tried them on one by one
I liked them all
But couldn't afford to buy any
Then 
In a moment of complete madness
I put one of the tops on underneath my clothes
And finished dressing
I tried to remain calm
And put the other tops back 
I said goodbye to the girl
And left the shop

I don't know why I did it
It was such a stupid stupid, utterly idiotic thing to do

I was walking down the road
Was just about to walk in to a shop
When I heard someone behind me shout
Excuse me
My heart skipped a beat
I knew who it was before even looking around
I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole
I turned around 
And there she was 
The girl from the shop

'I'm missing a top, do you have it?'

I couldn't deny it 
And nodded my head 

'Take it off ' she demanded

I asked her if I could go to a bathroom to change
She said no
By now I was mortified 
This was all happening in the middle of the street 
I asked her if I could go back to my car
She said to follow her
And she started walking back to the shop 

'How dare you' she said

'You steal from my shop, you steal from me and I take that very personally'

I said nothing 
I was just so full of shame

I was so afraid that she was going to call the cops
And nearly died when I saw a cop car coming down the street

We got back to the shop
I took the top off and handed it to her
She told me to leave
I started to speak 
But she stopped me
And told me that if she ever saw me in there again, she would call the cops

I left the shop
And walked back to my car
I felt like I was in a nightmare 
And any moment now I would wake up
But I didn't because it was really happening 
I had just been caught shoplifting 

I can't tell you how bad I feel
Ashamed 
Embarrassed 
I feel so bloody stupid for doing this
I mean
I live in a small town 
Word will spread like wild fire
How I wish I could go back in time and undo this

I've written here before how I've struggled with shoplifting 
It's part of my ED and my addiction
But I hadn't done it in a long time before today 
And now I have well and truly fucked up
Well done Ruby 

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

What I eat

Contrary to popular belief
People with eating disorders do like food
Speaking only for myself
I love food
I mean really love it
God help the person that comes between me and my food
I tend to go through phases of eating a certain food
I become slightly obsessed with said food
And eat it until I move on to the next obsession
At the moment 
My foods are salt and vinegar Hunky Dory chips
And Nestle Milkybars
I literally eat them all day long
I go through five family size Milkybars a day
And two family size packs of chips
And I would eat more if there was more
But I try on out a limit on it

I don't eat breakfast 
And if I do 
It's a few squares of chocolate
I don't really eat lunch either
Preferring to snack on my favourite foods
I do eat dinner though
I love dinner 
Today I am making beef stew
It's only 11am 
And I am already looking forward to it
I can get slightly obsessed over my dinner too
And like to know way in advance what I am having
So I tend to drive my family nuts 
Asking them what is for dinner like two days in advance 

I don't profess to be the healthiest person in the world
And I am no poster girl for recovery
You are probably wondering how I am not 300 pounds if I eat all that junk food
Well
The simple answer to that
Is that not everything that goes down stays down
Yes
I admit it
I do purge still
In fact it never went away
And I'm not sure if it ever will

As you know up until about a year ago
I was binging and purging up to 20 times a day
It was off the scale 
Yes my bulimia had improved a lot
But I still purge 2-5 times a day
Which by anyone's standards is still a lot 
But for me it's progress
The thing is
I am starting to wonder if this is as good as it gets for me?
Is this recovery?
Am I destined to always have my ED in my life?
Managing it but never quite getting on top of it?
I mean 
I am the best I've been in a long time 
Eating disorder wise
But I know things could be a lot better
The way things are
I have one foot in my ED
And one foot in recovery 
Stuck somewhere in the middle
Not committing to either one

And the other thing is 
I'm not sure if I want to leg go completely of my ED
I mean
I am quite content the way things are
But maybe I am fooling myself 
I don't quite know

I was sharing at a meeting the other day
How my base mood level is lower than average
In that my everyday mood is lower than the average person 
My tendency is to be negative
Think negatively 
I've a tendency to be maudlin and morose 
I'm not a naturally happy or optimistic person 
I'm not happy all the time
I get glimpses of it from time to time
But it is not a constant thing 
So feeling the way I am now is good
For me

I'm seeing Mary tomorrow
So I will talk to her about this 
Although I know what she will say
That full and complete recovery is possible
And that I can live a life without my ED
I'm not convinced 
But I won't rule it out






I was wondering about you
Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?
What does recovery mean to you?
Do you think that complete recovery is possible?
I'd love to know ....