Autumn update

And so it is September

Where did the summer go?

I finished up work last Thursday 

So am a free little bird again 

I thoroughly enjoyed work this year

Once I got in to it

And got over my anxiety

I relaxed 

And just went with the flow

No panic

No stress

No worrying and questioning myself 

Not taking myself too seriously 

And just enjoying it

It's a lovely place to work

I made new friends 

My manager is a very fair and sound person 

And there is a very friendly and informal atmosphere 

My manger asked me if I was willing to do some work in the residential home for the elderly 

So of course I said yes 

It will most likely be covering people's holidays etc

But it's a start 

And a chance to get to know the residents and staff

So that's some good news

I finished work on Thursday 

Which was also my birthday

A double celebration 

For my birthday 

Myself Mam and Fintan went for lunch 

And on Saturday my sister brought me for lunch 

I got some lovely gifts

A parka jacket

Riding boots 

A t-shirt

I was well and truly spoiled 

I know a lot of people don't like birthdays 

But I love them

Maybe because you are made a fuss of in my house

Finishing up work was bitter sweet

It's nice to have more time 

To spend with my dogs and Coco

But I do miss it

I miss the people

The buzz of service 

Meeting new people

Our holiday centre is a very special place

It's run by a charity called St. Vincent de Paul

And it arranges holidays for those who ordinarily wouldn't be able to afford a holiday

It's nice to think we are helping people 

And we do our best to make their holiday a memorable one 

Next year I plan to work full time 

Which will be a challenge 

But one I really want to go for 

I find working part time 

I wasn't as clued in as I was when working full time

Like everything 

There are advantages and disadvantages 

I didn't get to visit Coco as much this summer

But now the season is over 

I am back to seeing him as often as his can

He is doing well

There are sheep in his field now 

And himself and Lea have great fun chasing them around the field

He saw the farrier this week

And was as good as gold

Our farrier offered to take Coco for a week

To begin breaking him in

This is fantastic news! 

And I am so grateful to the farrier

To think that I could ride Coco at some point in the future?

That right there is amazing

I can't wait!

I am still riding a couple of times a week

And slowly but surely improving

I'm learning all the time

The horses are great teachers 

Star my buddy is such a handsome boy

In other news 

I am heading away on a little trip tomorrow 

I am treating the parental unit to a three night break away in a hotel

I am going on a riding trek

And the 'rents are going to chill out

I'm very excited for the holiday

And I'm delighted to be able to treat my parents 

And after a summer of working hard 

It's a nice way to finish it off

I can't lie

I'm a bit nervous to ride a new horse 

But I will do my best 

And that's all I can do

Healthy wise 

Mentally I am doing just fine 

I'm finally in a place where I am content just to be me 

I don't want her bum

Her boobs

Her legs 

I am happy enough with my own thank you very much 

My body has changed a lot 

But I'm getting used to it

I feel a long way away from my ED

It's not something I think about 

It's not something that takes up space in my life or my head

I am no longer Ruby the anorectic

Or even Ruby in recovery 

I am just Ruby

And that is enough 

Up until quite recently 

When I met new people 

I felt compelled to tell them my history

Almost to explain why I am the way I am

To let people know what nice been through 

Now 

I don't feel like that at all 

I don't make a point of telling people 

If it comes up fair enough 

But I don't deliberately bring it up

Progress friends..

So

That's it for another month

I hope y'all doing ok

Take care and stay well

See you on the next post...

September Update

I can quite believe that the summer is over

I finish up work next week

But my manager asked me if I was interested in doing cover for employees going on holiday 

I said I would as I think it's a good thing to get my foot in the door there

I think back to May

When I was just starting 

I honestly thought I wouldn't get through it

I thought my anxiety and fear would get the better of me

But four months later 

Here I am finishing up

And feeling so good that I stuck it out 

And got through it 

And do you know what?

I thoroughly enjoyed it

I made some new friends 

Got to meet the most amazing people 

And help them enjoy a much needed break away

There have been some challenges over the last few months 

Difficult guests 

Demanding people  

The morning the fuse blew in the kitchen 

But overall 

I am so glad that I did it 

It has given my  confidence and self esteem a much needed boost

I met all kinds of people this year 

Old people 

Tiny kiddies 

Teenagers with autism 

Adults with brain injuries 

Lovely people 

I also made over €100 in tips this week

Which is always nice

We had our staff night out a couple of weeks ago 

The girls went for dinner 

Which was just lovely 

And after met  up with the lads in the pub

Because of the horrendous hangover I had last year 

I decided just to have a couple of drinks this year

So I had three and headed home like a sensible girl

Two days later I was in work

And one of the chefs came in with a busted up nose and two blacks eyes

He had jumped in to stop a fight 

And got a right box on the nose

The other chef who started the fight ran off and left him

I am so glad that I went home early and missed all the drama

Theses days all I want is a quiet life

In other news

I am still horse riding 

About twice a week

Which I just love 

Riding is great for the head

Especially for a thinker and analyser like me

I had a lesson yesterday

And was on a new horse called Katie

Katie was much more forward and quicker than my usual Willow

And because of this I was a bit nervous

It was a tough lesson

But really enjoyed it

Look

I know I'll never compete or anything like it 

But I just want to be the best I can be

I want to be able to ride 

To canter

To feel an affinity with the animal

I had become very comfortable with Willow

So it was good to change it up

My instructor did ask me during the lesson if I wanted to swap back to Willow

But the stubbornness in me didn't want to

I love a challenge

And by the end of the hour I was getting better

ED wise 

Things are going well

I eat food 

I keep said food down

I rarely purge

I don't restrict or diet

I don't weigh or measure my self worth in pounds and ounces 

I don't  want to be underweight 

I don't want to starve myself 

I don't binge 

I'm not afraid of food anymore 

I even enjoy it 

Don't get me wrong 

Everything is not perfect 

But they are hundred time better than they were 

Amen to that!!

My body image has improved a lot

I am shapely 

I have curves 

Boobs galore

And a butt you could eat your dinner off

I wouldn't go so far as to say I love it

But it's growing on me 

Literally!!

Life has improved so much over the last 18 months

I am content 

I have moments of immense happiness 

I also have moments of utter despair 

But they balance each other out

Don't get me wrong 

Life is not perfect 

But it's the best it's ever been

When I think about where I have come from

I'm not doing too bad at all

That was just a quick update 

Will write again soon

Take care out there... x

Photos...

    

Photos...

    

August Update

And so we have reached August

It's hard to believe that work will be finishing up in a few short weeks

The summer flew by

I'm looking forward to the send of the summer

Work quietens down

The town gets back to normal

The town I work in is a holiday sea-side town

So that population explodes during the summer 

And all the hotels and other businesses make hay while the sun shines

The places I work in is a charity run holiday centre 

It provides much needed holidays for those who ordinarily wouldn't be able to afford one

We get a mixture of people

Families

Groups

Children

Seniors 

Disabled people 

Sick people 

People usually arrived on a Friday afternoon

And depart the following Thursday

We are right on the main road so we are in the think of things

Which can be both a good thing and a bad thing

Our rooms are bright and spacious 

And we have live music at the weekend 

Overall the people who stay with us are lovely 

My managers motto for the house is 'Friendliness, cleaniless and good food'

This week my week starts on a Saturday 

And I work through to Wednesday

I'm doing some evening shifts this week

Which means I'll be working in the bar

I'm a bit anxious 

But I'm sure I'll be fine 

My confidence has definitely improved since I started working 

Most of the time I fake it

But that works too

As long as I look like I know what I'm doing that's half the battle

Also my working means I get to go on a holiday this September 

I've booked a hotel in Westport for three nights with my Mam

She is going to chill out

And I'm going horse riding which I'm so looking forward to

I'm treating my Mam so I'm delighted about that

We actually stayed in this hotel about ten years ago over Christmas

I was strung out at the time

And on the last night I ran out of drugs 

So I was in withdrawal 

It was horrific

I'll never forget it

The longest night of my life

Also 

Because I am earning money 

I get to go horse riding more often

Which is brilliant 

I would do it every single day if I could 

But I can only go as much as my wallet allows 

I still call to Coco too

He is now sharing his field with some sheep

I'm looking forward to finishing up work

So I can call to him more often

I feel bad that I'm only getting over a couple of times a week at the moment 

But I am doing my best to look after him

I had a great riding lesson yesterday 

Last week

My trainer told me that I was slightly tipping forward in my canter 

She took a video of me 

And I could clearly see it

So this week I really tried my hardest to address this 

I looked up and out instead of down 

I pushed my heels down 

Shoulders back 

Boobs out

She said there was a marked improvement this week which I was delighted to hear

Look

I know I'll never really do a whole lot with my riding

I don't want to compete 

I'm not training for an event 

I just want to ride for my own enjoyment 

I want to be able to walk, trot and canter 

To gallop on a beach 

To wade in the ocean

Be able to looo after and care for a horse

Because I love it

It makes me happy 

It fills the hole in my soul better than any pill or potion

We have our staff do on the 17th

We are going for a meal

And then for a few drinks 

I booked a hair appointment for the morning 

And am getting my makeup done in the afternoon

I am half dreading it

Half looking forward to it

It will be nice to get dressed up 

All suited and booted 

I am beyond shite at applying make up 

So I am getting a professional to do it 

I can't wait to see what I look like 

I am thinking a smokey eye with a flick of eye liner 

But as I said 

Make up is alien to me

The next questions is whether to have a drink or not 

I drank last year 

And didn't get home until 6am

This year I don't plan on doing that 

So I might have a couple of drinks 

But that is it

I think that's about it for now

Thank you for reading

Stay well

And keep smiling...

July Update

Two months of work done now

About seven weeks to go

Over the last couple of weeks 

I've been struggling quite a lot 

Even though I try my best at work

I still feel like other people do it better than me

They seek to cope better

Be more confident 

More efficient 

And generally not capable than me

My bestie tells me if I hear nothing, then nothing is wrong

Which I guess is true 

But I am constantly looking for reassurance that I am doing ok

I'm nearly 36 years old

And I feel like a little girl that needs her Mommy to tell her that everything will be ok

I'm a bit of an odd ball 

And I'm sure people think I'm a bit strange 

Aa I find it hard to mix in groups 

I am fine one on one 

But in a group I have a social handicap 

That's me though 

It takes me a while to become comfortable with people 

Yet again I find myself wondering if people like me 

And wanting them to like me

And probably trying too hard to be liked and accepted 

It shouldn't matter though 

I'm there to do a job

It's not a popularity contest 

It really shouldn't matter what people think of me

At all

I know I am trying my best at work

And that's all that matters

I find myself in this situation a lot

When I was doing my course 

I was convinced the others didn't like me 

But even after I left 

They still keep in contact 

So I was very wrong about that one!

Anyway 

In other news 

My car has been giving me huge problems 

I was driving in to the garage yesterday 

When a warning noise started 

And then smoke started coming out

I stopper immediately and got out 

But my car was on a narrow road 

So I needed to get it off the road 

My Mam was there so at least I had a lift 

Four very kind men stopped and helped us pushed the car off the road

The garage recovered my car in the afternoon

And it wasn't good news 

The clutch in it is bangjaxed

It will cost €800 to fix

I do not have that kind of money to hand 

So I need to make a decision about whether to get the work done 

Or to change my car for a better one 

It's stressful

As I need a car 

For work

To see Coco 

I need it for my freedom and independence 

So I guess I will have to do something

I was listening to something on the radio this week

About the grown up children of alcoholic or addicted parents 

How they are more likely to be anxious and insecure 

How their foundation has been rocky and so they carry that in to their adult life

It was very interesting and I could relate to a lot of it 

Myself and my sisters all suffer with addiction and mental health issues

We struggle with feeling not good enough

And generally find life tough

I look at some of the girls I work with 

Who are younger than me 

But seem so much more together than me

I struggle just to get to the starting block

So it seems everyone is running way ahead of me

Of course my life has not been straight forward 

And I have dealt with an awful lot 

I am happy just to be alive 

Anything else is a bonus

I am grateful to be where I am 

And things could be a whole lot worse 

I'm still horse riding and loving it

I go 2-3 times a week

And it's is just heaven 

Sitting in a horse 

Galloping down a beach

Doing little jumps 

It makes all the tough days worthwhile 

On Saturday 

Myself and a friend did a beach trek

 A two hour trek

I was riding a big fella called Bouncer 

Fionnuala was on Tom

Kate was our leader on Skippy

And there was a girl at the back riding Laura 

We walked down to the beach 

Then we spilt up

Fionnuala and Laura went to walk the sand dunes 

And myself and Kate went down to the main beach for a canter 

I swear to God Bouncer shot off like a rocket 

Abc was running full pelt down the length of the beach

It was both terrifying and thrilling in equal measure but I thoroughly enjoyed it

After that 

We went back up to meet the others 

And walked back to the centre through the fields

Myself and Fionnuala dismounted our horses 

And were walking around like John Wayne 

The next day I was in pain 

But it was a good pain 

An almost enjoyable pain

So I think that is all my news

I am thinking of re enrolling in the horsemanship course 

I feel a bit more ready now

And ultimately this is what I want to be doing 

But first things first 

I'm just concentrating on getting through work 

And hopefully I will be back on the road soon

That's your July update sorted 

Thanks for reading 

And for being there..

Honey, holidays and huge amounts of gratitude

Today is Thursday

And my working week is finished 

I work Sunday 12pm-8pm

Monday 8pm-4pm

And Tuesday 8-4pm

24 hours a week

Which is nice

I am really enjoying work 

I can feel my confidence boosting 

And my general well being is very good

It's a great feeling to know that I am working 

Earning money

Out and about in the world meeting new people

I especially love that I am helping people enjoy a much needed break away

I love that our centre makes a difference in people's lives

A lot of that is down to my manager 

She is an amazing person

Just 40 years old 

She has been running the holiday centre and the old people's home beside it for the last 12 years

She really sets the tone in the house

She is efficient yet friendly 

Firm but fair

Hard working but always has time to chat

She is a fantastic role model

And I admire her greatly 

She always takes the time to ask me how my Dad is

And also how I'm feeling with my low confidence and self esteem

It really is the perfect place to re introduce myself back in to the working world 

And of course it's brilliant to have a few extra pounds in my pocket

In September 

I am treating my Mam to a little holiday

I will go horse riding

And Mal will potter around and relax in the hotel

So that's something to look forward to

I can't wait!

In other news 

Honey is going back to the vet on Saturday 

About her remaining eye that looks cloudy and blood shot

She has already been to the vet here

But she sent me home with no answers and told to just wait and see

And charged me €40 for the privilege 

So we are going back to the vet who removed her eye three years ago

As he is the best of the best

Honey is ok

If a bit cranky

But we are just worried that she will lose the eye she has

I mean I don't know if a dog can live a comfortable life with no eyes

I guess I would have to keep her inside 

And she would need a lot of support

But I would be willing to do that if it meant she gets to stay around 

Lea is also having a check up too

Even though they are both old ladies now

I feel sure they have a few years left in them

They have literally been by my side for the past 12 years

I can't imaging life without them

They bring so much life to our house

I feel safer and calmer knowing they are there

They are fantastic company too

I just love them so much 

And dread the day that I don't bring them home

What else?

I'm still going to my doctor every week

This morning my usual doctor was away 

So I saw 'Nice Woman Doctor'

She is lovely 

Told me she had listened to my radio interview 

And had also read some of my blog

I felt a bit naked when she said this

As I forget that I was on local radio

Talking about something so personal

She was lovely though

And told me there was a huge change in me

There is I guess

Both physically and mentally and emotionally 

I have moved on from the sick, addicted lonely girl that I was 

And am living my life in a way I never have in my whole life
Even though I have been through so much in my time
I feel extremely blessed to have the life I have
I am well and healthy
I live with my Man who I love dearly
And we get on great
I have amazing brothers and sisters
Two dogs and a pony who I adore
I am in a good place
Have great friends
I am lucky to have a job I love
Hobbies that feed my soul
My life is far from perfect
And I am no poster girl for recovery
But I am now happy and content with what I have
I want for nothing
And I believe my family and friends would move heaven and earth to help me

The past couple of weeks
Cocos owner has been avoiding me
Not answering my calls or texts
So yesterday I decided to phone him from my Mams phone
And lo and behold he answered
I was pretty annoyed and I let him know so
He told me that he's very busy with work and couldnt be dusty
What alias of old shit