Saturday, 6 February 2016

Job Update

As you may know
I applied for a job a couple of weeks ago
In an assisted living centre for the elderly
I sent in my application
And made it to the interview round
Which I had last Thursday
I was hoping to hear something this week
But I didn't hear a peep
As you also may know 
I have little or no patience 
I checked our letter box obsessively 
Hoping to find a letter 
It was killing me not knowing if I had got the job or not
I just wanted to know either way
So 
After there was no word yesterday
The thought of having to wait the whole weekend for an update was too much
And I decided to take the bull by the horns 
And ring the manager of the centre
Who was also one of the interviewers 
I dialled the number 
And waited as the phone rang and rang
Just as I was about to end the call
The manager picked up
I told her who I was 
She remembered me
Which I thought was a good sign
And asked if the position had been filled
I was fully expecting her to say it had been 
But instead 
She apologised
And informed me that the board needed to have one more meeting before making a final decision 
I took that as good news 
I still might have a chance!
The manager asked me if I was interested in the summer job 
Which would be working in their holiday centre for the summer months
I thought 'What the hell
And said I was
A job is a job right?
That led me to think that she might have me in mind for that job
I'd be happy with that
I'm just excited for someone to give me a chance to show that I can work hard and well 
And I think the holiday centre would be a lovely place to work 
It would mean dealing with people all day
Which would give me little or no time to devote to my ED
It would give me structure and purpose
Things I really crave at the moment

Although I think I still have a shot at getting the job in the assisted living centre
I feel they may be looking for someone with more experience 
But the thing is 
How am I to gain experience if no one gives me a chance?
It might be a gamble to employ me
But it's a gamble that I believe could pay off
But
As ever 
I have all bases covered 
And there is the option of the stables 
If the job doesn't pan out
And that is something that I am super excited about
The stables itself is quite near where I live
And it's a whole new project
So it would be awesome to be part of that
So what ever happens 
I will be happy either way 
It's actually exciting to see what will happen in the future now
I've been stuck for so long 
So to be finally moving forward 
And making steps to get well and gel myself is really making me feel good about myself 
My doctor is always telling me that I am too talented to just be sitting around 
I don't know about being talented 
But I could just waste my life away out in here in my little house
For a long time 
I didn't want to do anything 
I didn't want to move forward
I was content to abuse my meds
And spend my days slipping in and out of sleep 
Sitting on the mat beside the fire place 
Chain smoking 
Not giving a shit about myself 
Or anything else 

But there has been change in the last couple of years 
I am now 18 months smoke free
I've had periods of time when my ED was in remission
I am now taking my meds correctly and properly 
Which is huge progress
As for years I had used and abused them 
Now
My Mother looks after my meds
And gives me them every morning 
And that seems to work
I know I can't trust myself to take them properly 
And there is nothing wrong with a bit of support
Whatever works, right?

So 
All in all 
Things are moving along nicely 
Of course there is much work to do 
There is always work to do
But I feel like I am finally getting a grip on my life 
My ED is a daily battle
I have good days 
And bad days 
Days when I don't want to get out of bed 
Days when my purging is off the scale 
But the good days more than make up for the bad ones 
I have days when I laugh until my sides hurt
I have days when I feel loved and liked and needed and wanted
On a good day I feel something approaching happiness
I feel content to be me
I look at myself in the mirror 
And feel ok with what I see
These days make it all worthwhile 

Which brings me to my next point
I want you to know 
That no matter how bad things get 
No matter how low you go
There is always hope 
There are always possibilities and opportunities 
There is always a way out
Sometimes our issues and problems become so heavy 
That we don't think we can carry on 
I know 
I have been there
Addiction and disordered eating have been part of my life for 15 years now
But you know what?
I live with these conditions
I don't die with them 
I have been at deaths door 
Many many times 
I know I am lucky to have made it out alive 
For the longest time
Mine and my families life was bedlam 
So chaotic
So dysfunctional 
So all over the place
But we rode the storm
And came out the other side stronger and closer than ever 
They saw that doctors hate to see a patient with an ED coming
As they are so hard to treat
And often the one person who has the key to recovery is the one person that doesn't want to recover 
EDs are complex and complicated illness
Every one is different 
Everyone is individual 
And even though the symptoms are the same 
Each case must be treated differently 
It's not easy
By nature 
We ED girls are secretive and private 
We don't want others to know our shameful secrets 
Heck we can barely admit them to ourselves
Never mind anyone else 
But if we want to recover
We need to take that leap of faith 
Bite the bully 
And take a chance on opening up to someone 
Over the years 
I have come to a point where I can talk and write pretty openly about my life, my addiction and my ED
Maybe I am too open 
I don't know 
But I do know for a fact
That talking about it helps
Opening up and sharing the weight of our troubles helps 
It lessens the burden 
It helps us let go
So 
Today 
I ask you
I urge you
To talk to someone 
Choose one person 
Someone you trust 
A family member 
A friend 
Maybe someone on the Internet 
Pick one person
And talk to them 
Tell them what's in your head
And what is breaking your heart
You won't regret it
And I promise you you'll feel better 
So do it
Don't even think about it
Or give yourself time to back out of it
Just do it
Even if it's an experiment to see what happens 
Just do it you have nothing to lose...

If you did happen to talk to someone today
Let me know how you got on
Who you spoke to
How it went 
How you felt afterwards 
Inquiring minds want to know...

Friday, 5 February 2016

Update

I guess a personal update is long over due
I had a few appointments with the professionals this week
My doctor on Monday
My psychiatrist on Tuesday
And Mary on Wednesday 
My psychiatrist is good
On the ball
Just like Mary
He had been talking about increasing my Prozac in an effort to get back on track
But this week
He decided against it
He made the point that I am on so many meds as it is 
And the goal should be to be medication free
I actually can't remember a time when I wasn't taking something
Prescribed or otherwise 
Probably in my teens 
If not before 
I really can't remember what it's like to be stone cold sober
The thought scares me though
I am afraid that I won't be able to cope on my own 
Without the addition of drugs
But I guess that's where occupation comes in 
If I am filling my days with something I love 
I'll be content enough to not want to escape my own head
And my own reality 
That's why the job would have been ideal
Speaking of which 
I haven't heard a dickiebird yet
I'm pretty sure I would have heard by now if I had got it 
But that's ok
I'll learn and move on 
And on to the next thing 
It was a big deal for me just to apply and do the interview
That in itself is progress 
I have been thinking about work a lot
And the dancing I used to do with the kids
I would love to do it again 
And am seriously thinking about setting up a couple of classes again 
I just don't know if I have the confidence though 
Or the energy 
I also feel that I would need some more training myself to be the best teacher I can be
Anyway
It's something to think about 

In other news 
I've neither lost nor gained weight in about a month 
And am weighing less and less 
Mary weighed me on Wednesday 
And I was 0.3kg more than last week
And I was wearing Harvey clothes and trainers 
So I was pretty much the same 
I've spoken to my mum and sister a good bit recently 
Needless to say
They are concerned 
And I'm trying alleviate that 
I don't want them to worry 
But they know I am struggling 
They know about the purging 
I don't even try to hide it anymore 
I know they know 
And they know I know they know
Confusing but true 

I also spoke to Mary this week about working in the stables 
Mary had heard of a former social worker who was setting up a stables
And wanted volunteers with mental health issues 
So Mary is going to ring them
Tell them about me
And then pass on my details 
You guys 
I am super duper excited about this 
It's right up my street 
And to work with animals 
And meet people like me 
Would be nothing short of amazing 
I can't wait to get started 
And get stuck in 

They say that the key to happiness 
Is not having what you want
But wanting what you have 
Growing up
And through out my twenties 
I wanted a completely different life
I didn't want to live in our average, middle class life 
Sometimes I wished we were filthy rich 
And sometimes we lived in the slums
Strange I know 
But I hated being in the middle 
I much targeted the extremes 
But recently 
I've been feeling incredibly grateful
So thankful and joyful and blessed 
For what I have 
Yes
There are a lot of people in the world who have a lot more than me
But compared to some
I have more than enough 
I know I say it a lot
But every day I thank my lucky stars 
That I have a strong family behind me
Especially my mother 
Who is a tower of strength
And the back bone of our family
I have two older sisters
An older brother 
And a father who I now get on well with after years of not 
I am grateful that I live in a happy, comfortable and safe home
That there's a roof over my head
And food in my fridge
I am grateful that I have my own bedroom
And sleep in a clean dry bed every night 
I am grateful that I have two happy dogs 
Who are the light of my life
And keep me sane and grounded
I am grateful for the professionals in my life
My long suffering doctor 
Mary who is endlessly patient
And my psychiatrist who fights my corner 

My family and I have come through a lot
The important thing is that we got through it
And came out the other side
We are stronger for it
One thing we never did was give up
We weathered the storm
Hung in there 
 Fought  until the bitter end 
And lived to tell the tale 


Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Obsessed with my body - C4 Documentary

First of all
Apologies for the radio silence
And for worrying you
It wasn't an intentional thing not to post
But I did feel the need to be quiet for a couple of days
Thank you for your comments and emails of concern 
I am back....

I watched a show last night called Obsessed with my body
It was a documentary about vanity in males
And the explosion in fitness and health among young men
In the documentary 
Various young guys were interviewed
The camera followed one guy as he went about his daily routine
Spa treatments 
Followed by a hair do
During which the hairdresser asked him if he was going out that night
The guy said he wasn't 
That he was just going home to try n clothes
He admitted to taking hundreds of selfies a day 
And posted the ones he deemed good enough on social media 
During the documentary 
This guy went back to his home town to see his family 
He showed us his old school
Where he used to be bullied mercilessly 
His nose had been broken 
Twice 
It soon became clear 
That bubbling under the surface of this guys vanity 
Was a lot of hurt 
A lot of pain
And insecurity 
He admitted that he used his looks as a shield 
And seemed afraid to let anyone see the real him
He broke down in tears as he told us about his brother who had drowned 
My heart went out to him

The documentary also followed the huge fitness craze amongst men at the moment 
We were introduced to two cousins 
Who were in the process of trying to build  up a fitness empire on YouTube 
They have 8000 followers
And post inspiring videos
They were both in amazing shape
You can't deny that 
And they seemed like nice guys 
I just don't think it's healthy to put so much focus and emphises on looks

Then there was 16 year old Duncan
Duncan was from Scotland
A body builder 
We followed his story as he was competing in his first body building competition 
He worked hard at his fitness
And on the day of the competition 
He went to get his fake tan done 
The results were hilarious 
He was literally the colour of mahogany
But apparently they need to be dark while on stage 
So the lights pick up the definition on the body

The last guy who was interviewed
Spoke about his battle with anorexia
After some cruel
Comments from a class mate about his weight
This young guy stopped eating 
And lost 35 pounds in 3 months 
He is now weight restored 
And on the mend 
But it's taken blood, sweat and tears to get there 

I thought this documentary was eye opening 
Like a lot of people do
It's easy to forget that men worry about their bodies too
I think in my four years here on blogger
I have only ever come across one make blogger 
Who has since disappeared 
This also bears out in treatment 
Although the documentary stated that last year, 300 000 males in the UK were treated for eating disorders
In all my time in treatment 
I only ever met one male
As hard as it is to be a female with an ED
I fear it must be even more difficult to be a make suffering with an ED
EDs are historically seen a rich white girls disease
Of course this is a stereotype
And categorically untrue 
EDs do not discriminate 
And can effect anyone 
Any race 
Any gender 
Any age
It can happen to anyone 
No one is immune

A big craze at the moment is fitness
It's everywhere 
All over social media 
In magazines 
TV shows 
In this country 
There is a show called Operation Transformation
Where six members of the public try to change their lives by losing weight and getting fit 
And at the moment there is a noticeable increase in the amount of people out walking and running 
The shops are full of active wear clothing
There is also a campaign here to try as a nation to lose one million pounds 
Now I'm all for getting fit and healthy 
But there is a line 
A very fine line 
Where if you cross it
You become obsessed with it
It used to be mostly women who felt the pressure to tone up
But now it seems that men have the same, if not more pressure, on their shoulders 
Where males are concerned 
It seems it is the bigger the better 
Where as we girls seem to buy in to the idea that small is best
It's the thing that unites both men and women
We want to look out best
And our image has never been so important 
Because we put our lives on line for all to see
On Facebook
Instagram
Twitter
It seems that something didn't really happen 
Unless it was captured on camera 
And posted on Facebook 

They say a person makes up their mind about someone in seconds
We assess others in jig time
Their appearance 
Their body language
Their hair
Their clothes
We decide if they are some one we want to know
If we are attracted to them 
If we don't like them
And all before even speaking to someone
Everything is visual nowadays 
We take photos of everything
Our food
Our pets 
Our children
Our holidays 
Our outfits 
And we all look at everyone else's photos too
In a kind of a 'who has the best life?'competition 

When I was in rehab for the first time 
There was a pro boxer
Who got obvious reasons 
I will call The Boxer
He was bulimic 
And felt massive pressure to make weight
I can remember him at meal times
He would eat his own food
And anything you left on your plate
He was also a cocaine addict
And came in to treatment very thin
Almost doubled his body weight in four months 
I wonder how he is now

I think that images of models and very thin actresses and celebrities can exacerbate an ED
But I don't think they cause one solely by themselves
I think there are many factors that contribute towards someone developing an ED

With all that said
I was wondering about you
Have you come across many males in the ED world?
Was their experience different to ours?
Why do you think that we don't hear from a lot of men here on blogger?
Inquiring mind want to know....

Monday, 1 February 2016

Thin

I was going through one of my notebooks over the weekend
And I stumbled upon a page titled 'Weight loss Challenge'
It was dated last summer
About two weeks before my mothers retirement do
I had carefully printed my weight
And the amount of weight I wanted to lose
I vaguely remembered writing this 
My whole family were going to be at this do
And I really wanted to look my best 
I had an orange and cream dress picked out
And it just about zipped up
My BMI was about 22
I wasn't unhappy
But I felt I should lose weight
I'm not even sure why 

My weight loss never happened though
And I went to mums do the the exact same weight 
Now there are photos all over our house of that night 
And funnily enough
People always say that I look really well in those photos 
I look bright 
Healthy 
Alive 
Now?
Well not so much 
My BMI has gone down almost five points 
I'm pale 
Wan
Sick looking 
 I any happier now that I have lost weight?
I can categorically answer no to that question 

I was speaking with my mother and sister over dinner a few days ago
My sister wanted to why and when this latest relapse had begun
My memory is not great at the best of times 
Fortunately my mother has the memory of an elephant 
And she could remember back to last November
When I spoke about wanting to lose weight
Remember the navy trousers?
They seemed to be the trigger
But really
I think it started sooner than that 
I think as far back as my holiday in September 
Things were changing
My mood was slowly but surely heading south 
I got back in to a pattern of purging while on holidays 
Therefore probably wasn't getting the benefit of my medication
Which led again to low mood
And that cycle continued
The navy trousers were just another symptom of a greater problem 

So here I am 
26 pounds lighter
And not one iota happier
All I feel is a hole in my soul
My clothes don't fit 
My face tells the story of every pound I've lost and gained 
I feel tired 
So very tired
Tired of playing this game 
This illness
The never ending cycle of 
Get well
Relapse 
Get well
Relapse
I swear 
More than anything else 
I am God damned bored of this illness
I want more 
I want to live my life 
To me
This illness has put my life on hold 
I had been doing well 
I had begun to take control of my own life 
I know I can get back there again 
I really believe that I can
I've battled constantly for years 
To get to the point where most people start off
But that's ok 
I don't wish my life were different
It's made me strong 
It's made my family strong
In a strange way
It has brought us closer than we've ever been
But of course 
It would be preferable not to have so much to deal with 
But I'm doing ok
We are doing ok 

So
Where to from here? 
As always 
It's baby steps 
Work with Mary
Work on the purging 
Eat little and often
Get out of the house more
Allow myself to gain a little weight
And I know along with that Will come feeling better 
I can't imagine how frustrating it is for those around me 
To witness my attempts to loll myself 
Because that's what an ED is
A slow suicide 
Don't kid yourself that it's anything less than that 
My sister regularly comments on my thin body at the moment 
My old anorectic self would love this
Not anymore 
I can see the worry in her eyes
And she has enough to deal with
Without having to worry about me
I know that my family feel helpless 
There is really nothing they can do to help me
Yes they are there 
And that is a huge support
But they can't force feed me
They can't stop me from purging 
I am a grown woman 
These are choices that I make 
And there is nothing anyone can do to help me 

You would think that I would have learned over time 
That thin does not equal happiness
But I keep falling for that line 
Hook, line and sinker 
I know I look better when I have at least another 15 pounds on me
I am only beginning to look better then
In recent years 
I have been 28-35 pounds heavier
And felt a lot better for it 
At the moment 
I feel like the wAlking dead
And I've been a lot thinner than this at times 
I can't imagine how ill I must have been then

Anyway
In other news 
I saw my doctor this morning 
He reduced my methadone by 2mls
Down to 26mls
I couldn't think of a reason to argue with him
So I went along with it 
I told him about the job interview last week 
He told me about another patient he saw recently 
Who also went for the job
She was already a home help
Working in the community with the elderly 
So she would have a lot of experience 
I guess that's what I'm up against 
Others who have a vast knowledge of the job
I am starting to think that I have not a chance to get the job
But I do have a plan B
So all is not lost 
I have since found out about two other stables bear enough to my area
Where they take people with mental health issues 
To work along side the horses in a therapeutic environment
So I am excited about that 
I really think I would get so much benefit from that kind of work
As you know 
I am a huge animal lover 
Really it's my ideal job
And getting the value of therapy from it would be an added bonus

So 
Lots to think about 
Lots to get excited about 
If nothing else the interview was good experience 
And I can always ask for feed back to see what areas I can improve on
I guess my health is a priority at the moment 
Physical and mental 
I trust that something for me won't pass me by 
I just need to keep my eyes and ears open 
Be positive 
Open minded 
And willing to learn 
I've come so far 
I'm not going to give up yet
Not by a long shot.....


Saturday, 30 January 2016

New blogs?

I am always on the look out for new blogs
Fresh blood
New writers 
Different takes on ED and addiction
Of course I love and treasure all my regular readers and their blogs 
God knows you keep me going when I feel I can't
But so many gave left blogger over the last couple of years 
Friends that meant a lot to me and other bloggers
It makes me sad
I am just hoping that these bloggers left to live a rich and fulfilled life
And don't need the support of blogger anymore 
Our community has dwindled a lot recently
I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing 
And of course 
I try to read a mixture of blogs
Some who are in recovery
Some who are not 
And some who are somewhere in between 
I like to read the whole story 
From start to finish 

So 
I'm asking you my lovely readers
Maybe you have a new blog
Maybe you know of some exciting new blogs that need a bit of help and support 
Let's welcome some new writers in to our little community 
Let's show what we are all about 
Helping each other get through the tough times 
Pulling each other up
Instead of down
I've read before that some new bloggers find it hard to become part of our community
Probably because we are so tight 
And so close 
I understand that 
When I first started writing almost four years ago
I was welcomed with open arms 
Blogger was buzzing with activity back then 
And I believe it can be like that again
We can make blogger in to that thriving, exciting place it once was
Are you with me?

We desperately need to preserve our community 
We need to make sure there is always a place for the bewildered
The suffering 
The struggling 
The disordered 
The lonely 
The scared 
Blogger has saved my life over and over again 
And I want to make sure it is around for future sufferers 
So if you have a blog
Or you know of some new blogs 
Do let me know 
And we will do our best to welcome them

Friday, 29 January 2016

The day after

I found it really difficult to wind down And relax after yesterday's interview
I had so much anxiety
And so much adrenaline running through my body before hand 
Sitting on that couch 
Waiting to be called in
Was beyond nerve wracking 
I haven't felt that anxious in a long time
I thought it was funny in the interview
When the man said I had a 'very interesting existence up until now'
All I could think was 
Seriously dude
You don't know the half of it
That CV was the PG version of my life
I find people are shocked when I tell them about my past
I guess I don't look like a typical addict
But then what does an addict look like?
Really it could be any of us 
The working mum who drinks a bottle of wine every night to unwind 
The invalid who got addicted to pain medication 
The homeless man addicted to heroin
The young student who tAkes party pills 
Or the housewife who is addicted to over the counter meds
There really is no typical addict 
Addiction knows no boundaries
It crosses gender
Age 
Creed
Religion 
It could happen to anyone 

After the interview yesterday
My mum, my sister and I went for dinner in one of the local pubs
I had bangers and mash
The others both had Turkey and Ham
It was delicious 
And very welcome on a cold winters day
When I got home 
I got straight in to my pyjamas 
And took my meds 
Lit a fire 
And cozied up on the couch for the evening 
The interview was running through my head 
Over and over again on a loop
By 10pm
I was starting to nod off
So I took mused off to bed
Read about three lines of my book
Before falling in to a deep sleep 

Today 
My mum and I brought Lea for a walk
Honey elected to stay in her bed
I don't blame her 
Then we went and did the food shopping 
Before dropping a few items over for my neighbour 
Now
I am looking forward to taking it easy for the day
I have nothing to do
And the whole day to do it 

The interview 
If nothing else
Was a great learning experience 
I learned that I have valuable experience 
That will be perfect, maybe not for this job
But for another job 
I learned that I can feel massive anxiety 
But can push through it and get the job done 
I learned that my life could look interesting to an outsider 
And hopefully 
Because of that 
I will be remembered
I learned that I can walk in to a room with three strangers
And sell myself, my qualities and experience 
I learned that I am not a waste of space 
That all my life experience has not been in vain 
That every little thing in my life 
Has made me who I am today 
And I'm starting to see 
That I am an ok person 
Yes
I have made monumental mistakes in my time 
Sometimes I do such stupid things 
That I think I need my head examined 
But 
I have learned from every mistake 
And most people are kind enough to give a second chance 
Because everyone deserves one 
Every one f**ks up royally once in a while 
That's life
That's human 
That's growing up
If I let every mistake I ever made get me down 
I would never get anywhere 
We have to let it go
We have to  forgive ourselves
Hope others can Too
And move on
I know that I'm not a bad person
Yes I've done some utterly stupid things in my time 
In addiction 
I was cunning, sly, manipulative 
I swear an addict with a bit of a brain is a dangerous combination 
But most people are good
It is rarely you meet someone who is bad to the bone 
Yes, they are out there 
But they are the exception rather than the rule

In other news
I have given up weighing myself 
I'm just not willing to let a stupid little number dictate my mood and self esteem anymore
I'm sick of measuring my self worth in pounds and ounces 
It doesn't matter what I weigh 
It really doesn't 
As long as I am not drastically underweight 
Or drastically over weight
Somewhere in between is absolutely fine 
I'm pretty sure my weight is holding steady though 
As my clothes fit the same
I've had to wear my jeans rolled down at the top
As most of them are too big for me now 
So it's no harm if I gain a few pounds 
I know the too skinny look is not a good one 
Health wise or aesthetically 
So I'm going to use the moderation approach 
Everything in moderation 
Including moderation
That sounds like a good plan to me
And anyway 
Mary has asked me not to weigh at home 
And she will weigh me once a week

That's all from me today folks
Thanks for reading and supporting my blog
See you on the next post...

Thursday, 28 January 2016

The Interview

It's Thursday evening
My interview was at 3pm
All I can say is 
Thank God that it's over
I spent a good two days preparing 
Researching the company
Having typical questions ready to go
I had picked out an outfit of a blue shirt, black trousers and a grey jacket that sinched in at the waist
But when I tried it on in the morning
My mum said that it made me look very thin
So I reverted back to the original black jacket which at least gave me a bit of shape
I spent yesterday morning going over all the information I had gathered
Put myself together as best as I could
But needless to say
I was very nervous
I decided not to take my mega until after the interview
As I wanted to be fully awake and alert

The weather was atrocious as we were leaving to go to the interview
My mother drove 
As my car is full of dog hair
I had to put a bigger coat on
As it was freezing 
We arrived at the interview about ten minutes before 
I made my way inside 
And sat on the couch outside the meeting room
I took my bigger coat off
I also had a small bag
So I was trying to sit myself in a position where it would be easy to grab both
And still have a hand free to shake hands with the interviewers
So I put my jacket and bag over my right arm 
But then realised that I shake with my right hand
So I moved all to my left arm
And literally perched on the edge of the seat
Ready to go

The previous applicant came out of the room
An older woman with, yes you've guessed it, a black suit
It seems you were right about the black suits Louisa
The manager popped her head out and said she would be with me shortly 
I was practically off the seat by this point 
Just wishing it was all over 
Two minutes later 
I was called in 
The manager introduced me to the two other interviewers
I couldn't tell you who they are
Or what their names are 
I didn't hear a word that was said 
I was so busy trying to sit down and not have a complete panic attack
The male interviewer started 
He told me about the position 
The pay
What's expected of an employee
He then turned to my application
'You've led a very interesting existence' he said 
I laughed a nervous chuckle 
We went through my work history
The dancing 
The pizzeria 
The bank
I also mentioned in my form about my writing
The man seemed very interested in my blog
And what, how and why it worked
I hope my passion and enthusiasm came across in what I do
One of the ladies asked me do I write under a nom de plume
Thankfully I knew what she was talking about 
Because I could easily have forgotten given the stress of the situation
They also asked what I could bring to the job
Do I work well as part of a team
Have I ever been in a crisis 
How did i deal with it 
Dealing with difficult people
Was there anything in my previous jobs 
I thought I could improve on
Fortunately
I had spoke to a friend who works in this area
And he really helped with 'buzz words'
I tried to speak slowly and clearly
Make good eye contact
And generally show that I am a capable and able person
Who puts 100% in to everything I do
Thankfully 
The interviewers didn't pick up on a couple of gaps in my work history
I did allude that my blog was about health and lifestyle 
But they asked no more about that 
As the interview progressed
I did relax a little 
I hope my personality came through
And I came across well
I tried to sell myself to the best of my ability
Which does not come naturally to me
As an Irish person
We are notoriously bad at putting ourselves out there
And showing what we can do
We are taught from a young age to be humble in the regard
So it is difficult in an interview 
At times
I felt like I was repeating myself 
But some of the questions were similar
So I hope that's ok
Before I knew it
It was all over 
They asked me if I was happy with the interview
Which I was 
They also mentioned that I don't have a lot of experience in this industry
And I guess that has stuck in my mind 
I did tell them about helping my elderly neighbour 
So hopefully that will go some way to helping my case
And that was it 
I thanked them
And The manager walked me out
On my way out the door I saw the next candidate 
An older man 
I was starting to wonder if I had a chance at all
Maybe they were looking for someone more mature 
I don't know
They said they will let me know one way or another next week

I got back in to the car
And my mum and I headed to a local pub 
To meet my sister for dinner
I was still wound up after the interview
I was thinking of things that I could and should have said
Going over what I did say
Did I say enough?
Was I babbling? 
Did I make any sense at all?
I would have loved some feedback from them
But I guess I can request that after I find out if I got the job or not
I had to go through the whole thing three times
Once to mum
Then to my sister 
Then my Dad who phoned while we were at dinner
Oh I forgot to say
Mary sent me a good luck text this morning
Which was so nice of her 
Everyone around me was a brilliant support 
My family 
Friends 
And you 
Who even though I have never met any of you
I felt your love and support every step of the way

So that's it
Done and dusted 
I've done all I can do 
I just have to let go of the stress and nerves
If I get it
Brilliant
If I don't
On to the next thing
And learn from this 
That was my first interview in years
So if nothing
It was a good experience 
Thank you for your continued support
You guys have been nothing short of amazing
I'd be lost without you