Tuesday, 13 October 2015

'Damn Unpretty'

I'm in the mood to complain 
So please bear with me 
 I'm  struggling a lot at the moment
With my appearance 
My weight
My shape 
My face 
My hair 
I just feel really ugly 
I feel like I have no redeeming features at the moment
My face is pale and puffy
My hair is grey, limp and lifeless
My scalp has been attacked by a bout of psoriasis 
Meaning it looks like it's snowing from my head
And the medication for it makes my hair horribly greasy 
I've stopped tanning
So my colour is rapidly fading 
So all in all
I feel like a big fat heffalump

Trying to find something to wear of a morning
Is becoming increasingly difficult and stressful
I try on item after item
And I feel like it just doesn't suit me
Doesn't fit me properly 
Or it makes me look fat
I just can't seem to win these days

I know looks aren't everything
I know that what counts is on the inside 
But when you feel so ugly
That Is of little consulation 
I accepted a long time ago
That I would never be one of the beautiful ones
At my best 
In good lighting 
And with a good dollop of make up
I am something approaching pretty
In a kind of girl next door kind of way
But beautiful?
That was never me 
And I've accepted that I never will be 
And that's ok
It just means I've had to develop a personality 
And often that can take you further than beauty 

I am not 
And have never been a girly girl
I've always been something of a Tomboy
I didn't play with dolls growing up
I didn't covet pretty dresses 
I preferred to play in the fields around our house 
Yes, I did ballet
But our teacher was never conventional 
And we did all sorts of dancing 
Not just your  tu-tu type of dancing 
I've also always been slim
Being a competitive swimmer and dancer 
I was always pin thin
Even though at the time I thought my thighs were huge
I look back on photos 
And I see I was wonderfully petite 
It's a pity I couldn't enjoy it at the time 

I can remember when I gave up dancing 
I had heard that when you stopped dancing 
Your muscles turned to fat 
And was even told it had happened to a certain girl 
I was terrified 
And it was part of the reason I started smoking 
To control my weight 
Thinking back
I can see that I was weight and shape conscious from an early age 
Being in ballet attire 
And a swimming suit a lot of the time
My body was on show
And I was very aware of that 
I can remember my ballet teacher told me once 
That I was becoming too thin
And losing too much weight 
I can remember being secretly pleased 
Of course I didn't really need to worry about my weight when I was so active 
I trained before school
After school 
Then ballet 
The gym 
I was always on the go 
But even when I gave up all the activity 
I still remained slim
It wasn't until I left home 
That I put on a few pounds 
But no where near over weight 
I remember I was eating a breakfast roll for lunch 
And pasta for dinner everyday 
With no exercise 
So I did become a little round and rotund 
But again 
I lost it as quickly as I put it on

Then came the drug years 
I literally ate nothing at this time 
And the weight fell off me 
I really looked like a typical drug addict 
Under weight 
Huge black eyes 
Sunken cheeks 
And a haunted look on my face 
At the time 
I had no idea that I was so thin
But I do remember that not eating made me feel good
So in reality 
I think my ED started probably a lot sooner than the age I thought it did
I always say that it started when I was 19
But if I am honest 
It started a lot earlier than that
At least the thinking and the behaviours did 
My teenage years laid the ground work for a very serious ED

Since the age of 19
My weight has fluctuated wildly
Even to this day 
My weight changes on a daily basis 
Over the years 
My BMI has gone from 13 to 23 
And back again 
Over and over 
I have no idea what my weight is now
As I just can't bring myself to weigh
I did lose some weight on holidays 
But it seems that I have quickly put it back on
And then some 
I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment 
I'm constantly changing and adjusting my clothes 
And buying new clothes
In an attempt to make myself feel better
But of course 
That is just another addiction
An item of clothing can't mend the way I am feeling 
I know I need to work from the inside out
I need to like 
And love myself as a person
Before I like the outside 
I'm doing my best to be a good person 
To do the right thing
And to be the best person I can be 
But it's hard to feel good  when you can't look at yourself in the mirror without cringing 
And feeling so horribly grotesque 
I compare aswell
I look at other girls 
They seem so together 
So confident and cool
And I just feel like a bumbling, awkward 34 year old 
Who neither feels or looks her age 
I still feel like a gangly teenager
Who has not quite grown in to their face or body 
I can't remember the last time I felt pretty  
I know it was a long time ago 
I've looked back over the photos of Turkey
And I've had to delete so so many 
And leave the ones that I can just about tolerate 

I'm tired of hating myself 
I just don't have the energy anymore
I'm not asking for much 
I don't want to be a supermodel 
Or skinny 
I just want to feel ok to be me 
I want to be able to put on an outfit in the morning 
Look in the mirror 
And feel content with what I see
I don't want to try on every item in my wardrobe 
And still not be able to find something that makes me look nice 
Of a day 
I might change my clothes 3 or 4 times 
Constantly looking through my clothes 
To see if they fit 
If they look ok 
It's exhausting 
I don't want to hate on myself anymore
It's very hard to be in recovery 
And feel so awful about myself 
I'm supposed to feel good now that I am recovering 
I'm supposed to accept and like my body a lot more 
But I don't
So where do I go from here?

I guess 
I acknowledge that my appearance is only a very small part of me
Am a whole person 
My weight and appearance are just the shell that incases who I really am
But even still
It's important for me to feel comfortable in my own skin 
To feel like I present well
And look the best that I can
It's tough at the moment 
As I look in the mirror 
And I hate what I see 
Hate is a strong word 
But it's appropriate in this instance 
I hate the way I look 

I'm hoping that this is a phase 
A bump in the road that is recovery 
I know us ED girls struggle a lot with these things 
Especially in recovery 
When our bodies are changing so much 
I'm not going to let these feeling get the better of me 
I will continue to fight against my ED 
And my hatred of myself 
I will carry on with the work I am doing 
With being a good person 
Being a survivor of anorexia and addiction
I should be glad that I have a body at all
After what I've put it through 
I should be grateful that I am here at all 
And should love every inch of myself 
It doesn't come to me easily though
Hate comes more naturally to me 
I will keep fighting though 
I will keep believing that this will improve 
That my core beliefs about myself will change 
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder 
I wonder any one could find me attractive 
And have all but given up hope that I will find someone to share my life with
I will make the best of my situation
I will make the most of what I've got 
What is the alternative? 
Lie down and give up
That's not my style 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
Do you ever feel this way
Like you can't stand yourself?
Do you struggle with liking the way you look?
Do you find that you measure your worth in the way you look?
How do you deal with this?
Does it effect other areas of your life?
I'd love to know....

Monday, 12 October 2015

Stats and blogs

Sometimes it seems that blogger is so quiet
And thar it's all happening over on Wordpress
I did start a blog over on WP in 2013
Called Poppy Recovering
It's still there as far as I know
Then myself and the lovely Annie set up a blog there called Partners in Crime
We wanted it to be a positive recovery blog
But alas 
We were both unable to continue
As we were both struggling 

I actually came across WP before I came across blogger
The first blog I ever started reading was Recovering Anorexic
It was amazing to find that blog
As she wrote about things I was afraid to
I think she really blazed a trail for us ED bloggers 
She blogged anonymously
But had to delete her blog
As her anonymity was compromised 
She had experienced recovery
But the last time I read her blog
She was in the midst of a relapse 
Her honesty was so inspiring 
And was one of the reasons I started writing my own blog 
I remember she commented on my blog a couple of times 
I was so delighted 
I think she still writes 
Under a different name
But I haven't been able to find her blog

My stints over on WP never lasted 
I always felt drawn back to and then she disappeared
As I have such a fondness for this blog
And the people here
I feel like this is my blogging home 
I found WP much more difficult to navigate 
And although there are some amazing blogs
And amazing writers over there
Blogger is where I belong 

I started writing this blog three and a half years ago 
Since then 
I have written 932 posts 
Made so many wonderful friends 
Won awards 
Took part in a TV show
Helped students with projects
Guest posted for other blogs
And written articles for magazines 
So much amazing stuff has happened through writing this blog
It just goes to show 
If you put yourself out there 
Such brilliant things can happen 

I check my stats regularly 
As I like to see which countries are reading 
I'm always blown away 
When I see views from Russia
And Lebanon 
And Australia 
I think most people who read my blog don't comment 
And then I have my regulars 
Who without fail always reach out and comment 
Whether I get one comment
Or one hundred comments 
It makes my day when someone takes the time and energy to write and send love to me 
That's why I always reply to comments 
I want to pay back the Iove someone has shown me 

I Aldo check page views 
Out of curiosity
I get an average of 700 page views per day 
I have no idea if that is a lot or a little
So I was wondering about you
Do you check your stats?
How often?
 What is your average page views per day?
Does it bother you if your stats are low?
Inquiring minds want to know....

Sunday, 11 October 2015

Big dogs V Small dogs

Someone left a comment on my blog yesterday
Wondering what happened with the dog shelter
I know I haven't mentioned it
But I am starting  there next week 
I spoke to them before I went away
And we agreed next week would be the best time to start
As I had my driving lessons and test this week 
I am still very much looking forward to starting at the dog shelter 
It will happen 
One way or another 

In other news 
While we were away
My Dad looked after Honey and Lea
They love him 
:Mostly because he spoils them rotten 
And is constantly feeding them 
I came home to two quite pudgey dogs 
So I am trying to exercise then more
And give them less treats 
It's hard 
But I know I have to do it if I want them to stay happy and healthy
It's tough because one of the ways I show love to my dogs is to feed them
I love nothing more than watching them gobble down their dinner 
Or lying out in the garden gnawing on a juicy bone 
It makes me happy when they are happy

I saw this on Facebook today
Honey and Lea to a T

Big Dogs:  Hello wonderful human being!
Would you please rub my belly
And scratch my ears?!
I will be eternally grateful for your attention.
Do not be alarmed by my large appearance
I just love to cuddle and give kisses
I will be your best friend forever

Small Dogs:  Fight me you fuck! 
I will fuck your shit up!
You wanna piece of me?!
Let's go!
I will fucking end you!
I may be tiny but do not underestimate me!
I am your worst nightmare!!!

Saturday, 10 October 2015

Memories of Turkey

I'm only now sorting all of the things I bought in Turkey
Presents for friends and family 
Keepsakes for myself 
We actually brought an empty bag with
Because we knew we'd have more coming back than we had going out
As we all know
I am a dedicated and passionate shopper 
My favourite day of our holiday
Was in the Grand Bizarre 
Haggling with the traders
And trying to get a good price
The thing with haggling is 
That both parties should come out of it happy
Often the initial price a trader gives you
Will be greatly inflated 
And they expect you to haggle with them
But not insult them

So here is some of my haul....

Turkish Slippers were 65 Turkish Lira and bought for 50  


New Balance trainers

Turkish bathrobe was 65 Turkish Lira and bought for 50

Topkapi Palace t-shirt

Soap for a friend

The evil eye to ward off evil spirits

Couldn't resist this notebook

Money maker?

My sister has a real business head on her shoulders
She worked in Sydney Australia for ten years as a project manager
So she is very computer literate 
She thinks logically 
And is the designated technical support person in our house
I swear we would be lost without her
And were while she was away
She is home over a year now
And she took the first year to find her feet here
And to look after her mental health
She is now doing well
She has come off her meds 
And feels able to look for work now 
So she has moved 6 hours away
To stay with her partner 
While she looks for work
As there is just no work here for her
Or for anyone for that matter 

For a while now 
My sister has been telling me 
That I should try and make some money from my blog 
And that it's a valid way to make an income 
I guess my blog is like a job in a lot of ways 
I do it at the same time every day 
I put a lot of work and energy in to it
And I pour my heart and soul in to it
For a long time 
It really didn't matter to me whether my blog made money or not 
It wasn't about money 
And it's still not about money
But I can't lie 
It would be amazing if I could earn some sort of living out of writing my blog

I've seen blogs with advertisements 
And I'm not sure I want to go that route 
Especially not if its some thing to do with weigh loss or anything like that
That goes against everything my blog stands for 
And I don't want the tone and flow of the blog to be tarnished with ads 
My sister also thinks I should make my blog in to an E-Book
I don't know quite how that works 
But I am definitely interested 
I mean 
I can write 
But all the other stuff 
Like logistics and computers 
I'm not so good at 

I guess these days 
There are more and more ways to make money on line
You have Youtubers 
And people who write books
Self publish books 
And if there was a way to make money from my blog 
Apart from advertisements 
I would definitely do it 

I haven't worked in quite a while 
My last job was teaching dance to kids 
It was something that I set up myself 
And went on to have four classes a week 
I've had many jobs since leaving school
Everything from working in a factory 
To being a teller in a bank 
I'm really not good in those type of jobs though 
And I think I do better in a more creative type of post 
Or working with animals 
Which I am so passionate about 

My blog is something that I love to do 
Even if I never made a penny out of it 
I would still do it 
It means more to me than money ever could 
Making money from it would be a bonus 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
Have you ever thought about making money from your blog? 
Would you put ads on your blog? 
Have you ever thought about publishing an E-Book?
Inquiring minds want to know.....

Friday, 9 October 2015

Back on track

I woke up this morning feeling a little better
The past few mornings 
I've really struggled to wake up
And to get up
I just wanted to sleep the day away
And completely zone out
But I can't do that 
I have two dogs that rely on me to let them out in the morning
To walk them 
To feed them
And to play with them 
And thank God I do
Because otherwise I don't think I would ever get out of bed

I guess an accumulation of things have got to me over the last week
Coming home from my holiday 
Failing my driving test
Being attacked on my blog
And losing weight all contributed to being a big ol' bump in the road for me
But that's life I guess 
You just have to roll with punches

I suppose I'm back to reality now 
Back to everyday life 
Back to my humdrum existence 
I know it's up to me to get back on track now 
I need to make some decisions
I need to decide whether I want to be in recovery from drugs or not
Because I am misusing my meds 
And in my book 
That is as good as using 
It alters my mood
It gets me out of my head
And if I do choose recovery 
I need to decide whether I want to do it the 12 step way
And go to meetings 
And work a programme 
And really get a good foundation in my recovery

I haven't been to a meeting in a few months now
And once I stop going 
It's really very hard to go back
And the longer you leave it
The harder it becomes 

I met a girl this morning from the meetings 
I chatted to her for a while 
It was nice 
I could see the recovery in her
And hear it in her voice
I want that 
I want that peace of mind 
That confidence 
And contentment 
I haven't  been in touch with any of my friends since before I went away 
It's a bit of a sad fact 
That my online social life 
Is a lot more active than my real live one 

I've had to deal with a lot of cravings recently
On holidays 
It was smoking 
I was dying for a cigarette 
As everyone in Turkey seems to smoke 
And I've also been having a lot of using dreams 
They are always the same 
The same people 
The same scenario 
It's so vivid 
And do real 
That when I wake up I'm in a cold sweat 
I saw a show recently about methadone users in Dublin
It was lazy journalism if you ask me
They didn't report from outside Dublin
And all the participants were stereotypical drug addicts 
I think sometimes people in this country forget that there is life beyond Dublin 

I think I wrote about having a drink on the plane on the way to Turkey
I don't know why I did 
I saw others drinking 
And I wanted one too 
This was the third instance that I have taken a drink in recent times 
As I always suspected 
I don't like the effect that alcohol has on me 
I'm a horrible drunk
I talk complete bullshit 
And either become really annoying 
Or really emotional
I think it's safe to say that I can't hold my drink 
I think also the thing I don't like about drink and drugs 
Is that  it's not real 
Anything you feel 
You say 
You do while under the influence is not real
It's all fake 
The friendships 
The relationships 
The conversations 
None of it is real 
When I was using heroin
I hung around in a particular group of people 
We had nothing in common
Only the drug 
We had nothing to say to each other 
Until after we took the drug
Then we acted like best friends 
There is no loyalty in addiction
Who ever you are with that day is your best buddy 
Until the drug wears off
And then you are back to being strangers again 
I know that I can't use or drink
Even now and again 
As with a lot of things with me 
It's all or nothing
Black or white 

This post really is to let you know that I'm  not giving up 
Not just yet anyway 
I have come too far to turn back now 
And I've now seen what life could be like for me 
If I persevere in my recovery 
Over that last week 
I just wanted to fall apart 
To just lie down and let my ED and addiction wash over me
And consume me 
But I won't let that happen if I can help it 
I will continue to fight 
Continue you to seek a better life 
For me and my family 

Since I started writing my blog three and a half years ago 
Amazing things have happened 
I've won awards 
I've met the most amazing people 
Who I now call friends 
I've participated in studies
Helped students with projects
And more recently was contacted by a magazine to write an article
More of which to come 
I've been contacted by people from all over the world 
People who are also suffering 
Concerned family members 
My blog has been an amazingly strong force for good in my life 
And I am so grateful for that 
As we all know 
There is strength in numbers 
And I truly believe that by joining forces together 
We can put up a resistance to mental health issues 
And addiction 

I guess sometimes 
I can get a little overwhelmed by my situation
Writing that piece for the magazine 
It brought me back to my past 
And the reasons I turned to drugs and food 
It can all seem like too much when I condense it like that 
I suppose I feel like I am at a disadvantage a lot of the time 
I have had to fight tooth and nail
To get to the point where most people start off
I struggle just to get through the day 
Without completely losing my mind
Or my marbles 
I try my best every day
To be the best version of myself that I can be
I've come a long way in the last year 
But there is much work to be done 
I am trying though 
And with the help of my family 
I know I will get there 

I also wanted to say thank you
To you my little blogger family 
For being there 
Every single step of the way
For believing in me 
When I didn't believe in myself
For reading 
For commenting
For emailing and texting 
You have been nothing short of amazing 
And I love and treasure every one of you 

So if you are feeling low today
If you feel like hope is slipping away 
That you are so tired of holding on
Of fighting 
Of trying to be well
I want to urge you to keep going 
I promise you
Things can and will get better 
All we have to do is deal with this day 
24 hours 
Anything is possible in that space of time 
Our whole lives can transform in the space of a day 
The important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other
And keep going 
Do what you have to do to stay well
Take time for yourself 
Put yourself first 
Be kind to you 
And gentle 
Because you are worth it
And you deserve to be as well as you can 
So please 
If you do one thing 
Say to yourself 
I'm exactly where I am supposed to be 
Because you are
We all are
We are good people 
Yes you too
You are a good person
And you deserve to be well and happy 
We all do 
So please 
Do this today 
You won't regret it
I promise you 

Thursday, 8 October 2015


This is me 
I am struggling right now
Trying my best to get back on track
Trying not to let this dip turn in to a slip
Or a relapse 
This is the face of a girl who is fighting 
Fighting for a better life
For her and her family 
This is the face of a girl who is insecure
She is afraid 
Sometimes it feels like she is on the edge 
That she is going to free fall in to her ED or addiction 
She is worried 
Worried that she is not strong enough
Not good enough 
Not pretty enough 
Not smart enough 
She worries all the time 

This is the face of a girl who smiles 
Even though she is crying on the inside 
Sometimes she feels like she is going to fall apart 
Fall down 
And crumble 
She tries her best to keep it all together 
To do her best 
But sometimes she can't 

This is the face of a girl who wants to be a good person
Tries her best to do the right thing
She doesn't always succeed 
But the important thing is to try 
This girl makes mistakes 
Every single day 
But she tries to learn from them
And move on 

This girl is afraid of relapsing
She knows that she is in a precarious situation at the moment 
She has lost weight 
She is feeling vulnerable 
She is equally thrilled and terrified at the prospect of slipping 

This girl craves oblivion
Every day she has to fight the urge to check off the planet 
To escape 
To run 
To hide 

This girl is doing her best 
To be a good person
To do the right thing 
To be a good daughter
Doggy mama
She is trying her best 
And she hopes that is good enough