Monday, 30 May 2016


You know the way I've been not weighing myself
And don't even keep a scales in the house anymore 
This morning 
My usual doctor was back 
And as I sat in the seat opposite him
The scales beckoned me 
I asked if I could weigh myself 
He said sure
So I kicked of my trainers 
And walked over to said scales 
I tapped it 
Waited for it to stop flashing 
And tentatively stepped on
The numbers bounced around 
Until they settled on an amount 
I looked 
And registered the number in my brain 
I'm up two kilos 
At first 
I felt massive disappointment 
Failure even 
My doctor asked me what the number was
And I reluctantly told him
I didn't really hear anything else he said after that 
I was lost in my own weight related thoughts 
I left the room 
My head spinning 
I looked at my reflection in the glass on the way out 
I looked the same 
I looked ok
Did these two kilos even matter?
Right then it did
It mattered more than anything else in the world 

I headed up to the pharmacy 
Handed in my script 
And sat down to blog 
I have to say
After the initial shock of seeing the number
I already had a diet plan in mind 
I was already buying a new scale 
And a new notebook to record my weight
But as I wrote 
I was reminded of all the good things on my life at the moment 
I mean
Does two kilos even matter?
I began to feel a little better then
I know my weight can fluctuate wildly 
And I'm actually sorry that I weighed myself 
Nothing else happened this morning 
I didn't gain two kilos since this morning 
And I was ok with my weight this morning
The only thing that has changed since then 
Is that I weighed myself 
I measured my self worth in kilos and grams 
And that is just not right 

So no
I won't be crash dieting 
I won't be weighing myself regularly 
I won't watch what I eat 
This is the weight that my body needs to be at right now 
It's a healthy weight for my height
I am no where near over weight 
Everything is ok
I am ok 
Just the way I am 
At first 
I felt a massive urge to buy a new scale 
But I didn't 
And I won't 
I know that is a slippery slope 
I'm not even going to work out my BMI
It doesn't matter 
Not one little bit 

I just have to keep my eye on the prize 
On all the good things that are happening for me at the moment 
Am I going to let two kilos ruin that?
Absolutely no way 
Not in this life 
Not to this girl 
I actually now regret weighing myself 
No good ever comes from it
And I end up feeling like a failure 
A waste of space 
But the n msun thing is 
That I keep my head and take each day as it comes 
Shift by shift
Hour by hour 
I'm in tomorrow and Thursday for more training 
And I officially start on Friday evening 
A four hour shift
The next four days I have full days 
I just hope I can do this 
and I don't make a total mess of it 
I will do my best 
That's all I can do

Having said all that 
I was wondering about you 
Do you work?
Are you full
Or part time?
How long have you been working?
What do you do?
And do you enjoy it?
Have you any tips for me?
Inquiring minds want to know... Xx

Sunday, 29 May 2016

The Day of Rest

This weekend 
I am taking the opportunity to relax and get prepared for the start of my working week next Friday
I am in for more training Tuesday and Thursday 
Then my first live shift is the evening shift on Friday
That weekend is a bank holiday weekend here 
So I will be working Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday
These consecutive days will really give me a chance to throw myself in at the deep end 
And get stuck in 
Georgina keeps reiterating 
That this job is mainly about common sense 
I just hope I have enough 
I really hope I can do this 
And I haven't bitten off more than I can chew 
I feel like at the moment
There is a huge clock, counting down to my first shift 
D Day 
I am both terrified and excited to start work 
All I can do is my best 
And I will most definitely give it my all
If I can just hold my nerve 
And turn up for work everyday
I really think it will do me the power of good 
With my confidence 
Self esteem
I can't stress enough 
How important this job is 
I really think it will make or break me
But maybe I shouldn't put too much pressure on myself 
Maybe I should take it day by day
Shift by shift 
And go from there 

I went horse riding again yesterday 
I was on Princess
And was instructed by Roisin
For a change 
We went out to the outdoor arena 
As the weather was fine
It felt great to ride out in the fresh air 
I felt so free
Princess is starting to co-operate with me 
But I really need to work on my control of the horse 
We did a lot of trotting 
Jumped some small jumps 
And did a good bit of cantering towards the end of the session 
It was brilliant 
Every time I go 
I just want to do more and more 
I would do it every single day if I could 
It gives me a natural high
A feeling that drugs used to give me 
Except this is better 
There are no negative effects
It's good for me 
I am so grateful to have found something that I am passionate about 
That feeds my soul
It's also something to work at 
To progress and improve 
Something to work towards 
I can't explain to you how much I love it 
I'm actually surprised that I haven't found riding until now 
I guess dancing was my thing when I was younger 
And then I went off the rails after that 
So horse riding never really came up for me 
I've found it now 
And better late than never right?

That's really all to report for today folks 
Life is good 
I am good 
You can't ask for much more than that....

Thursday, 26 May 2016

Long day and lots to learn

I had a full day of training yesterday
Hence why I didn't post
By the time I got home 
My brain was throbbing with the amount of information I absorbed 
So yes
The other new girl, Sinead, and I were in yesterday 
I thought we were just going over a couple of things 
But we were there for six hours in total
And boy was there a lot to take in
Georgina was training us 
And again
She was super clear and direct about what we need to do
And what is expected of us
She went through a massive folder with us 
Of policies and procedures 
She gave us a huge aray of scenarios that might happen while we are on duty
It really was an eye opener
As Georgina told us story after story 
Some very distressing 
She told us about the broad spectrum of people who will be staying in the centre
From women's groups 
To families 
To single people 
To old peoples groups 
Also people with mental health issues 
And addiction
She talked about drugs quite a bit 
And I could feel myself becoming uncomfortable 
And began to wonder if I should tell her about my own addiction history 
I have told her about my ED 
But have not divulged anything about drugs 
I decided to hold off until I was on my own with her 
We had a lunch break at 1pm
And we went down to the old folks house for a much needed cuppa
Myself and Sinead bonded over our respective piercings 
I was told yesterday 
That I might have to remove my piercings 
Which is annoying 
But nothing was said today 
So I'm hoping they won't bring it up again
Sinead is lovely 
She's 19
And full of energy 
Mentally I think I am around her age 
So I think we'll get on well
After lunch 
It was back to run through fire drills 
Panic buttons 
And so on 
We finished up around 4pm
And I was glad to get out and get some fresh air
We do have a dress code 
Which is dark trousers and a dark or white top
So I'm just organising what I do have 
I have a few pairs of black trousers 
All different sizes of course 
But I'm sure I'll find something suitable 

Today again 
Georgina held me back to have a chat with me 
She is keeping an eye on me
And asked me how I felt about the job now 
And did I think it would be too much 
I was honest with her 
And told her that I bounced from being super excited 
To being completely terrified
I also decided to tell her about my drug history 
She took it well
I asked if it changed anything she said not at all
But to not tell everyone about it 
Which I wouldn't anyway 
I explained that I have been stable a long time 
And have great support 
She asked about these supports 
And what my family thought of my taking this job
I told her that my Mum thinks this will be fantastic for me 
And my whole family is behind me
Georgina can see that I am lacking confidence 
But she said working in the centre will be perfect for me
And that I will flourish there 
She also told me that I did a great interview back a few months ago
And that there was a genuine warmth off me 
Which was lovely to hear 
I guess when I feel myself wobble about the job
I refer to my Mum and Georgina
Two strong smart women 
Who have looked me in the eye 
And told me with such conviction
That I can do this 
And not only can I do it 
I will be good at it
It's great to have others believe in you 
When you have very little faith in yourself
I came home yesterday evening 
Absolutely knackered 
My head hurt with the amount of information that it processed
I told my Mam all about the house and the training 
Man thinks it sounds like the perfect place for me to restart my working life
Because the centre is non profit
They are not driven by money 
So where as in one of the hotels 
I would just be a number 
In this job 
I am Ruby 
And Georgina makes it very clear that she wants it to work for me as much as she wants it to work for the centre
Which is why she is so accommodating with the hours
I know I am blessed to work in such a place 
It's a place where I can get a good foundation of confidence and skills
And then being so understanding about my conditions is just a breath of fresh air 

I have a few days off now 
I'm back in for training next Tuesday and Thursday 
Then have my first live shift Friday
I'm using my days off to recharge 
To relax 
To go to my meetings 
And horse riding 
To make sure my recovery is on track 
And that all my ducks are in a row 
It's funny 
Now that I have more in my life 
My ED and addiction have taken a back seat 
Of course 
Life is not perfect 
But now my mind is not preoccupied with thoughts of food and weight 
I don't have a scales 
So I don't weigh myself 
And I don't miss it 
As long as my clothes fit 
And I feel good 
Well that's all that matters 
I can't lie 
I still purge from time to time 
But it is no where near they way it was 
When I was purging 10 - 20 times a day 
I swear I wonder how I managed to get to the age of 34 in one piece!
But I did 
I'm still alive and kicking 
And ready to face another challenge
It's strange to think that as recently as Christmas 
I was really struggling 
But as I always say 
As quickly as things can go belly up
They can also turn around just as fast 
And I am writing this post 
To let you know 
That there is most definitely life after an eating disorder and addiction
This is not a fluke 
Or an accident 
My recovery is down to hard work and determination
I truly believe that anything is possible if you put your mind to it 
I am living proof that your life could be in the toilet 
But you can still climb out 
And live a full life 
I remember Mary saying to me that positivity breeds positivity 
The same with energy 
Once you see a glimpse of what life could be like 
It's a huge reason to keep going
Of course 
My life is not perfect 
I struggle day to day 
With eating enough 
With body image 
With self confidence and self esteem 
I am too hard on myself 
And doubt myself a lot 
But I am doing the best that I can with what I have got
That's all any of us can do 
So please 
Take some comfort in knowing that I was in the gutter 
Addicted to heroin
With a chronic eating disorder 
There wasn't much hope for me 
I was lucky 
My family pulled me through
Never gave up on me 
I have been extremely blessed with the people in my life 
Especially the women 
Strong women are a role model for me
And I'm fortunate to have a lot in my life 
My mother who is my hero
My two sisters 
My aunties 
Ladies at the meetings 
I now know what it takes to be a strong woman 
And some day I hope to be someone who others look up to 

I'm off to have a little rest 
And spend some time with Mam and the dogs 
Wishing you a happy Friday 
And see you on the next post......

Wednesday, 25 May 2016


Before I get in to this post
I want to thank you all
For your comments, emails and texts 
For you well wishes 
And kind words of encouragement 
They mean more than you will ever know
Something that gives me a real boost
Is knowing that all of you beautiful ladies are behind me
And rooting for me
I really feel the love you send my way
And it is much appreciated 
I wanted to reply to the anonymous commenter 
Who implied that I don't have my priorities straight
That I should fit my activities around my job
And not the other way around 
To me 
My riding 
My meetings 
And my appointments are all as important to me as my job
My activities during the week are what keep me going 
Without them 
I know I would go down hill very quickly
So as you can imagine 
I am very keen and determined to keep them up 
For me 
My recovery is a combination of things 
And they are all of equal importance 
Of course in an ideal world 
I would work full time 
And do my bits at the weekend 
However it is mostly weekends that I am working 
And I prefer it that way 
I find weekends can be long and boring 
So I am excited to be busy doing things at that time 
I am down to work on Wednesday 
From 8am - 12pm
So I had to swap with another girl 
And now I am doing the 4pm - 8pm
So I can still go riding 
But this still poses a problem 
In that usually I am wrecked tired after riding 
And the last thing I am wanting to do is head in to put in a four hour shift at work 
I will try it for the first few weeks 
And see how I get on

I rang the other horse riding place today
And they can't facilitate my lessons during the week
So it looks like I will miss riding there for the next while 
Another thing that was suggested to me 
Was that when I go out for my lesson
That I stay for two lessons 
To make it more worth my while 
But I guess I have to accept that things will be a bit all overcrowd place for the next couple of months 
And there is sweet f#*k all I can do about that 
I trust that it will all work out for the best 

I'm off to make dinner for myself and the patient
See you on the next post....

Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Work induction

I'm just back from my first day of work induction
Myself and another girl were there to meet the manager
And to go through what we will be doing 
And our hours 
Most of my hours are at the weekend 
With one short evening shift on a Wednesday
So really and truly it doesn't interfere with my other activities 
I will still get to horse riding Wednesday morning
To my meetings 
And appointments 
Which is great
I'll be working about 22 hours a week
Which means my disability will be effected slightly 
But that's ok
I will get to keep the majority of it
I actually found out this week
That I can only earn €120 or less each week without my disability being effected
So that's less than ten hours a week
Which wouldn't be worth my while
Or my employers 
So any hours over that ten
My disability will be cut on a sliding scale 
I think it will all work out fine
I'm going to do the 22 hours
I think it will be good for me 

We were given so much information today
It was mind boggling 
The other girl there was a lot younger than me 
Early twenties I'd say
But we had a little chat
And she seems lovely 
Georgina is the manager 
And she is very firm but fair 
I like her a lot 
There is no nonsense about her 
She gave us a lot of possible scenarios that could possibly happen 
The holiday centre is a non profit centre for those who ordinarily couldn't afford a holiday 
It is run by a charity called St. Vincent de Paul
They also run a thrift shop
And an elderly care home 
I did the interview for the job back in February
And it has been a long process to get this far
But I am super excited to start working 
Georgina emphasised that the three things key to the centre
Are friendliness, cleanliness and good food 
She really gave us a great introduction to working there 
I'm back in on Thursday to meet the rest of the staff
We finished up at lunch time
And I seized the opportunity to have a quick chat with Georgina 
She needed my bank details and things 
And while we were doing some paperwork
She asked me if I thought it would be too much for me 
As I had explained to her the last time we met about my ED
And how I am in recovery 
I was honest with her
At first 
I felt a little out of my depth
This is my first proper job in quite a while 
And I told her it was a confidence thing with me more than anything else
Georgina assured me that she had every confidence and faith in me
And said I would be like a new woman by the end of the three months working 
It was nice to hear that she believes in me
I just wish I had the same belief in myself 
But I guess that will come in time

I really think this job could be a life changer for me 
If I can just face my fears and anxieties 
Turn up 
And give it my best 
I start officially June 3rd
So I have just over a week to get myself prepared 
I know I'm going to be nervous
Starting a new job is tough for anyone 
And throw in a few mental health issues
And an addiction to drugs
It could all go very wrong
But I'm choosing to be positive 
And to go in with a clear and level and open mind 
I know the first few shifts will be bumpy 
As I get used to their way of doing things 
But I know if I can just hang in there
It could be the making of me 
It could give me back my confidence 
That I so desperately miss
It could help me see that I am capable and able to work
It could even be a stepping stone on to more work 
I'm a hard worker 
And I love to be busy 
Love to be on the go all the time 
And this job will most definitely be busy 
Which will suit me down to the ground 

Because of the nature of the work
I will be dealing with vulnerable people 
People with mental health issues
For some people 
This will be their first holiday
People who might not be used to a structured environment 
Who don't eat three square meals a day 
We are situated on the towns main road 
So anyone can wander in
And it will be up to me to deal with these people 
I hope given the fact that I have experienced a lot in my life
Will help me to be empathetic 
And understanding 
But at the same time
I can't let myself be taken advantage of
Because I think I can be seen as a soft touch sometimes 
I was interested in listening to Georgina today 
As she is so friendly and warm
But at the same time 
I know she takes no shit from anyone
I would love to be like that 
And hopefully this job will help me find my own voice
My own inner confidence 
And self esteem 

Despite my anxiety though
I am going to do this 
I am going to go in with a positive mind set 
Anything I don't know 
I can ask 
And I think throwing myself in at the deep end is good for me
As then I have to figure things out
But you guys 
This is a huge deal for me 
My job will even be put through the books!
Something that hasn't happened to me in a long time 
My last two jobs were cash in hand 
But now I'm going to be a proper Bona fide employee!
How exciting is that?
I'm just so happy that I'm going to be able to fit in everything around my job
It's so very important to me
To be able to go horse riding 
To see my doctor 
And Breda 
And Mary
It's going to be a busy summer 
That's for sure 
But you know what?
This is it
This is me living my life 
Feeling the fear and doing it anyway
This is making huge progress with my independence 
And that is just wonderful for me 
Things are all coming together for me
And I feel alive!

Please say a wee prayer for me this week
I know all you ladies are behind me
And I appreciate that so much
Thank you
You are amazing!

Monday, 23 May 2016

What is happening to blogger?

Is it just me 
Or is blogger really quiet of late?
It just seems to be like a bit of a ghost town 
Where it was once thriving and buzzing
Now it's eerily calm and quiet
I guess blogger is not cool anymore 
Twitter and Instagram are really where it's at
I don't really use any social media apart from Blogger 
I've never really been a fan of Facebook
I do have an account 
But I rarely use it 
Or even look at it
It's just not my thing 
I don't use Twitter or Instagram either 
But am thinking about joining one or both
I am not the most technically minded person 
But I think I could get the hang of it
There was a time 
Not too long ago 
When I depended on blogger for so much 
For support with my ED and addiction
And for social interaction 
As I was getting precious little in my real life
My blog was about sharing my story 
And to meet like minded people 
There was a real buzz about blogger a few years ago
But that seems to be diminishing 
And there is only a small core group of bloggers left 
Where have all the others gone?
I don't know 
I'm hoping that they have moved on from the difficult place they were in
I'm hoping they are now in recovery 
And don't need the support of blogger
I'm hoping they are in some kind of recovery 
I just hope that they are ok
Some of these girls I was very close to
So it's quite distressing when they vanish in to thin air 
The truth is that some of them will have recovered 
Some will have one foot in the disorder 
And one in their ED
And some will still be up to their neck in ED behaviours 
I would love to hear from some of those who have disappeared 
So if you are out there 
If you are reading
Do get in touch 
I would love to hear from you 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
Do you use any other social media?
Which ones do you use?
Are you like me 
And really miss some bloggers who have now disappeared?
Are you in touch with any of them?
Inquiring minds want to know.....

Sunday, 22 May 2016

Looking the part!

I bought my very own riding hat
My Dad and I went in to a shop in town 
It's actually the shop where I buy my dogs food
They have everything in that shop!
I tried on about eight different hats 
Until I found one that fit me perfectly 
Now I feel very much the part 
With my very own boots and hat 
Now I just need the jodhpurs 
And I will be a proper horsey person
Here are some photos....