Thursday, 20 July 2017

July Update

Two months of work done now
About seven weeks to go
Over the last couple of weeks 
I've been struggling quite a lot 
Even though I try my best at work
I still feel like other people do it better than me
They seek to cope better
Be more confident 
More efficient 
And generally not capable than me
My bestie tells me if I hear nothing, then nothing is wrong
Which I guess is true 
But I am constantly looking for reassurance that I am doing ok
I'm nearly 36 years old
And I feel like a little girl that needs her Mommy to tell her that everything will be ok
I'm a bit of an odd ball 
And I'm sure people think I'm a bit strange 
Aa I find it hard to mix in groups 
I am fine one on one 
But in a group I have a social handicap 
That's me though 
It takes me a while to become comfortable with people 
Yet again I find myself wondering if people like me 
And wanting them to like me
And probably trying too hard to be liked and accepted 
It shouldn't matter though 
I'm there to do a job
It's not a popularity contest 
It really shouldn't matter what people think of me
At all
I know I am trying my best at work
And that's all that matters
I find myself in this situation a lot
When I was doing my course 
I was convinced the others didn't like me 
But even after I left 
They still keep in contact 
So I was very wrong about that one!

Anyway 
In other news 
My car has been giving me huge problems 
I was driving in to the garage yesterday 
When a warning noise started 
And then smoke started coming out
I stopper immediately and got out 
But my car was on a narrow road 
So I needed to get it off the road 
My Mam was there so at least I had a lift 
Four very kind men stopped and helped us pushed the car off the road
The garage recovered my car in the afternoon
And it wasn't good news 
The clutch in it is bangjaxed
It will cost €800 to fix
I do not have that kind of money to hand 
So I need to make a decision about whether to get the work done 
Or to change my car for a better one 
It's stressful
As I need a car 
For work
To see Coco 
I need it for my freedom and independence 
So I guess I will have to do something

I was listening to something on the radio this week
About the grown up children of alcoholic or addicted parents 
How they are more likely to be anxious and insecure 
How their foundation has been rocky and so they carry that in to their adult life
It was very interesting and I could relate to a lot of it 
Myself and my sisters all suffer with addiction and mental health issues
We struggle with feeling not good enough
And generally find life tough
I look at some of the girls I work with 
Who are younger than me 
But seem so much more together than me
I struggle just to get to the starting block
So it seems everyone is running way ahead of me
Of course my life has not been straight forward 
And I have dealt with an awful lot 
I am happy just to be alive 
Anything else is a bonus
I am grateful to be where I am 
And things could be a whole lot worse 

I'm still horse riding and loving it
I go 2-3 times a week
And it's is just heaven 
Sitting in a horse 
Galloping down a beach
Doing little jumps 
It makes all the tough days worthwhile 
On Saturday 
Myself and a friend did a beach trek
 A two hour trek
I was riding a big fella called Bouncer 
Fionnuala was on Tom
Kate was our leader on Skippy
And there was a girl at the back riding Laura 
We walked down to the beach 
Then we spilt up
Fionnuala and Laura went to walk the sand dunes 
And myself and Kate went down to the main beach for a canter 
I swear to God Bouncer shot off like a rocket 
Abc was running full pelt down the length of the beach
It was both terrifying and thrilling in equal measure but I thoroughly enjoyed it
After that 
We went back up to meet the others 
And walked back to the centre through the fields
Myself and Fionnuala dismounted our horses 
And were walking around like John Wayne 
The next day I was in pain 
But it was a good pain 
An almost enjoyable pain

So I think that is all my news
I am thinking of re enrolling in the horsemanship course 
I feel a bit more ready now
And ultimately this is what I want to be doing 
But first things first 
I'm just concentrating on getting through work 
And hopefully I will be back on the road soon

That's your July update sorted 
Thanks for reading 
And for being there..

5 comments:

  1. omg that sucks about your car, but that aside, i am so happy that your post it 90% happy news and it gave me warm feelings. sure you're strange but isnt that a beautifully unique thing to be?

    The horse riding sounds divine, omg, I miss riding so much and hopefully i can get back in to it soon. I'm so glad that it's such a wholesome experience for you Ruby <3

    good luck with your car love, stay strong, stay shining. Love you x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for the update Ruby! It's always good to hear from you. Sorry to hear about your car, maybe this would be the time to look into getting a newer car. I had to do that last year myself, it wasn't worth putting money into a car that wasn't going to give me much more than it already had.
    Your right about work and it not being a contest, be kind towards others, do your job and all that other stuff doesn't matter. Your such a sweet person and honestly everyone else is worrying about themselves lol. That's always helped me when I felt overwhelmed in social situations.
    Sounds like a great time riding at the beach! Have a good week Ruby <3 H.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Social anxiety is definitely a killer, it just kills me. I sit and overanalyse and wonder, and dissect every conversation I've ever had with anyone. I think they're judging me, laughing about something that I've said.

    I get this.

    You seem to be doing well and I'm so happy to see this.
    Xo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love your blog and can relate to it so much! Thanks for the update! I have recently started a blog about my journey of recovery from anorexia. I'd love for you to check it out.

    https://lexirobinson1024.wixsite.com/mysite

    Thank you and much love and support <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. Don't worry no-one is as confident as they come across. Looks can be deceiving. Sometimes the least confident outwardly can have the most inner belief. And vice versa. Try hard not to compare yourself to others.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x