Saturday, 28 February 2015

Still standin'

The past week has been unimaginably hard 
So much has happened
And yet most of my family know nothing
So I am trying to save face for them
Using really threw me for a loop
And all I really learned is that I can't say no
And that I am still a greedy addict
The Boy has also confused me 
Wondering whether I  Iike him or not
Feeling strangely drawn to him
Anticipating his texts and calls
It's all very high school and hormonal
I now know that I can't see him
And I've accepted that
For now
Just knowing he wants to see me is enough

Anyway
This is just a quick post to let you know that I am still here
I'm hurt
I've been stung
A good friend had left me feeling bruised and battered
It sucks because I really cared about this person
Even though they think I don't 
The whole situation had me wondering whether I am a bad person
Or a sick person 
Sometimes I feel like I leave a trail of destruction in my wake
And hurt everyone around me
But do I really have that power?
I don't know



Friday, 27 February 2015

Dentist

I had an appointment with my lovely dentist today
As you know 
I had temporary crowns put in last summer 
And now it's time to get the permanent ones
My dentist had a big hello for me when he saw me
He shook my hand vigorously
And told me that I was looking great
He looked at my teeth
At which point he started to get very excited
'This is fantastic' he exclaimed 
'Your mouth looks so much better since you gave up smoking'
'I can't tell you how delighted I am with this, I'm going to turn you in to a fairy princess'
I had to laugh
He seemed so thrilled with the transformation
So he booked me in for an appointment in two weeks
It will be a marathon to get the job done
But my dentist assures me that it will be worth it

In the car on the way home
My Mum and I got chatting
She was saying how strong I am
And how I have overcome so much
I felt like a complete and utter hypocrite
I considered telling her the truth
But what will that do
Other than worry her
If only she knew though

She brought up The Boy too
I told her that he is moving
She seemed very relieved
And speaking of The Boy
He just texted me
I didn't text back
I can't
And I won't 

It's always hard to get back on track after a slip
The trust is now gone
And my sister is keeping a close eye on me
It's just a rotten situation for everyone involved
And it's down to me to put things right
 
It was easy to think that I wasn't really using
After all
It was just a cup of innocent tea right?
Maybe to some people
But for me 
It has the power to send me spinning out of control
It has the power to cause me to relapse
To break my families heart
To cause utter chaos in my life
Because I am an addict
A greedy, hungry, don't know when to stop, dust bin junkie
My brain works on the basis of all or nothing
There is no in between
No happy medium
No half measures
And I have to face up to this fact 
I can't use
I can't drink
Not if I want to face any semblance of a normal life

Now it's time to pick up the pieces
And put them back together as best as I can
It's time to take stock
To reflect on the last few weeks
And to think about where I go from here
I lost a friend this week because of what happened 
And that saddens me greatly 
She wants nothing to do with me
And that feels so crappy
But 
I understand that I have frustrated people
And let people down
Heck I am sick of myself
And the trail of destruction I leave in my wake
I need s good dose of common sense
And a swift kick up the ass
Any volunteers?

No seriously 
I have to get back on track
I know exactly what that entails
I have been here many times before
The only difference this time being that I have an awful lot to lose 
I can't 
I won't let that happen
It's time to pull up my big girl pants
And behave like a responsible adult for once in my life
As the saying goes 
It's not about the size of the dog in the fight
It's about the size of the fight in the dog
And this dog has a huge fight on her hands 

Fighter

I've decided to fight
To fight for my life
For my sanity 
For my health
And my mental health
For my future
For my dogs
But most of all for my family
I might survive another relapse
But it would damn near kill my family
I truly believe that an addicts family get the brunt of addiction
At least the addict gets to zone out with drink/drugs
The family has to suffer through it all

So yes
I was sitting on my living room with my mother and my sister last night
And I thought to myself 
Where would I rather be?
Would I rather be out in The Boys house
Drinking cups of poppy tea
Passive weed smoking
Listening to them waffle on in a drug addled monologue about the meaning of life?
I suddenly thought to myself
I don't want that
I would much rather be here with my family watching Eastenders
And drinking good old fashioned Barry's tea

It's no exaggeration to say that The Boy has turned my world upside down
And my poor sister doesn't know what to do
It's up to me to put this right
And to earn get trust back
Not easy let me tell you
I just don't want my mother to know
If I can get through this without telling her then I will

But yes
I have no other option than to fight
If not for myself
Then for my family
They don't deserve this
God knows they have suffered enough
I'm doing this for them
Until I'm able to do it for myself 

Thursday, 26 February 2015

Struggling

My sister knows 
She read my blog
Even though I asked her not to
She is not happy
And tells me if I see The Boy again
Or use again
She will call the police
And report me and him
I don't doubt that she will go this 
She means business 

He texted yesterday
Wanting to meet up
I decided to go and tell him that I couldn't see him anymore
Against my better judgement 
I went to his house
Where I found myself sitting in a living room
With three dudes all skinning up
Suddenly I just wanted to get out of there 
And just knew I had made a huge mistake going there
I racked my brain for an excuse to get out of there
I was becoming very anxious and paranoid
And just wanted to get the hell out of there 
It's like I suddenly realised that this was all bullshit
It wasn't real
And do I really want to be part of this world?
The answer is no
A definite no
I couldn't have got out of there quick enough
And before you say it
I know it was a really stupid thing to go and see him
I know it was putting myself in danger 
But yet I still plough ahead in to self destruction 

I am realising that I can't use recreationally
I can't drink socially
I can't have just one
I am an addict
And a greedy one at that
It has to be all or nothing

So there I was 
Sitting in a fog of dope smoke
Listening to these guys talking
I couldn't even say anything
I just wanted to run out of there 
I took out my phone 
And pretended that I had just got a text
I said it was my nephews school
And they needed someone to pick him up as he was sick
I made my excuses and left
It was such a relief to get in to my car and drive away from there
I don't know if they believed me
And I don't really care
All I know is that that is not a world I want to be part of
At least now I know that for sure

I arrived home
And my sister was on high alert
She wanted to know where I had been
And who I had seen
I told her the truth
There's no point in lying anymore
She is worried
But said she won't tell our mum
This time

I'm not sure why it's so hard to stay away from The Boy
He has nothing to offer me
Other than a drug habit 
But I still feel drawn to him
And I hate that I am
But I know I can't see him anymore
If I want to stay clean and sober
If I don't want to worry my family
It sucks

I have too much to lose though 
As my sister said to me yesterday
I have worked too hard to get to this point
I don't want to throw it all away
And lose the trust I have built up with my family
Do I really want to throw my life away for the sake of a boy or a drug?
The answer is no
I definitely don't 


Wednesday, 25 February 2015

NEDA

It's National Eating Didorders Awareness Week this week
An important date on the calendar for sufferers and their families
I know it has been in the media a lot this week in this country
My doctor from treatment has been on the tv and radio numerous times this talking about eating disorders 
I think it's so important to talk about EDs
As we all know
EDs have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness
That is a chilling statistic

Eating disorders thrive on secrecy
Sufferers don't want to talk about what they are doing
Because they are embarrassed 
Because they are afraid
And because they are ashamed 
I know in my case
It took me years to even admit to the fact that I had an ED
I couldn't face up to the reality that I had anorexia
As well as having an addiction
It was all too much
I remember feeling so scared and alone at that time
I knew nothing about EDs
I knew no one that had experience with them
And it was so confusing
As I had always loved my food
And now it was becoming my enemy
I didn't know where to turn
Or what to do
Telling my family was beyond difficult
But I soon found out that they had suspected I had food issues anyway
That's the thing about EDs
We think we are hiding them
And keeping them secret
But those that know us best 
Always know that something is up

I think it's so important to talk about EDs and mental health issues
Ten people kill themselves every week on this country
And eight of those are men
Some high profile people have spoken out about mental illness in this country
Which has started the conversation in homes
We are not very good at talking about our issues here in Ireland
We are experts at sweeping things under the carpet and burying our heads in the sand
My family used to be like that
Growing up our house was turbulent
There were issues that badly needed to be addressed 
But instead they were ignored
And they festered and stewed
Almost tearing my family apart
But now 
Years later
We are able to talk openly about out addictions and disorders
And we are closer than ever

My hope for this week
NEDA week
Is that people talk more about EDs
In my mind 
EDs are a way to take some control over our lives
Those with EDs are not happy well adjusted people 
We are suffering
Suffering from low self esteem
We have little or no confidence or belief in ourselves
We are lonely
And afraid
It's no exaggeration to say that hate ourselves
And so we try to take control ovet the one thing we can
Our weight

As we all know
Treating EDs is extremely difficult
You are dealing with someone who might not want to get well
And it's damn near impossible to treat someone who doesn't want the help
I have been in hospital and treatment many times
It was always me trying to maintain my illness
Trying to stay one step ahead of the staff
I saw them as the enemy
As them trying to take away the only thing that was keeping me going
For me
Inpatient treatment did not work
And it took me a while to figure that out
Being around other girls with chronic illness was so hard
And the docks all day was good and weight
I don't doubt that it works for some people
And you have to be so focused and determined to get well in that situation
I began to get well with the help of Mary
It took me a long time 
But eventually I mustered up the courage to address my demons
I found doing it from home suited me much better
I think that inpatient treatment really needs to be looked at
And more out patient treatment needs to be available

This week two years ago
There was an ED convention in my home town
Organised by Bodywhys and Mary
Two days before the convention
Mary rand myself and my mother
And asked us both to speak at the conference
I was terrified 
But I really wanted to do it
I wanted to be honest about what it is like to live day in, day out with an ED
I felt it was so important to let people know the reality of it
I wrote out my speech
And wrote as if no one was ever going to read it
The day of the conference
I was a bundle of nerves
I watched the room fill up
With doctors, psychiatrists, families and sufferers
I held my speech in my hands
Reading over it again and again
Soon it was my turn to speak
I don't remember much about reading it out
Only that it was over before I knew it
I got so much great feedback afterwards
Mary hugged me
And she had a tear in her eye
I hope my speech that day gave  people a better understanding of what it's like to live with an ED
Because often families and friends are at a loss as to what to do to help their loved one
And I think it's up to us
Those of us that are suffering or in recovery
To let others know how to help us
And to ask for that help
Because inspire of what we think 
We can not do this alone

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Counselling appointment

So I had my first addiction counselling appointment yesterday afternoon
I wasn't expecting much
As I've had many such appointments over the years
And they never amount to much
Other than me sitting through them
And counting the minutes until the hour is up
But this was someone I've never seen before
A woman
Called Breda

I arrived for my appointment at 2pm
It was in the same place where I see my doctor
Who I ran in to in the hall
He's always very friendly
And says a big hello
I knocked on Breda's door
And she answered straight away
I followed her in
And sat down
I'd been referred from my doctor
So she knew very little about me
Other than I was on methadone and other meds
I explained a little about my history
Which is always a pain
But it has to be done
I also explained about my recent slip
I found her great
Really on the ball
She obviously has a lot of experience

She said that I have come a long way
And even though I have slipped
I have a lot of work done
She was very positive
And very encouraging
She asked me about my days
I told her that I don't have much structure 
Other than picking up my meds
And my dogs
She said it is important that I have a reason to get up in the morning
I couldn't agree more
She also mentioned Mary
And how she is back in get post as eating disorder specialist
She said she would contact her about seeing me again
I am super excited about that!

Breda is also referring me for holistic therapy
Like reflexology and reiki
As she thinks it can really help
I was delighted about this
And it will only cost me €5 per session
Which is amazing!
She also gave me a pros and cons list about my addiction
Encouraged me to stop thinking about meetings and to just go
She also recommended meditation and mindfulness

I came out of the appointment feeling really good 
She said that she doesn't new to see me every week
So I am seeing her again in two weeks
In the mean time I have a lot of work to do 

Breda was great
I had lost faith in addiction counsellors as the last couple I've had were really brutal
It was soul destroying sitting through a whole hour with them
So Breda was a breath of fresh air
I feel a bit more clear now
Of what I need to do to get back on track
And I feel I can do it
If I can just stay away from Thr Boy
Which is harder than you might think

So today is a new day
A day where I don't use 
I don't misuse my meds
I don't text The Boy
Or reply to his texts
I walk my dogs
I eat as well as I can
And i do everything I can to help myself
I am blessed to have amazing support
Even Breda said that I am in a very fortunate position 
I drive
I have my own car
My family are nothing but supportive
I have a safe place to live
I want for nothing

This a great chance for me to get back on track
And I will grab it with both hands 
I believe that there is a life for me beyond my addiction and my ED
There is a course I can do
A job I can succeed in
A boy that is right for me
All this is just there waiting for me
I just need to reach out and find it
My destiny is not to be drug addled and destitute 
Or to die at the hands of my ED
I know there is a better life that I'm meant to lead
A better road that I am meant to take
I don't know what that is yet
But I am sure that if I stay on track
It will all become clear
I just have to do the next right thing
And I will
Or at least I will try my level best
What is the alternative.........?

Monday, 23 February 2015

Doctor Day

I'm just back from seeing my doctor
What a relief it is to have finally told him
The nerves about this appointment started last week
When I realised I needed help
Last night full blown anxiety kicked in
I was dreading telling my doctor
Not because I was worried about what he would say
I mean what can he say?
But because I hate to disappoint people
Especially someone who has put a lot of time and effort in to helping me with both my addictions and my ED
I hate to let someone down
Who has been so good and patient with me through the ups and downs over the years
So needless to say
I was not looking forward to this appointment

Anxiety woke me early this morning
My appointment was at 9 20am
So I had some time to kill
So I listened to Ed Sheeran and Taylor Seift on repeat to take my mind off things
I haven't told my mother or sister yet
So I've really had no one to talk to
Apart from you lovely ladies
But still
I hate keeping this from them
And I think they know something is up
As I've been going out a lot
And have been very distant 
I'm actually surprised that they haven't realised that I am using
They usually can tell straight away
But then I am being very devious and sneaky
And maybe they do suspect 
I don't know

So I piled my dogs in to the car
And my mother and I set off for the doctor
She brought them down to the beach
While I went to the surgery
I had to wait for about 20 minutes
I'm sure the worry was written on my face
I was agitated and fidgety 
At one point I decided that I couldn't go through with it
Then I heard my name called
And saw my doctor waiting for me 

I followed him in to his room
And sat in my usual seat
He tapped away on his computer for a moment
Before asking me how I was
I took a deep breath
And told him things were not good
And that I had some bad news 
'I've been using' I blurted out
He looked really surprised
Shocked even
'What happened?' He asked
I told him about The Boy
Although I made it clear that it was not his fault 
It was all new and my stupidity
He asked me if I had been smoking or injecting 
I told him neither
And explained about the poppy tea
He sat back in his chair
And looked really disappointed 
He asked me some more about the boy
And what I planned to do now
I told him that The Boy is moving
So at least temptation will be further away
At this point he took out a drug test
And asked me for a urine sample
I went off to the bathroom
And peed on to the little cup
It was then that I suddenly thought
What if this is clean?
What if this dude had been given me some muck that he had concocted?
And it wasn't poppy tea all
I was actually worried that the sample would be clean

I headed back to my doctors room
He was still tapping on his computer
After a couple of minutes he checked the sample
'Have you been smoking weed too?' He asked
I said I hadn't
But I had been in a room where it was being smoked
Anyway
The sample was positive for opiates and hash
My heart sank a bit
Now it all seems so real
Before I told anyone 
I could trick myself in to thinking that it wasn't that bad
And that there was nothing really to worry about
But seeing how serious my doctor took me today
I can see that I am in over my head 

He began writing up my script
I asked him if he would consider increasing the methadone
He gave me a point blank no
But after I expressed concern about withdrawal
He agreed to increase it by 4 mls
I was glad
And I am also back on daily dispensing
As well as seeing an addiction counsellor later on today

I feel huge relief having to my doctor
I could easily have got away with not telling him
As he rarely drug tests me
But I know it was the right thing to do
And he thanked me for being honest with him

So at least now I have some extra support
And I feel a bit better about the whole situation
I am reluctant to tell my family
And am hoping I can get through this without having to worry them
I guess I will just see how the next few days unfold
And if I feel I need to tell them
I will

My weight is suffering through all of this
And I've lost a few pounds
But I guess that was to be expected
And hopefully I can hold steady where I am

So
My plan for the week?
I am seeing the addiction counsellor later today
I am collecting my meds daily
I will avoid The Boy at all costs
Which is going to be hard
But has to be done
I'm going to go back swimming
As I know it is good for me
And I'm going to try my best to get my addicted ass to a meeting 
All this feels manageable 
And I feel good about getting back on track

I guess this whole situation shows me that I am not out of the woods when it comes to drugs
I have no resistance 
No capacity to say no
And I need more support in this respect

I also just want to say a huge thank you to you beautiful girls
You know who you are
For your comments, texts and emails
For your honesty
Your kind words
Your concern
And your love
It means more to me than you will ever know
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
Thank you


Sunday, 22 February 2015

Fighting Back

I know I said I was taking a blogging break
And I did 
I didn't write from Monday to Friday which is very unusual for me
As you know I write everyday
And if I don't
Then there is something most definitely up
But my head feels clear today
So I'm going to take the opportunity to write about what's happening to me right now

You know that I have been seeing The Boy
The Boy being my ex- boyfriends best friend
I've seen him 3 or 4 times in the last month
The first time I met him in a coffee shop
The next couple of times 
I called to his house 
The first time I met him
He seemed really together
He was just finishing up a course
And was starting work
I got no bad vibes off him
I didn't get any kind of bad feeling off him
All was good
Or so I thought

The next week
He picked me up and we went out to his house
Straight away I felt uneasy
As I got the smell of weed
Now I have a bit of a problem with weed
In that I don't like it
And never really smoked it as it makes me very paranoid
Anyway
As TheBoy made tea
He asked me if I wanted a poppy tea
I had no idea what a poppy tea was
He explained that it is tea made from the pod of a poppy plant
Poppy plants which he grows himself
He showed me the pods
And I was intrigued
He said it was like a more mellow buzz than heroin
And did I want to try some
Here is the part where I messed up
I have no resistance when drugs are put in front of me
I haven't got the power to say no
So I said yes
And proceeded to drink two poppy teas

I felt all floaty and light
It was like a constantly soft feeling
Not like the warm saves you get from smoking or injecting
God forgive me I loved the feeling
I went home that night
Trying to act like a normal person in front of my family
But I kept nodding off
And falling asleep
He gave me some to bring home
And I spent the next three days in and out of sleep
In and out of reality
I thoroughly enjoyed it

But the thing about using any kind of drug 
Is that no matter how fast or hard you run
Reality is always just around the corner
It's a game of cat and mouse
And I'm always playing catch up
I've wondered about this a lot recently
Why I am constantly running from myself and from reality
Even before this slip
I was using my meds in a way that is not entirely healthy
So what is it?
What is it that I am running from?
Myself?
My own head?
Reality?
What is so bad about me that I have to numb myself every chance I get?
Is my world and reality so awful?
I mean
I have everything I could possibly need
A caring and loving family
Who want nothing but the best for me
I have good support from my doctor and other professionals
I have two dogs who are the light of my life
I have a small circle of close friends
I have my health for the most part
I have no major bills to worry about
Yes
My world is fairly safe and comfortable
So why am I not happy to live in it?

The truth is I like to feel outside of myself and my reality
I like to feel out of it 
And out of my own thoughts 
Away from the negative and intrusive thoughts that blight me
But the thing is
I can't have all the things I just mentioned
And a drug habit
I lose all these things when drugs are in the picture
I lose my family
My friends
I'm not present for my dogs
I'm generally a mess

Enter The Boy
And he challenges that belief
I look at him
And I see that he works
He functions
And all while using drugs
I started to think that maybe I could have it all
Maybe I could function with drugs in my life
Maybe I could find that balance
But in my heart
I know that is utter horse shit
I've proved that over the last few weeks
And it also showed me that I need to look at the way I take my meds too
Back when I had to collect my meds every day
I was doing better
As it was taken out of my hands
But now I am back to getting them twice weekly
And I am all over the place again

So
First things first
I need to talk to my doctor
And I want to make it clear
This was my choice
No one made me drink the tea
That was all me
It was all me
And my silly choices
I need to tell him
And be honest 
And just see what he says

I don't know
I've always been torn between my own life and my drug life 
It's been a constant tug of war
And in the last few weeks
Drugs have been winning
I need to get back on track
Even though a huge part of me would love to say f*+k it
And surrender to my need for escape
I know that is not the answer 
The answer is to make my reality a place where I am happy to be
Because the truth is that sometimes I resent my reality
My life
My family
Because I feel like I am in a place that I don't want to be
For them
Like I am holding on
For them
Keeping it together
For them
And when you feel like you are holding it together for others
You begin to resent them

Sometimes I think to myself
Maybe I should just go and get it all out of my system
Get out of my head one last time
But I quickly realise that is not the answer
I may have another relapse in me
But I don't have another recovery

I guess I need to make a decision
One way or the other
As bring in this limbo is driving me to distraction 
I don't need to tell you
That writing this post was more than difficult 
But I feel it is important to be honest
I haven't told my family yet
But I know I will have to eventually
In the mean time
It's a chance for me to take stock
And re-evaluate where I am
And where I am going
Because right now
I haven't an earthly clue

Friday, 20 February 2015

Untitled

Just a quick post to let you know that I am taking a blogging break
I know my last post probably didn't make a lot of sense
And I can't say any more than that at the moment
I need to get my head head together
I need some time and space to get back on track
I hope you understand

Recent events have really tested me
And where I claim to be in my recovery
Maybe a month ago I could have said I was in recovery
But unfortunately I can't say that now in all honesty
And that is typically me
Going ahead in to situations
Even though people warn me not to
And even though my better judgement tells me not to
I still plough ahead hoping for the best
And forgetting about the destruction it could cause

Please bear with me
I will be back
I promise you back
I just need to do this
I hope you understand 
In the mean time......





Monday, 16 February 2015

And I'm Back

Apologies for my radio silence over the weekend
A combination of no Wifi
And writers block
Meant I didn't get to write all weekend
But I'm back now 
So all is well

I wanted to write about something that's been coming up for me recently about my blog
When I started writing three years ago
I didn't tell anyone in my real life about it
Or if I did
I didn't give them the name of my blog
The purpose of my blog was to write about my ED and my addiction
Without fear of anyone I knew reading it
And that was great for a while
But gradually
Over time
I told more and more people about my blog
And now many people in my real life read my blog
Recently this has effected the way that I write
I find myself editing and censoring my blog
So certain people don't get hurt or disappointed or worried
This has been a huge factor especially in the last month
There have been times when I wanted to sit down at my computer
And just pour my heart out
But I feel I can't
Because I am worried about who will read it

And I know
I guess I shouldn't tell people about my blog
If I want to stay somewhat anonymous
Last week 
A woman who works with my mother stumbled upon my blog
And I know other peor who have stumbled across my blog
I know that if you type certain words in to Google
My blog comes up in the first page
It's a. It disconcerting to know that my blog is so easily accessed
But I guess that's what I signed up for right?

I got a text over the weekend 
From a girl that I was in treatment with the first time
Back in 2008
We became firm friends fast
Both around the same age
Both had dual addictions
We had a lot in common
I remember spending so much with her
Watching DVDs 
Walking laps of the grounds
Doing each other's hair
You get so close to people in treatment
I hadn't heard from her in years though
So it was a lovely surprise
She is back in treatment
Having relapsed
She asked me how I was doing
I was able to be really honest with her 
More honest than I have been in a long time
It was such a relief
I guess I felt I could be open because there is some distance between us
I felt like I couldn't worry or disappoint get
Like I'm worried about with most other people

I guess in a round about way
I am trying to tell you all something
But I don't know if I can
I don't know if it's safe
Once something is put out there
You can't take it back
And that's what I'm worried about
I was planning on telling you all today
But now that it comes down to it
I don't know if I can do it

Apologies
I know I am talking in riddles today
It's hard to explain
You know when you are faced with something or someone 
And you know this situation is dangerous
And no good can come of it
You have this feeling in the pit of your stomach
That tells you to turn around and walk away
Run
It's like a gut instinct 
Even as you walk in to the situation 
You know it's a bad idea
But you're just hoping that the gut feeling you have is wrong
Praying the situation will work out
I know I should get out now
Before anyone gets hurt
And the person who will get hurt the most is me
Bit I've always been someone who walks in to danger despite the signs
And despite the warnings

I had planned to speak to my doctor about it today
As he is just far enough away from me to give an objective opinion
But when I found myself sitting across from him this morning
I just couldn't find the words 

I be asked a couple of people in my family to not read my blog this week
As I need some space
So maybe someday soon I will find the courage to tell you about what I am talking about
In the mean time 
Please bear with me
I will get there eventually 

Friday, 13 February 2015

The Boy update

I mentioned earlier in the week that I was planning on going to a meeting
I'm afraid I didn't go
Fear and anxiety got the better of me 
I got as far as the front door
But no further
And then of course guilt and shame followed that
I was angry at myself for not going
I think in future 
I won't say that I'm going
And just go when I feel able
Walk the walk
Instead of talking the talk

The Boy was in touch a lot this week
He wanted me to call out to him Wednesday 
But I had the flu
So declined his offer
I felt a bit better yesterday
So I texted him in the morning
And said I would call over
He replied that he had to go to work for 'an hour'
And would text me when he was home
It seems that time has ceased to have any meaning for The Boy
As it wasn't until 3 hours later that he texted me to call over

I was to call out to his house
And I was really nervous to drive there by myself 
Because it is a really narrow and dangerous road that he lives on
Plus I am not a very confident driver at the best of times
I have been to his house before 
But I have such a bad sense of direction
That that was of little help

My directions were to take the road out of the village
Go up the hill
Go around two sets of bad bends
Then take the road on the left
Follow this road for about a mile
Pass the water tank
And the hump back bridge
And his house was the first house on the left
Simple right?
Maybe for a normal human being
For me it turned in to a bit of s drama

At first I was fine
I took the road out of the village
Passed the two bad bends
Or so I thought
Nothing looked familiar though
And I had a feeling that I had gone wrong 
I continued down this narrow road
Until I came across a lorry
Stopped in the middle of the road
I pulled in to the side
As I knew I wasn't going to get passed him
I waited to see if it was going to move
But there was no sign
I got out of my car
And saw a guy in the garden of one of the houses
I went over to him
Said hello
And told him I thought I was lost
I had no address so I told him The Boys name
But he didn't know him
He told me to hang on that he would ask his father
Cue another man
They brought me in to the house
Where it looked like a hoarder lived
I repeated my friends name
But this man didn't know him either
He asked me if I had an address
Which I didn't 
But then I remembered the directions about the water tank and the bridge
And suddenly they both knew exactly where I meant
Even so
They kept me talking for another five minutes
Before I thanked them and headed off again
They left me with a warning
To be careful on said road 
As there were 'a lot of fucking lunatics' on it
I jumped back in to my car
And turned in a very tight spot
I was sure I was going to end up in a ditch
And I was starting to regret leaving the house at all

I headed back down the road
And took the first right at the crossroads
It was such a narrow road
I prayed that I wouldn't meet another car
And thankfully I didn't
I came across the water tank
And then recognised The Boys house
I breathed a sigh of relief

The Boy let me in
And I related my little adventure
He laughed
We made tea
And sat in his living room
He had very kindly made me up a natural remedy to take for my flu
Very thoughtful
We chatted for hours
And the more time  I spent with him
The more I realised that I don't want anything other than friendship from him
He is a nice guy
Funny 
Super smart
And loyal
But there is no attraction there
And I am grateful for that 
For at least now I know where we stand
As friends
And nothing more

I stayed in his house for a few hours
I thought being around a smoker would drive me nuts
But it didn't 
I didn't mind at all
 
So we are friends
And that is more than enough for me
That special someone is still out there for me
I just have to find him......

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Milestone

I mentioned in my last post that I have reached an important milestone today
In fact there are two milestones 
The first one being that I am six months smoke free today
I quit on the 11th of August last year
This is quite an achievement for me
As I loved smoking
Loved everything about it
My life was punctuated with cigarettes
And I enjoyed every one of them 
A cup if tea and a smoke was a constant in my life
Anything could be solved over a cuppa and a smoke
I can't lie
I do miss them
When I see someone smoking
I feel a pang of jealousy
But then remember that they now cost €10 a box
And I don't feel so bad 
I was telling my doctor on Monday that I am six months off them
He was very impressed
I told him that the only reason I gave up was that I couldn't afford them anymore
It didn't bother me that I was smoking myself in to an early grave 
If I was rich
I would most definitely still be smoking
I decided to treat myself for reaching this point (Like I need an excuse)
And bought myself a new hoody
It hasn't arrived yet 
But I will post photos when it does 

On to the second milestone
I am now exactly one year out of treatment
Which means I am one year in to my recovery 
The past year has gone by so quickly
And so much has happened
But I am still here
Still fighting for a better life
And hoping for a better future

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Boy drama.......

After a few days of radio silence
The boy contacted me yesterday
Apologised for the lack of contact
And said that he had been extremely busy
He wanted to know if I wanted to meet up
I do
I do want to see him
I don't want to want to see him
But I do
I've realised over the last week that I need to be very careful
As I fear that he might not be entirely clean and sober
Is that part of the attraction I hear you ask
Kind of
Possibly
Maybe 
Probably
And as well as that
He is impossibly unreliable 
Probably because of said reasons of not being altogether clean and sober
And that drives me bananas
I mean
If you like me
Tell me
Show me
Let me know for Gods sake
I'm not a mind reader
I can't tell what you are thinking
When you don't text
I presume that you don't want to text me or see me
And when I text you
Text me back dude
Don't leave me hanging
That is not cool

I know that this whole situation could end in tears
I've had this feeling about boys in the past
Liking them
Even though I know it's heading for disaster
But the feelings of attraction are strong and powerful
And hard to resist
I can't lie
Knowing that someone might like me is a good feeling
Getting butterflies in my tummy is a good feeling
And it's a welcome distraction from ED and addiction related issues

This is my first brush with a boy since I started to recover
Before now
I haven't had a boyfriend
Or even a potential boyfriend in years 
So it's all very new and exciting
I have never had a sober relationship
I have no idea how that goes
I can't lie
It scares the be-Jesus out of me
Even the thought of kissing someone
Or any thing like that
And dare I say it
S-E-X
It is beyond me how anyone does that stone cold sober
It makes me shudder just thinking about it

When you are in the midst of an addiction and an ED
Sex is just not on your radar
And when you don't have it
You don't miss it
So I was perfectly content to live life with a non-existent sex life
I had other things on my mind
Like simultaneously trying to both kill myself and stay alive
I was so sick
Do withdrawn
So down in myself
That boys or love or sex just didn't mean anything to me
I didn't think about them
I didn't long for them
Trying to get through the day without completely losing my shit was my priority

But now
Now I am actually feeling
Feeling feelings
And emotions
And urges 
And desires
I guess now that my physical and mental health have significantly improved
My body and mind have been re-awakened
That is both thrilling and terrifying

Some of you have asked me why
Why this particular boy
The answer to that is I am not entirely sure
Maybe because he is the first boy that I am aware had shown an interest in me
Maybe because he is a typical 'Bad boy'
Maybe because he reminds me off my former life
Maybe because he is dangerous
I don't know

I mean realistically
I know it could never work
My family would be so opposed to it
So I know I would end up having to choose between him and my family
It was the same with my ex-boyfriend
My family wanted nothing to go with him
He wasn't welcome in our house
And they made no secret about the fact that they out right objected to out relationship
That made life very difficult
My family got upset if I spent time with him
And my boyfriend felt abandoned when I went home
I was torn
And I hated it

I am desperately trying not to invest too much in this relationship
I am trying not to fall for this boy
Trying to protect myself
And stand back
To be civil
Maybe even friends
But nothing more
It's hard though
As they say
The heart wants what it wants
But I know it would make much more sense to stay friends 
Relationships just complicate matters 

The thing is this feels good 
It feels good to think that someone likes me
And may have a crush on me
It's flattering 
It's a compliment 
It warms my heart to think that there is a spark between us
I mean who doesn't want to fall in love
To meet that special someone
To be part of a couple
To have a partner
A best friend
Someone to share a life with
I know I want that
But I also know that I have to be careful
As if I pick the wrong person
It could all end in tears

When I told my mother about The Boy
She had a visceral reaction
And she doesn't even know him
It's a gut feeling that she had that he is bad news
'Menacing' to use her words
I made the point that everyone deserves a second chance
But she maintains that he will never be welcome in this house or in this family
And I have to respect that

So where do I go from here?
I guess I proceed with extreme caution
I need to protect myself 
And not put myself in a vulnerable situation
The feelings I have for him are strong
So I need to do the right thing
And not let my feelings rule what I do
This is one boy
There are plenty of others out there 
And I believe that there is someone for me
Someone who is in a good place
Who will be good for me
And bring out the best in me
I just need to be patient
I am sure I will know him when I meet him
I will feel it

Even though this whole situation is most confusing
And possibly even dangerous
I feel like it is progress 
Thus far 
My problems have been related to my ED and addiction
They have been huge and life threatening
And very heavy
Now my problems are more like 'normal person' problems 
Luxury problems 
First world problems
Before I was worried about purging 20 times a day
Low blood pressure 
Irregular heart beat
Dizziness
Depression
Crippling anxiety
Now I am worried about whether a boy likes me or not
That my friends 
Is most definitely progress

I'm also celebrating an exciting milestone tomorrow
But I won't write about that until it is the exact day and time





Monday, 9 February 2015

Meeting

I made plans with a friend to go to a meeting tomorrow
It's a lunch time meeting
And I know it's usually small and intimate
I can't lie 
I am really nervous to go 
But I really want to
I think it's an important step in my recovery
Recognising that I need help and support with my various addictions is imperative
I feel like I could relapse at any time
And even though my meds are more tightly regulated 
I still find the opportunity to misuse them
I am trying to stay clean and sober with very little help
And it is damn near impossible 
I feel like I am 'white knuckling' it
Hanging on by my fingertips
I need the support of other recovering addicts
I know that now

And as well as some much needed support
I will also benefit from the social aspect of going to meetings
I feel I am in a place where I am receptive to meeting new people and want to make new friends
It's so easy for me to isolate
To hide out here in my house
I need to get out in to the world
And find myself and my place in this thing we call life

It's now exactly one year since I left treatment
And boy it has been a roller coaster of a year
I am just happy to be in a better place
To be living life more than I have in years
I'm grateful to be surrounded by amazing people who have carried me this far 
My family has been my foundation
My bed rock
They have held through all of this
My Mum 
My Dad 
My sister
My brother and his partner
Honey and lea
You
Have all had an important and integral part in my recovery 
Like a jigsaw puzzle
They have all made up part of my life and recovery
It hasn't been easy
As I have said before
I have had to work so hard to get to the point where most people start of
To say it's been a struggle is an understatement

The last 15 years have taken their toll
I have squeezed more in to that 15 years than most have in a life time
I know I am lucky to be alive
And to have made it this far relatively unscathed
I don't have much to show for my life
No assets 
No money
No house
No partner or children
Some day I hope to have these things
I hope to have my own independent life
But for now
I have everything that I need
A roof over my head
Clothes on my back
Food in my fridge 
Two dogs at my feet
And my family and friends by my side
What more could a girl want?

I am a big believer in baby steps
As baby steps all add up to be huge strides
Everyday I don't use
And every day I don't starve or purge
Is a good day
It's a day that I 
Ruby
Take on my demons
And fight to survive

Don't get me wrong
Everything is not perfect
I still struggle to a person in this world
I struggle just be
And live in reality
I get bored
And frustrated 
And angry 
And sad
Sometimes I can't stand being in my own head
Or even my own skin 
I struggle to accept myself for who I am
I struggle not to actively hate myself
To believe in myself
To have faith that I can live life beyond my ED and addiction 
I struggle to have a healthy relationship with food
Everyday is a battle not yo starve
And not to purge
I struggle to make peace with my situation
To live life on life's terms
I struggle to want to live a lot of the time
And to ward off feelings of wanting to disappear
But despite all these battles
I am here
I am alive
And I am fighting for a better life
My tendency is to be negative
For my mind to go to dark and twisty places
My natural state of mind is to be maudlin
To feel low
I have to make an effort to be positive
And upbeat

But I have many blessings in my life
Today my life is the best it's been in a long time 
I no longer live under the shadow of depression and anxiety
I no longer feel like a burden to my family
I am in the road to recovery
I  am living proof that people like me can and do survive

So hopefully I will get to this meeting tomorrow
And take the first step in to helping myself stay clean and sober
For those of you who don't know
The meetings I am talking about are Alcoholics Anonymous
And Natcotics Anonymous 
The are support groups for people with alcohol and drug problems
They work off of a 12 step programme 
And from my own experience
They really do work

So today
If you are feeling low
And hopeless  
Tired and broken
Please remember that there is always hope
Hope for a better life
For a better future
I promise you it is possible to get well
To face your demons
And come out stronger
Please know that you are more capable than you ever knew
You have the ability 
And the courage
To make a better life for yourself
So please
Don't give up
Don't ever give up
You are too precious
To important
To be lost to this cruel illness
I know it's exhausting having to fight all the time
Mentally and physically draining
I know 
But please don't give up
We can and will get better
It is possible
I promise you that

Sunday, 8 February 2015

New Day

It's a new day
And I am determined to snap out of this funky mood I am in
I hate Sunday's
I always have
It was always the day before going back to school or work
And as anyone who suffers from anxiety will know 
The anticipation of the event is always far worse than the event itself
But there are other things on my mind that I don't really want to write about
But I will mention
The Boy 
The less said about him the better
And my weight 
Ditto
So let's move right along

Something I have noticed recently
Is that our little community here seems to be getting smaller and smaller
I look through my blog roll
And see that so many bloggers have disappeared
Vanished off the face of the blogosphere
And I can't remember the last time I followed a new blog
I'm wondering why this is
Is blogger old news?
Did these missing bloggers get well and tell their demons to f**k right off?
I truly hope so
Maybe they out grew blogger
Maybe they recovered and don't need this community any more
Maybe their lives are so full and rich that they don't have time to blog any more
Or maybe they are so sick they can't write
Maybe they are in treatment or hospital
Maybe they died

I think back to when I first started blogging almost three years ago
And blogger was a hive of activity
And it was so exciting to be part of it
But now
It just seems so quiet
Do you remember Rayya?
Winter?
Thinderella who I got very close to and then she dropped off the face of the earth 
I hope and pray that these girls are ok
We are now a small and intimate community
And it makes me appreciate the ones who are left so much more
We are a tight bunch
And I love that

Yesterday was tough
But I got through it with the help
Of some beautiful bloggers
Who are always there just when I need them
It was my sisters and my dads birthday this week
So we all went out for dinner last night
To a restaurant in the village
For me 
Going out to dinner had always been a waste
I mean I don't want to pay for a meal that will inevitably end up in the toilet
We chose the early bird menu
Three courses for €26
Although it was more like 5 courses
First they brought out bread
Then an amuse Bouche which  was delicious 
For starter I had vegetable soup
It was a nice small bowl 
But by the time I was finished I was full and wasn't particularly looking forward to the main course
But I ploughed on
And had steak for main course
Again it was a small portion with some veg
I got through it 
But was fit to burst
So I excused myself to the bathroom
Joking that I was going for a smoke 
I was glad to see that the bathroom wasn't in cubicles
And was its own room
Do I didn't have to worry about anyone hearing me
I gently tried the flush before I began
Just to make sure it was working
And it was 
I did the deed
And felt incredibly guilty and dirty
I cleaned myself up
And returned to the table

Despite my bad mood
And despite my trip to the bathroom
I enjoyed the meal out
We had a good chat
And a good laugh
And all without a drop of alcohol
It wasn't always this way
For a long time my family couldn't be in the same room together
Without tearing lumps out of each other
We've come a long way 
We really have


Saturday, 7 February 2015

On a good day.....

On a good day
I wake up refreshed from a good nights sleep
I wake early naturally
On a bad day
I fight the morning
I crave just a few more hours sleep 

On a good day
I feel ok about getting up
And can do so without too much hassle 
On a bad day I dread the day ahead
And would much rather sleep the day away

On a good day I put on the radio
And sing along to pop music that I am much too old to be listening to
I don't mind telling you that Taylor Swift is my guilty pleasure
On a bad day 
I turn in the radio to drown out my thoughts
To stop the noise and negativity in my head
To muffle my thinking

On a good day
I have a shower
And wear fresh clean clothes
On a really good day
I might even straighten my hair
And apply a little bit of make up
On a bad day
I don't even wash
My teeth don't get brushed
And I tie my hair up in a messy pony tail
On a bad day
My personal hygiene definitely suffers

On a good day 
I choose my clothes according to how I feel
And make sure I look half way presentable
On a bad day
I throw on whatever
And can't bring myself to look in the mirror

On a good day
I have no urge to weigh myself
And avoid the scale at all costs
On a bad day
I torture myself
And let the number dictate my mood for the whole day

On a good day
I pile Lea and Honey in to the car
And head to beach for a long walk
On a bad day
I still pile the dogs in to the car
And I still walk the beach 
But I don't enjoy it at all

On a good day
I will plan my meals
And go shopping for the food
On a bad day
I go to the supermarket
And buy lots of binge food

On a good day
I will get through the day
Having purged a couple of times
On a bad day
It is relentless

On a good day
I will take my meds properly
On a bad day
I will take them all

On a good day 
I will go swimming
On a bad day
I won't leave the couch
Never mind the house 

On a good day
I might go for coffee with a friend
I might see a couple of friends
On a bad day
I see no one 

On a good day
I almost pass as a normal person
On a bad day
I don't even know what normal means

On a good day
I feel alive
On a bad day
I feel nothing

On a good day
I am chatty
I laugh
On a bad day 
I withdraw and isolate

On a good day
I feel like I can take on the world 
On a bad day
I want the world to swallow me up

On a good day
I feel hopeful and positive
On a bad day
I feel nothing but fear and anxiety

Today is not a good day
Not at all
But I live in hope that tomorrow will be better

Friday, 6 February 2015

What now?

I feel like me and my blog are in a strange  place right now
I feel like this blog is not what it was
A blog about dealing with life with addiction and disordered eating 
Don't get me wrong 
I still struggle with these issues
But they are not urgent matters in the way they used to be
By 'normal' persons standards
I am still very much an addict
And still very much eating disordered
They don't feel as urgent any more
My life isn't in danger
My mental health isn't in the risky category any more
And my physical health has improved drastically
Life as I know it is a lot better
Heck I've even had my very own boy drama
After years of being single 

I didn't actually realise how low I was until I began to feel better 
My body was so sick
Barely able to get through the day
My mind was also sick
Depression and anxiety were constant
There were many times when I thought that I was going crazy
I truly believed that along with the weight
I was losing my mind
And that terrified me
I had spent all my life running from myself
And trying to escape reality
But the prospect that I really was losing touch with life and reality
Was enough to scare me in to getting well

For the longest time
I really didn't care if I lived or died
I had no shit to give
I courted death
I welcomed it
I would describe it as having a passive death wish
My mind still goes to that place regularly it's like my default way of dealing with life
And perversely 
Knowing I can end my life at any time
Gives me the strength and courage to keep going

A lot of the time
I feel like I am holding on for my family
That I am staying clean and sober and healthy for them
They say you should get well for yourself
But if I did it that way
I would never recover
I find it easier to do it for others 
And I can't lie
I miss drugs
I miss them a lot
But I don't miss all the crap that goes with them
Or the misery that I caused my family
Maybe recovering for others is not idea
But it's the best I can do right now

I would love to go back to meetings
I know it would help me so much
On a practical level
A spiritual level
And for the social aspect
For some reason I am afraid to go back
There are lunch time meetings that I hear are small and intimate
So maybe I could start with those 

I've taken the first steps with my recovery
I have re gained some weight
Dealt with my depression and anxiety
I am more independent now
More and more I do my own thing
And I feel strong and able
Now I guess it's time to take the next step
But what is the next step for me?
I'm really not sure 
Even with this blog
I am not sure what direction it is going
I feel confused about where I am going

I guess I need to make a few decisions
I need to take control of my life
Decide what I want to do
Whether that be recovering or not
At least then I won't feel so all over the place
I want to want to recover
I want to want to live
I know I need to find reasons to get out of bed in the morning
Reasons to live
Raison d'ĂȘtre
Because right now I am drifting 
Floating 
I have no focus
No direction
And I desperately need that

It's like I want both
To have my cake and eat it
I want to take drugs
But I want a stable life
I want to be thin
But I don't want the negative consequences
Unfortunately life doesn't work that way
Being a greedy addict
I want it all
But that is an impossibility 

I still struggle massively with body image
And accepting my weight
I have days when I just want to unzip my skin and step out of it 
 I have days when I cry when I see my reflection on the mirror
Or when my clothes feel a little tight
My body image is still very much entangled in my self esteem and confidence
And it shouldn't be
It shouldn't matter what I weigh
As long as I am healthy and happy
But at the moment it does matter
My weight can make or break my day
It both terrifies me and thrills me
I hate that it still has so much control over me
But it does 
It really does


 I don't know why I find reality so hard to deal with
My life is fine
I have a loving family
Two amazing dogs
A small but close group of friends
I have a roof over my head
Clothes on my back
Good in my fridge 
I have no major bills to pay
Financially I am stable 
My physical and mental health are improving all the time
But yet
I feel so empty 
So dissatisfied 
Like something is missing
I feel like I am constantly wishing my life away 
Counting down the days to when I can check off the planet 
I find reality boring
Monotonous
Tedious
I crave drama
And love
And passion 
Extremes of feelings
I crave adventure 
Highs and lows
I hate this constant and even feeling of life

I guess I need to find healthy ways of meeting these needs
I always thought that the only way to feel these things was to use mood altering chemicals
But there must be other ways
There must be

I think I need to take a leap of faith
To try some new activities 
To free fall in to my own life
What's the worst that could happen right?

I was wondering about you
Have you ever felt this way?
How did you cope?
Get through this?
Any thoughts are much appreciated 

Thursday, 5 February 2015

Vet day

Today my sister and I 
And Honey and Lea travelled to my home town
For Honeys follow up appointment
And to get her stitches out
I brought them for a walk first thing
So they wouldn't mind the hour and a half drive
And we arrived at my Dads just before lunch
My sister and Lea waited at the house
And my Dad and I made our way to the vets
Honey was not best pleased to be back at the vet again
But props to her 
She was very good

After waiting for a few minutes 
The vet called us in
He said her eye looked great
And that you can hardly notice the eye is gone
Which is true 
Her fur is growing over the little wound
The vet said that she was in a lot of pain with her eye before the operation
He said he usually takes before and after photos of operations 
To put on his Facebook page
But that Honey was so 'grotesque' before that he didn't take one

There was another matter the vet wanted to talk to me about
The big elephant in the room
Literally
Honeys weight
He said that she has to lose some
If we want her to live a long and healthy life
On the vets scales
Honey weighed in at 17kilos
He said that 13kilos is an ideal weight for her
I asked the vet about the best food to feed both my dogs
He recommended one
And worked out the correct amount to give them
So that is my next mission
To get Honey to a healthy weight

Here are some photos from today.....










Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Morning walk

DI got my sister up early this morning
Bundled Honey and Lea in to the car
And headed to the beach for a morning walk
A good time was had by all
Here is some photographic evidence.....














Tuesday, 3 February 2015

And then she recovered

I started writing this blog April 2012 
Almost 3 years ago
I had been reading blogs for some time 
The first ones I came across were Recovering Anorexic over on Wordpress
And Lou here on blogger
When I started writing
I had little or no interest in recovering
My life was dictated by my ED
Although my weight wasn't too low
My life was still pretty much a mess
For about the first year 
I wrote anonymously
Under the name Ruby Tuesday
I picked this name
As Ruby is quite similar to my real name
And I also love the song 
Which it is named after

I wrote anonymously
As I wanted to be as honest as I could possibly be
Without any consequences 
And without fear of being recognised
 Given the sensitive nature of my writing
I thought it best not to disclose my real identity

But over time
I became comfortable showing face
And began to post photos
I wanted people to be able to put a face with my writing
Although I still keep some details private 
Like my name

This blog was originally called And then she disappeared
I thought long and hard about the name
I had a few in the running
But I kept coming back to the same name
I chose this name as I was in a bad place
And I was planning to disappear
I try didn't believe that I would last the year
It was all too much
I was too much
I just wanted to slip away quietly
With no hassle or fuss
I wanted out of this life
For good

You know what happened next
Life began to improve for me
I grew
And matured 
And started to fight for my life 
A lot of change was happening
And along with my own personal changes
I felt the need to change my blog
It went from documenting my like as an eating disordered addict
To  being about my ventures in to recovery

It was really quite difficult to choose a new name  for my blog
I wanted to convey the fact that I was beginning to recover
But still wanted to stay true to the message of my blog 
I toyed with a few names
And asked you all to help me pick one
The lovely Hydra suggested the name
And then she recovered
I loved it immediately
It conveying that I was in recovery
But also gave a nod to And then she disappeared
It was perfect

I was wondering about you
Do you wrote anonymously?
Why did you pick the name you use?
And why did you pick the name of your blog?
Inquiring minds want to know........