Boy drama.......

After a few days of radio silence

The boy contacted me yesterday

Apologised for the lack of contact

And said that he had been extremely busy

He wanted to know if I wanted to meet up

I do

I do want to see him

I don't want to want to see him

But I do

I've realised over the last week that I need to be very careful

As I fear that he might not be entirely clean and sober

Is that part of the attraction I hear you ask

Kind of

Possibly

Maybe 

Probably

And as well as that

He is impossibly unreliable 

Probably because of said reasons of not being altogether clean and sober

And that drives me bananas

I mean

If you like me

Tell me

Show me

Let me know for Gods sake

I'm not a mind reader

I can't tell what you are thinking

When you don't text

I presume that you don't want to text me or see me

And when I text you

Text me back dude

Don't leave me hanging

That is not cool

I know that this whole situation could end in tears

I've had this feeling about boys in the past

Liking them

Even though I know it's heading for disaster

But the feelings of attraction are strong and powerful

And hard to resist

I can't lie

Knowing that someone might like me is a good feeling

Getting butterflies in my tummy is a good feeling

And it's a welcome distraction from ED and addiction related issues

This is my first brush with a boy since I started to recover

Before now

I haven't had a boyfriend

Or even a potential boyfriend in years 

So it's all very new and exciting

I have never had a sober relationship

I have no idea how that goes

I can't lie

It scares the be-Jesus out of me

Even the thought of kissing someone

Or any thing like that

And dare I say it

S-E-X

It is beyond me how anyone does that stone cold sober

It makes me shudder just thinking about it

When you are in the midst of an addiction and an ED

Sex is just not on your radar

And when you don't have it

You don't miss it

So I was perfectly content to live life with a non-existent sex life

I had other things on my mind

Like simultaneously trying to both kill myself and stay alive

I was so sick

Do withdrawn

So down in myself

That boys or love or sex just didn't mean anything to me

I didn't think about them

I didn't long for them

Trying to get through the day without completely losing my shit was my priority

But now

Now I am actually feeling

Feeling feelings

And emotions

And urges 

And desires

I guess now that my physical and mental health have significantly improved

My body and mind have been re-awakened

That is both thrilling and terrifying

Some of you have asked me why

Why this particular boy

The answer to that is I am not entirely sure

Maybe because he is the first boy that I am aware had shown an interest in me

Maybe because he is a typical 'Bad boy'

Maybe because he reminds me off my former life

Maybe because he is dangerous

I don't know

I mean realistically

I know it could never work

My family would be so opposed to it

So I know I would end up having to choose between him and my family

It was the same with my ex-boyfriend

My family wanted nothing to go with him

He wasn't welcome in our house

And they made no secret about the fact that they out right objected to out relationship

That made life very difficult

My family got upset if I spent time with him

And my boyfriend felt abandoned when I went home

I was torn

And I hated it

I am desperately trying not to invest too much in this relationship

I am trying not to fall for this boy

Trying to protect myself

And stand back

To be civil

Maybe even friends

But nothing more

It's hard though

As they say

The heart wants what it wants

But I know it would make much more sense to stay friends 

Relationships just complicate matters 

The thing is this feels good 

It feels good to think that someone likes me

And may have a crush on me

It's flattering 

It's a compliment 

It warms my heart to think that there is a spark between us

I mean who doesn't want to fall in love

To meet that special someone

To be part of a couple

To have a partner

A best friend

Someone to share a life with

I know I want that

But I also know that I have to be careful

As if I pick the wrong person

It could all end in tears

When I told my mother about The Boy

She had a visceral reaction

And she doesn't even know him

It's a gut feeling that she had that he is bad news

'Menacing' to use her words

I made the point that everyone deserves a second chance

But she maintains that he will never be welcome in this house or in this family

And I have to respect that

So where do I go from here?

I guess I proceed with extreme caution

I need to protect myself 

And not put myself in a vulnerable situation

The feelings I have for him are strong

So I need to do the right thing

And not let my feelings rule what I do

This is one boy

There are plenty of others out there 

And I believe that there is someone for me

Someone who is in a good place

Who will be good for me

And bring out the best in me

I just need to be patient

I am sure I will know him when I meet him

I will feel it

Even though this whole situation is most confusing

And possibly even dangerous

I feel like it is progress 

Thus far 

My problems have been related to my ED and addiction

They have been huge and life threatening

And very heavy

Now my problems are more like 'normal person' problems 

Luxury problems 

First world problems

Before I was worried about purging 20 times a day

Low blood pressure 

Irregular heart beat

Dizziness

Depression

Crippling anxiety

Now I am worried about whether a boy likes me or not

That my friends 

Is most definitely progress

I'm also celebrating an exciting milestone tomorrow

But I won't write about that until it is the exact day and time