Tuesday 10 February 2015

Boy drama.......

After a few days of radio silence
The boy contacted me yesterday
Apologised for the lack of contact
And said that he had been extremely busy
He wanted to know if I wanted to meet up
I do
I do want to see him
I don't want to want to see him
But I do
I've realised over the last week that I need to be very careful
As I fear that he might not be entirely clean and sober
Is that part of the attraction I hear you ask
Kind of
Possibly
Maybe 
Probably
And as well as that
He is impossibly unreliable 
Probably because of said reasons of not being altogether clean and sober
And that drives me bananas
I mean
If you like me
Tell me
Show me
Let me know for Gods sake
I'm not a mind reader
I can't tell what you are thinking
When you don't text
I presume that you don't want to text me or see me
And when I text you
Text me back dude
Don't leave me hanging
That is not cool

I know that this whole situation could end in tears
I've had this feeling about boys in the past
Liking them
Even though I know it's heading for disaster
But the feelings of attraction are strong and powerful
And hard to resist
I can't lie
Knowing that someone might like me is a good feeling
Getting butterflies in my tummy is a good feeling
And it's a welcome distraction from ED and addiction related issues

This is my first brush with a boy since I started to recover
Before now
I haven't had a boyfriend
Or even a potential boyfriend in years 
So it's all very new and exciting
I have never had a sober relationship
I have no idea how that goes
I can't lie
It scares the be-Jesus out of me
Even the thought of kissing someone
Or any thing like that
And dare I say it
S-E-X
It is beyond me how anyone does that stone cold sober
It makes me shudder just thinking about it

When you are in the midst of an addiction and an ED
Sex is just not on your radar
And when you don't have it
You don't miss it
So I was perfectly content to live life with a non-existent sex life
I had other things on my mind
Like simultaneously trying to both kill myself and stay alive
I was so sick
Do withdrawn
So down in myself
That boys or love or sex just didn't mean anything to me
I didn't think about them
I didn't long for them
Trying to get through the day without completely losing my shit was my priority

But now
Now I am actually feeling
Feeling feelings
And emotions
And urges 
And desires
I guess now that my physical and mental health have significantly improved
My body and mind have been re-awakened
That is both thrilling and terrifying

Some of you have asked me why
Why this particular boy
The answer to that is I am not entirely sure
Maybe because he is the first boy that I am aware had shown an interest in me
Maybe because he is a typical 'Bad boy'
Maybe because he reminds me off my former life
Maybe because he is dangerous
I don't know

I mean realistically
I know it could never work
My family would be so opposed to it
So I know I would end up having to choose between him and my family
It was the same with my ex-boyfriend
My family wanted nothing to go with him
He wasn't welcome in our house
And they made no secret about the fact that they out right objected to out relationship
That made life very difficult
My family got upset if I spent time with him
And my boyfriend felt abandoned when I went home
I was torn
And I hated it

I am desperately trying not to invest too much in this relationship
I am trying not to fall for this boy
Trying to protect myself
And stand back
To be civil
Maybe even friends
But nothing more
It's hard though
As they say
The heart wants what it wants
But I know it would make much more sense to stay friends 
Relationships just complicate matters 

The thing is this feels good 
It feels good to think that someone likes me
And may have a crush on me
It's flattering 
It's a compliment 
It warms my heart to think that there is a spark between us
I mean who doesn't want to fall in love
To meet that special someone
To be part of a couple
To have a partner
A best friend
Someone to share a life with
I know I want that
But I also know that I have to be careful
As if I pick the wrong person
It could all end in tears

When I told my mother about The Boy
She had a visceral reaction
And she doesn't even know him
It's a gut feeling that she had that he is bad news
'Menacing' to use her words
I made the point that everyone deserves a second chance
But she maintains that he will never be welcome in this house or in this family
And I have to respect that

So where do I go from here?
I guess I proceed with extreme caution
I need to protect myself 
And not put myself in a vulnerable situation
The feelings I have for him are strong
So I need to do the right thing
And not let my feelings rule what I do
This is one boy
There are plenty of others out there 
And I believe that there is someone for me
Someone who is in a good place
Who will be good for me
And bring out the best in me
I just need to be patient
I am sure I will know him when I meet him
I will feel it

Even though this whole situation is most confusing
And possibly even dangerous
I feel like it is progress 
Thus far 
My problems have been related to my ED and addiction
They have been huge and life threatening
And very heavy
Now my problems are more like 'normal person' problems 
Luxury problems 
First world problems
Before I was worried about purging 20 times a day
Low blood pressure 
Irregular heart beat
Dizziness
Depression
Crippling anxiety
Now I am worried about whether a boy likes me or not
That my friends 
Is most definitely progress

I'm also celebrating an exciting milestone tomorrow
But I won't write about that until it is the exact day and time





6 comments:

  1. did you go to the meeting? was it a help?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm very excited to hear what your milestone is, Dear Ruby!
    <3 Lee

    ReplyDelete
  3. if you respond to comments,think people get fed up when u don't answer questions,not a criticism but"? no offence meant. s s.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apologies for not answering your question sooner
      And I know I have been really rubbish at replying to comments recently
      To answer your question
      I didn't go to the meeting
      But I hope to get to one soon

      Sorry again,

      Ruby

      Delete
  4. dont be sorry as long as you are ok, willing you to do well ss

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  5. It's a worry you think he mightn't be 100% clean and sober.
    I know you're an adult and capable of making your own decisions, but please, please be careful. If you're going to see him again, maybe make sure it's out in public and not a situation where drink or drugs could be present. I don't want you slipping down the path of addiction again; you're too precious a Ruby to lose.

    I've wondered too, why this boy. I think it could be good practice in the world of flirting and just generally interacting with boys, but I worry you're feelings could overrun logic and you'll get stuck in a situation you know isn't good for you. I know it's a cliché, but there are plenty of fish in the sea.

    xxxx

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x