Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Starry starry night....

I bring this post to you a tired but very happy Ruby
Yesterday was a lovely day
It started early 
I had a quick cuppa before going down to meet sister number two
We left her house at about ten
And picked up my nephew from his Dad's on the way
Then we headed out to the equestrian centre
The centre is about an hour from my door to their door
But I enjoy it so much 
I don't mind the journey at all
The pony camp was on this week
And myself and my nephew arrived at about 11am to help out
There were about ten kids 
I was watching them ride 
And they were amazing!
Theses kids were from age 6 - 12
And they were well able to ride 
I was seriously impressed
There were a lot of helpers there today 
Do there wasn't a whole lot of work for myself and Oisin
But we helped where we could 
Leading the horses 
Giving the kids lunch 
But there was a lot of hanging around
To be honest 
I felt a bit out of my depth 
There were so many people there 
A lot of strong personalities 
And I kind of felt like I was being really quiet and awkward 
I was having a cuppa with the owner
And another girl who is a stunt rider
I felt like a meek little mouse 
My confidence is definitely something I need to work on 
Don't get me wrong 
I loved being there today 
I just felt like I wasn't being myself 
I have to remember 
I am only going a few weeks
And I am working on my confidence and self esteem 
I am
A work in progress 

At about 2pm
We got to ride 
Two of the men from my group also came 
I was so delighted to finally get up and ride
Oisin also got to ride 
He was led around 
And he got to trot
He did so well
I got to canter today 
Which was amazing!
One of the lads called Daniel led me
And I felt like I was going so fast 
I had this big grin on my face
And it felt exhilarating!
Eilis said she will do more with me next week
So that's something to look forward to 
It's all about baby steps 
Growing and improving each week
Oisin loved the place 
Being with the animals 
And being around others who live animals too
It was lovely to do something just be and my nephew 
Animals are something that we really bond over
It's our thing 
And that is very special
And apparently I am going to be in a horse show in May 
I don't know what I have to do
Or what it's all about 
But I'm sure it will all become clear in time 
I just can't think about it
Or there's no way I'll be able to do it
The lesson finished at about 3pm
I was on Star as usual 
He is my bestie now 
I love him 
He's so patient and gentle 
And I think he mirrors me well

Food presented a bit of a problem today
I had brought a sandwich 
But it turned out that they made chips and sausages there 
I took a plate but coul barely eat any of it
When one of the little boys started crying they he had no sausages 
I gave him mine
So I just had a couple of chips
It was all I could stomach
It was a long day
And to be honest 
I was glad to hit the road for home
I'm just not used to being around so many new people 
And I can be quite shy and quiet
I'm hoping my confidence will improve 
As I don't like being a wall flower 
Eilis tells me my confidence will come on
I hope she is right 
On the way home 
We went to Homeland
Home land is this amazing store
It has a pet centre 
A groomers 
A garden centre 
And loads of DIY stuff and the like 
I picked up food for the dogs
And food for my neighbours dog too
After that 
We made our way home
I felt exhausted 
But still high on adrenaline may the same time
I thought back over the day 
And thought of incidents where I could have been a bit more sociable or chatty 
But look
I did my best 
I will never be loud or brash
It's just not in me
But I hope people will give me a chance 
Because I will eventually feel comfortable around you
And it will be worth the wait 
I promise you that 

I didn't take my meds this morning
As I wanted to be alert and lucid for the day
Usually on my way to the centre 
I fall asleep in the seat
But today I was very lucid and awake
I did feel different having not taken it
I felt hyper alert and sensitive
And had a lot more energy I found
I took it the minute I got home
And instantly felt relaxed 
That is probably a psychological thing 
Just knowing that I've taken it makes me feel better 
Today was great though 
To spend a day doing something I love is an absolute joy 
And to come home and feel naturally tired is so great
I sleep so well these nights 
And I know it's because I am more active 
Even though I am just sitting on the horse 
It is still hard work 
Hard but so enjoyable 
I would love to do more 
Heck I would love to ride every day if I could 
Hopefully during the summer I can do it more frequently 
Horse riding has really captured my attention and imagination 
It's something I wish I had done more of over the years 
Better late than ever right?

We are getting some work done on our bathroom this week
So there are two men here working 
One of the men is called Pat
We have known him since we moved here ten years ago 
He often does jobs around our house 
We were having a cup of tea yesterday 
And he reminded me of what I used to be like 
He said he would call in to the house 
And I would be passed out on the living room floor 
From drinking vodka and abusing my meds 
He used to try to help me 
But I wouldn't listen to him at all
He said that there is such a difference in me now 
And it's true 
I've worked hard to get to place where I am happy and healthy 
Granted sometimes it's two steps forward and one back 
But the important thing is to keep moving in the right direction 
Every morning 
I ask my higher power to help me get through the day without hurting myself or anyone else
And be thankful that night
Horse riding is helping me change my life 
And I just know it will help me with my confidence and self esteem 
Eilis is the lady who runs the place she never asks me about my conditions 
But I would live to tell her about my history 
Of drugs and ED
Just to let her know why I am the way I am
And I am trying to get my life back on track
But she is always so busy 
So it's hard to get a quiet word with her
But I'm sure I will
When the time is right 
I am so paranoid though
I was thinking that they all thought I was the weird quiet girl with piercings in her face
But again
That is my head telling me that 
And my head is not a reliable source of information
But I will keep going
Keep pushing myself to get out and about and live my life 
Push through the fear and the anxiety 
And do the things I want to do 
I think it's so important to move outside our comfort zones 
And do something that tests us and challenges us
Other wise we don't grow and thrive 
I have Mary to thank for hooking me up with Eilis and the horses
Mary works with a girl called Sam
And Sam goes to the centre 
And put the word out about people with mental health issues riding 
Sam was there my first day riding 
And Eilis told me today that she will he there next week
It will be good to see her 
And show her how far I've come

I will leave you here 
I'm going to take it easy today 
And get my strength back 
Hope all is well in your world 
See you in the next post....

Sunday, 27 March 2016

Happy Easter!

To all my fellow bloggers and readers
I wish you a very happy Easter
I am still away 
My Mum and I are staying here until tomorrow
My sister and her partner are minding Honey and Lea
I hate to leave them
But at least they don't have to go to the kennels 
My sister absolutely loves them 
So I know they will be well looked after
That doesn't stop me texting ten times a day to see how they are
After visiting the horses yesterday
We headed back in to town
And I went back to Topshop
Where I purchased the blue oversized shirt that I had tried on the day before 
Photos of that to follow...
We went back to the house then
Where we relaxed for a couple of hours 
Before heading out to dinner
The restaurant was called The Yellow Pepper
It was so busy 
And there was a real buzz about the place
We took our seats 
Ordered drinks 
And had a look at the menu 
There were a few things I liked the look of
The beef stroganoff 
Lentil and sweet potato curry
And pork belly 
In the end
I went for the stroganoff 
Mam had the veg casserole
And my uncle had the chicken
Mine was yummy 
I ordered a side of mash with it 
Mash is like my favourite food
And this one was creamy and smooth and extremely delicious 
Stroganoff is made with a paprika, brandy and cream sauce 
And as I made my way through it 
It began to make me feel sick
So I stopped there 
My uncle I shared an apple pie
Whic was also very good
And my uncle kindly treated us to dinner 
So that was nice 
He then went out to the pub
And my mother and I went home
I watched TV for a while 
Before heading to bed
I was asleep in seconds 

Today is Easter Sunday 
I'm not sure what we are doing today 
But I'm sure it will be something good
This part of the country is wildly beautiful
So many lovely beaches
And walks
It's nice to get away for a couple of days 
Although I am a home bird 
A change of scenery can be a tonic 
My uncle is great to stay with
Very laid back and relaxed 
I feel very comfortable here 

In other news 
I am trying my level best to ignore my weight 
To eat intuitively 
Eat when I'm hungry 
Stop when I'm full
No purging 
And no obsessive body checking 
As Mich and a few others pointed out
My dream of a house in the country surrounded by animals will never happen if I choose to maintain my ED
It's one or the other 
I can't have both 
And if I had to choose 
I would choose my dream life any day of the week 
It's down to me to put the wheels in motion
And start working towards those dreams 
I can just picture it
An old stone house 
With a half barn door 
Dogs running out to greet you
Maybe chickens and hens in the back 
A field with two donkeys 
Shelley and Jessie 
And of course 
Space for a couple of horses 
I would just be in heaven 
And the thing is
It's not a million miles away 
It's very possible
Very attainable 
As long as I stay well and healthy 
And I want to 
I really really want to 

What are you doing for Easter?

Saturday, 26 March 2016


Today my uncle, my Mum and I
All headed out to my uncles friends house
He is a former dentist
And him and his wife keep horses
I wasn't able to ride on this occasion
But I was still super excited to see their place
The house was about ten minutes outside of the town
A beautiful stone affair
And I could see the stables to the right of the house
We rang the bell
The door was one of those half barn doors 
Too cute
The man answered and ushered us in to a beautiful old fashioned country kitchen
Where a little dog called Eddy greeted us very enthusiastically 
We were introduced to his wife who was having her lunch 
And then went out the back door
And up to the stables 
They have six horses
And what majestic creatures
These were huge animals 
My little Star looks positively small beside them 
We were shown around 
The stables 
The horse solarium
The horse spa 
The horse exerciser
Oh yes 
These people are hard core horsey folk
It was all fascinating 
I could have stayed there all day
After looking around 
We retired back to the kitchen for tea and cake 
Before we hit the road again
Truly though
I fell in love with the place
That is my dream
To live surrounded by animals
To work with them
Play with them
Just to be around them
Would be my idea of heaven

Enough words
On to the photos......

Friday, 25 March 2016


As my Mum and I both have free travel
We got the bus up north to my uncle Ds 
I started packing two day ago
I love packing 
I love sorting out clothes to wear 
Mixing and matching different outfits
I always bring too many clothes
And usually I buy a couple of things 
So my case is bursting on the way home
We arrived her at about 3 30pm
Dropped our bags off at the house
And then walked in to town
I am on the look out for a nice over sized shirt 
So I had a look in a couple of shops
And tried on a few
Usually I am my usual impulsive self 
And buy something 
But today I couldn't make a decision
And so left the shops empty handed 
We retired to a coffee shop
For tea and a bun
Later on we went out for dinner 
In a local hotel 
I had a burger and chips
But didn't really enjoy it if I am honest
I did enjoy the company and the chat though
After food
We headed back to the house
To relax
And watch some TV 
A nice way to end the day 

Gym monster left an interesting comment on yesterday's post
She made the point that knowing and obsessing about my weight
Is directly linked to my mood
I had to read the post a couple of times 
And had a think about it 
I think she has a point 
Last summer 
I was doing well
I felt good 
I wasn't weighing myself 
I was going by how I felt rather than what I looked like 
I was the happiest I had been in a long time 
The logical thing to do is to stop weighing 
And focus on being healthy 
Instead of being thin 
I've done it before 
There is nothing to stop me doing it again 
Nothing except myself 
And I am notorious for getting in my own way
Trying on clothes today
Looking in mirrors 
I don't hate what I see
I don't particularly like it 
But I don't hate it 
I can live with it 
I'm just so tired of fighting with myself 
Of hating myself 
Of the cruelty and shame that is this illness
I give up 
I'm done trying to win this war
I'm walking away
I'm giving up
That is not to say I'm giving up on life
Not at all 
I'm giving up this God for saken battle 
This war of wills
The only way the ED wins 
Is if I die
I'm not willing to lay down my life in the name of this illness 
Life is too short to play this game of numerical roulette
I don't want this life of guilt and shame 
I just want to live a normal life 
My dream is to have my own place in the country 
A small field where I can keep donkeys 
A house full of dogs 
When I'm thinking about my hopes and dreams 
The size I am doesn't come in to it 
I don't think about my dream life clothes size
I think about things that feed my soul 
Not about what clothes size I fit in to
Does anyone?
I don't know....

Today we are going out to my uncles friend 
Who keep horses
And work with people including autistic kids 
I'm hoping to ride too
If they can fit me in
I spoke to my nephew yesterday 
He is coming out to the horse centre with me on Wednesday 
To help with the pony camp
And then have a lesson in the afternoon
I'm looking forward to seeing the place today 
Horse riding is opening a whole lot of new opportunities to me
And I'm loving that 
It's amazing what can happen when you get off the couch
And venture in to the big wide world 
If we just life our heads 
Stop looking at the cracks in the ground 
And start looking at the world around us 
If we look to our fellows
Instead of naval gazing 
And reach out 
Instead of closing in
I think I have now reached the point of this post where I have officially stopped caring making sense
I am now going to make like Sylvia Plath
And stick my head in the oven 
Only joking 
But only just
I'm off to see what trouble I can get up to
See you on the next post....


My Mum and I are away this weekend 
Not too far though
We are staying with my uncle who lives about 90 minutes north
I am still struggling with my bloggers block
My struggle seems somehow insignificant at the moment 
And I am tired talking and writing about myself 
I'm sure this will pass
It's just a phase 
Sometimes I am blogging enthusiastically every day
Other times it's good to be silent
And right now
I feel like I have nothing of any importance to say or write 
Please bear with me 
I will be back
I promise you that 

Thursday, 24 March 2016


I've been finding it really difficult to blog this week
I've been experiencing a kind of bloggers block
I just haven't been able to string a coherent sentence together
And I've been avoiding blogger 
There isn't anything wrong as such 
I just don't feel one hundred percent myself 
I feel really tired 
Not present in my own body or mind 
I feel like I don't fit in 
Not in my own family 
Not at the meetings 
The only place that I'm really enjoying at the moment is with the horses 
I just feel so at home 
And so free when I am up on Star
Like nothing else matters at that moment 
As you know 
I ride with a group of MS sufferers 
And we all leave our troubles at the door 
And just have fun 
Enjoy each other's company
As well as the horses 
There is such a lovely atmosphere there 
And everyone has a lovely time 
Next week 
I am going to help with the pony camp for kids 
And my nephew is coming with me too
We are going to work for the day 
And then have a lesson in the afternoon
So that is something to look forward to 

Apart from that glorious day once a week 
When I forget about my troubles 
Things are tough 
I saw Mary this morning 
It was a long and tough session
We covered a lot 
Family issues
And of course weight 
She weighed me 
I didn't look 
But then as always 
I asked her what it was 
I had gained one kilo in the last couple of weeks 
Even though it's small amount 
I still had a bad reaction to it 
And immediately began to withdraw and close up
Mary is convinced it's muscle 
As I am a lot more active 
It could be I guess 
But I just wasn't open to suggestion at that point 
It's not so much that fact that I gained a kilo
It's more the fear that I will continue to carry on gaining like this 
And spin out  of control 
We talked about my anxiety around numbers 
They are just numbers Mary said 
But having measured my worth in pounds and ounces for so long
It's hard to escape that prison
That rigid way of thinking 
And the thing is 
Before Mary weighed me this morning 
I felt alright in my body
I bought a new pair of size 8 trousers yesterday 
And I felt I looked something approaching decent 
It was only when Mary weighed me that I had my little meltdown 
Those bloody numbers are the Bain of my life 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
How you made peace with the numbers in your life?
If yes
How did you do that?
Do you think we should weigh in recovery?
Why do you think that ?
Answers on a postcard please....

Wednesday, 23 March 2016


Apologies for the radio silence over the past few days
Life intervened
And I just didn't get a chance to write
Also I didn't really want to write
I wrote a post on Monday
And promptly deleted it
If you did read it 
You will know that my Mum was diagnosed with osteoporosis this week
In her spine and hips 
I deleted the post as I felt I needed to process the information before writing about it
This news has come as a bit of a shock
My Mum had a bone scan done a few weeks ago 
And on Monday she got the results
I went to speak to her
And she looked really shook
I asked what was wrong 
She said nothing 
But I knew there was something 
She told me that she had received some bad news
That she had just got off the phone from her doctor 
And she informed Mum that she has osteoporosis 
It was a real shock
And I could see from Mum that she had not expected it either 
We sat in silence for a while 
Neither of us sure what to say or do 
I asked about treatment 
And Mum had been told she could get an injection twice a year that would help manage it
Also diet and exercise 
The doctor recommended that Mum join a gym 
And practise weight bearing exercises 
So at least there are things she can do to help herself 
All is not lost

So yea 
I haven't much felt like writing the last few days
Don't worry though 
I'm not going anywhere 
Sometimes it's good to take a break
Take a step back and look at things from a distance 
I know I don't need to tell you how much much my Mum means to me
She is my life 
The one who never gave up on me
Only for her 
I have no doubt I wouldn't be here
But this is life 
We live 
We grow up 
Grow old 
Get ill
Time waits for no man
Or woman

I'm sorry that I left you hanging 
It's just a difficult it time at the moment 
I'm sure you understand 

Saturday, 19 March 2016


I was in the supermarket the other day
When I met a woman that I hadn't seen in a while 
She reached out to my face 
And said I looked like I was filling out
I waited for the horror of these words to wash over me
I bit my lip in case I began to lose my shit
I smiled 
And said thank you 
I don't know why I thanked her
But I couldn't think of anything else to say
I moved on 
The smile still plastered on my face 
And held my breath in anticipation of a complete meltdown 
But you know what?
It never happened 
The shit storm never happened
I registered the words for what they were 
Someone wanting to give me a compliment 
Someone being kind
And acknowledging that I am getting well
If someone had said that to me a year ago
I would have just lost my shit altogether 
It wouldn't have just ruined my day
It would've ruined my whole life 
This time 
This time I was able to take the words in the spirit in which they were intended
And that my friends 
Is progress

I haven't been weighing myself in recent times 
I've just been going how I feel 
My clothes still fit 
I don't feel like they are too small or too big 
And I've been feeling pretty ok
This morning I had a massive urge to know what I weighed 
So I pulled my old dusty scales out from under the drawers 
And tentatively stepped on
The numbers flashed 
Then settled
BMI : 18
I can handle that 
I can live with that 
I would be more than happy if my weight stAyed   here 
Give or take a few pounds 
How I wish that I didn't give a shit
How I wish that weight and numbers meant nothing to me
That the scales was not the be all and end all 
How I wish I liked and accepted my body
My self 
Even just part of myself 
I don't know you guys 
I hope it gets  better 
Tell me it does
Promise me....

Thursday, 17 March 2016

St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all you lovely readers!
Gosh this day brings back memories
Mostly bad ones 
Growing up
Paddys day was an excuse to get absolutely blotto
And inevitably there would be a massive family row
More often than not 
My Mum and I would move out for the weekend 
And go to my sisters or a friend 
Just to get away
Then came the drug years 
When St. Patrick's Day was just another day in the daily grind of addiction
I can remember one quite well
Dublin was heaving with people 
And I was wandering around 
Trying to get money together
And generally feeling very sorry for myself 
I can remember looking at all the people 
Enjoying the parade
I remember seeing a guy that I had been in treatment with 
He had a little girl on his shoulders 
She looked like she was having such great fun
I didn't go over to them 
I was in quite a state
And didn't want to involve them in my sorry situation 
I can't remember what else happened that day
I must have got drugs at some stage
As the rest of the day is a blur 

These days 
I tend to avoid town on this day
As it is still an excuse to drink until you can't stand up anymore 
So today 
My Mam, Honey and Lea and I 
Will be curling up in the couch 
With hot cups of tea
And a box of sweets 

Whatever you are up to today 
If you are celebrating 
Or isolating 
I wish you a very happy St. Patrick's day 
To you and yours 
I am sporting green trousers in an effort to get in to the spirit of the occasion     
And yes 
I have gained weight....

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Horse Riding

After a long hard winter
We finally saw a little bit of spring this week
Which makes life a little easier
It's not so hard to get up in the morning
It's not so cold
People seem to be in better form
Weather is something that is discussed to death in this country
We love to get a sunny day
So we can talk at length about the great stretch on the evenings
But we also love to give out about the weather almost as much as we like talking about the good

As you know
I now go horse riding every Wednesday 
Which I look forward to all week
The equine centre is about an hours drive
And yes
I always bring someone with me
Today that someone was my mum
I dont mind the journey 
Heck I used to travel the length and breadth of the country to get drugs
So an hours drive for something I love, is no trouble at all
The session was great
As always
I am now in a group with two men
Who have been attending the centre for the past three years
One of them canters and everything!
I asked if I could canter too
Not yet 
As ever 
I am eager to go galloping around the arena 
But I am learning that patience is a virtue
And I have to remind myself that these people have been horse riding for years
I have been riding for all of five weeks
Pace yourself Ruby

My Mum
The budding photographer 
Took some photos from the judges box
Here they are...

Tuesday, 15 March 2016

Eating and Living: Recipes for recovery

A few months ago
I was contacted by a lady called Francesca Baker
Francesca was putting a book together
A recipe book for eating disorder recovery by those who have been there
I was asked to contribute a recipe
Which I did 
And a little blurb to go along side it
I decided to pick chicken chasseur
As it was something I began to eat during the first year of recover
And my little story was about how my sister had come home from Australia and was teaching me how to cook
The book is now for sale on Amazon
And I got my copy last week
It is beautifully put together
And I am so delighted to have been part of it

Monday, 14 March 2016

Bad News

I've been worried the last couple of days
That my piercing was becoming infected 
It looks quite raw
Although it is not sore
And I have to admit 
I have purged a few times in the last couple of days 
So I don't know if that has contributed 
I saw my doctor this morning
Nice Woman Doctor
She brought it to my attention that it could in fact be infected
She asked if I am allergic to penicillin 
As that would be the best medication for it
But I am in fact allergic 
So I had to get a less effective one
She also told me to soak it in a salt water solution 
And to take progress photos over the next week
To see if it's getting better or worse
You guys 
I am so disappointed 
So disappointed that I purged 
That I let this happen 
I thought I was doing everything right
And I was at first 
As ever 
My ED got the better of me
And now I have an infected lip piercing 
The doctor said that if it hadn't improved in a few days 
The bar will need to come out
I am just going to be so diligent over the next week
And hope that I have caught it in time 
No purging 
Got that Ruby?
No. Purging.

So I wanted to ask any of you lovely ladies who have piercings 
Have you ever had an infection from one?
How did you deal with it?
Did you have to take the piercing out?
Did it heal? 

I really don't want to have to take the bar out 
It was an expensive and painful procedure 
And it would be a shame to have to let it close up and heal 
God dammit
I know this is my own stupid fault 
Maybe the purging had nothing to do with it
But I suspect it has
I am just so annoyed at myself 
That is all 

Saturday, 12 March 2016


ELast night
I went in to the city 
To attend the annual AA convention
It was my first ever convention
So I was both terrified and thrilled to be a part of it
I went with two of the ladies from the lunch time meetings
We all met up at 6pm
And arrived at the hotel it was being held at about 6 30pm
All day yesterday 
I was a ball of anxiety 
And came very close to cancelling on several occasions 
But I really wanted to go
And I felt comfortable with the two ladies
I knew they would look out for me
We were some of the first to arrive
We registered 
And headed in to our first meeting of the evening

I guess before I go any further 
I should explain what an AA convention
It's like any other convention
Only its for alcoholics
The theme this year was 'Happy, joyous and free'
There are meetings on the hour
Every hour 
It's also a social event 
A chance to meet knew people
And have a good night
In this country 
Al lot of socialisation is done in the pub
So it can be difficult to meet people in other situations
I really enjoyed the convention
The people were friendly 
The craic was mighty
And the meetings were so powerful
All in all 
It was a great night
And in so glad that I went 
That I battled my anxiety and won
I arrived home at about 1am
My sister and my mum waited up for me 
And I told them all about it 

It has taken me almost two hours to write this short post 
As I keep falling asleep 
Or writing something that makes no sense
I just wanted to share with you about the convention
As it was a big deal for me
I'm off for a little power nap
See you on the next post....

Friday, 11 March 2016

Friday 11 March

Yesterday was a very busy day
I saw Mary in the morning 
Went to a lunch time meeting
And in the evening 
My mother and I went to a free dance class that was on in the local theatre
I was wrecked tired yesterday 
But I really wanted to go to the dancing 
As its something that I really enjoy
There were two dance classes on back to back 
First was Salsa
And then there was Ceili dancing 
Which is traditional Irish dancing
The class started at  8pm
We arrived on time 
Filled in a form
And took a seat in the room
There was salsa music playing 
And there was quite a few people there
Just then 
The teacher came over to speak to us 
She spoke in Irish 
I can speak a little Irish 
But my Mum is fluent 
The teacher explained that they were speaking Irish as it was Irish speaking week
So the class was to be in Irish!

More and more people filed in
I'd say there was about 30 of us 
And soon the class began 
The teacher was great
She explained things well
And had a lovely way about her
We did a wArm up 
Which was great fun
Then on to the dancing proper
We learned  the basic steps 
Then in partners 
One leading 
One following 
We practised our best Salsa 
We changed partners every few minutes 
So we got to dance with a lot of different people 
I really enjoyed it
And my Mum was laughing her head off
So I think it's fair to say that she enjoyed it too
In no time at all
The class was over 
The teacher left on the music so we could continue to practise 
She was going around the room dancing with different people 
Then she came to me
'You're a natural' she said
'So light on your feet'
I told her that I used to dance a lot
I asked her if she was a school teacher
As I got that vibe off her
But she told me that she was a pharmacist 
I thought about how I had been a pharmacist of a kind in another life
I thought it was just a bit ironic 
She asked me what I do
I told her that I was starting work in May 
And that I also write
'Are you a journalist?'she asked 
I said I wasn't 
And explained that I blog and such 
She asked what I write about 
I was kind of caught on the hop
And before I knew it
I was telling her that I am recovering from an eating disorder
And my blog was about the journey to recovery 
I'm still not entirely sure why I decided to share that information 
I kind of felt like I said too much
Given that it was supposed to be an evening of fun
I tend not to hide my conditions
And I think it's good to be open about things 
Especially mental health issues
She seemed really interested in this
And asked me for my blog address
Which I gave her
Will she read it or not?
I don't know 
But she was really kind 
That's why I thought she was a teacher
Because she was gentle
And made everyone feel really comfortable 

The Salsa finished up
And it was Ceili time
To say it was organised chaos is probably accurate
There were so many of us
And the Ceili is a fast dance 
So there was much laughing and joking 
And it was all great fun
Half way through 
It was getting late 
So my mum and I decided to call it a night
I hope they will do more classes
As we thoroughly enjoyed it
It was great to get out for an evening 
And meet new people 
Not sit catatonic in front of the TV all night
Of course you know they I love dancing 
I also found out that there is Zumba on every Tuesday night
So I might just venture out to that too
Mum preferred the Irish dancing
But I definitely preferred the Salsa
If given another chance at life 
I would never have given up dancing when I did
I don't believe in having regrets 
But dancing is something that I am  sorry I didn't pursue

We arrived home about 10 30pm
These days that is a late night for me
I'm usually in my pyjamas by 7pm
I was starting to ruminate about what I told the teacher 
And the verbal diarrhoea that seems to pour out of me at random times
I guess I talk and write about my eating disorder so much 
That I forget to maybe hold back a little in some situations
But the teacher last night gave me a positive response 
And seemed genuinely interested in my blog
But it does beg the question
And I am throwing the floor over to you

Do you speak openly about your eating disorder or mental illness?
If not why not?
If yes, why yes?
What sort of a response do you get when you talk about it?
Have you ever had a negative reaction in response?
Inquiring minds want to know....

Thursday, 10 March 2016


So near
And yet so far
I had almost reached a full week purge free
After eating a bowl of pasta yesterday evening 
I broke my streak 
It was actually two bowls of pasta
I made spaghetti bolognase for dinner
I gave myself a modest portion
And half way through 
I decided that I'd had enough 
And put it in the fridge
Later on
About two hours later
I decided I would have the rest of the pasta
I can't say I was hungry exactly
At least not physically hungry
Maybe emotionally hungry
The second I had it eaten 
I knew I was in trouble 
But instead of asking my family for help
Or trying to distract myself 
I headed to the bathroom
And did the dirty deed 
The relief felt good
But it was fleeting 
Immediately I felt guilty
I had been so looking forward to telling Mary that I had gone a whole week without purging 
But it wasn't to be 

Today is a new day. 
And a chance to get back on track 
I started off my day walking Lea
Honey elects to stay at home sometimes
We had a lovely walk
Then it was time for me to go and see Mary
Today I was seeing her in a town further afield 
In the new primary care centre
I get anxious going to new places
I found it ok
And got parked nearby
I headed up to the second floor 
Where Mary told me her room was 
I settled in to a seat in the room
And Mary asked me how the past week has been 
I told her about all the good things 
The horses 
Helping out at the Easter camps
And of course starting to get a handle on the purging 
She seemed genuinely delighted for me
And to be making progress at long last is exciting 
We chatted for a while
Until she asked me if I had been weighing
I was honest 
And said I had a couple of times 
But the thing is
My mum and sister maintain that my scale is giving a false reading 
And weighing too high
According to my calculations
I have gained ten pounds in little more than a week
So Mary weighed me on her scales 
And it said I had gained two kilos 
So my own scale is wrong 
I was delighted to only have put on two kilos 
As I was convinced that I had gained more 
And anyway 
I could do with a couple of kilos 
So it's all good 

Today is day 1 again
I can learn from my mistakes yesterday
And use that going forward
I am excited to be purge free
I know I don't need to explain to you how much it means to me to stop this behaviour 
I've been purbing every single day since I was 19
Even in treatment I couldn't stop
Couldn't even get one day
It was just another part of my day
I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom 
For the longest time
I didn't believe that I could stop
I was resigned to the fact that purging would be a part of my life forever
But now 
Now I believe that I can stop
That it is possible to have a life post ED
I have given up harder things in the past 
So why not purging too?
And I am already feeling the benefit of not purging 
Despite the uncomfortable feeling and bloating 
I had more energy 
Wasn't so pale and wan looking 
My hair and nails and skin improved 
And I generally felt better about myself 

Today is a fresh start
I know to avoid very filling foods at the moment
Such as pasta
For now 
Eventually I am sure I will be able to re introduce them again
And eat a varied diet 
It's such a relief though
Not to be piling on the weight
Purging kept my weight low  
And now I'm sure my body is rehydrating 
And working the way it should 
Two kilos is not much 
And that's clothes 
Without clothes it's probably only one kilo or so
I am happy to maintain my weight at this 
A BMI of just over 18
I can live with that 
In fact I can live with anything up to 20
As ever 
It's not the number that is important 
Or how I look 
What I weigh
The important thing is to be healthy and happy 
And I feel something approaching these two things 
And that my friends
Is a minor freakin' miracle

I really wanted to share this with you today
Because I want you to know that recovery is possible 
That there is life after anorexia/bulimia 
There is hope 
There is recovery there for you and me
It's right in front of us 
We just need to reach out and grab
There is the danger of falling 
But that's ok
We can get up 
Dust ourselves off 
And continue on
Fall down seven times 
Get back up eight 
I am a firm believer in that 
So today 
Know that there is hope 
There is a life for you 
A life that is ED free 
Addiction free 
Self harm free
Believe me when I say that together we can beat our demons 
Together we can build a better life
We can recover 
We can reach our hopes and dreams 
It is possible 
I promise you that 

So today 
I urge you to step outside your comfort zone 
Push the boundaries 
Take a risk 
A risk in life 
You won't regret it
You won't be sorry 
We will get there 
I just know we will
Are you with me???

Wednesday, 9 March 2016


I was up early this morning 
To get things ready before I went horse riding
Those things being walking and feeding the dogs
As we were gone about three hours
I generally try not to leave them on their own for too long
3-4 hours is a long time for a dog
But once in a while it is ok
We were all heading in to town this morning 
My Mum was going to get book club
And myself and my sister heading a further half hour away to the stables
We left at about 10 30am
Stopped at the bank to get money 
Dropped Mum in town 
And continued on until we reached the stables 
Today I was on Star again
The teacher tells me that Star is the best horse to learn on
We did a lot of trotting today
And holy shit!
My ass kills!
I need to get some padding on there ASAP
But as ever 
It was so enjoyable 
The teacher asked me if I was free over Easter 
And if I would like to help with the camps she'll be doing with kids on their half term break
I was so excited to be asked
And said I would definitely love to do it 
So that is another thing to look forward to

Here are some photos from today....

Tuesday, 8 March 2016


I'm almost a week purge free
And that is great
Nothing short of a small miracle
But I have to be honest
It's not easy
Not one little bit
I'm trying to eat proper meals and snacks
I have one slice of toast in the morning
Maybe soup for lunch
And whatever is going for dinner
I would eat a big portion
As it wouldn't be staying down 
So it didn't matter how much I ate
But now 
I have to be more mindful and more careful with my portions
And I must admit 
I have been avoiding carbs
As hey make me feel way too full
I guess that my stomach has shrunk over the years 
And now any amount of food is uncomfortable
I feel like I am eating 
But the food isn't going any where
It's just sitting in my gut 
Take yesterday for example 
We were having chips and fish fingers and beans for dinner
I had four fish fingers and a small portion of beans 
No chips 
As I knew they would fill me up completely 
Even though I only had a small portion for dinner 
The whole evening long I felt so full
So bloated 
And so uncomfortable 
This is exactly the reason why I purged so much 
Because I couldn't handle the full feeling
And now I am feeling full all day
It's doing my head in!

Last night 
I felt like I was losing the plot I was in so much discomfort 
My mother suggested that I drink some hot water and lemon
And use a hot water bottle 
The lemon drink did help
The discomfort subsided 
And it felt like the food was moving along
I went to bed early 
As I was wiped out
I woke up in the middle of the night 
And had the worlds longest wee
Then another one early morning
And another one when I got up
So I'm thinking that I was retaining water 
And the lemon drink helped my digestion
I knew this would happen 
I knew there would be a period of time when my body was readjusting to not making it purge several times a day
And I know it will settle down 
When my body gets used to having food inside it 
I just need to be patient 
And ride it out

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit 
I am almost one third of the way there 
I have had horrendous cravings to purge 
To get the food out of my stomach 
To feel empty
But I am determined not to purge 
I have very valid reasons too
I want to keep my teeth in good shape 
I don't want to get an infection in my lip
I can't afford to keep up with the amount of food I was eating 
And for my general health and 
Well being 
Not to mention the freedom and peace of mind that comes with a life without bulimia/anorexia
It's just not worth it 
And as for my weight
I'm just going to have to suck thTttttat up too
I just can't wait for the bloating to subside 
I feel like I am full of air
Like if you stuck a pin in me
I would deflate and fly around the room like a balloon 

I just hope this passes soon 
I can't take much more......

Monday, 7 March 2016


I know I say it every Monday morning
But the weeks are just whizzing by
A bit too fast for my liking 
But as they say
Time waits for no man
Or something to that effect
Yesterday was Mothering Sunday 
We got my mum a candle and a mug
As well as a little creamer and sugar bowl
We had dinner in the house 
Then watched a movie
I hate Sunday's 
But as they go
It was a nice one 
Then up this morning for my appointment at nine
My sister was with me
As she had an appointment too with Nice Woman Doctor
I went to check in 
The receptionist told me that my usual doctor wasn't there 
So they put me on Nice Woman Doctors list
I was disappointed that he wasn't there this morning 
As I wanted to know what he thought of the piece of writing I gave him
That will have to wait until next week 

Nice Woman Doctor called me in pretty much straight away
I followed her to her room
And took a seat
The first thing she said to me was that the strain has gone from my face 
That I look more relaxed
And asked me how I was doing 
I explained that things had improved since the last time I saw her a few weeks ago
I filled her in about the horses 
The job I will start in May 
And going back to meetings 
She asked me how my food was going
I told her it was a lot better 
And haven't purged in a few days
Today is actually day 5
I miscounted yesterday 
The doctor filled out my script
And I went on my way 
My sister also had an appointment with her this morning
Straight after me 
So I headed up to the pharmacy 
The usual pharmacist is back from maternity leave
I welcomed her back 
And tried to make conversation
But she was so cold
Answering in me word answers 
I got my meds 
And went back to my car to wait for my sister 

In other news 
My scale tell me that I have put on ten pounds since last week
I asked members of my family to stand on it to see if they were getting incorrect readings 
For each of them 
It gAve a misreading
My clothes also don't feel any tighter 
And I don't think I look any different
So I'm thinking my scale is wrong
I mean 
Is it even possible to put on ten pounds in a week?
I'm not so sure 
To be honest 
I don't mind gaining a little weight
I have a few pounds to play around with 
And anyway 
I would rather weigh a little more and feel good 
RAther than be underweight and miserable 
I don't even like the skinny, too thin look anymore 
I used to
I used to like stick arms and legs 
A huge head on a tiny body
Big hollow eyes 
Sunken cheekbones 
Sharp collar bones and hip bones 
Looking like death warmed up 
I now prefer the curvy look
A bit of shape 
With soft curves and a healthy glow
I like when I gave a bit of weight on 
My boobs Are bigger
My thighs have shape
And my bum fills my jeans 
There is nothing wrong in looking like a woman 
A healthy and happy woman
Being severely underweight
Is wearing your pain on your body
Often times we can't find words to express how we feel 
So we use our bodies to do it
No one who is living in an emaciated body is happy 
I guaruntee you that
But I do wish that my weight would settle 
It's pretty traumatic how my weight fluctuates so much 
If it stayed in or around a healthy weight
Then at least I could get used to my body 
The way it yo-yos up and down doesn't give me a chance to get used to my body at a particular weight
My goal weight in treatment was 54kg
Which just about puts me in the healthy range 
I'm a bit off that yet
To be honest 
I would be perfectly happy with that weight
And I think it's when I look my best 
My weight has gone up to 60-62kg in recent times 
And I'm not as comfortable at that weight
And I don't think it suits me
But in reality 
Weight does not matter 
The number does not matter 
As long as I'm not drastically under or over weight 
Then I am doing ok 
I am ok 

I am loving my new piercing 
And the reaction it is getting 
I feel like I've been bitten by the bug now 
And can't wIt to get another one done 
I'm not quite sure yet 
Maybe a few in my ear 
Or my belly button 
I do feel like I am living my twenties at the moment 
When I was on my twenties 
I was otherwise engaged 
What with a raging opiate addiction
And a life threatening ED
So effectively I missed my twenties 
And am now doing all the things I never did but wanted to do
It's fun 
It's exciting 
And I'm really enjoying it 

So that it from me today 
Happy Monday everyone
And see you on the next post....

Sunday, 6 March 2016

Day 3

Today is my third day purge free
I know it doesn't sound like a lot
And millions of people around the world manage to go their whole lives without purging
But to me 
This is huge
I haven't gone a a whole day without purging in years
I shit you not
They say a million mile long journey starts with a single step
And often that first step is the most difficult
I knew that if I went ahead with this piercing 
Then purging was just out of the question
I looked after my nose ring very carefully 
And managed not to let it get infected 
I'm sure oral piercings are more likely to infect 
And I'm sure rinsing it in stomach acid and regurgitated food is not very good for it
I've had to change my eating habits 
No binge food 
Which is a shame on one hand 
But a relief on the other 
My portions are smaller 
And to begin with
I am avoiding very filling foods like pasta and rice and potatoes
Hopefully i can introduce those foods at a later stage 
Today for example 
Is Mother's Day
So we are cooking at mums request
She opted for beef stir fry
So I will have a small portion of that 
I can't lie 
Over the last few days 
There have been times when I found myself heading to the bathroom
Out of pure habit
I've had to really be aware 
And physically stop myself from purging 
I miss the relief I get from purging 
The empty feeling 
I swear I feel full all day now
But I'm sure I'll get used to it

I'm loving my new piercing 
And loving people's reactions to it
I went to mass this morning with my Mum and my neighbour 
I got more than a couple of funny looks 
But that's ok
It's funny to me

Below are some close up photos 
So you can see it better 
In the first one the bar looks crooked 
But it's actually the way I'm holding my mouth 
Not the bar
What do you think???

Saturday, 5 March 2016


It's day one with my new piercing
I am carefully
Almost obsessively looking after it
I bought alcohol free mouth wash
To rinse my mouth twice a day
And also ear buds 
To clean it with salt and water
I am terrified of it getting infected 
So am being super duper careful
I've heard a couple of horror stories
About people who continued to purge after getting an oral piercing 
And went on to develop painful and unsightly infections
I am determined not to let that happen 
And haven't purged since Thursday
It's actually a really good motivator not to purge
So I have stopped bingeing 
And stopped eating anything that I usually purge
I am being careful and considered with my portions 
And stopping eating before I get uncomfortably full
Eating little and often 
And distracting myself after eating 

I'm glad I got the piercing done 
And am going to use it as a symbol
Of my stopping purging
I don't usually count my clean and sober time 
But having seen the benefits of counting my smoke free time 
Marking the first week
First month
First year 
I have started to count my clean time
Since Valentine's Day
It's good because the longer time you get 
The more you don't want to go back
So now I'm going count my purge free time 
Starting 3rd of March
The day before yesterday
Like a lot of things in my life 
Once I wrap my head around something 
I generally can do it 
I did it with cigarettes 
So why not purging?
It's just out of the question at the moment 
And that is a minor revelation

Reactions to my piercing have been varied 
My Mum is horrified
My nephew barely acknowledged it
I've had a couple of double takes from strangers this morning
I live in a small rural area
And there are not many tattoos or piercings to be seen generally
So yes 
I have the only pierced lip in the village 

The girl who pierced me was great
When I got my nose pierced 
The girl who did was just a little bit unhinged 
She spoke at a rapid rate
And told my sister and I some pretty personal stuff 
How ever 
She did a good job 
And that's the main thing
Lorraine was very professional
Answered all my questions 
I watched her prepare her tools 
She was very careful
And it seemed like she was very used to doing this 
Well I would hope so
It is her job after all
My sister and I chatted to her for a few minutes 
She said that piercings follow trends 
Just like any other item of fashion
She told us that intimate piercings are popular at the moment 
That she had done two the previous day
I had to ask her what exactly gets pierced down there 
'The hood' she replied matter of factly
That is going just a little bit too far for me
I draw the line at a nipple 

Once you get one done though 
It kind of makes you want more 
I can see how that would be the same with tattoos too
I would love to get my tongue done 
And my belly button 
And a few in my ear
I've wanted to get some piercings done ever since I was a teenager
Life intervened 
And I never got around to it
So now 
At the grand ol' age of 34
I am reliving my lost youth
Better late than never I guess
And the pain 
I was pretty much prepared for the pain 
Having had my nose done last year 
I figured my lip would be much more painful and bloody 
I sat on my hands so I wouldn't be able to pull her hands off me
Like I did last time 
I can't lie 
It was bloody sore 
And I did bleed 
And I did swell up
It looked liked I had been punched in the face 
I was actually shaking when it was over 
She asked me if I wanted to lie down for a few minutes
But I said I was ok

All in all 
I really enjoyed getting it done 
And grateful that my sister was with me 
It's exciting and fun to play around with my appearance 
Experimenting I guess
It's doing things that most people do in their teens and early twenties  
I'm enjoying it 
So why bloody not!

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
What piercings do you have ?
How painful did you find it?
Are there any other ones you'd like to get?
Inquiring minds want to know....