Friday, 25 March 2016


As my Mum and I both have free travel
We got the bus up north to my uncle Ds 
I started packing two day ago
I love packing 
I love sorting out clothes to wear 
Mixing and matching different outfits
I always bring too many clothes
And usually I buy a couple of things 
So my case is bursting on the way home
We arrived her at about 3 30pm
Dropped our bags off at the house
And then walked in to town
I am on the look out for a nice over sized shirt 
So I had a look in a couple of shops
And tried on a few
Usually I am my usual impulsive self 
And buy something 
But today I couldn't make a decision
And so left the shops empty handed 
We retired to a coffee shop
For tea and a bun
Later on we went out for dinner 
In a local hotel 
I had a burger and chips
But didn't really enjoy it if I am honest
I did enjoy the company and the chat though
After food
We headed back to the house
To relax
And watch some TV 
A nice way to end the day 

Gym monster left an interesting comment on yesterday's post
She made the point that knowing and obsessing about my weight
Is directly linked to my mood
I had to read the post a couple of times 
And had a think about it 
I think she has a point 
Last summer 
I was doing well
I felt good 
I wasn't weighing myself 
I was going by how I felt rather than what I looked like 
I was the happiest I had been in a long time 
The logical thing to do is to stop weighing 
And focus on being healthy 
Instead of being thin 
I've done it before 
There is nothing to stop me doing it again 
Nothing except myself 
And I am notorious for getting in my own way
Trying on clothes today
Looking in mirrors 
I don't hate what I see
I don't particularly like it 
But I don't hate it 
I can live with it 
I'm just so tired of fighting with myself 
Of hating myself 
Of the cruelty and shame that is this illness
I give up 
I'm done trying to win this war
I'm walking away
I'm giving up
That is not to say I'm giving up on life
Not at all 
I'm giving up this God for saken battle 
This war of wills
The only way the ED wins 
Is if I die
I'm not willing to lay down my life in the name of this illness 
Life is too short to play this game of numerical roulette
I don't want this life of guilt and shame 
I just want to live a normal life 
My dream is to have my own place in the country 
A small field where I can keep donkeys 
A house full of dogs 
When I'm thinking about my hopes and dreams 
The size I am doesn't come in to it 
I don't think about my dream life clothes size
I think about things that feed my soul 
Not about what clothes size I fit in to
Does anyone?
I don't know....

Today we are going out to my uncles friend 
Who keep horses
And work with people including autistic kids 
I'm hoping to ride too
If they can fit me in
I spoke to my nephew yesterday 
He is coming out to the horse centre with me on Wednesday 
To help with the pony camp
And then have a lesson in the afternoon
I'm looking forward to seeing the place today 
Horse riding is opening a whole lot of new opportunities to me
And I'm loving that 
It's amazing what can happen when you get off the couch
And venture in to the big wide world 
If we just life our heads 
Stop looking at the cracks in the ground 
And start looking at the world around us 
If we look to our fellows
Instead of naval gazing 
And reach out 
Instead of closing in
I think I have now reached the point of this post where I have officially stopped caring making sense
I am now going to make like Sylvia Plath
And stick my head in the oven 
Only joking 
But only just
I'm off to see what trouble I can get up to
See you on the next post....

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