Friday, 31 July 2015

New blogs?

As you know 
I love to read
Whether it is a book
A blog
A newspaper 
I love being a part of blogger
To follow the stories of the wonderful ladies here
I don't really use any other social media
I'm not in to Facebook
I don't have Twitter or Instagram
For me
My blog is where I document my life
My thoughts 
My ups and downs
Every little thing that happens in my life is carefully recorded
My memory is not the best these days 
So when I read back in my blog
It's like it all happened to someone else

I follow quite a lot of blogs
And I'm always on the look out for new blogs 
So I'm wondering what are your top 3 blogs?
Have you found any new blogs recently that you would like to share?
Maybe you have just started writing 
And would like to put your blog out there for more people to read?
I always love to find a new and exciting blogs to read 
And I must stress 
The blogs you share don't necessarily have to be about EDs or addiction
They could be about absolutely anything 
As it is more the way it's written that concerns me 
Your blog could be about train spotting 
But if it is written well
Then I will read it 

This is an invite for you to get in touch with your blog 
Or to share someone else's 
A blog you think is funny
Or poignant
Or moving 
Or interesting 
Or so ridiculous that it makes no sense
I want to hear about them all
So do get in touch
I'll look forward to hearing from you....

Thursday, 30 July 2015

Something wicked this way comes.....

For a while there 
My ED was in the background 
It had never fully gone away
But it wasn't the main focus of my life
And it had gone somewhat underground 
I guess because now that I am a healthy weight
People who know no better presume that I am recovered
Fixed 
All better 
When the truth is that I am still struggling 
People are just relieved that I am not underweight anymore
And I am too
The thing is 
I don't want to be super skinny anymore 
I don't want to be sick
And I don't want to die anymore 
I really don't
I want to live 
For the first time in a long time 
I actually want to live 
And more than be thin
I just want to feel ok in my skin

My eating is still very disorderd 
I don't eat regular meals and snacks 
I graze through out the day
And if I do eat a meal 
It doesn't stay down
Granted 
I don't binge and purge the way I used to 
It used to be constant
From the minute I woke up 
Until I fell in to bed that night wrecked emotionally and physically
I was purging up to 20 times a day 
Every day I promised would be the last 
But then I would get up the next morning
And the whole horrid cycle would start again
It was relentless 
Unforgiving 
A living hell
But just as quickly as it started 
It stopped 
Just like that 
Not completely of course
I still purge
But no where near as much as I used to

It was around the time that my meds were tweaked 
In combination with my being utterly sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
It was also around the time I took a 'half hearted' over dose 
I just couldn't go on that way anymore
It was killing me
Killing me slowly 
It came down to a simple choice
It was either recover 
Or die 

The past couple of weeks have been tough 
And my resilience has been pushed to breaking point 
It's funny how when things go belly up
We go back to the things that comfort us
That quell the anxiety 
And ease the pain 
My mental and physical health have suffered recently
I have been to a meeting in two weeks 
My ED has been back in the driving seat
And I'm constantly looking for ways to escape
I feel hurt and used 
And I feel let down by people who should know better
But that's life I guess
There are bad people out there 
I've just had the misfortune of meeting more than my fair share of them 

I was Googling something this morning
And a weight calculator popped up
It was one where you enter your gender
Your age 
and your height 
And it tells you the healthy weight range for you
Being 5'4
It told me that my ideal weight range is 116 pounds to 145 pounds
I'm in the lower range of this range
And I was glad about that 
But I have to say 
That the number doesn't mean as much as it used to
I used to have a visceral reaction to seeing the number
But now 
I feel very little 
As long as my clothes fit me 
And I feel ok 
I am good 
But there are some behaviours that are so ingrained 
I don't know if they will ever change 

There is still the question of whether I am starting my course in September
I think I wrote about the fact that my disability benefit will most likely be cut when I start the course
But Mary found out that if I got a letter from my doctor and my consultant  stating that the course would be of therapeutic value 
Then hopefully they wouldn't cut it
So I have the letters 
And I have accepted my place on the course 
I just don't know if I'm ready
I mean 
In a lot of ways it would be good for me
Getting out 
Getting an education
Meeting new people 
But another part
The part that is afraid and full of anxiety 
Wants to stay home 
Watch tv
And drift in and out of sleep 
Because even though I am loathe to admit it
That's what I'm doing at the moment 

I don't know guys
I know I can't go on like this forever 
And it's no way to live 
But it's comfortable 
It keeps me nicely numb 
I don't have to worry about anything 
And the truth is 
That everything is easier when I am slightly out of it 
More bearable 
And there are none of the negative effects of using illegal drugs
I don't have to worry about money 
Or where I'm going to stay 
Or how I'm going to get the drug
It's all written down on a script
That is given to a pharmacist 
And then handed to me over a counter
I don't even have to pay for it

And I must stress 
That this is the case 
Even when I don't misuse my meds
When I take them as prescribed
I am still on the nod 
Still sedated 
And sleepy 
And God forgive me for enjoying that 

It's down to me how things go from here
I can either lie down and let my ED and my addiction kill me
Or I can stand up and fight
I'm just so very tired of fighting 
So tired of having to pick myself up 
Again and again 
But I will
It's not my style to give up 
So I won't 
And that's a promise 

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Sick

Apologies 
Just a quick post today
I've been up since the early hours with s funny tummy
Think I might have a bug
So back to bed for me 
And plenty of fluids
Hopefully normal service will resume tomorrow

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

The aftermath

I I'm trying to move on after the whole date debacle 
And also my 'friend'
I'm wondering what is wrong with me
Why people think it's ok to treat me this way
I can't decide what to do about my friend
She texted this morning
Asking me to call in to her 
I haven't replied yet 
It's like sometimes she the nicest person 
And then other times she is just down right rude
I know she wants to be friends with me
But as we've got closer
I see another side to her
One that I don't like

My food has suffered through all of this
I've been so anxious and on edge the last couple of weeks
That eating properly has been last on my list 
When I'm anxious
I literally can't eat
It's been noticed by family members 
My weight too
I don't know if I've lost 
As I have no battery for my scale
And keep forgetting to get one
But my clothes feel a little looser
God forgive me for enjoying that

This would be the perfect excuse to jump head first back in to my ED or addiction
To hit that big self destruct button that has been gathering dust the last few months
I'm not going to lie to you
I over used my meds today
Just to check off the planet for a while
To escape the noise in my head 
And for the sweet release of sleep 

Tomorrow I will get back on track
Tomorrow I will go to a meeting
Tomorrow I will take my meds correctly 
Tomorrow I will meet my friend from treatment
Tomorrow I will start eating properly 
Tomorrow I will start as I mean to go on
Today I just need a day off 
To escape 
To lick my wounds 
And wait for time to heal
I'm not ok
But I will be
Tomorrow...

Monday, 27 July 2015

Let down again.....

So
It's three days later after the whole date debacle
And I'm happy to report that I am well and truly on the mend 
I have built a nice big bridge
And am slowly but surely getting over it
Saturday I was quite distraught
But I can't tell you how glad I am that I stuck to my guns and didn't go along with his 'horny teenager' antics
Oh the relief is just immense 
I just have to keep telling myself 
This was only practise for the real thing
Which I'm sure will happen
All in good time

Through this whole thing
You my little blogger family have been there every step of the way
As well as my Mum and my sister
I couldn't have got through this without you all
And I am so grateful for that 
My 'best friend' has been no where to be seen
Even though she knew I was going on a date

She texted me Saturday
Wanting to know why she hadn't heard from me
I told her about the date 
She seemed more interested in her own stuff
It was then I got the call from The Plumber
So I texted my friend what he had said
I was starting to get really upset
So I decided to ring said friend
No answer
A few minutes later I got a text from her saying that she was hoovering and couldn't answer
What the......?
She texted me yesterday
Didn't mention the date 
I texted her that I wasn't feeling well
'What's that all about?' She texted back
 
I don't know guys 
Am I being overly sensitive?
I don't think so 
I spoke to my Mum about it
She said that if I want to be friends with this girl 
I have to accept that she is the way she is
I'm just not entirely sure I want a friend like this

I'm starting to think that I might be a push over
A door mat 
A people pleaser
Maybe I need to toughen up
Stand up for myself 
Because it seems to be a pattern now that people are walking all over me
And I don't like it 

To be honest
I am more hurt by my friend
The Plumber was just a random guy
Chancing his arm
My friend is a different story 
She should know better
She should know a lot better
I remember reading somewhere once 
That people treat you the way you let them
And I think I've been letting people treat me like shit
This has to stop
And I must stop it

Instead of worrying about people who are not worth worrying about 
I'm going to throw myself head first in to my recovery
I'm going to bang in the meetings
Focus on myself 
And getting stronger
Stick with the winners as they say
It's tough
But I guess we have to be picky about who we choose to have in our lives 
Who we spend time with
Who we tell our secrets to
Who we listen to
Who we confide in 
Because people are human 
They are not infallible 
We make mistakes
We hurt others 
And we get hurt
But I think there comes a point where you have to draw a line and start looking after ourselves
Protect ourselves from these kind of people
I guess it's down to me to decide who I allow in to my life
But I don't live in a big city 
Where I can avoid people if I want to
And make new friends easily
I live in a small town 
Where I am bound to run in to these people at some point
But hey 
I will cross that bridge when I come to it

I also forgot to tell you
When I was in Belfast
My friend texted me and asked me why I wasn't texting her back 
I told her why
She turned the whole thing back on me
And said I had stood her up many times
And that she was always there for me
We were texting back and forth 
I could tell she was pissed 
But I actually ended up apologising to her
How f**ked up is that?

I'm not looking for a whole lot of friends
I don't care how many Facebook friends I have
I just want a couple of people who I can trust and rely on
In actual fact 
I do have that
I have my friend from treatment who is a true friend
And my other friend Paul 
Who I've known since I moved here
Interestingly 
They are both a lot older than me
I think I tend to get on better with older people 
So at least I know that 

For now 
I will tend to my wounds 
And let myself heal
As they say
Once bitten 
Twice shy
And I've been bitten more than one person should 


Sunday, 26 July 2015

Over before it even started

So yesterday was tough
During the day 
I took some time to recover from the stress of the whole date situation 
I called over to my neighbour
I thought she would be interested to hear about the date 
Seeing as she had a hand in getting us together
Her reaction was very strange
At first when I told her 
She seemed really confused
Like she didn't know what to say
Then she asked me if I was sure he didn't have a girlfriend hidden away somewhere
And quickly changed the subject
I left
Feeling like something felt fishy about the whole situation

Then last night he rang 
I missed the call
And rang him back about 40 minutes later
Straight off he said that he'd had a nice time the night before 
But didn't want to take things further
I didn't know what to say
So I said I felt the same way too
And that it would probably be best if we stayed friends
I got off the phone
Feeling a little  shell shocked
The first thing I thought was thank God I didn't go along with him the night before
Thank God I stuck to my guns and out a stop to it
As I am now thinking that he was only after one thing
And that he possibly still has a girlfriend 

Even though I wasn't sure if I liked him or not
I still felt hurt and rejected 
I had told everyone that the date went well
And I just felt so stupid and used
Of course it's his perogative whether he likes me or not
But the reaction of my neighbour
And him pouncing on me
It just doesn't add up

I won't lie
I almost fell apart last night
I shed a few tears 
Spoke to my mother and my sister 
The general consensus was that he wasn't worth my tears
But I still felt stung
I mean
I can't stress how much of a big deal it was for me to go on this date
I was so anxious that I hadn't eaten for two and a half days
The whole thing has just left a bad taste in my mouth

I went to bed early last night
And wine in the early hours with trapped wind 
I was so uncomfortable 
I kept having to go to the bathroom
It finally disapated this morning 
Over all I feel better this morning 
Last night I felt like such a failure
Such a freak
That no one could like or love me
I went from zero to suicidal very quickly 
I also craved drugs like nobodies business 
Anything just to get away from these horrible feelings

So that's it
It's over before it even started
It's left me feeling confused and rejecrted 
And pretty sure that he still has a girlfriend 
I'm just sorry that he picked me to use 
As I really don't have the emotional strength for this kind of thing
This morning I feel a little better
Determined to pick myself up and move on
I've decided to throw myself in to my recovery 
And improving myself 
So that the next time this happens 
I will be in a better position to deal with it

My first date hasn't been a great experience
But then he didn't know that 
As ever
I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going 
It's just hard to stay positive all the time
It's hard to stay together
But I will 
What other choice do I have?

Friday, 24 July 2015

Truth is stranger than fiction

So
It's the morning after the night before 
You guys
I actually went!
I can't quite believe it!
On my gosh
Yesterday was tough
My anxiety was through the freakin' roof
I walked the dogs in the morning
Went in to town in the afternoon
Saw Mary at 2pm
Told her about my date
She was super excited for me
Which was nice
She told me it was completely natural to be nervous 
But I was anxious to the point where I was hoping he wouldn't call
I was actually praying that he didn't like me
And because I was going out 
I didn't want to take my meds
And risk being all sleepy and dopey
So I was on high alert all day

I got home from town at about 4 30pm
I was so keyed up that I couldn't eat a thing
Then I realised that I couldn't remember if we said I was going to text him
Or if he was going to text me
So I agonised over that for a couple of hours
My sister was away
So I only had my Mum here for support
But she was great 
And helped me every step of the way
I decided to wait for him to text
And he did
At about 6 30pm

Hey you want to go to cinema at 8 15pm or 11pm?

Part of me was glad he texted 
Part of me wasn't
I texted back

8 15pm I guess, if that suits you?

A few minutes later he rang 
And we arranged to meet outside the cinema 
I said I would give him a ring when I got there

All too soon it was time to get ready
To save on time and stress 
I had already picked out what I was going to wear
Blue sleeveless shirt
Blue ripped jeans 
My Roxy sneakers 
And black leather jacket
Casual
But smart
I straightened my hair
And wore minimal make up
Before I knew it
It was time to go

But I had one dilemma
I was meeting him there
And I wasn't 100% sure what he looked like
So I had to come up with a strategy
I decided to arrive early
As I was to ring him when I arrived
My plan was to wait just inside the door
And be on my phone when he came in
So he would have to come up to me and say my name 
I could imagine myself wandering up to single men saying
Are you The Plumber?
Are you The Plumber?

The hardest part was actually getting from my front door to the car
I really didn't want to go
But all I could think was that it would all be over in a few hours 
And I would kick myself if I didn't go
So I said goodbye to my Mum
My dogs were sound asleep
Completely oblivious that their Mama was going on a date 
For a moment I wished I could swap places with one of them 
But
I got my shit together
Grabbed my car keys
And headed out in to the big bad world of dating

Once I got in my car 
I was surprisingly calm
I was thinking about the most bizarre things
My head really was in a strange place
I arrived about 8 10pm
Positioned myself just inside the cinema door 
Took out my phone
And pretended that I was sending some very important texts
I rang him
Told him where I was
And waited

You know the way when you speak to someone on the phone first
You kind of build up a picture of them in your head?
Well I had an image of what he looked like
I knew he was tall
But apart from that I had no clue what he looked like
I looked up from my phone
And saw a white van with blacked out windows 
I suspected that was him
So I went back to my phone
I could sense him approaching 
I braced myself 

Hello Ruby?

Yea hey?

We headed in to the cinema
Got our tickets 
He paid which was nice
He got a drink
I just couldn't stomach anything 
We headed in
We were the only people there 
In the whole cinema
We took our seats 
And I took of my jacket as I was starting to sweat
Surprisingly 
Conversation flowed
We chatted easily
Laughed at the fact that we had the whole cinema to ourselves
And bonus
He was really cute
Talk
Broad 
Nice smile
Kind eye
Things were looking up...

The film started
As I said in previous posts
I was not thrilled about going to see Amy
But I had kind of prepared myself to be disconnected
So I wouldn't get upset
The documentary was great though
So much amazing footage
But it was so very sad
At times I had to remind myself that this was really her life
And not fiction
I just find the whole thing incredibly upsetting
I followed her career
Watched her rise to fame 
And her spectacular downfall
To be honest
I was glad when it was over

We both stretched 
And got up from our seats 
We headed outside
I was kind of afraid he would suggest going for a drink
But he didn't

Do you want to come back to mine for tea or are you heading home?

I decided what the hell?
I could go for an innocent cup of tea
So I followed him in my car back to his house
He lives on his own 
And has a really lovely house
Typical blokes house
Sparse and bare
With a huge f**k off tv
And various computer consoles 
He turned on the tv
Made tea 
And settled on the couch
Again 
Conversation came pretty easily 
I felt relaxed 
Even when he turned off the main light and switched on a low lamp
I managed to stay cool
We were watching a show about a hypnotist
Which was good as it was funny
As soon as it was over
You guys!!!
He totally jumped my bones!
I swear I didn't even see it coming!
One minute we were just sitting there
The next he had pounced on me!
I felt like I'd been hit by Mike Tyson
Holy shit I really wasn't expecting that
I went along with it
Up to a certain point
When i started to feel uncomfortable I kind off pushed him off
And put a stop to his wandering hands
I mean he was going from zero to 60 very freakin' quickly

Go easy I said
Calm down a bit

He got the message and backed off 
I was honest
I said I hadn't done this in a long time 
So he really needed to pace himself 
He got the message
And I was glad 
I just can't even go there in my mind 
And I was a bit annoyed that he had put me in that position
I mean maybe this is what happens 
Maybe I am being naive thinking that good old fashioned manners are still practised
I really don't know

I decided to head home
And said so
He leaned in again
I gave a little 
A very little
And pushed him off again
By now he had definitely got the message
I put on my jacket
And managed to nearly fall flat on my face as my foot caught in the strap of my bag
Ha!
Typical me
Graceful to the bitter end 

Needless to say
Things were a bit awkward after that 
I tyres to compose myself 
And stood up to leave
I walked over to the double doors to leave the living room
But the door wouldn't open 
I was pulling it and pushing it but it wouldn't budge

Eh it's the other door 
Don't worry I haven't locked  you in

I  thought that was funny
And laughed
Oh I almost forgot
In between everything he told me that he was single
Get this
Only the last couple of weeks!
I was really surprised to hear this
As it's been more than that since he asked my neighbour about me
Red flags flying up all over the shop 

I made my way to the front door 
He leaned in again
Said he would text tomorrow
And I left
Oh my goodness 
I was glad to get back to the safety of my little car
I started the engine and made for home
Trying to process everything that had happened
I had to smile as I though back on the night
I'm not sure if I like him or not
I mean
He's definitely good looking
But I worried that he thought of me as a one night stand
As that was really the last thing I was looking for

I arrived home
My Mum had waited up 
I told her all about it
Omitting the fact that I had been pounced on
She told me that she had been half expecting me to arrive home early
Or not go through with it at all
It would have been easy to cancel 
But I don't get dates that often
And I really wanted to get out there in the big bad world
Really live
Really push my boundaries
And I sure as hell did that

My sister texted me
And I filled her in
She thought it was hilarious
And I guess it was kind of funny
Men are strange creatures for sure
I was all wound up when I got home 
And tried to relax with a cup of tea
But my mind just kept playing the nights events over in my head again and again
I went to bed 
Read for a while
And eventually drifted off to sleep 

So now it's morning
And I find myself hoping that he will text
Just to know that someone likes me would be enough
I mean he must have been attracted to me or he wouldn't have jumped me right?
Unless he was just looking for one thing
And I truly hope he wasn't
That is just not my style
And he's going to have to suck that up
I have no idea where this will lead 
I mean I'd like to see him again
I think 
But again
I'm expecting nothing
And not getting my hopes up

Gosh this past few days have been stressful
At least now I can relax today
Take my meds 
And have a day off
During the film I did wonder what he would make of me having the same issues as Amy
He strikes me as being really good, decent and clean
But I'm also glad I didn't tell him any of my past
That would have been way too heavy
But still
It's a worry 

I am just glad that I actually went on the date 
And that I made it out alive
It will be interesting to see if he texts or rings
Iive in hope.....

Also 
Thank you do very much for your support through all of this 
You guys have been a tower of strength
And I know I couldn't have done it without you
You are all shining stars 
Love you all to bits and pieces 


Amy, Amy, Amy.....

So 
When I last left you 
I was just home from Belfast 
I took yesterday off
And only left the house to walk the dogs
And do a bit of food shopping 
I had last heard from The Plumber on Sunday
And he said he would contact me when I was home
For some reason 
I had a feeling that he wouldn't though
And I didn't get my hopes up
I live by the rule never to expect anything from anyone
Because then I am never disappointed
But lo and behold
Last night he texted

Did you get a chance to see what's on in the cinema?

Ok
Deep breathes
Try and behave like a normal human being 

Hey yea I did, is there anything you'd like to see?

Then instead of texting back
He rang!
I turned the sound off the tv
Try to stay calm
And answered the phone

Hello?

Hello Ruby?

Hey how are you?

Good, you?

Yea good 

Was wondering if there is anything you'd like to see in the cinema?

What about Jurassic World?

I was thinking of seeing Amy, would you be interested?

Oh yea I would like to see that, do you know what time it's on at?

I'll check and get back to you

Ok talk soon

Bye

Amy is the documentary about Amy Winehouse
To be honest 
I was deliberately avoiding seeing this movie
As I though it would be too upsetting
I'm a huge Amy fan
And love her music
But I found watching her demise so very hard
And the fact that she had similar problems to me just makes it all the more difficult
But I will go
I was actually surprised that he wanted to see this movie 
If he likes Amy Winehouse
Then we have something in common straight away
And the other good thing is that he rings when he says he will
I like that
He's reliable 

So the plan is to go to the cinema tonight
And people I am a bag of nerves
But it's also very exciting 
I feel like a teenager again!
How I wish you all could come to my house and help me get ready
We would have such fun
And it would definitely help my nerves

 But again
I'm going to have no expectations 
I'll just go with an open mind 
And an open heart
And see how it goes  
At least we will have something to talk about 
What with going to see Amy
But the other thing is
That I'm not 100% sure what he looks like
I mean 
I have seen him
From a distance 
But I don't know if I could pick him out in a line up
So that will be interesting

Again
I don't want to get my hopes up
But I do hope he's a nice kind guy
I hope we can talk easily
And I hope he's a good and decent person
I'm not terribly fussed about looks
Obviously I either will or won't be attracted to him
But I'm more concerned with his personality 

So now I have the whole day to wait 
I'm seeing Mary later 
And have to go in to town 
So plenty to keep me occupied in the mean time
I have my outfit picked out 
Which I will show you later 
And of course as ever
I will keep you posted....

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Belfast Part 2

 Our second day in Belfast started early
We had our breakfast in the hotel
Which was a novelty for me
As I rarely eat breakfast
Then we drove down to the Titanic Centre
It was really an amazing place
So much information
So much to do and see
I have been fascinated by the Titanic for as long as I can remember
At the start they took our photo
And said we could collect it at the end
Which we did
You can see all three photos below 
After that
We had something to eat
And I bought a t-shirt in the Titanic shop
My nephew bough a hat

After that 
We went and did a tour of the Nomadic ship
Which was right beside the Titanic Centre
That was great too
We then dragged out weary bodies back to the hotel
And had a little rest
After that
We had dinner in the hotel 
And went to see Terminator Genisys in the cinema 
My nephews choice of course
Although I slept through most it
I really struggled with sleepiness on the trip
Most days I have at least one nap
But we were so busy in Belfast
I didn't get a chance
So a lot of the time I was fighting sleep

The next morning 
I woke early 
So went down and had breakfast on my own with my book
It was lovely to have some peace and quiet for a while
And have a few minutes to myself 
I just sat and read 
Eating tea and toast
And people watching 
Bliss!

After the rest got up and had breakfast
We decided to do a black cab tour
Which is a car tour of areas of interest
We booked it through the hotel
And we were told it cost €45 for an hour and a half
The tour itself was really interesting 
As you know 
There was a lot of trouble in Northern Ireland up until a few years ago
And up until recently 
It was a no go area
And was considered a dangerous place to be
So it's really great that we can visit there now 
Without fear of any trouble
The tour lasted two hours 
And when we were finished 
He told us that it was €90
We handed over the money without thinking
But then my sister pointed out that we had been told that it was only €45
She questioned the driver
And he told us that it was €45 per hour 
It was a bit disappointing as the hotel had told us it was €45 for the whole thing 
So we just had to suck it up

After the tour
We headed in to town 
And had lunch in Pizza Express
I didn't have anything 
As pizza is a huge fear food
So I went and had a look at the shops 
I saw a nice pair of trousers in Fat Face
So I bought them
And my sister bought a pair of trainers
By then it was evening 
So we decided to hit the road 
It was a three hour drive
But well worth it
Belfast is really a vibrant city
And the people are super friendly and helpful
(Apart from the cab driver than ripped us off)
So a good time was had by all
It's hard to tell if my nephew enjoyed himself
But I think he did
I hope he did 

Here are some photos from the trip.....



Outside the Titanic Centre

Titanic Centre

The Nomadic Ship

The huge Titanic Sign

From the window


Mocktails darling!

Heading Home






Our hotel

The view from Stormant

We are family!

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Belfast Part 1

I am away with my parents, my sister and my nephew for a couple of days
We are treating my nephew
As it is his fifteenth birthday
We are in Belfast
Which is in Northern Ireland
So even though technically we are still in the same country
It feels like we are further away

Yesterday
We went and booked our tickets for the Titanic Centre
Then headed in to town for dinner
As this is a trip for my nephew
He is calling the shots on where we go
And he wanted to go to Nandos
So that's where we went
It was my first experience of Nandos
For those of you that don't know
Nandos is a chain of Portugese/African chicken shops
They serve chicken in varying degrees of spiciness and hotness
The ordering system was not good
As we had to order at the till
And there were endless amounts of option
How and ever
We managed to get it done
But the food
Oh my God the food was nothing short of gross
Never again will I enter Nandos
And yes
I did purge
We were all wrecked after eating
So headed back to the hotel
For an early night
I awoke at 6am
And had tea and white chocolate

Today
We got up early
Had breakfast
And headed over to the Titanic Centre
Where we spent a few hours
I took photos which I will post on my next post
When I have more time

Tonight we are going for dinner
Then heading to the cinema to see Terminator Genesis
My nephews choice of course

I have so much more to write about
Including an update on the whole friend situation
So I will post properly when I get home

See you on the next post.......

Sunday, 19 July 2015

Update

You guys!!!
Guess what?
He rang!!!
He actually rang!!
Hold on 
Rewind a little bit 
 I was reading all your comments
And most of them were saying how I should text him back
Be casual but confident
And be a strong independent woman
Bite the bullet
Put myself out there 
I had decided not to text him until I got back from my trip on Wednesday 
My family and I are taking my nephew away for a couple of days for his fifteenth birthday
And I was glad of the distraction
But then earlier on
I just all of a sudden found some courage and sent him the following text

Hey, just wondering if you still want to meet up, I'm away until Wednesday but can meet up after that if you're still up for it?

I sent it 
And threw the phone away
I honestly wasn't expecting an answer 
I was doing it more just so I could say that I tried 
And would then be able to let it go
I went to make a cup of tea 
And when I picked my phone up again
There was a missed call from an unknown number
I started wondering who it was
And then
A couple of minutes later
My phone rang again
And it was him!

I took a deep breath and tried to remain calm
I answered after a few rings

Hello

Hello is that Ruby

Yes this is her

Oh hey this is The Plumber
Can you talk?

Yea sure I can talk
I'm just packing here as we are heading away tomorrow

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you the other night
I wasn't too gone on the whole cafe idea
You sure you wouldn't like to go to the cinema?

Oh yea I would like to go if you'd still like to. Is there anything you'd like to see ?

Sure we'll have a look during the week

Ok well why don't you give me a ring Wednesday or Thursday and we'll go from there

Ok sound I'll speak to you then

See you later

Bye 

Thankfully it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was actually calm
And he seemed kind but confident 
Yikes I can believe it actually happened
I had seriously written this one off!
So now I have a couple of days to psych myself up
Choose an outfit
Make myself as pretty and presentable as possible
But you know what?
I'm not going to take this too seriously
I'm going to have fun
And enjoy it
And not read too much in to it what ever happens happens
And I can chalk it up to experience

Again
Thank you for all your valuable support
It was really down to you guys that I mustered the courage to text him
It never ceases to amaze me
The amazing live and support that is here in our little corner of blogger

I'm away tomorrow for a couple of days 
And probably my won't get to blog
As well be in Northern Ireland
But I promise to update as soon as I can 
Until then....

To quote Charlotte.....

It's a day a half later
And still radio silence
I'm 33 freakin' years old
I don't have time to play games!
To quote Charlotte from Sex and the city
'Where is he already?'

But seriously folks 
It doesn't look like he's going to text back
I think this ship may have sailed
I can either suck it up
And move on to the next available tradesman 
Or bite the bullet
And text him myself 
Either option is not very appealing 

I have a draft of a text written 
I've been so close to sending it
But something keeps stopping me
So I am going with my gut feeling 
And holding back 
I just can't figure out what happened 
I mean 
We were texting back and forth 
And as soon as I mentioned going for coffee
It's like he seized up and froze
Or maybe he thought
'F**ck this for a game of soldiers, I'm out!'
Maybe I was too interested
Or not interested enough
Maybe he's seeing other girls
Maybe he's afraid of enclosed spaces that serve coffee
Maybe he's allergic to coffee
Maybe there's been a plumbing emergency 
And him and all his plumber friends have been called away on an extremely important job
The possibilities are endless
I mean
I don't even care where we go now
We could go bird watching
Or train spotting 
Or hang gliding
In really not fussy anymore 

You know
It really wasn't easy for me to put myself out there 
And actually show interest in this guy
For the past decade
My addiction and ED have been holding me hostage
And boys were the very last thing on my mind
I was in a kind of anorexia enforced celibacy 
And I was fine with that 
I mean you don't miss what you don't have right?
So to actually engage with a member of the opposite sex is a monumental step for me
(I almost wrote a member of the opposite species, but last time I checked men were still the same species as us ladies right?)

I don't know girlies 
I am at a loss 
Maybe I should just cut my losses
Or just text him
I haven't decided yet 
Thank you for all your support at this difficult yet exciting time
It means the world 
You seem to be divided between texting him back it not
With just a little more suggesting that I text him back 
I guess I will see how today pans out 
And whatever happens
I will as ever keep you posted....

Saturday, 18 July 2015

The plot thickens....

So
When I last left you
The Plumber had texted me on Thursday night saying that he would contact me yesterday
And he did 
He texted last night with a simple 

How are you?

I Immediately went to consult with my sister and Mother
And after some discussion
I texted back 

Hey I'm good, how you?

Exciting stuff so far!

While we waited for his response
I chatted with my Mum and sister
They think he sounds like he is quite shy
And my sister urged me to bite the bullet and ask him out
Then my phone pinged a message

So do you want to meet up?

You can imagine the scene
Me and my Mum and sister
All on the couch 
Squealing as the texts went back and forth 
We had been watching a film
But my sister said that this drama was much better 
So I texted back

Yea sure, what do you suggest?

Then we were all thinking about what would be a good first date
I have to admit
I've never been on a date as such 
Yes, I've gone out with boys 
But this felt different
Like an actual, proper, grown up date 
Phone pings again

Maybe cinema or something, what you think?

My Mum didn't think the cinema was a good idea
She said it was too much of a 'commitment' 
My sister suggested just going for a coffee
And i liked that idea
As there was no pressure
It could be as long or as short as we wanted
So I texted back

What about going for tea or coffee? Is there anywhere you'd like to go?

I was gently trying steer him away from the whole cinema idea
He texted back
And this is where things started to head south

I can't think of anywhere but I can make you a coffee, what you think?

I laughed when I read this
As I thought he was being smart
But my Mum and sister thought it sounded like he didn't really do coffee 
I texted back

What about 'local coffee shop' for tea/coffee and see how we go from there?

I waited for a response
And waited
But nothing 
I haven't heard from him since
This is really disappointing 
I could give him the benefit of the doubt
Maybe he ran out of credit
Maybe he had to go on an emergency plumbing job
Maybe he lost the power of his hands and couldn't text
I live in hope...

 But seriously guys 
You know that I don't like head games
Why would he just not text back?
Again
My Mother and sister pointed out that he seems really shy 
And maybe couldn't cope with a face to face date 
So then I was thinking that maybe I should have just agreed to the cinema  in the first place
And have I f**ked it all up now?
I don't know 
My head hurts from thinking about it so much 
Reading over the texts again and again
Trying to figure out what I did wrong 
My sister thinks I should text him again
But all I could think was that it was his turn to text
And I didn't want to seem too keen
You know?

You my lovely little blogger family have been so spot on with advice about this whole thing 
So I am throwing the floor open to you

What am I doing wrong?
Have I done anything wrong?
What should I do now?
Should I text him again?
Or wait for him to get back to me?
I eagerly await your response.....

Friday, 17 July 2015

The plumber and other stories.....

It was yesterday evening 
I was at home
Watching tv
Minding my own business
When my phone pinged a text
I opened it think it might be my friend who I had texted shortly before
I opened my messages 
And saw a number I didn't recognise 
With three simple words

How you Ruby?

My mind went blank for a moment 
As I tried to process the number 
And the words 
I ran through the possibilities in my hand 
My first thought was that it was The Boy
It could be 
He is prone to random texts out of the blue 
I wondered then if it was someone from the meetings 
But the other possibility 
Was that it was the plumber 

After about 15 minutes
I finally worked up the courage to text back
I simply said

Hey, who is this?

I went back to watching my show 
I didn't get my hopes up
Or have any expectations
In reality it could have been anyone
But still
There was still a little piece of me that hoped it was him 

The next few minutes dragged on forever 
I kept checking my phone
Looking for a reply
A clue to who this mystery person was
Finally 
After about ten minutes
My phone pinged again
Same number 
With the words 

'His name' I got your number off your neighbour, you Ruby?

OMG it was him!
It was The Plumber!
Holy shit!
I legged it in to the kitchen 
Where my mum and sister were
They demanded that I read out all the texts so far
Which I did
My sister told me to play it cool
Which I think was good advice
So I sat down to reply
And this is what I wrote

Oh hey, yea this is Ruby, my neighbour told me that she gave you my number, how you?

I tried to be casual but interested
Not too try hard but friendly 
And waited for a reply 
It came a few minutes later 

I'm good, I'll talk to you tomorrow 

I was a bit confused at this 
But decided not to text back 
So the ball is now in his court
As my sister says 
I'll let him take the lead

But seriously people 
I have no idea what I am doing 
This is unchartered territory for me 
I haven't had a boyfriend in years
In a whole decade
I have no idea of the way it works now
And I'm not in to playing games 
I'm not into messing with people's heads
I like people to be honest
And straight forwards
And I try to be too

So what happens now?
That's what I want to know 
I'm taking it from his last text that he is going to contact me today
Probably this evening 
As he will be working during the day 
But honestly 
My self esteem and confidence is not the best at the moment 
And heck
If I don't like or love myself
How can I expect any one else to
I kept saying to my Mum and sister
That when he sees me up close 
He'll soon lose interest
And he'll see what a loser I really am

My sisters advice Is good 
And she knows because she is alwAys dating someone 
She tells me to just be myself 
Maybe go for coffee
See if we like each other 
And take it from there
So that's what I will do 
But if you have any other advice 
Or words of wisdom 
I would really appreciate it
If we were lonely hearts 
It would probably read something like this...

Him: Tall, dark, hard worker, good with pipes

Her: Blonde, shy, GSOH, seeks man that must love dogs

Help!!!

Thursday, 16 July 2015

Are we all addicts?

I've written this post maybe twice before
First back in 2012
After I watched the documentary by the same name presented by Cherry Healy
And again in 2013 when I did an updated version
Now it's July 2015 
So I think we are due an update 
To see if we are still hanging on to the same old addictions?
Have we moved on?
Have we acquired new ones?
Where are we on the spectrum that is addiction?

The reason that I am writing this post today
Is that I was listening to the radio this morning
To one of the phone on shows
And one woman had rung in with a problem she was having 
She described how she couldn't stop buying scratch cards
And was spending a huge amount of money on them every week
She felt she was spinning out of control
As she was lying to get husband and children 
And was using money from their joint savings account
So her husband was going to find out sooner or later
This lady was in a lot of distress 
And felt that she was addicted 
She described how she went from shop to shop to feed her addiction
And how it was taking over her life
And ruining her peace of mind

I could relate to this woman so much 
The only thing that was different was the substance
And that's the thing I have found over the years
The essence of addiction is the same
The lying 
The cheating 
The manipulation
The shame
The guilt 
The utter misery
But the substance can vary wildly from person to person
In my case it was alcohol and drugs to begin with
And that morphed in to other addiction over the years
As I always say
It's the same shit
Different substance

I think I was born with an addictive personality
Addiction and mental health issues are rife on my fathers side of the family
And in my own immediate family of six
Four of us have experienced addiction
Thankfully all four of us are in some form of recovery 
Which I am eternally grateful for
The first thing I became addicted to was sugar
I craved it constantly 
I think my food issues started at a very young age
I loved my food 
And I was such an active child that I burned it all off 
Had I not been so active 
I'm pretty sure that I would have had a weight problem
I ate that much

As I grew in to a young teenager 
I started shop lifting 
And that quickly became an addiction too
And has continued to be a problem up until very recently 
Stealing was par for the course when I was in active addiction 
And also featured a lot during my ED
As you know
I was caught shoplifting recently
Thankfully the shop owner decided not to call the cops 
I don't know why 
But she let me go
That whole day was a nightmare 
I kept thinking that I was in a dream
And that I was going to wake up any moment
But I didn't 
It was all very real
The guilt and shame I felt was overwhelming
I was so disappointed in myself
So annoyed that it had come to this
They only saving grace is that I have now stopped shoplifting 
I thank my lucky stars that I wasn't prosecuted
I know it could have turned out a lot different 
I was thinking of sending the shop owner an apology letter
But my gut toms me to leave well enough alone
So I did

Age fourteen
And I smoke weed for the first time
Over the next few years I dabble 
And age 18 I became addicted to heroin
As well as various other prescription meds
The next five years are a blur
Eventually I put the needle down
But I picked up alcohol and pills
As my world began to crumble around me
I knew I had to get clean and sober
I was put on methadone
And that helped me to get stable
Since then I've had many slips and relapses 
But that's part and parcel of recovery

From the age of 14 
I was a heavy smoker
And smoked 30 a day
Spending €100 a week on cigarettes 
I loved smoking 
And if I was rich 
I have no doubt that I would still be smoking 
I didn't give up for health reasons 
I wish I could say that I did
But I gave up because I couldn't afford them
It's as simple as that 
I am now almost one year smoke free

But as is the pattern with me 
When I get one addiction under control
Another one spins out of control
And at the moment 
That is internet shopping 
Over the last year 
I have bought clothes every week 
Mostly on line 
I see something I like
I think my life would be complete if I had that item of clothing 
I order it on line
And basque in the delight that there is a parcel on its way to me
And getting said parcel is such a buzz
Taking it in to the house
And testing it open is such a rush
Better than Christmas
I try the item on
And for those few minutes I am satisfied
I wear the item once 
The novelty wears off
And I am back on the hunt on the Internet for the next item
It's getting out of control though 
Seriously 
My bedroom is bursting at the Sean's with clothes
I shit you not

Other addictions I have are drinking tea
I drink 15 -20 cups of hot sweet tea a day
I am constantly boiling the kettle
And I enjoy every single one of them
I'm drinking air more since I quit smoking 
It's just really comforting to have a piping hot cup of tea
It warms my body and my soul

White chocolate
Another addiction
It has to be Millybar
No other bar will do
Millybar is soft and creamy and it melts in your mouth
I buy five family size bars a day 
And eat every single one of them
They don't always have them in my local shop
So when I see them
I tend to stock up
So today I bought ten
But that won't even last me two days
I just can't get enough of the stuff

Hunky Dorys
These are crisps 
Or chips if you are from the U.S.
It has to be this brand
And it has to be salt and vinegar flavour
I'm ashamed to admit
That I sometimes have these for my breakfast
I buy two family size bags a day
And again 
Stock up when I can 
I swear it's a wonder that I am not obese

What else?
Since I bought my first iPhone last year
I am pretty much addicted to it
It's like another limb
I'm so attached to it

Television
I am such a tv addict
I love to lose myself in a show
It takes me out of my own head
And my own thoughts
It's an escape for me
I watch everything from dramas
To trashy reality tv
I don't discriminate

Meds 
I'm on variety of meds
Including methadone 
Not one but two anti depressants
And a high dose anti anxiety meds
I mean it's a wonder I'm still standing I take so much medication
I am mentally and physically addicted 
And can't imagine life without them

Reading 
I love a good book
I guess this is a very healthy addiction to have 
I read the same books over and over again
There is something so comforting about that

Other addictions include exercise to a certain extent
Purging 
Which is the Bain of my life 
Sleep 
I love to sleep 
And love going to bed at night
I adore that time of the night 
When I get in to bed 
Those few minutes before I fall asleep 
When my body and mind are exhausted 
My head is clear 
Not a care in the works 
And then slip in to the land of nod 
I love it

With all that said
I was wondering about you
What are you addicted to?
Do you have an addictive personality?
How do you deal with your addictions?
Fo they help or hinder your life?
Answers on a postcard please....

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

The Plumber Update

Do you remember a couple of months ago
I wrote about the whole plumber situation
And how my neighbour was trying to play Cupid 
And set us up together
So she did some digging
Not because I asked her to mind
She took this on all herself
Because even though I have seen him a couple of times from a distance
I don't think I would be able to pick him out in a line up
Anyway
So she found out that he was single
And he told her that he is 'approachable'
I didn't think about it again
Until I was speaking to my neighbour yesterday
When she told me that he asked her for my number!
My neighbours memory is not the best
So she couldn't give me an accurate account of the conversation they had
But she does remember him asking for my digits
Which she promptly gave him
All I could do was laugh when she told me
But part if of me was secretly pleased 

After that
I was alert everytime my phone rang
My anxiety was on full alert
Then last night my phone rang
I checked to see who it was 
But I didn't recognise the number 
Thinking it could be him 
I couldn't bring myself to answer it
And hoped he would leave a message
When the phone stopped ringing 
It pinged that there was a voice mail
I went and got my sister 
And we settled down with cups of tea to listen to the voice mail on speaker phone
I dialled the number
And we both waited with baited breath 
The  phone went to messages
It beeped 
We angled out ears to the phone
And.....
....nothing 
It was like someone had forget to end the call 
And had just left it on
So I could hear them
But they didn't know their phone was still on
We listened for a couple of minutes before the phone went dead

I didn't know if it was him or not
My sister urged me to ring the number back
But I couldn't 
I just didn't have the courage 
So I decided I would text him
I saved his number under the name Plumber
And when I went to text the number
A conversation popped up on my phone
I could see that it was a woman from the meetings 
So I decided to ring the number
And lo and behold 
It was the woman from the meetings
Who had dialled my phone by mistake
What an anticlimax

Anyway
He now has my phone number
So the ball is in his court
I might have to question my neighbour again 
To see if I can find out some more information 
To be honest with you
The thought of a boy/man ringing me is absolutely terrifying 
I mean I am so out of practise
So so rusty 
And my confidence isn't great at the best of times
So I don't know what I am going to do if he rings 
It seems the older I get
The more difficult things like this become
I can remember being in my early twenties 
And talking to boys was not a problem
Confidence wasn't a problem
But now
Well I guess given what I have been through in the last ten years 
My confidence has been knocked out of me
Oh Well
I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come it

In the mean time
Do any of you lovely ladies have any dating advice for me?
How do you think I should play this?
All suggestions welcome
I am so damn nervous about this whole thing

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Weighing it up

Now that I am weighing again
I'm back in the vicious circle 
Of weigh 
Panic
Cry 
Restrict
Binge 
Purge
Weigh....
I'm literally going around in circles
My homework from Mary two weeks ago
Was to keep a food diary
I have not done it once
I've not even taken out the sheets
Like the veritable ostrich
I have been burying my head in the sand
And pretending that everything is ok
I really take issue with having to fill in a food diary
You see I am a seriel snacker
I don't really eat set meals
I graze the whole day long
So I would need a book to fill in a weeks worth of food
Plus I don't want to be reminded of how much white chocolate or crisps I have eaten

I actually consider myself very lucky 
Given the amount of junk food I eat
By all rights I should be obese
It's no exaggeration to say that I eat five family size bars of white chocolate every day
And 1-2 family bags of crisps
Seriously
I stick up on the stuff
Buy it in bulk
My local shops know I eat a lot of it
And always have a plentiful supply
I crave white chocolate the way I used to crave heroin
I tell no lie
I'm actually afraid to tot up the amount of calories I eat each day
But I'm willing to bet that it is was over the recommended daily allowance for an adult female
So yes 
To all intents and purposes 
I should be a lot bigger
Given all the crisp I eat 
So even though my weight is higher than is ideally like
I am grateful that it's not any higher

In other news
I haven't been to a meeting in a week
I'm struggling to go at all
All I want to do is sleep
And be on the nod
It's very hard to do anything at all when the other option is to slip in and out of consciousness 
Because we all know how I like to escape reality don't we?
I don't know
I don't know what I am doing anymore
I thought I was doing well
And I was 
I am
Kind of 
Sort of
Most of the time 
There is a saying in AA that they practise spiritual progression
Not spiritual perfection
I like that saying
It makes me feel ok about the fact that I do not doing everything by the book
Because if you are like me 
Then texovery is full of setbacks 
And hurdles
And bumps in the road 
As you all know well 
I have no problem sharing those obstacles with you all
Because I hope it will help someone out there 
To call their addiction or their ED out
To tell on them 
Because our secrets keep us sick
And I try not to have any secrets when it comes to my blog and my recovery

As you all know well
I don't hold back when it comes to writing here
I may even share too much 
But my honesty keeps me accountable
And responsible
And I know I am only as sick as my secrets 
So I try not to keep any
And I urge you to tell your secrets also 
Tell them to someone
Write them down
Confess them to a priest
Tell a friend 
Or a family member
Don't let them fester in your head
Or they will get the better of you
They will keep you sick
Today I will share a secret with you 
When I was away last weekend 
I came very close to stealing a cardigan from a shop
Only I was so afraid of being caught again
I would have done it
In a lot of ways having been caught has been the wake up call that I needed to snap out of that destructive behaviour
And it makes me think twice when I get that urge again

So today I urge you to break your silence
And tell on your secrets 
Even if you don't want to leave your name
You can leave a comment anonymously and share your secret here
I promise you to get it off your chest will be such a relief
Just to tell someone 
To share it with another person
Will stop that secret from taking your peace of mind
I've shared mine
Will you share yours?

Monday, 13 July 2015

Monday

Gosh Monday morning comes around very quickly
We watched the Wimbledon men's final yesterday 
Although I slept through most of it
As the antics of the weekend caught up on me
My Dad was minding my dogs
So we arrived home early evening
The dogs went nuts when we came in to the house 
They gave us such a warm welcome
And then conked out in their beds for the night
I had a shower
Got in to my pyjamas
And settled down for the night
It wasn't long before I was asleep again on the couch
In fact I don't even remember going to bed
All too soon it was morning 
And time to get up

I sat in the waiting room of the doctors for over half an hour before I was called in
When I was 
We talked about various things 
Including the weather
His golf game
And of course the tennis
He didn't mention my blog this week
So I am taking it that he didn't read it
Thank God
He mentioned reducing my methadone e again
I asked if we could wait another week
He agreed 
I was relieved 
He said next week for sure though
Because we have lost so much ground
But I know full well that next week I'll be asking him to wait another week
The truth is 
That I am I no hurry to come off the methadone
It really wouldn't bother me if I was on it for the rest of my life
I shit you not 
My mind and body are so used to it
Taking my methadone is the first thing I do every morning 
I can't imagine life without it
And quite frankly I don't want to
I know it's not healthy
I know I should be trying hard to come off it
But I am on it over ten years now
It's in my bones by this stage
It's an integral part of my life
Even the routine of going to the doctor every Monday morning is ingrained in me
I know I should probably be more enthusiastic about coming off it
About being truly clean and sober
But I'm not
And I don't 
And I don't know if that will ever change

The things is 
That I am on quite a lot of meds
And combining them all together 
Even just one days dose
Is enough to get me slightly out of my head 
Enough to make me sleepy and groggy
And I love that feeling 
And the other thing is
That now my high is legal
It's prescribed
I'm supposed to take it
So there is none of the scrimping and saving
And ducking and diving that goes along with heroin or any other drug
And it's free
I don't have to steal to get money for my drug
It's handed to me legally 
Over a shop counter 
So where is the onus to get clean?
Well when getting my drug is this easy
There really is none
The truth is 
That I am comfortable where I am
Comfortably numb to quote Pink Floyd
I have all the benefits of the drug
With none of the negative consequences
I have a constant and steady supply of meds
They cost me less than ten euros a month
I'm trusted to take a weeks meds at a time
And that suits me just fine

But the thing is
That although I am perfectly fine to stay where I am
My doctor is on a mission to get me off it completely 
If it was up to him
I would have been off it years ago
But like with an addiction
There have been many slips over the years 
And I've have to stall the reduction
And sometimes increase it
It's like I am digging my heels in
And refusing to go quietly 
I am probably the Bain of my doctors life
As I always put up a fight
And I know how to get around him 
I know it's not fair
I know I should co-operate more with him
But the addict in me is a powerful thing
And more often than not wins the argument

With me
It's a mental thing 
Taking my methadone is as much psychological
As it is physical 
The act of taking it
Drinking it every morning 
Is enough to ease my mind
Just knowing that it's on it's way in to my blood stream
Quells my anxiety 
If for some reason 
I have to take my methadone late 
Or I am held up in getting my meds
I feel like I immediately go in to withdrawal 
Even though realistically I probably wouldn't go in to withdrawal until 48 hours later
I still imagine that I have 
I once heard of a girl who was on two and a half mls of methadone 
Now that is most definitely a mental thing
Two and a half mls is nothing
Heck it would stick to the side of the bottle as you drank it

In other news
I haven't heard from my friend since last week
I don't quite know where to go from here
Should I cut her out of my life?
Cut my losses and move on
Or should I get over it
Have a conversation with her 
And try and stay friends? 
I'm not sure what to do really
But I feel no urge to contact her at the moment 
So I won't 

Well folks
That's all from me today 
See you on the next post.....