Tuesday, 28 July 2015

The aftermath

I I'm trying to move on after the whole date debacle 
And also my 'friend'
I'm wondering what is wrong with me
Why people think it's ok to treat me this way
I can't decide what to do about my friend
She texted this morning
Asking me to call in to her 
I haven't replied yet 
It's like sometimes she the nicest person 
And then other times she is just down right rude
I know she wants to be friends with me
But as we've got closer
I see another side to her
One that I don't like

My food has suffered through all of this
I've been so anxious and on edge the last couple of weeks
That eating properly has been last on my list 
When I'm anxious
I literally can't eat
It's been noticed by family members 
My weight too
I don't know if I've lost 
As I have no battery for my scale
And keep forgetting to get one
But my clothes feel a little looser
God forgive me for enjoying that

This would be the perfect excuse to jump head first back in to my ED or addiction
To hit that big self destruct button that has been gathering dust the last few months
I'm not going to lie to you
I over used my meds today
Just to check off the planet for a while
To escape the noise in my head 
And for the sweet release of sleep 

Tomorrow I will get back on track
Tomorrow I will go to a meeting
Tomorrow I will take my meds correctly 
Tomorrow I will meet my friend from treatment
Tomorrow I will start eating properly 
Tomorrow I will start as I mean to go on
Today I just need a day off 
To escape 
To lick my wounds 
And wait for time to heal
I'm not ok
But I will be


  1. Watch out dear Ruby
    Danger ahead
    Don't let this unravel your progress.
    Don't crash and burn after all of this exitement.
    it can and does happen.


    1. In trying Shelby
      I know it's a dangerous time
      And I must careful
      This is exactly how slips and relapses happen
      But don't worry
      I am aware of it
      So I will keep a close eye on it x

  2. I agree with Shelby, potential danger ahead. Be aware. Be insightful. Be vigilant. Please take care of yourself dear Ruby. Take today off, as long as you do get back on track tomorrow. You have moved forward far too much to slip back down that rabbit hole again. You don't deserve that again, you are far too precious and strong and determined to go through that hell again. Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start for you. Thinking of you very much xoxox

    1. I will Annie
      I will take today to get myself together
      And tomorrow I will be back in action
      Thanks for being there x

  3. Sorry to hear about your friend, I had a friend like this also, who was always nice when she wanted something, but the minute I needed her wasn't there, be careful people tend to take advantage of you when you are a good person, just make sure you have your boundaries, stay strong! xo

    1. Thanks L
      It seems everyone has a friend like this
      I'm struggling to stand up for myself
      But I know I have to
      It's not easy
      I don't do conflict well
      But I will set clear boundaries from now on x

  4. I am so sorry life's not very pleasant right now. You know what they say, however trite it is: tomorrow's another day. And it is. Hopefully you'll see things different then.

    1. I hope so too CP
      Because today majorly sucks x

  5. make sure tomorrow comes, it never does for me, i think you stronger though x

    1. I am the queen of procrastination
      But I'm hoping that one of these days
      My tomorrow will come.... X

    2. and i know that it will, i know it ,lots love xx

    3. Jo, your tomorrow will come; don't lose Hope-!!
      <3 Jils

  6. Hello my darling ^^
    I'm still here and thinking about you every day, especially when I dont have access to internet, im anxious not to miss any updates.
    I'm sorry about the plumber guy.. there are a lot of horny manboys around and you musnt let it get you down. I'm just sorry he thought it was ever an option to use you, and I'm glad he's realised you are too good for that.
    As for best friends, I'm a little touchy on that subject and I cant give much advice. My "best friend" accused me of lying to take advantage of her generosity which is so unfair and untrue ugh whatever. It's all rosy on her end but I'm finding it hard to forgive and forget xD.
    All I can say is that people don't always know us as much as we hope they do, though also often we jump to conclusions and musnt let things get to us.
    I hope you are well my dear, and staying strong.
    Take care my dear, I love you to bits
    Mandy xx

    1. Hey dear Mandy
      So good to hear from you
      I missed you
      I k ow you were having an issue with your friend too
      It's nasty business isn't it?
      I seem to rely more and more on my blogger friends than I do on my real life ones

      I hope you are doing ok hun
      I am always here for you
      And will email you this week

      Love you too x

  7. Ah, Rubs;
    Man, I'm SO SORRY that thgs are Suck right now!! : ( You surely don't deserve it. [Actually MOST ppl don't, but you REALLY don't!!!]
    Ive not been away from you; had started a comment to you yesterday, but then when I went bk to it, it had erased; my 1 from Sunday's post came in after you'd alrdy done your replies.
    But in terms of yesterday's, I was blowed to find out that what I had suddenly suspected & was gonna ask you about was true, which was if your "friend" possibly was impaired or hd a Hx of it--her on & off just didn't seem of 'Normie' behaviour. & her creative excuses for avoiding you reeked of desperation…(Hoovering--REALLY!?!) …the average person wuda just not answered the txt in the 1er place?
    But enuf on that & on to Now: Yes, by all means tk today off, not as an excuse, but you HAVE been through an enormous amount of tumult emotionally of late!! : ( (Again I'm sorry all this happened to you, Darling!) A little time to regroup might be good; I have concerns, but also feel I kno you thru the years of reading you, [& even more over these last couple months :D that we've writ each other-!] Also you seem to kno exactly what you are doing, hvg high awareness…so I trust you; [besides, you always keep US in the loop, it's not lk you're dealing underhandedly]. Just be extra mindeful, realising you are in an especially compromised position (read 'Vulnerable') just now; as AnisA says, 'Be Vigilant' !!

    In Terms Of imejit/999 care for you:
    1. Rest
    1. Meetings*
    2. Eatings [can maybe Sissy help again w/your perspective ITO amounts when it comes to meal-type foods-?? She was a great resource b4-! ; )]
    3. Weedings of what is sure to be unnecessary & unhealthy Stress
    a. DO NOT BUY A SCALES BATTERY, OhMyGOSHjustdon'tdoitnomatterwhat!!!!! D: D:
    b. Do NOT contact/answer "Miss Hoover"; it 'behooves' you to put yourself & your health 1er-!!

    (The gravitational pull of the SCALES will only draw you in again if gvn a chance--no good can come of it you've yourself said that you felt happier, [LIBERATED, even !!] NOT weighing in. Save the £ towards a smoking anniversary pressie-! ;D
    Granted " MH" has her moments, there is turmoil in the uncertainty: you can never tell ahead whether it's a true Friend or "MH" kind of day; why put yourself thru it-??! You're not a coward retreating from battle; you've just wisely chosen not to engage in this one proactively avoiding a WAR
    Following a & b affords you valuable headspace-!!)


    *OYeh, also ITO stress, its OK not to talk @ a mtg-! just say 'pass' or tell them, 'I'm listening today.' So don't let fear keep you from those rooms.

    I love you, Rubs-! PLEASE tk care of you !!! Jils

    PS You nvr did ennathg wr Hunni, ppl just SUCK is all


Thank you for leaving some love x