Weighing it up

Now that I am weighing again

I'm back in the vicious circle 

Of weigh 

Panic

Cry 

Restrict

Binge 

Purge

Weigh....

I'm literally going around in circles

My homework from Mary two weeks ago

Was to keep a food diary

I have not done it once

I've not even taken out the sheets

Like the veritable ostrich

I have been burying my head in the sand

And pretending that everything is ok

I really take issue with having to fill in a food diary

You see I am a seriel snacker

I don't really eat set meals

I graze the whole day long

So I would need a book to fill in a weeks worth of food

Plus I don't want to be reminded of how much white chocolate or crisps I have eaten

I actually consider myself very lucky 

Given the amount of junk food I eat

By all rights I should be obese

It's no exaggeration to say that I eat five family size bars of white chocolate every day

And 1-2 family bags of crisps

Seriously

I stick up on the stuff

Buy it in bulk

My local shops know I eat a lot of it

And always have a plentiful supply

I crave white chocolate the way I used to crave heroin

I tell no lie

I'm actually afraid to tot up the amount of calories I eat each day

But I'm willing to bet that it is was over the recommended daily allowance for an adult female

So yes 

To all intents and purposes 

I should be a lot bigger

Given all the crisp I eat 

So even though my weight is higher than is ideally like

I am grateful that it's not any higher

In other news

I haven't been to a meeting in a week

I'm struggling to go at all

All I want to do is sleep

And be on the nod

It's very hard to do anything at all when the other option is to slip in and out of consciousness 

Because we all know how I like to escape reality don't we?

I don't know

I don't know what I am doing anymore

I thought I was doing well

And I was 

I am

Kind of 

Sort of

Most of the time 

There is a saying in AA that they practise spiritual progression

Not spiritual perfection

I like that saying

It makes me feel ok about the fact that I do not doing everything by the book

Because if you are like me 

Then texovery is full of setbacks 

And hurdles

And bumps in the road 

As you all know well 

I have no problem sharing those obstacles with you all

Because I hope it will help someone out there 

To call their addiction or their ED out

To tell on them 

Because our secrets keep us sick

And I try not to have any secrets when it comes to my blog and my recovery

As you all know well

I don't hold back when it comes to writing here

I may even share too much 

But my honesty keeps me accountable

And responsible

And I know I am only as sick as my secrets 

So I try not to keep any

And I urge you to tell your secrets also 

Tell them to someone

Write them down

Confess them to a priest

Tell a friend 

Or a family member

Don't let them fester in your head

Or they will get the better of you

They will keep you sick

Today I will share a secret with you 

When I was away last weekend 

I came very close to stealing a cardigan from a shop

Only I was so afraid of being caught again

I would have done it

In a lot of ways having been caught has been the wake up call that I needed to snap out of that destructive behaviour

And it makes me think twice when I get that urge again

So today I urge you to break your silence

And tell on your secrets 

Even if you don't want to leave your name

You can leave a comment anonymously and share your secret here

I promise you to get it off your chest will be such a relief

Just to tell someone 

To share it with another person

Will stop that secret from taking your peace of mind

I've shared mine

Will you share yours?