Thursday, 30 July 2015

Something wicked this way comes.....

For a while there 
My ED was in the background 
It had never fully gone away
But it wasn't the main focus of my life
And it had gone somewhat underground 
I guess because now that I am a healthy weight
People who know no better presume that I am recovered
All better 
When the truth is that I am still struggling 
People are just relieved that I am not underweight anymore
And I am too
The thing is 
I don't want to be super skinny anymore 
I don't want to be sick
And I don't want to die anymore 
I really don't
I want to live 
For the first time in a long time 
I actually want to live 
And more than be thin
I just want to feel ok in my skin

My eating is still very disorderd 
I don't eat regular meals and snacks 
I graze through out the day
And if I do eat a meal 
It doesn't stay down
I don't binge and purge the way I used to 
It used to be constant
From the minute I woke up 
Until I fell in to bed that night wrecked emotionally and physically
I was purging up to 20 times a day 
Every day I promised would be the last 
But then I would get up the next morning
And the whole horrid cycle would start again
It was relentless 
A living hell
But just as quickly as it started 
It stopped 
Just like that 
Not completely of course
I still purge
But no where near as much as I used to

It was around the time that my meds were tweaked 
In combination with my being utterly sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
It was also around the time I took a 'half hearted' over dose 
I just couldn't go on that way anymore
It was killing me
Killing me slowly 
It came down to a simple choice
It was either recover 
Or die 

The past couple of weeks have been tough 
And my resilience has been pushed to breaking point 
It's funny how when things go belly up
We go back to the things that comfort us
That quell the anxiety 
And ease the pain 
My mental and physical health have suffered recently
I have been to a meeting in two weeks 
My ED has been back in the driving seat
And I'm constantly looking for ways to escape
I feel hurt and used 
And I feel let down by people who should know better
But that's life I guess
There are bad people out there 
I've just had the misfortune of meeting more than my fair share of them 

I was Googling something this morning
And a weight calculator popped up
It was one where you enter your gender
Your age 
and your height 
And it tells you the healthy weight range for you
Being 5'4
It told me that my ideal weight range is 116 pounds to 145 pounds
I'm in the lower range of this range
And I was glad about that 
But I have to say 
That the number doesn't mean as much as it used to
I used to have a visceral reaction to seeing the number
But now 
I feel very little 
As long as my clothes fit me 
And I feel ok 
I am good 
But there are some behaviours that are so ingrained 
I don't know if they will ever change 

There is still the question of whether I am starting my course in September
I think I wrote about the fact that my disability benefit will most likely be cut when I start the course
But Mary found out that if I got a letter from my doctor and my consultant  stating that the course would be of therapeutic value 
Then hopefully they wouldn't cut it
So I have the letters 
And I have accepted my place on the course 
I just don't know if I'm ready
I mean 
In a lot of ways it would be good for me
Getting out 
Getting an education
Meeting new people 
But another part
The part that is afraid and full of anxiety 
Wants to stay home 
Watch tv
And drift in and out of sleep 
Because even though I am loathe to admit it
That's what I'm doing at the moment 

I don't know guys
I know I can't go on like this forever 
And it's no way to live 
But it's comfortable 
It keeps me nicely numb 
I don't have to worry about anything 
And the truth is 
That everything is easier when I am slightly out of it 
More bearable 
And there are none of the negative effects of using illegal drugs
I don't have to worry about money 
Or where I'm going to stay 
Or how I'm going to get the drug
It's all written down on a script
That is given to a pharmacist 
And then handed to me over a counter
I don't even have to pay for it

And I must stress 
That this is the case 
Even when I don't misuse my meds
When I take them as prescribed
I am still on the nod 
Still sedated 
And sleepy 
And God forgive me for enjoying that 

It's down to me how things go from here
I can either lie down and let my ED and my addiction kill me
Or I can stand up and fight
I'm just so very tired of fighting 
So tired of having to pick myself up 
Again and again 
But I will
It's not my style to give up 
So I won't 
And that's a promise 


  1. sorry you are feeling like this right now, in a way its not surprising that you're a bit low what with everything thats happened then getting ill on top of that. please try the course, you know how was dreading starting mine and am so glad now you encouraged me to give it a go,you were the one who took an interest so thank you. as for the meds i don't know am in a similar place myself, although just lately I've been wondering about stopping altogether to remember how i used to feel before being numb, think i am ready for a change and see what happens,can always go back . keep going dear friend i hope so much you feel more on top of things soon. love jo xxx

    1. Thanks Jo for your kind words
      I guess this past week has been a bit of a roller coaster
      And was bound to catch up on me
      I really do hope to start the course
      Even if my payment is stopped
      I need a focus
      A purpose
      A reason to keep going

      You are a dear friend too Jo
      So much love for ya x

  2. That's great news about the disability! I hope it all works out.
    <3 Lee

  3. Hmm mm. You really have so much ahead of you, Ruby.
    You've got to kill this ED dead.
    It's nothing but a huge relief not to give a shit about calories,exercise, food or fatness. All those things are just code for the same thing "I'm not comfortable/I feel like crap". You won't miss it. You'll just be relieved.
    You can't worry about the methadone until then. Just one thing at a time.
    I believe the course you are doing will really help open a new window on life for you. You'll be learning skills and that's do important too.
    I feel compelled to tell you it was crucial to me to eat 3 x proper meals. I still do that. I took the time to prepare them. The meals must contain some protein. You can't think straight under eating or just eating crisps and chocolate. You have to love your body for the fact you're still on one piece. Please try it.

    X Shelby.

    1. That's just it Shelby
      I am living on a diet of crisps and chocolate
      Heck I don't know how I'm not 20 stone
      I keep saying I will start tomorrow
      And of course
      Tomorrow never comes
      I am determined though
      Not to go down the rabbit hole again
      That's not what I want
      Not at all

      Thanks Shelby
      Hope you're doing ok x

  4. I also should have said since I have very few bad habits now I have to face my anxiety and crushing low self esteem head on. Some days I'm awesome some days.. no. But I don't think I could do it at all if I still was doing all those masking behaviors. And I'm living a good independent life now. I know you can do it too.
    I just.hope I can still achieve my more lofty goals. Xoxo shelby

    1. I hope so too Shelby
      I have no doubt that you will
      You are amazing x

  5. First things first *hugs*
    I'm sorry you are feeling low my dear, but I'm so proud of your * I WILL pick myself up* attitude ^-^ fighting is hard. It gets exhausting. I know. And the comfort zone beckons but I discovered something.
    When I was struggling to recover in the beginning, I realised that, strange as it felt to think about it because in its own way my life had felt complete, I hadn't been living in the real world for years.
    My whole life was a carefully preserved bubble of interactions and safe places. It wasn't till afterwards that I realised my mind had grown stagnant due to only thinking about certain things.
    The absolute BEST thing about recovery, for me, is how alert and quick I am now. I think, I learn, I push myself and have new experiences and the feeling of things clicking and your mind expanding is the best thing ever.
    Break out of your little world my dear, it's scary here but the view is so much more beautiful. ^-^

    I love you to bits my dear. Take care and feel much better already ^^
    Mandy xx

    1. Thanks for this Mandy
      I can relate so much
      At the moment I'm totally living in my comfort zone
      And I manage my anxiety in this way too
      I stay in a safe place as much as I possibly can
      Now and then I venture outside it
      Like my date last week
      But usually I don't
      But I know if I want to really live
      I have to push the boundaries in my life
      Something to think about

      Love you hun
      Stay well x

  6. GRrr, comment erased midway & I lit have NO TIME!(my procrastination has bit me in the bum big time) >.< so this hasta be quick, will write better later--PROMISE:

    Dearest Rubly, after re reading your post last night, somethg jumped out @me & lingers this morning:

    You said even when taking meds properly you're on the nod. I don't want to be offensive to you, & you can tell me to STHU if necessary, I care enough to run the risk.
    When you are going by the Script, is this according to the NEW (extreme) amt he has increased you to (I blv 36 mls QD)-?? Remember we agreed that amt is TOO MUCH for your body now!! I TOTALLY blv in 1er thgs 1er, & OC Ed-eradication hasta tk ctr stage, but I really have concern if you start "adapting" to this higher dosage!! D: D:

    Please be OK, & sorry this is so rushed; the 0rig was much better. really gotta fly now, I'm well under it!! :(

    I DO love you so much

    1. Yes Jils
      It is a worry to be honest
      He has reduced it down to 32mls now
      But I noticed when I was away that I was super sleepy
      Even at that dose
      But may be also because I was doing a lot more than usual

      Thanks for your concern though
      It is something to be aware of
      And to keep in mind

      Sorry your comment was eaten by blogger
      Email me any time

      Stay well x

    2. hehe, still pseudo Procrastinating! 1 day I'll learn.… (ja, RIGHT!) >.>
      But yeah, Blogger isna the culprit this X, I was going too fast & inadvert hit 'home' button!! so its all dn to Me ; )

      Sent you maile few days ago (MASSIVE!!) fulla random info whilst ye were on hols to Belfast; ye may not hv got it though bc found out our dear Annie nvr got 1 I'd sent her way bk 26e June!! D: If you don't hv it, I can re send.

      Glad you took it in manner intended & wunt offended : ) I just love you so much & genuinely care about you; heck lady, you're my R♪ckstar…

      Ok, SERIOUSLY, bk to it nao!! :(
      We'll catch up soon, yeah-??

    3. D'oh!! there goes me anonymity

  7. No I didn't get your email hun
    Can you send it again?
    Thank you x

  8. That's the scary part, that even if you think you have your ED or addiction under control, it's still lurking underneath. It's so close to the surface that just something small can bring it on again. But we fight and that is all that matters. Hopefully with time we learn how to handle our demons. Right? Right :)

  9. It must be the time of year for pain about disability payments. I can't believe how quickly the course is coming up! I think it will do you wonders. The therapeutic value of simply getting out of the house with a routine, motivation and socializing cannot be argued, let alone the education aspect. I know it's scary to start dipping your toes back into the world but I have every faith in you.

    Lots of love <3


Thank you for leaving some love x