Something wicked this way comes.....

For a while there 

My ED was in the background 

It had never fully gone away

But it wasn't the main focus of my life

And it had gone somewhat underground 

I guess because now that I am a healthy weight

People who know no better presume that I am recovered

Fixed 

All better 

When the truth is that I am still struggling 

People are just relieved that I am not underweight anymore

And I am too

The thing is 

I don't want to be super skinny anymore 

I don't want to be sick

And I don't want to die anymore 

I really don't

I want to live 

For the first time in a long time 

I actually want to live 

And more than be thin

I just want to feel ok in my skin

My eating is still very disorderd 

I don't eat regular meals and snacks 

I graze through out the day

And if I do eat a meal 

It doesn't stay down

Granted 

I don't binge and purge the way I used to 

It used to be constant

From the minute I woke up 

Until I fell in to bed that night wrecked emotionally and physically

I was purging up to 20 times a day 

Every day I promised would be the last 

But then I would get up the next morning

And the whole horrid cycle would start again

It was relentless 

Unforgiving 

A living hell

But just as quickly as it started 

It stopped 

Just like that 

Not completely of course

I still purge

But no where near as much as I used to

It was around the time that my meds were tweaked 

In combination with my being utterly sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

It was also around the time I took a 'half hearted' over dose 

I just couldn't go on that way anymore

It was killing me

Killing me slowly 

It came down to a simple choice

It was either recover 

Or die 

The past couple of weeks have been tough 

And my resilience has been pushed to breaking point 

It's funny how when things go belly up

We go back to the things that comfort us

That quell the anxiety 

And ease the pain 

My mental and physical health have suffered recently

I have been to a meeting in two weeks 

My ED has been back in the driving seat

And I'm constantly looking for ways to escape

I feel hurt and used 

And I feel let down by people who should know better

But that's life I guess

There are bad people out there 

I've just had the misfortune of meeting more than my fair share of them 

I was Googling something this morning

And a weight calculator popped up

It was one where you enter your gender

Your age 

and your height 

And it tells you the healthy weight range for you

Being 5'4

It told me that my ideal weight range is 116 pounds to 145 pounds

I'm in the lower range of this range

And I was glad about that 

But I have to say 

That the number doesn't mean as much as it used to

I used to have a visceral reaction to seeing the number

But now 

I feel very little 

As long as my clothes fit me 

And I feel ok 

I am good 

But there are some behaviours that are so ingrained 

I don't know if they will ever change 

There is still the question of whether I am starting my course in September

I think I wrote about the fact that my disability benefit will most likely be cut when I start the course

But Mary found out that if I got a letter from my doctor and my consultant  stating that the course would be of therapeutic value 

Then hopefully they wouldn't cut it

So I have the letters 

And I have accepted my place on the course 

I just don't know if I'm ready

I mean 

In a lot of ways it would be good for me

Getting out 

Getting an education

Meeting new people 

But another part

The part that is afraid and full of anxiety 

Wants to stay home 

Watch tv

And drift in and out of sleep 

Because even though I am loathe to admit it

That's what I'm doing at the moment 

I don't know guys

I know I can't go on like this forever 

And it's no way to live 

But it's comfortable 

It keeps me nicely numb 

I don't have to worry about anything 

And the truth is 

That everything is easier when I am slightly out of it 

More bearable 

And there are none of the negative effects of using illegal drugs

I don't have to worry about money 

Or where I'm going to stay 

Or how I'm going to get the drug

It's all written down on a script

That is given to a pharmacist 

And then handed to me over a counter

I don't even have to pay for it

And I must stress 

That this is the case 

Even when I don't misuse my meds

When I take them as prescribed

I am still on the nod 

Still sedated 

And sleepy 

And God forgive me for enjoying that 

It's down to me how things go from here

I can either lie down and let my ED and my addiction kill me

Or I can stand up and fight

I'm just so very tired of fighting 

So tired of having to pick myself up 

Again and again 

But I will

It's not my style to give up 

So I won't 

And that's a promise