Over before it even started

So yesterday was tough

During the day 

I took some time to recover from the stress of the whole date situation 

I called over to my neighbour

I thought she would be interested to hear about the date 

Seeing as she had a hand in getting us together

Her reaction was very strange

At first when I told her 

She seemed really confused

Like she didn't know what to say

Then she asked me if I was sure he didn't have a girlfriend hidden away somewhere

And quickly changed the subject

I left

Feeling like something felt fishy about the whole situation

Then last night he rang 

I missed the call

And rang him back about 40 minutes later

Straight off he said that he'd had a nice time the night before 

But didn't want to take things further

I didn't know what to say

So I said I felt the same way too

And that it would probably be best if we stayed friends

I got off the phone

Feeling a little  shell shocked

The first thing I thought was thank God I didn't go along with him the night before

Thank God I stuck to my guns and out a stop to it

As I am now thinking that he was only after one thing

And that he possibly still has a girlfriend 

Even though I wasn't sure if I liked him or not

I still felt hurt and rejected 

I had told everyone that the date went well

And I just felt so stupid and used

Of course it's his perogative whether he likes me or not

But the reaction of my neighbour

And him pouncing on me

It just doesn't add up

I won't lie

I almost fell apart last night

I shed a few tears 

Spoke to my mother and my sister 

The general consensus was that he wasn't worth my tears

But I still felt stung

I mean

I can't stress how much of a big deal it was for me to go on this date

I was so anxious that I hadn't eaten for two and a half days

The whole thing has just left a bad taste in my mouth

I went to bed early last night

And wine in the early hours with trapped wind 

I was so uncomfortable 

I kept having to go to the bathroom

It finally disapated this morning 

Over all I feel better this morning 

Last night I felt like such a failure

Such a freak

That no one could like or love me

I went from zero to suicidal very quickly 

I also craved drugs like nobodies business 

Anything just to get away from these horrible feelings

So that's it

It's over before it even started

It's left me feeling confused and rejecrted 

And pretty sure that he still has a girlfriend 

I'm just sorry that he picked me to use 

As I really don't have the emotional strength for this kind of thing

This morning I feel a little better

Determined to pick myself up and move on

I've decided to throw myself in to my recovery 

And improving myself 

So that the next time this happens 

I will be in a better position to deal with it

My first date hasn't been a great experience

But then he didn't know that 

As ever

I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going 

It's just hard to stay positive all the time

It's hard to stay together

But I will 

What other choice do I have?